Guiding Your Strong Willed Child

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Not-A-Test

•  Krista believes that the best way to parent is described in the book: •  The Absorbent Mind by Maria Montessori

•  Parenting with Love & Logic by Foster Cline & Jim Fay

•  The Attachment Parenting Book by William & Martha Sears

•  French Kids Eat Everything by Karen LeBillion

• On Behavior by BF Skinner

• None of the above

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Not-A-Test

•  Krista believes that the best way to parent is described in the book: •  •  •  •  •  • None of the above

Parenting is personal! The plan you make at your HAT is the best way for YOU to parent. Harnessing the science of learning can make parenting easier.

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Not-A-Test

•  Circle all of the words you might find in an “operational definition” of a tantrum. Wanted toy Produces tears Shouts “no” Angry

Kicks feet Mad at brother Didn’t sleep well

Longer than a minute Happy Throws object

Review

Not-A-Test

•  Circle all of the words you might find in an “operational definition” of a tantrum. Wanted toy Produces tears Shouts “no” Angry

Kicks feet Mad at brother Didn’t sleep well

Longer than a minute Happy Throws object

•  Answer? All but those in black – those all are presumptions we make based on our observations, but are not objective descriptions of behavior

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Not-A-Test

•  An antecedent, behaviorally speaking, can best be described as: •  what happens after a behavior occurs

•  what happens before a behavior occurs

•  what causes a behavior to occur

•  how a child feels before she engages in a behavior

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Not-A-Test

•  An antecedent, behaviorally speaking, can best be described as: •  •  what happens before a behavior occurs

•  • 

Answer: An antecedent comes before a behavior but does not cause operant behavior contrary to popular opinion

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Not-A-Test

• Which of the following could be described as a consequence? Select ALL that apply. •  politely asking your child to sit on time out after she hit

her brother

•  passing your child the milk when she says, “milk please!”

•  talking with your child about how it makes you feel when she hits her brother

•  giving your child “the look” but not talking with her after she hits her brother

•  giving your child a big hug after she falls down

Review

Not-A-Test

• Which of the following could be described as a consequence? Select ALL that apply. •  politely asking your child to sit on time out after she hit her brother

•  passing your child the milk when she says, “milk please!”

•  talking with your child about how it makes you feel when she hits her brother

•  giving your child “the look” but not talking with her after she hits her brother

•  giving your child a big hug after she falls down

ALL ARE CONSEQUENCES. A consequence is simply what happens as a result of a behavior, it could be reinforcing or

punishing or have no effect.

Review

Not-A-Test

•  All behavior serves a __________________.

Please write in your single word answer. If you don’t know the real answer, creative wrong answers will earn partial credit ☺

Review

Not-A-Test

•  All behavior serves a __________________.

Please write in your single word answer. If you don’t know the real answer, creative wrong answers will earn partial credit ☺

FUNCTION!

Answer: And the key to changing a behavior is to understand its function.

Review

Not-A-Test

•  Reinforcement has occurred in which of the following examples: a)  Your child completes a chore & receives a sticker on

her daily chore chart

b)  Your child is being too loud at a restaurant so you say, “If you don’t quiet down, I will take away your ipad” and he quiets down

c)  Your child, stuck in her snowsuit, says, “Help, please” so you free her. She starts asking for help more often as a result.

Review

Not-A-Test

•  Reinforcement has occurred in which of the following examples: (c) Your child, stuck in her snowsuit, says, “Help, please”

so you free her. She starts asking for help more often as a result

This is the only example in which we know that the probability of behavior increased in the future as a

result of the consequence!

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Not-A-Test

•  Behavior of both children and adults _________ be reinforced or punished. •  probably should

•  probably should not

•  will

•  will never

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Not-A-Test

•  Behavior of both children and adults WILL be reinforced or punished.

No matter our preferences or actions, the natural world and our social communities WILL dole out consequences serve to

reinforce and punish our behavior. It serves us best to understand how they work so that they can be employed to help strengthen “good” behavior, and transparently so that

“good” is democratically defined.

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Week 5. A New Way

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Week Five

Community Micro Demands

Content A New Way

Collaboration Negotiables

Extension Super Kid Meeting

Junk Demands Summary

• Question Demands – Are you ready for bedtime?

•  Unnecessary Demands – No running (when it is actually safe)

•  Vague Demands – Be careful

•  Unenforceable Demands – Come here (from across the room)

Photos via awordywoman.com, amazon.com, mysafetysign.com, & telegraph.co.uk

Community

A Quest for Good Demands

•  Assertive – Polite but firm tone says, “This is not a question. When I make a

demand, you can trust that I will always follow through calmly.”

– Explanations belong outside the context of the demand. Either before you give it or after its been obeyed.

•  Necessary – Spend your “investment” only on important demands

•  Instructive – Tell child exactly what to do instead, not what to stop doing

•  Enforceable – Ask for something you can follow through on

Community

Desensitization: Micro Demands Game

• Old message. If I resist hard enough or ignore long enough, demands go away

•  New message. My parents only make assertive, necessary, instructive & enforceable demands

• Old message. Demands are things to be resisted or ignored

•  New message. All demands aren’t bad

Community

Making Life Easier… Eventually! Community

•  If every time you issue a demand, your child currently raises his boxing gloves to prepare for a fight… – Decrease your junk demands

– Increase fun demands & simple demands

– Make sure all demands are ASSERTIVE, NECESSARY, INSTRUCTIVE & ENFORCEABLE

– Commit & stick no matter the demand

SWC Survival Guide to Demands Community

BEFORE PROBLEM ONE SOLUTION

Go get ready for school GIANT CHAIN Micro Demand Game

Fly like a bird! (Yahoo!)… Bring me your backpack!

It ’s time to leave the park COMPLIANCE = END OF FUN

Sure Y! First X, Then Y Would you like a piggyback

ride? Sure! First bye park. Then, piggyback ride.

We need to hurry up VAGUE Micro Choices Game

Would you to put on your rain boots or jacket first?

Don’t touch anything NOT INSTRUCTIVE Hands in pockets please

Come here (from upstairs) UNENFORCEABLE Come here (from 1 ft way)

Remember to be careful UNNECESSARY If not in peril, allow natural consequences to teach

Community Group Reflection

•  Did you notice yourself issuing junk demands? – Was there a particular category of junk demands that

you noticed yourself making most often?

•  How did you experience the Micro Demand Game?

– If positively, what worked for you?

– If not, what was the most difficult part?

•  Do you feel ready to start using Good (Real) Demands in addition to Micro Demands?

Community

Week Five

Community Micro Demands

Content A New Way

Collaboration Negotiables

Extension Super Kid Meeting

Nuts & Bolts of Behavior

Operational Definitions

Antecedent

Original Behavior

Replacement Behavior

Consequence

Content

Today’s Gift from Science

Operational Definitions

Antecedent

Behavior

REPLACEMENT

Consequence

Content

A New Way

•  The Million Dollar Questions: – What is the function of the challenging behavior?

– What can he or she do instead that will work just as well or better than the old behavior?

– How can I help him or her to take the new way BEFORE they start going the old way?

– How can I increase the probability that he or she will take the new way more often in the future?

Content

Not-a-Test

•  While attempting to quickly pick up a few things for dinner with you, your child pointed to the candy aisle and said, “I need candy now!” You said, “Sorry, no candy today pal. We are having your favorite lunch though right when we get home! Macaroni & cheese!” Your child was not impressed. He threw himself to the ground and in a Broadway-style performance screamed, “You are a terrible parent! I am so hungry! CANDY!” You said, “Stop screaming. If you ask nicely, then you can have one piece of candy. Just one piece.” He stopped screaming and asked nicely. You let him pick one piece of candy. He was pleasant the whole ride home.

Content

Not-a-Test, Part One

•  You are now preparing to go grocery shopping with your child again. (You tried to trade the chore with someone else but to no avail ☺) What would you expect to happen if you do nothing differently?

Answer: (one point) Groundhog’s Day – The behavior was reinforced so science tells us that the future probability of it occurring will increase

Content

Not-a-Test, Part Two…

•  There are many ways you could probably get a better outcome. Please write ONE specific idea you have and WHY you think it would work (you may wish to consider making changes to the antecedent, behavior, or consequence).

Content

Step One: Identify Challenging Behavior

•  Pick a challenging behavior to replace – He threw himself to the ground and in a Broadway-style

performance screamed, “You are a terrible parent! I am so hungry! CANDY!

Content

Step Two: Pick Functional Replacement

•  Pick a new behavior to replace the old one that will SERVE THE SAME FUNCTION

– Function: Access to tangible (candy)

– Functional Replacement Behavior: Grocery helper finds all 5 items on list. Trades list in for a piece of candy at check-out.

Content

Step Three: Un-Set the Stage

•  Make candy less valuable by grocery shopping on a full stomach

• OLD: We are having your favorite lunch though right when we get home! Macaroni & cheese!”

•  NEW: Have lunch before grocery shopping

Content

Step Four: Re-Set the Stage

•  Choices before, consistency during, changes later

• OLD: Your child pointed to the candy aisle

•  NEW: Before entering the store, invite your child to pick how many items she wants on her list (5 or 10) & then take her to candy aisle to pick out her favorite piece when you enter the store

Content

Step Five: Stop, Celebrate & Document

• When your child finds an item on her list…

•  Stop the shopping cart – Upside Down Principal: Adults often give bad behavior

their full attention, flip this paradigm

•  Celebrate their participation – Name the Good: “You found the butter! Now we will

be able to make our pie crust.”

•  Document their success – Invite child to cross it off the list and to count how many

more items she needs to find

Content

Step Six: Super Kid Meeting Follow-Up

•  At the end of the day, rather than meet to discuss the tantrum that your child had at dinner, invite your child to join you for a Super Kid Meeting

•  Using a notebook, diagram (with or for, depending on age of child) WHAT WORKED WELL including the antecedents, behavior & consequences. I like to call it “The Road that Worked.” – You may wish to include the road that they didn’t take

(that would not have worked!) in the diagram but if so, don’t make it a big deal

Content

Week Five

Community Micro Demands

Content A New Way

Collaboration Negotiables

Extension Super Kid Meeting

Your Negotiables…

No

NEGOTIABLE

Invest with YES! (Freedom within limits)

Collaboration

That is Negotiable! Collaboration

•  CHOICES BEFORE, CONSISTENCY DURING, CHANGES LATER (key!) – If it is a choice (where shall we go to dinner?) or a

possibility (you might be allowed to have a friend over) – offer it as one proactively • Make sure child doesn’t “earn” choices through challenging

behavior

• Only choice that may be appropriate in context of challenging behavior is a “you or me” choice

Your Turn: Negotiable Collaboration

•  Make a list of what you currently negotiate with your child about.

•  Review the list by asking the following questions: – Does this belong on our Yes or No lists instead? •  If you are okay with it remaining negotiable, then ask...

– How can we begin this negotiation proactively?

– What would make it okay today but not tomorrow?

»  If it is a conditional Yes or No, is there a way to write down the conditions so that they can be communicated consistently?

For Example… Dessert Night Collaboration

•  What are you negotiating about?

–  We often end up negotiating about dessert after dinner.

•  Does this belong on our Yes or No lists instead?

–  Sometimes we have dessert & sometimes we don’t. It is negotiable!

•  What would make it okay today but not tomorrow?

–  We want to be able to have dessert a few nights a week but we don’t want our child to expect it every night.

•  If it is a conditional Yes or No, is there a way to write down the conditions so that they can be communicated consistently?

–  What if we made a calendar at the start of each week & let our child put a “Dessert Night” post-it on three nights?

•  How can we begin this negotiation proactively?

–  What if we did the scheduling every Sunday night & then checked the calendar BEFORE dinner each night?

Week Five

Community Micro Demands

Content A New Way

Collaboration Negotiables

Extension Super Kid Meeting

Super Kid Meeting Community

KEY: Turn the principal office upside down!

Attention for good, boring if bad, create a

new way

Extension

Why?

“Research has shown that the most effective way to reduce problem behavior in children is to

strengthen desirable behavior through positive reinforcement rather than trying to weaken

undesirable behavior using aversive or negative processes.”

•  Sidney W. Bijou, Ph.D.

Extension

Super Kid Meeting Notebook

•  After your child using a replacement behavior, consider drawing a road map with him or her as a celebration

•  Your child can bind many of these road maps together to make a book

•  Spend most of your time diagramming the “road that works”

•  Make the “road that doesn’t work” boring!

Extension

Road That Works

Content

Road That Works

Content

At-Home Extension: Super Kid Meeting

•  By Sunday night, please email me a 30-sec clip of you having a Super Kid Meeting with your child

– Work with your child to draw a behavior map highlighting the Road that Works!

– Send the video clip & bring your Road that Works map to the workshop next week

Extension

Questions, Comments?

•  Review the slides at biehus.wordpress.com

•  Email me at biehuschicago@gmail.com

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