how to do no contact

1 | H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t - 2n d

E d i t i o n @ C o p y r i g h t M e l a n i e T o n i a E v a n s 2 0 1 2

How to Do No Contact – 2nd Edition

by Melanie Tonia Evans

© 2012+May Copyrighted Content by Melanie Tonia Evans. All rights reserved.

Cover design and layout by Janara Jornor

Photographs by Istock Photo

No part of this ebook may be reproduced or transmitted in any form, by any means, electronic or

mechanical, including photocopying or recording or by any information storage or retrieval system,

without express permission in writing from the author, except where brief passages are quoted for

the purposes of review.

1st Edition Published 2011 by

Melanie Tonia Evans

Australia

Website: www.melanietoniaevans.com

ISBN 987-0-98070724-9-8

First edition printed June 2011

Melanie Tonia Evans and How to do No Contact are registered trademarks of Meltonia Enterprises

Pty Ltd Australia.

Melanie Tonia Evans is neither a qualified psychologist nor a qualified counsellor and offers

her insights and advice for guidance only.

http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/



Table of contents

Introduction ................................................................................................................................ 3

How the narcissist functions ....................................................................................................... 7

Conscience versus conscienceless ............................................................................................ 13

Attempting to right the wrongs ................................................................................................ 18

What are the basic requirements of a healthy relationship ..................................................... 25

Your version of thinking versus the narcissists version of thinking .......................................... 27

What you are to the narcissist and what you need to be to yourself ...................................... 34

How to do No Contact .............................................................................................................. 38

The narcissist’s reaction to No Contact .................................................................................... 41

The Recovery Process ............................................................................................................... 48



Introduction

Please note, although this publication has been written in reference to love partners, the

principles still apply for all significant narcissistic individuals in your life.

One of the most vital elements regarding recovery from narcissistic abuse is NO CONTACT,

(referred to as ‘NC’ on many abuse forums), or in the case of shared custody of children – is

called Modified Contact whereby appropriate boundaries, or the implementation of third

parties for communication are established.

Please note this eBook is not just specific information for individuals who are already out of

their narcissistic relationship, or know they need to get out and stay out. If you are still in

the relationship please know I understand your reasons for remaining there. There may be

many reasons why it’s really hard to leave – and you may still be holding hope for the

relationship.

If you are still in the relationship I know this information may be very hard hitting for you,

and may even seem incredibly distasteful, because No Contact may be the last thing that

you want to do. If, at this point, you are still in the relationship and trying to save your union

this information is still very helpful – therefore I urge you to have an open mind when

reading it.

The truth is this eBook will help you identify how bad the abuse really is (if applicable) and it

will help you clarify if there is any hope for your relationship. Throughout this eBook you will

gain greater insight into whether or not the individual you are dealing with has classic NPD

(Narcissistic Personality Disorder), or has narcissistic traits to a lesser degree – whereby

there may be a chance of empowering yourself, creating strong boundaries and gaining a

level of respect and decency from this person.

Please be very aware the dynamics that are explained in this eBook are NPD behaviours –

point blank. If you have already read my articles Narcissism Understood and Narcissistic

Personality Disorder- Common Traits and Expressions of Narcissists and subscribed to New

Life Newsletter and accessed the free eBook Narcissistic Abuse – The Truth (if you haven’t

http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/articles/narcissism-understood.htm

http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/articles/narcissist-behaviours.htm

http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/articles/narcissist-behaviours.htm



yet read this eBook you may subscribe and do so here) and if you have ticked many or most

of the boxes contained in these publications, and resonate with how you have been affected

by your narcissistic relationship, then this eBook certainly is relevant to your situation – very

much so, because the truth is: you are experiencing significant narcissistic abuse.

If you are still in a narcissistic relationship which you have not yet identified as NPD or not

yet accepted as NPD, this will assist you to understand how narcissism plays out, and it may

be a powerful reference further down the track. It will also arm you with knowledge and

tools if the time does come when you simply know you have to leave the relationship.

If your partner shows enough attributes to give you hope that he/she is not NPD that is

great – and there certainly may be hope. I have written an article that provides the tools

and strategies to applying boundaries to gauge if your partner is capable of being

accountable, stepping up and displaying the necessary levels of remorse, empathy and self

disclipine in order to change their behaviour. Is He/She Really A Narcissist – Laying

Boundaries and Accountability

If on the other hand, you really do relate to this information it’s time to be honest with

yourself and face the hard facts. In this eBook, the term narcissist used throughout, directly

describes NPD behaviour which is not rare, and is in fact incredibly common and

widespread.

From here on I am describing No Contact with an NPD individual.

I discovered within my own recovery, and in the case of the recoveries that I co-create with

other narcissistically abused victims, the BIGGEST defining ingredient in regard to being able

to heal, recover and move on is the implementation and the sticking to of No Contact.

In the hundreds of cases with individuals I have intimately viewed, from all over the world,

I’ve never seen a recovery from a NPD relationship that hasn’t operated from this model.

This is regardless of the gender, nationality, class, capabilities and intelligence of the

narcissistically abused victim. I mean it when I say – not one case.

Even in the situations of ex-partners who’ve had children with narcissists, the people that

have recovered did everything in their power to negate, reduce or eliminate direct contact.

http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/articles/narcsignup.htm

http://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/is-he-or-she-really-a-narcissist-laying-boundaries-and-accountability/

http://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/is-he-or-she-really-a-narcissist-laying-boundaries-and-accountability/



They all put up very strong boundaries, in order to keep the narcissist out of their life as

much as possible.

In the case of my own life, I did the in-and-out dance with my narcissistic ex-partner for a

total of 4 years. During this period I was battered, shattered and virtually destroyed. I lived

through times when I ‘d pull away and start getting myself and my life back on track, and

then every time I slipped and went back into the ‘ring’ (so to speak), I would very soon after,

if not immediately, plummet again. All it would take was one phone conversation or text

exchange to feel hooked again.

I’m certainly not alone. It’s well known that when dealing with a narcissist, when trying to

re-claim yourself, it’s like dealing with poison. If you touch the poison you feel poisoned

again. Chances are, if you are experiencing narcissistic abuse, you know exactly what this

feels like.

There were times when I thought I had contact with him under control, and at these times I

felt like some sort of safety or predictability had been secured. However, despite these brief

moments of imagined relief, before I knew it the goal posts were moved, the rug was pulled

out from under my feet, and again I would fall.

Each time lower and lower.

A perverse hooking aspect occurs when an individual is narcissistically traumatised, and a

powerful addiction phenomenon ensues. This means that the narcissist continually finds a

way to get under your skin, and will keep you coming back for more as a result of you trying

to receive sensibility, fair play, accountable and / or validation from the narcissist.

Many individuals who are connected to narcissists believe they can somehow gain the upper

hand, and some sort of control and safety when dealing with the narcissist, and are

therefore able to retain their boundaries and sanity, and get some sort of resolution.

Nothing could be further from the truth...



When dealing with a narcissist, you need to be honest with yourself and have a firm

understanding of the dynamics of narcissism.

By the time your relationship has become toxic, you’ve been damaged, and you’re shell-

shocked, shattered and feel like you’re losing your mind. Many aspects of your life, as well

as your emotional and mental state are suffering. You directly experience the fact that the

narcissist in your life is simply not interested in playing fair.

As a result, you’re dismayed to realise there’s little possibility of creating win / win

outcomes. When dealing with property and custody settlements (let alone emotional ones)

you need to accept the narcissist is not motivated by sensibility, reason, compassion and

conscience, and until accepting these hard facts you’ll undoubtedly feel totally anguished,

angered and frustrated beyond belief with the narcissist’s inhumane behaviour.

I know because I’ve been there, and I listen to clients and receive emails about this anguish

and disbelief every day.

Please know many people are going through, and have gone through what you are, if

you’re being narcissistically abused.

It can take a while, but finally the acceptance that you need to come to, can and will set you

free. Education is vital in order to achieve your freedom. And within this education is the

understanding of WHY a narcissist behaves the way he or she does, and WHY none of your

attempts to receive safe and decent behaviour work.

It’s my mission in this eBook to explain to you the narcissistic phenomena in a way that

makes you realise why No Contact (or Modified Contact) is the only way to have the space

to heal, regain yourself and have a happy, successful and gratifying life.

I’m not going to apologise for my frankness, and for literally saying it how it is. This eBook is

intended to smack you between the eyes about the severity of narcissistic abuse, and what

is really going on.



If you are being severely narcissistically abused, this information could save your life, or

someone’s life who you deeply care about who has experiencing this level of abuse. My

conscience, mission and experience with narcissism require me to be very real about this

information.

How the narcissist functions

The narcissist operates from two modes when he’s being unreasonable, cruel, calculating

pathological, or quite frankly like a nasty five-year old that refuses to act decently.

These modes are:

1) The narcissist’s primary driver is to receive narcissistic supply

This equates to the narcissist receiving attention. Good or bad it makes no difference.

In the early days of the relationship the narcissist received plenty of acclaim and

adoration from you. Because the honeymoon period is now over, and you have

experienced the personality cracks and insecure, nasty, demanding and abusive

behaviour, it’s unlikely that you’re still supplying the narcissist with the energy of, ‘You

are SO wonderful’ by the time you have accessed this eBook.

At this point, the wonderful partner has not been present for quite some time, or only

shows up sporadically. You’ll, more often, be confronted with the narcissistic personality

and all its fully blown extremes.

The veneers of respect, compassion, and genuine support (vital components within

healthy relationships) have worn thin, and become less and less consistent.



Now, the ‘attention’ the narcissist receives from you is him or her knowing how much he

or she can affect you adversely. This grants the narcissist a sense of importance and even

God-like omnipotence.

When a narcissist causes fear and distress, he or she feels extremely significant.

Healthy and emotionally mature individuals do not create significance at the expense of

other people. It’s very true that everyone seeks significance in their own way; however

one of the defining pathological aspects of narcissism is that the narcissist will wish to

create self-significance by reducing others.

The model is: I win and you lose.

Lack of conscience is a clear and defining factor.

Individuals with a conscience don’t cause pain in order to receive attention and

significance. Narcissists due to a lack of healthy conscience (meaning the care and

consideration for others, and being accountable) simply don’t comprehend hurting

others as wrong or unthinkable – it’s a means to an end, in order to receive narcissistic

supply.

2) The narcissist needs to offload his or her internal pain

Narcissists have limited or nonexistent resources available in order to work through

their own emotional conflicts, which are numerous. Because the narcissist struggles to

be accountable and self-reflect, he or she projects pain, rage and unworthiness onto

others (the parts of themself they cannot resolve) in order to gain relief from internal

torment.

This is why the narcissist will proclaim that it is your fault, and will continually accuse

you of everything that the he or she does that is unreasonable.



Projection is a strategy necessary for the narcissist to emotionally survive and retain his

or her false self.

Projection is an egoic created defence mechanism. By remaining in his or her ego, the

narcissist can defend his or her severely damaged inner self, by making it always

someone else’s fault.

Healthy and emotionally mature individuals have the ability to self-reflect and take

responsibility for their own emotions and actions. The narcissist doesn’t and won’t.

Hence why they don’t heal, grow or evolve to a healthier ‘self’.

The unfortunate side-effect of the narcissist’s projections is that you may be incredibly

confused, and may have been worn down into accepting that you are in fact the

problem in the relationship.

Just ask yourself - Am I a malicious person who operates without conscience? Okay, yes

you may have retaliated like a crazy person, and even been nasty and aggressive, but

who doesn’t crack when they’re being significantly and repetitively abused?

That certainly doesn’t make you, at your core, a bad person.

I can assure you – healthy people with emotional intelligence who really believed you

were untrustworthy, manipulative, controlling, competitive, adulterous, nasty and

wrong would NOT be having a relationship with you. They’d leave! Yet the narcissist

continues or continued to be with you while accusing you of these things...and more.

Why? Because he or she was maliciously maiming you and dumping his or her

tormented self on you – pure and simple.

Decent people simply don’t do that. I don’t care how deranged or crazy you feel – you

are being abused, and it’s important to get VERY clear about this.



Conscience versus conscienceless

It may shock you to realise that narcissists and co-dependents have many things in common,

such as, a feeling of inner emptiness and trying to achieve validation of ‘self’ through

outside sources, however one thing they certainly do not have in common is a lack of

conscience.

Co-dependents feel really bad about using abuse, lies and manipulation to gain attention, or

the upper hand, and would feel devastated if anyone accused them of possessing anything

less than decency and integrity.

Many of my clients have spoken to me in relation to how they could never operate like a

narcissist.

It would be true to say, even in your most dire times of pain and grief, you’d find it very

difficult to lower yourself and literally sell your soul by performing the lies, manoeuvres,

cruelty, atrocities and immoral behaviour that the narcissist is capable of.

You just simply wouldn’t do it.

And if you ever have, to try to ‘one-up’ the narcissist, you were totally distraught when you

looked in the mirror and realised who you’d become.

The narcissist knows how to hook you because you have a conscience and care about what

people think of you.

You’ve been trying to prove to the narcissist that you are trustworthy, you are decent and

you do love him or her, and you do possess integrity.

This has been an extremely fruitless task, because the narcissist is always insisting how bad

you are (the projection of his or her disowned parts on to you).



You’re mortified that the narcissist believes you’re a bad person, and you can’t fathom how

‘love’ can go like this. As a result, you are severely addicted to the goal of needing to prove

your worth and gaining the narcissist’s approval.

You may be motivated by needing to ‘be right’ and / or needing to secure the narcissist’s

love in order to reduce their damaging behaviour.

It doesn’t really matter what has hooked you into trying because it’s a soul-destroying trip.

Is it the relationship you’re fighting for? Or maybe really it’s the need to be validated,

respected, trusted and loved – unfortunately by someone that never wanted to, and never

held that as a normal human goal.

It isn’t about that or you, never actually was, and never will be.

From the narcissist’s viewpoint and model of reality, it was always about you supplying the

narcissist with narcissistic supply.

The interesting part in all of this is – you’ve been conditioned by the narcissist to accept the

assault of the narcissist’s projections.

He or she has day by day, piece by piece been turning you into another version of

themselves. By confusing and diminishing you and projecting the bad parts of themselves on

to you, the narcissist has created you as the tormented person.

By doing so he or she has been able to feel momentarily healthy, and temporarily spared

from his or her own internal torture.

The feelings that you’re feeling – the emptiness, manic depression, fear, loss of self-esteem,

helplessness and loss of faith in yourself and life, are the feelings that the narcissist feels

within their real core every minute of every day.



The difference is the narcissist, in order to function, goes after narcissistic supply (attention

which means stealing other people’s energy), in order to have any sense of ‘self’. The

narcissist requires other people reflecting energy back to him or her, because without this

the narcissist is a literal wasteland of no-self.

The reason why you appear to be an empty shell and the narcissist doesn’t, is because you

don’t sell your soul in order to go out and feed off and steal energy and resources from

people and life in order to emotionally survive.

The narcissist will hit porn sites, internet dating, admiring acquaintances, previous lovers

etc. etc., whereas you’re more likely to be in the coma position under your bedspread.

You’re not doing the tactics which gain the relief. In fact you’re much more likely to keep

losing more and more pieces of yourself, shrivel and fall deeper and deeper into the black

abyss that you’re becoming.

Narcissistically abused victims all report the feeling of having NO self left, and that their life

force has been literally sucked out of them.

The physical, emotional and mental torture of being in this state is unthinkable, and unless

you’ve experienced it personally, which I know you have if you’ve been narcissistically

abused, you know what I mean when I say – no-one could begin to fathom what this feels

like unless they’d personally experienced it.

If the narcissist was cut off from receiving narcissistic supply, this is exactly what he or she

would feel like.

He or she would experience a complete and utter breakdown.

Not being a bad person is killing you in this instance. Please know, in no way am I advocating

that you become bad in order to survive, therefore becoming a model of no empathy or

conscience.



The quick fix of gaining egoic (narcissistic) supply is not the durable answer.

Healing and evolving through the pain and creating an authentic and empowered self is the

answer, and this is something that the narcissist will never do.

The narcissist pursues narcissistic supply without conscience, and has no remorse about

who gets used or what pathological moves he or she has to make in order to secure supply.

The narcissist controls people with his or her tactics, and humans aren’t ‘humans’ to the

narcissist, they are simply objects to extract energy from.

If you try to win some power back and control the narcissist, you are punching way above

your weight. The narcissist is a seasoned professional, whereby you’re a raw novice shackled

with a conscience, and therefore the narcissist will always win.

If you try to control someone or something that is out of control, the only outcome is YOU

will be completely controlled by that person or thing.

The narcissist is a model of self-serving entitlement, and he or she believes they own the

rights to you, what you bring to the table, and anything else they feel entitled to take (which

is most things).

He or she needs to take, and the narcissist will cut you off from other sources that could

grant you energy, such as friends, family, children (yours or the narcissist’s), hobbies and

areas of your life that give you connection and pleasure.

The narcissist knows that by doing so, you will be shackled to him or her so that supply can

be ensured and extracted. There is no way he or she is going to grant you the energy you

require to feel strong, empowered and healthy.

When you can provide narcissistic supply the narcissist still wants you, and is finished with

you when there is no more to extract. When the relationship is over, the narcissist wants to

know you are destroyed, or will be available to hand over more supply in the future.



It’s an insult to the narcissist for you to have a great life with or without them.

The narcissist is pathologically envious, to the point of inner rage, that you find ways and

people to feel genuinely good. The narcissist knows this is impossible for him or herself, and

dismantles all of your sources of energy, leaving you totally at the mercy of his or her

control.

You know the disinterest; displeasure and even wrath of the narcissist when you were

upset, or in a state of needing support from him or her, or, when you got pleasure and

energy from sources other than the narcissist.

The narcissist after the process of giving to get (securing you as narcissistic supply) has no

desire, and no resources to genuinely give support, and has no desire to support and

encourage your happiness and achievements.

The narcissist may monetarily grant you positive energy, but often it’s to keep you hooked

as narcissistic supply. Often the ‘nice behaviour’ comes about as a result of you starting to

pull away, and when the wrath, manipulation, cruelty, smear campaigns and power tripping

doesn’t secure attention.

Narcissists require narcissistic supply like a drug addict requires heroin, and just like a high-

level junkie the narcissist will sell out individuals, or trample on other people’s emotions and

resources without remorse, in order to feed this all-consuming need.

No-one receives immunity in the face of this compulsion.

Close intimates are the main targets from whom the greatest amount of narcissistic supply

can be extracted long-term, simply because an intimate will hang around in the game whilst

the extraction continues to take place.

Less intimate people that haven’t been successfully hooked, when the veneer inevitably

wears thin, won’t. They will pull away from the abuse. Narcissists will tend to have a lot of



fleeting acquaintances that they extract narcissistic supply from, but very few, if any long-

term friends.

The narcissist doesn’t fear the abandonment and punishment that comes from his or her

bad behaviour. In fact the narcissist welcomes the angst and repercussions. All of this grants

the knowing he or she has the power to affect other people in extreme ways. This is A- grade

narcissistic supply at its best.

This coupled with the inability for the narcissist to think about or learn from consequences,

means the narcissist in a tirade is not concerned about the outcome. It’s a bit like playing

‘chicken’. You will be fearful of repercussions, so it is much more likely for you to try to back

down, apologise or repair matters first.

Individuals who suffer from Narcissistic Personality Disorder have inbuilt masochistic

tendencies. The narcissist knows that he or she is empty, and has no ‘self’. Self-loathing

takes the space where self-esteem, self-knowing and self-worth should reside, and there is a

perverse and twisted relief when receiving punishment and failure. Narcissists

unconsciously seek it out time and time again.

At a deep inner level they know that every significant relationship will fail, and they grind

these relationships into the ground towards this conclusion mercilessly. By purposefully

bringing about the end themselves, this grants them additional power and control.

The ending always comes through one of three means, the narcissists pushes the partner

away until there is no choice other than to leave the narcissist, the narcissist creates the

complete disintegration of the partner and then discard the corpse when there’s no

narcissistic supply left to gain, or the partner of the narcissist develops a severe illness and

dies, or chooses to suicide.

There’s no beating this system – it just is what it is, and narcissistically abused victims who

have tried to change this reality, and don’t want to accept the relationship is doomed, all

become discarded shells or die - literally. I was a hair’s breadth from becoming a fatality

myself.



It must be remembered, in amongst all of these startling and chilling facts, victims of

narcissistic abuse do have the inner ability to have a self. Therefore for you, there is the

hope and the opportunity to break away from this manic and soul-destroying dynamic in

order to heal, empower yourself and recover.

I and many other people have done so.

The narcissist, however, can’t create an authentic self, and won’t, and will meet the same

inevitable conclusion that all narcissists meet – a place which he or she has been trying to

avoid. Having no energy left to procure narcissistic supply, and being left alone with a

horrifying tortured self with no way to gain relief.

It is then that the narcissist meets his or her maker – and knows firsthand that the charade

or his or her life, and the carefully scripted and constructed false self has all amounted to

absolutely nothing other than the wasteland of having no authentic self .

It’s here that the narcissist is demised, because he wasn’t able to beat the system that we all

face:

Without an authentic self, nothing is real, and there is no genuine love, happiness or

pleasure in life.

Generally this happens to the narcissist later in life, rather than earlier, but it does happen.

Therefore, don’t envy narcissists and think they have it all. None of what they have is real,

or brings real feelings of fulfilment.

The truth is: it is impossible for them to be genuinely fulfilled and at peace; they simply

aren’t wired that way, and that doesn’t change regardless of how much material stuff,

notoriety, acclaim or even fame and fortune they manage to get.



Don’t be tempted to try to save the narcissist from him or herself and this inevitable fate

with the belief Love will conquer and fix all, because another truth is: the narcissist will resist

all of these attempts, and in fact punish you for trying.

He or she is disgusted by individuals that try to love him or her, and will detest you for it.

The unconscious reason playing out within the narcissist is: How repulsive and wrong it is to

try and love a ‘nothing’, an entity that doesn’t exist. This makes me despise you even more.

If you have been narcissistically abused, you’ll recall the times when the narcissist looked at

you and acted as if he or she hates you. You were shocked to see the narcissist’s eyes

become empty and lifeless, yet full of pure contempt and rage. You have seen the total lack

of compassion that is akin to being confronted with a reptile, devoid of any warmth.

The narcissist is merciless at these times, and is a cruel, heartless machine.

The narcissist despises humanity, yet knows he or she needs to feed on humans for energy.

This reliance on the very thing he or she detests (the human emotions of compassion, love

and conscience) makes the narcissist feel vulnerable, and further fuels his disgust with life,

people and him or herself.

Vampires similarly were depicted as hating humans intensely because of their reliance on

them. It’s no coincidence that the Vampire myth was inspired by the model of narcissism.

Do some research on this fact and it will astound you.

When realising the truth of what a narcissist is, as hard as it is to accept, and as much as

your sense of humanity, normality and life as you understand it struggles to comprehend the

facts – you CAN start to accept there’s no hope for the narcissist when they are displaying

classic traits of NPD, and no hope that you can have any real relationship with them.

If you can’t accept this as truth – ask yourself: Haven’t I experienced behaviour, twists,

turns, pathologies and actions that totally defy anything I ever believed to be human?

If so, admit this to be true.



Now, are you ready to accept that the lack of conscience and humanity that you’ve seen

firsthand is because you aren’t dealing with what you know as human? The ultimate truth is

narcissists aren’t human – not as we know human to be – because they do not have the

capacity, neuron brain pathways or desire (they despised normal human functions, believing

they’re pathetic) to operate with compassion, empathy, love and conscience .

Without these components humanity isn’t present.

Please understand the emotions ‘compassion’, ‘empathy’, ‘love’ and ‘conscience’ define

humanity, and everything that is healthy, loving and connected about the human race. The

absence of these emotions is the ultimate disconnection from humanity.

It is medical knowledge that the brain neuron pathways of ‘compassion’, ‘empathy’, ‘love’

and ‘conscience’ are numbed out, shrivelled up, or severely arrested within a narcissistic

individual’s brain. These emotions simply don’t operate.

I certain agree with this theory – that the only way an NPD could connect to these emotions

is to be confined for an extended amount of time without narcissistic supply, and be

saturated with the stimulus of compassion, empathy, love and conscience repeatedly until

these pathways re-activate, develop and catch up to the necessary level of development

required for them to function healthily.

For obvious reasons this is not going to happen...and if it could, how long would it take?

Attempting to right the wrongs

When we’re viewing life through the model of humanity, we can’t comprehend narcissistic

operation.



We may scream out to ourselves and anyone who’ll listen. “How can she / he do that?!” “I

don’t understand!” “That’s terrible!” as well as many other emotionally charged statements,

and feelings of gut-wrenching disbelief.

The narcissist’s behaviour does not make sense to our humanity model, and we feel

threatened, chaotic and extremely vulnerable regarding behaviour that just doesn’t add up.

This creates incredible hooks whereby we try to right the wrongs. We fight fruitlessly to

make the narcissist get it and stop the behaviour that we are accepting by staying or trying

to hang on.

We allow the narcissist to destroy us on so many levels, especially emotionally.

Everything we believed to be true about people, ourselves and life is under siege.

This suits the narcissist perfectly, because he or she knows that this will keep attracting you

into the battle, and by trying to fix and change the behaviour, the narcissist can line you up

in order to receive more narcissistic supply.

The more aggrieved and incensed you become and the more you try to fight for justice,

accountability and decency, the more narcissistic supply you hand over.

How do you know when you’re being targeted and used for narcissistic supply?

You receive untruths that torment you.

You have discussions that are so twisted it feels like you’re losing your mind.

You continually feel like you are justifying yourself and explaining facts, values

and standards of human behaviour that the narcissist simply does not

acknowledge or apply.



You experience cruel, uncaring and dismissive treatment that has no

consideration for your emotional state.

You’re given false promises that set you up for hope, yet lead to profound

disappointment which tears you down into further feelings of abandonment,

rejection and despair.

You realise that the narcissist wants it all his or her way, rather than trying to

achieve win / win outcomes.

You feel like you in a competitive ‘me versus you’ relationship whereby you are

made out to be the enemy.

None of your needs are taken into account, or are simply played upon in order to

deceive you into handing over self and resources.

You’re blamed for the problems.

Even if there is an apology or a show of accountability you feel it’s hollow, and if

you try to gain some sense of stability around it, you’re met with major

resistance, diversion or rage.

You receive insane Jekyll / Hyde behaviour which can switch from loving to

condemning and from dismissive to needy in a heartbeat.

The narcissist will regularly accuse you of caring more, and giving more attention

to other people and interests than him.

The narcissist will denounce you to other people and even tear down your

credibility with other people in your presence.

The narcissist will regularly bring up allies to back his or her story, (real or

imagined) in order to gas-light you and diminish your faith in yourself and life.

Information that you have disclosed to the narcissist, or was discovered by him

or her about you, will be used as a weapon against you.

The soul-destroying list goes on and on. All of these behaviours, as well as the many others

in the narcissist’s arsenal, all lead to MAJOR losses to your self-esteem.



Staying attached and receiving and allowing the punishment and mining of energy, can only

create, and does create, a total disintegration of self.

You’ve been conditioned and programmed by the narcissist to try harder and harder to

receive understanding, safety and decency, and the more hoops you try to jump through,

the higher they get and the harder you crash.

Whilst doing so, you provide the narcissist with malicious inner delight, as he or she watches

you try to perform this impossible feat.

It allows the narcissist to feel oh so important.

Evil is absolutely at play here. If you don’t believe evil exists, it’s time to get real, open your

eyes and accept that it does.

Just as there is hot and cold, up and down, night and day and all polar opposites that exist in

physics in order to hold the balance of life together, evil is in opposition to Love, and it does

exist.

Evil quite simply is a dark place that is the absence of Love.

Just as we could never know hot if we didn’t know cold, or up if we didn’t know down, we

could never know what Love is if we did not know what the absence of Love is.

The narcissistic model is exactly that – the absence of Love.

Just as we have no need to fix, change or eliminate down or cold in order to be up and

warm, there’s is no need to fix, change or eliminate evil.

In fact it’s impossible to do so.



Whenever we struggle with and place our focus on anything in our life (good or bad) we

become it. We take on its energy and make it all about us. Whenever we ignore energy

that’s not good for us, and place our energy on what does serve us instead, we no longer

have unwanted and painful energy in our life.

If you were to choose a holiday destination, you would be much more likely to choose

Vanuatu rather than war-torn Beirut. You know the difference, but you have no need to go

to Beirut and try to make it Vanuatu, when Vanuatu is a choice you could make for yourself.

Accept this - love, safety, and healthy is NOT narcissism. You are looking for these things

where they don’t exist. You can’t force someone to be what they simply do not have the

resources to be.

Do you believe that you can make a crocodile play fetch, roll over and lick you while you

scratch its belly?

Have you heard the tale regarding a crocodile who convinced a forest animal he would carry

him over the river and deliver him safely to the other side? Half way across the crocodile

threw the forest animal up into his mouth and prepared to eat him.

The forest animal squealed “You promised!”

The crocodile said matter-of-factly just before his first bite, “Yes, but I AM a crocodile”.

You’re only option to get what you want is to let go and start making choices and decisions

that align you with flying to the peace, warmth and pina colodas of Vanuatu, rather than

trying to survive and dodge bullets in Beirut.

If you’re dealing with an individual who refuses to play fair, then there’s no chance you’re

going to be able to fix them, force them or change them into being a decent person. You

may feel that the success of your whole life hangs on this outcome.



Rest assured it certainly doesn’t.

Shamelessly the narcissist is totally disinterested in coming into accountability, taking your

needs into consideration and playing by the rules in order to reach a healthy conclusion. It

isn’t the healthy conclusion that he or she wishes for, it’s the narcissistic supply.

Get very clear on this: The narcissist is not interested in what you want in life. The narcissist

does not want to give and receive love, and create a life of togetherness, safety and

happiness. The narcissist wants to steal your energy and diminish you in order to feel better

about him or her self – and knows no other way to operate.

The narcissist can’t comprehend winning without someone else losing. Win / win to them is

unthinkable and does not compute.

It’s not a great way for you to live. In fact it’s a devastating, and it truly is a life threatening

deal for you – with no ‘happily ever after’.

The narcissist needs your anguish and pain, just as you are addicted to needing him or her to

supply you with safety and decency, regardless of the fact that it’s not happening.

You and the narcissist are now the supplier and the users for each other in this toxic,

destructive cycle of dependency. The drug is neediness.

A relationship of two co-dependents, although disadvantageous, is better than this. At least

there are two needy people receiving energy. The narcissist’s bottomless pit of needing your

energy, because he or she can’t manufacture his or her own, is getting fed constantly by

you, and you are getting nothing except the constant battering that ensures that you will

hand over more and more supply.

That’s right. This means you will be emptied out all the way to your demise.



The addiction to the narcissist is a horrific part of the abuse (because we continue to allow

ourselves to be abused), and the addiction – like all serious addictions is life threatening.

Severe co-dependency and relationship addiction to a narcissist is incredibly serious. The

results, until the addiction is overcome, are dire and can be fatal.

Just like any severe addiction, we have many excuses as to why we don’t want to let go,

regardless of how much damage we’re sustaining.

Don’t be fooled by thinking I have seen him / her be loving, and I know he / she is capable of

being the person I want to be in love with. Or I know that this person WAS loving and kind,

and therefore I know they DO have the resources.

Narcissists know the actions that will attract you and make you fall in love with them, but

they are feigned, they aren’t real and they’re not genuinely felt by him or her. They all have

the agenda of securing narcissistic supply behind them. The narcissistic was pretending to

genuinely give, simply in order to get.

Real substance requires aligned actions and consistency. The words ‘I love and adore you’,

and ‘You are the only person I’ve ever truly love’, and ‘I’ll do anything to make this work’ (or

any other version of undying love or commitment) carry very little weight when actions

repeatedly surface that express the exact opposite.

Real people follow through and demonstrate what they say.

Real actions are a far cry from the declarations of false love that is delivered by a narcissist,

followed by destructive words and actions, broken promises, and twists and turns that

completely obliterate the previously feigned consideration.

Be brutally honest with yourself, because the truth will always set you free. Regardless of

the little bits of hope that you receive intermittently, the rest of what‘s going in is

destroying you piece by piece.



How on earth can that be real love?

The truth is it isn’t.

Can you understand how futile it is to try to make an unmakeable deal work?

Being in narcissistic relationships feels like being a greyhound chasing a rabbit that we never

catch, and we get more and more exhausted trying to catch it.

Just like the greyhound, we’re running after something that doesn’t exist. That’s no real

rabbit! The relationship we wanted with the narcissist never was what we thought it was,

and we have no ability, and quite frankly no right to try to force it into becoming real.

What we are here to learn in this instance is to become real and embrace: The reality of our

life can never be gained from another person, because it’s our responsibility.

That is the liberation.

What are the basic requirements of a healthy relationship?

I have included the following points in this eBook for a very good reason, to awaken the

knowing within you, as a human being, that you DO deserve decent behaviour, and decency

is a basic requirement which many people on the planet ARE capable of providing.

Clearly narcissists aren’t.

Luckily the odds are great for you in creating a life-partner who is emotionally mature and

responsible, because out of all of the decent people on this planet, you only want one

person as a love partner.



So stop trying to change what isn’t into what is, and start creating ‘what is’ within yourself,

so you can attract, allow and maintain healthy people in your space.

If you find out that people are not a match for love, safety, support and integrity, you then

will be able to let go, and move on.

This is exactly the process I put myself and others through, and the results speak for

themselves.

They do deliver a fulfilling and joyous life.

Easier said than done, you say – but I can assure you that when you get clear and know

‘how’ and ‘why’ you need to live by this simplistic model, its gets easier to do – and THEN

your life starts going right.

When assessing how emotionally mature individuals operate, we can accept that anyone

when hurt in the midst of relationship breakups and problems can act in non-appropriate

ways – yet certain underlying principles are foundational within an emotionally healthy

individual’s integrity.

People who are healthy and do have Emotional Intelligence:

Tell the truth.

Will attempt to discuss matters in rational terms, and will seek to return to mature

discussions even after problems.

Have enough respect and care about the other person to not purposefully maim

them.

Try to achieve fair and equitable outcomes.

Have consideration for the other person’s emotional and practical needs and will

attempt to support these needs.



Take responsibility for their actions and behaviour.

Will apologise full-heartedly when they overstep the mark.

Have the capacity to be genuinely accountable.

Have no requirement to seek and carry out revenge in order to feel better.

Realise that there is no upside in the goal of creating and experiencing a satisfying

relationship by purposefully destroying their partner.

WANT a satisfying, loving, safe and healthy relationship.

Have the ability to ask for what they need honestly, healthily and directly.

If you have any doubt about whether or not you’re dealing with a narcissist look at these

two last bulleted lists carefully and honestly. They really are like chalk and cheese. An

individual either operates from a model of decency or they don’t, and if they don’t

narcissism is at play.

Your version of thinking versus the narcissistic version of thinking

Note: If the narcissist is a female please substitute ‘him’ for ‘her’.

The narcissist says you’re unsupportive, don’t love him and you don’t care about him.

YOUR THINKING: I do and I will try anything to get him to realise this. Why can’t he get it?!

NARC THINKING: I know you’re going to try harder and harder for me to get it. Now I can

continue treating you badly and you’re going to hang around. It’s me who doesn’t have the

ability to love, and by blaming you I can keep doing what I do.



The narcissist telling you that you’re unfaithful and can’t be trusted.

YOUR RESPONSE: I have no intention of playing up; you are the only person I want to be

with. I have too much integrity to play up. I’m so upset you think otherwise.

NARC THINKING: This one really gets you going. I love seeing how upset you are about this.

It also gives me an opportunity to do what I want, because you’re going to push the point

about how much you trust me and why can’t I trust you. And even if you don’t trust me

you’re going to be too busy worrying about what I think about you to question me.

The narcissist telling you that you’re ripping him off and taking his money.

YOUR RESPONSE: I am totally shattered by this accusation. It’s you that have taken my

resources and my life. How on earth can you twist this around about and accuse ME?!

NARC THINKING: I love it when I make it all your fault and accuse you and you get hurt. You

deserve it and I’m going to get as much out of this as possible, it’s my right to do so. I don’t

care what happens to you, I just want what I can get.

Any argument with the narcissist over details that don’t make sense and he brings up and

argues points which are ridiculous and painful to hear.

YOUR THINKING: I know this particular point to be wrong, and the evidence is so logical that

it isn’t right. I’m going to keep arguing this until he gets it and admits he’s wrong. This is

sending me crazy that he can argue about something so ridiculous and turn it into an issue

that feels like I’m arguing with a five year old.

NARC THINKING: I couldn’t care less about the specifics, the details or whether or not it’s

right or wrong. In fact I’d argue about a fly going up the wall if I knew it pushed your buttons

and got a reaction. The more hurt, frustrated and distraught you get the more it makes me

feel powerful and important. In fact I get malicious delight watching you turn yourself inside

out every time I move the goal posts and confuse you.



The false promises and the feigning of how the narcissist was just about to do the very thing

that you wanted from him, but now because of something you’ve done you’ve ruined that

chance.

YOUR THINKING: This crushes me. I was so close and now he’s taken it away again. This

hurts so much and I am so devastated that he’s making it my fault. It’s so cruel and unfair.

He’s punishing me again. I feel suicidal.

NARC THINKING: This one really is so much fun. I never had any intention of granting you

what you want. In fact I hate seeing you happy because it reminds me of how I can’t be. I

don’t want to give; I’m only here to take. I only told you I would give you that to hook you

back in. I want you to think it’s your fault, and I know that you’re going to hang around now

and I can keep tormenting you with the promise of what I’m never going to give you.

The narcissist hurting you with information, which you retaliate by saying ‘I did that too’,

and then the narcissist saying he never did, he lied, and now it’s YOU that does those things

all along.

YOUR RESPONSE: I was hurt that’s why I lashed out at you. I didn’t do that; I was simply

retaliating because you told me you did!

NARC THINKING: I love it when I can project and blame you. Of course I was doing all those

things – and I knew you’d hang around and put up with it no matter how much it hurt. I’ve

tricked you perfectly. Now you’re the one who’s suspect and to blame! You’re going to

chase me, ring me constantly, apologise, plead and beg and try to stop me discarding you –

delicious attention at its best! What’s more I can continue doing what I’m doing and you

won’t even dare try to question it or leave me because of it.

I know you may think this information is outrageous and how could anyone really think and

operate like that. I occasionally have narcissistic individuals come forward for help when

they are at rock bottom as a result of severe narcissistic injury. Something in their life has

been so devastating, their false self temporarily crumbles and there is a tiny window of

opportunity of honesty and openness without defences because their True Self has

emerged.

Unfortunately the NPD’s (unlike people who do have inner resources) as soon as they

recover some energy, go straight for narcissistic supply again and the window closes over.

This may take hours or days but rarely any longer.



Narcissists do not remain in a genuine or humble space where any self-healing and growth

can take place. Being authentic and real, and working on self-recovery is discarded

accordingly – hence why therapists are discredited and left.

The point to this is: when narcissists come forward in narcissistic injury there is the ability to

gain incredible knowledge about how the narcissist views the world, how they think and the

way they operate.

I’ve had discussions with narcissists about their operations, what they perceive as normal

and acceptable (their lens of life), and I have wanted to vomit and have felt totally poisoned

for hours afterwards.

The details were so vile that I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, or how anyone could

have such a twisted perception on life.

Until I again accepted: Of course they think and operate like that! They’re narcissists!

Unfortunately very little is really understood (and needs to be) in relation to how the

narcissist thinks when extracting narcissistic supply via other people’s pain

Some of the narcissists admitted that it was an enormous compliment when ex-partners

were broken, institutionalised or contemplated committing suicide. A male narcissist whose

ex-partner had committed suicide felt incredibly special whenever he thought about her

demise.

Many other facts, which are too numerous to mention, were disclosed that completely

confirmed the narcissistic model and operations.

The consistent theme is the lack of conscience, belief in entitlement with no consideration

and concept of compassion, and the twisted view on life that is like a selfish, spoilt five-year

old in a vindictive adult body.



These people view everyone else as objects from which to extract narcissistic supply, and are

dangerous chameleons charming and lying their way through life, and sucking resources and

people dry in order to achieve their drug of omnipotence.

Scarily, they believe they are entitled to behave that way, and that there’s nothing wrong

with that.

In THEIR model of the world – the insatiable need for narcissistic supply in order to avoid

complete emotional self-implosion and annihilation – the behaviour is essential.

Therefore the truth is, no matter how much you don’t like it, if you’re continuing to contact

and hook up with a narcissist, and are suffering greatly as a result, you’re providing a

wonderful source of narcissistic supply.

You are prey to him or her.

Regardless of whether the narcissist is your mother, father, brother, sister, friend, boss,

lover, husband, wife or partner, it makes not one scrap of difference.

The narcissist can’t act decently and show love and care simply because he or she is meant

to.. Narcissists do what they do because they’re narcissists – it just is what it is, and they are

what they are.

This doesn’t make you unlovable and unworthy, you most certainly are, and you will start

demonstrating that, and attracting the reflection of that into your life when you stop trying

to tame the monster that is continually ripping pieces out of you.

I really could write down probably 100 more scenarios that come from the narcissist’s bag of

tricks, but I think you get the point. I’ve experienced these digressions personally and hear

about the same ones over and over.

The frightful thing is that they all go the same way, and all have the same effect on victims.



When I was in recovery, talking to other people and doing a great deal of research, I

discovered that other narcissistic abuse victims I talked to were speaking about my life, and

the conversations they had with narcissists were identical to the ones I engaged in with my

narcissistic ex-partner.

I can’t tell you how many people read my material and then tell me ‘You are describing my

life word for word’. Maybe you are having the same experience.

The truth is narcissistically abused people all go through the same inhumane experiences.

When some clients struggle to realise the narcissistic formula, I’ve asked them for the topic

of angst, and been able to identically describe what the narcissist said and did, and then

describe their exact response, feelings and reactions to what the narcissist did.

This proves this is not just some weird, random and terrible thing happening in the

relationship – rather, they are caught up in the trap of typical narcissistic abuse – where the

narcissist can create projection and suck them dry for narcissistic supply.

This helps facilitate the acceptance that the person you are dealing with is – point blank –

narcissistic.

I urge you to accept the same conclusion if you’re being narcissistically abused – because it’s

essential for your liberation.

A ‘no-person’ operating from a false self, with no genuine sense of humanity, acts in

incredibly unconscious and destructive ways, and it all manifests as the same behaviour.

This is why if you’re suffering events that have lead you to information regarding narcissism,

and the points and behaviours resonate with you – you’re definitely dealing with a

narcissist.



I really don’t care how much contemporary psychology states this person has not been

diagnosed, and therefore you can’t be sure. I don’t care that you may be hanging on to the

hope that the wonderful partner could come back, I don’t care that psychology authorities

are trying to de-list the clinical diagnosis of narcissism, and I don’t care that labels such as bi-

polar, and aspergers are used to describe narcissistic behaviour.

The fact of the matter is: these behaviours are very stock standard, and apply to any

individual locked in egoic defence mechanisms who acts without conscience and displays

self-entitled behaviour. This spreads confusion and destruction personally and collectively.

IF this is going on in your life, there is no way to resolve it and get better, other than to see it

for what it is and get away from the abuse.

I don’t know how many times I’ve heard narcissistically abused individuals discuss in great

detail the he said/she said details of the arguments. I did this myself. You need to realise

that the details are totally insignificant.

The narcissist will do and say anything to push your buttons to get narcissistic supply. That is

it in a nut shell. You actually have no way of knowing whether or not the details of the

narcissist’s words have any credibility or even any meaning.

Literally it will be anything delivered in the moment without conscience in order to gain

attention.

Your ‘humanness’ is going over and over the crazy details in your head. You are not dealing

with a human model, you’re dealing with a narcissist whose reality is a Universe away from

yours.

Again: The narcissist does what he or she does because he or she is a narcissist.

Dangerously the narcissist is riddled with rage, pathological envy and deep undercurrents of

revenge on humanity. Humans have what he or she never can. The narcissist is the ultimate

victim who positions him or herself against the world.



If you are in close proximity, the narcissist’s torturous feelings mean that the narcissist has

to take you down to try to get emotional relief. This is one of the main reasons why you

were recruited.

Ironically the narcissist was attracted to you for the very things that he or she hates. The

narcissist chose you because he or she wanted to steal your energy and your good feelings.

But like everything else, your ‘good stuff’ does not make the narcissist happy.

Nothing makes the narcissist genuinely happy – it’s a bottomless pit.

The narcissist despises his or her own neediness for the energy from people who are a

constant reminder of the narcissist’s inadequacies, and the narcissist can’t escape this self-

created hell.

The only relief the narcissist can get is the tearing down of everything ‘good’ in order to gain

some type of significance for self.

What you are to the narcissist and what you need to be to yourself

We can begin to understand the emotional dependencies that lead us into unhealthy

addiction with narcissists, and these understandings assist our ability to get clear and break

free.

Then we can perform the necessary work on ourselves to become healthy and empowered

individuals who validate, know and trust ourselves, and have no requirement to tolerate

and fix damaging others in order to try to have a fulfilling life.

We can begin to realise that this responsibility to ourself is ours and not the narcissist’s.

Just because the narcissist pretended that he or she was the person who was going to give

you a great life, does not mean that it’s his or her job.



Certainly there is no possibility of forcing him or her to do that job. They never signed up for

that job, and simply don’t possess the resources to do it. The narcissist was never going to

miraculously morph into the person that you want him or her to be.

The real reason you experienced a narcissist was always to give you enough pain to get on

to the necessary mission of fully taking responsibility for creating yourself.

That’s the gift, and it’s a make or break deal.

You’re either going to hang out in the contemporary model of narcissistically abused people

– shattered or battered for the rest of life as a result of never being able to let go of the

pain, loss and despair of what the narcissist did to you – and fearfully try to get a great life

going.

Or,

You’re going to let go, fully take responsibility for your own journey, create a self that is

empowered, and then attract the life and love into your experience that matches the truth

you want to live - without fear and pain.

No matter how bad it feels now, you DO have the ability to create this journey of self.

Many people have done it.

IF you become a full and healthy source to yourself of happiness authenticity, truth and

fulfilment, you’ll never accept anything less than that again.

Because ‘less than that’ is no longer your reality.

You’ll easily be able to say “No!” and keep walking and only welcome and sustain those

people and situations that match your energy.



When you are clear and walking truth and feeling good about it – healthy people and

situations start coming into your life much more easily. And you more easily identify the

counterfeit articles.

We proclaim that of course people should behave decently, honestly and with respect for

others! This tendency to try to force other people to be a certain way in order for us to be

healthy and safe; this exclamation of ‘Whilst you are wrong, I have no control over my own

life to feel right’ is the very root of the self-disintegrating effects of co-dependency and

relationship addiction.

The more we try to control the uncontrollable (which is highly amplified with narcissistic

individuals) the more we lose control of ourselves, and become the empty, demented,

lifeless shells that narcissistic abuse creates.

It can be very tempting when discovering information about narcissism to try to discuss it

with the narcissist, and try to get him or her to understand what’s really going on. If you go

down this track, as many of us do or did, you’re only attempting prescribing, lecturing, fixing

or the forcing of the narcissist into some sort of accountability.

These are co-dependent actions that you need to avoid at all costs.

These attempts are futile, and will only create more self-damage. The narcissist will not

tolerate having his mask taken down and having his ego challenged. He would rather lose

his physical life than be accountable to the truth, and he will twist and turn, project, confuse

and attack you mercilessly for trying to do it.

There is no way to corner a narcissist and work within parameters. There are no parameters.

He or she is a no-self willing to use all and any resources without conscience to achieve a

self-entitled agenda.

There is no way to create and contain results within these limitless boundaries. It’s a ‘free

for all’ war zone with no peace, or possibility of healthy outcomes.



The individuals who hang on and fight the hardest to try to reach resolution with the

narcissist are usually highly intelligent and capable people. Ironically despite these people’s

resources and intelligence, they are the people who get damaged the most.

These people have always believed they can rise and succeed in any area of their life. They

don’t like ‘losing’ and back themselves time and time again.

I was one of these people. My greatest strength (not accepting defeat) became my greatest

barrier to moving into acceptance, letting go and creating my own freedom.

I see this happen all the time...

Narcissistic abuse in Western (free) societies usually happens to people who do have

powerful resources to create their own survival. Narcissists like to help themselves to the

goodies.

Additionally, people who are weak stop trying to survive and win, and leave much earlier. I

can assure you, if you have been tolerating narcissistic abuse it’s not because you’re

unintelligent, have no survival options or are weak.

The very opposite is more likely to be true – you are highly intelligent and strong and don’t

want to lose this fight and admit defeat.

Fundamentally, the battle with the narcissist is a battle of egos – a tussle of who is ‘right’

and who is ‘wrong’, and the narcissist in this forum will always come out on top.

There is no human being who has a larger ego (false self) than a narcissist, and no-one who

knows how to fight as dirty.

Don’t ever believe you’re going to gain the upper hand as a result of the narcissist knowing

you know the truth about him or her. Quite frankly the narcissist doesn’t care about what

you think, as long as you’re still handing over narcissistic supply.



The details of how the supply comes about are irrelevant. If you grant attention and energy

and hang around for the vile projections of abuse (regardless of why), the narcissist is

getting exactly what he or she wants.

Now it’s time to realise that it’s not weak to admit defeat and walk away, it’s actually a sign

of strength, and will lead you to your real inner development of self.

It is the only answer, and the only way to WIN.

There is no greater defeat to the narcissist than you moving on, and him or her becoming

irrelevant in your life.

How to do No Contact

No contact means No Contact.

Every time you have contact with a narcissist, especially if they have been able to previously

inflict high-level damage, you are incredibly susceptible.

The narcissist knows all of your frailties; all of your insecurities and will mercilessly use this

knowledge to get narcissistic supply. You’re a sitting duck.

Even if you feel that you’re getting justice by looking out for yourself and being strong with

the narcissist, the narcissist can shift from rage to indifference, and discard you in a

heartbeat, leaving your reeling.

It’s another nasty trick that ensures gaining narcissistic supply, because he or she knows

you’ll obsess about it, suffer immensely and then have to say something. Then you’re

straight back in the web again.



How many ways can I say it to you? You’re never going to win the battle of trying to make

the narcissist be someone or do something that is going to make you feel better. The

narcissist is an expert at setting up every encounter so that you lose when playing the game.

Human resolution with a soulless person is impossible; you’re an object to him or her, a

source of narcissistic supply. If this is too heartless to comprehend, as it was for me initially,

we need to realise and firmly embrace that this is not about trying to get the narcissist to

care for and love you.

It’s about learning to care for and love yourself.

Caring for yourself, respecting yourself, and loving yourself is WHY you need to do No

Contact.

No Contact means that you don’t answer text messages, emails, phone calls or your front

door. No contact often means placing an intervention order on the narcissistic, (which is

very easy to do) in order to get him or her out of your life.

Do not believe for a moment that you need to prove physical violence or actual physical

threat in order to get an Intervention Order. You don’t. If you have told someone to Not

Contact and they continue to, and you feel immense anguish and torment as a result – then

that is ABUSE!

If you explain yourself calmly and without emotion to your Court House you will be able to

have an intervention order served – period! It is your civil right to be able to live a life of

peace without harassment.

When you mean it, you’ve stated to yourself, life and the narcissist – NO MORE!

No contact means no reactions, no need to get the upper hand, and no need to change him

or her. No contact means – NO ENERGY in any shape or form is given to the narcissist, and

you DON’T accept their abusive energy anymore.



In the case of Modified Contact where you have children with the narcissist, as little contact

as possible is what’s required. This means not biting on the hooks he or she throws down in

front of you. It means creating powerful boundaries around where you live, and use

intervention from the law if necessary to provide it. The narcissist is not allowed to come

into your home and invade your life or continue to practice entitlement.

Ensure that he or she sees the children alone, and you don’t get tempted to try to do family

time together. It isn’t healthy for you or the children, as obviously your children are a part of

your susceptibilities and the narcissist will use the kids to get to you without any remorse

about how it may affect them.

Children are much healthier with narcissists if you remove yourself when he or she has time

with them.

If you are really concerned about the narcissist abusing your children, and can prove this is a

real threat, then through legal means you can deny the narcissist access, and allow only

supervised visitation rights (if appropriate).

If you do need to have conversations with the narcissist, keep them short and to the point.

Answer in mono-syllables and offer nothing more than the bare basics in any dealings or

conversations. Keep your tone one dimensional, and show no emotion.

If the narcissist tries to bait you, take yourself out of the conversation. Hang up or leave.

You may consider using a conversation book whereby you write down emotionless

instructions regarding the children’s well-being, and put the book in your child’s bag to give

to the narcissist, rather than speaking to him or her directly.

If joint parenting, you are absolutely entitled to get an intervention order with conditions

that eliminates specific contact from the narcissist which can be enforced.



Narcissists are greedy, they like to have a trail of people from their past that they can keep

extracting supply from. Ex-partners make good sources of supply. It’s very pleasing to a

narcissist that they can still affect people, and that people aren’t over them. Don’t be

another on-going victim to add to the list.

For more information on how to do Modified Contact please see my Empowered Love Radio

episode Interview with NewWings and a female lawyer. New Wings relayed extremely

powerful information for individuals needing to handle narcissists legally and practically due

to shared custody.

The narcissist’s reaction to No Contact

It’s likely that the narcissist is going to react to No Contact and that’s why intervention

orders are a wonderful device to create boundaries with the narcissist and with yourself.

Most narcissists back off when an intervention order is put in place, and usually don’t leave

you alone unless one is executed. Virtually all narcissists are sociopaths, and not

psychopaths. They are bullies who are scared of organisations that are more powerful than

their false self illusion, and it’s only in rare cases that an intervention order won’t work.

The intervention order may help you stay away too, and not give in to the extreme addictive

pulls you’re feeling towards the narcissist. Having an intervention order in place will make

you think twice before reacting in the moment and calling, texting or dropping in on your

ex-narcissist.

If you break the intervention order there can be dire consequences. The narcissist as a form

of punishment may report you, and will certainly use your actions as ammunition against

you in the future (haven’t you already experienced this many times?) Also it can be more

difficult to be taken seriously and put an intervention order in place next time.

If you don’t create strong boundaries enforcing No Contact, you leave a precarious gap open

whereby the narcissist will keep trying to extract narcissistic supply from you. If he or she

feels that there’s any chance of doing so, the motivation to try for contact will be strong.

http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/media.htm

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/empowered-love/2010/07/27/interview-with-newwings-and-a-female-lawyer-in-regard-to-narcissists-and-legal-steps-and-strategies



It’s incredible how a narcissist who is not gleaning a response will continue days, weeks,

months and even years down the track to contact you. You can be sure that this is done at a

time when sources of narcissistic supply have dried up, or are precariously low in his or her

life.

Narcissists have admitted to me that when they are low on supply they will contact anyone

who may hand it out. Ex-partners are most definitely on the hit-list.

Normal, healthy people don’t do this – and wouldn’t want to risk appearing desperate or

needy. Again, the narcissist really doesn’t care what his or her targets of supply think; it’s all

about getting the much needed drug of attention.

Leaving yourself open to these messages that could continue for a long time is dangerous.

You may be having a weak moment. You may still be struggling with the pain and the ‘what

if’s’.

The narcissist generally does not make contact like a normal healthy person would, with

things like “How are you? I’m wondering how you are getting on” or any other sane

approach.

The narcissist is likely to make contact in a way that he or she knows will crawl under your

skin, and get your head ticking.

Tactics such as cryptic messages, derogatory accusations, messages that feign undying love,

and some sort of promise, or stating fabricated situations that prey on your vulnerabilities

(blind spots) will be used to try and re-establish contact.

When receiving messages from the narcissist out of the blue, it can feel like a bomb has

gone off. You’ll experience feelings of anxiety.

For me it felt like shards of ice coursing through my veins.



Until you’ve recovered and empowered yourself it will affect you, and you’re kidding

yourself if you don’t think it will. Narcissists are high-level abusers, and as a result of the

abuse you endured, until you get on to your healing, you will be suffering from Complicated

Traumatic Stress Disorder, and your emotions by association with the narcissist are easily

thrown into a spin.

When disconnecting from the narcissist, until you’ve undergone recovery of self processes,

you will be terrorised by possible contact, and suffering from the addiction withdrawal

symptoms of pulling away.

The knowing that a message could come through at any time is tortuous. Every time your

phone goes off you’ll be wondering if it’s the narcissist. It’s likely that you’ll be checking

constantly and almost obsessively, and this is certainly not useful in the goal of establishing

yourself and moving on with your life.

The only way to achieve your personal success is to get your focus off the narcissist and

firmly on to yourself.

Your recovery process will go so much better WHEN you cut off any of the possibilities of

contact. If this means placing an intervention order and / or changing your email address,

phone numbers etc. then do it. Then you won’t be in the constant anxiety of ‘what if he /

she makes contact?’

If you’re struggling to create these powerful boundaries, have a friend that you trust hold

your hand, and encourage you to go through with it.

It’s really important, and absolutely imperative, to put the effort into healing yourself during

this period of disconnection (the aftershock) of leaving a narcissistic relationship. If you

don’t, you may be one of many that take intervention orders off (I reneged on 2 before

following through and meaning it), or hand out the narcissist your new contact details, only

to have to change them again in the future.

More people do this than you could imagine. Maybe you have already been through this

repeat experience yourself.



If you make it a mission to work on and recover yourself and your life, it’s more likely that

you’ll kick the horrible habit that is destroying you.

If you don’t have strong boundaries in place, the narcissist is not going to easily accept his or

her loss of narcissistic supply. If the narcissist currently has other high level sources granting

attention it’s possible you’ll be left alone, but often this is not the case – even when the

narcissist is receiving supply from others.

The narcissist will do all that he or she can to re-hook you. If this means he or she has to

plead, beg and promise you the world, that’s the strategy that will be used. This is normal

narcissistic behaviour when abandoned.

Or the narcissist may threaten and try to bring your life down, forcing you to go back, or

may purposefully discard you and act like he or she doesn’t care, especially if the tactic of

abandonment pushes your buttons and keeps you running back.

That may go something like this: ‘I’ll keep declaring it was your fault and tell you the

relationship was finished with me anyway.’

The narcissist knows that acting like He or she doesn’t care about you is the one of the most

powerful ways to not allow you get to get closure, and keeps you on the hook.

All of these tactics could change shape at random intervals. In amongst the madness one

thing is for certain: The narcissist does not keep his or her word.

The promise to give you space will fall over. The promise to change will fall over. The ‘I hate

you and will never speak to you again’ will fall over.

Nothing can be taken literally as Truth....



If confronted by the begging and pleading narcissist, don’t be fooled into believing that

FINALLY he or she has got it, turned the corner, had the epiphany and can now become a

healthy partner.

The narcissist may even offer to get help, to go to therapy, and may even start doing so. This

is common.

However when therapy starts – if it’s joint, you’ll quickly discover the narcissist starts

twisting the therapy sessions which doesn’t grant you any sense of relief regarding his or

her behaviour, and if the narcissist sees a therapist alone, he or she will be working

diligently at manipulating the therapist.

Therapists despise working with NPDs for this very reason.

If you’ve already gone through these cycles, you know how false the promises and ‘I’ll do

anything to save this relationship’ statements are. The narcissist is simply doing whatever it

takes to re-establish narcissistic supply.

If you do succumb, as I did often and give it another try, it won’t take long before the old

behaviour begins again and you’re re-hooked.

Dangerously, now the relationship gets worse. The narcissist is furious that you left, and that

he or she had to grovel, and will be driven to punish you mercilessly.

Now there are more reasons for revenge, and extreme-level abuse will ensue.

Additionally, the narcissist will start setting up separate bank accounts, trying to siphon

money and resources out of the relationship to the best of his or her ability. The justification

will be – I have to protect myself in case I get left again, and I’m going to get everything I can

in case this happens.



In Conclusion

The overwhelming evidence and truth of narcissism is that you must get out and stay out.

This is true; regardless of the losses you wish you could re-coup. If you stay they’re only

going to get worse. If you continue to stay the losses will only be magnified, the ship is going

down and you’re going down with it.

A life with a false person is not the truth, and whatever isn’t real will not stand the test of

time, it must crumble. There’s no holding on, surviving or recovering, let alone experiencing

and creating a great life when connected to a narcissist. It just doesn’t happen. He or she

will make sure this is not possible for you. It’s the last thing that the narcissist wants.

The narcissist also makes us realise one of the greatest spiritual lessons of all.

Nothing - no bricks, mortar or financial things are worth selling our soul for.

Most people who exit narcissistic relationship lose out financially. It’s just the way it goes.

But what they do gain is the opportunity to heal and become a True Self, who can then add

anything to their life as a bonus.

When you were with the narcissist, nothing in life was real, regardless of the ‘stuff’ you

thought you had as a result of the relationship.

Sometimes it takes ‘losing it all’ to realise the destruction of what living a life that isn’t real

creates, and the losses that occur when we don’t heed the warning signs, back our inner

truth, and when we continue to stubbornly hang on to something that clearly isn’t healthy

for us.

As you may have understood by the snippets of my story, until I discovered the truth of

what was happening to me, and committed to really recover, I made enormous mistakes

that kept me chained to the abuse.



I didn’t want to lose the dream, I didn’t want to lose out financially, and I wanted to force

my version of ‘how it should be’ and ‘how he should be’ to work.

At that point there was nobody to be found that had the answers and the clearly defined

processes that were going to help me recover.

I found and formulated the answers myself piece by piece, and since that occurred there

was no turning back – I recovered powerfully and quickly, and discovered more inner peace,

joy and fulfilment than I had ever known I could possibly feel.

I now help other people, who have lived this nightmare, do the same.

I sincerely hope that this publication will help you get clear, and bring you to the

understanding of what it is that you need to do.

Not tomorrow, not after Christmas, not when the house has been paid off, and not when

the kids leave home. The decision of separation, reclaiming yourself and No Contact is

required sooner rather than later...

‘Later’ means ‘What state will I be in, when I do get out?’

You are human, you do deserve to live, and you do deserve to be emotionally healthy and

fulfilled and in love. You will achieve these perfectly normal human goals when you use the

power of truth and acceptance to set you free.

Life only beats us up when we resist what we know is truth, and try to make an unmakeable

deal work. When we let go into truth and flow with it, life takes us towards what is our truth

– which is always glorious and a match for what we truly do want to experience.

The narcissist clearly isn’t what you stand for and what you want. The narcissist is the polar

opposite of life, love, creation, support and happiness, and will not provide you with any of

these things.



Living with the narcissist means death.

Living without the narcissist and empowering yourself means LIFE.

If you know now that you have been dealing with NPD, and feel clear that you do have to

get out, stay out and rebuild yourself, the next section is relevant for you....

The Recovery Process

Please note: These steps are appropriate for a love-partner, a family member or parent, or

any other significant narcissistic person in your life.

These are specific Energetic Release Steps in the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program which

release the ‘hooks’ and the anguish of narcissistic abuse at a very deep and powerful level.

To learn more about these Energetic Healing Steps please listen to and participate in this Radio

Show which offers a free sample of Quanta Freedom Healing.

*Please note the processes in this Radio Show are generic – whereas the processes in the NARP

Program below are specific to releasing and healing the hooks of narcissistic abuse.

Step 1: Releasing the immediate pain, torment and feelings of loss and

despair

There’s a perverse feeling of total confusion and inability to accept how any individual who at times seems so loving and connected to you, could maim, deceive, discredit, manipulate and abuse you the way the narcissist does. As a victim of narcissistic abuse, you have such focus on the disbelief of this phenomenon that you’ve lost the ability to connect to yourself and look after your own well-being.

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/empowered-love/2012/04/24/manifesting-love-and-life-goals-dreams-and-your-identity

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/empowered-love/2012/04/24/manifesting-love-and-life-goals-dreams-and-your-identity



You’ve lost the ability to healthily create your own life as a result of trying to hold the narcissist responsible, and trying to strive for justice. By doing this you are playing right into the narcissist’s hands, because your emotions, reality and existence are all dependent on of what the narcissist is or isn’t doing in any given moment – which accelerates your self-disintegration. This step allows you to release the pain from your emotional self and experience freedom from the insidious and tormenting feelings and thoughts that consume your life regarding the narcissist. This step allows you to break free so that you start to grant yourself focus, attention and healing.

Step 2: Release and heal the ‘illusion’ of the perfect partner

The narcissist initially presented him or herself to you as the perfect partner, and then the narcissist performed a take-over and mined you atrociously for his or her own needs.

You must let go of the idolised version, the ‘good partner’ or ‘great person’ (who represented everything you wanted to believe in), and come to terms with accepting what is, in order to stop trying to retrieve the narcissist as your perfect partner (or person). This step allows you to release the illusions, and be able to experience relief and freedom from your idolised version –the agonising memories, what if’s and yearnings you have. This is essential in order to break away from your feelings of being hooked and addicted to the narcissist.

Step 3: Forgiving yourself and Life for what you’ve been through

Losing the glorious life you thought you had with the narcissist, can feel like intense failure and be almost impossible to face.



It’s likely you have hung on through extreme amounts of mind-bending experiences and abuse. It seems like life has served you a horrible, cruel and twisted mistake and that you’ve continually thrown in more and more pieces of yourself to be destroyed. By applying this step, you will be able to forgive yourself and life, for what you’ve been through, and be able to release your regret and despair. This stops the self-defeating mentality and lack of self-belief and self-support that is keeping you stuck and not allowing you to move forward.

Step 4: Release and heal the pain of the injustice and the betrayal

The narcissist penetrated into your soul. He or she enmeshed with you very quickly and you believed that you could trust this person fully and completely. The narcissist was privy to you inner self, your feelings, your life and your history. The narcissist then used pertinent information as a weapon and completely vilified your trust. Using ammunition and constantly accusing you, discrediting you and then acting out unthinkable behaviour created your agonised feelings of injustice and betrayal. By applying this step you will be able to let go of the pain of injustice and betrayal that is ripping your soul and your mind apart.

Step 5: Letting go of the fight to ‘win’ and create decency

Trying to reach resolution or common human decency with a narcissist is like trying to reason with an irrational and delusional 5-year-old. The narcissist will continually blame you and use projection methods to accuse you of everything that the narcissist is themselves.



Additionally the narcissist fights dirty and will use allies (real or imagined), gaslighting and manipulation and pathological lies without conscience to confuse you, take you off track and discredit or downright maim you within disagreements. You must recognise that your intense need for decency, validation and recognition from the narcissist is a fruitless exercise that creates the impulse to stay hooked in the attempt to prove your integrity, compassion, love and assistance to the narcissist. You are also addicted to trying to force the narcissist to be accountable. These intense feelings of trying to create decency are some of the most powerful feelings that keep you hooked up in the fight, and supplying the narcissist with A-grade narcissistic supply.

By applying this step you will no longer seek the need for the narcissist to accept you as a good person, and you’ll be able to let go of the intensely frustrating and excruciating attempts to get the narcissist to behave like a decent person. By doing so you will be able to gain validation, closure and relief within yourself and release one of the strongest urges that is keeping you hooked to the narcissist.

Step 6: Release and heal the need to take responsibility for and trying to fix

the abuser / narcissist

The narcissist will at times show you remorse, be vulnerable, and allow you to see his or her damaged inner child. This occurs at times of genuine (yet brief) narcissistic injury, or when feigning in order to ensure narcissistic supply – especially when the narcissist knows you are close to leaving and another tactic won’t work. At these times, you are in danger of feeling that there is hope for the narcissist.



Because you feel empathy for the narcissist, the life he or she has lead, the disappointments he or she has experienced, and possibly appalling childhood conditions, you may want to assume responsibility to help the narcissist heal. Many victims feel like ‘mothers’ and ‘fathers’ to the narcissist, and somehow believe that it is their karmic duty or destiny to stay and love and help the narcissist unconditionally, despite the atrocious behaviour.

By applying this step, you will be able to let go of destroying yourself as a result of taking responsibility for another being who is not taking responsibility for themselves. You will let go of the feelings that have enabled the narcissist’s abusive behaviour, and you will establish your truth which is: you are responsible for your own self first and foremost.

Step 7: Connecting to the gift of your own personal and spiritual

empowerment.

Narcissistic experience on the surface feels like the most disgusting and horrendous

situation that you could possible experience.

In reality, as with all situations we experience, there is a higher reason.

By applying this step you will uncover the reason, and become liberated with the knowledge of why you experienced narcissistic abuse, and start flowing towards the gift of creating your own self-empowerment. This releases you from the position of being a victim, and establishes you as a conscious creator of the life and love you wish to experience. Incredible relief, joy and freedom will be experienced at the result of this step. This step releases you from unconscious attraction of abusive experiences in your life.



It provides graduation to a higher level.

Step 8: Release and heal the fear of the narcissist, and what they may do next

/ abuse etc.

Narcissists work by instilling fear. You know they are capable of unspeakable acts, extreme manipulation, lies and manoeuvres, which mean you simply don’t know what’s coming next. Even after you separate, and start gaining self-empowerment, these insidious fears may play out powerfully, especially in times when everything goes quiet, or when dealing in legal proceedings or child custody battles. When fear is running through your veins, it’s difficult to get on with your life. Additionally if you are operating in fear you will attract more of what you fear. By applying this step you will align with your truth ( a life without pain and fear) regardless of what the narcissist is or isn’t doing, and because you are no longer charged with fear or affected, the narcissist loses power. He or she will fail in these attempts and the terrorising hold falls apart. This may sound extreme, but is exactly what does occur when you learn to disconnect. When you ‘become’ the energy you want to create in your life, the narcissist will no longer be able to operate in your life experience – truly. You will no longer be a match.



Session 9: Release and heal the connection to the narcissist (he / she is a part

of me I can’t let go of).

Because of the intense focus on the narcissist, the narcissist has achieved the objective of become the ‘all’ to you – regardless of how painful that is. To lose the narcissist may feel like a total loss of self. The end of the relationship may feel like death and total emotional annihilation. It may feel almost impossible to experience anything pleasant ever again. The narcissist monopolised everything in your life, and that coupled with the addiction process and hooking of narcissistic abuse can make the process of truly letting go excruciating and almost unthinkable. This step clears the hooks and the ties to the narcissist, granting you the freedom to let go and move forward, without the intense feelings of crippling attachment to him or her.

Step 10: My liberation, freedom and truth.

This is the final step that allows you to joyously expand and become the conscious creator that you were always born to be. This step clears the limiting beliefs that have stopped you becoming your True Self. Your True Self Function is: you are unlimited, you are connected to all of life, and that your desires are real and do exist for you. This allows you to discover who you are – and know that you have broken free from the pain, and become the outflowing of yourself without fear toward your goals. You will experience the profound connection of who you really are, and feel free to move into the positive life you want to live. Many people report after this final step a feeling of: I Have Come Home.



These steps can be repeated at any time of need. The more we release the binds, the freer we become, and the more we leave the narcissist behind and clear the space for the True Energy we wish to define our life by.

Please see the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program to learn how you can

release the pain, and flow into creating your freedom and True Life.

Good luck with No Contact, you certainly can do it!

Remember to draw on all of the resources and supportive avenues and individuals that you

can in this make or break time.

Use this time of No Contact powerfully. It is the reprieve you need to heal and gain your

True Self.

There is a huge difference between simply ‘going’ through an experience, or ‘growing

through’ an experience.

It is the difference between survivors and thrivers...

Much love

Melanie

http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/services/narc-abuse-recovery.htm

Claim Your True Self eBook Series

How to Recognise and Heal from Co-Dependency

Teaches you how to correct the co-dependent patterns that are holding you back from the freedom, abundance and joy you deserve.

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How to Understand and Implement Healthy Boundary Function

Teaches you how to use self-ownership to build safe, healthy boundaries from the start, in 5 easy and powerful steps.

Gives you essential tools and tips to creating your very first 'real' boundaries.

Explains how giving yourself up for other people doesn’t empower them, whereas learning how to say “no”, and honour yourself does.

How to Recognise and Heal from Narcissistic Abuse

Explains how you were swept off your feet all the way to sustaining high level abuse.

Understand how you got hooked in the narcissist’s web, and gain the knowledge and tools to understand how to never get hooked again.

Provides 14 action steps to detach yourself from the narcissist’s control, abuse and manipulation.

How To Do No Contact

Teaches you how to identify and overcome the addiction, even when your resolve is weak. This will empower you to stop going back for good!

Gives you an essential understanding of the inner working of the narcissist's mind, so you can deal with the narcissist’s reaction to No Contact.

A proven 10 step process to making a full recovery from narcissistic abuse.

Self Care when Recovering from Narcissistic Abuse

Gives you 8 self-care techniques to start releasing the painful feelings and start experiencing real relief.

Explains how you became addicted to the pain of narcissistic abuse and gives you the knowledge to reverse the addiction for good.

Learn how to love, support and respect yourself powerfully in emotional and practical ways.

http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/empowered-self/ebook-codependency.htm

http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/empowered-self/ebook-boundaries.htm

http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/empowered-self/ebook-narcissism.htm

http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/articles/narcsignup.htm

http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/empowered-self/ebook-selfcarefromnarcissisticabuse.htm

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