Pilgrim Reflections of the St. Ignatius Way, by Kathryn (Martin) Gilbert, 2015

When I first thought of registering for the pilgrimage my adult children said “Go have your adventure”. My medical doctor also approved, as walking is known to be beneficial for lowering cholesterol and overcoming anxiety, both of which I suffer from. For myself, I was aware that that my spiritual health needed some attention. Having completed an eight-week introduction to the spiritual exercises, I was hopeful that this pilgrimage would extend that positive experience. I can testify that all three expectations were achieved. It was the adventure my children had hoped for me, and it did prove to have both medical and spiritual rewards!

The adventure was physical, social, emotional and spiritual. Physically I discovered the amazing natural beauty of places I had never seen before and overcame the demands I placed upon my body. The social aspect enabled bonding with a fantastic group of people as we walked the Camino and shared the load of conquering the challenges placed upon ourselves, physically and spiritually. The spiritual adventure was about discovering God’s voice in the silence of our two hours of meditation in the morning; and coming to an in-depth understanding of St. Ignatius as we walked “the way”.

In regard to the anxiety, I noticed that after about 10 days of walking, being meditative and learning to live in the moment, the chatter in my head had quietened. At this point I realized that this chatter was a blockage to hearing the whisper of Yahweh in my life. This was only the first of many enlightenments that I was to experience walking the pilgrimage, step by step! On the first night of all the pilgrims meeting together with Fr. Josep, we were asked why we had chosen to come. Right at that point I was aware of an intense emotion which I found difficult to contain and said that, “like a snake I wanted to shed my skin…I wanted to become a new person”. This was not something I had considered prior to the Camino. This was a thought that came to me literally in the moment and took me by surprise at

the intensity of what I was experiencing. I knew that not all was right with me in my relationships with family, friends and God. This was something I wanted to reflect upon and change, yet the way this was achieved was quite dramatically

different to what I imagined. The metaphor of a snake shedding its skin was to me only a kernel of understanding of what was to come. When I returned to my room and googled the actual process of the snake shedding its skin, this metaphor made much more sense for my month’s journey of transformation. A snake sheds its skin on a monthly basis to aide its physical growth and rid any bacteria and yet it needs to be healthy to do so. Whilst going through the shedding process the snake needs to be left alone with the necessary tools and minimal handling by its owner. Prior to shedding the skin, the snake becomes anxious, eyes dulled and “will become blue”. Things that prevent a complete shedding of the skin are trauma and ill health among other things. If the shedding is incomplete, the snake is immersed for a while in water within the right physical environment. Wow I thought! I was speaking to my transformation. I had no idea of what was to come, yet upon reflection this metaphor was exactly the process I was going to go through for the next month and more! I definitely turned up at the beginning of the Camino walk anxious, eyes dulled to

the way I was living and “blue” with quite a negative take on my life. The Camino did provide the conditions for the “complete shedding” to take place, of those things that were blocking my spiritual and personal growth. So, what is it about the Camino of St. Ignatius that leads to this transformation? From day one I was outside my comfort zone both on a physical and emotional level. The walk requires one to accept the company and support of those whom you have just met. Ivan Kordic in his book “How to discern Medjugorje?” states that the most fundamental form of prayer is to be open to all things. Without knowing it, I was learning this 1st fundamental form of prayer. I continued with this openness to being outside my comfort zone by “letting go” of having to know in detail what was happening the next day. I was going to trust that Josep our guide would let me know what was essential and the rest I would discover on the way. I opened myself up to hearing others’ reframing of my life story. It was not easy when it did not align with my take of it; yet after a while, I became aware that pride was stopping me from hearing the words given to me and therefore I could not grow whilst I held on to old beliefs. The role that Fr. Josep had within the St Ignatius experience was much more than ensuring that we did not fall by the way side of sometimes an unmarked route. He ensured that we were fed and had somewhere to sleep as well as the many other demands of attending to blisters and other medical needs of the group. His role went further with his amazing historical knowledge of St. Ignatius the person and Ignatius’s experiences as he transformed his life from one of power, wealth and glory to poverty and a dedication to serving Jesus. My experience was Fr. Josep’s invaluable role in gently prodding and challenging me to expand my horizons spiritually through the adaption of the spiritual exercises to the walk. We reflected on the joy of Jesus in our lives as we passed through breath taking scenery. . We walked in silence for four hours as we reflected on the way of the cross through Spain’s arid regions.

The experience took you well past an academic knowledge of St. Ignatius and became your lived experience. The experience of Monserrat where we learned that this was the place that St. Ignatius reflected upon his past life and wrote down all that he wanted to confess so he could leave the heaviness of his past life behind with The Lady of Monserrat and move on to the next phase of his life, provided a powerful template for my spiritual life to take home with me. As I literally followed the example of St. Ignatius through this exercise of reflecting on what I wanted to leave behind me, that was interfering in becoming a person who could serve Jesus better, I experienced the powerful spiritual and psychological benefits of this exercise that the walk was leading me through. I know that whilst we were contemplating Jesus carrying the cross through Jerusalem and all that led up to the time of his crucifixion, it was then a “lot of shedding” took place. I went to a dark place of anger and just wanted to ‘stomp’ on me and my sin. Yet the story is that Jesus died for my sin so that I may be free. I eventually came to that place in Monserrat where, like St. Ignatius, I wrote down the sins that I wanted to leave behind and left them at the cathedral of “Our Lady the black Madonna.” This experience of facing myself and what I was holding onto that blocked my relationship with God and others, was a hard place but a necessary place to be. The support and encouragement I received from others made it possible to embrace the transformation I was seeking.

The group that I walked with was also very much part of the spiritual exercise as you learnt to live in each other’s space and to accept warmth and kindnesses from people you did not know previously. I travelled with two friends on this trip and in normal life you do not live in each other’s space for 30 days, so it was still a similar experience with them. Josep’s manner of challenging me to take each day as it comes, by not supplying excessive amount of knowledge of the journey of the next day, yet enough to ensure you were prepared, assisted me to let go and trust that someone else could hold all the details for me. This was a spiritual learning experience of living in the moment and reflecting on the relationship I aspired to have with my Lord. I came home desiring more and the euphoria

of the walk lasted about a month before I noticed that it was starting to wane! Having said that, the desire to walk and meditate is still strong. I notice that I am more prayerful in my day to day life. My family are speaking their minds clearly to me which says that they now feel safe to do so. As a consequence, my transformation continues as the things that break the relationships are being revealed to me. I am experiencing greater peace and hope as the old wounds are revealed. My relationship with my daughters is becoming more honest and fulfilling, as we are now able to talk about what pains us and how to treat each other with greater respect and love. The healing process is both painful and beautiful. The consolation to this hard work that I am having to do, is that I am now in a position to mend those aspects that will restore relationships. I now have the courage to hear that which is difficult to listen to, something I struggled to do prior to the walk. The walk has given me courage to hear some truths about myself that I was hiding from and therefore did not address. Now I have the privilege of entering into deeper relationships than before and to continue transforming. I would like to inform you that I am still experiencing plenty of opportunities to practice humility, as my pride gets in the way (sigh!). Who knows one day I may have gained competency in practicing humility sufficiently enough without having to think about it!! I have come home enriched in new friendships, spiritual growth (which was a delight and hard work) and a new respect for St. Ignatius and his exercises. I have learnt some significant lessons that have been invaluable in supporting me at this point in my life, for which I am eternally grateful. I know I still have so much more to learn so my application for further

learning about the St. Ignatius spiritual exercises has been sent, and now it is about committing to a starting time. I know that this will be an exciting and exacting time as I will be asked to apply myself to prayer and meditation. Yet I look forward to the wonderment of what might be. I am amazed as to what is happening to me, I have to say. When I was at Manresa I had a very strong sense that I would be back but had no sense of how to achieve this, as leaving work and home for a length of time seemed so unachievable. I wait upon the Lord for his direction in timing. Very soon after her pilgrimage, a very aggressive breast cancer was found and Kathryn died one year after.

My girls have said I came back a different person from the Camino Ignaciano and I know that in all ways it set me up for the challenge of this moment. From sharing a room with someone who had overcome breast cancer twice to the acceptance of what is thrown at us is just what is, and trusting others to support and guide me. Thank you for enabling such vital lessons. I am doing ok. The fatigue gets the better of me sometimes which is why I have taken extended sick leave from work My digestion system also plays up after treatment which means I have to be close to a toilet... not much has changed!!! Apart from these annoyances, I am fine. Pilgrims love and blessings to you all. Kathryn