Intimate Relationships and Communication

Developing Intimate Relationships

• To have successful relationships, a positive self-concept and healthy self-esteem help love and respect others

• Personal identity must be allowed to develop

• The following are other factors learned in early childhood that assist with healthy relationships:

• Gender roles• Style of attachment• Formulation of friendships

General Gender Differences• Men are more independent – self-

reliant (self value associated with achievement)

• Women are more interdependent- relational (self value associated with connectiveness to others)

• Men are more goal/bottom line focused

• Women tend to enjoy the process• Men are more competitive in the

need to prove themselves• Women are more cooperative and

nurturing

Gender Differences, con’t.

• Men are more analytical• Women are more intuitive• Men use one brain hemisphere at a

time• Women use both hemispheres

simultaneously• Men are more linear focused• Women tend to be better at multi-

tasking• Men are more action-oriented• Women are more verbal

Gender Differences, con’t.

• Men use words for conveying facts• Women use words for expressing

emotion• Men have a primary need for respect• Women have a primary need for

being cherished

Reference: Gray, John: Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus

Equality in Relationships• Honesty & Responsibility• Open Communication• Intimacy• Physical Affection• Fairness & Negotiation• Shared Responsibility• Respect• Trust & Support

Power & Control in Relationships

• Minimization & Blame• Intimidation• Sexual Abuse• Physical Abuse• Threats• Domination• Humiliation• Possessiveness

Challenges in Intimate Relationships

• Honesty and Openness• Unequal or Premature Commitment• Unrealistic Expectations

• Competitiveness• Balancing Time Spent Together

and/or Apart• Jealousy

Strategies for Enhancing Support in Relationships

• Be aware of the importance of support

• Learn to ask for help from your partner

• Help your partner the way you would liked to be helped

• Avoid negativity

• Make positive attributions• Do things for yourself once in a

while• Keep relationship problems separate

from other support issues

Ending a Relationship• Give the relationship a fair

chance before dissolving • Be fair, tactful, honest, and

compassionate• If you are the rejected person,

give time to resolve anger and pain

• Recognize the value of the experience in order to move on towards better times

Communication Skills

• Non-verbal forms of communication can be just as important as verbal

• Three keys for good communication in relationships:

• Self-disclosure• Listening• Feedback

Choosing a Partner• Most will consider the following:

• Geographical area• Similar ethnic and socioeconomic

background• Educational level• Lifestyle• Physical attractiveness

• Based upon many common characteristics, the shift goes towards basic values such as:

• Religion• Political beliefs• Sexual attitudes• Family/children

Marriage

95% of all Americans marry some time in their life

Satisfies several basic needs Today, marriage is more for personal,

emotional reasons When people enter marriage with such

preconceptions, it may be harder for them to appreciate the benefits that it offers

Benefits of Marriage

• Affection• Personal affirmation• Companionship• Sexual fulfillment• Emotional growth

• Setting to raise children• Providing for the future• Economic provision• Tax issues

Predictors of a Happy Marriage

• Partners have a realistic expectation about their relationship

• Each feel good about the personality of the other

• They communicate well

• They have effective ways of resolving conflict

• They agree on religious/ethical values

• They have an egalitarian role relationship

• They have a good balance of individual versus joint interests and leisure activities

Divorce• The true statistic is that historically speaking

no more than 41% of marriages end in divorce.• Experts suggest the reflections of the following

unfulfilled expectations:– Belief that marriage will ease the need to

deal with own faults– Belief that marriage will change faults in

your partner– Belief that romance will continue at the same

level throughout marriage– Belief that marriage will provide the avenue

to continue your personal power– Belief that your partner will be successful in

meeting all your needs

Successful Families• This is a family that copes

successfully with stress and crisis, which involves the following:

• Commitment• Appreciation• Communication• Time together• Spiritual wellness• Coping with stress and crisis in positive ways

Website Resources• American Association for Marriage

& Family: www.aamft.org• Association for Couples in Marriage

Enrichment www.bettermarriages.org• Family Education Network:

www.familyeducation.com• Go Ask Alice:

www.goaskalice.columbia.edu• Life Innovations:

www.lifeinnovation.com

• Parents Without Partners: www.parentswithoutparnters.org

• Student Counseling Virtual Pamphlet Collection: http://counseling.uchicago.edu/vpc

• United States Census Bureau: www.census.gov

• Whole Family Center: www.wholefamily.com

• Yahoo/Lesbians, Gays, and Bisexuals: http://dir.yahoo.com/society_and _culture/cultures_and_groups

Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network – hotline and on-line help with important information & links

www.rainn.org