tidbits - denver metro area - issue #1096

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GET READY TO CRUISE ASTIDBITS® GETS MOVING

by Sarah Bates

It’s a bird, it’s a plane - nope! It’s Tidbits and this week we’re getting in gear as we pre-pare to talk about all those fascinating fac-ets of transportation!

TALKING TRAINSThe Orient Express began operation in •1883 but an initial test train left from Paris in October 1882 and travelled to Vienna. ThefirstofficialOrientExpressleftParisinJune. The original route ran from Paris to Romania with stops in Munich, Germany and Vienna, Austria. At its peak, the Orient Express h a d t h r e e m a i n services with des-tinations installed in Istan-bul and Athens. The Orient Express is the setting for Ag-atha Christie’s Murder on the Orient Ex-press.The world’s fastest train (on rails) is the •Train à Grande Vitesse in France. The name literally means high speed train. It achieved 356 mph (574.8 km/h) while in testing back in 2007.Maglev trains can go considerably faster •than traditional rail trains due to their use of magnetic levitation, which has the po-tential to exceed speeds of 4,000 mph (6437 km/h) if built inside an evacuated tunnel. This idea has been proposed in talks of a theoretical transatlantic tunnel. The tunnel would be over 200 times lon-ger than the world’s current longest tun-nel.The fastest speed by a maglev train was •achieved in 2003 by the Japan Railway Company. They clocked their maglev train at 361 mph (581 km/h) in tests they were conducting.

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Issue #1096July 20, 2009

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for passenger use were created in the 1700s, raising lanterns with hot air has been in use in China since 280 A.D.The Antonon An-225 is the largest airplane •ever built. Its first flight was on December21, 1988 and it can carry up to 550,000 lbs (250,000 kg) of cargo!

SAILING AWAYTheworld’slargestdocumentedwoodenship•wastheWyoming.Thissixmastedschoonermeasured450 ft (140m) long andweighedover 3,000 tons - 6,000 tons when fully load-ed! It launched in 1909, last sailed in 1924and sunk off the coast of Massachusetts.

LAST FACT:Didyouknowthatmostautomobileshonkin•the key of F?

TIDBITS GETS MOVING:(continued)

The world’s first steam powered public•rail system was the Stockton & Darlington Railway. It was opened in 1825 in North-east England and connected the towns of Darlington and Stockton-on-Tees.The earliest track type transportation •system (at least, the earliest recorded) is speculated to be the 4 mi (6 km) Diolkos Wagonway, which originated in the 6th century B.C. Grooves for wagons were specifically cut into stone and the ve-hicles running on it could not leave the track. The wagonway operated regularly for over 1,300 years.Railway tracks for hauling goods were •predominantly wooden before the mid-1700s. In the 1760s, the Coalbrookdale Companybeganfixingcastironplatestowooden rails for easier transportation.Thefirstworking steam locomotivewas•built in 1804 by English engineer Richard Trevithick. However, a working model of a steam locomotive was first designedand constructed by American John Fitch ten years earlier. What’s more, Scottish inventor and engineer James Watts put in a patent for a working steam locomotive even ten years before that!

CONVERSING CARSPaved roads have been around long before •theinventionoftheautomobile.Roadswerepaved us-ing tar as early as the 8th century in the Arab Empire.Karl Benz •was born in Karlsruhe,GermanyonNovember25,1844.Benzistheinventorofthemoderngasoline-poweredautomobile,whichwasthefirstau-tomobileeverofferedforsale.The first speeding ticket in the world was•giveninDayton,Ohioin1904.Theoffender,actor and director Harry Myers, was ticketed forgoing12mph(19km/h)onacitystreet.While we’re at it, what is the world record •for fastest speeding citation? A Swedish built Koenigsegg was purportedly ticketed for go-ing 272mph (437 km/h) in a 75mph (120km/h)zoneinTexasduringtheGumball3000rally from San Francisco toMiami back in2003.Currently, the most efficient vehicle is the•Toyota Prius, which, according to Toyota’s website, gets 51mpg (21 km/L) in the cityand48mpg(20km/L)onthehighway.

Thelongestcarintheworldisthe100ft(30.48•m) limousine theAmericanDream. It has ajacuzzi,akingsizedbed,asundeck,aswim-ming pool complete with diving board anda helipad. It can be adjusted to turn corners bybendingat themiddlesandhasadrivingcompartmentatthebacktohelpwithturningand reversing.The twenty-sixwheeled limowas built by Jay Ohrberg, who specializes inbuildingcardsforfilmandtelevision.Hebuilt several of the Batmobiles for BatmanReturns.Burbank,California isoneof thefirst cities•ontheAmericanWestCoasttousenewhy-drogen fuel cell powered buses. These zero emissionsbusesareabletogo250miles(402km)onasixminutecharge!

UP, UP AND AWAY!The Montgolfier brothers were the inven-•torsofthehotairballoon.OnSeptember19,1783, they launched a sheep, a duck and a roosterintotheair.Theflightwasasuccessand lasted eight minutes and covered twomiles,risingtoamaximumof1,500ft(460m). The Montgolfier brothers demonstratedtheirballoonbeforeKingLouisXVIandMa-rie Antoinette.ThefirsthumanintheMontgolfiers’balloon•wastwenty-sixyearoldphysicianPilâtredeRozier.Hefirstroseintheballooninateth-eredexperimentandmadethefirstfreeflightwith the Marquis d’Arlandes on the outskirts of Paris on October 15, 1783.Hydrogen balloons were being developed •about the same time as the hot air balloonand on August 27 1783, a hydrogen balloon waslaunchedforthefirsttimeinParis.ThefirstballoontocrosstheEnglishchannelwasa hydrogen balloon. The trip was made byJean-Pierre Blandraid and Dr. John Jeffries on January 7, 1785.Hot air balloons were used as tools of sur-•veying and communication in severalwars,including theAmericanCivilWar and bothWorld Wars.Although the first hot air balloons intended•

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On • July 26, 1775, the U.S. postal system is established by the Second Continental Congress, with Benjamin Franklin as its firstpostmaster general. Franklin put in place the foundation for many aspects of today’s mail system, including standardized delivery costs based on distance and weight.

On • July 24, 1901, author William Sydney Porter, otherwise known as O. Henry, is released from prison after serving three years in jail for embezzlement from a bank. While in prison he began writing stories to support his young daughter.

On • July 22, 1923, John Dillinger joins the Navy in order to avoid charges of auto theft, but deserts within a few months. Dillinger’s reputation as America’s most notorious criminal was forged in a single 12-month period in the early 1930s, during which he robbed more banks than Jesse James did in 15 years.

On • July 21, 1955, President Dwight D. Eisenhower presents his “Open Skies” plan, which called for the United States and the Soviet Union to exchange maps indicating the exact location of every military installation in their respective nations. The Russians rejected the plan. Months later, the Eisenhower administration approved the use of high-altitude spy planes to conduct surveillance over the Soviet Union.

On • July 20, 1969, stepping off the lunar landing module Eagle, Neil Armstrongbecomesthefirsthumanto walk on the moon. He told more than a billion people listening at home on Earth: “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.”

On • July 25, 1978, Louise Joy Brown, theworld’s first baby to beconceived via in-vitro fertilization, is born in Manchester, England. The healthy baby was delivered by Caesarean section and weighed in at 5 pounds, 12 ounces.

On • July 23, 1984, 21-year-old Vanessa Williams, the first blackMiss America, gives up her crown after a magazine announces plans to publish nude photos of her. Williams sued the photographer and the magazine, but later dropped the suits after it was learned that she had signed a model release form at the time the photos were taken.

(c) 2009 King Features Synd., Inc.

1. GEOGRAPHY On which continent is the country of Djibouti located?2. FOOD & DRINK: Who is credited with naming, if not inventing, the sandwich?3. MOVIES: Who played the lead in “The Invisible Man”?4. GAMES: In Monopoly, what are the four railroad spaces named?5. HUMAN ANATOMY What is a more common name for the umbilicus?6. GENERAL KNOWLEDGE: A Big Band dance called the “Lindy Hop” was inspired by which real person? 7. RELIGION: Noah’s Ark landed on what mountain, according to the Old Testament?8. ENTERTAINMENT: Who created the catchphrase “Bam!” on television?9. HISTORY: What was the Stanley Steamer?10. SCIENCE: Why does the brain produce endorphins?

Answers1. Africa (northeast)2. John Montagu, the fourth Earl of Sandwich3. Claude Rains4. Reading Railroad, B&O Railroad, Short Line and Pennsylvania Railroad5. Navel or belly button6. Charles Lindbergh, who was thefirsttoflysoloacrosstheAtlantic Ocean7. Mount Ararat8. TV chef Emeril Lagasse9. A steam-powered automobile built in the early 1900s10.Endorphins act as opiates, or natural painkillers, during extreme stress



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ARIES (March 21 to April 19) Is some-one at work resisting that Aries charm? Hard to believe. But seriously, Lamb, you might want to back up your ideas with some solid data, and then watch the yeas pile onTAURUS (April 20 to May 20) Your hard work could pay off in ways you didn’t ex-pect, but certainly deserve. Tend to that pesky health problem now so you’ll be in top shape to tackle the new projects coming up.GEMINI (May 21 to June 20) Planning a family event can be stressful unless you make it clear from the start that you’re in charge. You might accept suggestions, but it will be your decisions that count.CANCER (June 21 to July 22) You still have a way to go to bring that profes-sional matter to a satisfactory conclu-sion. Meanwhile, an important personal situation could require more of your at-tention by week’s end.LEO (July 23 to August 22) There’s something about you Fine Felines that makes people want to tell you secrets. But once again, be wary of who is doing the telling. You might not want to be that person’sconfidante.VIRGO (August 23 to September 22) Creating a fuss about a family matter might get everyone’s attention. But it might be better to talk one-on-one with family members in order to spare a loved one unnecessary embarrassment.LIBRA (September 23 to October 22) You’re making progress on that career move, albeit not as quickly as you had hoped. But stay with it. Your personal life takes an unexpected (but very welcome) new turn.SCORPIO (October 23 to November 21) If you feel you’ve been unfairly treat-ed in a workplace decision, correct the situation now while there’s still time to do so. Arm yourself with facts, and go to it. Good luck.SAGITTARIUS (November 22 to De-cember 21) Devising your own system of doing things might be the best way to handle an increasingly complex situa-tion. But do it tactfully in order to avoid ruffling too many of your colleagues’feathers.CAPRICORN (December 22 to Janu-ary 19) A family member’s health prob-lem might once again require you to shift some of your current priorities around. But this time, make certain other rela-tives will be there to help.AQUARIUS (January 20 to February 18) Catching up on tasks you’ve left undone will take a while to accomplish. But the sooner you complete them, the sooner you’ll be able to take on another time-sensitive project.PISCES (February 19 to March 20) You might feel swamped by all that you’re expected to do. But take a moment to come up for air, then handle things one at a time, and you’ll soon get through them all.BORN THIS WEEK: Although you love being home with your family, you also enjoy traveling and making new friends.

FOR WEEK OF JULY 20, 2009


The government’s Cash For Clunkers program can help get gas guzzlers off the road and shave thousands of dollars off the price of a new vehicle.Passenger vehicles that are traded in must be newer than 1984 models and get less than 18 mpg. For certain trucks, the model year must be 2001 and 15 mpg. The vehicle must be drivable. You can’t take an old vehicle from a junkyard and use it to trade in. All vehicles that are traded in are to be scrapped to get them off the road.Here are some specifics for the pro-gram:

You must buy your new vehicle be-•tween July 1 and Nov. 1, 2009.The new vehicle must cost less than •$45,000.You must have been the owner of re-•cord of the old vehicle for a minimum of one year.If you trade in a passenger car that •gets 18 mpg or less, the new vehicle must get 10 mpg more to qualify for the $4,500 voucher.If you trade in a passenger car that •gets 18 mpg or less, the new vehicle must get 4 mpg more to qualify for a $3,500 voucher.If you trade in a pickup or SUV (in-•cluding a minivan) that gets 18 mpg or less and you buy a similar vehicle that gets 2 mpg more, you qualify for a $3,500 voucher.If you trade in a pickup or SUV (in-•cluding a minivan) that gets 18 mpg or less, your new vehicle must get at least 5 mph higher to qualify for a $4,500 voucher.Trucks and vans weighing between •6,000 and 8,500 pounds that get 15 mpg qualify for vouchers of between $3,500 and $4,500.Finally, if an older vehicle has a trade-•in value greater than the amounts be-ingoffered,youwon’tbenefitfromthevouchers.

If a dealer is offering incentives such as thousands of dollars off the price of a ve-hicle, you can add that discount to the voucher amounts. The dealers them-selves will get the vouchers from the government via electronic access. If you’re unsure what gas mileage your current vehicle gets, go online to www.fueleconomy.gov for information. Any new vehicle will have the mileage on the window sticker.David Uffington regrets that he cannot per-sonally answer reader questions, but will in-corporate them into his column whenever possible. Write to him in care of King Features Weekly Service, P.O. Box 536475, Orlando, FL 32853-6475, or send e-mail to [email protected].


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EventsMicroChip Your Cat - FREE: September 2008 - September 2009 (as long as supplies last); Various veterinary hospitals and clinics across the metro area. 150,000 cats metro-wide will receive free microchips! Visit www.ChipYourCat.com for details.Meet Santa and Mrs. Claus: July 25, 2009, Kid To Kid, 15035 E. Mississippi, Aurora (NW corner of Mississippi and Chambers). FREE!!! 11:00 am - 4:00 pm. Moms and dads - bring the kids and bring your cameras - take FREE pictures of your children with Santa and Mrs. Claus. Mrs. Claus is planning on reading stories to all the children. Holiday clothing on sale. (303) 752-2757. www.Aurora.KidToKid.comCastle Rock Winefest: July 25, 2009; Wilcox and Perry Streets, Castle Rock. One third of Colorado’s wine producers will offer tastings of more than 160 varieties of Colorado wine. The art of winemaking is thriving in Colorado, from deep Merlots to elegant Rieslings, that consistently win top national and international awards. Chosen by the Colorado WineIndustryBoardasoneoffivefestival sites for its quality’; experience in tastings, demonstrations, artisans, entertainment and delicious cuisine. Enjoy today’s winemakers rebuilding a Colorado tradition at the Castle Rock Winefest. 12 noon - 6:00 pm $26 - $36. www.CaastleRockWinefest.comHighlands Ranch Concert Band: August 1, 2009 and August 22, 2009; Civic Center Park, Highlands Ranch. FREE!!!August 1st concert - children’s concert featuring tunes that the young fan will enjoy. Band members will be dressed in costumes and children can actually help conduct one of the songs! August 22nd concert - “Swing Shift” - a jazz ensemble will perform jazz and dance tunes. Bring a blanket, a picnic basket, and/or lounge chairs. (303) 683-4102.46th Annual Colorado Scottish Festival and Rocky Mountain Highland Games: August 8, 2009 - August 9, 2009; Highland Heritage Park, Littleton. Join this Celtic celebration featuring pipe bands, drumming, Scottish athletic competitions, highland dancing and folk music. Saturday 9:00 am - 10:00 pm, Sunday 9:00 am - 5:00 pm. $12 - adults. $8 Children (7-11). $8 Seniors (60+). FREE for children under 6. www.ScottishGames.org 2nd Annual Songwriters Supper - Under the August Moon: August 22, 2009; Sedalia. Fabulous food, tasty cocktails, silent and live auctions and amazing entertainment from some of the region’s most recognized songwriters. All proceeds go directly to St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital. $125. Call 1-800-287-3695 to sponsor or donate. www.StJude.org/songwriterssupper.Heritage Festival: August 29, 2009 - August 30, 2009; Estes Park. Take a step back into time and explore the history of Estes Park. It’s a perfect opportunity for the entire family to learn about strong pioneer mountain men and women. FREE www.EstesParkcvb.com

To Place Your Event in this calendar please e-mail [email protected]

as far ahead of the event as possible.

Free EventsBus Tour of the Golden Triangle Art/Museum District - First Friday of every month free, 5 - 9 pm. Ballet Arts Theatre, 816 Acoma St, Denver 303-825-7570 www.pnfproductions.comChildren’s Museum - Free admission firstTuesdayeveningofthemonth,4-8pm 2121 Children’s Museum Drive www.cmdenver.orgColorado Railroad Museum - Check the web site for free days. www.crrm.org 17155 W. 44th Avenue, Golden 303-279-4591CU In Broomfield World Music Series - Free concerts 2nd Wed of every month, 7pmBroomfieldAuditorium,3CommunityPark Rd, 303-469-3301 x7999 www.broomfield.orgDenver Art Museum - First Sat of every month free to CO residents, 10am-5pm 100 West 14th Avenue Parkway www.denverartmuseum.orgDenver Botanic Gardens - Free days: July 20, Aug 20, Sep 19, Oct 23; 9am-5pm 1005 York St, 720-865-3500 www.botanicgardens.orgDenver Museum of Nature & Science - 2009 Free days: Wed Aug 12, Sun Sep 13, Sun Oct 4, Mon Nov 2, Sun Nov 22. 2001 Colorado Boulevard, 303-322-7009 www.dmns.orgFirehouse Tales For Tots- Denver FirefightersMuseum1356TremontPl,(303) 892-1436. First Wednesday of each month 10:00 am - 10:30 am. Ages 2-6Museum of Contemporary Art - First Saturday of every month - Admission: 1 penny 1275 19th St, Denver 303-298-7554 www.mcartdenver.orgU.S. Mint - Free: Mon - Fri; 8am - 3pm; reservations encouraged 320 West Colfax Ave., 303-405-4761 www.usmint.gov

SportsColorado Rockies - Major League Baseball

Rockies host Diamondbacks: Mon Jul •20, 6:40 pm, Tue Jul 21, 6:40 pm, Wed Jul 22, 1:10 pmRockies host Giants: Fri Jul 24, 7:10 pm, •Sat Jul 25, 6:10 pm, Sun Jul 26 1:10 pmMets host Rockies: Mon July 27, 5:10 •pm, Tue July 28, 5:10 pm, Wed July 29, 5:10 pm, Thu July 30, 10:10 amReds host Rockies: Fri July 31, 5:10 pm, •Sat Aug 1, 5:10 pm, Sun Aug 2, 11:10 amPhillies host Rockies: Tue Aug 4, 5:05 •pm, Wed Aug 5, 5:05 pm, Thu Aug 6: 11:05 amRockies host Cubs: Fri Aug 7, 7:10 pm, •Sat Aug 8, 6:10 pm, Sun Aug 9, 1:10 pm,

Colorado Rapids - Major League SoccerRapids host New York: Sat Jul 25, 7:30 •pmRapids host Columbus: Sat Aug 1, 7:30 •pmRapids host Chivas USA: Sat Aug 8, •7:30 pmChicago hosts Rapids: Sun Aug 23, 4:00 •pmRapids host Houston: Sun Aug 30, 1:00 •pm

Denver Outlaws - Major League LacrosseFINAL HOME GAME OF SEASON - •Outlaws host Lizards: Sat July 25 7 pmLizards host Outlaws: Sat Aug 1, 5 pm•Nationals host Outlaws: Sat Aug 8, 5 pm•

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Where Books BloomDo you enjoy a good book? What about a Good Book? Many people enjoy reading the Bible, books on theology and religious principles and books on how to live a religious life. Many of these books can be found in generic bookstores but for a price.At The Garden Christian Bookstore, you can purchase Bibles and other good books for a fraction of the cost as you would at a big box bookstore. The reason for the price reduction - ? – someone else has read it before you.And what’s wrong with that? We go to the library all the time and have no problem reading a book hundreds have read before us. “Why not save some money while feeding your brain - and spirit,” says Susan McKenzie, owner of The Garden Christian Bookstore. Ms. McKenzie welcomes you to come in and browse the shelves. “We have an area to sit and look through your selections before taking them home.” Ms. McKenzie also invites you to bring in your gently used Bibles and Christian based books for consignment. Ms. McKenzie also accepts donated books and, on occasion, will purchase your

books.What if Used is not for you? The Garden Christian Bookstore also has new books for you. Ms. McKenzie welcomes all Christian based businesses to bring in their literature and local artists are encouraged to consign their works. The Garden Christian Bookstore is now accepting reservations for your small Christian based meetings, gatherings, study groups and book groups. The Garden Christian bookstore works with many different ministries and hosts books from all branches of Christianity. Ms. McKenzie encourages you to consign your books so that others may enjoy and learn.The following types of books are available now at The Garden Christian Bookstore:

Bibles•Self-Help•Parenting•General Theology•Devotionals and Study Guides•Relationships•Religious Based Therapy•

Stop in The Garden Christian Bookstore – 6801 S Emporia St. #107 in Greenwood Village (just south of the Shane company on Arapahoe Road just East of I-25) Tuesday through Thursday 10:00 am to 6:00 pm, Fridays 10:00 am – 5:00 pm and Saturdays 11:00 am – 5:00 pm. Closed Sundays, Mondays and holidays. You can also visit The Garden Christian Bookstore on-line www.GardenChristianBookstore.com where you will also find a wide variety ofChristian based gifts such as, jewelry, crosses, crucifixes, candles, votives,bookmarks, angels and much more.

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It was American paleontologist, biolo-•gistandscientifichistorianStephenJayGould who made the following observa-tion:“Themostimportantscientificrevo-lutions all include, as their only common feature, the dethronement of human ar-rogance from one pedestal after another of previous convictions about our central-ity in the cosmos.”Those who study such things claim that •spectators at horse races consume more snacks than fans at any other live sport-ing event.Duct tape is famous for the numerous •uses to which it’s been put, but you may be surprised to hear about this one: haute couture (of a sort). Every year, Duck brand duct tape holds a contest in which high-school students create prom dresses out of, yes, duct tape. The winner receives a $3,000 scholarship for college.FromtheYes,ThereIsaWordforItfiles:•purlicue.Whenyouextendyour forefin-ger and thumb as if you’re shooting an imaginary gun, the space between the two digits is know as the purlicue.The average bat lives approximately 18 •years -- and spends about 12 of those years sleeping.Iconic Elizabethan English playwright and •poet William Shakespeare had no formal education past grammar school.If you travel to Tokyo and have the great •good fortune to dine at the exclusive res-taurant called Happo-en, you might be able to get a look at the oldest bonsai trees in the world. The specimens kept in the restaurant’s private garden have been lovingly cultivated for between 400 and 800 years.When they’re over the open ocean, tsu-•namis can travel at more than 500 miles per hour.

Thought for the Day: “If A is success in life, then A equals x plus y plus z. Work is x; y is play; and z is keeping your mouth shut.”

-- Albert Einstein

WEEKLY ANSWERS

I had trouble with the idea of turning 30 and was oversensitive to any signs of advanc-ing age. When I found a prominent gray hair in my bangs, I pointed to my forehead and asked my husband, “Oh no, have you seen this?” “What?” he asked. “The wrinkles?” Billy’s father picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the acting roles for the school play were be-ing posted that day, he asked Billy if he got a part. Billy enthusiastically announced that he’d gotten a part. “I play a man who’s been married for twenty years.” “That’s great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they’ll be giving you a speaking part.”Senators William B. Spong of Virginia and Hiram Fong of Hawaii sponsored a bill rec-ommending the mass ringing of church bells to welcome the arrival in Hong Kong of the U.S. Table Tennis Team after its tour of Chi-na. The bill failed cheating the Senate out of passing the Spong-Fong Hong Kong Ping Pong Ding Dong Bell Bill. One beautiful Sunday morning, a minister announced to his congregation: “My good people, I have here in my hands three ser-mons...a$100sermonthatlastsfivemin-utes, a $50 sermon that lasts fifteenmin-utes, and a $10 sermon that lasts a full hour. “Now, we’ll take the collection and see which one I’ll deliver.” When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child. The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this: “Some parents,” she said, “tell the older child, ‘We love you so much we decid-ed to bring another child into this family.’ But think about that. Ladies, what if your hus-band came home one day and said, ‘Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.’” One of the women spoke up immediately. “Does she cook???” The police recently arrested a man sell-ing “secret formula” tablets he claimed gave eternal youth. When going through their filestheynoticeditwasthefifthtimehewascaught for committing this same criminal medical fraud. He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983.... A three-year old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens. “How did you know?” his mother asked. “Daddy picked them up and looked underneath,” he replied. “I think it’s printed on the bottom.”Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting together for Christmas, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother. The

firstsaid,“Ibuiltabighouseforourmother.”The second said, “I sent her a Mercedes.” The third smiled and said, “I’ve got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can’t see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took el-ders in the church 12 years to teach him. He’s one of a kind. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it.” Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: “Dear Milton,” she wrote one son, “The house you built is too huge. I live in only one room, but I have to keep the whole house clean!” “Dear Gerald,” she wrote to another, “I am too old to travel. I stay at home most of the time, so I rarely use the Mercedes.” “Dearest Donald,” she wrote to her third son, “You have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was Dee-licious!”A teacher was helping one of her kinder-garten students put his boots on. He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn’t want to go on. When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said, “Teach-er, they’re on the wrong feet.” She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn’t any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the right feet. He then an-nounced, “These aren’t my boots.” She bit her tongue and once again she struggled to helphimpulltheill-fittingbootsoff.Hethensaid, “They’re my brother’s boots. My Mom made me wear them.” She didn’t know if she should laugh or cry. She than mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots onto his feet again. She said, “Now, where are your mit-tens?” He said,“I stuffed them in the toes of my boots...”“Good grief,” sighed the wife one morn-ing, “I’m convinced my mind is almost com-pletely gone!”Her husband looked up from the newspaper and commented, “I’m not surprised. You’ve been giving me a piece of it every day for twenty years!”

By Samantha Weaver


WEEKLY FUNNIES

Call (303) 688-1987 or

emailInfo@TidbitsofDenver

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You might be from Colorado if...

You know the ‘correct’ pronunciation of •Buena Vista and Coloradoan. SPF 90 is not out of the question. •April showers bring May blizzards. •You have stood on solid ground and •lookeddownonanairplaneinflight.You see someone riding a Harley in a •snowstorm, and you look closer to see if it’s someone you know. Timberline is someplace you have •actually been, many times. People from other states breathe 5 •times more often than you. Having a Senator named ‘Nighthorse’ •doesn’t seem strange. A full moon has never kept you awake. •You have an $800 stereo in a $300 •truck. Knowing that Texas and California are •downstream gives you a certain feeling ofsatisfactionwhenyouflush.You know who Alferd Packer was. •You carry your $3,000 mountain bike on •top of your $500 car. You have a business degree and are •frying burgers at a McDonald’s in Vail. You think a pass does not involve a •football or a woman. You are 82 years old and take up •snowboarding. Your real Y2K fear was running out of •Celestial Seasonings tea and trail mix. You get depressed after one day of •cloudy weather. You think that formal wear is ironed •denim. You own a big dog named Aspen, Buck, •Cheyenne, Tex, or Dakota that wears a bandanna. North means “mountains to the left,” •south is “mountains to the right,” and east and west are where all those outsiders keep moving in from. You go anywhere else on the planet and •the air feels “sticky” and you notice the sky is no longer blue. You consider a three-piece suit to •be a pair of shorts, a sweatshirt, and Birkenstocks. Your bridal registry is at REI. •You expect the additional season... •“Road Construction.”

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tidbits - denver metro area - issue #1096

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