sheepish duck #6: the dark issue
DESCRIPTION
Sheepish Duck is a famous American humor magazine written by some kids in Rhdoe Island.TRANSCRIPT
1
2
3
C o n t e n t s
Fan Mail 5
A Good Advice Column by Hannah Hicks-Santos 6-13
A Fart Cloud Cartoon by Jack Killilea 14
An Owl Story by Jack Killilea 15
Evan‟s Houses by Evan Stabach 16
A Test by Kendall Jones & Amelia Pappas-Horii 17-18
A Dark Story by Jackson Obel-Omia 19
A Vegetable Poem by Evan Shoaf 20
A Poetic Lament by Hannah hicks-Santos 21
A Short Story by Dylan Ingham 22
Automatic Writing by Kendall Jones 23
A News Update by The Media 24
A Good Question by Kendall Jones 25
A Measured Synopsis by Finlay Earsman 26
An Anonymous Apology 27
A 3-Panel Comic by Finlay Earsman 28
An Anonymous Acrostic 29
Poems Using Someone Else‟s 7 Words by Dylan Ingham, Bri Johnson, and Evan Stabach
30-33
New Poems by Hannah Hicks-Santos & Kendall Jones 34-35
Greeting Cards by a Random Hobo by Eli Kelley 36
A Poem by Jack Killilea 37
An Invitation by Jack Killilea 38
A Poll by Emma Germano 39
A Gossip Column by Emma Germano 40
A Story by Dylan Ingham 41-42
A List by Hannah Hicks-Santos 43
A Visual Aid by Hannah Hicks-Santos 44
A New Drawing by Hannah Hicks-Santos 45
A Glimpse by Emma Germano 46
An Attempted Essay by Emma Germano 47
A Column on Gods by Jack Killiklea 48
A Drawing by Hannah Hicks-Santos 49
A Taco Comic by Jack Killilea 50-51
4
A 1-Paragraph Essay by Amelia Pappas-Horii 52
A Philosophical Inquiry by Amelia Pappas-Horii 53
A Helpful Column by Finlay Earsman 54
A Comic by Finlay Earsman 55
An Acrostic by Jackson Obel-Omia 56
Special Intriguing Diary Section by Jack Killilea, Hannah Hicks-Santos, Liza Obel-Omia, Kendall Jones, & Evan Stabach
57-68
A Possibility by Jack Killilea 69
A Weather Report by Evan Stabach 70
A Limited Time Offer by Evan Stabach 71
A Poem by Hannah Hicks-Santos 72
A Suggestion by Evan Stabach 73
A Dark Thought by Kendall Jones 74
From the Mind Of…Kendall Jones 75-77
Important Questions Answered by Kendall Jones 78
A Test by Kendall Jones 79
Light | Dark by Jack Killilea 80-81
A Cartoon by Dylan Ingham 82
Special Advertising Section by Emma Germano, Dylan Ingham, and Kendall Jones
83-86
A Loose Criminal by Evan Stabach 87
New Comics & A Drawing by Jack Killilea, Hannah Hicks-Santos, Evan Stabach, & Finlay Earsman
88-91
A Serious Series by Hannah Hicks-Santos 92-94
A Monthly Dating Advice Column by Dylan Ingham 95
A Little Quiz by Hannah Hicks-Santos 96
Excerpts from an Epistolary Novel by Liza Obel-Omia, with help from Emma Germano
97-104
Contributors 106
5
D E A R S H E E P I S H D U C K 281 COUNTY ROAD BARRINGTON, RI 02806
Write to us!
. ..
6
Dear Ms. Random Person A GOOD ADVICE COLUMN
by Hannah Hicks-Santos
Hi!
I am Ms. Random Person. I
can tell you everything you
need to know about life! Please
send me questions A.S.A.P.!! I
AM DESPERATE!
Ms. Random Person
Hey Everyone!
It’s me! Ms. Random Person again! Don’t
forget, I MIGHT HAVE OTHER THINGS TO DO. Toodles!
-Ms. Random Person Hel-LO Peep-le!
Ms. Random Person again! Just so you
know, I will only answer your questions if you
enclose bacon in the envelope!
-Ms. Random Person
Dear Ms. Random Person, Help! My life is awful. I
need help! If you didn’t hear
me, I need help!! First, I have
a pretty sister and cute
brother. THIS IS AWFUL! I’m sure
you’ll hear from me more.
-ME
7
Dear ME,
I have something that
can help you. First, steal
your sister’s makeup and put
it on. WITHOUT A MIRROR!
Next, take your sister’s clothes and
carve your name into them with scissors.
And about your brother: LOCK HIM IN A
TANNING BOOTH!
-Ms. Random Person
Dear Ms. Random Person,
My sister doesn’t
wear makeup.
-ME
Dear ME,
Sorry. REPLACE HER
SHAMPOO WITH UGLY, GREEN
HAIR DYE!
-Ms. Random Person
Dear Ms. Random Person,
Works for me. THANKS.
-ME
8
Dear Ms. Random Person,
HELP MY MOM’S A JERK.
-ME
Dear ME,
RUN AWAY!
-Ms. Random Person
Dear Ms. Random Person,
NO.
-ME(I’M MAD!!)
Dear ME,
Sorry. How about you
try giving her a poisonous
snake?
-Ms. Random Person
Dear Ms. Random Person,
OK. Now my lazy dad. HELP.
-ME (Great advice!)
9
Dear ME,
Have a goose chase him
around the house. That got my
grandma off her butt and she’s
94!
-Ms. Random Person
Dear Ms. Random Person,
Always great advice. How
about my drooly dog.
ME
Dear ME,
Give him to one of
your friends. How about me?
-Ms. Random Person
Dear Ms. Random Person,
I’ll consider it, but
my parents will find out
and I’ll get in trouble.
-ME
10
Dear ME,
Is your name really
ME?
-Ms. Random Person
Ms. Random Person,
Why should you know?
And answer my question.
NOW.
-ME
P.S. I didn’t even write
DEAR I’m so mad.
You just did.
Dear ME,
Sorry. Anyway, say
he ran away. Or died.
-Ms. Random Person
Dear Ms. Random Person,
OK. Now my fish.
They have nothing wrong
with them.
-ME
11
Dear ME,
Put bleach in their
fish tank. They will
(hopefully) die.
-Ms. Random Person P.S. I’m getting tons of bacon from you!
Thank you!
Dear Ms. Random Person,
I DON’T WANT TO
KILL MY FISH!
-ME
Dear ME,
Sorry. But if there is
nothing wrong with them,
why are you complaining?
Ms. Random Person
Dear Ms. Random Person,
Because everyone in
my house has something
wrong with them.
-ME P.S. Great advice!
12
Dear ME,
I am not going to help
you anymore. You don’t make
sense anymore. Goodbye.
Ms. Random Person
Dear ME,
GO TO A
PSYCHIATRIST!
Ms. Random Person
Dear Ms. Random Person,
NO!I have nothing
wrong with me. My family has
things wrong with them.
NO MORE bacon for you.
-ME P.S. I don’t want to see a
word written by you again. Goodbye forever.
Dear ME,
Sorry, You did not
enclose bacon in the
envelope. Goodbye.
Mr. Random Person
13
Dear Mr. Random Person,
I thought you were a
girl? And what did I say? I
don’t want to see a word
written by YOU again.
-ME
Hey Everybody!
Just so you know, I am
DONE with the ridiculous
antics of ME! Anyone else
need any advice? Please?
Anyone but ME.
Ms. Random Person
Dear Ms. Random Person,
I need some advice. My
transmission is running
smoothly. HELP!
-1 Mola Lola
Dear 1 Mola Lola,
Firstly, 1 Mola? EWWWW!
Second, when I said
anything, I meant to say
anything that is not about
how to fix a car. I have no
idea how to help you. Sorry. GOODBYE!
Ms. Random Person
14
Here A FART CLOUD CARTOON
by Jack Kil l i l ea
robber
Video
game
15
they do not weep AN OWL STORY
by Jack Kil l i l ea
The owl‟s massive wings shine in the moonlight as he
dives down into a deep snow. The mice cower in their
holes. Chipmunks and rabbits scurry away. The predator
of the night is King of all. From his tower he hears a
squeak! He dives down to the snow to catch his prey. He
kills them quick so they do not weep. He goes back up
with his prize to the monster‟s den, where no live mouse
has laid his eyes.
16
Evan’s houses REAL ESTATES
by Evan Stabach
Grassy manor
Inside:2 bathrooms ,1 living room,
3 bedrooms,1dining room,1kitchen,1 basement
Outside:1 pond, grassy hills
Deluxe: grassy roof
17
DO YOU EAT DEMOCRATIC TURKEYS? A TEST
by Amelia & Kendal l
1. Does your turkey tend to always come out raw (especially when your mom cooks it)?
Yes No
2. Do you always go to some supermarket to get your turkey (when I say this I mean the supermarket brand)?
Yes No
3. Do a lot of relatives always come to your house for Thanksgiving? When they come, do they like it?
Yes No
4. Do you and your relative‟s children not eat dinner, but eat a lot of dessert? (If your relatives don‟t have children do they do this)?
Yes No
5. After your relatives eat the turkey do they seem all wacked?
Yes No
18
ANSWER KEY
1. No
2. No
3. Yes
4. No
5. No
If you got 5 correct answers:
Congrats! You eat democratic turkeys!
If you got 3 or 4 correct answers:
Relax, the not democratic turkey will soon be out
of your system in 50 years! If you need help
to face this horrible fact, get help from Kendall.
Hopefully you won‟t come out worse.
If you got 0-2 correct answers:
Stop eating non-democratic turkeys!
You are ruining your life! Call The Doctor!!!!!!!!
19
A DARK STORY by Jackson Obel -Omia
esterday I had the worst day of my life.
First, I went to school (which was the best part
of my day). Then I went home.
After a few minutes, I went to the
Orthodontist, where they messed with my
braces.
Then I got a haircut, which got me itchy, and they
found a tick under my ear. It was in for five days. When I
went to the doctor, I found out it was the kind that carried
Lyme disease. They got it out.
Then I got a flu shot.
Then I vomited from the antibiotics.
That was my worst day.
20
A VEGETABLE POEM by Evan Shoaf
Green and putrid,
I lay by myself
Alone; abandoned
Unaccepted.
My only wish:
To disappear!
To be swallowed whole!
To vanish. . .
Oh! Cruel irony
I cannot disappear
For I am too gross
No one will even touch me.
21
Evil Grandma’s Funeral A POETIC LAMENT
by Hannah Hicks-Santos
obody showed up
for Evil Grandma‟s Funeral.
They were too busy destroying her
house and throwing eggs and toilet paper
at the remains of her old house. N
22
In a happy unicorn teddy bear kiss land A SHORT STORY
by Dylan Ingham
nce Upon a time, in a happy unicorn teddy bear kiss
land, there was a total apocalypse and billions of
infant souls perished in agony.
Then a zucchini came from space and squirted
ketchup bombs encased in underwear and blood, while slicing
the last survivor‟s limbs off slowly and painfully.
As the devil of sorrow descended on the barren,
deserted land (sorry, almost deserted), an eyeball on planet
Planet ate mustard.
To be continued…
O
23
AUTOMATIC WRITING by Kendal l Jones
The pit of despair with fluffy golden squirrels had taken Santa, who is now severely wounded.
I like dark things.
The other pit.
The pit of excruciating you with evil psychotic demons has taken Snakey, who is extremely well and at RI Hospital under 24/7 guard.
I hate artificial things.
„cept for Snakey.
24
DEATH FROGS A NEWS UPDATE
by The Media
Death Frogs Do not be fooled by their cuteness. These frogs are evil and
out to get you. They want to rule the world. It would not be so bad if they had no HATRED TOWARD CHOCOLATE PUDDING!! WHICH, by the way, they are planning to WIPE OFF ALL THE PUDDING FROM THE FACE OF THE EARTH!!!!!!!!!!! Lock your doors + windows. Eat Tacos for breakfast, wear slippers to the mall, and eat donuts. These are some safety tips from the W.R.F.U.S. Please obey.
25
MATH & LOGIC A GOOD QUESTION
by Kendall Jones
HOW MANY BLOOD STAINS
SHOULD BE IN THE AVERAGE
MASTER BEDROOM?
ANSWER: 37
I shall show you THE MATH and THE LOGIC behind this:
26
V E G G I E S O F D O O M A MEASURED SYNOPSIS
by Finlay Earsman
27
I AM SO, SO SORRY I STOLE YOUR DOG
AN ANONYMOUS APOLOGY
Dear Rick,
I am so, so sorry I stole your dog. I don‟t know what
came over me. I buried his brain and all his organs with
his collar in your dead lizard‟s tank. (I buried your lizard,
too. And your cat.) I regret what I did. But on their
gravestone I at least wrote R.I.P. (Not really. I wrote
PLEASE BOTHER US AND TAMPER WITH OUR
CORPSES.)
Signed,
The one who killed your dog
P.S. I am not really sorry. I ate your dog, lizard, and cat.
Mwaaaa
Haaaa
Haaa
Ha!!
28
dead dynamite A 3-PANEL COMIC
by Finlay Earsman
29
NECAP AN ACROSTIC
by Anonymous
Never
Educating
Kids
At
Palmer River School
30
next:
POEMS
USING
SOMEONE
ELSE‟S
7 WORDS
31
1. random
2. bl ing
3. of
4. baby
5. chicken
6. on
7. mars
After a random day,
a bling of night
brought demons of wars.
A baby cries.
a chicken dies,
and on Jupiter they th ink of
MARS.
by Dylan Ingham
32
1. pie
2. soccer
3. Supercalifragi l isticexpial idocious
4. hippo
5. nerd
6. just
7. pop
There was a celebrat ion.
The town hippo brought a pie.
The nerds spel led
Supercali fragil ist icexpial idocious.
The people played soccer.
The mayor made a short toast:
“Just Pop,” he said.
And the party ended.
by Bri
33
1. trash
2. Alcatraz
3. fermented
4. alcohol
5. loop
6. sick
7. Lucky Charms
Crazy
Tons of trash.
In Alcatraz, a guy
Named Fermented
Wearing sick loop
Lucky Charms.
by Evan Stabach
34
M a r r i a g e i s a B u n g e e J u m p ! A POEM
by Hannah Hicks-Santos
Today I got married.
She wants me to bungee jump,
Even though I am afraid of heights.
But I can‟ t say so,
Because Daisy is crazy and insane.
Beyond your biggest fr ights.
35
A POEM by Kendall Jones
In November i t rains
the blood of
turkeys.
November rain
is often used in
“cranberry” sauce.
It gives i t
its reddish
color .
36
GREETING CARDS BY A RANDOM HOBO by Eli Kelley
There are leprechauns in your toilet. Life is unfair.
~Happy Birthday!~
Your next door neighbor just died. Your friend just got decapitated.
~Happy Funeral~
Your lifelines are perpendicular. You are a widow.
~Happy Graduation!~
37
November Rain
A POEM by Jack Killilea
November Rain
is l ighter
than the ra in on Venus,
but heavier
than almost al l Taylor Swift songs.
38
EVITE (IT SOUNDS TECHNO! ENTER LADY GAGA! !!) AN INVITATION
by Jack Killilea
I’m Rick Perry
And you’re invited to my
Anti-hipster protest/egging/party
PEEPS
39
Does Santa Exist? A POLL
by Emma Germano
The Results:
Yes & No
YES: I believe in Santa because he writes me letters.
No: Because me and my friend compared cards from Santa
and they were different.
40
Latest Gossip (Many Aren’t True) A GOSSIP COLUMN
by Emma Germano
I heard Selena and Just in Bieber are breaking up.
Jessie doesn‟t have a cell phone.
Lunch is better in high school.
Barney broke out of prison.
Elmo is dating Deme Lovoto.
Someone had a gas leak in their house and it blew
up and went flying and landed in Taylor Swift ‟s
designer bathroom.
(Cost:= $1,000,000,000,000)
Did you hear Humpty Dumpty‟s girl fr iend
hates eggs?
Katy Perry and Rebecca Black are becoming BFFs.
41
DYLAN INGHAM
The Tale of Little Red Riding Hood A Story
Part One: The Encounter
long time ago in a galaxy far, far awa-woops wrong story. This story
takes place not so long ago and not so far away. This story takes place in a valley called Utterlion...
Little Red was having an absolutely spectacularly wonder-ifically awesomely great day. Grand-ma was ill in bed and Little Red was going to her house to bring her cookies, doughnuts, and other extremely fattening foods that will probably be more deadly than the sickness Grandma had.
You see, Little Red‟s dad had died and her mom had mysteriously disappeared years
ago. Little Red was taken in and raised after the tragedy by her grandma. Because of Little Red‟s love for Grandma, Little Red had become very worried when she found out about grandma‟s sickness. Luckily, Red (I‟m going to start calling Little Red Red just to save time and space) found a cheap baker that made her some „‟magical sweets that would supposedly heal Grandma. Then, Red started skip-ping home happily and caught up to the story.
A
42
As Red skipped along, she heard something peculiar. It sounded like a hippo with indigestion. Turns out, it was a hippo with indigestion. Deadly indigestion. Red saw the hippo fall over in pain. It was breathing heavily and turning blue. Red walked off the path and went up to the hippo to try to help him.
“What‟s wrong, hippo?” Red asked in her soft, sweet voice.
“I am dying of indigestion and need you to listen to me.” The poor hippo crackled. “If you see anybody tied up to a tree crying for help and even if they look like somebody you know, don‟t help them or you will be CURSED!!!”
Although Red was clever and smart, she was a bit gullible, so when she saw how sincere the hippo was about the curse, she suddenly believed him and told the hippo that she wouldn‟t do anything if she saw someone tied to a tree.
“Thank you” was all the hippo managed to say before he dropped dead.
Now, that was very frightening for Red, but she knew that she needed to deliver the sweet sweets to grandma, so Red pried her eyes away from the
gruesome sight and went on her way. What she did not see was that the hippo slowly changed into Japanese Warthogs, some of the dreaded wolf‟s minions. What she did not see was Wolf evilly cackling behind a tree. What she did not see was that Wolf‟s plan was falling into place. ____________________ Part Two: The Plan
ow, let me explain Wolf. Wolf is a twisted, evil, ugly, idiotic @$^*&%# fiend.
I know how many villains have dramatic heartbreaking backgrounds on how and why they became evil, but Wolf was just born bad, literally. When he was born, he sliced the way out of his mother‟s womb with his unusually sharp claws, and then punched the lights out of his dad before running into the woods to create his slave army and plan his next evil move.
His latest plan was to get into Grandma‟s bed and eat her, then dress up like Grandma and when Red came to Grandma‟s house, eat Red too. His plan would have worked out perfectly if Grandma hadn‟t been taking a walk…
N
To be continued…
43
WHAT NOT TO GET YOUR KID FOR CHRISTMAS
A LIST by Hannah Hicks -Santos
A Bear Dangerous Stuff Permanent Glue Pants (kids hate pants) Underwear Knives Toilet paper Math Coal Someone who freezes people Heads Dead bodies
44
D i f f e r e n c e s B e t w e e n B r a i n J u i c e a n d B l o o d A VISUAL AID
by Hannah Hicks-Santos
Thi s i s B LOOD
BLOOD i s r ed .
Thi s i s BRA IN JUI CE .
BRA IN JUI CE i s c l ea r .
(Tha t ’ s i t . )
45
HERE IS A DEAD RABBIT A NEW DRAWING by Hannah Hicks-Santos
46
Anna’s Math Test A GLIMPSE
by Emma Germano
47
I am really AN ATTEMPTED ESSAY
by Emma Germano
48
TATA: God of Manga A COLUMN ON GODS
by Jack Kil l i l ea
49
Evil Mermaid A DRAWING
by Hannah Hicks-Santos
50
The Talking Taco A TACO COMIC
by Jack Kil l i l ea
51
The Talking Taco and the Swearing Fire
The Talking Taco and the Reckless Bear
The Talking Taco Goes to the Grocery Store
52
w h a t h a p p e n e d t o t h e w o r d q u i e t ? A 1-PARAGRAPH ESSAY
by Amelia Pappas -Hori i
veryone used to adore the word quiet, but now everyone ignores it. That‟s infuriating. How could they do this? This all happened because people NEVER
SHUT UP!! This is an insult—a scandal to the word quiet! Nowadays, only a few people respect the word quiet and the only thing they say is “PEOPLE NEVER SHUT UP!” What a stupid thing to say (and boring and annoying, and etc.).
E
53
W a i t i n g R o o m A PHILOSOPHICAL INQUIRY
by Amelia Pappas -Hori i
‟m waiting in a waiting room where I‟m waiting to wait somewhere. Somewhere is not nowhere, it‟s somewhere. Nowhere is not nothing, it‟s something, but something
may be nothing. Nothing may be something, or it may be an OLD SHOE! An old shoe is something, but it could be nothing because nothing is something. A thing is nothing, but it could be something, or a banana! A “banana!” is nothing, or something, or a strand of hair! [scary music] A strand of hair is a strand of hair, or NOTHING because nothing is something (or a thing).
I
54
T h e G e r m s A HELPFUL COLUMN
by Finlay Earsman
55
Bouncy Ball and Hand A COMIC
by Finlay Earsman
56
Sheepish Duck AN ACROSTIC
by Jackson Obel -Omia
Surprising
Have Fun
Exciting
Extra Entertaining
Powerful
Incredible
Squirrels
Have fun (again)
Destiny of You
Undercover
Crazy
KraZY
57
Special intriguing
DiARY section
58
I’M FROM TEXAS, I’M FROM TEXAS RICK PERRY‟S DIARY
by Jack Kil l i l ea
Monday
I think I’ll dress up like a fancy lady and try to catch
Herman Cain committing a crime.
Tuesday
Oh no. People on twitter found out I paid off Frank
Caprio to tell Obama to shove it.
Wednesday
Time to execute #5048. I think I’ll get an Egg
McMuffin for breakfast.
Thursday
Went to McDonald’s. Probably going to sue. Egg
McMuffin tasted bad. People laughed at my eye
shadow. I can’t get it off.
Friday
Was abducted by aliens! Scariest thing ever.
Saturday
Birthday! So excited. George Bush and Dick Cheney
are coming. Laser tag is so much fun!!!
59
E l f ’ s D i a r y
by Hannah Hicks -Santos
Dear Diary, Today I was trying to make myself a Furry Friend™ when Santa walked in! He knows I HATE unexpected guests! I mean, I wasn’t even wearing any clothes! Not even UNDERWEAR! I was afraid he was going to fire me, but then I remembered—today was my meeting with him! We were going to talk about how fast I could make toys! I totally forgot! It was, in a word, TERRIBLE!
~Elf
60
S a n t a ’ s D i a r y by Liza Obel -Omia
Dear D iary,
OMG. I go t such coo l g lasses. Yeah! Anyway, I
saw a k id p ick ing hi s nose on my I -See-You-When-
You ’re-Sleep ing-I-Know-
When-You ’re-Awake-
Machine™ . I t was
horr ib le! ! I a ls o saw a
woman tha t cou ld be Mrs. Claus. She had wavy brown
hair and perfect eyes. Oh mama. She was perfect !!
Wonder if she l ikes red and co ld weather. Wel l , I got
t o go check the ISYWYSIKWYA Machu ine™.
gtg. - Santa Claus
Kid with
problems
61
Dear D iary,
Today I found out my top
elf, Carson, was stea l ing toys!! I
am so, so, so proud! ! I wou ld
never have got t en away with
that!! SO, SO, SO PROUD.
I bet you ’re st i l l wonder ing
abou t the maybe-probab ly not Mrs.
Clau s. I bet you ’re al s o wonder ing
how old I am and s tuff . Wel l , here you go. I asked
the Mrs. C lau s whatever if she wan ted to “hang.” She
sa i d she doesn ’ t “hang” out wi th guys who dress l ike
Santa in the midd le of September! RUDE!! I guess there
are other ic i c le s in the po le.
Oh, I shou ld te l l you how o ld I am
now. I ’m 200. I need a son though, so
when I die around the age of 450 he
can take my p lace. Maybe I ’ l l sweeten
up Mrs. C lau s-t o-be…
Wel l , got t o go (gtg). - Santa
62
Dear D iary,
I got a let ter today saying I need to f ind the
next Santa. S i n ce noth ing ’s mov ing with
that lady. I need to f ind another woman
of a fr iend I have known for at least
two years, wh ich i s hard, s ince I ha rd ly
knew anyone grow ing up, and if I did
they are probab ly a l l dead now!!
I do know one guy who was
abou t one-year-o ld when I was 150. He
is pret ty n ice, and I met h im every few
years. I th ink he is…51
now! That wi l l work! I ’ l l
check on h im tomorrow.
Oh, one more th ing abou t a
woman. I saw another good look ing one
today!! Yeah! Yay!
gtg. - Santa Claus
63
Dear D iary,
I met up with my o ld fr iend, Bob. He is n ice enough,
but he is a b i t of a couch potato. He gave me hi s
schedu le: Wake up, eat bacon, brush
tee th, qu ick shower, watch games
whi le snack ing, eat dinner, have
desser t , go to n ight sh i f t at CVS,
come home, br ush teeth, and go to
bed. I t i s a pret t y bad l i f e, so I am
pre t ty sure he want s to be Santa.
He’ s go t the fat body and beard
down. If a l l fa i l s, though, he has a
neighbor. He l ikes her,
but hey—I ’m Santa! I asked him the quest i on
and he sa id he ’d answer r ight af ter he
asks Margaret on a date. I f lew back on
my snow-powered s le igh and I am wai t i ng
for an answer. Come on BOB!!!
Bye! - Santa Claus
64
Dear D iary,
Stup id love!! Margaret went out wi th Bob and i t
was perfect!! Everyth ing is ru ined. Margare t even h ugged
him! Tw ice! They have another date
on Fr iday. Ugh!!!
Then I had a great idea. A
super s tar!! A star!! I p icked Tay lor
Swif t and Katy Perry. Tay l or i s
super pre t ty. I th ink I wi l l p ick her!
Yay! Yay! ! Yeah! Yeah!
I texted her, and wa i t ed for
a rep ly. I got one, after three
hour s. I t sa id, “umm who is th is .
SantaRu les? What kind of name is
that and how do u know my #??? PDKIT (P lease Don ’ t
Keep In Touch!! ) rea l tay lorg ir l s .”
What ’ s wi th her? I don ’ t know at al l . Guess I
shou ld jus t st i ck with norma l women.
- Santa Claus
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Dear D iary,
Looked at some more women and the i r hobb ies.
The one I saw a coup le of days ago has a husband!
I cou ld on ly f ind a few co l l ege g ir l s, though. I shou ld
jus t pu t th i s as ide!! I know one more guy. I cou ld try
him. I wi l l t omorrow! MEN, here I come!! - Santa Claus
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DAYS IN THE (SOMEWHAT DEPRESSING)
LIFE OF A FAT MOLECULE by Kendal l Jones
am a Fat Molecule. Everyone hates me. I will live a long life because of this. It also makes me sad. I want to be liked as something other than a Fat Molecule. Like a pie. I hate my little Fat-y body. No hands, or legs. Just sneakers where my feet would
be. I will never achieve my dream of being a Persian Cat. Because I was born a Fat.
Nov. 15 2011 Journal, Today I was nearly eaten. As you know, I have found a home on a piece of green steak. A hobo tried to eat my green host steak. I was deeply offended. A hobo! I had to jump off my new house and into the mass of filth in the dumpster and forage for food to cling to. I finally found a home on a rotten cracker in hobo man‟s jacket. Goodbye.
I
Warning: This may
psychologically scar you.
My former steak on the green house.
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A day in the life of an average
boy on christmas™
AN INTERVIEW
by Evan Stabach
First I wake up @ 6:01.
Then I wait 1 and ½ hours until my family
wakes up. Then I play with my presents
until dinner.
THANK YOU BEN, FOR LETTING US
INTERVIEW YOU!
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Daydreamer #1
AN INVENTOR‟S JOURNAL
by Liza Obel -Omia
Dear Inventor Journal,
I came up with something
awesome. The Warm Shower™. OK, OK
The Warm Shower™ is awesome because
it does all kinds of things! First,
you don’t have to reach back and
change the temperature, just say
stuff like “Turn on” and “Little
hotter” and “Too hot! Too hot!” and
stuff like that. Also, it has a
built-in phone, a mirror that never
gets misty, and a soap bar
disperser.
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THE SECRET OF LIFE
A POSSIBILITY
by Jack Kil l i l ea
@ @ @ @ @ @ @
+
=
nuclear war
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DAILY NORTH POLE NPC NEWS WITH SNIKER DOODLE
A WEATHER REPORT
by Evan Stabach
Mon. Tue. Wed.
Blizzards Blizzards Blizzards
Thurs. Fri.
Blizzards Blizzards
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FREE MANSION
A LIMITED TIME OFFER
by Evan Stabach
HEY, all you people!
This is a limited time offer only.
A FREE MANSION
Just call: 911-e
You will die in this house.
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turkey
A POEM
by Hannah Hicks -Santos
I am a turkey.
A turkey I am.
Someone just stole my leg.
Another just stole my wing.
Now I am gone,
and all that is left is my bones
and my head,
who knows where.
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ONE WAY TO ANNOY A SIBLING
A SUGGESTION
by Evan Stabach
Go to youtube and type in:
1 hour annoying music
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EXECUTIONS
A DARK THOUGHT
by Kendal l Jones
Way no. 1:
The guillotine
Way no. 2:
The axe
Way no. 3:
The old serial killer
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Really, really, really, really, really, really FROM THE MIND OF KENDALL JONES
by Kendal l Jones
Ugh. Cafeteria fish sticks again. Why can’t they just order
Takeout Food every day?
NOTE TO SCHOOL CAFETERIA: THIS IS A GOOD IDEA.
PLEASE CONSIDER.
Why? I doubt the custodian wants to clean up Kid barf every
day, for a least one time a lunch period. So, let’s order out! Like
Golden House, or Hong Meas, Pie Zoni’s, or Papa Gino’s
Vampires should not be treated like beasts of a different species,
they are only undead people with a condition that makes
him/her drink the blood of the living and use it for personal
gain. Hm. Kind of like goats, which are evil. Don’t argue with
me. Male Vampires often have Mustaches, which are
gooooood.
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Muffins are only cupcakes that won’t tell us what they truly
are.
Cry of Utter Panic
“Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! It is upon us!!!!! It is upon us!!!!! Get the
children!!! THE CHILDREN!!!”
Pies are really slabs of beef that also (like the muffin) won’t
admit what they want to be.
If we all sat down and had a peaceful discussion, would it solve
all our problems?????
__yes __no
Correct answer: NO!
Carnivorous mammals often murder innocent pandas for no
better reason than to revenge on cows for taking the secret of
fire and giving it to goats, which are evil.
(I AM A CARNIVOROUS MAMMAL. HOPE YOU ARE NOT
A PANDA)
Really, really, really, really, really, really.
I mean it when I say goats are evil. The men with mustaches
and wool suits fight the sinister goats by fire and dehydration
of Gatorade. The goats’ only weapon against them: solid gold
pickles shot from potato cannons. These are hard to come by
naturally and they hurt. The evilest goat couple is Mr. and Dr.
Lady von Snitzerberg, they go by Mr. and Dr. Bob the evil
goats. Evil goats always work in pairs. It’s a goat thing.
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A Turkey’s Nightmare *Snore, snore, snore*
~Thanksgiving table setting~
The turkey “Wakes up” on the table. The drumstick was missing, the
turkey realized. He woke up in his dream, except it wasn’t.
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DEAR IMPORTANTAFIER-PERSON IMPORTANT QUESTIONS ANSWERED
by Kendal l Jones
Dear Importantafier-Person,
Are Colorful Popsicle Sticks Important to Society? I do not
believe so.
Sincerely,
I Work In a Popsicle Stick Factory and I Hate It
Dear I Work In a Popsicle Stick Factory and I Hate It,
Yes, Colorful Popsicle Sticks are important to society because
without them, The Cup would be empty and all the other Important
Stuff and Stuff would fight over the extra space and in the riot they
would destroy the Paper Towel Dispenser Over The Sink, who kept
order until now. Then, without The Towel Dispenser Over The Sink to
keep order, the riot would get out of control, and the rioters would
kill the Soap Dispenser, son of the Paper Towel Dispenser Over The
Sink. The Soap Dispenser’s dying scream would cause the Yellowstone
Caldera to explode and destroy Earth, and that will destroy remaining
planets in order. Then the Galaxy would blow up, causing a chain
reaction, the destruction ending when the hellfire and brimstone
reached Heaven, sending Perfection spiraling into a better Downstairs,
and since Downstairs is already unperfect, it would do nothing. The
universe would then be destroyed. If you abolish Colored Popsicle
Sticks, then you might as well rob a bank and buy the wood Escalade
that runs on aerosol hair spray. DO NOT BAN THE POPSICLE
STICKS!!!!!!!!!! They hold the world together.
Sincerely,
Importantafier-Person
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TEST TODAY!!! 95% of YOUR GRADE Depends on THIS!!! A TEST
by Kendal l Jones
What is the best way to murder a cow? ____________________________________________________________________________ How do you dump bodies in a landfill efficiently?
a.) You DON‟T
b.) OMG STOP ASKING ME QUESTIONS!!!
c.) You wing it
ESSAY QUESTION: Never eat blue bloody jelly beans? Why?
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81
by Jack Killilea
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A CARTOON by Dylan Ingham
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S P E C I A L A D V E R T I S I N G S E C T I O N
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What’s Writer’s Block? AN ADVERTISEMENT
by Emma Germano
Every writer has a block to help them think.
So, if you are a writer and you don’t have one
you can buy it at The Writer’s Nook in California.
A Writer’s Block is $100,000.
It comes in many colors,
such as blueberry red, strawberry blue, and much more.
CUSTOMER REVIEWS: Writer’s Block
I am a writer from San Francisco, and when I heard about Writer’s Block
I went out and bought it. It was the worst decision of my life!!!!!!!! It
did nothing!!!!!! Do not waste the $$$$$!!!
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86
by Kendall Jones
CUSTOMER REVIEWS
RatesStuff: I bought 5 puffed penguins and they all ripped
up like that! They stink! DO NOT BUY!!
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Caution: New Criminal Mastermind
on the Loose!
by Evan Stabach
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HEY, Let’s Fight
A COMIC by Jack Kil l i l ea
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HOW’D THAT HAPPEN?
A COMIC by Hannah Hicks -Santos
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THE PLATYPUS OF BONES A DRAWING
by Evan Stabach
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Either/Or
A COMIC
by Finlay Earsman
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bad baby
A SERIOUS SERIES
by Hannah Hicks -Santos
ne day, a Bad Baby was born. When she
was born, she punched the doctor, her
dad, her sister, and her mom. She knocked
everyone out. Now she‟s four -years-old, and she
can beat up a fi fth grader.
This is her birth certificate:
She is try ing to strangle me.
O
First Name: Bad Baby
Last Name: Goodhood
Mother: Lulu Thathat
Father: Gordon Goodhood
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bad baby:
I am going to burn down the forest.
TOO
BAD
STUPID
ANIMALS!
94
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Dear Dylan, I need help. I want a good boyfriend. A great boyfriend. I NEED ONE!!! Help help help.
- Girl wants NEEDS boyfriend Zanesville, OH
P.S. You single?
Dear Girl NEEDS Boyfriend,
If you are under 16, you don’t need a boyfriend, but if you’re older than that, find someone you really like and make out with them for 5.7 seconds.
~ Dylan P.S. Maybe I’m single.
Dear Dylan, Um. Um. You free Friday?
- Girl wants NEEDS boyfriend Zanesville, OH
Dear Girl NEEDS Boyfriend,
Sorry, but I’m going to HOW-TO-DITCH-ANNOYING-GIRLS-THAT-ASK-TOO-MANY-DATING-QUESTIONS Camp on Friday, but I’m free Thursday.
~ Dylan P.S. Just kidding. P.P.S. Did the advice work?
Dear Dylan, It DID. I got a boyfriend named Bodson. Oh oh oh!.
- Girl wants NEEDS boyfriend Zanesville, OH
Dear Girl NEEDS Boyfriend,
Congratulations.
~ Dylan
Dylan’s Dating Advice
A MONTHLY DATING ADVICE COLUMN
by Dylan Ingham
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A R E Y O U D E A D ? A LITTLE QUIZ
by Hannah Hicks-Santos
If you answer yes for two or more questions, you are dead. Find out with this quiz!
1. Do you walk very slowly?
Yes No 2. Do your arms and legs fall off often?
Yes No 3. Do you groan a lot?
Yes No
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L I Z A O B E L - O M I A
L e t t e r s f r o m R i c h t o P o o r
Excerpts from an Epistolary Novel, Part 2
With help from Emma Germano
June 29th Dear Sara,
Why???!!!!???!!! I guess I pick Nikki Rope, or whatever.
- Liza Swift
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JUNE 29th Liza— Good. You will start tomorrow. I will tell her the good news.
- Sara
June 29th
Dear Nikki,
Hi. I’m Sara Bodson. If you
don’t already know, I am Liza
Swift’s manager. You have been
chosen to be Pen Pals with Liza.
You will write to each other for a
month. Here is the best part,
though. At the end of the month
you get to meet her. Liza is so
excited! The letters will start
tomorrow. Have a great day.
-Sara Bodson
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July 5th
Dear Nikki, Um, hi. It’s so nice to write to you. It’s nice that I have someone to…um….write to. Anyway, what’s your life like. Do you have a nice house? Do you like skirts or shorts in the summer? What’s your life like? Yeah.
Um…bye, Liza Swift
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July 3rd
Dear Liza,
YES YES YES!!!!! I can’t believe this is happening. OH OH
OH!!! Well, um, sorry, let me control myself. Well, hi. I’m Nikki. Well,
I read your letter and I have some answers.
I live in kind of a shack. Um, I only have a long shirt+skirt
(for winter) and another skirt (for summer). My life is okay, though. I
am homeschooled by my mom (my dad is away in the army).
I mostly have pasta and home grown fruits and vegetables for
dinner, which I love, so I guess life is okay.
- Nikki Rope
My clothes
101
July 5th
Dear Nikki, So you’re poor!!!! OMG OMG Oh My God. I mean, I thought I was writing to a…a…a…normal person!!!! Well, I guess I should put that behind my back. Well, so you like to draw. Then draw a picture of me. I want to see how good you are at drawing people. Very important people like ME! Send it in your next letter. Maybe even a picture of you and your bedroom.
Liza Swift
102
July 7th
Dear Liza,
Here’s the pictures you wanted to see.
Sorry that I’m poor.
Nikki Rope
103
July 9th
Dear Nikki, You are O.K. at drawing. I am so good at it! I will draw a little picture for you.
P.S. You should take art lessons!
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July 10th
Dear Nikki, I’m waiting for a letter from you! I mean, what do you do all day, watch your maid? It’s not like you do chores all day! Anyway, what do you do for fun? Since you’re poor. Tell me in your next letter.
Liza Swift
P.S. I want your next letter soon!
105
BYE
FOREVER
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C O N T R I B U T O R S I N R A N D O M O R D E R
Dylan Paul Ingham is 11-years-old and believes in talking Meese (a fake plural word for "moose"). His favorite animals are fennec foxes, wombats, good tem-pered wart-hogs, porpoises, tigers, panda and desmans. Liza Obel-Omia is a singer, a writer, a dancer, a reader, a swimmer, a happy-bringer and a rubber duck collector. Evan Stabach is in 5th grade. He is adventurous and fast, and he likes skiing, swimming and stories. Jack Killilea is in 5th grade and wants to be a historian. His dad cuts his hair. Emma Germano likes to write, likes to draw, and wants to be a teacher. Eli Kelley is a 4th grader at Hampden Meadows. When he's not creating funny stories with Bri and the gang, he can be found playing guitar, drums and singing for his new band.
Jackson Obel-Omia likes to read and write. He plays basketball and baseball. He also runs cross country. He is 12 years old. Kendall Jones, Grade 5, age 11, has brown hair that hangs down straight, and hazel eyes. Bubble letters are her favorite way to write, and she has a cat named Matilda, a mom and a dad, and a younger sister. Amelia Pappas-Horii is 10-years-old and enjoys many things, including eating, more eating, dancing, hanging out, and annoying her sister. Finlay Earsman is a 5th grader and lives in a family of four. He can be funny and weird. Hannah Hicks-Santos is rumored to love bacon and trips to the beach. She is ten-years-old and can of-ten be found—anywhere! When you find her, she may be drawing, writing or singing. Do not be surprised.
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Thank you for reading
Sheepish Duck!
How to reach us:
401-247-1920 x6
sheepishduck.tumblr.com
twitter.com/sheepishduck
Barrington Public Library
281 County Road
Barrington, Rhode Island
02806
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