Chapter 10

The Nature of Intimate Relationships

IntimacySignificant emotional closeness that we

experience in a relationship—whether romantic or not.

Characteristics of Intimacy Requires Deep Commitment

Desire to remain in a relationship no matter what happens

Emotional Commitment○ Sense of responsibility for each other’s feelings

and emotional well-being

Social Commitment○ Motivates us to spend time together,

compromise, generous with praise, avoid petty conflict

Characteristics of Intimacy Commitment

Legal and Financial Commitments○ More formal expressions of obligations to

each other

Fosters InterdependenceWhat happens to one person affects

everyone else in the relationshipHigher level of interdependence than other

relationships

Characteristics of Intimacy Requires Continuous Investment

Commitment of a person’s energies and other resources—time, money, attention

We also expect to benefit from the investment

Cannot retrieve the resources if the rel. endsRomantic partners are happiest when both

feel they are investing in the rel. to the same degree

Intimacy Sparks Dialectical Tensions

Conflicts between important but opposing needs or desires• Autonomy vs. Connection

• Time spent alone vs. together

• Openness vs. Closedness• How much do you self-disclose vs. keep

private

• Predictability vs. Novelty• Desire for consistency vs. new experiences

Managing Dialectical Tensions Denial

Respond to one side of tension and ignore other

DisorientationEscape tension by ending the relationship

AlternationGo back and forth between two sides

SegmentationDeal with one part in certain aspects of the

rel. and other part in other aspects of rel.

Managing Dialectical Tensions Balance

Try to find a compromise or middle ground between the two

IntegrationStrategies to satisfy both sides of tension

simultaneously Recalibration

“Reframe” tension so that contradiction disappears (ex. They’re both important)

ReaffirmationEmbrace both tensions as normal

Comm. in Romantic Rels. 95% of us will marry or have a long-term

marriage-like relationship People live longer—less risk-taking

behavior Less depression and other mental

issues Health benefits greater for men Married women healthier

Romance and Exclusivity Expectation of monogamy Infidelity—romantic or sexual involvement

with someone outside rel. “Open” rels.—can be involved with others Polygamy—society allows for multiple

partners

Romance and Voluntariness People choose to be in the rel. Rel. is not chosen for the individuals

Why do people remain involuntarily?Stability for childrenReligious beliefsFinancial concernsNo positive alternatives to their current rel.

Love, Sex, and Permanence Concept of Romantic Love is a newer

idea Issue of same-sex couples wanting

more rights Most people have intention of a

permanent relationship Legal, medical, and other rights if

married Medical and other benefits

Knapp’s Relationship Phases

Relational Development“Coming Together”—Dr. Mark Knapp Initiating

People meet and interact for the first time Experimenting

Learn more about the personDetermine if there is enough interest

IntensifyingMove from acquaintances to close friendsIncrease commitmentShare intimate information

Relational Development“Coming Apart”—Dr. Mark Knapp Integrating

Deep commitment has been formedRecognized as a couple

BondingPublic announcement of commitmentMove in together, engagement, marriage,

commitment ceremonyGain support and approval of people in their

social networks

Relational Deterioration Differentiating

Begin to view differences as undesirable or annoying

CircumscribingDecrease quality and quantity of

communicationAvoid conflictPut rules and regulations on other

Relational Deterioration Stagnating

Rel. stops growingPartners don’t speak much“Going through the motions”

AvoidingCreate physical and emotional distanceOne may move outScreen calls or text messages

Relational Deterioration Terminating

Rel. is overMoving out, dividing propertyAnnouncing to friends and family

that rel. is overDivorce or dissolutionThis is a significant decision Huge impact on children

Relational Couple Types Mary Anne Fitzpatrick Traditional Couples

Conventional approach to marriageGender-typical divisions of laborEngage in conflict

Separate CouplesSimilar to Traditional except spouses are

autonomousEach has own interests and social networksSee self as individuals rather than a coupleIgnore conflict and don’t deal with it directly

Relational Couple Types Independent Couples

Independent of social expectations for marriageDon’t necessarily believe in conventional gender

roles or division of laborHighly interdependentEngage in conflict as it arises

Mixed CouplesWhen each partner disagree as to the type of rel.

they haveTypical is wife who sees couple as traditional and

husband views couple as separate

Comm. in Romantic Rels. Vary in how they handle conflict Conflict Styles in Marriage

John Gottman Validating Couples

Talk about disagreements openly and cooperatively

Stay calm, use humor, positive emotions Volatile Couples

Discuss issues openly but competitive Each spouse tries to persuade the otherNegative rather than positive emotionsCould experience intense periods of affection

Comm. in Romantic Rels. Conflict-Avoiding Couples

Deal with conflict indirectlyTry to diffuse conflict and focus on similaritiesAgree to disagree but may leave issues

unresolved Hostile Couples

Experience intense and frequent conflictUse negative emotion displaysEngage in personal attacks

Gottman’s research on gay and lesbian couples pg. 327—overall deal with conflict in a more positive manner

Comm. in Romantic Rels. Vary in how they handle privacy Communication Privacy Management

Theory (CPM)Sandra PetronioAddresses how couples manage tension

regarding keeping information private or sharing it

Couples jointly own information about their problems

We need to be aware of information our partner expects us to keep private.

Comm. in Romantic Rels. Vary in how they manage emotional

comm. (Gottman & Levenson)How partners express emotion tells a lot

about their rel.—especially satisfactionHappy couples comm. more positive emotion

and less negative emotion○ Happy—more affection, humor, verbal

assurances○ Unhappy—more anger, contempt sadness,

hostilityUnhappy couples reciprocate negative

emotion—escalate negativity

Comm. in Romantic Rels. Vary in how they handle instrumental

communicationRomantic couples often disagree about division

of laborMost tasks require decisions because they must

be completedTask division reflects the balance of power in

the rel.Same-sex rels. often have a more equal division

of tasks than opposite-sex couples.

Improving Communication in Intimate Relationships

Maintain a supportive, not defensive, climateAs both sender and receiver of

messagesCommunicate using behaviors that

contribute to a supportive climate

Comm. in Families

What makes a family?Genetic Ties

○ Related by blood○ Some family members are not blood relatives: in-

laws, spouses, adoptive familiesLegal Obligations

○ Obligated to house, feed, educate, and care for children

Role Behaviors○ Individuals act like a family

Comm. in Families Types of Families

Family of Origin○ Family a person grows up in

Family of Procreation○ Family one starts as an adult○ Romantic partner/spouse and any children the

couple raises

Nuclear FamilyMarried man and woman with their biological

children

Blended FamilyTwo adult partners raising children

Comm. in Families

Single-Parent FamilyOne adult raises one or more children

Extended FamilyIncludes other relatives such as

grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.People may not interact with their extended

family a great deal, but these relationships are very important

Comm. Issues in Families Family Roles

The functions that individuals serveEx.: Troublemaker, caregiver, clown, blamer,

placater, distracter, etc.

Family RitualsRepetitive activities that have special meaningReinforce family values, provide sense of

belonging, allow for together time, creating memories, emphasize importance of family relationships

Important in blended families

Comm. Issues in Families Family Stories

They do more than provide entertainmentSense of history, express expectations,

reinforce connections across generationsTwo characteristics

○ Told and retold over a long period of time—become part of family’s collective knowledge

○ Send an underlying message about the family such as pride, hardworking, stick together, etc.

Comm. Issues in Families Family Secrets

Information the family considers private and inappropriate to share

Reinforces family identity and exclusivitySecrets may be kept within families

Creating Positive Comm. Climate Each intimate relationship has its own

“personality” “Climate” is the emotional tone of a

relationship Reflects how we feel about the rel. Comm. Climate is an issue in personal

and professional relationships

Confirming Messages

Behaviors that indicate how much we value another person.

TypesRecognition

○ Recognize another person exists and is worth of our attention

Acknowledgement○ Acknowledge a person’s thoughts and feelings

Endorsement○ You agree with what the other person has said

Disconfirming Messages

Behaviors that imply a lack of regard for another person.

TypesImpervious response

○ Ignore the person altogetherVerbal Abuse

○ Use words to hurt another person emotionally and psychologically

○ Insults, put-downs, sarcastic remarks, threaten physical harm, etc.

Disconfirming Messages

TypesGeneralized Complaining

○ Complaints that offend the other person’s value or character

Irrelevant Response○ Reply to another’s statement with an unrelated

statement○ Don’t acknowledge their message

Impersonal Response○ Offers no real sympathy○ You are indifferent to their message

Defensive and Supportive Comm. Evaluation vs. Description

Evaluative (D)—Expresses an opinion based on the value of another person’s behavior

Descriptive (S)—Provide detail about the person’s behaviors without passing judgment

Control vs. Problem Orientation Control (D)—Manipulate others to act a specific way Problem Orientation (S)—Encourage collaboration

and creative thinking Based on research by Jack Gibb (D) = Defensive (S) = Supportive

Defensive and Supportive Comm.

Strategy vs. Spontaneity Strategy (D)—Withhold information in an attempt

to control the listener Spontaneity (S)—Express thoughts and desires

openly and honestly without a hidden agenda

Neutrality vs. Empathy Neutrality (D)—Imply a lack of concern for well-

being of others Empathy (S)—Convey concern for others are

feeling and experiencing

Defensive and Supportive Comm.

Superiority vs. Equality Superiority (D)—Encourage division and an “us vs.

them” mentality Equality (S)—Emphasize inclusiveness and minimize

status differences between people

Certainty vs. Provisionalism Certainty (D)—Offer inflexible conclusions with no

room for debate Provisionalism (S)—Offer ideas flexibly in the hope of

generating dialogue

Providing Effective Feedback

Feedback

Returning or feeding back to others our reactions to the verbal and nonverbal messages we received from them

Feedback Types

Non-evaluativeUsed when we want to gain more

information or help others work through feelings

EvaluativePositive evaluative feedback reinforces

communicative behaviorsNegative evaluative feedback stops

undesirable communicative behaviors

Non-Evaluative Feedback-Withholds Assessment

ProbingBe specificUse full sentencesMonitor nonverbal

feedbackPut burden of

ignorance on own shoulders

ParaphraseContentFeelings

Offer SupportShare your

perceptionsConfirm validity of

problemYou respect decision

even if yours differs

Evaluative Feedback-Offers Assessment

Provide PraiseNote strengths and what person has done wellBe specific and behavioral

Criticize ConstructivelyPoint out what can be made betterOffer ideas for improvementMake sure person wants your feedbackBe specific and behavioralUnsolicited criticism is rarely welcome

CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM

Make sure the personMake sure the personwants your criticismwants your criticism

Restrict feedback to Restrict feedback to recent behaviorrecent behavior

Discuss behavior Discuss behavior within the control within the control of the otherof the otherpersonperson

Constructive?Constructive?