The Drink Tank 359

SO, yesterday was my birfday. I’m as cintegerly close to forty as you can get without being forty! It was a good day, though I really did nothing special. Except ask a bunch of silly questions. You see, I took the opertunity to ask questions on Facebook and Twitter of folks, and now, I am zining them! The questions weren’t seriou, not at all, almost all of them were silly, and now here, in this imperfect world, I present them, gently edited. It’s not every answer, or even every question, but it’s a lot! Also, Thursday, I leave for London. Linda NEEDED to see the Cheapside Horde exhibit at the Museum of the City of London. That exhibt wasn’t open as early as Eastercon, nor will it be open as long as WorldCon next year, so we chose to go this year, and tie it in with World Fantasy in Brighton. Also, we’re staying at one of the Loncon hotels in ExCel! We’re very excited, and it only gets better. The weekend we’re in London, we’ve got the Loncon staff meeting, and though neither Linda nor I are on staff, we’re gonna get to see a lot of folks we like to hang out with! There’s also the London Film & Comic Expo at ExCel that weekend. And, the night we get in, there’s an Elizabethan Costuming event at the National Portrait Gallery that’s free and Linda is very excited, and there’s nothing i love more than getting to be with Linda when she’s all happy and smiley and cotume-y! So, here it is, the issue that comes out of Facebook like an evil wind!

Elizabeth McCartyI’m a domestic robot for cleaning and laundry. My defensive capabilities include a bleach ray, a slimy detergent spray and retractable hedge clippers in my chest. My main weapon is nagging with guilt as a secondary backup.

Earl Cooley III Designed to play tournament chess with an Elo rating of 3372; fighting abilities: strategic use of trillions of

remote control nanoscale minionsLisa Deutsch Harrigan I can cook all the Goodies. Making you too fat and happy to fight.

Ed Dravecky I’m a complicated robot and no one understands me but my woman. My combat skills include wit, agility, and

GAM-87 Skybolt air-launched ballistic missiles.

Christina M. O’Halloran I am theater costuming robot. I can costume multiple shows while meeting all the other obligations in my life. My fighting abilities include the ability to kick the butts of actors who whine about their costume and directors who change their mind about a costume at the last minute.

Jason C Brand I transform into a laptop.

Karen Tully I’m a farming robot--I can wield a hayfork and a scraper at the same time, while kicking pissed off geese at my attackers.

Stellan Lagerström Maintenance robot, repairing and modifying anything, occasionally that which was not broken (yet). Attackers

would have to face duct tape bolas, hot glue guns and pools of flaming WD-40

Kory Doyle Sex machine, I’m a lover not a fighter.

Heather Urbanski Essay grading machine. Oh wait...

Maurine Starkey Life. Don’t talk to me about life.

Glenn Glazer Like Astro Boy, I was born of love. Unlike Astro Boy, I have no fighting powers.

Ryvenna Lewis Philoso-Bot. Quite useless, both in function and fighting ability.

Leane Verhulst I am a robot designed to take care of pets. I can sic a doberman on you or cause a clowder of cats to attack!

You are a Robot. What were you designed to do? Also, what are your fighting abilities?

Jason Wiener I sort tiny screws, and for some reason have a full arsenal of nuclear weapons.

Robert Whitaker Sirignano A can opener.

Howard Stateman Foodiebot. I can fight through as many courses Chef Chu can throw at me, survive all Thai curries and Szechuan peppers, but most importantly, the darkest chocolates.

Carlos Moreno These days I’m a community activist robot. Input statistics about local lower-income families and run-down neighborhoods and get letter-writing campaigns to the mayor’s office and angry speeches delivered at city

council meetings. Fighting abilities include empassioned demonstrations of survey data / land use policy, and powerfully rhetroical powerpoint slides.

Jc Arkham Vallacqua I was built as a pleasure bot. Fighting? No. I’d just lazer their butts. I’m a lover, not a fighter.

Ric Bretschneider Designed to calculate the minimum effort necessary to complete any task. I kill by allowing you to die of old

age.

Bob Hole Not suitable for Facebook. Not suitable for Facebook.

Chuck Serface One word: Skynet. Okay, technically not a robot, but still, one word: Skynet. Run, but you cannot hide.

Charlie Cockey I am a mirror robot. I am designed to reflect upon myself and try to figure out what I am all about, and barring that, just what in the hell is going on, generally. I do not make proclamations. I do not say “Aum”. I do not have a belly-button, omphalos, or other “center”. Apparently the obverse faces of my self-reflecting mirrors are not perfect, for people who come close to me make strange noises and flee with great haste and great noise. There is a wind blowing, but it does not show on my mirror, so I’m not sure if it affects me. Lately, it has been getting darker, and harder to see myself, but I think I’ve figured out enough that I don’t nee..................

Sandy Cannady I am a knitting robot. Stockinette stitch? Okay. Cables? How many do you want? Double-knitting? Sure. En-trelac? You got it. Intarsia? Oh, boy! Socks? Sweater? Death Star cozy? How soon do you need it and what

colors would you like?Bill Howard Change light bulbs for short humans.

Kristen Toole I am a french fry robot. {best steal from a pigeon book ever.}

Steven Cat I am AwesomeBot1 , I am designed to wow.

Diane Osborne Zen-bot. I bring order and peace of mind to chaotic environments, chaos to the stuck-in-a-rutnicks. Able to

untie knots in muscles, ease stress and pain. Prone to inciting gigglies, wigglies, wobbly wibblies. All that and a bag of chips.

Steve Mix This robot is only designed for one function... it’s love.

Liz Zitzow I am TaxBot. I compute your net income and take from you any additonal taxes owed. My special power is

seizing your assets if you manage to evade me. Oh, wait. I already exist. I’m the IRS (HMRC for the Brits!) e-file programme

.George Van Wagner

I was designed to make music. My fighting abilities consist of causing compulsive outbreaks of dancing.

James Langdell Designed to rescue rabbits caught in trees. I have a lot of time on my hands to work on wrist wrestling.

Leon Tucker III Doughnut Making/Doughnut eating. Sprays hot doughnut grease and carmalized sugar at intruders.

Craig Dickson I am designed to prevent other robots from becoming too unfeeling. My only fighting ability is a Dr. Phil like

ability to nag other robots into submission

Kevin Roche Robert Whitaker Sirignano beat me to it. A Can Opener. Named Joe.

Jordan Dobbs Rosa I am designed to fire my rocket fists. My fighting abilities are mostly rocket fist-based attacks. Also welding.

Ed Beecher I am your ROBOT OVERLORD/Gigolo Joe. Fighting?? That is what the Minions are for... silly human, your at-tempts at fighting have amused me... your death will be swift

Pitch Me Your Best Movie Idea.DO IT NOW!

Arthur Chenin He’s a French emperor trapped in the future. She’s a robot prostitute. Together they fight crime!

Matthew Kagle Nudes.

Ric Bretschneider@johnnyeponymous #2 Birdemic, but with sharks.

Karen Tully It’s an End of the World Epic! Susan Lucci wins an Emmy. Red Sox win the Series. Funny man in a Flintstones

shirt wins a Hugo. And NO ONE recognizes the signs!

Kory Doyle Elric!

Jason Wiener Uwe Boll’s shot-for-shot remake of METROPOLIS.

Jc Arkham Vallacqua The Most Interesting Man in the World VS Chuck Norris.

Leane Verhulst It’s a documentary about a bearded crazy man who goes

around hugging everyone and writing articles about platypi.

Howard Stateman Thai ladyboy ice hockey team, against overwhelming odds, wins at Wimbledon.

Carlos Moreno ustainable Form-Based Zoning Codes: the musical.

Robert Whitaker Sirignano THE PROUD ROBOT.

Cynthia Geno JiroDreamsofSushiBot. Occasionally I do makeovers and fix

the love lives of organic Beings.

Charlie Cockey Twenty five 35mm films of varied provenance are up as streamers in the lobby of the theatre. The audience enters, cuts sections from the film, and places them in various bar-rels positioned around the lobby. When everyone is inside,

a program of shorts, cartoons, serials, and ancient newsreels begins, along perhaps with a “spin-a-whirl” or similar contest, though with no prizes, just a lot of noise. While this is happening, the various pieces of cut film are being reassembled, spliced together, and thrown up onto reels. Then this brand new film is shown to the audience that made it. Later screenings take the same newly cut film, and the same procedure is followed, thus creating an even NEWER version of the film. Only now, one white frame is inserted at each splice. All subse-quent screenings are done identically, thus with each new version there are more white frames. Eventually, with enough screenings (and cuts), the film will be mostly white, and just an occasional single frame flashing semi-subliminally. The film has no title, and since chance and the audiences themselves have created the film, no criti-cism will be brooked, no reviews allowed, and no spoilers will be possible. It never says “THE END”. (Happy Birthday, madman)

Bob Hole It’s like Gay Romeo & Juliet. In space. And Juliet is an alien.

Chuck Serface Anything starring me and Scarlett Johansson that has at least one love scene featuring me and Scarlett Johan-son. Otherwise, as you were.

Mortefina Celeste Dammit Chuck you stole my idea!

Chuck Serface Welcome to Hollywood, Mortefina Celeste. Welcome to Hollywood.

Mortefina Celeste Bitches.

Chuck Serface Bam! [Lights cigar then checks the mail for restraining orders from Scarlett Johansson and Sarah Silverman. Sees none yet and wipes his brow in relief.]

Mark Anderson Gandi, but with Ewoks,. meets Moulin Rouge.

Bill Howard Luchadors in space!

Mortefina Celeste A 70s style musical shot in 75mm, set in another dimension featuring talking dinosaurs, persecuted aliens and a

snazzy dance contest between an animatronic Abe Lincoln and holographic John Wilkes Booth

Steve Mix Fade in. Ironman and green lantern are discussing the x-avengersmen projects WHEN SUDDENLY space nazis arrive.

Liz Zitzow A rock opera version of Grass by Sherri S. Tepper, called Grass! Grass! will have the aliens voices played by

various instruments (electric guitars for the vicious ones, synths for the quiet ones, etc.) and themes that segue in and out with lots and lots of overlapping of the themes when different characters are on screen at the same time. In scenes where the aliens are there, the underlying music is the aliens voices over which the singers sing.

Like in the book, it is only about halfway through that you realize this one and that one are aliens and then you have to see the movie again to hear the sounds of them from the beginning and see where they are coming in unbeknownst to

the main characters.

Peter Sullivan A “making of a musical” musical (think Kiss Me Kate) of an obscure Philip K. Dick short story.

James Langdell Have Meryl Streep and Stanley Tucci repeat their portrayals of Julia and Paul Child, but this time in a 1960’s Casino Royale

secret agent romp

Sandra Johnson my wrestling career...

Leon Tucker III 3 Elements: Pirates, A Doughnut Robot (see question 1) and the Reunited Kid N Play. Practically writes itself.

James Peart A homicidal maniac decides all nerds must die. He disguises himself by growing his hair, putting on a few lbs, working in a museum and writing blogs. He goes to cons where he relentlessly kills nerds, gets a Hugo and...Dexter sequel take 1!

David Weingart GIANT ROBOTS fighting MOAR GIANT ROBOTS. Plus, a GIANT FREAKING ROBOT THAT BEATS UP ON ALL THE

OTHER GIANT ROBOTS.Admit it. It would be awesome.

George Wells Chris Garcia gets elected president on the Republican ticket with Ann Coulter as V P.

Art by M

ichele Wilson

What Is Your Personal Theory For What Killed The Dinosaurs?

Guy Lillian Hard living.

Pergamond@johnnyeponymous In FANTASIA the hot sun dries up their water into mud holes so they die of thirst,

Karen Tully They ran out of corndogs and starved to death.

Arthur Chenin Bad acid, man. Bad acid.

Christopher J Garcia MY personal theory is they crossed the wrong early mammal...

Jason Wiener You did it.

Leane Verhulst Alien’s found them delicious.

Laurie Mann A really big eraser.

Jc Arkham Vallacqua The BART strike left them stranded in the Jurassic period and they ran out of Capt Crunch.

Mike Miyake Food allergies.

Miko Simons I eated them.

Ric Bretschneider Obamacare (makes as much sense as anything else it’s being blamed for.)

Grub Ubbadub Someone farted and lit a match.

Juan Sanmiguel Not having a space program to stop the asteriod.

Cynthia Geno Failure to communicate.

Bob Hole They didn’t.

Derek McCaw LOLcatz

Chuck Serface I don’t believe they’re extinct. Here’s proof that they were living at least 2,000 years ago. Now they’re more

choosy with public appearances. But they’re waiting, bitches. They. Are. Waiting. http://www.flickr.com/pho-tos/58362611@N00/431306643/

Robert Whitaker Sirignano Dinosaur VD.

Bill Howard Christopher Garcia traveled back in time but stepped on a butterfly!

Lloyd Penney Lack of sunscreen.

Ed Dravecky Extinct? The smart ones got away leaving only the dumb ones behind.

Steve Mix bacon... clogged arteries... not enough cardio

Bradley Cozzens They didn’t they are the grey’s that people claim abducted them

James Langdell The dinosaurs got into replacing body parts with plastic prosthetics, until they consisted entirely of colorful plastic and could no longer function.

Melissa Takahashi Alien virus

Leon Tucker III Not enough preservatives in their diets.

Jordan Dobbs Rosa Clone wars.

George Wells Tobacco chewing.

Michele Wilson A very bad batch of moonshine.

Lisa Deutsch Harrigan Oh Look a Birdie! They are still here.

Nalini Haynes Because the Cyberman blew up the console...

Lisa Joseph They took ship for Valinor.

Lynne Hackert What THEY said. (Damn, this post made my night. Wow, that was easy.)

Randy Smith They were blown up by a bomb being ridden toward earth by a young boy from e-space who had gotten there on the TARDIS.

Adam Beaton Isn’t that the only time in Doctor Who when they didn’t play the ending theme? When Adric died?

Justin Calkins “I KILLED THE DINOSAURS!!!...I...I RAN EM OVER WITH MY TRUCK!”

What Is The Name of Your Mexian Folded Sandwich Shop and What is Your Signature Taco?

Juan Sanmiguel vegetarian taco. With tofu and whatever the customer wants on it. (Full disclosure, I am part time vegetarian

who likes to eat vegetarian hot dogs).

Jared Mitchell Dashoff Tac-o-ragami! Fish tacos, of course. A little salsa verde with fresh shallots and avocado.

Jason Wiener I sell them out of the back of my pickup truck, the Toyota Taco-Ma. They’re poisonous. I’m treated as a hero for

giving people who get food from the back of a truck exactly what they deserve.

Mike Miyake BLT taco, double bacon and hold the lettuce. And tomato.

Cynthia Geno Taco Free or Die. The Tactical Taco.

Bob Hole Topo Taco.Ground....

Derek McCaw Gruffarito’s. signature goat meat taco “under the bridge of deliciousness.” I just have to sell to YOU.

Chuck Serface El Dos-Dólares Carlos Taqueria, of course! My signature taco is the Doble de Dólares Garantizados. We offer a two-for-one sale for birthday boys and girls! Double-dollar guaranteed right out the door!

Christopher J Garcia SO, I’d call my place El Nicene del Norte and the signature taco would be The Intellectual - A Folded Quesadilla

enrapping simmered Goat meat topped with Hashbrows, bechamel, and chopped white onions.

Peter Sullivan Taco Chance On Me - an ABBA-themed taco shop.

Melissa Takahashi Lady Taco, my signature taco would be a burrito

James Langdell Socat Tacos would serve a California Taco with avocado and salmon on the inside and sticky rice pressed onto the outside of the tortilla.

Leon Tucker III Taquaria Cha Cha Cha; Featuring the Japanese fusion delight, the “Taco Mishinoku”

Jordan Dobbs Rosa Taco Cat, featuring the Palindrome Taco. That’s a tortilla, then meat, then onions, then cheese, then onions then meat and then another tortilla.

George Wells Ben Folds Five, contains music.

Michele Wilson Krispy Tacodonut and I think it would have to be filled with chocolate and raspberry jelly.

Christopher Carson TAKO!, grilled octopus.

Carole Parker Rosa Gringa - depending on season, fresh crab in season, crab salad out of season.

Kory Doyle Casa De Alegria, curried lamb tacos with creame of cilantro sauce.

Howard Stateman If my Mexican sandwich shop folded, it’s a wrap.

What Non-Extant Tumblr Do You WIsh Existed?

Jason Wiener Illustrations inspired by hilarious answers to Christopher J Garcia’s #BirfdayQuestions. (I don’t go on Tumblr, so I don’t know if that already exists.)

Christopher J Garcia Mine would be PeopleChrisGarciaWouldNotHug.tumblr.com

Melissa Takahashi Foundstaples. Mostly images of staples found in the office short-pile carpet or the occasional tale of getting one lodged in the foot or finger, all rare occurrences in this age. I too don’t Tumble so don’t know if this exists already nor do I know if “tumble” is the right word to describe someone who participates in Tumblr

Ric Bretschneider How not to sharpen your pencil.

Mike Miyake Images of shoelaces.

Leon Tucker III Tumblr? What’s that? Some kinda inner ear/equilibrium thang?

Jordan Dobbs Rosa Famous crime scene photos recreated with cats.

Juan Sanmiguel Odd places with wi-fi hotspots.

What Artist Should Be the One to Immortalize the #GarciaAdministration in the National Portrait Gallery

Jude-Marie Green - Picasso

Cynthia CorralEdward Gorey

Karen Tully Banksy

Karen Tully Or Gainsborough. With you in a big

hat

Chuck Serface Dan Attoe from Washington. Sometimes he

works in neon, the only medium that can cap-ture your brilliance. Something like this symbol-izes the spirit of your administration, I think.

Janice GelbDavid Hockney

Jason WienerPaya the Elephant

Jason Wieneror Billy Pappas

Leon Tucker IIIBosch; Warts & All

Leon Tucker IIIOr maybe JJ Evans

Carlos MorenoBasquiat

HoweirdMO

Kory DoyleEl Greco

Earl Cooley IIIVaughn Bode

Eric ZuckermanThag (From Lasceaux)

James LangdellJames Gillray

Derek McCawOnly One Could Cap-

ture the Grandeur - Leroy Nieman

Jordan Dobbs RosaDrunk-ass Thomas Kinkade

Matthew KagelKeane

Tom GallowayJackson Pollock

Bob Hole Carrivagio

RJ JohnsonDon Martin

Chris BarkleyRichard Powers

Tell Me A Story Where the Bad Guy Wins

Jason Wiener Once upon a time there was a guy who forced everybody to entertain him on Facebook for his Birthday. And they did. The end.

James Langdell Just watch or listen to Monteverdi’s Poppea opera.

Miko Simons You mean my life?!

Juan Sanmiguel Well technically that would Wreck It Ralph because he is a bad guy but not a BAD GUY.

Dennis Harvey see...Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back

Jason Wiener Also, the Bible.

Steve Mix “There is a bomb in the parade float, I’ve tried everything! The bomb is going to detonate and there’s nothing we can do.” “ Frank Saucer of the metro city bomb squad finished screaming into the receiver and slammed down the phone. Then smiled.

Jordan Dobbs Rosa The 2013 World Series.

Craig Dickson Jordan Dobbs Rosa you were probably not watching because it was so gross, but the bad guys were vanquished

over the weekend.

Jordan Dobbs Rosa I see a St Louis/Boston showdown akin to an Alien Vs. Predator situation. No matter who wins. . . I guess the

bright side is one of the cities might burn down in the aftermath though, so there is that.

Jordan Dobbs Rosa I believe that it is spelled, “Sawx.”

Michael Rabehl Canadian teenager makes terrible music. That same Canadian teenager pees in bucket, and his friends film it. That same Canadian teenager spits on picture of Bill Clinton, and his friends film that too. Teenager makes mil-lions of dollars, and claims the hearts of girls worldwide, before and after peeing in a bucket and spitting on a picture of Bill Clinton. #CanadianTeenager

Mary Calhoon OK this one time, at Congress Camp....

Kurt Kuenne “Chinatown”.

Sam Frazier Jr. Avatar. By the time it was over, I was so tired of the supposed good guys I was hoping against hope someone

would kill them.

Leon Tucker III 7even.

Craig Dickson Boston fans have a reputation of being insufferable, but I have no beef with the team. The St. Louis Cardinals,

however, employ a man who once punched Will Clark in the face. Go Sox.

Brad Watson Teacher gets cancer, cooks meth and kills everyone. Leaves a ton of cash for his family.

John Thiel The Stars My Destination.

Melissa Takahashi Fallen

Trinlay Khadro The one thing I’ve learned from years of watching Anime... is that who’s the “bad guy” is really all about the

POV that the story is told from. From the “bad guy’s POV” he’s the hero.

Adam Beaton The Usual Suspects. Keyser Soze pwns police and movie audience. ‘Nuff said.

Kevin Roche How to Steal a Million

David Weingart Bush v. Gore

Mike Miyake Dark Passage. Well, if you think he done it.

What Should The Motto Be For My New Dwarven Army?

Arthur Chenin It’s a good day for someone else to die!

Janice Gelb Fear the beard!

Juan Sanmiguel Have Axe will Travel

Heather Urbanski Heigh ho!

Steve Mix “We want shorter deployments.”

Bill Howard I spent all my pay on ale and whores!

Bob Hole Hi? Ho!

Lisa Joseph Life is short, have a beer.

Melissa Takahashi If we can’t go over, we’ll punch ‘em in the knees!

Carole Parker Easily breaking (road) blocks.

Kory Doyle Life is short, and so are we!

Michele Wilson Your kneecaps are in deadly peril.

Mike Miyake Hey, my eyes are down here.

Kevin Roche You Must Be This Tall to Ride This Attraction

Jason Wiener Your mom thought we were big enough.

Cynthia Geno “Nasty, Brutish, and Short.”“Yo MAMA”

Christian B. McGuire Halfway there!

What Mythical Creature Are You?

Bill Howard Yeti mummy!

Jc Arkham Vallacqua Medusa. Have you seen me?

James Langdell Carrying on my current rabbit theme, probably a Pooka.

Jason Wiener I’m the mythical Chris Garcia Twin.

Steven Cat Unicorn....

Glenn Glazer Huehuecoyotl.

Mike Miyake Malk.

Leon Tucker III I’m a flip flopped minotaur. My lower body is bovine.

Petréa Mitchell Thunderbird.

Janice Gelb Undine - I think being a mischievous water spirit would be fun

Juan Sanmiguel Angel, translate my last name into English and see why.

Glenn Glazer Or even into Hebrew.

Jordan Dobbs Rosa The Wendigo because of my icy heart and unquenchable hunger for human meat.

Craig Dickson Did some digging. The best I could find was Telchines. Skilled metal workers AND flipper hands. Couldn’t top it.

Chuck Serface I am a Likho, a Russian spirit who appears as an old woman with one eye or as a malevolent male Goblin in the

forest. My supernatural powers are many. Keep that in mind should you bring crappy tea tonight.

Tom Frankenberger Liger.

Arthur Chenin I am the mythical nice guy that gets the girl.

Cynthia Geno The WindWocktopots.

Ann Totusek A virgin...

Mortefina Celeste A rational human being

Melissa Takahashi Unicorn pegasus, i fart rainbows. But what people don’t know is I love hamburgers and my toots deplete the ozone.

Art by Selina Phanara

What Historical Figure Would You Dress Me Up As?Note: Batman is NOT a Historical Figure

Robert TolandWalt Whitman

Three Selections from The Duchess of Drink Tank - Sarah GoodmanDerich Berck, Petrus Gonsalves, Bob Ross

Michele WilsonWill Rogers

Jordan Dobbs RosaEmperor Norton

Jennifer Wiley - I would dress you up as Captain Aubrey from the Master & Commander series

(for a fictional series). Non-fiction? Wyatt Earp.

Jason WienerKasper Hauser

Aurora CelesteZummi Gummi

Aurora Celeste Easy would be a Medici or some Italian renaissance where you could rock that hair. Funner (imo) would be this one, from the depths of my

costume files:

Janice Gelb Charles Darwin

Michele Wilson Harlan Sanders

Ric Bretschneider Karl, the 8th Marx Brother

Cynthia Corral Yukon Cornelius! “Oh, well, now I’m off to get my life-sustaining supplies: cornmeal and gun powder

and hamhocks and guitar strings.”

RJ JohnsonRobert Reed

Deb BretschneiderAl Capone

Diane OsborneJerry Garcia

Kevin RocheBhagwan Rajneesh

Peter Sullivan Ben Franklin. Which, given that he is my favourite historical

figure, is quite a compliment.

James Bacon - Fortycoats