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TIDBITS® DIVES DEEP WITH THESEFISHY FACTS

by Sarah Bates

Tidbits is celebrating all our aquatic friends this week in the spirit of the Discovery Chan-nel’s annual Shark Week. Check your lo-cal listings for Shark Week every summer in July - in the mean time, check out these fishy facts!

Did you know that 50% of all species on • Earth can be found in the Earth’s oceans?Bony fish • are the l a r g e s t class of fish and i n c l u d e s creatures as small as the sea horse and as large as the blue marlin.The largest sharks in the world are the gi-• ant whale shark and the basking shark. The whale shark (rhineodon) is the largest and can grow up to 50 ft (15 m) and weigh up to 15 tons! Coming in a close second in the basking shark, measuring in at 46 ft (14 m). Both animals feed on plankton and can be found throughout the world’s oceans, though the basking shark prefers cooler waters.The term shark first appeared around the • end of the 16th century, but the shark has been around far longer! The oldest undis-puted shark remains date back 420 million years.Fish, the world’s oldest vertebrae, have • been around even longer, appearing some 500 million years ago. There are over 24,000 species of fish in the world. Although similarly named, Queen angel-• fish and angelfish are different species of fish. Sometimes they will mate, producing a rare but natural hybrid of fish.The catfish has an amazing sense of taste. • Some sources claim the catfish has as many as 250,000 taste buds - that’s 250 times more than we have!

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Issue #1097July 27, 2009

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1938 that scientists realized they still exist-ed! A second coelacanth was found again in 1952 and the fish has since been nick-named the “living fossil.” They are cousins of both lungfish and modern reptiles.Lungfish are a native fish of South America, • Africa and Australia. They have no gills but instead have developed lungs - hence the creative name. Lungfish haven’t changed much since they first appeared millions of years ago. They have long, snake-like bodies which can grow up to the length of a grown man. Because of their lungs they can live with little to no water. This helps them adapt when the water levels are low. They can survive until the levels rise again by digging a hole in the mud to protect themselves and can stay this way for up to two years.Some types of flatfish have a unique de-• fense mechanism - they can change the color of their upper body, normally a dark color, to match the sea floor. What a col-orful way to avoid becoming a meal and to wait for their own meals to come swim-ming by.

LAST FACT: Did you know that a group of herring is • called a siege?

FISHY FACTS:(continued)There are seven known species of gar fish • in the world, all located in North and Cen-tral America. Alligator gars are the largest of this type of fish. They are located pri-marily in the Southeast United States in coastal areas. They can grow up to 10 ft (3 m) and can weight up to 300 lbs (140 kg). The females of the species can live up to 50 years, nearly twice as long as male gars.Do you • k n o w what a b a l e e n is? A ba-leen is a kera-tin plate in the mouth of a baleen whale. Keratin is the sub-stance that finger nails, hair and horns are made of. Baleen whales use these plates (often called whalebone) to filter food such as plankton or small fish. Baleen was once used in such everyday items as parasols and corsets and over hunting whales for their baleen has caused many species to become endangered.Ever heard that fish can’t swim backwards? • This is true, but not entirely. Quite a few fish can swim backwards, but generally do not. Eels, however, often swim backwards and most fish that commonly swim back-wards are members of the eel family.You’ve probably heard this one too: a • shark can’t stop swimming or it will die. The truth is a shark can’t stop breathing or it will die. To breathe they must constantly move water over their gills, meaning they must constantly force water through their mouths and over their gills. However, some species of sharks can rest where the current is strong enough to push water over their gills and some sharks have even developed gill muscles and can pump wa-ter over their gills without moving! One of these species is the nurse shark, which has spiracles (small openings in their skin) that pump water over their gills. Did you know that the sea horse is one of • the only fish that can swim vertically?If you are a fan of Comedy Central’s Col-• bert Report, you might already be familiar with the barreleye fish. The show might be

for laughs but this fascinating fish isn’t a joke! There are two dark circular nodes on the front of its head which may look like its eyes, but they are actually its nostrils. Its eyes are really located within its translu-cent cranium - that’s right, it has clear skin. You can see right inside to its tubular eyes and brain. It’s too amazing not to see for yourself, so check it out by entering barrel-eye fish in your favorite search engine.The world’s smallest fish is also on the • translucent side. This transparent fish can be found in the swamps of Indonesia on the island of Sumatra. They live in highly acidic water, 100 times more acidic than rain. Not only are they the world’s small-est fish but they are also the smallest ver-tebrae. About the size of a fingernail clip-ping, this teeny swimmer was discovered by Maurice Kottelat of Sweden and Tan Heok Hui.Apparently, fish can get seasick. One sci-• entist, German Dr. Reinhold Hilbig, per-formed a series of tests that studied the effects of weightlessness in fish. Just how did he do this? Dr. Hilbig placed forty-nine fish in an aquarium inside a plane and sent it up into the sky. The plane pulled a steep dive to induce weightlessness. According to Dr. Hilbig, eight of the fish became dis-oriented and behaved much like humans do when they get seasick.40% of all fish species live in fresh water. • The fish that lays the most eggs is the • Ocean Sunfish, aka the head fish. The females lay up to 300 million eggs each time they spawn. They are native to the temperate surface waters of the Atlantic, Pacific and Indian Oceans. The stonefish is the deadliest fish of all, so • far as venom is concerned. Stonefish have caused death in humans when stepped on.The coelacanth, a bony fish found in the In-• dian Ocean off the East African coast, was thought to have gone extinct at the end of the Cretaceous period 80 million years ago. It wasn’t until a living specimen was netted off the coast of South East Africa in

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On Aug. 2, 1876,• “Wild Bill” Hickok, one of the greatest gunfighters of the American West, is murdered in a saloon in Deadwood, S.D., by a gunslinger named Jack McCall. According to legend, Hickok held a pair of black aces and eights when he died, a poker combination that has since been known as the “Dead Man’s Hand.”

On July 27, 1921,• at the University of Toronto, Canadian scientists Frederick Banting and Charles Best successfully isolate insulin -- a hormone they believe could prevent diabetes -- for the first time.

On July 28, 1932• , during the Great Depression, President Herbert Hoover orders the U.S. Army under Gen. Douglas MacArthur to use force to evict the Bonus Marchers from the nation’s capital. The group of some 1,000 unemployed World War I veterans was seeking cash payments for their veterans’ bonus certificates.

On Aug. 1, 1942• , Grateful Dead singer Jerry Garcia is born in San Francisco. At age 15, he traded a birthday gift from his mother -- an accordion -- for an electric guitar and was soon playing in San Francisco coffeehouses. The Grateful Dead’s only Top 10 hit was “Touch of Grey” in 1987.

On July 29, 1958• , the U.S. Congress passes legislation establishing the National Aeronautics and Space Administration, a civilian agency responsible for coordinating America’s activities in space. NASA was created in response to the Soviet Union’s 1957 launch of its first satellite, Sputnik I.

On July 30, 1976• , singing star and radio personality Kate Smith makes her last public appearance. She sang her trademark number, “God Bless America,” on a TV program honoring the U.S. Bicentennial. Smith launched her first radio show in 1931. She died in 1986.

On July 31, 1990• , Nolan Ryan wins the 300th game of his career, leading the Texas Rangers to an 11-3 victory over the Milwaukee Brewers. Ryan believed that pitching power comes from the legs, not the arms, and he ran every day. He pitched for 27 years in the big leagues, with the Mets, Angels, Astros and Rangers.

(c) 2009 King Features Synd., Inc.

1. GEOGRAPHY What country claims Addis Ababa as its capital?

2. MUSIC: What is the real name of Irish rock ban U2’s lead singer Bono?

3. SCIENCE: Which famous scientist was known as “the Wizard of Menlo Park”?

4. MOVIES: What was the name of the fictional town that was the setting for “Back to the Future”?

5. SPACE: Who was the last astronaut to step on the moon?

6. ENTERTAINERS: What was the name of Michael Jackson’s pet chimpanzee?

7. ANIMAL KINGDOM: What is the name for an animal that eats insects?

8. MEDICINE: Who produced the first vaccine for rabies?

9. TELEVISION: What was Andy Kaufman’s character named on the comedy series “Taxi”?

10. LITERARY: Who wrote the novel “The Bridge of San Luis Rey”?

Answers1. Ethiopia2. Paul Hewson3. Thomas Edison4. Hill Valley5. Eugene Cernan6. Bubbles7. Insectivore8. Louis Pasteur9. Latka Gravas10.Thornton Wilder



ARIES (March 21 to April 19) Your hon-esty is, as always, admirable. But you might want to be more tactful in discuss-ing a sensitive issue with a family mem-ber. Remember: You can give advice without giving offense.TAURUS (April 20 to May 20) An un-expected workplace snag should be handled quickly and efficiently so that it leaves you time for family get-togeth-ers. Also, you might soon get that long-sought apology.GEMINI (May 21 to June 20) Aspects favor family matters, especially where children might be involved. Spending time with loved ones helps restore some much-needed balance to your typically busy schedule.CANCER (June 21 to July 22) That seemingly clear-cut agreement might not be quite so straightforward after all. Recheck for language that could make you liable for hidden costs and other un-pleasant surprises.LEO (July 23 to August 22) Careful, Kitty. Better to deal with someone with proven reliability than with a big talker who promises much but can’t confirm that he or she will deliver. Your social life really zings this weekend.VIRGO (August 23 to September 22) Your matchmaking skills are at peak per-formance levels both in helping to staff workplace teams for upcoming projects and for bringing people together on a more personal basis.LIBRA (September 23 to October 22) You’re finally seeing some progress with your new venture. But be prepared for it to continue at a slower pace than you’re used to. Meanwhile, a loved one could be preparing a surprise.SCORPIO (October 23 to November 21) A family member’s success pulls you into the spotlight as well. Enjoy it, but don’t let it overshadow or otherwise obstruct what you’re doing with your own creative projects.SAGITTARIUS (November 22 to De-cember 21) Using what you already know might not be quite enough to get a proposed project off the ground. Look for any new information that might help tilt the scales in your favor.CAPRICORN (December 22 to Janu-ary 19) Good news: While a changing workplace environment can be daunt-ing for some, it could be the challenge you’ve been hoping for. If so, confront it with confidence and move on.AQUARIUS (January 20 to February 18) It’s a good time to recheck travel ar-rangements for any changes that could work to your advantage. Aspects also favor strengthening and restoring old, fraying relationships.PISCES (February 19 to March 20) Using your intuitive reasoning helps you cut right through the double-talk and go straight to what’s really going on around you. Stay the course until all your ques-tions are answered.BORN THIS WEEK: You radiate light and warmth, and others love being close to you.

FOR WEEK OF JULY 20, 2009


If you suddenly lose your job, you’ll need to stop spending immediately and take the time to assess your financial position -- unless you do it ahead of time. Take the time now to position yourself so you spend as little cash as possible for at least a month after losing your income. This will give you time to think and get a handle on your situation.Here are some ideas:

Food is on the list of must-have items. • Stock up on sale items with a long shelf life, such as canned vegetables, fruits, stews and meats. Drink mixes, powdered milk and boxed side dishes like macaroni and cheese need only to have water added. Keep track of expi-ration dates if you keep the food lon-ger than a month. Use them up before expiration, and replace as you go.Put aside essentials like toothpaste, • bath soap, deodorant, laundry de-tergent and a few cans of oil for the car. Add in a new oil filter if you’re in a position to be able to change the oil yourself.Utilities such as electricity, water and • telephone -- can you pay ahead by a few months?

Other things to do now:Know within $10 just how much mon-• ey you actually need to survive each month.Update your resume. Get books from • the library about how to create a good resume.Check into networking groups in your • area, and join one.Make a list of social-services phone • numbers, including local food pantries and meal centers. Know where and how you’ll apply for unemployment benefits.If you don’t have a computer, learn to • use the ones at the library. You’ll need them for your job hunt later.Build up as much of an emergency • fund as you can. Ideally you’ll have three to six months of salary banked for each wage earner in the house-hold. If that sounds impossible, think about being down to your last $5. If worst comes to worst, what will you spend it on? Food ... or gas for the car to get to a job interview? Every dollar in your fund will count.Find out how much unemployment • pays in your area. That extra money will help stretch your emergency mon-ey.

David Uffington regrets that he cannot per-sonally answer reader questions, but will in-corporate them into his column whenever possible. Write to him in care of King Features Weekly Service, P.O. Box 536475, Orlando, FL 32853-6475, or send e-mail to [email protected].


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EventsMicroChip Your Cat - FREE: September 2008 - September 2009 (as long as supplies last); Various veterinary hospitals and clinics across the metro area. 150,000 cats metro-wide will receive free microchips! Visit www.ChipYourCat.com for details.Highlands Ranch Concert Band: August 1, 2009 and August 22, 2009; Civic Center Park, Highlands Ranch. FREE!!!August 1st concert - children’s concert featuring tunes that the young fan will enjoy. Band members will be dressed in costumes and children can actually help conduct one of the songs! August 22nd concert - “Swing Shift” - a jazz ensemble will perform jazz and dance tunes. Bring a blanket, a picnic basket, and/or lounge chairs. (303) 683-4102.UnderTheAugustMoonatChatfield:August 8, 2009; Denver Botanic Gardens at Chatfield, Littleton. 5:00 pm - 8:00 pm. Imagine a summer evening on a prairie farm: birds chattering, grasses glowing at sundown, and then the sound of music and laguhter. Storytellers lead groups through the rustic setting; stroll to the historic farmhouse for appetizers and beverages (wine, beer, and non-alcoholic thirst quenchers); the smell of the barbecue in the wairm air beckons. Fun dancing ensues and the evening ends with delicious desserts and a string quartet serenading the crowd. Wander back in time a The Associates of Denver Botanic Gardens present Under the August Moon at Chatfield. $50 in advance, $60 at the door; includes all food, drinks, activities and entertainment. Proceeds benefit the Denver Botanic Gardens. Call (720) 865-3660 or email [email protected] www.BotanicGardens.org/content/under-august-moon 46th Annual Colorado Scottish Festival and Rocky Mountain Highland Games: August 8, 2009 - August 9, 2009; Highland Heritage Park, Littleton. Join this Celtic celebration featuring pipe bands, drumming, Scottish athletic competitions, highland dancing and folk music. Saturday 9:00 am - 10:00 pm, Sunday 9:00 am - 5:00 pm. $12 - adults. $8 Children (7-11). $8 Seniors (60+). FREE for children under 6. www.ScottishGames.org 2nd Annual Songwriters Supper - Under the August Moon: August 22, 2009; Sedalia. Fabulous food, tasty cocktails, silent and live auctions and amazing entertainment from some of the region’s most recognized songwriters. All proceeds go directly to St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital. $125. Call 1-800-287-3695 to sponsor or donate. www.StJude.org/songwriterssupper.Heritage Festival: August 29, 2009 - August 30, 2009; Estes Park. Take a step back into time and explore the history of Estes Park. It’s a perfect opportunity for the entire family to learn about strong pioneer mountain men and women. FREE www.EstesParkcvb.com

To Place Your Event in this calendar please e-mail [email protected]

as far ahead of the event as possible.

Free EventsBus Tour of the Golden Triangle Art/Museum District - First Friday of every month free, 5 - 9 pm. Ballet Arts Theatre, 816 Acoma St, Denver 303-825-7570 www.pnfproductions.comChildren’s Museum - Free admission first Tuesday evening of the month, 4 - 8pm 2121 Children’s Museum Drive www.cmdenver.orgColorado Railroad Museum - Check the web site for free days. www.crrm.org 17155 W. 44th Avenue, Golden 303-279-4591CUInBroomfieldWorldMusicSeries - Free concerts 2nd Wed of every month, 7pm Broomfield Auditorium, 3 Community Park Rd, 303-469-3301 x7999 www.broomfield.orgDenver Art Museum - First Sat of every month free to CO residents, 10am-5pm 100 West 14th Avenue Parkway www.denverartmuseum.orgDenver Botanic Gardens - Free days: Aug 20, Sep 19, Oct 23; 9am-5pm 1005 York St, 720-865-3500 www.botanicgardens.orgDenver Museum of Nature & Science - 2009 Free days: Wed Aug 12, Sun Sep 13, Sun Oct 4, Mon Nov 2, Sun Nov 22. 2001 Colorado Boulevard, 303-322-7009 www.dmns.orgFirehouse Tales For Tots- Denver Firefighters Museum 1356 Tremont Pl, (303) 892-1436. First Wednesday of each month 10:00 am - 10:30 am. Ages 2-6Museum of Contemporary Art - First Saturday of every month - Admission: 1 penny 1275 19th St, Denver 303-298-7554 www.mcartdenver.orgU.S. Mint - Free: Mon - Fri; 8am - 3pm; reservations encouraged 320 West Colfax Ave., 303-405-4761 www.usmint.gov

SportsColorado Rockies - MLB

Mets host Rockies: Mon July 27, 5:10 pm, • Tue July 28, 5:10 pm, Wed July 29, 5:10 pm, Thu July 30, 10:10 amReds host Rockies: Fri July 31, 5:10 pm, • Sat Aug 1, 5:10 pm, Sun Aug 2, 11:10 amPhillies host Rockies: Tue Aug 4, 5:05 • pm, Wed Aug 5, 5:05 pm, Thu Aug 6: 11:05 amRockies host Cubs: Fri Aug 7, 7:10 pm, • Sat Aug 8, 6:10 pm, Sun Aug 9, 1:10 pm,

Colorado Rapids - Major League SoccerRapids host Columbus: Sat Aug 1, 7:30 • Rapids host Chivas: Sat Aug 8, 7:30• Chicago hosts Rapids: Sun Aug 23, 4:00 • Rapids host Houston: Sun Aug 30, 1:00 •

Denver Outlaws - Major League LacrosseLizards host Outlaws: Sat Aug 1, 5 pm• Nationals host Outlaws: Sat Aug 8, 5 pm•

Colorado Avalanche - NHLAvalanche host Sharks; Thus Oct 1, 7:30 • pm TICKETS ON SALE NOW

Denver Broncos - NFLPRESEASON Broncos at San Francisco • Fri Aug 14, 7:00 pmPRESEASON Broncos at Seattle; Sat • Aug 22, 7:30 pm

Colorado Mammoth - Natl Lacrosse LeaguePRESEASON Mammoth hosts San • Jose, Sat Dec 20 7:00 pm

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Authentic Mexican Taste

There’s no need to jump on a plane or fire up the RV to have delicious and authentic Mexican food. El Parralito Mexican Restaurant brings authentic Mexican dishes to the Denver Metro Area. Since 1989 Mr. Cutberto “Bert” Aguirre and his staff have been providing Aurora and neighboring communities with delicious foods to whet any appetite.Dining in guests are treated to chips and fresh salsa while their meal is being prepared. Mr. Aguirre also provides his in dining guests a free sopapilla with any meal purchase over $5 and don’t miss out on El Parralito’s $2 house margarita’s (call the restaurant for times and restrictions). From tacos to chile relleno; this is your stop for the real deal – and the real meal! The menu is diverse and offers a large amount of steak dishes to choose from. Is shrimp on your mind? Look no further than El Parralito. Breakfast, lunch or dinner, dine in or carry out; El Parralito will satisfy your desire for authentic Mexican food.And speaking of lunch… El Parralito offers a variety of lunch specials. The food and

service are so good that El Parralito is a favorite amongst Air Force personnel at Buckley Air Force Base. While the restaurant is unimposing, located in the corner unit of a line of stores just north of Kentucky on Buckley, the waitresses are always friendly and prompt, the food fresh and delicious.Other Mexican favorites that can be found at El Parralito include (but certainly not limited to):

Burritos• Crispy or soft tacos• Enchiladas• Crispy or soft Chile Rellenos• Tamales• Carne Asada• Fajitas• Carnitas• Various steak dishes• Various shrimp dishes• Mexican hamburger• Salads• Quesadillas• Nachos• Tortas• Rice• Beans• And of course - A Full Bar Service•

Breakfast is also served as is quite popular for carry out to eat on your way to work

or to call ahead and pick up breakfast for the entire office!Cutberto “Bert” Aguirre, owner or El Parralito is offering each Tidbits reader 10% off their entire bill by bringing in their ad located on Page 2 of Tidbits – Denver Metro Area.Stop by today – breakfast, lunch and dinner are waiting for you!830 S. Buckley in Aurora – located on the Northeast corner of Buckley and Kentucky. Call (303)337-9459 for further information and directions. Open 10:00 am – 9:00 pm daily.

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M A N U F A C T U R E D H O U S I N G

C A R S

Do you need a car?

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Pristine Parker Home - Canterberry Golf Course Community - Walk to Pool!

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Need a new best friend?

Rosie - a 4 year old, spayed female, blue cream Domestic Longhair mix. ID #A0347023

Cat Of The Week

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Dog Of The WeekBullet - a 9 month old neutered male, black and white Labrador retriever mix. ID #A0492778

It was French playwright Albert Guinon • who made the following sage observa-tion: “When everyone is against you, it means that you are absolutely wrong -- or absolutely right.”If you’re like the average man, you have • roughly 15,000 whiskers on your face. (Yes, that pun was intended.)Several months ago, The Baltimore Sun • reported this stranger-than-fiction true-crime story: A robber tried to use a sawed-off shotgun to hold up a man named Ro-land Scott. Incensed, Scott wrestled the gun away from the would-be thief and ordered the man to hand over his own money and take off his clothes. After the robber complied, Scott started beating the man with the butt of the weapon. Dur-ing the beating, the shotgun went off, fa-tally shooting Scott in the stomach.That loose debris floating around up in • space is actually traveling at about 44,000 miles per second.Every July 4 weekend, the town of Austin, • Minn., hosts the SPAM Cookoff, featuring such delicacies as SPAM pizza, SPAM kabobs, SPAM Caesar salad, SPAM spring rolls, SPAM mousse, SPAM stru-del and, yes, SPAM cheesecake.If you happen to live near railroad tracks, • you probably aren’t too thrilled with all the noise. Look on the bright side, though: You probably have a better-than-average garden. It seems that the vibrations from passing trains help plants to thrive.During a portion of the 19th century, the • country of Switzerland changed its capi-tal every two years.What do President Andrew Jackson, in-• ventor Guglielmo Marconi, composer Irving Berlin, author Beatrix Potter and outlaws Jesse James and Butch Cassidy have in common? None of these famous personages had any formal schooling.

Thought for the Day: “The very purpose of existence is to reconcile the glowing opinion we have of ourselves with the appalling things that other people think about us.” -- Quentin Crisp

WEEKLY ANSWERS

Truths from ChildrenNo matter how hard you try, you can’t • baptise cats. When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don’t • let her brush your hair. If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. • They always catch the second person. Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold • a tomato. You can’t trust dogs to watch your food. • Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting • your hair. Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the • same time. You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a • glass of milk. Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under • white shorts. The best place to be when you’re sad is • Grandpa’s lap.

One day a father gets off of work and on his way home he remembers that it’s his daugh-ter’s birthday. He pulls over to a toy store and asks the salesperson, “How much is the Barbie that’s on display?” The salesper-son answers, “Which one? We have:Work out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Bar-bie for $19.95, Divorced Barbie for $200.00” The amazed father asks: “What? Why is the Divorced Barbie $200.00 and the others only $19.95?” The salesperson answers, “Sir, ‘Divorced Barbie’ is a complete set. She comes with: Ken’s Car, Ken’s House, Ken’s Dog, Ken’s Children, Ken’s Boat, Ken’s Fur-niture, and Ken’s Computer.”One day a 12-year-old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled up beside him and the driver lowered a window. “I’ll give you a large bag of M&Ms if you get in the car,” said the driver. “No way! Get lost!” replied the boy. “How about a bag of M&Ms and 10 dollars?” the driver asked. “I said no way,” replied the boy. “What about a bag of M&Ms and 50 dollars?” asked the driver. “No, I’m not getting in the car,” answered the boy. “Okay, I’ll give you a bag of M&Ms and 100 dollars,” the driver offered. “No!” re-plied the boy. “What will it take to get you in the car?” asked the driver. The boy replied, “Listen, Dad. You bought the Volvo--you live with it!”The teacher asked one of her young stu-dents if he knew his numbers.“Yes,” he said. “I do. My father taught me.” “Good. What comes after three.” “Four,” answers the boy. “What comes after six?” “Seven.” “Very good,” says the teacher. “Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?” “A jack,” says the little boy.

Arriving home from work at my usual hour of 5 p.m., I discovered that it had not been one of my wife’s better days. Nothing I said or did seemed to be right. By 7 p.m., things had not changed, so I suggested I go out-side, pretend I had just gotten home, and start all over again. My wife agreed.I went outside, came back in and, with a big smile, announced, “Honey, I’m home!” “And just where have you been?” she replied sharply. “It’s after seven o’clock!”A young woman brings home her fiancée to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancée to his study for a drink. “So what are your plans?” the father asks the young man. “I am study-ing to be a minister,” he replies. “A minis-ter. Hmmm,” the father says. “Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in?” “I will study,” the young man replies, “and God will provide for us.” “And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring?” asks the father. “I will concentrate on my studies,” the young man replies, “God will provide for us.” “And chil-dren?” asks the father. “How will you support children?” “Don’t worry, sir, God will provide,” replies the fiancée. Later, the mother asks, “How did it go, Honey?” The father answers, “He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I’m God.”A boy and his father are playing with toy cars, the father has the police car and pre-tends to pull over the car that the boy is play-ing with. “Do you have a drivers license?” asks the father. “No,” says the boy. “Are you resisting arrest?” the father asks. The boy hesitates before he says, “No ... I’m not sleepy yet.”There were four 80 year old men playing golf. One complained the hills were too high. The second complained the bunkers were too deep. The third said the holes were too wide. The fourth one said “Shut up! At least we’re still on the right side of the grass!”

By Samantha Weaver


WEEKLY FUNNIES

Call (303) 688-1987 or

emailInfo@TidbitsofDenver

.comToday!


Blonde One-Liners

Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a hand grenade at you?

A: Pull the pin and throw it back. Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off

a building, who hits the ground first? A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop

to ask for directions. Q: What happens when a blonde gets

Alzheimers disease? A: Her IQ goes up! Q: What is the difference between a smart

blonde and Bigfoot? A: Bigfoot has been spotted. Q: What do a blonde and a beer bottle

have in common? A: Both are empty from the neck up.Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird? A: She threw it off a cliff. Q: What do you call 20 blondes in a

freezer? A: Frosted Flakes.Q: What’s the Blonde’s cheer? A: “I’m blonde, I’m blonde, I’m

B.L.O.N....ah, oh well.. I’m blonde, I’m blonde, yea yea yea...”

Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?

A: Proofreading. Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired

from the M&M factory? A: For throwing out the W’s. Q: How many blondes does it take to make

chocolate-chip cookies? A: Ten. One to mix the dough and nine

to peel the M&Ms.Q: What did the blonde say when she

looked into a box of Cheerios? A: “Oh look! Doughnut seeds!”Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a

blonde’s head? A: A Space Invader. Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after

she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?

A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.

Q: How does a blonde high-5? A: She smacks herself in the forehead. Q: What do you call a brunette with a

blonde on either side? A: An interpreter. Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing

ear to ear? A: A wind tunnel. Q: What do you call a blonde skeleton in

the closet? A: Last year’s hide-and-seek champ.

“The World Through A Child’s Eyes”

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This acclaimed book written by Michael Brasier is perfect for children and adults alike who enjoy reading about different

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Laugh Lines!

Caroline’s Interior Consignments

Tuesday - Friday 10:00 am - 6:00 pmSaturday 10:00 am - 5:00 pm

Sunday 1:00 pm - 5:00 pmClosed Monday and legal holidays

10890 E Dartmouth Ave Ste D, Denver(between Havana and Parker)

(303) 337-8181

Prices so fair - everyone can have a beautiful home.

Interior Designer to help with your choicesShop us FIRST - Shop us LAST

3 - 5 new deliveries each weekDelivery and Pick Up available

Layaway Available

Quips & Quotes“The life each of us lives is the life within the limits of our own thinking. To have life more abundant, we must think in limitless

terms of abundance.”- Thomas Dreier

Quips & Quotes“The future belongs to those who believe

in the beauty of their dreams.”

- Eleanor Roosevel

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tidbits - denver metro area - issue #1097

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