Week 1: Balance- What is the state of your marriage? Signs of a healthy marriage- Working towards a future together

Week 2: Aerobics- Doing the hard work of fighting… and staying married

Week 3: Strength- Increasing the bond and connection with each other- Keys to making a marriage last

Week 4: Stretching- Growing (up) together- God in the middle of me- God in the middle of my marriage

Week 5: Review- Talking about it – again- and talking again… and, then some

Journey Class – May 2011 – 9:15am

Week 3: Strength- Increasing the bond and connection with each other- Keys to making a marriage last

In his book, Soul Cravings, Erwin Raphael McManus writes eloquently about intimacy and love. "We are

most alive when we find it, most devastated when we lose it, most empty when we give up on it, most

inhuman when we betray it, and most passionate when we pursue it."

Week 3: Strength- Increasing the bond and connection with each other- Keys to making a marriage last

What is Emotional Intimacy?

I. Emotional Intimacy

Emotional intimacy is a psychological event that occurs when the trust level and communication between two people is

such that it fosters the mutual sharing of each other's innermost selves. It is unbridled mutual self disclosure.

It is when we feel wholly accepted, respected, worthy, and even admired in the eyes of our mate.

Week 3: Strength- Increasing the bond and connection with each other- Keys to making a marriage last

• Takes Responsibility (for feelings, actions, choices, thoughts, values, love)

• Requires Ownership- for self & other• Values Treasures- of self & other• Understands that “You are not me”• Sees the Other as a Person- Not Object• Allows the Other’s Experience• Allows the Other to be Different• Respects Freedom- of space

Being An Adult (A Prerequisite to Emotional Intimacy)

• In a state of personal fear, uncertainty or danger, your partner is your first call or the person you turn to for comfort.

• Crying, showing frustration or anger in front of your partner is okay. You know he/she will not see you as weak, psychotic, crazy or out of control.

• You can speak about sex, secrets and your feelings without a fear of being betrayed, ridiculed, or compromised.

• No matter what happens, you know your partner loves you and will not abandon you during a state of crisis, ill health or financial difficulty.

• You show or tell each other often through words and actions that you love and respect each other.

• Past wrongs are not dredged up in arguments to get even with each other. The past is discussed, forgiven and left there.

Week 3: Strength- Increasing the bond and connection with each other- Keys to making a marriage last

Signs of Emotional Intimacy: How Are You Doing?I. Emotional Intimacy

Week 3: Strength- Increasing the bond and connection with each other- Keys to making a marriage last

Barriers that Effectively Block Emotional Intimacy:1) self-centeredness 2) pride – I am right and you are wrong3) intellectualizing4) mind-reading5) anger and insensitivity6) cutting off

I. Emotional Intimacy

Week 3: Strength- Increasing the bond and connection with each other- Keys to making a marriage last

7) judgment, putdowns and sarcasm8) blaming9) control10) lack of time11) fear12) "you" language13) infidelity and lying

I. Emotional Intimacy

Week 3: Strength- Increasing the bond and connection with each other- Keys to making a marriage last

Think of a close relationship in your life- a person who you feel safe with…

What made/makes it safe?

II. How to Grow In Emotional Intimacy

Week 3: Strength- Increasing the bond and connection with each other- Keys to making a marriage last

A. Increase Awareness & Comfort Level of Emotions

Feelings List:1. Mad2. Sad3. Glad4. Hurt5. Afraid6. Tender

Week 3: Strength- Increasing the bond and connection with each other- Keys to making a marriage last

Nature of Feelings:1. Not Good or Bad2. Warning Signs- Indicators3. Part of Us4. Important Part of Expression5. Allow us to Connect

Week 3: Strength- Increasing the bond and connection with each other- Keys to making a marriage last

Relational Skills of warmth, empathy, genuineness

Week 3: Strength- Increasing the bond and connection with each other- Keys to making a marriage lastB. Be the Safest Person on Earth to Your Spouse

Intimacy is Allowed to Grow in Safety:

• Warmth -John 4Caring, respect, sincere, non-smothering concern… regardless of the

person’s actions or attitudes• Genuineness not phony or superior, open, sincere… honesty without cruel

confrontation… (a soft answer turns away wrath), being congruent• EmpathySensitive and able to communicate understanding of the person’s

thoughts, feelings, values, beliefs, inner conflicts… to “feel with”, especially at the beginning is most helpful

Relational Skills of warmth, empathy, genuineness

Confidentiality

Listening beyond words

Seek understanding

Be motivated out of love

Protect boundaries

Be fully present

Week 3: Strength- Increasing the bond and connection with each other- Keys to making a marriage lastB. Be the Safest Person on Earth to Your Spouse

Intimacy is Allowed to Grow in Safety:

Shared Experiences

Vulnerability

Time

Care

Week 3: Strength- Increasing the bond and connection with each other- Keys to making a marriage last

Be “Jesus Safe” Intimacy is Spelled A-C-C-E-P-T-A-N-C-E

John 4

Men's Five Basic Needs are:1. Sexual Fulfillment 2. Recreational Companionship3. Attractive Spouse4. Domestic Support5. Admiration

Dr. Willard Harley, a Minnesota psychologist, surveyed the basic needs of men and women in marriage and found that the needs are completely different.

Week 3: Strength- Increasing the bond and connection with each other- Keys to making a marriage last

C. Know Your Spouse

Women's Five Basic Needs:1. Affection2. Conversation3. Honesty and openness.4. Financial Support5. Family commitment

Husbands think for a moment…Do you know her favorite:• Vacation Place• Movie• Restaurant• TV Show• Kind of Novel• Way of Relaxing• Way of Working/Doing Tasks• Way of celebrating something special• Way of Receiving Love and Giving Love?• Way of Being Approached for Sex?

Week 3: Strength- Increasing the bond and connection with each other- Keys to making a marriage last

C. Know Your Spouse – How Well You Doing?

Wives- Do You Know:• His Favorite Food/Restaurant• How He Has Fun• What Makes Him Feel Good About

Himself• How He Would Prefer to Spend Some

Extra Money• How He Handles Stress• How He Feels Respect From You• When He Needs Your Help• How He Would Prefer Your Love Life

Week 3: Strength- Increasing the bond and connection with each other- Keys to making a marriage lastC. Know Your Spouse – How Well You Doing?

Week 3: Strength- Increasing the bond and connection with each other- Keys to making a marriage last

D. Be Intentional… 1. Spend Time Together

Time = Love

Week 3: Strength- Increasing the bond and connection with each other- Keys to making a marriage last

D. Be Intentional… 2. Laugh Together & Play Together3. Be Transparent: Listen for Feelings

Behind Words- Speak Truth in Love4. Be Demonstrative- Risk- Hold Hands5. Encourage & Affirm Each Other- Be Soft6. Pray Together