; READY-10- SUPERPDSIER! LOOK INSIDE!!

SOMETHING FUNNY

sAfy

IS GOING ON HERE!

ir iT Hi IF M254

HBMAftMli SEPT. No. 127

so how come vnone i

NO. 127 THE WORLD S HUMOREST

FUNNY MAGAZINE

ROBERT C. SPROUL, editor and publisher

ALLAN KURZROK.proc/wcr/o/z editor

JOE CATALANO. GEORGE GLADIR. MIKE PELLOWSKL TOM PERRY. JR. UNDA EDJAKATED, writers JOHN SEVERIN. SURURI GUMEN, BILL WARD. DON OREHEK. JOHN LANGTON, CHARLIE RODRIGUES, artists GOTNO LERNIN, pruf reedr SYLVESTER P. SMYTHE, janitor

CONTENTS STAR TRACKS

Outrageous Outerspace Offering!. 6 CRACKED INTERVIEWS THE RESORT KING

Ridiculous Resort Report!. 43 SAGEBRUSH

Westward Ho, Ho, Ho!. 49 A CRACKED LOOK AT A RACETRACK

Hysterical Horsey Hoopla!. 26

FREE BONUS POSTER! Carefully detach complete cover at

staples and poster is ready for hanging!

AIRPLOT 1975 Ultimate Aviation Absurdity!. 28

IF OTHER INDUSTRIES GAVE REBATES Dumb Discount Department!. 15

IF NEWSPAPERS CARRIED PICTURES TO MATCH THEIR HEADLINES

Nonsensical Newspaper Narrative!. 17 KNIGHTS N' DAZE

Hilarious Helmeted HiJinks!. 49 YOU KNOW YOU'RE A T.V. ADDICT WHEN

Parental Homespun Hokum. 24 WHEN THE WORLD RUNS OUT OF SPACE

Our Look At The No-More-Room Boom!. 11 A TEENAGER IS

Addlebrained Adolescent Antics!. 40 CRACKED GUIDE TO SELF-RECOGNITION

A Key To Bodily Balderdash!. 38 SHUT-UPS

Surefire Conversation Stoppers!. 50 MONOPO-OIL

Oil’s Well That Ends Well!. 20 CRACKED TRACES A SPINOFF

Prime-Time Put-On!. 34 STANLEY

Satirical Stoneage Stupidity!. 48

CRACKED Magazine is published monthly except February. April. June. December

and copyright 1975 by Major Magazines Inc.. 235 Park Ave. S.. New York. N.Y. 10003.

SECOND CLASS POSTAGE paid at New York, N.Y. and additional mailing offices.

Copyright <© 1975 by MAJOR MAGAZINES INC. All rights reserved. Copyright under

the Universal Copyright Convention and International Copyright Convention Copy¬

right reserved under the Pan-American Copyright Convention. Todos derechos reser-

vados segun la Convencion Pan-Americana de Propiedad Literaria y Artistica. Title

trademark Registered in U.S. Patent Office. Publisher cannot be responsible for un¬

solicited letters, manuscripts or artwork although every effort will be made to return

such matter when accompanied by a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Single copy

price. 50 cents. Subscription (8 issues) in the United States and possessions is S4.00.

PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES.

SEPT 1975

WHAT’S UP FRONT OUR COVER

LETTICE from Readers

ADDRESS AU LETTERS TO CRACKED LETTUCE. 235 PARK AVENUE SOUTH. N.T.. N.Y. 10003

Dear CRACKED, We love to read your maga¬

zine, and that’s not all. We used to color it, too, but now that we re much older, we use oil paints. Issue #126 was just about the best yet, except for one thing. We tried some of your wacky tricks (The CRACKED Guide To Magic’) on our Aunt Freda and she disappeared.

Alexi & Viki Rutsch Pelham, N.Y.

Dear Alexi & Viki, We re happy you like us and

sorry about your aunt. Guess you can color her "gone." We don't know where she went, but if we see her, we ll let you know. Would it help if we sent you a roadmap?

Dear CRACKED, I think your magazine is the

best. I really loved Chariot of the Clods' and 'Ye Hang-Ups,’ CRACKED #122. Why don't you do an article on The Night Stalk¬ er?'

Don Knapp Dunkirk. N.Y.

Dear Don, We've sent 7 of our staff out to

get the goods on the Night Stalk¬ er, and none have returned. We'd like to help ya, Don, but if you want an article on this guy, you’ll have to do it yourself.

Dear CRACKED, While reading #123, I came

across an error that was so bad, I can never forgive you. It was the word 'alot.' Now any fool with an I.Q. of 95 knows that 'alot' is nev¬ er written as one word.

Critically Yours, The one-and-only:

Nick Akmakjian

Dear Nick, Thank you for pointing out the

mistake made by our proof-read¬ ing guru. We can assure you an error of this magnitude will nev¬ er again occur in this peerless periodical. Thanksalot.

Dear CRACKED, I've been reading the letters

in CRACKED lately. I’ve noticed that nobody writes about Sage¬ brush' and the reptile in that strip that is prejudiced against man. P.S. If reptiles are so smart how come they can’t throw beer cans?

Joseph Fernandez New York, N.Y.

Dear Joe, Good question, and a tough

one to answer. Actually, reptiles have traditionally scorned the use of alcohol, preferring to sun themselves on a log or visit a zoo.

Dear CRACKED, I enjoy your magazines a lot,

but there's one thing that gets me. If I want to cut out any cou¬ pons, I always have to cut out a part of a cartoon. Is there any way of solving that problem?

Scott Rogers Ocean Springs, Miss.

Dear Scott, Yes! Buy 2 magazines. One for

cartoons and one for coupons!

Dear CRACKED, Boy, your Great Moments in

Medicine' about the hearing aid was so goofy. Could you do one on Little House on the Prairie,' or'Rhoda,?

Thanks. Missy (the Iron Horse) Ouvoc

Brentwood, Missouri

Dear Missy, One down, two to go. We

might do 'Little House on the Prairie' at some future date, if it hasn't been condemned oy then. We called Rhoda to get her O.K., but she was out. We ll keep trying.

4 ;i! 3ui3uBipxa paB roonsuifo joj aaBoijnjaa }jt3 e 8uuia3 a« C13M0VUD

jSutqooj si auo ou uaq.u xoqn®ai aq* a! laijaj eqi tfuijind Xq duicjs BJtBjsod b uo babs oj 3uiajj si Q3HDVH0

Dear CRACKED, I know you get a lot of fan mail,

but do you give a gift for writing to you? If you do please tell me.

Todd Vierk Mt. Clemens, Mich.

Dear Toddio, Matter of fact, we do. We do¬

nate one piece of insect feed to the ant farm of your choice. On second thought, you should send us a gift for doing this magazine

Dear CRACKED, I want to see how really smart

you are. What's the most CRACKED thing you can say to me?

John Weldon Houston, Texas

Dear John, Quetolonn pie 1st sak nerblot-

chic ramanowiki curtolp. And daer dekcarc yreve eussi. P.S. If you're CRACKED, you're happy!

IT’S A JUNGLE OUT THERE!

Dear CRACKED, I’ll bet you won’t print this just

because it’s not funny enough. Steven Klein

Montreal, Quebec

Dear Steve, You were right. But we’re

CRACKED enough to do it any¬ way!

Dear CRACKED, I read Collectors’ Edition No.

6 about ’The Rodfather’ and Bul¬ let.’ Rodfather was full of holes!

Robert Whiley Camden, N.J.

P.S. I’d like to see you do ’Star- trek.’

Dear Bobby Baby, Look at the positive side. At

least the Rodfather won’t have to worry about air-conditioning this summer. As far as "Star- trek,” (the only thing that’s far¬ ther out than we are), your wish has been our command. Just turn the page, read and enjoy!

ItlM M’l ®r /]

v>*=i

What with pollution in the air,

muggers on the streets and wild animals, like squirrels and rabbits roaming around,

or an occasional lion or tiger

(if you live near the zoo—or in a jungle).

So, play it safe—stay at home

in your tree or your house or your treehouse, and get

CRACKED by mail.

Subscribe now.'

CRACKED SUBSCRIPTIONS 235 PARK AVE. SOUTH NEW YORK. N.Y. 10003

Here’s my FOUR DOLLARS. Please put me on your subscrip¬ tion list real fast. I want lots of large laughs?

NAME

ADDRESS

CR

AC

KE

D

is in

ven

ting

plastic

termites

for

peo

ple

with

modern

ho

mes!

. ... 1 About ten years ago a T.V. show came on the air that was watched by thousands. Un¬ fortunately, to remain on the big tube you have to be watched by millions. Well, the show died, but not its popularity. Today, more people than ever before are turning on their T.V.

sets to see

Space—the last place to go. These are the adventures of the Starship Centipede. Sent on a special all-expense-paid five year mission, it's purpose —to examine new planets; to look for different civilizations and to go tiptoeing boldly to places where man has never

gone before.

Mr. Spocky, you I know Captain but I was just doing what the

introduction said ...

know that room is off limits to you.

Captain’s diary. Star date . .. anyone got a calendar?

Our mission was to explore the planet Change in the galaxy Money and discover it’s secret. The beam not working, we

were sent down in a new way devised by Spocky.

LADIES

<{

I ¥

n I go swimming now

like you promised?

Later, Doctor. Looking about

Spocky, I get the; feeling

that I’ve been here before.

It is quite possible, Captain. This is

twentieth time they’ve rerun this episode.

mm Halt! Who are you?

I’m Captain Quirk and this

is Mr. Spocky and Mr. McDecoy. We’re from the

Starship Centipede and your

planet has been chosen by our computers at random

for us to explore and, also, possibly to interest you in

purchasing this combination

twenty volume encyclopedia and potato masher.

Excuse me, but why is

this planet called Change?

It is a secret known only to it’s inhabitants, Mr. Spocky.

Can we ask some of them?

Turnips? Quick, let’s take this

man back to the ship and examine him. Perhaps we can find out what’s going on here. Spocky,

have you devised a way to beam

us back to the ship?

CU

AC

KE

I) is puttin

g y

our ra

dio

in th

e re

frigera

tor lie-

cause

vou w

ant to

listen to

som

e co

ol m

usic

!

LI ;joajjs oqj Smssojo

qoiseas 3uii?d3 pun oaiuo \ 01 Suioi* si aaMOVHO

| '.y. ttM

How I wish your people had

never landed on my planet.

I'm sure property rates

won't decline that much

It seems everyone who

does experiences strange,

incurable symptoms.

Nonsense. I was there and nothing's different

ibout me ... except this

terrible acne problem

ve suddenly developed.

Mr. Spocky, I wonder why it's called planet Change

Capt. Quirk, your hair is growing and your

uniform is turning into a dress —and all the

hairs on your legs are falling off. Why, you're

turning into a woman before my eyes!

Quick Spocky, before

it's too late, tell me ..

Am I cute?

vsfftm

m

mm

My ear! My pointed

little ear! Half my

personality is gone. We're doomed!

Captain, after talking to our Specimen, I figured

out why they call that planet down there... oh,

I see you figured it out for yourself.

What I cannot

figure out though

Dr., is why you

and Captain Quirk are suffering

while I am not. Superiority,

perhaps?

I don't know

I just don't

know ... by

the way.

Spocky you

dropped this.

Boney, what is this? Is there anything we can do?

I doubt it. What's left for a

man when Clearasil fails??

;>peq i; Kuuq noX d^eui aoijod oqi SuiAuq pun snojp oqj qq.w akam; Suiuuiu si (IHM3VHD

Scotchy, I want you to hold steady on this course

We're not leaving this planet’s orbit until we

discover w'hat's causing this. Is that understood?

And Scotchy

Thank Mr. Slooloo for

the corsage he sent me.

1 • ■ ■■ ■ ■ ■

: H I ■ AKi'AX ■

because he can't.

No, it's due

more to his

lousy acting abilities.

How about a joint attack

by the Clingtos and the

Fribbles? Capt., I'm afraid

this time we might be

captured for sure.

Capt. Quirk,

the Centipede

is developing

engine trouble. Great.

What

else can

happen? And just when I haven't

a decent thing to wear.

Scotchy, I'm going out of the ship to try to repair it.

r* Let me give you a

hand, sir.

Scotchy, don’t give me that old

I’m not. I'm only

giving you your arm.

You dropped it.

tD C • *-«

&

co > c

x: *->

o s o -

C/5 U

3 2 x> u Q> &p

■eg ~ > be—

Is <20

</) _

51

o« <a,

Sa

Well. I see you're all back to normal I think I've found out what's causing our problems. It

seems when we stepped down onto that planet, the

element Hahnoil was sucked into our bloodstream

causing our Rotterdam to expand and the gamma

globulin in our tibia to expostulate.

Yes. By the way, what happened to the

attacking Clingtos and Fribbles?

They had to stop; they all got called back

to their planet for jury duty. What's that mean

in layman's terms'

It means there's five minutes

left to this episode and if each

of us takes two Turns we'll be all right.

This is the planet Cancellation

and we’re being honored by its

inhabitants. You mean we

did it?

IfiWY

* * • * « *

I -

And did you

find what was

causing the

ship to act up?

So, that’s where

my other earring

Yes, sir. We found 0 went to.

this caught in

engine.

Not quite.

We have to

dock on that

planet below

to attend a

testimonial dinner.

Well. I guess

that’s it for

tonight.

We’re the only survivors of a

cancelled program ever to be shown

more times than "I Love Lucy!"

Already the population explosion has led to intolerable' conditions the world over. On the overcrowded Los Angeles freeways, fire engines are still going to last week's fires. In New York, churches are now selling chances on parking spaces. So what’s it going to be like in thirty years when the world's population again doubles? CRACKED offers a preview of what to expect...

CAUTION: Room occupants

must not broathe in ond out at

tho same time1 OCCUPANCY BY

WORE THAN PERSON?IS

DANGEROUS

lc UNLAWFUL !

YOU'RE ON CLOUD NINE WHEN YOU OWN A

BALLOON HOME! * Avoid bill collectors forever! * Just release sandbags and drift

away! * Down-to-earth mortgage rates

with no balloon payments!

Tomorrow's car pool will call for the maximum utilization of space.

PINOCHLE PLAYERS ASSEMBLE IN THE - LUGGAGE a i

DEPARTMENT' .

Apartments Available

TOWERING TOWERS

Free Oxygen to all

tenants above the

500th floor

Tomorrow's skyscrapers will dwarf the Empire State Building.

* A- . . r,

CR

AC

KK

I) i

s n

ot

spea

kin

g t

o y

our

wif

e in o

ver

a v

ear

bec

ause

yo

u d

idn

't w

ant

to i

nte

rru

pt

her!

CR

AC

KK

I) is plan

ting p

itklis u

psid

e dow

n so

that

in¬ stead

of w

arts yo

u

hav

e dim

ples!

;ua\o inoA anu noX auqa ipnui os q^eaq s ojdood aaqao oa Sutquup si Q3M3VH3

Sports events will be hampered by limited space

IN TH/$ PARK EVERY CALL (S A

'CLOSE' ONE!

Spectators in

_ first three rows * must duck when

batter

pockets of ballplayers!

To reduce world population, children will be trained at an early age to abhor the opposite sex.

Couples will require

wouldn’t you RATHER NAVE TH/S

p/APER-FREE s. FACSIMILE? ^

FORMS MUST RE FILLED OUT IN • QUAPRUPUCATE .

LITTLE BOV5 ARE MApE OF FROGS ANP SNAILS ANP PUPPY

-X BOGS1 TAILS! r

LITTLE GIRLS ARE MAPE OF TETSAM, FLOTSAM ANP

r PIZZA PIE CRUSTS l. m

OUT OF THIS WORLD OFFER!!!

2 FREE ACRES TO ALL FAMILIES WILLING

TO EMIGRATE TO THE MOON

You ore only 250.000 miles away from spacious

uncrowded LUNAR ESTATES

Privacy booths will be set up to alleviate the tension from

overcrowded living.

Eventually, people will be encouraged to emigrate to the moon.

;so.\nui .\p<K|ou n?t| i Jluidoij pui; |.\\of| aotlngoqi 1,? ^ldo,»<l (t(N»'nft -‘qi J<> ajnj.iicl v. si (IM>l.>V>1.)

Ultimately, when the moon and other planets of our solar system are overpopulated, governments will launch advertising

campaigns to induce people to leave this world for the next one.

offer also includes free tombstone

TEN PACKS A DAY IS THE ACCEPTED WAY

TO PUFF AWAY

* Note: It is illegal to use ony type of filter on th

government issue cigorettes.

KUNG-FU FIGHTERS! , Don't waste our limited natural resources by practicing on wood and bricks... r

PRACTICE ON PEOPLE!

IF YOU HAVE A GRUDGE WITH SOCIETY, SETTLE IT THE OLD-FASHIONED VIOLENT WAY ...

And what better way is there to encourage people to leave the material world then by depicting the hereafter in glowing terms?

Move up by moving down

IS A PRESTIGIOUS ADDRESS * Napolean * Genghis Khan * Adolf Hitler * Billy the Kid

are just a few of the celebrities you’ll be rubbing pitchforks with

Heated Sulfur Baths Red Hot Point Ovens in Every Room Play Shuffleboard with Live Coals

Equal

Hereafter Opportunity

14

SCALE or

neighborhoods, no one will even know the difference.)

WHAT A | SIP-OFF ,

As everyone knows by now, business has been pretty bad all over. Corporation af¬ ter corporation has been try¬ ing everything to come up with that one magic ingredi¬ ent that will stir up sales again. Well, to date, it seems the best gimmick was the one used by the auto indus¬ try a few months back and, CRACKED figures if it work¬ ed for them, why not for oth¬ er companies. Yup, think how fast our economy would recover

But hurry!

Order before midnight tonight!

(... or tomorrow night!)

... we've been living up to

our name for over 20 years

The way we work is simple. We'll defend any

known criminal this month, in our usual way and

when the verdict (and our bill) is in, he will

receive a rebate of $200. You can’t lose,

'cause if we don’t get you off the hook, you

get an extra $100- and that's almost guaranteed.

So, what are you hidin'out for... now’s the time to

visit Smith. Smith, Sayer and Goatjuice and get some

extra cash in your pocket

Smith, Smith, Sayer and Goatjuice's

mm

Are you a criminal hiding out from justice- afraid to show your face

because one step out and-ZAP, you’ll be arrested-and you know

you just don’t have the money you need for a good lawyer?

Relax-now's the time to come out of hiding during

Have any NEVERLAST Swimming

Pool installed in your backyard by

April and receive a rebate of $500

good towards the purchase of a sec¬

ond pool for your yard.

Now, you don't have to be a one-pool

family like the Jones' any longer.

You can turn this:

What a deal —you’ve said our inferior slacks wear out too quickly at the

knee, well now (with this great deal) —when the left leg goes, sew your rebate on and you’ll have an almost new pair of slacks. (You'll look a

little weird, but if you hang out in dim light or awful

the top name in inferior slacks is oat to

increase sales with this amazing rebate offer:

Buy any pair of Sleezy Slacks and the cashier will give you a cash re¬

bate of 38« and the left leg of any other Sleezy Slack on the rack.

Into this:

IS HAVING A BIRTHDAY BLOWOUT!!! Buy 10 boxes of Brandex Tissues (at our usually

ridiculous price) and receive o rebate of $2.00 in

cosh and a free noseholr from a stage, screen

or TV star. Now. there's a deal worth nosing into!

THE LOOK OUT EMPLOYMENT AGENCY can get you a job—

All we ask of you is time, patience and a 10% rebate from your first year's salary.

(in business for over 11 months)

dares the competition to match this offer!!

With every date you order by November 10th, receive a rebate of one free phone number from our "Funny Folder File."

Enclosed in this file are the phone numbers of dates rejected by our computer a dozen or more times. We like to call them "hard-to-place" dates-you might have another name for them; like creeps, mama’s-boys or dogs.

But, you’ll never know what you might have found, unless you act today!

Plattsburg Paints just sent me my

rebate.

messy thing you're wearing

Fred?

What

is it?

RECEIVE 2 CAMELS*!! When you stay at the fabulous, downtown Siesta Hilltown located on the world's

largest beach... the beautiful, romantic SAHARA DESERT! ..

Enjoy a year-’round tan (not to mention the raptures of sun-poisoning, and excitement and exhaltation of dehydration.) \.U

So come on across

(with your money) and save! guests must stay a minimum of 40

weeks to qualify for rebate!

How many times have you read a headline in a newspaper and then found the story and picture to be the complete opposite of what you thought it would be? It’s happened to us and prompted the creation of this next article,entitled . . .

IF NEWS- I

I 111

PICTURES TO MATCH

• • • uo28,v\3uiod{0;vvc J^AOunjSui0qsiQ3^3vy3

BLEYERVILLE GAZETTE Late news! (We never make it on time!) 15C

KWIHIIiliUltliPga If we print it—doubt its validity

CATALANO TIMES

WILLYVILLE WEEKLY This paper

The only weekly published every day 19C-no pennies | much! WEASELYILLE LEADER

MIAMI NEWS WEAKLY ★ Today's weather: There will be some.

C74e 25C 20C ★ Stocks: Brokers down 10 stories.

non-cents

Free Gift, see page 93 ★ ★ ★ 90 news-packed pages • 15C If you liked yesterday s news— here it is again

New Frozen Food Recipes

Inside ANCHORAGE

GAZETTE Si-

change is too cold

THE MBGSWAMP JOURNAL Today 30C Tomorrow—25C and sinkin

A new game is sweeping the Near East. It reflects the new-found

economic power of the Arab world. Not since the introduction of

the harem has a plaything generated so much interest. We are

referring, of course to the most popular of all parlor games...

BRIEF IDEA OF THE GAME

The idea of the game is to buy, control, and manipulate as much as possible, through oil holdings, while still observing the ancient golden rule—He who owns the gold, rules.'

RULES

Rules of MONOPO-OIL are similiar to MONOPOLY with a few minor exceptions.

TO START THE GAME —Each player is given ten billion in petty cash, fifty wives and five goats.

The player who shouts the most stirring battle-cry against Israel gets to roll the dice first.

MISCELLANEOUS —Non-Arab players are invited to play, provided they observe decorum, i.e., they must not get pushy and try to own more than Texas and Oklahoma. (See Game Board)

OIL WELLS AND REFINERIES —When a player owns a complete color group he can start building up to 4 oil wells on his property. He may then erect a refinery after delivering the four oil wells to the Bank. (It is very desirable to erect refineries on account of the exorbitant price-gouging which may be engaged in.)

OIL WELL AND REFINERY

GAME TOKENS

‘Note- If in the course of the gome a non-Arob player monoges to accumulate some wealth, it is suggest¬

ed that Arab players band together and formulate new game rules.

20

i

13WSI>I

331 ad 331yd 33iad

S3NI1 3Nisnown

3HN3AV aavA3inoa HVNia d31SVId

NOmiW 093$ Nomiw 09z$ 33ldd 33ldd

3DN3AV 3DVld

VISINfU Vld301V

NOmiW 08Z$ 33ldd

3DN3AV

ODDOdOW

30AOH

snoa

sxaoM d31VM

SISVO

o*y \ )v .A o*

V...00 c.fc

M©N©P©-®IL COPYRIGHT <0 1974 BY OPEC

(ORGANIZATION OF PETROLEUM EXPORTING COUNTRIES) ANY ATTEMPT BY WESTERN POWERS TO SET UP A SIMILAR GAME IS A

COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT AND WILL BRING FORTH THE WRATH OF ALLAH!'

<S c\*

c# o * A*

a-°*

<?’•. ..u c*• •

V.. jS

eV.^

..fc

TRANS SAHARA

CARAVAN

CASABLANCA BOULEVARD

PRICE $100 MILLION

PRICE

$200 MILLION

SULTAN TAX

YOU PAY SULTAN 50%

OR YOUR RIGHT ARM

TEXAS

MAY BE

OWNED BY

NON-ARAB

PLAYER

OPEC COMMUNITY

CHEST

O z _ O'

o < o

Sd z > LU LU O' CD u_ ^ Q_ Q

U. 3 o ^ o

CO «/)

CO

Z

< s o

X <

£ => 5 *

to a. o o CO </»

OKLAHOMA vy\\> .

MAY BE

OWNED BY NON-ARAB

PLAYER

PRICE S60 PRICE $60

21

KISMET AND OPEC CARDS

KISMET YOU HAVE BAD BREATH.

TO FRESHEN IT

YOU BUY A MINT...

THE U.S. MINT l 0

KISMET

YOUR SULTAN DAD CUTS YOU

OUT OF HIS WILL...

he leaves you only $10 Million.

KISMET

ft

SORRY! THAT TRILLION DOLLAR

1 OIL WELL YOU 1 DISCOVERED IN YOUR ■ BACKYARD WAS A ONLY A MIRAGE

OPEC COMMUNITY CHEST

YOU TAKE PITY ON THE LESS

FORTUNATE...,

YOU SEND A $2 BILUON DOLLAR CARE PACKAGE TO THE ROCKEFELLERS

r\

KISMET

YOU ARE CAUGHT EATING A LOX

AND BAGEL

SANDWICH.

SURRENDER EITHER TEN WIVES OR TWO GOATS

OPEC COMMUNITY CHEST

PAY CAMEL TAX

YOU MUST EITHER

SURRENDER FRANCE ANO GERMANY...

OR AGREE TO ACCEPT NEW JERSEY

KISMET

YOU GET LUCKY

IN ARAB

POKER GAME

... you win Italy, Japan and

Raquel Welch.

KISMET

FOR HIS BIRTHDAY YOU GIVE YOUR SON A SET OF /

BLOCKS... \ ...34th STREET, (

TIMES SQUARE NJ AND WALL STREET i

OPEC COMMUNITY CHEST

OIL DEBT ERROR IN YOUR FAVOR.

COLLECT DUPONT,*^ I.B.M..

AND GENERAL ELECTRIC

_ OPEC -LJ COMMUNITY CHEST

YOUR SON WOULD LIKE TO STUDY THE

STARS... YOU BUY HIM HOLLYWOOD

TITLE DEED

EFFENDI BOULEVARD

RENT $26 MILLION

WITH 1 OIL WELL S130 MILLION

WITH 2 OIL WELLS S390 MILLION

WITH 3 OIL WELLS S900 MILLION

WITH 4 OIL WELLS Si 100 MILLION

with REFINERY you may charge all that the traffic

will bear

WARNING

DO NOT UNDERSELL THE ABOVE OPEC ES¬

TABLISHED PRICES, OR MAY THE FLEAS OF A DISEASED CAMEL INFEST THE HAIR OF YOUR FIRST-BORN

EFFENDI

BOULEVARD

PROPERTY'S SUBJECTS MAY BE SOLD INTO

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When it comes to things that are habit-forming, the only competition cigarettes has is—television. The

followers than the Pied Piper. But some people get "hooked" on TV. They'll watch their set when it's turned

In the interest of public health (and to give people more time to read our magazine) CRACKED presents this

Boob-Tube, Idiot-Box or One-Eyed Monster has made friends faster than a 20-game winner and has more

off and suffer withdrawal symptoms whenever they hear the national anthem,

expose on the tell-tale warning signs. We think you'll agree that...

• • • the only thing,

rp,ry poid ,or ♦rlgerafor and color TVI

... all the game shows don't seem

alike to you!

station Wr'loa *°,,or ’° your lot 6 ol c°niplalnlng their 2 o.n

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Wanna know what goes on at a typical racetrack? Besides the usual horsing around,that is. Well, CRACKED will give you the straight scoop. Settle back as we stop with our stall already and take ..

5^4 Which runs

faster; horses or trains?

My horse I stopped a Why, trains of course!

was so slow, the jockey carried

a change of saddle!

runaway horse yesterday. I bet on him!

mind when my horse lost the

race. But when he came over to the grandstand

and said, 'Which way did they go?" -that was too much!

Where can I place a bet

in your building? So how come you don't bet

on trains! elevator boy He'll take

Yesterday I bet on a horse

so slow, he was arrested for

loitering!

Mine was a great horse. It took eleven other horses to beat him!

Now, there's a man

who knows horse _flesh!

Oh? Is he a

trainer?

How do you make a slow race horse

fast? No, a butcher!

I cleaned up at the

track today.

All day long it's nag, nag, nag!

Are you LJ No, a o bettor? Pjonltor!

I can't believe you've

sworn off gambling.

I don't play the horses

for money. I play strictly for laughs.

Last week I laughed away my car,

-\ r——Wanna hear > my iu<*?

MjWr JwLC MV jockey broke

( rS his le9' and ,he horse

^^ jshot him!

Would you shoot a horse with a broken

leg?

No, I d shoot him with a gun!

I just heard the Kentucky Derby

race is for three-year olds. Isn't it disgusting

what some parents will do for money!

I had a good day at

the track yesterday. I

didn’t go!

If Paul Revere rode the horse

I bet on, we d still be under British rule. My brother

is a real horse player. He went

to horse show at Madison Square Garden, looking for

the ^ wind°w*

I hear they're putting ** in a special window J for women bettors,

A SI .98 window! '

I bet on a horse called

radish. I al ways wanted to say:

C mon, horse Radish!"

break even today. I need the money!

This tout promised me

my horse would walk in. And he did. Trouble is,

the other horses were running!

Did you No. my bring the wife blew money to it on the

bet? rent!

Your horse

won the sixth

race? That’s wonderful!

I could have

sworn I saw

a green mare on

the track!

How did a

6 5 guy

become a

jockey?

That's a

horse of

another

color.

Helled about his

height! Wrong! He

started in

the fifth race!

A race track is

a pretty strange

place. Here, the

windows clean

the people!

f If you’re a 1 haven’t

J jockey, how H been riding

come you don’t A long enough to

have a riding 1 get the habit!

habit? • ^

A couple of years ago there was a novel called "Air¬ port.” It was read by millions and subsequently made into a high-grossing movie. Well, the old Hollywood adage is, "If they liked it once, give it to them again." And alas, they did, in a horrendous sequel entitled

You always say that.

Where do you want it to go? Allum, before I leave on my

next flight, I have to talk with

you—about us. Our

relationship seems to be going

nowhere.

What boys

You gave

it to me

last

month!

I don't know,

but I've been going with you

since the second grade and all you've

given me thus far is a bullfrog.

Mom, isn't that Glorium Swansong

the movie actress? Captain Stately, we would like you

to delay take-off. An ambulance

is rushing to your plane. I bet

Dad

worked

on her

too.

Yes, but why be in awe of her when

your father i* head of airline maintenance?

He's much more important.

He keeps these old wrecks running

in top form.

whot

makes

ou look

he way

'ou do?

my lad —

Revlon,

Max Factor

and old

age.

She arrived by

taxi twenty minutes ago

The ambulance is

bringing the inflight

movie to you. The chief

steward forgot it.

EXORCIST

"•Him?

If she doesn't get a new

kidney soon, it's certain

death.

Golly Noncy, this is my

first flight. I hope

I don't get my coffee,

tea or milk, line mixed c

Oh, I'm so nervous.

n? I was hoping

iy acne would

cover that.

Hey, watch

it lady! I ain't

dead yet!

Why are you leaving in such lousy

weather, Karate?

Why not? Youi

*oice has got

to be better

than

O.K., flaps up—no smoking sign

off—plane on automatic pilot.

Gulio, how are the new engines?

Hello, sick girl.

I'm Sister

Humalong. Is

that your guitar?

Well, wake it up!

)ese airline cutbacks

to save fuel will

be the death

of me yet.

your

acting.

song

The second engine seems to be

falling asleep, Captain.

What's that in

ayman's talk?

A what? Ladies and

gentlemen, for

your entertainment

£ Captain Stately, the west

coast is fogged in, so

t we're diverting you to

1 Salt Lake City. I'll give

7 you a new vector.

Today's

feature presentation

vill be highlights of Evel

Knievel's jump over the

Snake River Canyon.

Oh good,

something to

take my mind

off the fear of

flying.

A vector!

Directions!

-147 North

Turn left at the

first cloud,

dummy.

now

I remember my first trip as a little Dear, you look like

you're in pain.

Kidneys again?

Do you? Was the Mayflower

really as rough as they say?

Look! That little plane is coming

straight toward us! Oh, No!

an attack

of heart! Maybe it thinks this 747 is

it's mother.

Noncy, this may be a stupid question,

being that I'm new and all,

but is there always a

big hole like that in the cockpit?

I think you

should know

that I was the

only kid in my

high school to

flunk

driver's ed.

Salt Lake City,

this is

Noncy Prying,

stewardess.

All our pilots are

either dead or

injured. Help us

We read you, Noncy —

you've got nothing to worry

about. Just sit behind the

wheel and hold her steady.

It's as easy as driving a Not usually

How about

cuts and

bruises caused

by an airplane

crash?

Has she had

much flying

time?

Noncy, this is

Allum. I'm going

to talk you in.

Can't you just forget

our fight for a few

minutes?

Miss, I saw two

men go floating

by my window a

little while ago

and they looked a

lot like our pilot

and co-pilot.

It's all right.

They were just

stepping out

for some air.

My, yes!

Close to

five minutes

worth.

Chief

Stewardess

Noncy Prying

You hurt me.

A woman doesn't

forget neglect

and mistreatment.

it's you! I'm sorry

Allum, but I'm not

speaking to you.

1 want you to pull yourself together, go

downstairs and tell those

passengers that everything is all right.

m ■ Attention everyone, this is your new stewardess,

1 EE3. Si f 7^

Max. That bump we hit was (sob) nothing.

Everything is (cry, slobber, cry) all right and we'll

be (sniffle) crashing any minute. Please fasten your (sob,

L* Ihink you can do it? K wrw sniffle, flood) seatbelt and prepare to (cry, boo hoo) die!

That Sister Humalong is

amazing. All right, now, the 3 With your finger,

automatic pilot is J® Is the plane flying

marked 'automatic H straight now?

pilot.' Press it.

J No. but the

windshield wipers

I don't have an iron. — are working just fine

No, the way she can

still play that guitar

even though she's

wearing gloves.

The way she boosted

all our spirits by saying

everything will be all right?

Joe? How's the weather? O.K., Noncy, we decided

we re gonna drop a

pilot into your plone

who'll then fly you in.

Noncy, is

that my

hus¬ band?

the plane f The

weather's fine. Sure, but

make it

quick. He

radioed

collect.

He’s fine—Noncy, where

are you going?

Noncy,

big problem It's the only way.

This way, if you miss once

you'll spring back and

we can try again.

Are you sure this is the

easiest way of dropping me

into that plane

—strapping me to this yo-yo?

Worse! We've run

out of tea. Now

I can't "coffee,

tea or milk" anymore

What; Max? Did

the wing fall

off? The

plane crack?

4 1

Allum, he's floating away! He didn't make it!

Well, there's only one man left to try.

sorry. No boarding pass

no entry. Regulations,

you know.

What brave? I'm talking about you

You're the star of this disaster.

Joe, you re

a brave man Yes, it is. Do you have a

boarding pass, sir?

Allum, you came to apologize

Did you bring me flowers?

Ladies and gentlemen, we now have a pilot on

board who's got an excellent record.

Unfortunately, that record

is not for navigation. And . . . Max

what are you doing?

weirdo

gonna What do

you want me to

do this time?

wen, we ve

got another

problem—no

brakes.

Noncy, you've gotta

help out again.

Will they survive

Will they arrive safe Lean out of

the hole there and drag

your foot along

the runway.

For the answer to tw

and other questions

see

AIRPLOT We re doomed

(Well, you didn t

think we were gonna

stop with just

\ V

Noncy,

let me

in.

f \V A

M

34

The latest trend on TV these days is taking one of the minor characters from a hit

show and giving him or her a series of His or her own. Now, iff this continues, one day

there's gonna be more spinoffs than cops on TV. "How is this possible?" you ask. Well,

because there's no end to the number of series that can be created from the original as you'll soon see when

A while back. Norman Leary and friends produced a thoroughly enjoyable show called All In The Familiar."

Glaria, I know you and Mikrophone are angry at one another, but the only way your marriage will last

is if you both learn to put up with things. Like take your father

and me—during the football season he won't pass me the salt at dinner

unless I go out three yards.

But Mom, you take

everything Daddy dishes out.

going-an what did

he do? Not so. Last night I told him that I was sick of watching football on TV.

He turned the TV off and we listened to the game on the

radio, instead

|S?;

,

MAWDE, how come you always wear

such long

It hides my fat legs. Waltner. I only want the best parts

of me showing.

9

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And, you guessed it —out come

Good Tymes."

Now, Norman Leary, not one to stop at three shows, noticed that there was still another character on "All

In The Familiar that could be exploited, so out came

The Jeffonsons.

G.G., stop watching television and go do

your homework. I can t Mama— | I’m celebrating.i

Celebrating what?

Ljfr- ^ - The fact that

I ain’t doing my homework.

fmmm

The son will grow up, have a dog,

they'll move to a cave and low and behold we ll see

Oh,yeah. He s

only been out there an hour

looking for the dumb thing!

174V'

After awhile, the dog will become loved, that he'll have his own show.

What's tonight's | TV Guide says: “After two years of fetching

episode. Mabel? | Flash finally returns with his stick."

m

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Now Norman Leary, in an attempt to keep his shows

high in the ratings, will devise a special in which all of the characters from the Leary shows thus far will

appear at a big party.

>v.*

As the months progress, Mr. Leary will find it neces¬

sary to compete with Rhonda" and "Mary Tyler Moose. So a major event on All In The Familiar" will occur.

And of course from out of this special

none other a new program

than Monti the Caterer

Mugsy, the cave—it’s starting to collapse

—but only where we're standing.

It’s a message. The cave is telling us that crime

doesn’t pay. And you thought this cave was just a couple of stones.

Where’s Flash, Mom?

I dropped my earring

outside and he went to look for it.

I Mugsy, I’m going straight and after staying here and

| getting the message, I'll never take a cave for granite again

Tell me, West Virginia, how

did you like being my maid a 11 those years. w'ntmi*

Oh fine, except one I thing made me nervous

Except maybe your

brains, dingbat.

No, doing the sheets!

Doves? Please sir, I

don't want to overdo it. It's only my daughter's

first birthday.

U.K., so you re gonna nave 2.000 guests, a 50-piece band

and a 15 course lobster

dinner. Do you want any doves flying around?

Fine, but if you’re walking out on

me, then put

back the car keys

you just took.

Meanwhile, back on Flash’s

Ma. Flash just gave

birth to three puppies

And naturally, these puppies will

grow up, go out on their own and have their own show.

I ll sav!

For the past

two years,

Flash has been a male!

Meanwhile back on Mawde, a new English maid

was added when West Virginia left, but before you know it...

I'm leaving you. Mum. Mr. Leary is

flying me overseas to film my own series.

Of course, Leary will want to hit

every minority possible, so on

The Jeffersons we’ll discover.

A heap, far away, distant cousin.

But one day, all of these spinoffs will stop. And

why? A lack of creativity? A shortage of new char¬ acters? No —

Your other shows now occupy every

time slot on all three networks.

mns

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Bizarre Body Dept.

Fat people talk about losing weight... thin people talk about gaining weight. All this talk is okay ... but how do you know for sure which category you fall

into? We now offer you some of the telltale clues in this ...

YOU KNOW YOU’RE TOO FAT WHEN... ... you pick up your little niece and

she shows you she can count to ten—

using your chins instead of her fingers!

... you're having dinner at a fancy

restaurant and the waiter brings you a

shovel instead of a knife and forkl

you go to the zoo and the elephant

... you start jumping rope in your ... you cross the street and you're hit

fourth-floor apartment and end up in by an economy car —and you're not

the basement! even scratched, but the car is totaled!

... the person sitting on the stool next

to you in the diner, is you!

YOU KNOW YOU'RE TOO SKINNY WHEN . .. you go out for the track team, and

make the squad as a javelin! ... you take a bath and pull the plug, ...you can build a ship-in-a- and you find yourself being sucked without using any special tools down the drain! _

... you win a part in the off-Broadway ...you clean your shotgun and find production of Rally Round The Flag''

you con use vour arm as a ramrod! —and you get to play the part of the

. .. your boyfriend puts his arm around your waist—several times!

Everyone has heard the rumors about teenagers.

Well, we’re here to tell you that those rumors are true, there actually are teenagers.

They're extremely hard to identify, but thanks to CRACKED, you’ll be able to recognize ’em in a minute. You will, that is, after you know that

Someone who would run

away from home if she could

figure a way to take the

phone with her!

A person who would obey his parents

completely if they would only tell him

to do as he pleasedl

Someone who eats in a Chinese

restaurant and they have to send

out for more rice!

A guy who is growing up to

be the kind of person his Somebody who regards home as a Someone who thinks a well-bal-

mother didn't want him to drive-in where Pop pays for the food anced diet is a hamburger in each

have as a friend! and drinks! hand!

homebody who puts the radio to A guy who wants his steady

their ear to listen to music every- A person who likes homework so gal to be true to him but tries

one else can hear a block away! much that he can look at it for hours! to date other guys' steadies!

A cat who thinks curbing his emo¬

tions means parking by the road¬

side!

A chick who is always ready to take

off at a moment's notice and go buy-

buy!

Somebody who sits by the

phone all evening waiting for

some action and then plays

hard-to-get by letting it ring 9

times before picking it up!

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Be it summer, winter, fall or spring, people are constantly leaving their homes to go on vacation, and

perhaps the number one spot where most people head, is the resort. Here, without leaving a fenced-in

area, you can enjoy everything under the sun (unless of course it happens to rain). Now, in case you've

never been to one of these spots or you're wondering what goes on behind the scenes, we've come to

your rescue again, for, this month...

Well actually,

there are only 10. but we say

1000 because of a slight typographical

error made when our resort brochure was

being printed.The

cost of fixing it was

just too high.

Mr. Gabonza, I'm

glad to make your acquaintance.

Hi, I'm Nanny Dickering and this month I’m at

Sleepy Acres —the fabulous, plush vacation resort

where in a few' moments .I'll be interviewing its owner and manager. Mr. Irving M. Gabonza.

Are there really 1000

ways to amusi oneself here?

Welcome to Sleepy Acres,

Nanny —home of 1000 things to do, as our

pamphlet says.

»vely—two color T.V.'s, a sofa, private bath bar ... it looks just like the picture in the

pamphlet. The guests must love it.

Well, what wrould you like to see first?

How about showing me

one of the rooms?

Oh they do—and they're constantly trying to get it

Isn't this a typical guest's room?

Are you crazy! This is my room

uoanMBJfiOA ua.\up-jnajjnBip b BotAVtj si CI3MDVHD

Where’s the And what

about the Just take your private

shower, fill up any large container

and wala!

Nanny, all we said when we used my room in the booklet was, "ONE of the

many rooms at Sleepy Acres." Can I help it if

mine is the only one like

private shower yo

mention?

THIS is a typical

guest’s room.

Right

All it has is a cot —and black walls. Your

picture in the brochure is deceiving.

SHEETS CHANGED /MONTHLY —

/MATRESS COVERS NEVER •

~Y/lf Huutigaiud

MAGNIFICENT VIEW OF A BRICK WAIL AT NO EXTRA COST

no inside Pivabing- WE told you That voi*'p 'ROUGH* *T

TlfflNG

How is this

a big game But I don’t

see any ping-pong

tables or pinball

machines.

Your rooms go for S100 a day. Are there any other fees'

room Absolutely none. Swimming, tennis, horseback riding

— they’re all free. What do you

think is hanging on

all the walls! standing

in it. But what's that $25

fee posted there? Oh, that’s what we charge a guest after we change a lock on his room. J

It’s for his own privacy and protection.

r— ■■■ ■ nawmi ; L

Oh. every time a person leaves his room. We make a fortune.

How often do you install a

Out here is our corral where each guest can do all the

free riding he wishes on any of our nine thoroughbred horses.

I notice you run a souvenir stand—pennants, pencils, matches. What do you find people want to take back

with them the most from here?

Those wrecks are thoroughbred Well, after a week’s stay, they usually wanna take back

the money they paid. They certainly are. Why that young colt overbv there was a winner in last year's Kentucky [ia

Derby. _ __Bl

he manage'that ?

I don't know his system, but he

had his S5 bet on the right horse

Mr. Gabonza. L--1 where s the •-

big game room you advertise? 1 You’re 1

notice at s right —in tact, it you

even enjoy tennis at night thanks to these lights.

We re not equipped to provide heat in

the winter and most of the tubs and

sinks usually freeze over.

How’s that done?

I realize that, but the poles are right in the middle of the court which makes playing rather

difficult. Just when did your designer build

these courts?

I believe it was one of his first jobs

What makes you say that?

He was eleven at the time

And here's the lake. Unfortunately, it dried

w’hile back. Over that hill is where we have our canoeing and salt

water swimming

During that heat wave we had last summer?

Isn't that dangerous having

both in the same lake?

It was during a heat wave all right only the one we had in 1952.

Not really. You see. you start out canoeing, but since all

our boats leak, you usually end up swimming.

And this is a section of our championship golf course.

, ~ 1 i-- [Which part are we looking at?) Probably the best part—it’s the -—-it--- only section not under water.

Do you

run any special events

at your resort?

Oh several

Everyday

wre have a big hide and seek

match.

Well, the entire taff usually hides

while all the

guests try to seek them out.

Then how can you call it a ‘championshipgolf course?

M Where’s the guy

IT with the volleyballs?

Your pamphlet states that your tennis courts were

created by the same man who designed Wimbledon.

-1 - - r-

I understand that in December,Sleepy Acres offers ice skating—and right in the privacy of your1 own

■MAI - room.

And then we also hold a big Bingo game nightly where guests can win some lovely prizes, but lately

no ones been showing up._

This area, here, is our baseball field

Mr. Gabonza there's only

two bases on that diamond.

It's a public service.

Most of our guests

are out-of-shape families and we do all we can to make

things as unstrenuous

for them as possible.

Let's dispense vith the—oops

missed again-

What's the lovely prize

An additional day: at Sleepy Acres, i

I'd have to check

the register

on that

Isn't he a little too young? Nanny, when Sleepy Acres hires

- , ' ... . r~3. i . it asks only one question. have a doctor

on the grounds one

No, how cheaply the applicant _ is willing to work. No, no— I

mean a doctor in case of accidents

for first aid?

How many acres does this resort have? You see, the main house where all the rooms are is 8 miles away and for some reason, people from the

resort just never come out here, so I rent this part out to a day camp every year.

Over 1000. And we have enough facilities to keep

everyone happy for their entire stay.

yerself

an umpire . . where's yer

seein' eye

_dog?

Looking about, all I see are young children. Don't the older

guests like to use the facilities?

I think it has something to do with

the way we designed the place.

HT ' How qualified the ipplicant really is?

m, r ’ 4 1

I \J Viv

■ Q/jM/

ow over here is our outdoor, heated, olympic-sized

pool. B-R-R-R! I thought you said this pool was heated

ized? It only seems big enough for one person to swim in at a time.

Continually

That's because it's patterned after the pool used in the 1910 Olympics

Wasn’t that the year only [Right!

one person entered all & J\ i the swimming competitions? ai / Y

)h. I know why the heating

device has' gone off.

Your pamphlet advertises home cooking and yet I haven't noticed

any dining rooms or kitchen facilities here.

That's because our home cooking

is authentic. Nanny

Rodger, your match went out

That's how you

heat the pool?-

Listen Nanny,

it isn't easy — especially when

it rains.

If you want

to eat. you gotta bring

it from home

Mr. Gabonza, this whole place

seems like one big rip-off, and yet

jitioiMJip auoqdai*} oip ui Sup«n Wij »q a*

noX asnsD®q nxwApny uojbv <>3 oojbu anoX Sudtroqo si CI3HDVH9 thanks

to human after 53 years, you haven't gone out

of business. nature

And thank you Mr. Gabonza. This is

Nanny Dickering signing off

reminding you — yot

can’t tell a book by its cover and you

sure can’t tell a resort by its

brochure. Ta-ta!

Did you ever meet a person who actually admitted to having

a lousy time oh

a vacation?

understand

Now I

understand

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4 ECOLOGICAL. ■V Disaster

We’ve got what you're looking for—something to fill in those dull times between the regular issues of CRACKED and com¬ mercials. And don't forget, they really will fit in your pocket!

Please send metheCRACKED paperbacks I have checked. I am enclosing the indicated price of each one plus 251 mailing and fondling charge.

□ CRACKED UP. 951 □ HALF CRACKED.... 751

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Total.$ -

NAME.

ADDRESS .

CITY.

STATE.ZIP.

SUDDENLY.INIOTWS FINELY TICKING

APPARATUS 16 CAST AN ABRASIVE

Foreign body-MAN'^fc>

by Murray Ball

Continuing the adventures of the Great Palaeolithic Hero

STA N IT .Y

48

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%*%AcatfrefiFErn!!

Gary, if it weren't for food stamps, I don’t know how we d

manage our budget.

SHUT-UP! Get out the other bag of tomatoes!

0* 3?

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t l>‘v

r/j in ;w>

Look, don't take my I word for it-check it/ ^

out. This is the real article! Absolute top

h *v.

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VSSi

SHUT-UP! I didn't think they'd be

nylon!

-ni

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/ /,

"cA

Oh Lance, why didn't you tell me this was a dress-up

dinner party! Look at you with that baggy old suit!

Ws

50

mm?

peopte ARen’t happy?

DON'T TOUCH

touch