Sp. 121 Ch. 12Interpersonal Contexts

Communication in Friendships

Communication in the Family

Communication in Intimate Relationships

Types of Communication In Friendships

• Short vs. Long term• Task vs. Maintenance Oriented• Low vs. High Disclosure• Low vs. High Obligation• Infrequent vs. Frequent Contact

Friendships, Gender and Communication

Communication in Successful Friendships• Friendships come with expectations, & when not met, we

consider them violations.– Share joys and sorrows– Listen-even when not very interested (Ch. 7 & 10)– Maintain Confidences-discretion is expected– Help– Stand up for each other-defends rights, honor, & reputation– Honor Pledges/Commitments-vital even if small things– Treat with Respect-act to affirm each person’s dignity– Have Balanced Exchanges- Social Exchange Theory (cost/reward)

p.284– Have Connection & Autonomy-time with & without them, &

Freedom for own, different choices (Ch. 9)– Apologize and Forgive- good apology & true forgiveness = repair for

relationship (Ch. 9)

Contemporary Families

• Today families have many arrangements.– Traditional: Nuclear family-Mother, father,

child(ren) • May or may not live with extended family

– Nontraditional: Adoption by one parent, adoption by same-sex couple, use of surrogate mother, us of sperm donor, blended families (one or both previously married w/ child(ren), GLBT within family, etc.

Family Communication

• Families are based on, formed and maintained with communication.

Shared Narratives- reinforce shared goals, teach values, & stress concerns. (Stressing positive storytelling & using “we” language helps function & satisfaction.)Rituals- Expected, repeated behaviors (for celebrations or everyday life)Rules- each family creates; can be explicit (clearly spoken) or may need to be hinted. Stepfamilies- unique rules-what to avoid or not; stepchildren- avoid talking more with stepparents & amount of sharing affected by highly authoritarian or highly permissive parents.Rules govern talking w/people outside family (strangers and/or use of Internet)

Family Communication Patterns-as Systems

• All families are systems with members interacting to form a whole.

• System characteristics shaping how members communicate:– Interdependence: each event shapes future

interaction– More than the sum of its parts: members interact

differently alone than with family– Systems within the larger system: combinations

for each set of interacting members; more members=more combinations

Family Patterns: Family Openness and Conformity

• Conversational orientation: degree family favors open climate & discusses wide variety of topics– High conversational orientation=communicate

often w/few limits on topics; talk w/children for relational reasons. Conflict may be integrating & compromising. Conversation is rewarding; kids have more interpersonal skills for later relationships. (Koesten, 2004)

– Low conversational orientation=interact less w/fewer private thoughts exchanged

Family Patterns: Conformity

• Conformity orientation: degree of stressing uniform attitudes, values, and beliefs

– Commun. w/children for control & escape motives as well as affection.

– High conformity = Hierarchical; often some have more authority than others.

– Low conformity = family interests subordinated to individual interests

Examining Conversation & Conformity Orientations= 4 Family Types

• Consensual = high in both conversation openness & conformity (pressure to agree <hierarchy> but interest in being open, too

• Pluralistic = high in openness & low in conformity (unrestrained & each person evaluated on own merits)

• Protective = low openness & high conformity (obey authority & reluctant to share thoughts/feelings)

• Laissez-faire = lack of involvement w/each other; decisions are individual

Relationships within Families

• Spouses/Partners: (Looking at Gender-relatedcommunication = 4 categories)

• Masculine comm.= highly instrumental, task-related topics, low in expressive (emotional) content

• Feminine comm.= high in expressiveness, low in instrumentality

• Androgynous comm.= both emotional & instrumental messages

• Undifferentiated comm.= low in both instrumentality and expressiveness

Gender type & Couple Satisfaction

• Gender-typed pairs (same types)=lower satisfaction than– Androgynous pairs– Stereotyped feminine wives w/extremely masculine

husbands = lowest satisfaction & love (Helms, et al 2006)

• Similarity also important. Similar instrumental & expressive scores (undifferentiated couples) were about as satisfied as Androgynous ones.

• Different expressive scores in gender typed couple =lower marital quality

• Conflict w/Spouses/Partners =can be aggressive or can ignore conflict (withdraw). Both are harmful

Parent-Child Communication Dimensions• Interaction Patterns: More persons=more dyads

– Enriching but complicated– Blended families: children from prior marriage

• How do siblings interact w/ blood vs. step siblings?• How do parents interact with all? • What happens when new child related to all arrives?

• Managing Connection-Autonomy Dialectic:2 incompatible forces exist at same time (Ch. 9)– Adolescents

• Often challenge rules/beliefs = discipline, family roles (tasks), topics allowed

• Establish nonfamily relationships• Weaken family bonds• Healthy boundaries (privacy & freedom) & flexibility both needed

to negotiate new balance of openness/closedness=parents & children (how often to communicate, etc.)

Siblings

• Siblings have strategies for maintaining relationships. Confirmation, humor, social support, escape

• 3 dimensions of interaction:- Affection, hostility and rivalry (Myers & Bryant, 2008)

- Affection usually reciprocated, but hostility & rivalry may not be. - After separation & divorce, single-parent family siblings= higher

in affection & hostility than siblings in two-parent families. (Noller, 2005)

• Important for older siblings to maintain relationships through behaviors:

o Sharing tasks, expressing positivity, and offering assurances (Myers, 2003)

o Sharing family stories w/ siblings validates feelings/life choices. (McGoldrick, 1999)

Effective Family Communication

• Strive for balance but respect boundaries.– Enmeshed family= one w/ too much cohesion– Disengaged family= too little cohesion, limited attachment

or commitment to each other (Olson, 2000)

• Families solve by creating boundaries, limits on members’ actions. – Physical (“stay out”) & Conversational boundaries – can be how topic is handled.

– Newcomers=learn a family’s boundaries

• Healthy boundaries balance openness & closedness.– Relational communication allows privacy and freedom

Strive for Moderate Adaptability Level

• Adapt how family functions & how members deal with each other– Negotiate & begin to share control w/teens– High adaptability- more contact with GLBT children

than families with low adaptability• Chaotic Family: Too much adaptability=erratic or no

leadership; unclear, shifting roles, & impulsive decisions• Rigid Family: Too little adaptability= authoritarian

leadership; strict discipline; inflexible roles; & unchanging rules

• Families function better when cohesion, conformity, & adaptability levels are moderate. (Schrodt, 2005)

• These messages show we value the other person.• 2 highly confirming ones for children (Ellis. 2002)

– telling children they’re unique & valuable– genuinely listening to what kids say is important– More confirmation w/adolescents= more openness w/ parents

(Dailey, 2006)

• Disconfirming messages– belittling children– communicating their ideas don’t count

• Successful Marriages use confirming messages when realistic. Satisfied couples use ratio of 5:1 (positive-to-negative) (Gottman, 2003)

Encourage Confirming Messages

Deal Constructively w/Conflict

• Conflict is natural & inevitable.• Challenge is resolving effectively so

relationship is stronger, NOT avoiding it– Physical and/or verbal aggression is not the way to

handle it.– Couples ignoring (withdrawing)=less satisfaction.

• Family conflict management:– Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff– Focus on Manageable Issues-break into parts– Share appreciation as Well as Gripes– Seek Win-Win Solutions

Family Conflicts• Not all conflicts are resolvable.• As long as confirming communication is used,

family commitment and satisfaction doesn’t have to be reduced. Fight fairly.

Communication in Intimate Relationships

• Dimensions of Intimacy: – Emotional (can be about finances)– Physical– Intellectual– Shared Activities

• Can have one or even all four qualities• Living w/o any intimacy is unhealthy.• Fear of intimacy can cause major problems

creating/maintaining relationships.

Gender and Intimacy

• Studies saying women are more concerned with and better at developing/maintaining intimate relationships used to be true, but the differences are aren’t as dramatic as they used to be. (Dindia, 2002)

• Emotional expression isn’t the only way to develop close relationships. Today, the meaning of intimacy is more similar than different for men and women. (Radmacher…,2006)

• No generalization applies to every person. • Cultural shift in U.S. = fathers becoming more affectionate

with sons than previously-even if some expressed in shared activities.

• Remember: men and women still differ in how to express it.

Culture and Intimacy

• Intimacy varies from one culture to another.(Marshall, 2010)

• Cultural differences in intimacy are less prominent as the world is connected by media, travel, and technology.

• Large differences between Eastern and Western cultured may be disappearing. (Hatfield & Rapson, 2006)

Social Media & Intimacy

• Communication through social media=important to create & maintain social relationships, and can be just as personal as face-to-face. (Hans et al, 2004)

– It may develop more quickly through mediated channels.• Anonymity allows a freedom of expression not

necessarily in FtF meetings. (Ben-Ze’ev, 2003)• Emailing and messaging allow more constant contact

with loved ones. (Boase, er al, 2006)

• Self-disclosure level determines intimacy level as impersonal or interpersonal

Commitment in Intimate Relationships

• Relational commitment involves a promise (implied or explicit) to stay in the relationship and make it successful.

• Both language and actions measure commitment.– Language clarifies (but has to match actions)– Ceremonies can recognize & cement commitment.

• If looking for commitment, regular maintenance is required.

Maintaining Intimacy

• Maintenance-related communication aims to sustain features making relationship successful and satisfying. (Sahlstein, 2004)

• Even long-distance relationships can maintain intimacy via mediated channels. Tong…, 2011a)

– Social media may be more effective than FtF to improve the quality of a relationship. (Walther…, 2010)

• Can keep working on it, presenting the an idealized version of yourself (Rabby…, 2003)

• Partners negotiate “acceptable” online behavior for maintaining intimacy or “netiquette”. (Helsper…, 2010)

5 Strategies for Maintaining Romantic Relationships

• 1. Positivity• 2. Openness• 3. Assurances• 4. Sharing tasks• 5. Social networks

– The perception of both partners working equallyhard to maintain the relationship may be more

important than the reality.