1

PartOne:AMoreExcellentWay,page1PartTwo:LoveLikeJesusLoved,page9PartThree:DoYouKnowWhoYouAre?,page15PartFour:WhenYouAccuseYouLose,page21PartFive:GoodBoundariesPreventRelationSlips,page28PartSix:CrucialConversations,page37PartSeven:HelpingtheHurting,page45PartOne:AMoreExcellentWayByRemyDiederich

Outline:

1. Ourgreatestregretsandmostembarrassingmomentscomefromrelation-slips.2. Godcaresabouthowyoutreatpeople.Andhowyoutreatpeopleshowshowmuch

youcareaboutGod.3. Principle#1:Wecanpreventandovercomerelation-slipsbymakingrelationships

ourpriority.4. Nothingwedocanovercompensateforfailingtoloveothers.5. Principle#2:Wecanpreventandovercomerelation-slipsbyexpandingthescopeof

ourlove.

Message

WhenIthinkofmymostembarrassingmomentsandmybiggestregrets,moreoftenthannot theyhave something todowithmy relation-slips. Youknowwhat I’m talking about,right? A relation-slip is when you say something you shouldn’t have said that hurtssomeoneandhurtstherelationship.

2

Ormaybeyourrelation-slipwastoNOTsaysomethingthatNEEDEDtobesaid.Buteitherway,theendresultisadamagedorbrokenrelationship.

I don’t know if there is anything thing more painful or emotionally consuming than abrokenrelationship.Isn’tthatright?Whenyourrelationshipsareoutofwhacktheyweighyoudownlikeabackpackfullofbricks.Yourmindisconstantlydistractedasyouobsessabouthowtofixwhatyoubroke.

I’vemaderelation-slipswithLisa,withmykids,withmyfriends,atmyvarious jobs,andhereatchurch.Imean,I’veslippedmywaythroughlife…andI’mprettysureyouhavetoo!Iknow that because we are all human and that’s what we do. And because of that weexperienceallkindsofproblems.

Someofushave losta jobbecauseofour relationslips. Someofushave lostamarriage.We’ve lost friends and made enemies. We’ve been excluded, lost business, and missedopportunities.Andasaresult,someofushavejustplaingivenuponrelationshipsbecausewecan’tseemtofigureouthowtoprevent,orovercome,ourrelation-slips.

Thankfullythereissomeonethatcanhelpuswithourrelationships,andthat’sJesus.Jesusinteractedwithdifficultpeopleeverydayandhedid itwithwisdomandgrace.Heknewwhentoconfrontpeopleandheknewwhentowalkaway.AndsoJesusisgoingtoteachusaboutrelationshipsoverthenextsixweeks.TodayIwanttosharewithyouthefirsttwoprinciplesaboutrelationships.

Now,tobehonest,I’malwaysalittlesuspiciouswhenIseeachurchofferasermonseriesonrelationshipsandthat’sbecausesomechurches–notallchurches–butsomechurchesapproachthetopicofrelationshipsinalightweight,sugarcoatedway.WhatImeanis, it’smostly self-help principles that you could learn from watching Oprah Winfrey. There’snothingwrongwithOprah…IjustthinkJesushasalotmoretosaytousatamuchdeeperlevel.

Yousee,wedon’tneedtolearnhowtobenice.Isawat-shirtyesterdaythatquotedJesusassaying,“Benice”– Jesus. Idon’t thinkhesaidthat! Jesusdidn’tcometoteachustobenice. Besides, we already know how to be nice. We’re fromWisconsin! We want to godeeperthanjustnice.IwantustogettotheheartofwhatmakesforgoodrelationshipsandIbelieveJesusistheonlyonethatcangetusthere.

Idon’tknowifyou’veeverthoughtaboutthis,butprobably90%ofwhatitmeanstofollowJesushastodowithhowyoutreatotherpeople.Godcaresabouthowyoutreatpeople.Itmatterstohim.AndhowyoutreatpeopleshowshowmuchyoucareaboutGod.

But when most of us think about worshipping God we immediately think of doingsomething religious, like going to church, or reading the Bible, or praying. I mean,wheneverIaskpeopleaboutwheretheyareatspiritually,ninetimesoutoften,theydon’ttellmeabouthowtheytreatpeople.Theytellmeabouttheirchurchattendance.

3

Whydotheydothat?Becausewearereligiousbynature.OurdefaultforspiritualityistoDOsomethingreligious.ButJesusnevertoldanyonetogotochurch.HenevertoldanyonetoreadtheBible.Buthedidsaythis:

Thisismycommand:Loveeachother.John15:17

Morethanthathesaid:

Mycommandisthis:LoveeachotherasIhavelovedyou.John15:12

TolovelikeJesusloveisabitdaunting.Butitgetsharder.Jesussaid:

Youhaveheard that itwassaid, ‘Loveyourneighborandhateyourenemy.’But Itellyou,loveyourenemiesandprayforthosewhopersecuteyou,thatyoumaybechildrenofyourFatherinheaven.Matthew5:43-45

IthinkmanyofusWISHJesusjusttoldustogotochurchorreadourBible.Thatwouldbealoteasierthanlovingourenemies.Idon’tknowifyou’veeverletthisfullylandonyoubutJesusissayingthatourabilitytoloveourenemiesrevealsifweareGod’schildrenornot.He’s saying that lovingyour enemy is the litmus test for your faith.Unfortunately,manypeoplefailthistest.That’swhyChristiansareoftencalledhypocrites.

But…ifyouCANloveyourenemies…itshowsthatyou’vebeentouchedbyGod…thatyouareGod’schild.TheapostleJohnputitlikethis:

WeknowthatwehavediedtoouroldlifeandreceivedGod’snewlife…becauseweloveoneanother.Thosewhodonotlovearestilllivingintheiroldlife.1John3:14

OnedayamancametoJesusandaskedhimthisquestion:

“Teacher,whichisthegreatestcommandmentintheLaw?”

Jesusreplied:“ ‘Love theLordyourGodwithallyourheartandwithallyoursoulandwithallyourmind.’Thisisthefirstandgreatestcommandment.Andthesecondis like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’All the Law and the Prophets hang onthesetwocommandments.”Matthew22:36-40

JesusreducedtheentireBibletojusttwolaws:LoveGodandlovepeople.Brilliant!Sothefirstthingyouneedtounderstandaboutpreventingandovercomingrelation-slipsisthatrelationships(meaning:lovingothers)arethemostimportantthingwedoinlife.Andthereforeweneedtomakethemourpriority.

You see, to God…your relationships aren’t a lightweight concern. They’re heavy weight.Serious followersof Jesusworkatbeing relationalexpertsbecause theyunderstand thatwhenthey loveotherswell, theyreflect the lovethey’vereceivedfromGod.So,whenwe

4

loveothers,ittellsthebiggerstoryofhowGodlovesus.That’swhyourrelationshipsaresoimportant.

TheApostlePaulmadethissamepointinalettertoagroupofbelieversinGreece.Pauljustfinishedwritingaboutspiritualgifts,butthenhechangeddirectionsaying:

Noweagerlydesirethegreatergifts.AndyetIwillshowyouthemostexcellentway.1Corinthians12:29,30

The point he ismaking here is that spiritual gifts are important, but there is somethingevenmoreimportant.ThemostimportantthinginGod’seyesisn’tknowingandusingyourspiritualgifts.Themostimportantthingislovingpeople.Paulsaysit’sthemoreexcellentway:

IfIspeakwithhumaneloquenceandangelicecstasybutdon'tlove,I'mnothingbutanechoinggongoranobnoxiouslyloudcymbal.

IfIspeakGod'sWordwithpower,revealingallhismysteriesandmakingeverythingplainasday,andifIhavefaiththatsaystoamountain,"Jump,"anditjumps,butIdon'tlove,I'mnothing.

If I give everything I own to thepoor andevengo to the stake tobeburnedas amartyr,butIdon'tlove,I’vegainednothing.

So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt withoutlove...Letlovebeyourhighestgoal!1Corinthians13:1-3,14:1

Paul references a number of practices that often impress Christians. He says:Wemightmarvelatsomeone’sabilitytospeakaboutGod,ortheirspiritualexperiences.MaybeyouknowsomeonethatprayssowellinpublicortheycanquotetheBiblesoeasilyatjusttherighttime.Ormaybetheyhadsomekindofgoose-bumpmysticalexperiencethatyouenvy.

ThenPaultalksabouthowwemightbeawedbytheirabilitytotrustGodforgreatthings.Maybeyouhaveafriendwhohadarisk-it-allmomentwheretheyputtheircareerontheline,orarelationship,ormaybeeventheir lifeonthe line forGod.Their faith issobig itmakesyoursfeelinsignificant.

Oryoumightbeintimidatedbyhowgeneroussomeoneisortheirincredibleself-sacrifice.Theyseemtoalwaysbeserving,andgiving,andworkingforGod,whenit’sallyoucandotomakeittochurchonSunday.Youputthemuponapedestalandwishyoucouldbelikethem,right?

Paul says…waitaminute.Not so fast.Let’sput thisall inperspective.Allof theseactsoffaithareimpressiveIFtheyloveothers.Buttheymeannothingiftheydon’tlovepeople.

5

Coincidentlysomeonewrotemethisweekaboutafriendandsaid,MyfriendisareallygoodChristianbuttheyaresojudgmental.TheytellmethatI’mnotaverygoodChristianandthatIshouldn’tgotothechurchIgoto,orvotelikeIvote,orhangoutwithcertainfriends.Thismadeherdoubtherownfaith.

Iwrotebackandsaid,WhatmakesyouthinkyourfriendisareallygoodChristian?Whydoyouassumeshe isabetterChristianthanyou?Giveyourselfmorecredit!Godmeasuresourfaithbyourloveforpeople,notbyourabilitytojudgethem.

Paulusessomestrongwordstounderscorehispoint.Hestartsbysayingthatifhefailstolove, it’s offensive to God. He compares it to the incessant ringing of a gong or cymbal.Thinkaboutyouralarmclockgoingoffinthemorning.That’soffensive!

Thenhesaysthatwithoutloveheisnothing.Andfinallyhesaysthat,withoutlove,allhisactsoffaithdonothingforhim.Infact,hewouldbeleftspirituallybankrupt.

Onepersonputitlikethis:

GoddoesnotdemandofmethatIaccomplishgreatthings.Hedoesdemandofmethat I strive for excellence in my relationships Ted Engstrom, The Making of aChristianLeader

Sothepointhereisthatthereisnothingwecandotoovercompensateforfailingtolove.Weknow this is true, butwhydowehave such troublebelieving it? I think it’s becausewhenwearepresentedwithtwospiritualoptionswealwayschoosetheeasierpath.

For example, if I say something cruel tomywife or children on Sundaymorning, ratherthantakethetimetohumblemyself,admitI’mwrong,andasktheirforgiveness,it’saloteasiertojustsay,“It’stimeforchurch,let’sgo”andthenhopeeveryoneforgetsaboutmyrelationslipbythetimewegethome.

Imean,whocanfaultmeforgoingtochurch?That’ssuchaspiritualthingtodo.Itshowsthat I’m the spiritual leader in the home, right?But actually, Jesus can faultme. Look atwhathesaid:

…if you are presenting a sacrifice at the altar in the Temple and you suddenlyrememberthatsomeonehassomethingagainstyou,leaveyoursacrificethereatthealtar.Goandbereconciledtothatperson.ThencomeandofferyoursacrificetoGod.Matthew5:23,24

Jesus is telling us that restoring a broken relationship is more important than going tochurch.So,ifyouwanttopreventandovercomerelation-slips,thefirstprincipleistomakerelationshipsapriority.

6

Thesecondprincipleisthis:Wecanpreventandovercomerelation-slipsbyexpandingthescopeofourlove.Yousee,mostpeoplearewillingtotolerateadiscussiononloveaslongas they can control the scopeof their love:meaning, as longas they can lovewhomevertheywant to love. If youwant to feel successful atyour relationships it’s easiest tokeepyourcircleoffriendsverysmallandlookingalotlikeyou.

That’s what the religious people did back in Jesus’s day; the Jews understood that Godcalledthemtolove,becausetheBiblesaidthis:

Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against one of your people, but love yourneighborasyourself.Leviticus19:18

Butreligiouspeopleareexpertsatfindingloopholes,right?Yousee,theJewsdefinedtheir“neighbor”asotherJews–thatis–theyonlyhadtolovetheirJewishneighbors,butnooneelse.Thatmadethingsaloteasier.

ThatdefinitionbecamesowidelyacceptedthatiteventurnedupinacommentarythattheJewswroteontheOldTestament.Itsaid…

TheGentiles(non-Jews)…andthosewhoareshepherdsamongus[that is,other low-lifes]…weshouldnotcontrive theirdeath [that is, actively seek to kill them];but iftheyare indangerofdeath,wearenotboundtohelp them, forexample, if they fallintotheseayoudonotneedtorescuethem…MidrashonthebookofRuth,chapterfour.

Youdefinitelydidn’twanttogofishingwithoneoftheseguysandfalloutoftheboat!

This sounds funny,but the truth is,wealldo this.Weallhaveacircleofpeople thatwechoosetoloveandthenalonglistofreasonsjustifyingwhywedon’thavetoloveanyoneelse.

ButJesusredefinedwhatthewordneighbormeantwithafamousstory.Thisisthesetup:

…areligionscholarstoodupwithaquestiontotestJesus."Teacher,whatdoIneedtodotogeteternallife?"Heanswered,"What'swritteninGod'sLaw?Howdoyouinterpret it?"He said, "That you love the Lord yourGodwith all your heart, soul,strength and mind- and that you love your neighbor as well as you doyourself.""Goodanswer!"saidJesus."Doitandyou'll live."Lookingfora loophole,heasked,"Andjusthowwouldyoudefine 'neighbor'?"Jesusansweredbytellingastory.Luke10:25-30

Thisisthestory:

Aman…fellintothehandsofrobbers. Theystrippedhimofhisclothes,beathimandwentaway,leavinghimhalfdead.Luke10:30

7

Now Jesus tellsus about threedifferentmen.We’ve all heard jokes that start:A rabbi, apriest,andalawyerallwalkedintoabar.Well,it’skindoflikethat,onlyJesustalksaboutaPriest,aLeviteandaSamaritan.

Luckily, a priest was on his way down the same road, but when he saw him heangled across to the other side.Then a Levite religious man showed up; he alsoavoidedtheinjuredman."ASamaritantravelingtheroadcameonhim.Luke10:31-33

I’vegot tostophereandmakesureyoucatchthescandal/ironyhere.Samaritanswereaclassofpeoplethat the Jewshated.Theywerehalf-breeds:half JewishandhalfAssyrian.Plus,theydidn’tworshipGodthewaytheJewsdid.AndtheJewshatedthemforit.

SotohavetheJewishmenpassupthemanintheroadwhiletheSamaritanstoppedwasshockingandinsultingtotheJews.Let’skeepreadingandnotemyhighlights.Theyshowuswhatlovelookslike:

Whenhe saw theman's condition,hisheartwentouttohim.Hegavehimfirstaid,disinfectingandbandaginghiswounds.Thenheliftedhimontohisdonkey, ledhimtoaninn,andmadehimcomfortable.Inthemorninghetookouttwosilvercoinsandgavethemtotheinnkeeper,saying,'Takegoodcareofhim.Ifitcostsanymore,putitonmybill-I'llpayyouonmywayback.'

"Whatdoyouthink?Whichofthethreebecameaneighbortothemanattackedbyrobbers?""Theonewhotreatedhimkindly," thereligionscholarresponded. Jesussaid,"Goanddothesame."Luke10:33-37

TheSamaritanunderstooda fundamental spiritual truth:everyoneisourneighbor,whichmeanswearecalled to loveeveryone.Noone isoff limits.Noone isoutofbounds.Thatmeans the creepy uncle that disgusts you, or the politician that you love to hate, or theneighborthatirritatesyou,ortheMuslimrefugeethatyoudon’tthinkdeservestobehere,orthespouseorteenagerthathasletyoudownahundredtimes.

InanotherplaceJesussaid:

Ifyouloveonlythosewholoveyou,whatrewardisthereforthat?Evensinnersdothatmuch.Ifyouarekindonlytoyourfriends,howareyoudifferentfromanyoneelse?Evenpagansdothat.Matthew5:46,47

Yousee,whatprovesweareGod’schildrenisthatwelovetheunlovely.Welovethosewhoaredifferent:thosewhoareforgotten.Weevenloveourenemies.

8

Well,thosearemyfirsttwoprinciplesabouthowtopreventandovercomerelation-slips.

Now,Idon’tknowhowyoufeelaboutthisteaching.Itcanbeveryintimidating.ButIdon’twantyou leavinghere todayoverwhelmedanddiscouragedbecauseyoudon’t thinkyoucanloveyourenemieslikeyoushould.Thetruthis:noneofuscan.

ThegoodnewsisthatJesusneverasksustodosomethingwithoutgivingusthepowertodoit.IfJesuslivesinsideofyou,youcanlovelikeJesusloved.Youjustneedtolearnhowandthat’swhatwe’lldooverthecomingweeks.

Ifyou’veneveraskedJesustoliveinsideofyou,thentodaymightbethedaytodothat.IwantyoutoleaveheretodayknowingthatGodwillgiveyoueverythingyouneedtolovepeoplelikeJesuslovedpeople.God’sspiritinyoumakestheimpossible,possible.Sodon’tgiveuphope!

Nextweekwearegoingtotalkabouthowto lovelikeJesus loved.So, Ihopeyou’llcomebackandbringafriendwithyou.

Prayer:Jesus,likeIsaid:wearen’tlookingtojustbenice.Wewanttoloveotherslikeyoucalledustoloveotherssopeoplewillseethatyouarerealandthatyouhavethepowertochangeordinarysinfulpeoplelikeus.HelpustodrawonyourSpiritwithinustolovelikeyouloved,andforthoseofusthathaveneverinvitedyouintotheirlives,Ipraythattheywilldothatrightnowandthatyouwillshowupintheirlifeinabigway.Amen.

GoingDeeper:Usethefollowingquestionsforpersonalreflectionand/ortodiscusswithyourfamily,friendsorsmallgroup.

1. Wouldyouagreethatrelation-slipsarethesourceofyourgreatestregretsandmostembarrassingmoments?Caretosharesomeofyours?

2. Whatisitthatyougiveyourmostattentiontoinlife?Whyisthat?3. If lovingothers is secondonly to lovingGod,whydon’tweworkon relationships

more?What’syourexcuse?4. Read Isaiah 58. The people were fasting to hear from God.Why did God have a

problemwiththat?Whatdoesthishavetodowithrelation-slips?5. CanyouthinkofatimewhenyouchosetodosomethingreligiouswhenGodwanted

youtorepairarelationship?ReadMatthew5:23,24and1Corinthians13:1-3.6. Read Luke 10:29-37. To the Jews, Samaritanswere evil and unlovable. But Jesus

made the Samaritan a hero. Be honest, who are the people, or classes of people,whomarethe“Samaritan”inyourlife?

7. The Jews thought that only other Jews were their neighbor, and therefore, onlyresponsibletolovethem.Whatwillittakeforyoutobeabletolovethepeopleyoulistedin#5?

8. Noone can love like Jesus, except the Spirit of Jesus. Read 2 Corinthians 12:9,10.Howdoesthisapplytoyourlovingthepeopleyoulistedin#5?

9

Relationslips:PartTwoLoveLikeJesusLovedKyleGundersonOutline:

1. Principle #3: You prevent and overcome your relationSLIPS by loving like Jesusloved.

2. Jesuslovedothersbylayingdownhislife.3. YoulovelikeJesusby:

a. Beingpatient dieto:control,needtoberightb. Beingkind dieto:self-centerednessc. Livinghumbly dieto:prided. Notgettingugly dieto:disrespectforotherse. Nevergivingup dieto:self-preservation

Thisisweektwooflookingatrelation-slips.Relation-slipsarewhenyoudosomethingorsaysomethingthatdamagesarelationship.

Last week Pastor Remy opened this series by sharing two relationship principles: one,relationships should be our top priority. And two, we need to love everyone, even ourenemies.Easier said thandone!Those first2principleswerea truechallenge tome thisweek.

Relationshipsareoneofthehardestthingswedo.Therearesomanyemotionstonavigateitcanfeel impossible: likewalkingthroughaminefield:onefalsestepandyou’rehistory.Thatkindofstressisnowaytolive!

Relationslipscanhappeninanyrelationship:inmarriage,atwork,onateam,inclass.Theycanevenhappen in restaurants.Youknow,whenyouask forone toomanyrefills,oranextranapkinandtheservergetsalittlebentoutofshape?MaybeIdidn’taskattherighttimeorintherightway,andIspendtherestofthemealtryingtoavoideyecontact,andhopingmyserverdidn’taddanythingextratomyfoodinthekitchen.

SohowdowepreventandovercomeourrelationSLIPS?

Jesusgaveusacluewhenhesaid:LoveoneanotherASIHAVELOVEDYOU.

Thatbringsustoprinciple#3forourseries:preventingandovercomingRelationslipsisonlypossiblewhenwelovelikeJesusloved.

10

Personally,IalreadyknowthatlovingpeoplelikeKylecanlovehasfailed…miserably!Yousee,lovinginmyownpowerisnotenough.Thatcanonlytakemesofar.Butit’sgotalimit.

Lovinglikewehaveinthepastsimplydoesn’twork.So,thismorningwearegoingtolookat learning to loveas Jesus loved.Whatdoes that look likeandhowdowedo that? TheBibleactuallyanswersthisquestiondirectly.OneofJesus’followerssaid:

“This ishowweknowwhat love is, JesusChrist laiddownhis life forus.AndweoughttolaydownourlivesforourBrotherandSisters.”1John3:16

Johndidn’tjustmakethisup.HegotthisfromJesuswhenhesaid:

…nogreaterlovedoesamanhavethanthis,thathelaydownhislifeforhisbrother.John15:13

So there’s the key to loving like Jesus: laying down your life. Sometimes we talk about“dying to ourselves.” But loving like Jesus lovedmeans putting others first at your ownexpense.

You see, true loves involves a death. The apostle Paul understood this. Every believershouldhavethisversememorized:

…whenwewerejoinedwithChristJesusinbaptism,wejoinedhiminhisdeath.ForwediedandwereburiedwithChristbybaptism.AndjustasChristwasraisedfromthe dead by the glorious power of the Father, now we also may live newlives.Romans6:3,4

Baptismspeakstowhenwecametofaith.Paulsaidthatwhenwecametofaith,oursinfulnaturedied.ItwasputtodeathonthecrossofJesus.Andnowwe’vebeenresurrectedwithJesus to live a new life. Our old life was powered by our sinful nature. Our new life ispoweredbytheSpiritofGod.

Ifyouwanttopreventandovercomeyourrelationslips,thisiskey.Thisiscentral.Meditateon this.Memorize it. Imagine your sinful nature dying and being buried and a new youlivingwiththeloveofJesus!

LastweekRemy tookus through threeversesofPaul’s letter to theCorinthian church. Iwant to pick up where he left off because Paul goes on to give us some very practicalexamplesofwhatitlooksliketolovelikeJesus.

“Loveispatient,loveiskind.Itdoesnotenvy,itdoesnotboast,itisnotproud.5Itdoesnotdishonorothers,itisnotself-seeking,itisnoteasilyangered,itkeepsnorecordofwrongs.6Lovedoesnotdelightinevilbutrejoiceswiththetruth.7Italwaysprotects,alwaystrusts,alwayshopes,alwaysperseveres.”1Corinthians13:4-6

11

1) ThefirstwayPaultellsustolovelikeJesusistoBePatient.

Tobepatientliterallymeans:slowtoanger.Sotobepatientmeanstowaitwithoutgettingangry: to bewilling to let somethingdevelop in it’s own timeframewithout forcing it tocomplywithyourtimeframe.Thepatientpersonisatpeaceastheywait.

Maybeyouarethinking,Idon’thavetimetobepatient.Ihaveplans.Iwanttobeontime,Ihave ameetingwith an important client, I have a calendar to keep, I have a lot to do, Isimplycantwait.Icantstandinlinelikeeveryoneelse.Ihavetofindashorterline.Andsoyouarerudetopeople.Youcriticizethemfornotbeinglikeyou.That’sarelationslip!

ButPaulsaysthatloveispatient.Sowhatisitthatneedstodieinyoutomakethishappen?WhatdoyouneedtolaydowninordertolovelikeJesusloved?

Maybeit’syourneedtobeincontrol.Oryourneedtoberight.Youthinkthatiftheworldwould just comply toyour timetable andyourwayof thinking that itwouldbe somuchbetter!

Butinsteadofinsistingonyourway,maybeyoucancometoJesusinprayerandsay,“Jesus,Iwanttoputmyneedforcontrolandmyneedtoberightonyourcross.Helpmetolivealifeofpatienceandrespectpeople.”

ThepatientpersontrustsGod’stiming.TheytrustthatGodisincontrolandtheycanrestinthat.

2) ThesecondwaytolovelikeJesusistoBeKind.PaulsaidLoveisKind!

Weoftenthinkof“kindness”asjustbeingnice.That’sapartofit.ButMosesreferredtoGodaskind,solet’slookhowheusestheword:

TheLORD,theLORDGOD,aGodoftendernessandcompassion,slowtoanger,richinkindness, and abounding in faithfulness. For the thousandth generation, the LORDmaintains his kindness, forgiving all our faults, transgressions, and sins.--Exodus34:6-7

Youcangetafeelforwhatkindnessmeansbylookingatsomeofthewordshere:tender,compassionate,slowtoanger,forgiving,faithful.

To be “tender and compassionate” means to be sensitive and considerate of someone’ssituation.Anotherwordheremightbe“empathy.”Empathymeansyouputyourselfintheshoesoftheotherperson.Youunderstandandappreciatewhattheyaregoingthrough.

I likethat itsaysthatGodis“rich” inkindness.AndthenitsaysthatGod“maintains”hiskindness.ThatmeansGodneverrunsoutofkindness.Hedoesn’tgettiredofusandfinallylosehistemper.Then, lookwhatfollowsfromkindness: forgiveness.Kindnessrejectstheneedforpaybackortoproveyourselfright.

12

Sothewordkindnessismuchmorethanbeingnice.Itsoundssosimple,buttruekindnessdoesn’t happen unless something dies inside of us. What is that? I think it’s our self-centeredness.KindnesshastodowithbeingOTHER-centered,thatis,fullyawareoftheirneeds.Youcan’tbeother-centeredunlessyoudietoyourself-centeredness.

Kindnessissomethingthatisexpressedinconsistentlydoingthelittlethingsforothers.Inmarriagekindnessmeanssettingasideyouragendatowashthedishes,takeoutthetrash,makethebed,prepareameal,orvacuumthehouse(Getthis)evenwhenitisnotyourturn.

Asaparentkindnessmeansstayingupallnightwithsickkidswhenyou’drathersleep,ortakinglongdrivestowatchtheireventwhenyou’dratherworkonyourhouseproject,andhelpingwithhomeworkwhenyouratherwatchashowonTV.

Kindness in a relationship can heal the deepest hurts, and strengthen the weakestrelationships.

3) ThethirdwaywelovelikeJesusisbylivinghumbly.

1Corinthians13:4endswiththesewords,“Lovedoesnot,envy,itdoesnotboast,itisnotproud.”

Prideisamajorsourceofrelationslips.LastyearpastorRemytalkedaboutpride.Hesaidthatpridecausesusto“climbaladder”inarelationship.Rememberthat?Pridecausesustoputourselvesaboveanotherperson.Weseparateourselves.That’sneveragoodthing.Pridesays,“I’mnotlikeyou.I’mbetterthanyou.”

Buthumility says, “Weare all the same.”Humility says, “We’re togetheron this.We’re ateam.Wewillworkonthistogether.”

Paultellsus:

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others aboveyourselves,not lookingtoyourown interestsbuteachofyouto the interestsof theothers.”Philippians2:4

PaulsaysthatifwewanttolovelikeJesusloved,weshouldputotherpeopleontheladderaboveus!

So,whatneedstodiehere?It’sourpride.It’swhateveritisinsideofusthatneedstoclimbtheladderandputourselvesoverothers.LovinglikeJesusisputtingyourprideandegoonthecrossandtellingthosethatweareinrelationshipwith:

“NOMATTERWHATHAPPENS,IWILLALWAYSLOVEYOU.”

13

Seriously,ifyouareinthemidstofarelationshipthatisstruggling,amarriagethatseemstobenear itsend,a friendshipthathasbeenstrainedfordecades,a familystrugglewithyears of estrangement from your parents, siblings, or extended family. Think of thedifferenceitwouldmakeifyouputtodeathyourpride,walkeddowntheladderandpickedupthephoneandsimplysaid:“NOMATTERWHATHAPPENS,IWILLALWAYSLOVEYOU.”

4) ThefourthwaytolovelikeJesusistonotgetugly.

Paultellsisin1Corinthians13,lovedoesnotactunbecomingly…

Thatmeansugly. ThenPaullistsanumberofwayswegetugly:itdoesnotseekitsown,isnotprovoked, it does nottakeintoaccountawrong suffered,doesnotrejoiceinunrighteousness,

First,hesaysweshouldn’tseekourown.Thewordfor“seek”heremeans“tocrave.”Thatmeans todemandyourway.Youdon’t careaboutwhat’sgood for theotherperson.Youjustwantwhatyouwantandyouwantitnow.Wecangetlikethisinourlowestmoments,can’twe?IknowIcan.Weweldourpowerbecausewethinkit’sourright.We’vereachedtheendofourropeandsuddenlylifeisallaboutus.It’snotpretty.

Paulsaysanotherwaywegetuglyiswhenweareprovoked.Thatmeansweletpeoplegetunderourskin.Weloseourpatience.We’vehadenoughandwejustletitrip.Wedon’tcarewhatwesayorhowwesayit.That’sugly.

Thenheaddsanotherwaywegetugly,welovetocatchsomeonedoingsomethingwrong.Hecallsitrejoicinginunrighteousness.It’ssosatisfyingtosay,“Yasee,youdiditagain.Iknewyou’ddothat.Youalwaysdothat.That’sjustwhoyouare.I’msosickofit.”

Noneofusliketoadmittothesethings,dowe?Sowhatneedstodietohere?Ithinkwhatmakesthesebehaviorssouglyisthattheyshowatotaldisregardanddisrespectforpeople.TheverypeoplethatGodcreatedandsentJesustodiefor,wethinkwecantreatlikedirt.Thatneedstodieinussowecanshowpeoplethehonortheydeserve.

5) ThefinalwaytolovelikeJesushereisto-NeverGiveUp.

1 Corinthians 13:7, “Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, alwaysperseveres.”

Inamarriage-counselingclassItookafewyearsback,PrepareandEnrich,theystated,thesimplestwaytoensurethatyourmarriageneverheadstowarddivorce, is toremovethewordsdivorceandseparationfromyourvocabulary.

Itseemsa little tooeasy,but imagine ifat thebeginningevery fight,everydisagreement,every time you were tempted to tell your spouse that you wanted to quit: you insteadfought for theprotectionof your relationship, fought for the trust betweenyou to grow,foughtforthehopeofthefuture,andfoughttopreserveyourrelationshipatallcosts.

14

Howdo you think thiswould change the relationship? I believe itwouldhave a drasticimpactonourinteractionsandourrelationships.

Whatneeds todiehere?Ourneed forself-preservation.That’swhatquitting isallabout,isn’tit?Wethinkifwekeepgoingwe’llloseitall.Butit’sjusttheopposite.Ifyouloseitall,thatisdietoyourdesires,that’swhenGodcancomeintoyourlifeandgiveyouthepowertolovelikeJesusloved.

After the lastsupper,on Jesus finalnight, Jesusspent timewithHisdisciples. JustbeforeJesuswasarrested,hestoppedtopray,hestoppedtotalktoGod.WhenhetalkedtoGodhewas tempted to giveup, hewas tempted to say IQUIT, this is just toomuch. InsteadJesusdecidedtonevergiveuponus,Hefoughtforusandourrelationships.

InLuke22:42wehearJesuswords,“Father, ifyouarewilling,takethiscupfromme;yetnotmywill,butyoursbedone.”

Thesearethewordsofalovethatperseveresallthings.Jesusknowingwhatlayaheadofhimchosetoshowhislovethroughthegreatestsacrifice,hetrulyputhisloveonthecrossforyouand forme.Loving like Jesus isovercoming theRelationslips againandagain to,alwaysprotect,alwaystrust,alwayshope,andalwayspersevere.

Simplyput,ifatthehardestmomentofyourrelationshipyourefusedtogiveup,youwouldbelovinglikeJesusloves.

WhatIwantustoseeheretoday is thatthedeathandresurrectionstory isn’t just Jesus’story.It’sourstory.IfwewanttopreventandovercomeourrelationSLIPS,itdoesn’tmeanwetrytobenice.Itdoesn’tmeanwedigdeepanddoourbest.Itmeanswedietoourselves,notjustoursinbutourstrengths,andasktheSpiritofGodinustogiveustheloveweneed.That’swhatdistinguishesusasGod’schildren.

Itmight seemhardat first. I get that.As I prepared for this sermon Iwasoverwhelmedwiththechanges itwouldtakeformeto liveuptotheexamplethat Jesusset forus.Butovertime,thedeath/resurrectionprocessbecomessecondnature.

It’slikerunningforme.FiveyearsagoIsworeI’dneverbearunner.Ihatedrunning.ButthenIdecidedIneededtogetinshape,soIranalittle.Andyes,Ihatedit.ButIkeptatit.AndthenIstartedlosingweight.Andthenitgoteasier.ThemoreweightIlostthemoreIlikedrunning.AndnowIrun25milesaweekandIloveit.

So,mypoint is:youcando this!Onyourownthesechangesaren’tpossible. Inourownpowertryingtobe:patient,kind,notproud,notselfish,andtonevergiveup,isimpossible.But this type of love is possible if you are willing to die to yourself and access theresurrectionpowerofJesus.That’showyoucanstarttolovelikeJesusloved.

15

Prayer-GodIpraythatyougiveeachofus thecourageto loveasyou loved, JesusmayIfollowyourexamplemoreandmoreeachday..GodAsIseektomovefromRelationsliptoRelationship,mayIdeveloptheabilitytoseemyoldselfonthecrossandloveothersinthesamewaywiththepowerofanewlife. Godgivemestrengthandcouragetoloveasyouloved.

PartThree:DoYouKnowWhoYouAre?ByRemyDiederich

Outline:

1. Mostrelationslipsresultfromfeelinginsecure.2. Threecommonself-protectionrelationslips:

a. Movetoward(please)b. Moveagainst(punish)c. Moveaway(pullback)

3. Jesusdidnothavetoprotecthimselfbecauseheknewhisidentity(John13:3):a. Heknewhisauthorityb. Heknewhissourcec. Heknewhisdestiny

4. Principle#4:Youpreventandovercomerelationslipswhenyouknowyouridentity.5. Youarefreetoloveotherswhenyourememberwhoyouare:

a. CreatedbyGod(Psalm139:13,14)b. LovedbyGod(John3:16)c. Accepted by God (John 15:15, Matthew 9:13, Ephesians 1:6, Romans 14:3,

15:7,Romans8:38,39)d. ForgivenbyGod(Psalm103:12,2Corinthians5:19)e. ApprovedbyGod(Romans3:21,22)f. EmpoweredbyGod(Ephesians1:13,14)

Message:

Thisisweekthreeinourseries:PreventingandOvercomingRelation-SLIPS.Ifyouarenewheretoday,relationSLIPSarethosestupidthingswedothathurtpeopleanddamageourrelationships.BeingValentine’sDay,someofyouaregoingtowanttotakenotes! I thinkwhatI’vegottosaymighthelpyouout.

Youknow,talkingaboutrelationships is interestingbecausenotworelationshipsarethesame.Thereare lotsofexceptions toeveryrule thatyou try to laydown.Butbecauseof

16

that, I’mafraidthatsomepeoplethinktheirsituation issouniquethatnothingwemightsayhereappliestothem.It’sjustforotherpeople.

Forexample, lastweekPastorKylegaveusRelationshipPrinciple#3:weneedtolovelikeJesusloved.HesaidthatifwewanttolovelikeJesuslovedweneedtolaydownourlivesforthesakeofothers.Thatmakessense.Youcan’targuewiththat.It’sverybiblical,butweareoftenquicktothinkoftheexceptions,aren’twe?

Yousee, someofusareafraid that ifwe laydownour lives thatwe’llbevulnerableandpeoplewilltakeadvantageofus.Wedon’twantpeoplehavingpoweroverus,sowerejecttheideaoflovinglikeJesus.That’saniceteaching…forOTHERpeople,butnotus.ForUS,it’stoorisky.Weneedtokeepourguardup.

SowehearsermonsaboutlovinglikeJesusloved,andnodourheads,butthenwegorightback to lovingpeople inouroldways: limitedandguarded.Whydowedo that?Why istheresuchadisconnectbetweenwhatJesustaughtustodoandwhatweactuallydo?

Well,thereareafewreasonsforthisandIwanttotalkaboutoneofthemtoday:IthinkwehavetroublelovinglikeJesuslovedbecauseweareinsecure.Wearewaymoreawareoftheweaknesses insideofus thanweareofGod’s spirit insideofus. We let our insecuritiesdriveusinsteadoftheSpiritofGod.

Rather than letting God love people through us, we spend our energy covering up ourweaknesses.And this continual coverup leads to all kinds of relation-slips. You see, ourinsecuritiescauseustohurtpeople,notlovethem.Ortoputitanotherway:relationSLIPSarerootedininsecurity.

Letmegiveyousomeexamples.Onepsychologist(KarenHorney)mentionsthreerelation-slipsweusetotrytocoverupourinsecurity.Seeifanyofthesesoundfamiliar:

ThefirstwaywetrytocoverupourinsecurityisbyMovingTowardpeople.Thatmeansyoutrytopleasepeoplesotheylikeyou.Youworkovertimetokeeppeoplehappysotheydon’t see your weaknesses. You have trouble saying “no” and think your willingness topleaseothersislovewhen,infact,it’sself-protection.

The second way we try to cover up our insecurity is byMoving Against people. Thatmeanswhenyou feel threatenedoryourweaknessesareabout tobeexposed, theclawscomeout. Youpunish people for daring to question or criticize you. You train people towalkoneggshellsaroundyousotheywon’tgetcloseenoughtoseeyourflaws.

ThethirdwaywetrytocoverupourinsecurityisbyMovingAwayfrompeople.Youmoveawaybyshuttingdownemotionallyorwithdrawingphysically.Youpullbackand isolatefrompeoplesotheydon’tseehowinsecureyoureallyare.

So,yourinsecuritiescauseyoutoplease,punish,orpullback.Now,thesetacticsmighthelpcoveryourinsecurity,buttheydon’tsolveyourinsecurity.Theycertainlydon’thelpyouto

17

love like Jesus loved. In fact, they push people away. And so, even though you consideryourself a follower of Jesus, your life is filled with relationslips just like everyone else.That’stoobad,isn’tit?

If insecurity is keepingus from loving like Jesus loved,what canwedo about it?This iswhereIthinkJesushassomethingtoteachus.

IwanttotakeyoutothebookofJohnintheBibletowhatwecalltheLastSupper.Jesusisat the end of hisministry. The disciples are under the impression that Jesus is about tobecomeking,butJesusknowsbetter:

ItwasjustbeforethePassoverFestival.Jesusknewthatthehourhadcomeforhim to leave thisworldandgo to theFather… Itwas time for supper, and thedevilhadalreadypromptedJudas…tobetrayJesus.John13:1,2

JudaswasabouttobetrayJesus,andJesusknewit.Butit’snotjustJudasworkingagainstJesus.It’sthedevilhimself.Thinkaboutthat.Whatwouldyoudoifyouwereabouttobebetrayedbyafriendandyouknewthedevilwasbehinditall?Talkaboutfeelinginsecure!

IbetalotofuswoulddooneofthethreethingsImentioned.YoumighttrytopleaseJudas,makehimhappy.“I’msorryJudas.DidIdoanythingtooffendyou?WhatcanIdotomakeyouhappy?”Oryoumightmoveagainsthim,getaggressive.Threatenhim.Startaslandercampaignagainsthim.Getthedisciplestoroughhimup.

Oryoumightmoveaway.Yougointolockdown:full-scaleprotectionmode.YouunfriendhimonFacebook.Youblockhisemailsandphonecallsandjustdropoutofsight.Youquitgoingtochurchoranyplaceelseyoumightseehim.Yousee,whenallyou’vegottorelyonisYOU,youhavetoresorttoallkindsoftacticstoprotectyourself.

IsthatwhatJesusdid?No,justtheopposite.Infact,hisresponsewasprettystriking.

JesusknewthattheFatherhadgivenhimauthorityovereverythingandthathehadcomefromGodandwouldreturntoGod.Sohegotupfromthetable,tookoffhisrobe,wrappeda towelaroundhiswaist,andpouredwater intoabasin.Then he began towash the disciples’ feet, drying themwith the towel he hadaroundhim.John13:3-5

Jesusdidn’tfreakout.Hedidn’tpowerup.Andhedidn’trunaway.Hewashedhisdisciplesfeet,includingJudas.You’vegottobeprettysecuretodothat.

HowcouldJesusmakehimselfthatvulnerableknowingthathehadatraitorsittingathistable? This is something we need to know about because people will let us down anddisappointus,evenbetrayus,andweneedtoknowhowtorespond.Thekeyisinverse3.Jesusknewthreethings:

18

First, he knew his authority. It says, “the Father had given him authority overeverything.” Inotherwords,Jesusknewthathewasaboveallthings.Nothingwasoutofhiscontrol.Noonecouldhurthimunlessheallowedittohappen.

Second, Jesus knew his source, that is,where he came from. Jesus knew that, “he hadcomefromGod.”Godwashisfather.WhenGodisyourfather,you’vegotnothingtofear.He’sgotyourback.

Andthird,Jesusknewhisdestiny,wherehewasgoing.Heknewthathe“wouldreturntoGod.”Heknewtheendofthestory.Yes,Jesusknewthattherewasacrossinhisfuture…but he also knew that ultimately he’d be back in heaven with his father havingaccomplished hismission. Jesus knewhewas going to be the hero of this story, not thevictim.

NothingonearthcouldrobJesusofthesethreethings.Heknewwhohewas.Heknewhisidentity.Therewasn’ta shredof insecurity inhimsohedidn’thaveanything to fear.Hehadnoneedtoprotecthimselfsohecouldlaydownhislifeforothers.

That’swhyafterhefinishedwashingeveryone’sfeethereleasedJudastogodohisdeed:SpeakingofJudas,itsays:

Satanenteredintohim.ThenJesustoldhim,“Hurryanddowhatyou’regoingtodo.”John13:21-27

That’sconfidence.JesusknewthatSatanhadenteredJudasandJudaswouldbetrayhim,butJesuslethimgoanyway.Jesusdidn’tyellathimandtrytolayaguilttriponhim.Hedidn’tsay,“Ican’tbelieveyouaredoingthis.I’msodisappointedinyou!”Hedidn’tbegandpleadwithJudastonotbetrayhim.Andhedidn’tthreatenhim.Hejustlethimgo.

Jesuswassosecure inwhomhewas thathecould treatpeople,evenhisbetrayers,withdignity. He never showed Judas any contempt. Do you knowwhat that is? Contempt iswhenyoushowdisgustforsomeone,likeit’sbeneathyourdignitytobeinthesameroomwiththemandyoumakesuretheyknowit.Thenumberonepredictorofdivorceiswhenacoupletreatseachotherwithcontempt.ButJesusneverwenttherewithJudas.Hejustsaid,“Godowhatyouneedtodo.”

SomeofusmightlookatJesusandsay,Icouldneverdothat.HecandothatbecausehewasGod.But I couldneverdo that. (This iswhat Iwas talking about before.We are quick toexcuseourselves.)No, that’swhereyouarewrong.Youcan.GodgaveushisSpiritsowecan do exactly what Jesus did. But you have to deal with your insecurity. You have tounderstandwhoyouare.

WhenyouputyourfaithinJesus,youopenyourselfuptolivethesamelifethatJesuslived.

YoutakeonhisidentityasGod’schild.

19

The Spirit we received does not make us slaves again to fear; it makes uschildrenofGod.WiththatSpiritwecryout,“Father.”AndtheSpirithimselfjoinswithour spirits to sayweareGod’s children. IfweareGod’s children,wewillreceiveblessingsfromGodtogetherwithChrist.Romans8:15-17

So,howdoesthatlookinarelationship?Howdoesthatlookinreallifewithafriend,oraspouse,orachild,orparent?Itmeansthatwhenyourweaknessesareexposedyoudon’thavetopleasepeople,orpunishthem,orpullback.Forexample,whensomeonepointsoutyour flaws, theclawsdon’thave tocomeout.Youdon’thave togetdefensiveandattackthem,orapologizeallovertheplacetotrytomakethemhappy,orwalkaway.Youcanbecalmandconstructiveandjustlisten.

Youmightsay,“ButRemy,youhavenoideahowunreasonablethispersonis.Ihavetofightback.”No,youdon’t.Iftheyareunreasonable,that’stheirissue.Ifyoureacttothem,thenitgetstwiceascrazy.Youdon’thavetogetsuckedintothat.Youcanjustthankthemfortheirinputandtell themyouwill takeit intoconsideration.Youaren’tobligatedtoarguewiththem.

Isthatimpossible?Ithinkitis.Youjustneedtogetanewperspective.Theonlyreasonyoufeeltheneedtoplease,punishorpullbackisyourinsecurity.

Insecurepeopleoperateoutofa scarcitymindset.Ascarcitymindsetbelievesanegativestory.Itsays:

“I’veonlygotsomuchtogiveandwhenit’sgone,I’ddone.SoIhavetodowhateverittakestoprotectwhatlittleIhave.”

ScarcityjustifiesrelationSLIPSbecauseyouthinkyouhavetodefendyourself.

But if you know Jesus, you can operate out of an abundance mindset. An abundancemindsettellsadifferentstory…apositivestory.Itsays:

“I’mcompleteinChrist.Noonecantakeanythingfromme.

Idon’thavetofearanybodybecauseGodvaluesme,evenifothersdon’t.

IcantreatpeoplewithdignitybecauseIdon’tneedtoprotectmyself.”

Being complete inChrist is your identity. This iswhat leads to our fourthprinciple:Youpreventandovercomerelationslipswhenyouknowyouridentity.

Now,beforeIfinishhereIwanttoleaveyouwithanassignment.I’vegotsixtruthstohelpyouunderstandyouridentity.Itookthesefrommybook,HealingtheHurtsofYourPast.Icouldpreachasermononeachtruth,butwedon’thavetimeforthat.SoI’mgoingtobrieflymentionthemandthenIwantyoutogohomeandlookuptheBibleversesthatIlistedfor

20

youinthenotes.Okay?WeallneedtoknowthesesixtruthsifwewanttolovelikeJesusloved.

First,youarecreatedbyGod.TheBiblesaysthatyouandIarefearfullyandwonderfullymade.SoifGodmadeyouthenyouhaveinfiniteworth.Nothingyoudoornothingthatisdonetoyoucantakethatawayfromyou.

Second,youarelovedbyGod.Godloveswhathecreates.Hecan’tNOTloveyoubecauseyoucamefromGodandthatmeansyouareapartofhim.Godmaynotlovewhatyoudobutheloveswhoyouare.

Third, you are accepted by God.ThatmeansGodwelcomesyouunconditionally. Jesussaidthatwearenolongerconsideredservantsbuthisfriends.Otherpeoplemayrejectyou,butGodalwaysacceptsyou,nomatterwhatyou’vedone.

Fourth, you are forgiven by God. Nothing you’ve done is greater than God’s ability toforgiveyou.GodsentJesustodieforyoursinsbecausehedidn’twantanythingholdingyoubackfrombeingwhomhecreatedyoutobe.

Fifth,youareapprovedbyGod.Thatmeansyouaren’tjustforgiven,butGodseesyouasperfect.GodseesnodifferencebetweenJesusandyouIFyouhaveputyourfaithinhim.

Finally,youareempoweredbyGod.TheSpiritofGodlivesinsideofyoutoempoweryoutodoeverythingGodhascalledyoutodo.

Ifyouareconvincedofthesesixthings,yourinsecuritieswilldissolve.Ifyouareconvincedofthesesixthings,youwon’tfeeltheneedtopleasepeople,orpunishthem,orpullback.You’llbefreetolovelikeJesusloved.

Ihopeyou’lldoyourassignment,andwhileyou’reat it,whynotworkthroughtheGoingDeeperquestionsonthebackofthenotes?

Prayer:Jesus,Thankyouforyourexample.Helpustolearnhowtoliveoutofanabundantmindsetandnotoneofscarcity.HelpustofindouridentityinyousowecanlovelikeJesusloved.Amen.

GoingDeeper:usethefollowingquestionsforpersonalreflectionand/ortodiscusswithfamily,friends,andsmallgroup.

1. Doyouagreethatmostrelationslipscomefromfeelinginsecure?Why?2. Remygave threeexamplesofhowwe try toprotectourselves.Whatare they?

Giveanexampleofeach.3. Read John13:1-5,21-30. Imagine youwere Jesus at theLast Supper andknew

thatJudaswouldbetrayyou.Howwouldyoutypicallyrespond?Whyisthat?4. What were the three things that Jesus knew about himself that gave him his

identity?IsyouridentitythesameasJesus’?Whyorwhynot?

21

5. WhatwerethesixwordsRemywantsyoutorememberaboutyouridentity?6. Whichofthewordsaredifficultforyoutobelieve?Whyisthat?7. LookupeachscripturethatRemylistedinthenotes.Howwouldbelievingthese

truthschangeyourlife?8. How would your relationships be different if you had a better grasp of your

identityinChrist?

RelationSLIPS-PartFourStenCarlsonTexts:Matthew7:3-5;John8:1-11Outline:

1. Thesubtle,intangibleroadblockinourrelationshipsiscausedby_________________.2. RelationSLIPPrinciple:Whenyouaccuse,_____________lose.3. PreventingandOvercomingRelationSLIPS:

• __________________hypocrisy.• Choose____________________.

Thisseriesisdesignedtohelpuspreventandovercomestheslipsandbreakdownsinourrelationships.Andletmejustsayupfrontthattoday’smessagemaybeachallengingone,but I’m excited about it because I think it think this could be pivotal in some of therelationshipsthataremostimportanttous.Whatyoudecidetodaycouldbethedecisionthatchangedthecourseofoneofthosesignificantrelationships.SoIhopewe’reallupforthechallenge.Icameacrossastorythisweekthat,unfortunately,isprobablyalltoofamiliarformanyus.It’sthestoryofawomenintheairportwhosatdownathergatetowaitforherplanewithagoodbookinhandandabagofcookiesthatsheboughtattheairportstoreinterminalB.Shehardlynoticedwhenamanhadsatdownjusttwoseatsawayfromherandbegantoreadhisnewspaper. After justaminuteorso,shenoticedthebagofcookiesontheseatbetweenthem.Shepulleditalittlecloser,openeditupandtookoutacookie.In the next moment, this man she hardly noticed before, she now very much noticedbecausehe leanedover,reachedhishand intothebagandhelpedhimself toacookie. A

22

littlesurgeofoutragepulsedthroughthewoman’sbody,butnotwantingtocreateascene,thewomensaidnothing.Forthenextfewminutes,shewouldeatacookie,thenhewouldeata cookie. Her indignation increasedwitheachcookieheate. Shewasbesideherselfwith anger thatwasboiling insideher as this continueduntil therewasonlyone cookiewasleftinthebag.Shewatchedasthismanreachedin,pulledoutthelastcookie,brokeitin two, and smiled as he gave her half. “Of all the nerve!!” the woman thought. “It’samazinghowsomepeoplewillact,”shesaidtoherselfintotaldisgust,notknowingwhattodo.Just then, theannouncementcameon thespeakeroverhead that the flightwasboarding.Without acknowledging her, the man got up and headed toward the plane. Still prettyheated--prettybotheredbythiswholeepisode,thewomangrabbedherhandbag,openedit to put her book away, and inside she sawher bag of cookies tucked away in the sidepocket!!Comeon…whoofushasn’thadasimilarmomentas that?!!!…you’resomadatsomeoneonlytorealizeinthemomentormaybe10yearslater,“ohhh…I’mwasdoingtheverythingthat Iwassodisgusted to thinkhewasdoing.” This ismorecommonthatwe’d like toadmit.Ithappensinsillywaysandinmoreseriouswaysinourlife.Ithappenstoemployeeswhoareoutragedattheworkethicandtheperformanceoftheirco-workerswhenthey’renotmuchbetterthemselves,theyjusthideitbetter.Ithappensintohusbandsandwiveswhoblameeachotherforastrugglingmarriagewhenbothhavetoadmittheyarecheckedout. But it’salwayseasiertoseewhereyouspousefallsshortthanyoudo.It happens tomen andwomen gossip to their friends about how ridiculous is that theirotherfriendsaregossipingaboutthem…thinkaboutit.It’slike,“Ijustcan’tbelievehetalksbehind people’s back somuch, especiallywhen it sounds like his kids have somemajorissuesthathe’snotaddressing.”Ithappenstosiblings,bestfriends,andsomanyotherplaces.Wecreatelonglistsofhowandwhere andwhen other people slip up along theway and how they aremaking ourrelationship impossible.Andwepoint the fingerateveryoneother thanourselves. Andthenwewonderwhyourrelationshipsdon’tgetanybetterorwhywe’relonelyorangryordisgruntled. “Whats’ the problem?” WELL there’s a name to this kind of behavior-thebehavior thatcancause theserelationSlipsbut that ishard topinpoint. It’san invisibleandintangibleandoftenacknowledgedroadblockthatpreventsusfromgettinganycloserto people aroundus. It’s the road block that prevents real healing fromhappening in afracturingrelationship.This subtle intangible road block is caused by hypocrisy-when I call you out forsomething that I’m just as guilty. Sometimes stories of hypocrisy are humorous like awomenwhoatecookiesthatweren’thers.Andothertimesthey’reserious…they’reaboutmeandyou,realpeopleinourlives,realrelationshipsthatareimportanttous. They’re

23

aboutmenandwomentodaywhoarewaybetteratseeingwhereotherpeoplescrewupratherthanwheretheydo. That’swhathypocrisyisallabout. Andthat’snotmemakingthatobservation.It’sJesus.InteachingofhisthatIexaminednotlongago,Jesushasthistosay,“Howcanyousaytoyourfriend,‘Letmetakethatspeckoutofyoureye,’whenallthetimethereisaplankinyourowneye.Youhypocrite!”If I had tomakemyown translation itwould say this, “Howcanyoube so tickedat thethoughtofsomeoneeatingyourcookies,whenit’sactuallyYOUeatingTHEIRcookies?!”IthinkyouseewhatI’mgettingat!This silly story shows our propensity to be so unaware, to be so naïve, so oblivious towherewemessup...allwhilebeingonhyperalertforwhereotherpeoplemessup!Andit’saproblem.Itcanbehurtfulanditcreatesdistanceinsomeofourimportantrelationships.Sometimes its distance that’s not really acknowledged, but it’s there. And it’s not aflatteringdescriptionwhenJesussays,“Youhypocrite!”He’sidentifyingabehaviorthatisnotfittingformenandwomenwhoareattemptingtorespondtotheworldaroundthemlikeHedid.AndsothisopensthedoorforthebottomlinethatIwanttodrivehometoday.Ifyou’retakingnotes,writesthisdown.ThisisthenextprincipletohelpusovercomeandpreventtheserelationSlips.Whenyouaccuse,YOUlose!Wepointoutotherpeople’sflawsasawaytoexplainorsolveourrelationshipchallenges,butoftentimesit’syouandmethatloseoutonrelationshipswithotherpeoplewhenwerespondthisway.That’swhyJesusneverdid.Hewasalwaysfullofgrace,neverpointingcondemning fingers. Cuz if he did, he knowhewould lose out relationshipswith peoplewhoneedHimmost.Seewewouldlovetothinkthatallourrelationalproblemsarearesultofthosepeskyspecsinallofourfriend’seye. It’seasiertosay,heythis isallonhim!!But letmejustaskyou,howclosecansomeonereallygetclosetoyouwithoutgetbonkedintheheadbytheplankstickingoutofyourowneye.Whenyouaccuse,youlose.Manyofourrelationshipsstarttobreakdownwhenwearesodisgustedatthethoughtofwhatarefriendsdidordidn’tdo…yetourbehaviorinthatparticularareaoranotherisreallynotallthatdifferent.SoourfirstresponsewhenattemptingtopreventanovercomerelationSlips—tobreakingthrough those road blocks, to closing the gap in some of our closest relationships is torejecthypocrisy—atallcost,rejecthypocrisy.Ourobsessionwithhowotherpeopleslipwillalwayspreventusfromdrawingneartothemanddrawingthemneartous.Weneedtomake itahabit inour life torun fastand faraway fromthisunpleasingbehavior thatJesusishighlightinginthisanalogyofspecksandplanks.He’ssaying“Whatareyoudoing?!You hypocrites!!” We have to decide once and for to reject hypocrisy as our regular ornaturalmodeofoperation.

24

Sounds nice, but how do you actually do that? It’s not like we’re actually choosinghypocrisy. It just kind of happens. Notmany of us have hypocrisy alarms that alert uswhenwe’re indanger. IknowIdon’t. Ifsomeonecouldwarnmethat I’mabout tobeahypocrite,Iwouldn’tdoit.Iftherewasanalarmthatalertedme.“Stenyou’reabouttosaysomething or think something that’s gonna put some tension in this relationship, andtruthfully, you do similar stuff in your own life,” Iwouldn’t do it. But I don’t have thatalarm.AndsotoooftenInoticethespeckinmyfriend’seyeanddon’tseetheplankinmyown.AndwhetherIsayitoutloudornot,thatmomentofhypocrisycreatesagapbetweenmeandsomeofthepeopleIlovethemost.Iwonder if thesamethingshappenstoyou. Thequestionsthen is, if it’snot intentional,howdoweensurethatwerejecthypocrisyasoftenaswecan? Howdoweintentionallychoosesomethingelse?Jesusgivesusahintashecontinueswithhisanalogy.Hesaysthis,“Firstgetridoftheplankinyourowneye;thenyouwillseewellenoughtodealwiththespeckinyourfriend’seye.”

ThewaytopreventandovercometheserelationSlipsstartswithyouanditstartswithme.Ourdesire to rejecthypocrisystartswithourdecision to intentionallychoose integrity.IntegrityisonlyaboutmeandthechoicesImakeandthelifeIlive.Itdoesn’tinquireaboutyou,itaddressesme!

The definition of integrity in the Meriam Webster dictionary provides a few helpfuldescriptions.Itsaysintegrityis

1. Thequalityofbeinghonestandfair.2. Thestateofbeingcompleteorwhole3. Anunimpairedcondition

We’reinelectionseasonhere,soletmedoaquickstrawpoll.Whowouldconsideraplankin theeyean impairedcondition? Ya I thought so. Anunimpairedconditionstartswithaddressingtheplankinyourowneyefirst.It’sthefirststeptowardanhonestquality,andcomplete or whole state of being. And it’s what Jesus asks of you and me—to start byaddressingtheplankinoureyefirst,beforepointingoutthespecinourfriend’seye. It’schoosing integrity first and always—it about being intentional to choose integrity--sohypocrisyhaslessofanopportunitytomakeitswayoutofourheadoroffourlips!

Sowhenyou’reconsideringtheimportantrelationshipsinyourlifethatarealittleoutofwhack,remindyourself: Whenyouaccuse,YOU lose. YouonlyfurtherpropelyourselfintopatternsthatJesuswarnsustoavoid.

Now I don’t know about you, but sometimes it’s hard to see real life in analogies aboutspecksandplanksinpeople’seye.SoIwantustobeabletoseehowthisplaysoutinoutinreallife,notjustintheory.IwantustoseehowJesusgivespeoplejustlikeyouandmetheopportunitytochooseintegrityallwhileputtinghisgraceandmercyonfulldisplay.

25

AnearlyfollowerofJesus,hisnamewasJohn,wrotetheletterofJohnintheNT.Init,herecordedthisstorythatIwantustoreadtoday.

JesusreturnedtotheMountofOlives,2butearlythenextmorninghewasbackagainattheTemple.Acrowdsoongathered,andhesatdownandtaughtthem.3Ashewasspeaking,theteachersofreligiouslawandthePhariseesbroughtawomanwhohadbeencaughtintheactofadultery.Theyputherinfrontofthecrowd.

4“Teacher,” they said to Jesus, “thiswomanwas caught in theact of adultery. 5TheLawofMosessaystostoneher.Whatdoyousay?”

6Theywere trying to traphim into saying something they coulduseagainsthim,but Jesusstoopeddownandwroteinthedustwithhisfinger.7Theykeptdemandingananswer,sohestoodupagainandsaid,“Allright,butlettheonewhohasneversinnedthrowthefirststone!”8Thenhestoopeddownagainandwroteinthedust.

9Whentheaccusersheardthis,theyslippedawayonebyone,beginningwiththeoldest,untilonly Jesuswas left inthemiddleof thecrowdwiththewoman.10ThenJesusstoodupagainandsaidtothewoman,“Whereareyouraccusers?Didn’tevenoneofthemcondemnyou?”

11“No,Lord,”shesaid.

AndJesussaid,“NeitherdoI.Goandsinnomore.”

Thisisbeautiful.Injust11versesweseetheincrediblegraceandmercythatJesusofferedeachofus.Andweseefirsthandwhatitmeanstorejecthypocrisyandtochooseintegrity.As each accuser laid done his stone, he was taking advantage of the opportunity Jesusprovidedtochooseintegrity.Jesusencourageseachofthemtochooseintegritybytakingahard look atwhere theyweren’twhole in their own lives. They take a hard look at theimpairedconditionoftheirownheart. Theirtakingahardlookatthethingsthatnooneelsereallyknewabouthim.Eachofthem,startingwiththeoldestandworkingtheirwaydowntotheyoungpunks,concludes,yaIguessIneedtogetmyselfstraightbeforeIstartthrowing stones at anyone else. At least in that moment, each of the accusers choosesintegrity.That’shardtodo.

Because these accusersweremaking a truthful and accurate charge against thiswomen.Shewascaught in theactofunfaithfulnesswhichwasaserious law in thatday.Shewasguilty.

Andsometimesthechargeswemakeatthepeopleclosesttousaretruthfulandaccuratetoo.Sometimesthespecksweseeinother’seyesarethere.Sowefeeljustified.“Seelook,they’re being dishonest, they’re talking behind my back, they’re making poor choices,they’re making bad financial decisions, they shouldn’t raise their kids like that, theyshouldn’twatch thator talk like that…”on the listgoes. And thegapbetweenourselvesandthepeoplearoundusgrowsbiggerandbigger.

26

AndI just imagineyouandmesharingtheselistswithJesuswhenwe’reinthemiddleofourmostpainfulrelationSlips. Afterwefinishourrantof“hesaidthis,shedidthat,theyjustwon’tever…andthat’swhythisisn’tworking,”IimagineJesussaying“Ya,that’sprettybad. We shoulddo something about this. In fact, if you’veneverdoneor said anythinghurtful in this relationship, if you’ve never told a lie, if you’ve nevermade amistake, ifyou’venevermadeapoorfinancialdecision,ifyou’veneverstruggledwithknowinghowtoraiseacrazyteenager-whydon’tyoupickupthephoneandletemhave.Imeangiveitto‘emgood.Setthemstraight!!”

NowIdon’tknowwhereeveryoneisathere,butI’mguessingnotmanyofuswouldreadytopickupthephoneandmakethatcallunderthoseconditions.Icouldn’t.

Seewehave to choose integrity first, cuzwhenwedon’twe’re theones that loseoutonrelationshipswithother.

NowletmemakesureyouhearwhatI’mnotsaying.I’mnotsayinganythinggoes.I’mnotsayingtoignoresin,andI’mnotsayingthat100%ofthetimeit’syourfaultifrelationshipsare off. I’m not saying that there are not occasionswhen someone flat out just did youwronganditputyourrelationshiponhold.I’mjustsayingthatweoweitourselves,toourspouses,ourfamily,ourcoworkers,andourfriendstomakesurethatourfirststepisoneofself-examination.Weoweittoourselvesandthepeoplewelovetochooseintegrityfirst,toolookatourownlivesandourownheartstofindoutwherewearenotwhole.We’vegottogetbetterandbequickeratlayingdownourstones.We’vegottogetbetteratseeingourshortcomingsfirst,andhowtheymightbeeffectingthemostimportantrelationshipsaroundus.Nowthis ishardtodo.We love to talkaboutgraceandmercy,butwe love to talkabouthow“they”needit,nothow“I”needit. It’shardtolookatwherewefallshort.Andthismessage isn’tmeanttobeaself-hatemessage. It’snotmeanttotearusdown. God isn’tmore pleased with us when we beat ourselves up. But he does want us to take theconditionofourownheartveryseriously.Hewantsustopayattentiontowherearenotwhole.Hewantsustopayattentiontowherewetripup.Andthat’shardtodo.Andhere’showandwhywecandothatandstillholdourheadhighandstill showour facearoundtown.BecausetheverysamegraceandmercythatJesusshowedtothewomencaughtinunfaithfulness,hemakesavailabletoyouandme.Andwecan’tofferthegraceandmercytoowell ifwedon’t first believe it and receive it ourselves. Godwon’t bemorepleasedwhenwebeatourselvesupbuthedoeswantustocometofacetofacewithourownshortcomingssowecancomefacetofacewithhisgraceandmercy.Andwhenwe’reconfidentofthat,thenwecanchooseintegrityfarmoreoften,andwecanbe confident of the contributionwemake to some of ourmost important relationships.That’swhat choosing integrity is all about—putting for ourwhole, best,most complete,mosthonest,ourmostunimpairedselfintotherelationshipswiththepeoplewelovemost.Soletmeaskyou:

27

Whatrelationshipsinyourlifewouldbenefitfromyouchoosingintegrityandputtingforthawholeandcompleteandhonestselfintotherelationship?Whatrelationshipscouldhealorflourishifyouchosetolaydownyourstones?Maybeit’saspouse.Youhaveawholelistofthingsthatyourspousedidn’tdoforyouoverthelastyear.Butthetruthis,you’vebeenwaytoodistantforwaytoolong.Youworkallthetime,neveraroundfordinner,neveratthekidsgames,you’reneverhomeorengagedwiththefamilywhenyouarehomeandit’stakingatollonthefamilyandyoujustdon’tseeit!!Maybeit’sco-workeroranemployee.Youpickaparteveryproposaltheyputonyourdesk.Youfindtheflawineverypresentationtheypitch.Andyourrelationshipisn’tgettinganybetterandyourcompanyismovingforwardbecauseyoucan’tletyourselfadmitthattheiridea is better ormore accurate ormore viable than yours. You don’t have a great ideayourselfbutit’seasiertoseehowsomeoneelseontheteamisholdingyouback.Maybe it’sasibling. You’retryingtomakefamilydecisions, faithdecisions, lifedecisionsandsomehowitjustturnsintoabigmudslingingcontest.Soonthedecisionathandisoffthetableyou’rejusttearingeachotherapartwithanycheapshotyoucanthinkof.Maybethere’satimetodrawlineinthesand,tochooseintegrity--committingtoputyourbestselfforward--ownuptowhereyou’vegonewronganddoitwithabsoluteconfidencetheGod’sgraceandmercyismorethanenoughtoseeyouthrough.Maybe it’saclose friend. Thecloseryouare themoreyouknowabout their lifeandthemoreyouthink theyshouldhearwhatyouthinkabout thispartof their lifeor thatpart.Theydidn’taskyou,butyoufindsmallwaystogetyourpointacrossabouthowtheyspendmoney,howtheyraisekids,whattheydointheirfreetime. Maybethere’struthtowhatyou’resaying,butmaybethebestfirststepistochooseintegrity—justspendyourmoneyaswiselyasyoucan,raiseyourkidsasbestasyoucan,bethebestsupportandfriendthatyoucanbe.Laythestonesdown.Lookattheplankinyoureyefirst.Chooseintegrity.Cuzwhenyouaccuse,youlose.You relationshipswill suffer. Yes, there is indeed a time andplace to help close friendsremovethespeckfromtheireye.Butthatstartswhenwechooseintegrityfirst,andinthegraceandmercyofGod,westrivetomakeourselveswholeandcompleteandhonestandtruewhenstandbeforeGodandengagewiththepeoplehe’splacedinourlife.GoingDeeper:

1. Much like the woman in the airport, have you ever had a similar moment ofharmlessandhumoroushypocrisy?

2. Why is it so easy to assume someone else is always at fault? Where has thistendencyhadamoreharmfuleffectonyourrelationships?

3. When you find yourself focusing on others’ faults more than your own, does itusuallyleadtopeaceinyourlife,ormorediscontent?

28

4. ReadJohn8:1-11.Verses4and5saythewomanwas“caughtintheact,”andthattheLawofMosesdemandedapenalty.Bible scholars says that eye-witnessproofwasneededtomakesuchanaccusation,andtoget thiskindofevidencerequiredsettinga trap for thewoman. Findingher flawwas intentional! Doyouever findyourself intentionally look for flaws in others in attempt to diagnose relationshipchallenges? Does that usually draw you closer or create more distance in yourrelationships?

5. ReadMatthew7:5.Isiteverappropriatetohelpafriendwitha“speck”intheireye?Whatstepisnecessaryfirst?WhatdidStencallthestep?Choosing____________?

6. Whatwouldchangeabouthowyourespondtorelationshipchallengesifyoualwayschoose integrity first? Where, or in what relationship, do you need to chooseintegrityfirst?

7. Developaplanoranaccountabilitypartnertohelpyouchooseintegrityandfocusonyoufirstwhileinthemiddleofrelationshipchallenges.

8. Identifyingourshortcomingsmaybehardandpainful,butremember,wecandosoconfidentthat thegraceandmercyJesusshowedthewomencaught inadultery isavailabletoustoo.Anditismorethansufficient!

Relationslips:PartFiveGoodBoundariesPreventRelationslipsByRemyDiederichOutline:

1. Loverequiresbothsacrificeandlimits(boundaries).2. Jesuswasn’tafraidtosetboundaries.

a. Luke4:28-30b. Luke5:14,15c. Matthew12:46-50

3. Principle six: If you want to prevent and overcome relationslips you need toknowwhentosacrificeandwhentosetaboundary.

a. Setboundariestoprotectyourself,notpunishothers.b. Setboundariesbeforethingsgetawkward.c. Setboundarieswithrespectandwithoutapology.d. Setboundarieswithappropriateconsequences.

4. Consequencesshouldequalthetrespass.5. Enforcementshouldbewithoutdrama.6. Increaseconsequencesuntilyourboundariesarerespected.

29

Message:Video:Tellsastoryofawomanwhofeltbetrayedbyherfatherandhadseparatedfromhim.WhenIstartedthisseriesIsaidthat90%offollowingJesusis livedoutinhowyoutreatpeople.SoourfirstRelationshipPrinciplewasthis:relationshipsshouldbeourtoppriority.AlotofChristiansdon’tunderstandthat.TheythinktheycanburythemselvesintheirBibleorhideout inchurchandGodwillbe impressed.ButGod isn’t looking forhowreligiousyoucanbe.He’slookingforhowwellyoucanlovepeople.That’stheacidtestofourfaith.Butlikewesawinthevideo,somepeoplearedifficult.Somepeoplearemorethandifficult;they’redangerous.Theycanhurtyou.Butinspiteofthat, Jesuscallsustoloveeveryone,evenourenemies.That’sRelationshipPrinciple#2(fromthefirstsermonintheseries).And that gave some of us pause because you wondered: how do I love a difficult ordangerousperson?HowdoIlovethemwithoutendangeringmyselfandthoseIlove?We’reafraidifweloveadifficultordangerouspersonthatitcouldruinourlives.Sowefeellikewe’restuckbetweenarockandahardplace:eitherwerejectJesus’wordsandprotectourselvesorwebelieveJesus’wordsandallowsomeonetodestroyourlives.ButI’mheretotellyouthat–mostofthetime-youcanloveyourenemiesandstillprotectyourselffromharm.It’snotoneortheother.WhatIwantustoseetodayisthatloverequiresabalancingact.Iheardasermononceonparentingwhere the pastor created this huge teeter/totter on stage. On one side it saidLOVEandontheotherside itsaidLIMITS.Hispointwasthatthere isabalancebetweenloveandlimitswhenyouparent.Buthismodelwasflawed.Weshouldn’thavetochoosebetweenloveandlimits,asif,whenyoulaydownsomelimitsyousuddenlystoploving.Youcanlovesomeoneeventhoughyoulaydownlimitsforthem.Parentsdoitallthetime.Wecandothatwithadultstoo.A more accurate model is that LOVE is the art of balancing LIMITS and SACRIFICE.Sometimesloverequiresyoutolaydownyourlifeforanotherperson–yousacrifice.Butother times you need to protect yourself from peoplewith limits, even though you lovethem.Limitsdon’tnegateyourlove.Youmightbethinking…waitaminute.WheredoesitsaythatintheBible?Didn’tJesussaythatweshouldlaydownourlivesforourbrother?Yes,hedid…butremember:Jesusonlylaiddownhis lifeonce.Beforehelaiddownhis lifehehadtoperformthebalancingactIjusttalkedabout.ThereweremanytimesJesussetboundaries, limitinghisavailabilitytopeople,butthatdidn’tmeanthathestoppedlovingpeople.

30

Forexample, in thebookofLuke, chapter four,Luke tellsabouta time thatsomepeopletriedtokillJesus:

All thepeople in the synagoguewere furious…They gotup, drovehimout of thetown,andtookhimtothebrowofthehillonwhichthetownwasbuilt,inordertothrowhimoffthecliff.

WhatdidJesusdo?Didhelaydownhislife?Didhesay,“Okay,goaheadandkillme.I’mnotgoingtoresistyou”?No.Itwasn’thistimetolaydownhislife.Luketellsus:

Buthewalkedrightthroughthecrowdandwentonhisway.Luke4:28-30Yousee,Jesuslovedthesepeople,buthedidn’tlaydownhislifeforthem.Atleastnotthen.Itwasn’thistime.Itwasn’ttherightplace,ortherightreason.Hehadmoreministrytodo,sohewalkedaway.I’vehadmanypeoplecometomeovertheyearsandtellmehorrificstoriesabouthowafriendorfamilymemberwasdestroyingtheirlife,usuallythroughsomekindofaddiction.Thesepeoplebentoverbackwards tohelp the troubledperson invariouswaysandtheycame tome rackedwith guilt, convinced that if they didn’t rescue their friend or familymemberthattheywouldsoondie.Sotheyaskedmewhattheyshoulddo.That’sneveraneasyquestionforme.FirstIaskthem,“Hasrescuingthemhelped?Hasitchangedtheirlife?”No.Ithasn’t.ThenIaskthem,“Howhastryingtorescuethemimpactedyourlife?”Andtheytypicallysay,“It’sruinedus.It’saffectedourmarriage,ourjobs,ourfinances.Wehavenolife.”So then I say, “If it was my friend or family member, and I can only speak for myselfbecause it’sverypersonal, Iwould tell them, ‘I’msorry,but Iwon’thelpyouanymore. Iloveyou,andwantthebestforyou,buthelpingyouhasn’tactuallyhelpedandhonestly,it’sdestroyingmeandthat’snotfairtotheotherpeoplethatrelyonme.SothebestthingIcandoforyou,themostlovingthing,istonottrytorescueyousoyou’llgetthehelpyoureallyneedandnotjustaquickfixfromme.’”Now,maybethatsoundscrueltoyoubut,ifyouthinkaboutit,GoddidthattoJesus.WhenJesusaskedtoberescued,Godsaidno.It’safamiliarstory:Jesuswasabouttobebetrayedandcrucified.Feeling the fullweightofhishumanity,heaskedGod to relievehimof thecrossifatallpossible.WeneverhearGodanswer,butweknowtheanswerbecauseJesuswascrucified.Mypointhereisthatlovedoesn’talwaysmeanthatyouhavetorescuesomeone.Youcanlovesomeoneandstillrefusetohelpthem.SometimesNOTtryingtorescuesomeoneistherightthingtodo.Maybe an analogywill help.Oneday amanwas crossing abridge.Thebridge crossed avery deep ravine.As the man walked across the bridge he encountered another man

31

coming from theoppositedirection.The strange thingwas thatthismanhada very longropecoiledaroundhisbody.Themanwith the rope stopped and said to the firstman,“Excuseme,would youmindholding this endofmy rope?”Not thinking, themanagreed.Then themanwith the ropesaid,“Thankyou”andjumpedoffthebridge.Themanleftholdingtheropewasdraggedtotheedgeofthebridgeandwouldhavegoneoverifhehadn’tbeenabletobracehimselfatthelastminute.Inshock,hecalleddowntothemanontherope,“Whydidyoudothis?”Andhereplies,“Justholdon.Ifyou letgoI’lldie.Remember,mylifeisinyourhands.”The manon thebridge wasdesperate.He didn’tthink hecould holdout muchlonger.Helookedtoseeifhecouldtietheropetothebridgebutthatwasn’tpossible.Sohelookedtoseeifanyoneelsewasonthebridgethatcouldhelpbuttherewasn’t.Hecalledbackdown,“What doyou want me to do?” And he replied, “Just hold on.Remember, I’m yourresponsibilitynow.”Themanonthebridgewassick.Hedidn’twanttoletthemangobutheknewthatsittingthere for therest of hislifewasn’t the answer either.He finallycameupwithan idea.Hecalledbackdowntothemansaying,“Climbbackuptherope.I’llholdonandevenpullyouasmuch as Ican, but you have to climb the rope.”The manon theropesaid,“Youcan’tbeserious.Howcouldyoubesoselfish?Remember,I’myourresponsibilitynow.Youhavetotakecareofme”Well,ofcourse,thisisjustastorythatreallyhasnoending.It’sjustmeanttohelppeopleprocessanethicaldilemma.ButImentionitbecauseIbetsomeofusareinthatpositionright now. You are holding someone’s rope and you don’t know what to do. Are yousupposed tostand there indefinitely?Shouldyousacrificeyour life so theycan live? Is ityour responsibility to comeupwithan ingenious solution?Or shouldyou let thepersondrop?WhatwouldJesushaveyoudo?There’snoobviousanswer.ButIknowwhatyoushouldn’tdo.Youshouldn’tdrophimjustbecausehe inconveniencedyour life.Andyoushouldn’tholdontohimoutofguilteither.WhatyouneedistoaskGodifhewantsyoutosacrificeforthispersonorsetboundaries.OnlyGodknows.That’swhatJesusmodeledforus.Sometimeshestoppedtohelpeveryone:sinners,thesickanddying,lepersandchildren.ButlikeIsaid,othertimeshehadboundaries.Letmegiveyoutwomoreexamples.InLuke5JesushadjusthealedamanofleprosyandLuketellsus:

…thenewsabouthimspreadall themore, so that crowdsofpeople came tohearhimandtobehealedoftheirsicknesses.ButJesusoftenwithdrewtolonelyplacesandprayed.Luke5:14,15

32

Therewerethousandsofpeoplewaitingtobehealed.ItmighthavebeentheirlastchancetoseeJesusandbehealed,butJesuswithdrew.HowwouldliketobethenextpersoninlinewaitingforJesustoprayforyouandhecheckshiswatchanddecidestogo?Yousee,JesuswasGodbuthewasalsofullyhuman.Asahumanheknewthatifhedidn’ttakecareofhimselfhe’dhavenothingtogivetoothers.Respondingtoeveryrequestmightseemlike love,butnot ifhedroppeddeadfromaheartattack.Thenhe’snot freeto loveanybody.MatthewtellsofanothertimewhenJesuswaspreachingandhismotherandbrotherscametointervene.Theythinkhe’slosthismind:

While Jesuswas still talking to the crowd,hismotherandbrothers stoodoutside,wantingtospeaktohim.Someonetoldhim,“Yourmotherandbrothersarestandingoutsidewantingtospeaktoyou.”

Surely,Jesuswouldlistentohismother.TheBiblesaysyouneedtohonoryourmotherandfather,right?

He replied tohim,“Who ismymother, andwhoaremybrothers?”Pointing tohisdisciples,hesaid,“Herearemymotherandmybrothers.ForwhoeverdoesthewillofmyFatherinheavenismybrotherandsisterandmother.”Matthew12:46-50

WhenJesus’momandbrotherstriedtotalkhimoutofhisministry,that’swherehedrewthelineandsaid,“Ican’tagreewithyouwhenyoutrytotalkmeoutofdoingGod’swill.”Someofyouneedtohearthis.Someofyouarefullgrownadultsandyouarestilltryingtokeepyourparentshappy,evenwhenkeepingthemhappymeanslettingthemcontrolyourlife:eventothepointofdisobeyingGod.Somanypeople,especiallyChristians,areworriedthatsaying“no”totheirparentsshowstheydon’tlovethem.That’sjustnottrue.Forexample,yearsagosomeone toldme thathismothercalledhimeight timesadayatwork.Hesaidhedidn’tlikeit,buthedidn’twanttohurtherfeelings.That’sjustnotright.Parentsofadultchildren,letmetellyousomething…asnicelyasIcan:Onceyourkidsleavehome,theruleschange.Youdon’thavetherighttocontrolthem.Youdon’thavetherighttovisitwheneveryouwanttovisitorofferunsolicitedadvice.Andyoucan’texpectthemtovisityouwheneveryouwantthemto.Theyhavealifeoftheirownandyouneedtorespecttheir space andwait for them to invite you into their space. You reallyneed to earn therighttobeintheirlivesandnotassumeyouhavetheright.Now, ifyouhaveayoung family, just flipwhat Isaidaround.Youneedtoknowthatyouhavetherighttoyourlifeandyoushouldn’tletguiltbeyourguide.Determinewhatkindofspaceyourfamilyneedstobehealthyandcommunicatethoseneedstoyourfamily.Sohere’s theRelationshipPrinciple(#6)that I’vebeentalkingaboutthismorning: Ifyouwanttopreventandovercomerelationslipsyouneedtoknowwhentosacrificeandwhentosetaboundary.Someofusareexcellentat layingdownourlivesbutwecan’tsay“no”so

33

our lives are amess.Others of us are excellent at settingboundaries butwewon’t lift afingertohelpsomeone.That’sjustasbad.Weneedtofindabalance.Now, let me finish this morning by giving you four practical guidelines on settingboundaries.First,Setboundariestoprotectyourself,notpunishothers.Weallhavedifferentneeds forpersonalspacebutnoonewillknowwhattheyareunlessyoutellthem. Sohelppeoplehelpyouprotectyourpersonalspacebycommunicatingyourboundaries.That’snotmeanorselfish.That’shelpful.Justbecarefulhowyoucommunicateyourboundaries.Somepeople fail tocommunicatetheirboundariesuntiltheyaremad.Like,maybeI’vewatchedmyneighborborrowatoolfrommygarage.Healwaysbringsitbackbutitjustticksmeoffthatheneverasksfirst.SoIcatchhimonedayinmygarage,yellathimfornotaskingpermissionandthenputabigpadlock on my garage and build a fence between our yards. That’s not how you setboundaries.That’showyoupunishsomeone.That leads tomy second guideline, Setboundariesbefore thingsgetawkward.My garageexamplewasawkward.Youdon’twanttogothere.Sotheearlieryoucansetaboundarythebetterbecausethelongeryouwait,themoreawkwarditgets.Forexample,theguywhosemomcalledhimeighttimesaday.Ifthefirstdayshecalledhewouldhavesaid,“Mom,Ilovetohearyourvoice,butcanIcallyouattheendoftheday?I’mnotsupposedtotakepersonalcallsatwork.”Thatwouldhavenippeditinthebud.Butinstead,heletitgoonformonthsandsohismotherexpecteditfromhim.Tosuddenlycutheroffseemedharshandhecouldn’tdoit.Third,Setboundarieswithrespectandwithoutapology.Settingboundariesdoesn’thavetoinvolveanastyconfrontation.Forexample,ifyouhaveayoungfamilyandyourparentsinviteyoufortheweekend,Youcandeclineinafriendlyway.Youcanjustsay:

“Momanddad, thanks for the invitation for theweekend.We lovespendingtimewith you, but realistically we can onlymake it for lunch on Sunday.We have acrazyschedule.Ifthatwon’twork,thenmaybewecanfindanothertime.”

You don’t have to explain your schedule or apologize for not being more available.Hopefully they understand, but if they don’t, don’t let them guilt you into staying theweekend.Rememberyoucanlovethemevenifyousay“no”.

Next,Setboundarieswithappropriateconsequences.Boundariesaren’tboundaries if therearenoconsequences.Consequencesreinforceyourboundaries.Theygiveyourboundariesteeth.

34

Ifyou’vegotafriendthatlikestospontaneouslydropbylateatnight,afteryou’vealreadygonetobed,it’sokaytolethimknowthatinthefutureyouwon’tanswerthedoor.That’stheconsequencefordroppingbysolate.LetmeaddthreequickqualifiersaboutconsequencesbeforeIclose.Consequencesshouldequalthetrespass.Youdon’twanttooverreact,likemyexamplewiththepadlockonmygarage.Butyoudon’twanttounderreacteither.Aconsequenceshouldmakepeoplestopandthinkaboutwhatthey’vedone.Enforcingaconsequenceshouldbewithoutdrama.When you offer a consequence peoplemightgetmadandpushback.Theymighttrytogetyoutochangeyourmind.Butdon’tgivein.Justcalmlyrestatetheconsequencewithoutarguing.Don’tfight.Mom,Iloveyou,butI’mnotgoingtotakeyourcallsatwork.Son,Iloveyou,butI’mkeepingthecarkeysforaweeksinceyoucamehomelate.Increaseconsequencesuntilyourboundariesarerespected. If your consequencesdon’t gettheresultsyouwant,thenyouhavetoincreasetheimpactuntilyougetthedesiredresults.Start with a velvet rope, like at a movie theater. It’s a courteous suggestion where youexpect thepersontoget the idea.But if they ignoretherope, thenyoumovetoa“picketfence.”A picket fence isn’t very formidable butmore than a rope. It’s a clear demarcation of aboundary. If the picket fence isn’t respected then you build a “concrete wall.” This is astrongdeterrentforboundarybreakersandsendsadefinitemessage.Butiftheydon’tgetthemessagethenyourfinalmoveisto“razorwireandguardtowers.”Christianpsychologist,HenryCloud,referstothismoveas“lawyers,gunsandmoney.”Thatmeansifyouhavetohirealawyer,callthepolice(guns),orspendlargesumsofmoneytoenforceaboundary…doit.Dowhateverittakestoprotectyourspace.Now,Iknowwhatsomeofyouarethinking.Youarethinking,Icouldneverdothis.Ihateconfrontationandboundariesseemtorequiretoomuchconfrontation.Myanswertothatis, you need to decide what you hate more: Communicating your boundaries or lettingotherpeoplecontrolyourlife.I thinkweoweittoGodtoprotectourselveswithboundariessoweareavailableforthepeople that reallyneedus,not just thepeople that think theyneedus.That’swhat Jesusdid.Weshoulddothesame.Prayer: Father, help us knowwhen to lay down our life for others andwhen to protectourselves.MaywenotbedrivenbyguiltorselfishnessbutledbyyourSpiritsowecanlovelikeJesusloved.

35

GoingDeeper:usethefollowingquestionsforpersonalreflectionand/ortodiscusswithyourfamily,friends,orsmallgroup.

1. Jesussetboundariesmany times.Whatweresome thatRemymentioned?Canyouthinkofothertimes?

2. AreyousurprisedthatJesussetboundaries?Why?3. WhatwouldhavehappenedifJesushadnotsetboundariesineachinstance?4. Recallthestoryofthemanwiththerope.Whatwouldyoudoifsomeonehanded

youtheropeandjumped?Why?5. What are some real life examples of people “handing you the rope”? In other

words, what are the situations where people have tried to pass theirresponsibilityontoyou?Howdiditturnout?

6. Readthroughtheguidelinesforsettingboundaries.Whichonesstoodouttoyouasnewthoughtsand/orpossiblyhelpful?Why?

7. Howgoodareyouatsettingboundariesandenforcingconsequences?Whatcanyoudotobemoreeffectiveatit?

8. Think through your relationships.Where should you be sacrificing for othersandwhereshouldyoubesettingboundaries

Bonusthoughtsonboundariesthatweren’tusedinthesermon:Follow throughwithconsequences. It’sone thing to setaboundary; it’sanother thing tofollowthrough.PeopleWILLtestyou.Expectit.Anticipateyourresponse.Bestrong.Don’tback down. Some people enforce consequences once but can’t handle the pressure thatcomesfromit.Questionstoclarifyyourboundaries:• Can you really help? Or is someone using you for a quick fix? We read a book called,“Helpingwithouthurting” and that’sbecomeaphrase thatweuse toguidewhereweinvestmoneyasachurch.Wewant togivemoneywhere itwillactuallyproduce fruitandnotjustpushtheballdowntheroadafewmorefeet.

• IsthispersontryingtohavemefulfillTHEIRresponsibility?• Willholdingtheropebeashorttermfixoralongtermsituation?AmIpreparedforthelongterm?Whatwillitcostme?

• Istheresomethinginmethatneedstobeneeded?• HaveIdiscussedtheropewithmyfamilyandsignificantothersordoIassumethatthey’lljustgoalongwithit?

• CanIbringasolutiontothisproblemoramIjustdoingitoutofguilt?• AmItheonlypersonthatcanhelp?AmIthebestperson?• AmIwillingtoaddonemorethingtomylifeoramIwillingtodropanotherropetopickthisoneup?

36

• AmI trying toescapeanotherresponsibilitybypickingup thisone?Check yourmotive.Caretakers loveto takecareofotherpeopleso theydon’thavetodealwith theirownissues.

• DoIknowhowlongatimecommitmentI’msigningupfor?AmIbeingrealistic?• Whatifthingsdon’tworkout?Whatifittakestwiceaslong?AmIpreparedforthat?• DoIhaveanexitplan?Becareful.Manypeopleareoverlyoptimisticandfailtocountthecost.

• Whocan I ask tohelpme?Just because you say “yes” doesn’tmean you have to go italone.Formateam.

• AmIrespondingoutofguilt?GoodChristiansshoulddothis.Mymomwoulddothis.• AmIrespondingoutofobligation?You“owe”them.• AmIrespondingoutofshame?WhatwillpeoplesayifIdon’t?Iftheansweris“yes”thatdoesn’tnecessarilymeanyoushouldn’tdoit.Itmightjustmeanyouneedtochangeyourmotive.

• CanIdothisandnotberesentful?Playthemartyr?Expectpayback?Again, the answermightbe“no”butmaybeyoujustneedtochangeyourattitude.Learntobeacheerfulgiver.

Howdowelovetoxicpeoplewithoutlettingthemhurtus?Lovedoesn’tequatetrust.Icanloveyouwithouttrustingyou.Icanforgiveyouwithouttrustingyou.Wisdomrememberswhatpeoplehavedone.Jesusshowedboundarieswiththedevilwitheachtemptation.Yourcrisisisnotmycrisis.IfIallowyoutoconsumemethenIamnotavailableforwhat’sreallyimportant.Lovingyoudoesn’tmeandoingwhatyouwantmetodo.I’mresponsibletolovealotofpeople.ToletyouconsumememeansIwon’tloveotherswell.MoreexamplesofJesuslayingdownboundaries:• BaitingQuestions.Whenthereligiousleadersaskedhimbaitingquestionstomakehimlookfoolishheansweredwithincisivequestionsofhisown(Matthew21:23-27,22:15-22).

• Cynicism.HesaidnotoHerod’smockingdemand,“ShowusasignthatyouaretheSonofGod.”(Luke23:8-9).

• Manipulation.HesaidnotoPeterandthediscipleswhohadan inappropriateagendaforJesustoapoliticalkingormilitarywarriorratherthanasacrificial lamb.(Matthew16:23).

• Pride.Hedidn’thealthosewhoweretooproudtotrustHim(Matthew13:58).JesusTaughtusExamplesofhowtobeSettingBoundaries• PersonalPrayerTime:“Butwhenyoupray,gointoyourroom,closethedoorandpraytoyourFather,whoisunseen”(Matthew6:6).

37

• Be Honest and Direct (Don’t Pressure People or Try to Get Them to DoThings):“Simplyletyour‘Yes’be‘Yes,’andyour‘No,’ ‘No’;anythingbeyondthiscomesfromtheevilone”(Matthew5:37).

• SetPriorities:“Noservantcanservetwomasters.Eitherhewillhatetheoneandlovetheother,orhewillbedevotedtotheoneanddespisetheother”(Luke16:13).

• PleaseGod,NotPeople:“Howcanyoubelieve ifyouacceptpraisefromoneanother,yetmakenoefforttoobtainthepraisethatcomesfromtheonlyGod?”(John5:44).

• ObeyGod:“Whatdoyouthink?Therewasamanwhohadtwosons.Hewenttothefirstandsaid,‘Son,goandworktodayinthevineyard.’‘Iwillnot,’heanswered,butlaterhechangedhismindandwent.Thenthe fatherwent to theothersonandsaid thesamething.Heanswered, ‘Iwill,sir,’buthedidnotgo.Whichofthetwodidwhathisfatherwanted?”“’Thefirst,’theyanswered”(Matthew21:28-31).

RelationSLIPSPartSix:CrucialConversationsByRemyDiederich

Outline:

1. Acrucialconversationinvolves:highstakes,strongemotions,differingopinions.2. Whenconversationsturncrucialweareoftenonourworstbehavior.3. Relationship Principle #7: You prevent and overcome relationslipswhen you are

abletosuccessfullyhandlecrucialconversations.

SevenStepsforHandlingCrucialConversations

1. Gototheperson.Matthew5:23,24,18:152. Puttherelationshipfirst.Ephesians4:3,Romans12:18,John17:213. Expandthepoolofknowledge.4. Makeitsafe.Galatians6:1

o Lookforsignsoffear:pleasing,punishing,pullingawayo Becurious,notcondemning.o Admityourfaultso Listen.James1:19

5. Stateyourcase:whereyouagreeanddisagree.6. Movetoadecisionornextstep.7. Circlebacktoreaffirmyourconversationandcommitments.

38

Message

Over the past few weeks we’ve been looking at how to prevent and overcomerelationSLIPS.Ifyouhaven’tbeenhere,RelationSLIPSaretheunfortunatethingswedoandsaythatundermineourrelationships.Wealldothem.Butthereasonwearespendingsomuch time on them is becausewe are God’s representatives – his ambassadors here onearthandwewanttorepresentGodthebestwecanbylovingpeoplethebestwecan.

Now,there’sonemoretopicwehaven’ttalkedaboutinthisseriesandthat’sconflict.Someof our biggest relationSLIPS come from mishandling conflict. Wouldn’t you agree? Onewriterputitlikethis:

Speakwhenyouareangryandyouwillmakethebestspeechyouwilleverregret.AMBROSEBIERCE

Ithinkmostofuscanrelatetothat!

Youknow,ifwearegoingtolearnhowtodealwithconflict,thefirstthingwehavetodoisacceptthatithappens:Conflicthappens.Everyday.Allthetime.Youcantrytoavoidit,butyoucan’tescapeit.Unlessyoucanfindagroupofpeoplethatareexactlylikeyou,youwillhave conflict. And so we would all be a lot better off if we just accepted that fact andlearnedhowtohandleit.

TheBibleisfullofconflict.Wearen’texemptfromconflictjustbecauseweloveJesus.TheapostlePaultellsofatimewhenhegotinafightwithPeter.

ThebackstoryisthatPaulhadstartedachurchinthetownofAntioch.Upuntilthen,onlyJews followed Jesus. But Paul welcomed non-Jews to his church. The church leadersweren’tsosurethatwaskosher,literally,sotheysentateamofpeopletoinvestigate.

Paultellsaboutitinoneofhisletters:

WhenPetercametoAntioch,Ihadtoopenlyopposehimbecausehewascompletelywrong.He atewith peoplewhowere not Jewish until somemen James had sent⌊from Jerusalem⌋ arrived. Then Peter drew back and would not associate withpeoplewhowerenotJewish.Hewasafraidofthosewhoinsistedthatcircumcisionwasnecessary.TheotherJewishChristiansalsojoinedhiminthishypocrisy.EvenBarnabaswassweptalongwiththem.Galatians2:11-13

InthebookofActsitmentionsthisencounterandcallsita“fiercedispute.”IlookeduptheGreek for those two words and it’s also translated, “insurrection”! So we are talking aseriousconflict.Theymighthaveevenbeendukingitout!ActsalsomentionsthatPaulgotinafightwithBarnabas:

PaulandBarnabasdisagreedsosharplythattheypartedways.Acts15:39

39

ThatmusthavebeenaroughmonthforPaul.

Mypoint here is simply that conflict is going to happen…evenwith the best people…themostgodlypeople.I’mmean,PeterandPaul…itdoesn’tgetanybetterthanthat.ButtheystillhadtheirrelationSLIPS.

SowhatcanItellyouinthenexttwentyminutesthatcanhelpyoumanageconflict?

Last year the church staff went through a helpful book called Crucial Conversations. Itdefinedacrucial conversationasadiscussionbetween twoormorepeoplewhereThereare (1) high stakes, that is, it involves the risk of losing something valuable (2) strongemotionsand(3)differingopinions.Whenthosethreethingsareinplaceyoushouldbeonhigh alert because your conversation could get heated in a hurry, and when things getheated,that’swhenyoumakerelationSLIPS.

That’swhymanypeopleavoidcrucialconversationsalltogether.Theybackawaybecausetheyfearthey’llmakethingsworse.Thebooksays:

We’vebecomemastersatavoidingtoughconversations.Coworkerssende-mail toeachotherwhentheyshouldwalkdownthehallandtalkturkey.Bossesleavevoicemailinlieuofmeetingwiththeirdirectreports.Familymemberschangethesubjectwhenanissuegetstoorisky.

Ontheotherhand, ifwechoosetohavetheconversationweoften failmiserably. In fact,when conversationsmatter themost— that is,when conversationsmove from casual tocrucial—thebooksayswe’regenerallyonourworstbehavior.Thinkaboutthat:whenyouand I need tobe at ourbest,we areoften at ourworst.Whenweneed tobringour “A”game,weplayourworstgame.

Thebookdescribeswhathappensindetail.Seeifyoucanrelate:

…consider a typical crucial conversation. Someone says something you disagreewithaboutatopicthatmattersagreatdealtoyouandthehairsonthebackofyourneckstandup.Thehairsyoucanhandle.Unfortunately,yourbodydoesmore.Twotiny organs seated neatly atop your kidneys pump adrenaline into yourbloodstream.Youdon’t choose todo this.Youradrenalglandsdo it, and thenyouhavetolivewithit.

And that’s not all. Your brain then diverts blood from activities it deemsnonessential to high-priority tasks such as hitting and running [the fight or flightsyndrome].Unfortunately,asthelargemusclesofthearmsandlegsgetmoreblood,the higher-level reasoning sections of your brain get less. As a result, you endupfacingchallengingconversationswiththesameintellectualequipmentavailabletoarhesusmonkey…

40

Let’s add another factor. Crucial conversations are frequently spontaneous. Moreoften than not, they come out of nowhere. And since you’re caught by surprise,you’re forced to conduct an extraordinarily complex human interaction in realtime— no books, no coaches, and certainly no short breaks while a team oftherapistsrunstoyouraidandpumpsyoufullofniftyideas…Weareourownworstenemy.

Doesthatsoundfamiliar?Buthere’sthedeal;yoursuccessinlifeisdirectlyrelatedtoyourability tohave theseconversations.Yoursuccessatwork,with friends,withyourspouseand children, with honoring God…they all depend on your ability to have crucialconversations.

SohereisRelationshipPrinciple#7:Youpreventandovercomerelationslipswhenyouareabletosuccessfulhandlecrucialconversations.

The book says that when people are trained in crucial conversation skills, three thingshappen: they double their chance of happiness and staying in the relationship. Theyincreasetheirimmunesystem,whichmeanstheyaresickless.Andtheylivelonger.

Now, unfortunately, the Bible doesn’t have a chapter on crucial conversations. Paulprobably could have used a chapter like that. So I pulled together seven steps based onJesus’ teaching, Paul’s teaching, the bookCrucialConversations, andmy own experience.Honestly,I’velearnedalotfrommakingmistakes.I’mhopingyoucanbesavedfromsomeofmycrucialconversationfailures.So,let’sgetpracticalandseeifthesestepscanhelpus.

Thefirststepistosimplygotothepersonwithwhomyouhaveconflict.Now,Irealizetherearealwaysexceptions.Forexample,ifyourconflictiswithanabusiveperson.That’sanexception.Butinmorecasesthannot,Jesuswantsustogototheperson.

That’swhatJesusdidwithus,right?WewereatoddswithGodandJesuscametous.Weare going to celebrate thatwith communion at the end of thismessage. Jesus set us anexampleandthat’swhyhesaid:

Ifabelieverdoessomethingwrong,go,confronthimwhenthetwoofyouarealone.Ifhelistenstoyou,youhavewonbackthatbeliever.Matthew18:15

Ifsomeonehasdonesomethingwrong,youneedtogotothem.ButJesussaidthereversetoo,ifsomeonehassomethingagainstyou,youstillneedtogotothem:

…ifyouareofferingyourgiftatthealtarandremembertherethatanotherbelieverhassomethingagainstyou,leaveyourgiftatthealtar.Firstgoandmakepeacewiththatperson.Matthew5:23,24

Butwedon’t like doing that, dowe? In ourmind,we can’t have an honest conversationwithouthurtingtheotherperson,orbeinghurtourselves,sowetakeapass.

41

ButasGod’speopleit’sourjobtomodeltotheworldwhatGodhasdone.Yousee,thisisn’ta matter of what you feel like doing. You have a responsibility to represent God to theworldbymakingpeace.Jesusmadetheefforttocometousandmakepeace.Sothat’sourjobaswell:modelingpeace-makingprinciplestotheworld.

Myguessisthattherearemanyofuswhoneedtogotosomeonetoresolveaconflict.Now,becarefulwiththetiming.Don’tcontactthepersonuntilyou’vethoughtthisthrough.Butsometimebetweentodayandtheendoftheyearyou’regoingtowanttositdownandclearthe air. And just so you know…I’ve got one of these conversations thisweek. I really dopracticewhatIpreach!

Here’sthesecondstep:Puttherelationshipfirst.Neverlosesightofthat.UnityisattheheartofGod.Jesusprayedforusandsaid:

Father,mighttheybeoneasweareone.John17:21

AndPaulwrotetoachurchtellingthemthattheyshould:

…makeeveryefforttokeeptheunityoftheSpirit.Ephesians4:3

Inanotherletterhesaid:

Asmuchasitisuptoyou,beatpeacewithallpeople.Romans12:18,

Thegoalofacrucialconversationisn’ttoprovetheotherpersonwrong,ortogetthemtothinklikeyou.Thegoalisn’ttoshamethem.Thegoalistoclarifyamisunderstanding,getback on the samepage, and preserve the relationship – if at all possible. It’s not alwayspossiblebutweneedtoatleastmaketheeffort.

The third step is to Expand the Pool of knowledge. I got this phrase from the book,Crucial Conversations. I like theword picture.When two people disagree they have twopoolsofknowledgethatareseeminglyatoddswitheachother.Lookatthegraphic.Wegointo these conversations fearing that our pool will be eliminated…that we will lose ourpool,orifourpoolwins,we’lllosetherelationship.

But the goal shouldn’t be YOUR way or MY way but a BETTER way through dialogue.Ratherthanseeingtheotherpersonasathreat,whynotseetheotherperson’sviewasaway toexpandyourknowledge?Maybe theirviewwillenhanceyourview,notnegate it.Maybebycombiningyourthoughtsyou’llcomeoutwithmore,notless.Ifwetookamorepositiveapproachwewouldn’tfearconflictsomuch.

Thefourthstepistomakeitsafe.I’msuretheapostlePaulhadplentyoftimetoreflectonhisconflictwithPeterandBarnabasandmaybethat’swhyhewrotethesewordslater:

42

Brothersandsisters,ifapersongetstrappedbywrongdoing,thoseofyouwhoarespiritualshouldhelpthatpersonturnawayfromdoingwrong.Doitinagentleway.Atthesametimewatchyourselfsothatyoualsoarenottempted.Galatians6:1

AsPaulgotolder,Ithinkhelearnedhowtoconfrontpeoplewithmoregrace.

Paulpaintsapictureofcomingalongsidesomeonetohelpthem,notjustcorrectthem.Butthat’snotwhatweenvisionwithacrucialconversation,isit?Weexpectafight.Weexpectawinneranda loser.And itdoesn’t feelsafe.Forexample, ifyouhavea teenagedaughter,shemightbeafraidtotalktoyoubecauseShe’sconvincedshe’llbelectured,grounded,andcutofffromtheonlyguywhoseemstocareabouther.

Sowhatcanyoudotomakeyourconversationssafe?Letmegiveyouafewideas:

Lookforsignsof fear.AfewweeksagoImentionedthatwhenpeoplefeelinsecuretheydo one of three things: they punish, they please, or they pull away. When you see thishappeningthatmeanstheotherpersondoesn’tfeelsafe.Theyareinprotectionmode,notcommunicationmode.So,don’tcriticizethem,respondin,whatPaulcalled,“agentleway.”

So,becurious,notcondemning.Ratherthantellingthemhowtheyarewrong,saythingslike:

“Helpmeunderstand.”

“Tellmewhatyou’rethinking.”

“Helpmeseewhatyousee.”

Andpromiseyourself thatyouwon’tuse inflammatorywords; that is:wordsthatbelittlethe other person or disrespects them. That only throws gas on the fire. Solomon put sowell:

Agentleanswerturnsawaywrath.Proverbs15:1

That’s great counsel. I’ve seen this to be true so often. A gentle answer calms everyonedown.

Anotherthingyoucandoisbequicktoadmityourfaults.Ifpeoplebringupsomethingyoudidtooffendthem,don’tdiginyourheals.Ownitandasktheirforgiveness.Whathaveyougottolose,exceptmaybesomepride.Whentheyseethatyouarewillingtoadmityourfailure they’ll realize that it’snotawitchhunt.Thatyouare truly seeking tounderstandthem.

Thebestthingyoucandotomakeitsafeisjustlisten.TheapostleJamessaiditwell.

Bequicktolistenandslowtospeak.James1:19

43

Youwanttodrawthemoutandlisteningdoesthat.Remember,youaretryingtoincreasethepoolofknowledge,notprovethemwrong.Sosaythingslike,

“Canyoutellmemoreaboutthat?”

“Canyougivemeanexample?”

“LetmeseeifIhavethisright.”

“Yousaidyouarefine,butyoudon’tlookfine.What’sreallygoingon?”

IknowthetemptationistoNOTdrawthemout.Youwanttogetthemtohurryupsoyoucantalk.Butthatdoesn’tfeelsafe.

Whenpeople see that you are trying tomake it safe andnot justwin, theywill let theirguarddownandyoucanhavearealconversation.

Okay,thefifthstepistoStateyourcase.Letmesharealittlegraphicwithyouthathasbeenhelpfultome.This isagraphoftheintensityofemotionsomeonehassharingtheirangerwithyou.Whendothinkisthebesttimetostateyourcase?Assoonastheystarttoventorwhentheyaredoneventing?Righthere,whentheyaredone.Nothere,whentheyjustgetstarted.

If you interrupt them in the beginning that will only make them madder, which willincreasetheemotionandthetimetheyvent.Badmove!Infact,whentheythinktheyaredone, you should ask them for the last 10%.Most people hold back themost importantstuff.Soyouhavetoaskforit,like,“Isthereanythingelseyouwantedtotellmethatyou’veheldbacksofar?”There’salwayssomething.

When the “air is all out of theballoon” that’swhen it’s your turn to talk.NOW theywilllistentowhatyouhavetosay.Beforethat,theyaremoreinterestedinwhatTHEYhavetosay. Butwaiting requires a lot of patience anddiscipline andhumility on your part! Buthere’sthegoodnews:Godwantsyoutomakepeaceandsohewillgiveyouwhatyouneedtomakeithappen.Thequestionis:willyoureceivewhathewantstogiveyou?

Startbytellingthemwhatyoucanagreewith.Thenmentionyourareaofdisagreementinawaythatdoesn’tmakethemlookbad.Nodigs.Nosarcasm.Noexaggerations.Justthefactsplusyourdesiretocleartheair.

Six, Move to a decision. But be careful here. Don’t fool yourself into thinking that youreached a decision just because you had a crucial conversation. Some of Lisa and mybiggest arguments came AFTER we had a good talk because we never agreed on theoutcome.Webothleftthetalkthinkingweagreed.

44

But in reality, we left with two different expectations and we paid for it later. When asituationcameupthatwetalkedabout,IwouldcatchLisadoing/notdoingwhatIthoughtweagreedon.Andshe’dsaid,“Weneveragreed.WeTALKEDaboutit,butwenevercametoanagreement.YoujustassumedIagreedwithyou.”Dang.Shewasright.IDIDassumesheagreedwithme.Imean,mywaywasthebestway!OrsoIthought.

So,makeadecisionthatyoucanbothlivewith.Ifyoucan’t,determinethenextsteps.Doyouneedmoretime?Moreinformation?Doessomeoneneedtodecideforyou?Don’tforceadecisionifyoucan’tagree.Sometimesmenthinktheyhavetherighttomakethedecision.Idon’tagree.Ifyoucan’tagreethatmeansyouneedtotalkmore,praymore,etc.untilyoudiscussananswer.Butatleastagreeonanextstep.

Finally, circle back to reaffirm your conversation and commitments. I’ve seen ithappenoverandover:youfeelgoodwalkingaway,butwithinthehouryourmindfillswithdoubt and you start to questionwhat just took place. Your lack of trust for the persondestroyseverythingyoujustworkedtoachieve.Soit’ssmarttotalktothemthenextdayjusttoaffirmwhatwassaid.

Now,youmightthinkthissoundslikework.Yes,itis.Butthat’sthepriceofunity.Jesushadtodietocreateunitywithus.Wealsoneedtomakeagreatefforttomakepeace.Soyes,crucial conversations are hard, but they arewhatwe need to do and God ismore thanhappytogiveusthegracetodeveloptheseskillsbecausehewantsustomakepeacewitheachother.

Nowwearegoingtocelebratecommunion.AsyoucomeforwardIwantyoutobethinkingaboutthepeopleinyourlifethatyouneedtogoto,tomakepeace.

Prayer:Father,yousettheexampleforusbysendingJesustomakepeacewithus.Showuswhomyouwantustocontact,whenitshouldhappen,andhowtomakeithappen.Workinusthecharacterittakestomakepeacewitheveryonewepossiblycan.Amen.

GoingDeeper:usethefollowingquestionsforpersonalreflectionand/ortodiscusswithyourfamily,friendsorsmallgroup.

1. Do you hate conflict?Why orwhy not? Are there past encounters that scare youawayfromconfrontations?

2. Whatwoulditsayaboutusiftherewasneveranyconflict?3. What are the benefits of healthy conflict?What can gowrongwhen people avoid

healthyconflict?4. Whatarethethreeaspectsofacrucialconversation?Thatis,whatmakesitcrucial?5. Remy said thatwe are often on ourworst behavior during crucial conversations.

Whyisthat?6. Whatisthebiggestfearinhavingacrucialconversation?7. Reviewthesevenstepstohandlingcrucialconversations.Whichstepsdoyouoften

miss?Whathappenswhenyoudo?Howcanyoumakesureyoudon’tmisstheminthefuture?

45

8. Whoarethepeopleinyourlifewithwhomyouneedtohaveacrucialconversation?AskGodforwisdom,grace,andtimingtoreachouttothem.

RelationSLIPSPartSeven:HelpingtheHurtingByRemyDiederichOutline:Youcan’thelppeopleunlessyouwintheirtrust:1.Listenwithoutanydistractions.2.Dialintotheiremotion(fearoflosingcontroland/orrespect).3.Don’tshareclichés,eveniftheyarefromtheBible.4.Don’tcorrectthem,eveniftheyneedcorrecting.5.Askpeoplewhatkindofspacetheyneedtoprocesstheirpain.6.Affirmyourcommitmenttostandwiththem.7.Offertohelpinaspecificway.MessageOverthelastsixweekswe’vebeenlookingathowtopreventandovercomeRelationSLIPS.RelationSLIPS are those unwise thingswe do and say that undermine our relationships.We’velookedatanumberofwaysweslipup.TodayIwanttofinishtheseriesbylookingathowweoftenslipupwithhurtingpeople.I’mthinkingofthosepeopleweencounterwhojustexperiencedagreatloss,likeadivorce,orajob,orbadnewsfromthedoctor,orthedeathofalovedone.Inanefforttobehelpful,it’stooeasytoputourfootinourmouthandaddtopeople’spaininsteadofhelpingthem.There’s a classic story in the Bible that talks about this. It’s in the book of Job. TragedystruckJobandhelostallhisanimals,allhisservants,andallhischildren…inoneday.Whenthathappened,theBibletellsus:Jobgotupandtorehisrobeandshavedhishead.Thenhefelltothegroundinworshipandsaid:

“NakedIcamefrommymother’swomb,andnakedIwilldepart.TheLORDgaveandtheLORDhastakenaway;maythenameoftheLORDbepraised.”Inallthis,JobdidnotsinbychargingGodwithwrongdoing.Job1:20-22

His responsewas amazing, but things gotworse.His bodywas attackedwith boils fromheadtotoe.ThenJobtookapieceofbrokenpotteryandscrapedhimselfwithitashesatamongtheashes.Hiswifesaidtohim,

46

“Areyoustillmaintainingyour integrity?CurseGodanddie!”Hereplied,“Youaretalkinglikeafoolishwoman.ShallweacceptgoodfromGod,andnottrouble?”Inallthis,Jobdidnotsininwhathesaid.Job2:7-10

Again,hisresponsewasamazing.Thenhisthreefriendsenterthestory.WhenJob’sthreefriends,EliphaztheTemanite,BildadtheShuhiteandZophartheNaamathite,heardaboutallthetroublesthathadcomeuponhim,theysetoutfromtheir homes andmet together by agreement to go and sympathizewith him andcomforthim.Whentheysawhimfromadistance,theycouldhardlyrecognizehim;they began toweep aloud, and they tore their robes and sprinkled dust on theirheads.Then theysaton thegroundwithhim forsevendaysandsevennights.Noonesaidawordtohim,becausetheysawhowgreathissufferingwas.Job2:11-13

Thisisagreatpictureofcomfort.Job’sfriendsfollowedthetraditionalJewishcustomsformourning. They cried, showing their compassion. They sat with him covered in dust,showing their solidarity, and keeping quiet without trying to fix him. But just when itlooked like the perfect picture of comfort, it allmelted down. Chapter 3 startswith thisverse.

Afterthis,Jobopenedhismouthandcursedthedayofhisbirth.Job3:1

Jobgoesontocomplainingreatdetailaboutthedayhewasborn.Thenhesays:Whyislightgiventothoseinmisery,andlifetothebitterofsoul,tothosewholongfordeaththatdoesnotcome,whosearchforitmorethanforhiddentreasure,whoare filled with gladness and rejoice when they reach the grave? For sighing hasbecomemydailyfood;mygroanspouroutlikewater.WhatIfearedhascomeuponme;what Idreadedhashappened tome. Ihavenopeace,noquietness; Ihavenorest,butonlyturmoil.Job3:20-26

Youknow,there’ssomethingweneedtounderstandaboutpeoplewhohavesufferedloss,andthatisthattheyaren’tintheirrightmind.That’snotacriticism.WhatImeanis:theyaredisoriented.They’velosttheirbearings.Theirworldisupsidedown.It’sliketheyweresittingona four-leggedchairandsomeonekickedoutoneof the legs.They’vesufferedalossandtheyaredesperatelytryingtoreorientthemselves,tryingtoregaincontrol.Sogiventhat,youhavetoexpect themtodoandsaysomethings thatdon’tmakesense.You have to give them space to vent their feelings without correcting them. But this iswheremostofusmakearelationSLIPbecausewedon’tknowhowtohandlesomeoneinpain.Wefeelresponsibletosaysomething,butweoftensaythewrongthing.That’swhatJob’sthreefriendsdid.Theystartedoutwell,but for thenext thirtychapters, theyarguewith JobaboutwhyhemustbeatfaultforallhislossandJobarguesback.It’squitethedrama.I’llletyougohomeandread it foryourself. In theend,God finallyhasenoughof theirbickeringandspeakswisdomtothem.

47

Sohowcanwelearnfromthissowedon’ttreatourfriendslikeJob’sfriendstreatedhim?Iwanttogiveyousevenpracticalstepstotakewhenyouencounterahurtingperson,seventhingstohelpwintheirtrust.You see, when a person is hurting, they are in survival mode, meaning, they only haveenoughenergytoengagewithsomeonewhocanofferthemlifesupport.Soifyouwanttohelp,youneedtoprovethatyoucanbetrustedwiththeirpain.Ifyoufailtowintheirtrust,theymightjustshutyouout.Sothefirstthingyouwanttodoislistenwithoutanydistractions.Givethemyourfullattention.Don’tansweryourphoneifitrings.Don’tcheckyourwatch.Don’thavetheTVonin the background. Don’t let your kids interrupt. If you can’t listen without thesedistractions,apologizeandsetupatimewhenyoucan.Thesecondthingyoucando isdial into theiremotion.LikeIsaidbefore,thehurtingpersonisn’tthinkingstraight.Theyarehighlyemotionalandoftenirrational.That’snotabadthing.It’sjusttheirreality.Butsincewehaven’tsufferedtheirloss,wetendtospeaktothem on a non-emotional, rational level, meaning…we start talking solutions when theyaren’tlookingforsolutions.Mosthusbandshaveexperiencedthis.Thehusbandoffers“helpful”advicetohiswife,andthewifesays,“Don’ttrytofixme.”Soparkyourhelpfuladviceatthedoorandthinkaboutwhat’sbehindtheiremotion.Mostdeephurtcomesfrombeinginvalidatedbysomeoneorlosing control. Think about a divorce or losing your job. Both are true. The person feelsworthlessforbeingrejectedandtheythinkthey’velostcontroloftheirfuture.Sofeartakesover.Theystartthinkingofalltheworst-casescenarios.Theydon’tthinktheyaregoingtomakeit. Ifyoucandial intothisfearandappreciatewhattheyarefeeling,you’llbemoresensitivewithyourwords.(I’mtalkingaboutempathyhere.)Insteadofofferingadvice,youcanhelpthemexploretheirfeelings.Youcansaythingslike,“Howdoyoufeelaboutthat?”“Ibetthatmakesyouwonderaboutyourfuture,”or,“Thatsounds like a scary place to be.” They’ll look at you and think, Wow, they understand.You’veprovenyourselftobeasafefriendwhoisn’touttojudgeorcorrectthem.Next, don’t share clichés, even if they are from the Bible. We need to resist thetemptationtobringaquickfixtotheirproblemwithacliché.Youreallyhavetobiteyourtonguebecausetheyjustpopintoyourmind.Takealookatsomeofthese:It’sallapartofGod’splan…Godwon’tgiveyouanymorethanyoucanhandle…There’sareasonforeverything…YouneedtojustletgoandletGod…Whensomeonedies,wemightsay,Godtakesthepeoplehelovesthemost...Godneededanotherangel...Theyareinabetterplacenow…

48

Itdoesn’tmatterthatyourintentionsaregood.Whattheyhearyousayingisthattheirhurtissuchaminorthingthatyoursimplisticclichécanfixit.Ortheyhearthattheirpainisn’tthat big of a deal to God. That’s why he allowed it. No one likes to have their paindiminished.There’saninterestingstoryaboutJesusthattellsusjusttheopposite.Lazarushadjustdiedandhis sister,Mary, came tocomplain to Jesusabout letting ithappen. Jesusdidn’tofferMary any clichés, he just wept with her even though he knew that within the next fewminuteshewouldraiseLazarusbacktolife.Hecouldhavesaid,Mary,don’tworry.It’sallgood. I’m going to fix this in aminute. But instead, he validated the pain of her loss bycryingwithherbeforeheencouragedher.That’swhatwewanttodo:validatetheirpainbeforewetrytofixit.Mynextpointhereis,don’tcorrectthem,eveniftheyneedcorrecting.Don’ttellthemnot to be angry or they need to forgive. It’s too soon for that.Don’t tell themwhen youthink they should be over their loss. That’s for them to decide. If their loss is due tosomethingtheydidwrong,don’taskthemwhytheydidit.Forexample,imaginemyfriendcomestomeandtellsmethathelosthisjob.SoIaskhowthathappenedandhe says thathe came intoworkdrunk threedays in a row.And I go,What?Whatwereyouthinking?Whywouldyoudothat?Now,Irealizethatit’sanhonestquestionthatyouwanttoknow.Butitonlymakeshimfeelbad.Yousee,healreadyknowsthathescrewedup.I’mjustaddingsalttohiswound.Sohe’sprobablygoingtowalkawayandIjustlostmychancetospeakintohislife.Now,oneofthereasonsit’shardtonotshareadviceisbecausesomepeopleaskforit inrhetoricalways.They’llsaythingslike,“WhatamIgoingtodonow?”Andwemistakethatfora realquestion thatwe’re supposed toanswer,whichwearemore thanhappy todobecausewehavesuchagreatanswer!Butdon’tbefooled.It’snotatruequestion.It’sjustabackwardsway of saying, “I’m doomed. All is lost.My lifewill never be good again.” Orsomeonemightsay, “Yougotta tellmewhat todo!”Don’tgetsucked into that.Tell themthatnow’snotthebesttimeforthat.Youcantalksolutionslater.Yousee, theiremotionsare toorawtobe teachable.Orpeopleoftenbeat themselvesup,saying,“Ican’tbelieveIdidthat.Thatwassostupidofme.”Peoplesaythatfishingtoseeifyou agree. Don’t take the bait because if you agree, it could crush them. So, instead ofagreeingwiththemandusingthatasanentrypointtocorrectthem,Whynotsay,“Don’tletyourmistakedefineyou.”Hereareafewotherthingsweoftensaythatsoundhelpful,butaren’t:Iknowjusthowyoufeel...Letmetellyouaboutwhathappenedtome...Well,atleast…like,ifyourfriendjusthadamiscarriage… Well,atleastyoustillhaveanotherchild.Itcouldbeworse.Don’tcry.

49

Iknowwemeanwell,butthesewordsdon’thelp.Fifth,askpeoplewhatkindofspacetheyneedtoprocesstheirpain.Somepeoplewantashouldertocryon.Somepeoplewanttobeleftalone.Onephilosopherputitlikethis:

“Loveistakingafewstepsback,maybeevenmore.”WinniethePoohWehavetoknowhowtoreadpeople,oratleastaskthemwhattheyneed.Didyouknowthatmostpeoplewhosufferamajorlossstopattendingchurchorchangechurches?Thisused to really bother me because it’s during a loss that they need support. But then itdawned on me that, of course, who wants to come to church and answer everyone’squestionsabouttheirloss?Ifyouarehurting,youjustwanttositinthebackrowandsoakitin,nothavetoanswer20questions fromeverypersonyoubumpinto. Ifyouseesomeoneatchurchwhohasgonethrough a loss, be careful what you say. Don’t avoid them. But don’t overwhelm themeither.Smileatthem.Letthemknowthatit’sgoodtoseethem.Butrespecttheirspace.Ifyoudon’tknowwhattosay,askthemwhatwouldhelpthemthemost.Sixth,Affirmyourcommitment tostandwiththem.Whenyouarehurting,youfeelsoalone.That’swhyGodtoldhispeople,“Iwillneverleaveyouorforsakeyou.”That’swhatweneedtohear fromeachothertoo.You’renotalone. I’mwithyou in this. Iwon’twalkaway.Wedon’texpectanswers.Butwedohopethatpeoplewillstandwithus.WhatIoftenhearback frompeople is howhurt theywerewhennoone followedupwith themaftertheirloss.Theirfriendswerethereinthebeginning,butthenit’slikepeoplelostinterest.Lifemovedon.Iunderstandthat.Ourlivesarebusy.Butwhatifwesetsomeremindersonourcalendarstocheckinwithpeople.Ibetwe’veallhadsomeonefalloffourradar.Whatifweallmadeapointtocheckinwiththemthisweek,maybeeventoday?Finally, offer to help in a specific way. Sometimes we say, “Just call me if there isanythingIcando.”Thatsoundsnice,butnoonewilltakeadvantageofthatoffer.Doyouknow why? Because you just gave them another job to do…another responsibility. Youwanttorelievehurtingpeopleofresponsibility,notaddtoit.Whenever there is a death in a family, I always feel so bad for the family. They aredevastated.Theydon’tknowwhichendisup.Buttheyhavetofindhousingforrelatives.Theyhavetomakedecisionsaboutthefuneralandarrangementsforfood.Italmostseemscruel tome toput them in that position.But it’s sohelpfulwhen someone stepsup andofferstoruninterferenceinsomeway.Sowhensomeoneishurting,thinkaboutwhatyou’dwantsomeonetodoforyou.Foodisnice,butfromwhatIhear,peopleusuallygetoverwhelmedwithfood.Whynotmowtheirlawn, or clean their house for them?Whynot offer to shuttle the kids to school and thedoctor’s office? (If you know themwell and they trust you.) Ormaybe go shopping forthem?

50

Now,we’veprobablyallsaidthewrongthingatsometime.IknowIhave.Lotsoftimes!Sodon’tgohomefeelingallguilty.Youmightneedtoapologizetosomeoneforwhatyousaid.But my main reason to talk about this is to help you in the future. God wants to sendcomforttothehurtingandmostoftenhedoesthatthroughus.Wecanhaveapowerfulroleinpeople’slivesifwefollowtheseguidelines.Wecanbeahealingforce.Sohere’smylastRelationshipPrinciple:Youpreventandovercomerelationslipswhenyouarecarefultowinthetrustofhurtingpeople.Well, that wraps up this series. I hope you found it helpful. I hope that all of ourrelationshipsarebetter,andwerepresentChristbetterbecausewetookthetimetostudytherelationshipprinciplesofJesus.Prayer:Father,helpustoapplytheseprinciplestoourlivessopeoplewillseeyourloveinus.AmenGoingDeeper:usethefollowingquestionsforpersonalreflectionand/ortodiscusswithfamily,friends,andsmallgroup.1.ThestoryofJob(locatedinfrontoftheBookofPsalmsintheBible)ishighdrama.Readthefirstthreechapterstounderstandthisfamousstory.2.Shareatimewhenyousaidthewrongthingtosomeonethatwashurting.Whywasitthewrongthing?Whatcouldyouhavedonedifferently?3. Share a timewhen someone said thewrong thing to you.What could theyhavedonedifferently?4.Listavarietyofhurts(death,divorce,miscarriage,etc).Nowthinkthroughtheemotionsassociatedwitheachhurt.Doyouthinkthelossofcontrolandrespectarerelatedtotheseemotions?Howso?5.Howcanahighlyrationalpersonadjusttospeaktosomeoneinahighlyemotionalstate?6.ReadGalatians6:1-5.Paul is specifically speakingaboutpeople caught in sin,buthowcanhiswordsapplytohelpingthehurtingaswell?7. Everyone is different. Think about what you needed the last time you were hurting.Compareitwithothersinyourgrouptoappreciateyourdifferences.8.GodpromiseshispeopleinDeuteronomy31:6thathewillnotforsakethem.Aretherepeoplethathave“fallenoffyourradar”thatyouneedtocontactthisweek?9.Considerthecategoriesofhurtfromquestion#4.Whataresomepracticalwaysyoucanofferhelptopeopleinthesesituations?