love in retrospect

8/3/2019 Love in Retrospect

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Love in Retrospectby algamar latiph, saturday, may 07, 2011

(disclaimer:thisisafiction)

Remember that time? We were walking without practicallytalking. The sun snubbed us though hovered us were grayclouds. The weather empathized with my feelings. Theweather probably knew me better than you.

When I noticed that your hair was in a little in disarray,

I tried to brush it but you were unreceptive. To fashion yourhair was an unwelcome for you. You swayed my hand thatheld the brush and said: Dont do it. Then you continuedyour stride; I was left for a step behind.

I did not understand it, up to now. Why are you so likethat: rejecting my gesture of kindness, even that small care

was declined by sheer impulse.

I think it is not fair.

Good that a toilet was just nearby, I had an excuse todisappear and be alone from you even for a moment, to findmy solace.

Why would I run from you when youre the source ofmy joy. That was my question then.

This does not mean that I am not happy anymore beingwith you. You were impatience, and it had been recurrent for


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nearly a year. I felt your impatience when I was around, I feltit every moment. My favorite things to do, my cloth, mynatural expression, my favorite food and even my type of

music were root of your irritations.

But you know I am still glad that you were there besideme. We were breathing the same air while we were together. Ienjoyed you in every moment and it will be, I think, forever.

So there I went to the comfort room. There, I can bealone to sob, to shed tears, to cry. It was so sad to be in that

situation; and so sad that all these unhappiness emanatedfrom you. Sometimes I wonder if you ever loved me in thefirst place, and I had then a feeling that love was gone. Youwere not that same sweet person I knew.

Isnt it funny, that you should be the only person in theworld whom I could share my deep feelings, sorrow or

happiness. And now, I had to hide from you.

Such an irony.

It was hard to admit that I still look at you with love,your touch, your smile, even not for me, your voice, yourpresence made me happy.

Inside the restroom, you cannot see me weak, youcannot see me sad, you cannot see my tears rolling releasingthe unhappiness you handed to me. I do not want you to seethem. Hiding my real feelings inside a restroom wasunbearable.


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I knew that you would not understand, I knew that you,unlike that days weather, would not empathize. You will

show your cruelty; that I am so childish and silly person onbeing hurt with such a small stuff like making your hair morefashionable.

My friends would be surprised if they see me like this.They knew me to be a strong woman, very strong person.What they knew was I am loved and full of love.

Inside the toilet, I felt helpless. I felt abandoned.

When I had that courage to face you again, I left thecomfort room. Before I could get out, my mirror imageshowed how battered my face was. I was able to put powderand make up to hide my real face. I painted my face withmore make up.

Most if not all people I met, I am proud to say, that Ihad a sweet face, sweet attitude, sweet character, sweet loveand sweet words. You were the only person in this world whodo no know my sweet attributes. Were you blind?

What took you so long? Were your words withyour usual impatient tone. It was not a surprise on my part, Iknew you would say that. But I am thankful to myself forputting up a brave face to your face, I was able to still showmy beautiful face covered with make up.

You were capable of removing all my pains: the pains


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that you created.

Ignoring your hurtful words, I took your left hand by

my right hand, I pressed it softly. It made me happy, all thepains disappeared down from my soul. You had that magic toremove my emotional stress. See you still made me thehappiest woman in the world again.

But then you find a way to release my hand, I do notknow if this was intentional or a your new natural emotionalreflex.

Your first words were not followed by any wordthereafter. I was talking for minutes without rejoinder fromyou. You know I always try to make my time with you moreinteresting, more loving but you were seem so far away andnot in the moment.

You took the celfone from your pocket, I saw agenuine smile, laughter while your talking to the mouthpiece.I saw a real conversation, a real person of you. Then the realyou abruptly evaporated the moment the call ended. The yousaid, We have to go home.

So we walked to the carpark, there were no traces of

joy on both of our faces. Then a mutual friend of usappeared, you came to life and said Hi! to him and madeyour most genuine uncontrived smile. I envy him, you can dothat to him but no for me. Our friend saw my sad face, andhe saw how sad it is, I wish I was not able to hide that face.


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Then we continued walking, I became dead silent.We approached the car. Inside the car, the only noise was thespeakers of the radio. For an hour drive, I was the only person

who noticed that absence of togetherness between us. Wewere so close inside that car but I felt so apart, thousand milesaway.

I felt sleepily sad, so I slept; I saw your face stuck to the roadahead denying my presence. There was no glint of delightbetween us.

At home, you went straight to the TV; I went to the bed tocontinue my sad sleep. My day has ended. It ended withsadness.

Note: First written almost 3 years ago, good that Idiscovered it just today and was in the writing mood to finishit!

love in retrospect

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