2012

The End of Flash Fiction An Ode to English

By: Jack Remmert

Table of Contents

The Best Way to Quit Page 3

The Alphabet, a New Look at It Page 5

Long Island City Page 6

A Multitude of Stories Page 7

The Storm

Field Trip

The Real Breakfast Club

Smack!!! Page 8

Diamonds Forever

Lovers At Last

Eek!! My Hair! Page 9

The Ultimatum

How Freedom Was Really Decided Upon: Page11

A History Lesson

The Surprising Answer To Everything

The Accident Page 12

Them and They Page 13

A Bridge and Boy Page 15

A Grotesque Love Story Page 16

After Sherwood Anderson’s:

Winesburg, Ohio

The Best Way to Quit

“How come I never succeed? It is always Rachael! She doesn’t do

anything! Ever! I come into work early, do everything I’m supposed to, and

go home late! Why can’t I get the promotion?” I scream. “Is it because I am

the only guy in this office? Ever since the Filmore job that we got together,

you have always treated her better than me. She didn’t even do anything.

She sat around in skimpy outfits until we were handed the money.”

“Well, we got the money. That’s all that I care about, plus you are

getting Rachael’s job. And I did not promote her because she was a woman, I

promoted her because she gets the job done,” responded the Boss.

I took a deep breath in and looked at my boss. That bitch doesn’t even

know what it is like to try to fight for something; everything is given to her in this

world. Her clock on her glass desk, gift from the President. Her little diamond

necklace given by Mr. Diamond himself. Her everything is all gifts. It is time to

finish this, I think to myself. I clear my throat and let the end of my job begin.

“That’s because she has two weapons that every single other corporate firm

doesn’t have on their board.”

“Now you’re being sexist, rude, and vulgar,” she said, “Just take

Rachel’s job and move on.”

“Her job is not the point!” I exclaim. “I do not want Rachael’s job. I

hate her. She is manipulative, psycho, and hot. We can’t have that in the work

place.

“Frankly, this is my workplace with a bunch of other women that are

straight. So, yes we can have a hot woman in here working,” she said.

I take one final look at the bitchest boss in the world. She wears a dress

with a push-up bra and 4-inch heels. Real subtle. Every single guy she passes

on the way to work just gazes at her. “Why did you hire me then if all woman

work here?” I asked inquired.

I could tell that put her off balance. She had been cracked. Her eyes

looked down. Perfect for someone who is about to lie. “I hired you because

you where the one male that did not look at my breasts the first time you

walked in here. You are good at your job. Plus you are kinda cute.” she said.

All of those words pouring out of her, I believed. Her eyes bore through

my soul. She did not look down because she was going to lie. She looked down

because I was about ready to hear the best information ever. I’m cute. What

now, should I do what they do in those movies? No, you came here to quit and

after I quit, I can do this one last thing with her and find another job. Yea, that’s

what I am going to do.

“You know, I quit, however, I am willing to do one last thing for you.” I

stated strongly.

“Really, like what?” she said.

The Alphabet, a New Look at It

Ate. Bought. Cold. Dodged. Exempt. Fleeced. Got. Haggled.

Increased. Joy. Kainotophobia. Loved. Math. Nuthin’. Overlooked.

Puzzled. Quiet. Regret. Stuffed. Tired. Understandable. Vacum. Worked.

X-Rayed. Yellowed. ZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzed.

Long Island City

When you take your first steps off the number 7 train, you see the

Public Workers trying to polish its exterior. However, sit a little longer, walk

a little further and you will see the city for what it is, a ghost town during the

day, but alive at night. Its people know the meaning of work hard, party hard.

It is Manhattan’s working kitchen.

A Multitude of Stories

The Storm

There’s a huge blizzard outside, so you’re trapped in your house. You’re very

bored and can’t figure out what to do. You decide that baking is always fun and

entertaining on snowy days. You look through the cabinet and find brownie mix,

cake mix, cookie mix, and muffin mix, but there’s one problem. They all require

eggs, but you have no eggs. You choose to venture out in the blizzard to go to

the store because you are so bored.

As soon as you walk out the door a massive tree falls down in front of you and

scares the living beejezzees out of you. You might as well have pooped your

pants because you decide to go back inside and wait for the storm to pass.

Field Trip

You decide to go to the natural history museum on a boring Friday. As you walk

in, you notice there is a new exhibit, "Early Settlers of North America." As you

walk through, you notice something odd. In one village recreation scene, one

particular skeleton seems to have four arms.

You ask the guide what it is and she claims that it is a reference to Plato and

how Zeus created humans.

“Wait, I thought this was North America?” You reply inquisitively.

“It is. This human was the first human made by Zeus for the Native

Americans.” She tells you in a condescending tone.

You look at her and respond, “What?”

“Come on class time to go!” Yells the teacher.

The Real Breakfast Club

You wake up in the morning, and realize your world is different. Lying on your

kitchen table, you look up to see the fan swiveling much farther above your head

than you remember it. The proportions of the world you once knew are much

larger than yesterday. Looking around, you realize the salt and peppershakers

are as tall as you are. Then you look down… crap. You’re a pancake.

You then see a very large person pour syrup on you and plop down some

butter, right where nose is. You see that the person is picking up a knife and a

fork and starts cutting you up. As you see your right arm leave the plate, you

think, “Well at least I didn’t wake up and suddenly have boobs.”

Smack!!!

You are having a very bad day after getting a D for a science assignment. You

feel like you cannot go to a college since you just f***** up your grade. As you

walk down the hallway, someone suddenly slaps you with their palms as hard as

he can on the back of your head.

You turn around and see that it is that one guy that you made that bet with. 5

slaps at any point in time. You can not fight back, it is against the rules. You

tell him, “Boyi, Boyi, not the time.” And walk away.

Diamonds Forever

Oksona Alyona Karamazova knows that the diamonds have been hidden in the

disco ball. The foolish American bouncers are easily tricked by a false

identification card. As soon as she is inside the disco-tech men swarm her, but

she did not travel back to the year 1971 to be wooed by foolish American males.

She came to steal diamonds.

She dropkicks the first disco-tech guy and juto chops the next. Roundhouse

kicks the third and the fourth just rolls over and plays dead in fear of her.

Oksona runs over to the disco ball and smashes it open. Grabs the diamonds

and goes back to the Delorean and revs the engine up to 88.

Lovers At Last

Jane’s friend’s always said she never got out that much ever since Greg left her.

One Saturday she decided to take a chance and party with her friends. As she

was getting ready she got a phone call from Greg. He begged and pleated for

her to take him back. After the conversation she put the phone down and

walked out of her apartment.

She called for a cab and took it to Greg’s place. On the way there she gets a

call from Greg and picks up. She hears moaning and groaning on the other

end. She instantly bursts into tears and yells at the cab driver to take her

home.

Eek!! My Hair!

A woman in her mid twenties is sleeping in her small bed on an autumn night.

She is recently out of college and lives in a small apartment by herself. When she

wakes up, she looks in the mirror and screams. Her long blonde hair has been

shaved off. All the windows and doors are locked closed, and there are no signs

that anyone was in the apartment.

She decides to set up a video camera to figure out what will happen to her hair

the next night. She falls asleep that night and wakes up the next morning with

her hair glued back onto her. She goes back through the video and sees a

Sour Patch Kid re-gluing her hair back. She thinks, “I guess the commercials

are true.”

The Ultimatum

You get home and flip open your laptop to get started on your homework, you

turn away to get out your books and when you look back at the screen, you don’t

see the English assignment there before. Instead, your computer screen is red,

with a flashing nuclear symbol in the top right and a rapidly changing body of

numbers. Above it is written, DELTA-FOXTROT-VICTOR-HOTEL-ZULU-ALPHA in

all caps. All of a sudden your screen is replaced with a map of the world, with

red circles on many cities, mainly in Russia, North Korea, Cuba, and China, but

many on the east and west coast cities of the United States! I timer underneath

reads 3:10:56, 3:10:55, 3:10:54…

“OMG” you think to yourself just like in that movie Wargames with Feris

Bueller. Then the FBI, CIA, and other unmentionable Government agencies

show up to your house and arrest you for terrorism.

How Freedom Was Really Decided Upon:

A History Lesson

As Ben Franklin, Thomas Jefferson and the rest of the Patriots were

discussing the Declaration of Independence, Ben asked, “What is Freedom”.

Suddenly a loud noise came from outside and they feared it was the British.

However, they saw a Buddha on a Motorcycle. Tom turned to him and said,

“Good answer.”

The Surprising Answer to Everything

As Adam was walking around in Eden’s Garden, he saw a young child

die suddenly. He walked over to the beaver and started to pray. Then God

appeared.

Adam asked, “Why are we mortal, God?”

“Because tree’s can’t walk,” said God. “You folk eat their roots, or least

this fellow did.”

“Eh, good enough for me,” said Adam.

The Accident

Down the drain red stuff goes.

Them and They

Once upon a time there was a man, an Earthman to be more precise.

His parents were from Eastern Russia. His name was Igor Covosly. However

the kids in the town called him the Scalper. Ever since that little girl saw the

head of a buck bloodied and severed from its body on the side of a curb, no

one was able to make heads or tails of anything and no one knew what else to

call him. None of the children in the town would ever venture past the

Scalper’s house. Except for them.

Early in the school year, Them had moved to town. Them heard the

rumors from their neighbors, but Them believed the rumors to be false. That

Halloween they decided to Trick and Treat Igor Covosly.

Them went up to the house.

Them found the door open.

Next to it was a sign.

On the sign it read, “Please do come in for the candy.”

Them walked in and found the floor covered in a bright red blood.

Them started to run away, but Them heard a voice.

“Before you leave, would you like to hear a story?”

Them answered with a shaky, “What would be the reward?”

“Candy of course. Just come into the living room.”

Them walked into the living room and say the voice, which happened

to be a man’s voice.

“I am Igor Covosly, you have come into my house and now here is my

story.” Igor sat down in a chair and started speaking. At first it was tough to

hear what he was saying, but eventually Them was able to make a couple of

sentences. “I used to be a man, but ever since my parents died and stole my

vessel, I have been looking for another replacement. Animals won’t do. It

must be you.”

All the lights in the street went out and the night was black. There was

a dead silence, except for the wind whistling around the bodies of Igor

Covosly’s floor.

Them went out of the house and never returned to it again. Igor was

never seen; he was merely an old ghost story. Some say Them became very

much like Igor since that night. Them and Igor were never spoke of until They

started asking questions. It was almost coincidence that They showed up just

as Them started to get old.

I was never around for what happened with They. However, after

meeting They, They were very similar to Them.

A Bridge and A Boy

“How come I am such a failure,” Mark said. He had tried all of his life to go to

the Golden Gate Bridge and now his dreams were crushed. He tried to

explain to his mother that it is, “Only a four hour flight and it would only cost

1,000 dollars.” But his mother never seemed to understand him.

She claims that Mark is just a child and the Golden Gate Bridge is not

going anywhere. But Mark is not good with the comprehension of bridges

staying in one place. Mark hears odd rumors about bridge falling down.

Mark’s mother always says, “Those stupid stories about things falling down.”

One day Mark will be old enough to go to the Golden Gate Bridge. It

will hopefully still only be 1,000 dollars, because that is how much Mark will

plan on making. He will make 1,000 dollars and then he will go to the Golden

Gate Bridge.

. . .

Mark is here at the Golden Gate Bridge. Mark drives onto the bridge

and pulls over to the side and pops his tire on purpose to make sure he has a

purpose to stay there. He leans up on the Bridge and takes in a breath of fresh

air and exhales. He stands there and looks at the river: How serene, he thinks

to himself. Eventually, the tow-truck comes by and hails Mark’s car off with

Mark in it. Mark takes that trip daily and leans on that same guardrail every

day, until someone comes by and fixes up his car.

A Grotesque Love Story After Sherwood Anderson’s Winesburg, Ohio

A man woke up one morning and did the same routine he always did.

Eat breakfast. Go to Work. Come home from Work. Eat dinner. And finally

go to bed. He worked at an Architecture firm that was not very prestigious,

nor very small. He was not the boss or an intern, but was average. His whole

life for the most part was average. He lived his childhood in a middle-class

community and when he was 18; he went off to University like all the other

kids at the time. He left University because of personal reasons, and never

spoke much about his past. He never got an actual degree, but was able to

take an Internet course and finish his degree. He studied to become an

Architect and afterwards, he found an apartment and a job. After his fifth year

of working; things went from average to good and finally to total shit-storm.

It all started on the day he meet Jane. She was pretty and very smart.

She too had a job, but the details of her life are unnecessary. This story is

about a man. The man bumped into Jane in the street and decided to spend

the day with her because he decided to break free from his routine. They

each went to go get coffee and lunch from the Street Corner around the block.

The man was awkward at first, but eventually had a rhythm. Every once in a

while the man would make the women laugh and every so often there hands

would entangle themselves.

That night when the man got home he felt like he forgot something, but

he felt good about the day. He woke up the next morning and repeated his

same routine. He arrived at work early no one noticed, but the boss. He

didn’t get reprimanded, but he was just told that if he was going to leave work

for a day to tell someone instead of not coming in.

When weekend came about he made a date with Jane and they went out

to dinner at a fancy place where they had a great time. They talked about life,

future plans, etc. They seemed never to miss a topic, except for Politics. I

mean no one really likes to talk about Politics, except for Politicians. After

dinner Jane wanted to see where the man worked. So he took her to his place

of work. When they arrived Jane had a peculiar look on her face. The man

asked her if she had been here before and Jane claimed that she thought she

had but never remembered. As they discussed other topics they kissed.

Which led to more kissing and eventually they ended up on top of each other

at the man’s place of work. When they woke up they realized that they were

still at the man’s place of work and it was close to being opened.

They tried to rush out of the firm, but the boss interrupted them. He

recognized Jane as his 17-year old cousin who had just graduated High School

and working at a research lab in the city. The man had no knowledge of her

age because it never came up. The boss saw what the two had done and

ended up firing the man and called the police. Unbeknownst to everyone the

man had a record of being a sexual predator to young women, especially 16

year-olds. He went to counseling and thought he was back on track, but he

messed up with Jane.

As he was running away he shouted, “I love you Jane!”

Jane shouted back, “I love you too.” As far as I know the police never

caught him. As of now he could be anywhere.

The End of The End