The Green Room Exchange

By Keith WeissA clump of young students anxiously sit at the edge of their chairs in darkness as an audience does during a performance. Some are gawking at each other, a hipster with horn-rimmed glasses has fallen asleep. The lights are on their professor, Lou Brewer, as he lectures them:BREWERNow, artists, Im going to refresh you on the logistics of note-taking. You must always write small so that no one can see what you are writing. If I may, I will, I shall recommend a Calibri font of hand-writing SHY(Dogmatic) It 6:10.BREWER(Startled) I beg your pardon?SHYYo, class is over its.BREWER-- If the floor below us collapsed right now and we fell into the depths of the Earth, I would have you writing about as I speak these very words. You, sir, can leave my classroom.Brewer glares at Shy, standing.BREWEREveryone, applaud the Pretentious Asshole Formally Known asShy. (To Shy) Stay.SHYLook, man, I.BREWERI know, youre internal clock is bleeding. (A pause)Its 6:11. (Lights up) Were done.Shy walks toward Brewer. The entire class dashes past him to get one on one time with the professor. Brewer tries to ignore the growing clusterfuck of theater kids approaching.BREWER(Quiet; Mumbling) JesusFLETCHERProfessor?BREWERLoujust call me/LouFLETCHERCan I have a letter of recommendation? If you could write it tonight, Ill finally get my dream position at ManhattanBrewer slowly but unsurely turns around.BREWERPlease dont make me do more things. And dont ask me why.Fletchers confusion doesnt break that sterling ambition. He smiles off, hope for glory paving the road for his future, but thats about it.FLETCHERProfessorBREWERGood night.Fletcher exits. Taneisha taps Brewers shoulder.TANEISHAYo, we got a problem?BREWERNo, just stop inter/TANEISHAYoull never hear your students- (hopeless) if you dont hear them. (Walking away)BREWERWhy...Brewer walks across the room to get his Starbucks coffee cup. Anton, a Russian foreign exchange student, adds an excessive vivaciousness to the classroom. Anton speech is always loud, excessive, and timid. He is packing up his books in front of the cup. Brewer gazes at his java.BREWER(Mild) Anton, would you mindANTONLOU BREW! (Brewer clenches his fists) I tell you now about my favorite sitcom, Saturday Night Live. I like the Kenan ThompsonBREWERThats great.ANTONBut howDo you think If Iwould you say?BREWERIs/ there somethingANTON/I do audition for the Saturday Night Live?BREWERAnton, whatever you(A pause) What?ANTONYou put me in Saturday Night Live? You say you like writing of Tina Fey.BREWERMaybe ask her what she thinks.ANTONGood idea! I try to FaceTime. Okie dokie,Thanks Professor!BREWERReally, just LouJodi rushes to Brewer.JODIOh wow. Here you are. Im so glad I got to see you before you left. I didnt think I would get you in time, but I guess I did. Why are you still here? Golly gee, Im just joshin. Anyhow(fast litany) I gotta say how thankful I am for Junot Diazs Drown. I havent put it down in forever. It changed my life, my outlook, and formed my artistic integrity. Ill never be the same, but I guess its like Will Shakespeare said in Henry VI (recite from arm) Knowledge is the wing wherewith we fly to heaven (Nods. Haughty Smile.Giggle.Snort.Cackle.Phlegm.) Exits.BREWER(Sighs) God kill me.Brewer snags his coffee and makes a run for the door. He is stopped in his tracks.ALICIAProfesor!BREWERShitALICIAProfesor , trat de utilizar Powerpoint, pero slo tengo la versin de prueba .

BREWERMaria, no en mi class?

ALICIA(Begins to cry) Fall en mano en la tarea de hoy .(Hysterical) Jesucristo, toma mi alma a INFIERNO, porque soy un imbecile desgracidad!.Shes hysterical. She begins bawling, almost bellowing. Awkward Silence is painted over with the coat of Alicias tears. He touches her shoulder, she slaps him across the face. Brewer is puzzled.ALICIA!Consiga sus manos de encima cerdo hijo esnob y pattica de puta! Runs off.Brewer collapses to the floor, beyond baffled. He lays on his back, beginning to sniffle. The room is completely empty, full of silence.BREWERI dont know if I can do this anymore. Shy re-enters.He breaks the silenceSHYBrewer. (Nothing) Look, you wanna buy some green or what?BREWERUm, yeah.SHYYou ight bro?BREWERLou. Lou. Lou Lou Lou Lou. Lou LOU. LOU LOU LOU LOU LOU! LOU! Shy flinches, and retreats to the other side of them room for his backpack. Brewer pulls out a .32 Caliber. Points it in Shys direction, looking away.SHY(Then:) Lou. What do you think youre doing?LOUGive me your bag.SHYYou really dont want thisLOUGive..methe bag.SHYIma give you a chance to put that piece down. You have no idea what youre /doing.LOU/Slide that blue backpack over, or I will put a bullet through that motherfucking mouth of yours.SHYYou need to drop that fuckin gun before I give you shit!LOU Theres nothing left for me here. I walk in, wait for someone to see something, and then I walk out. I cantI(Turns his back from door; Dogmatic) I wont.Then: Alicia rushes in crying; searching for tissues. She glares at his gun, Her mouth gapes wide open. She is smart enough to let her tears scream the fear. She clutches her purse tightSHYYou kill meTheyll call it Shy Sorkin Memorial Humanities Building. You wont ever find a way to go back to the way things were. Youll be teaching the logistics of note- (Brewer turns off the safety; Shy shouts, Lou flinches, Alicia shouts toward Lou, attempting to tackle him.) Lady, stop!Gunshot.Blackout.