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April 22nd, 2013 Volume 1, Issue 3

We are now, officially, lost. - David Shields

SketchbookMark Conway

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Insomnia is the tool o all great thinkers. Some years ago, Sigmund

Freud developed a theory o drives. An organism shall ollow its own

path to death. No matter, he had just spent many days astir in his study,

railing line aer line o airy dust and dusty cocaine to uel this remark-

able journey o intellectual discovery. We have drives. Te drive to live

the drive to die. Te drive to sleep, eat, and procreate. I see this as ironic.

(How he was able to reason out that humans have an innate drive or

sleep aer weeks o amphetamine-induced insomnia binges is still be-

ing debated by scholars. Maybe he was tired, who knows.) Aer days

without sleep, thoughts were weaving themselves around in boxes and

singing out o tune like notes rom a poorly composed opera. Whitney

Houston died in the bathtub this morning. She was tired too. Te beau-

tiul tragic kind o tired that could only ever emerge rom a emme a-

tale with skinny splinter legs and a nasty list o vices. We loved her or

all the wrong reasons. She knew her time was up long beore any o us

knew. Te operetta o her lie was approaching its nale and there was

nothing anyone could do. It was a quiet ending. She lled the tub to

the brim with warm cloudy water. Te music started to swell: and I

will always love you. We will always love you too, Whit. And then she

sank below the waters grey surace, and disappeared. Someone call 911.Te banging o chalkboard erasers. Te alarming cloud o dust. Inhale,

exhale. Another asphyxiation. Tere is no more space le in the morgue

though, well see i the deli has any room. One-inch punch, and the pig

carcass goes ying. Sleep now Whitney, we know all you ever wanted

was to dance with somebody. Dance now with the angels on the cloudy

mists o heaven. Insomnia is the tool o all great thinkers.

Drive TeoriesCaroline Paxton

When old Mother War gilds discordand her sickly and tremorous

children birth ruddy capsules,

textbook combat dies.

Bizarre hush

and her microscopic boys are holepunched,

eyes vigorously bulging

their white pulsation,

and arteries vomit lie.

Gape

Stagger

Chill

Succumb

In harsh celebrated anguish

rehearsed upon the vines

and broadcasted.

NamHeather MacIsaac

Maroon 5 is My Drug DealerSean Little

Me: Hey man, why havent you been answering your phone? My sister

and I have been standing outside or 15 minutes calling you trying to

score some weed.

Maroon 5: I was so high I did not recognize.

Me: Yeah, whatever. Hurry up man. It took us orever to get all the way

over here.

Maroon 5: Drove or miles and miles and wound up at your door?Me: Your door. We wound up at your door. God, what kind o weed is

this anyway?

Maroon 5: Sunday Morning rain.

Me: Tats an oddly depressing name or weed. Could we take a ew

hits? Youd be cool with that right?

Maroon 5: I have no choice, cause I wont say goodbye anymore.

Me: Tats kind o a weird way o arming youd like to smoke right

now, but okay. Man, this really is good. Everything is all move-y and

stuf now.

Maroon 5: Back and orth we sway like branches in a storm, change

the weather, still together when it ends.

Me: Yeah, its a lot like that.

Maggie: Let me take a hit.Maroon 5: Te re burning in her eyes.

Maggie: Oh shit, are they red?

Me: No, theyre not that bad.

Maggie: Yo, Im getting hungry now, though.

Maroon 5: I tried my best to eed her appetite.

Me: I mean, you didnt even ofer her a snack.

Maroon 5: Keep her coming every night

Me: Whoa, man. Back of.

Maroon 5: Te rhythm o her conversation, the perection o her

creation, the sex she slipped into my cofee, the way she elt when she

rst saw me.

Me: Dude, thats my sister. Shut the uck up.

Maggie: Relax, Joe.

Maroon 5: Ill never leave you behind, or treat you unkind.

Maggie: Listen to him, hes just being sweet.

Me: Hes a ucking drug dealer. O course hell never leave you behind.

Hes not going anywhere.

Maroon 5: How dare you say that my behavior is unacceptable. So

condescending unnecessarily critical. I have the tendency o getting

very physical. So watch your step cause i I do youll need a miracle.

Me: Oh so now youre threatening me? Fuck this, Im out o here.

Maroon 5: Say goodbye and just y away. When you come back, I have

some things to say.

Me: Im never coming back here. Are you kidding me?

Maroon 5: And how long has it been since someone you let in hasgiven what I gave to you?

Me: Oh, like I cant nd another drug dealer? Lets go Maggie, were

leaving.

Maggie: I think Im gonna stay here with him, Joe.

Maroon 5: Is it painul to learn that its me that has all the control?

Me: Hey, uck you, man. Whats with you anyway?

Maroon 5: I got the moves like Jagger, I got the moves like Jagger, I got

the moOoOoOoOoves like Jagger.

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A Love Unwritten: Part 3Rosemarie LeBlanc

Eva gazed into the re and listened to the noises that sur-rounded her. Te crackle o ames and whisper o wind through theleaves, the so murmur o a rushing stream and methodic crackso hammerstone against chert as he craed his blade. urning hergaze to the man sitting beore her, she wished that she knew hisname, knew anything about him. Tey communicated airly well,on a supercial level, he would point and nod and utter a word hereand there, come, sit, eat, but he seemed incapable o orminga ull sentence in his mind, but still she could see the twinkle ointelligence in his eyes and in the rhythmic motion o his hands.He was diferent than any o the men in her tribe, maybe thats be-cause he was not a man at all. Twack. Twack. Stone struck stone,again and again, the noise moving through her eet and legs, pen-etrating her core. Te action was powerul and shocking, but at thesame time there was a gentleness to it. He cared about his work andwanted to see it done right.

Nee-an-der-taal the syllables ell heavy of her tongue.thats what her mother had called him, not a man but a beast. No,he didnt seem like a beast, but not quite like a man either. He was

shorter than any o her tribe but with broad shoulders and a well-muscled chest. His protruded brow made him look like he was con-stantly brooding, but on the rare occasions he did smile his longace would light up and he would let out a pleased little grunt romthe back o his throat. Twack. Twack. She observed his handsas it chipped thin akes rom the stone core, powerul yet precise.Suddenly he laid down his hammerstone and took up a small pieceo antler that was lying next to him and Eva saw an exhibition othe delicateness o his ngers, working the edges into a sharp, use-ul tool. He is a man! Eva declared silently, Neanderthal man, she

whispered aloud.He stopped working abruptly and looked up at her. Eva

saw the re reected in his eyes and elt the heat o his stare, therewas something dark in it, a deep sadness.

No, he uttered, the single syllable silencing Eva andechoing into the dark o the orest. Casting his gaze to the cracklingames, pulling out their dinner, a leg o deer. aking a huge bite hebrandished his new blade and cut through the meat leaving just abite-sized piece in his mouth.

Wait! screamed Eva, shocked by this action and rushingacross the camp to his side. Pulling the blade rom his hands shesliced her thumb on the sharpened edge and blood rushed downher palm and dribbled onto his knee. His knie dropped to theground and he grabbed her wrist with powerul grip o an aurochsbut the tender touch o a man deeply concerned. Te ames, shin-ing in his eyes, burned hot on her cheek as he lied her thumbto his mouth, stemming the ow o blood. Te power o this kissrushed up Evas arm and ound a home in her heaving breast. Herheartbeat pounded in her ears. She yearned to make contact, to

let him know that he was not alone. His tribe was gone, his am-ily, land, way o lie: all gone, but he would never be truly aloneagain! With her healthy hand she lied his chin and brought herlips down to meet his. She elt his thick arm wrap around her waisand tasted the salt o her blood on his tongue. He would never bealone again

Next time: Part 4Te mix-up o DNA is complete. Biologicacousins become lovers, parents to the race o the uture.

Unrequited

Simon Leutz was the hottest social studies teacher ever. He

had a little head with small inset eyes, but those eyes sparkled like the i-

grisEuphrates river system he taught us about during the Mesopotamia

unit in ourth period, ninth b bhygrade World Civilizations. Mr. Leutzs

avorite blue sweater vest accentuated his blue eyes. He wore it once a

week. He was about ve oot eight, the same height as I am, and have

been since I was ourteen. His brown hair was kind o thinning and he

had a trim reddish mustache-beard that ramed his mouth. Sometimes

it was longer than others, but always trim. He wore corduroy pants and

dorky dad shoes. I tried to make him laugh and it worked.

Mr. Leutz always had a pen behind his ear. He wrote in greenink and he held his pen incorrectly, just like I do. In elementary school

they tried to make me change my writing grip by putting plastic molds

on my pencils and sending me to weird sessions or kids with learning

disabilities. I was stubborn and I would rip the plastic molds of. My

grandmother thought I was backward and my parents thought I was ex-

pressing my individuality. Te woman at the weird sessions told me i I

didnt change my grip I could never be a teacher.

Hannah Warren

Liz Hock

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im sleepless, restless

New York City night-

time

yew got light, Mam?

i extend the ame

to Polite Chinese Man

once-meeting grins

exposed little bones

lips highlighted

by Newport nicotine-

energized he strolls quick

splits rom subway scafolding

i loiter under dunken donuts

neon sign

i got re or this oreign

city

Subway Stop: Myrtle Avenue,Midnight

Hope Doucet

urn Ons?

I hate to say it but Im still at the point in my lie when it turns me on when guys smoke weed..maybe one day that wont be the case, but even

more importantly is a personality that I can vibe with. thats what makes people attractive to me. also it doesnt hurt i you love the songs Country

Roads and Oblivion as much as I do.

urn Ofs?

Ignorance, apathy, and pretentious motheruckers.

Favorite Part o your body?

My lips. When I was younger I used to think they were too thin so I would do plumping exercises which mainly involved making kissy aces.

Tankully that phase o my lie is over and Ive learned to love em. My butts not too bad either.

Hair?

Up to the individual! I like it though. I also dont think I would ever be in a relationship, sexual or monogamous, with someone who demanded I

removed it. Again, its taken a while to get to that point but theres no going back!

Favorite orm o protection?Birth control! Its a pain in the ass but i you have a regular partner things can get a lil rawer i you know what I mean.

Te Centerold Interviews: Sasha Jacobs 15

If you want to get involved, its not over!New issues fall 2013.

Addie Prochnow

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2009Director: Neill Blomkamp

Running ime: 112 min.

District 9is the rst movie I have reviewed or Te Armadillo

that has come out in my lietime. I actually remember when this movie

came out, and, though I never saw it, I really never had an interest to;

I thought it looked stupid. For the next our years the only reviews o

this movie that I heard, rom critics and peers, were positive, so I was

excited to watch it and be proven wrong. Unortunately, my 10th grade

intuitions were not proven wrong at all; this movie turned out to be a

disappointment.

Te worst part about this movie is that it starts of with such

promise. When an alien spacecra stops over Johannesburg, SouthArica, the government goes into the ship and nds numerous aliens,

derogatorily called prawns, who they proceed to put in a government

camp known as District 9. Aer 20 years o living there, the unrest be-

tween the locals and the prawns grows too great, and Wikus van der

Merwe (Sharlto Copley) is sent in to give the aliens eviction notices to

move them to a new internment camp.

Te story draws a less than subtle parallel between illegal im-

migrants in our world and the aliens o theirs. And its a great parallel;

this is a huge issue in the world, the United States especially. I wanted

this movie to be politically important, but its not. Mostly because this

idea that the movie begins with quickly alls into what is basically the

plot oAvatar, a movie with the least original plot I have ever seen.Tere is an extra element added to the plot when Merwe be-

gins to turn into an alien rom oreign liquid he accidentally sprays on

himsel on the job. As this transormation, a clear homage to Jef Gold-

blum in Te Fly, begins, Merwe beriends and eventually helps a prawn

Christopher Johnson (Jason Cope).

Both o these characters are pretty shallow, and exactly wha

you would expect rom this premise: Merwe, an mild-mannered worker

just doing his job, who is completely insensitive to the prawns; and

Christopher, an alien who is skeptical o the humans and their motives

and who longs to get back to his home planet. Te relationship is a

rom original and maybe i the characters were more developed I would

have cared about what happens to them at the end, but they arent and

I didnt. And at this point, the motis o racism and xenophobia havecompletely aded into the background, to ocus on the white man saving

the helpless race o minorities.

Maybe Im being too hard on this movie; aer all it is a sci-

action movie, and it delivers on the sci- and the action. Its visually

stunning, has great ast-paced action, and some wicked cool alien tech-

nology. But it tries so hard to be so much more than it actually is, that

you cant help but eel unsatised and disappointed.

2.5/5

Matts Movies: District 9Matt Seibert

I was in a mood. So excited. I couldnt have been happier when I got the

ateul call. It was here. I ordered online- who thought you could even

do that. Not one word o interpersonal interaction. Maybe that is where

I went wrong. I I had to say these out loud, I would have not made these

mistakes. Jalepeno poppers are incredible. Its pepper, cheese, and ried.Beautiul. Like an art orm. Kind o like mozzarella sticks, which I also

have. Do not weep, Hugo, or poppers are kind. I popped. About hal.

I opened the other. Cheese, ried, why. I ate three. Ive made a terrible

mistake. Consolidating Styrooam. Putting on motivational music. Its too

hot. Im tearing up. Not sure i its the pain in my mouth, or in my heart. Is

this what sadness eels like? Or a quadruple bypass? Teyve cooled down.

Its manageable, I say. Oh god. Tey put ries with my wings. Did I even ask

or this? I think I blacked out. I wasnt thinking. Well, they dont look that

bad.

So much depends

Upon

a hot chicken wing

Englazed with oilbeside the bleu cheese.

Tis will never end. So many ries beore I sleep. And so many ries beore

I sleep. I eel like the Hemingway o saturated ats. I havent even opened

the ranch. I CAN open the ranch. Someone wants to help me. I must go

alone. I need to go.

Requiem or a Meal: A PalermosBinge

I hate myself.Hugo Alvarez

Katja GroberNoah Detal

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....and thats why strippers are smart ladies.

-Female student

I dont want your dick on my table!

-Male student

...and thats why men rape women.

-Female student

Hashtag.

-Prospective student to host

I got a swab in my peehole and a shot in my butt!

-Male student

I would go to war or Skrillex.-Male student

Overheard at Beloit

Untitled Dena Winter

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