tidbits - denver metro area - issue #1100

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TIDBITS® UNEARTHS SOME FUN WHILE

DIGGIN’ THOSE DINOSby Sarah Bates

Some kids wanted to be astronauts, some wanted to be ballerinas, but then there were some, like this author, that wanted to be a Brontosaurus. This article is for the little pa-leontologist in all of us.

The word dinosaur was first coined by Sir • Richard Owen in 1841. It is a derivative of the Greek words deinos (terrible, pow-erful) and sauros (lizard). The word was first published in a report to the British Association for the Advancement of Sci-ences in 1841.Dinosaurs roamed Earth over 160 million • years, from the Triassic (230 million years ago) to the Cretaceous (65 million years ago) period.

The earliest ver-• ifiable published record of dino-saurs was in an 1820 note by Na-than Smith in the American Journal of Science and Arts. The note described bones found by Solo-mon Ellsworth, Jr. while digging at his homestead in

Windsor, Connecticut in 1818. The bones were first thought to be human, but were later identified as an Anchisaurus.As of 2008, there were 1,047 discovered • species of dinosaurs, though it is believed that there are still many more to be dis-covered.Paleontologists believe that some of the • first dinosaurs were predators that walked upright and would have been the ances-tors of dinosaurs like the Tyrannosaurus Rex and Velociraptor.Most paleontologists will agree that birds • descended from early dinosaurs and small theropods. The 1998 discovery of two an-imals in China’s Liaoning Province further proved this theory. The fossils, which are 120 million years old, showed the animal had a small, theropod body, walked on its hind legs, had feathers on its short upper arms and tail and had a beak like mouth.

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Issue #1100August 17, 2009

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died off without plants to eat, followed by the carnivores.The Alvarez theory was first published in • the journal Science in 1980. The theory had few supporters until the discovery of the Chicxulub Impact crater on the Yu-catan Peninsula in Mexico. The Chicxulub crater, 110 mi (180 km) in diameter, was discovered by geophysicist Glen Penfield while looking for oil in the Yucatan. Pen-field discovered the crater in about 1978, but it didn’t garner much attention until about 1990.There is also a multiple impact hypothesis • that suggests several other impact craters (in England, the Ukraine, etc.) were made about the same time as the Chicxulub cra-ter.Are dinosaurs still around? Some people • believe Nessie the Loch Ness monster is actually a plesiosaur. There are also those who claim to have spotted “ropens” in and around Papua New Guinea and believe the creature to be a pterosaur. Strange creatures have been caught in fishermen’s nets, but like Nessie, most scientists dub these sightings as lore without hard scien-tific evidence. As of today, the only living, verifiable dinosaurs are birds. Think about that the next time you eat a chicken sand-wich.

DIGGIN’ THOSE DINOS (continued)Dinosaur is technically an incorrect descrip-• tion for pterosaurs like the pterodactyl, and the aquatic plesiosaurs. The dinosaurs, pterosaurs and plesiosaurs are all orders of the Reptile class. The term dinosaur specifically refers to the terrestrial reptiles of that time. Pterosaurs and dinosaurs are

more closely related than plesiosaurs and dinosaurs, as pterosaurs and dinosaurs both fall under the infraclass Archosaur. To make it even more confusing, birds devel-oped from the earthbound dinosaurs not the airborne pterosaurs.Dinosaurs are placed into orders by their • hip structure. Saurischians have hip struc-tures like lizards. Ornithischians have hip structures like birds. The Saurischian or-der contains the familiar favorites such as the Tyrannosaurus Rex and the Apatosau-rus and the Ornithischian order contains the familiar Stegosaurus, Triceratops and duckbilled dinosaur Hadrosaurid.The Saurischians were divided further • into theropods and saurapods. Theropods were generally carnivorous and bipedal, meaning they walked upright. Sauropods were herbivorous quadropeds, meaning they walked on all fours.Most dinosaurs were massive in compari-• son to modern animals. The only animal that surpasses is the blue whale, which averages 108 ft (32.9 m) and 190 tons. The Argentinosaurus did beat out the blue whale in length, averaging 123 ft (37 m), but weighed less than half as much as the blue whale. However, the Argentinosaurus was the heaviest of the dinosaurs.The pterosaur Quetzylcoatlus (named af-• ter the Aztec god Quetzalcoat) had the largest wingspan of any animal to ever live. It measured it 30-45 ft (9-14 m).What is the name of the fast, ferocious and • carnivorous dinosaurs in Jurassic Park? If you said Velociraptor, you’re right and wrong. That is what they called it the di-

nosaur in the film, but that dinosaur was not a Velociraptor. That dinosaur is actu-ally called Deinonychus, Greek for “terrible claw.” Actual Velociraptors were about the size of chickens.Ancestors of dinosaurs may have been • Theocodonts, which were long-jawed and tailed, low to the ground and carnivorous. They looked similar to modern crocodiles, except on a much larger scale.Fossils of some of the world’s first dino-• saurs have been found in Madagascar. These fossils date from the Triassic period. One of the first dinosaurs was the Eorap-tor, “dawn plunderer.” This raptor was a theropod about the size of a dog.A lot of us grew up familiar with the Bron-• tosaurus, and like with Pluto, it’s a little disheartening to hear either isn’t what we thought they were. But, unlike Pluto, the Brontosaurus wasn’t reclassified so much as just misnamed and mixed up. See, it all started in 1879 when paleontologist Oth-niel Marsh stuck the wrong head on the wrong body and dubbed it Brontosaurus. It was actually an Apatosaurus with a Ca-marasaurus head. In 1989, the debate of which name was correct came to a head when the U.S. Postal Service planned to use the Brontosaurus on a postage stamp. It was also at this time that the head switch was discovered. Technically, the name Ap-atosaurus is correct as it was used first, making Brontosaurus a synonym.In 1980, it was physicist Luis Alvarez and • son, geologist Walter Alvarez, that pro-posed a 4-9 mi (6-15 km) diameter as-teroid hit the earth about 65 million years ago. The impact would have scattered debris high into the atmosphere, creating a cloud of dust that would have encircled the globe and blocked the sun for months, maybe even years. The impact and sub-sequent shock waves, would have caused megatsunamis, earthquakes, volcanic eruptions and an extreme greenhouse ef-fect. All of this would have hindered plant growth, setting off a chain of events that would have led to the ultimate extinction of the dinosaurs. Herbivores would have

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On • Aug. 23, 1784, four counties in western North Carolina declare their independence as the state of Franklin. In defiance of Congress, Franklin survived as an independent nation for four years with its own constitution, Indian treaties and legislated system of barter in lieu of currency.On • Aug. 21, 1903, America’s first transcontinental auto race, stretching from New York City to San Francisco, is completed. The race was finished by Tom Fetch and M.C. Karrup in two Model F Packards, which traveled an average of 80 miles per day for 51 days.On • Aug. 20, 1911, a dispatcher in the New York Times office sends the first telegram around the world via commercial service. The message left New York at 7 p.m. After it traveled more than 28,000 miles, being relayed by 16 different operators, the reply was received by the same operator 16.5 minutes later.On • Aug. 19, 1921, TV producer Gene Roddenberry, best known as the creator of “Star Trek,” is born in El Paso, Texas. Although “Star Trek” ran for only three years and never placed better than No. 52 in the ratings, Roddenberry’s sci-fi series became a cult classic and spawned four television series and nine movies.On • Aug. 22, 1935, author Annie Proulx is born in Norwich, Conn. Her second novel, “The Shipping News,” about an out-of-luck journalist and father who rebuilds his life after moving to Newfoundland, won the Pulitzer Prize.On • Aug. 17, 1969, the grooviest event in music history -- the Woodstock Music Festival -- draws to a close after three days of peace, love and rock ‘n’ roll in upstate New York. A total of 186,000 tickets had been sold, but close to half a million people showed up.On • Aug. 18, 1977, Gordon Sumner (better known as Sting), Stewart Copeland and Andy Summers give their first performance as The Police at a nightclub in Birmingham, England. Sting, nicknamed for a black and yellow shirt he frequently wore to his early gigs, was born in Newcastle, England. Before becoming a full-time musician, he worked as a teacher and ditch digger.

(c) 2009 King Features Synd., Inc.

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ARIES (March 21 to April 19) A chaotic atmosphere taxes the patience of the Ar-ies Lamb, who prefers to deal with a more orderly environment. Best advice: Stay out of the situation until things settle.TAURUS (April 20 to May 20) Tension runs high in both personal and workplace relationships. This can make it difficult to get your message across. Best to wait un-til you have a more receptive audience.GEMINI (May 21 to June 20) This is a good time to take a break from your busy schedule to plan for some well-deserved socializing. You could get news about an important personal matter by the week’s end.CANCER (June 21 to July 22) An offer of help could come just when you seem to need it. But be careful about saying yes to anything that might have conditions at-tached that could cause problems down the line.LEO (July 23 to August 22) Sometimes a workplace colleague can’t be charmed into supporting the Lion’s position. That’s when it’s time to shift tactics and over-whelm the doubter with the facts.VIRGO (August 23 to September 22) You continue to earn respect for your ef-forts to help someone close to you stand up to a bully. But be careful that in pushing this matter you don’t start to do some bul-lying yourself.LIBRA (September 23 to October 22) Don’t ask others if they think you’re up to a new responsibility. Having faith in your own abilities is the key to dealing with a challenge. P.S.: That “private” matter needs your attention.SCORPIO (October 23 to November 21) This is a good time to use that Scorpian creativity to come up with something spe-cial that will help get your derailed career plans back on track and headed in the right direction.SAGITTARIUS (November 22 to Decem-ber 21) While change is favored, it could be a good idea to carefully weigh the pos-sible fallout as well as the benefits of any moves before you make them.CAPRICORN (December 22 to January 19) The Goat continues to create a stir by following his or her own path. Just be sure you keep your focus straight and avoid any distractions that could cause you to make a misstep.AQUARIUS (January 20 to February 18) A colleague’s demands seem out of line. But before reacting one way or another, talk things out and see how you might re-solve the problem and avoid future misun-derstandings.PISCES (February 19 to March 20) A personal matter appears to be making more demands on your time than you feel you’re ready to give. See if some compro-mise can be reached before things get too dicey.BORN THIS WEEK: You’re able to com-municate feelings better than most people. Have you considered a career in the pulpit or in politics?

FOR WEEK OF AUGUST 17, 2009


Health Savings Accounts offer a way to put aside money for medical expenses with pre-tax dollars. Not everyone quali-fies for an HSA, but for those who do, it can be a way to save money and reduce your taxes. The main requirement for an HSA is that you have a high-deductible health insur-ance policy, and that it is your only cover-age. High-deductible policies are those with deductibles of more than $1,150 for individuals and $2,300 for families. One of the benefits of a high-deductible health policy is lower premium costs.Another requirement is the cap on your out-of-pocket annual expenses (includ-ing deductibles and co-payments). For individuals that amount is $5,800 and $11,600 for families.Annual contributions to an HSA are lim-ited to $3,000 for individuals and $5,950 for families. For those age 55 or older who want to start an HSA and catch up on contributions, an additional $1,000 is allowed.You must be under age 65 and not claimed as a dependent on anyone else’s tax return.If you spend the money during the year on qualified medical expenses, the dis-tributions are tax free. However, if you spend the funds for non-medical ex-penses before you reach age 65, you’ll have to pay the taxes on that money as well as a 10 percent penalty. After that age, you only pay the taxes.Three big benefits: You can take your HSA with you if you change jobs or health insurance policies. The money rolls over from year to year and accumulates. You can use the money for things your medi-cal insurance might not cover, such as dental and eye care.Signing up for an HSA is easy. Sign up through a bank or an insurance com-pany. The hard part is deciding on the insurance policy itself, and that’s where an adviser can come in handy.For tax information, look for Internal Revenue Service Publication 969. (Note that the qualifying deductible and out-of-pocket expenses still show the lower figures for 2008, and they haven’t begun calculating for 2009 yet.) For 2010, the maximum contribution amounts will be $3,050 for an individual and $6,150 for a family. The catch-up amount for those 55 and older will be unchanged at $1,000.David Uffington regrets that he cannot person-ally answer reader questions, but will incorporate them into his column whenever possible. Write to him in care of King Features Weekly Service, P.O. Box 536475, Orlando, FL 32853-6475, or send e-mail to [email protected].


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EventsMicroChip Your Cat - FREE: September 2008 - September 2009 (as long as supplies last); Various veterinary hospitals and clinics across the metro area. 150,000 cats metro-wide will receive free microchips! Visit www.ChipYourCat.com for details.Highlands Ranch Concert Band: August 22, 2009; Civic Center Park, Highlands Ranch. FREE!!! “Swing Shift” - a jazz ensemble will perform jazz and dance tunes. Bring a blanket, a picnic basket, and/or lounge chairs. (303) 683-4102.2nd Annual Songwriters Supper - Under the August Moon: August 22, 2009; Sedalia. Fabulous food, tasty cocktails, silent and live auctions and amazing entertainment from some of the region’s most recognized songwriters. All proceeds go directly to St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital. $125. Call 1-800-287-3695 to sponsor or donate. www.StJude.org/songwriterssupper.3rd Annual Jazz Festival: August 28, 2009; Town Hall ARts Center, Littleton. The Littleton Jazz Foundation presents the 3rd Annual Jazz Festival 6:00 pm - 10:00 pm. If you like the tradition of jazz music presented by Basie, Ellington, and Brubeck, this concert is for you. Four top shelf jazz groups from the Denver area, including Purnell Stenn and Le Jazz Machine; the Ellyn Rucker Quartet, featuring saxophonist Rich Chiarluce; the Keith Oxman Quartet; and the Metropolitan Jazz Orchestra, an 18 piece big band. Tickets - $25 general admission and $20 seniors and students. To order call (303) 794-2787 or go online to www.TownHallArtsCenter.comLife Changing Creation/Evolution Seminar: August 29, 2009; CHolly Cross Lutheran Church, Corner of Foothills Canyon Pkwy across from the West Rec. Center in Highlands Ranch. FREE WILL DONATION. Saturday August 29th; 9 am - 12 pm - Refreshments served. Bring the kids!Heritage Festival: August 29, 2009 - August 30, 2009; Estes Park. Take a step back into time and explore the history of Estes Park. It’s a perfect opportunity for the entire family to learn about strong pioneer mountain men and women. FREE www.EstesParkcvb.com33rd Annual Colorado Balloon Classic: September 5, 2009 - September 7, 2009; Memorial Park, Manitou Springs. More than 100 balloons will be launched and the largest and oldest hot air balloon festival in Colorado, held in Colorado Springs. Entertainment and Concessions will be available at this FREE event. www.BalloonClassic.com2009 Annual Pumpkin Festival: October 10, 2009 - October 11, 2009; Denver Botanic Gardens at Chatfield, Littleton. 9:00 am - 5:00 pm. $5 Adults, $4 Member, $2 Child, $2 Member Child - ANY CHILD IN COSTUME = FREE. 5 Acre Pumpkin Patch - Crafts, Food and Events. www.BotanicGardens.org

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Free EventsBus Tour of the Golden Triangle Art/Museum District - First Friday of every month free, 5 - 9 pm. Ballet Arts Theatre, 816 Acoma St, Denver 303-825-7570 www.pnfproductions.comChildren’s Museum - Free admission first Tuesday evening of the month, 4 - 8pm 2121 Children’s Museum Drive www.cmdenver.orgColorado Railroad Museum - Check the web site for free days. www.crrm.org 17155 W. 44th Avenue, Golden 303-279-4591CU In Broomfield World Music Series - Free concerts 2nd Wed of every month, 7pm Broomfield Auditorium, 3 Community Park Rd, 303-469-3301 x7999 www.broomfield.orgDenver Art Museum - First Sat of every month free to CO residents, 10am-5pm 100 West 14th Avenue Parkway www.denverartmuseum.orgDenver Botanic Gardens - Free days: Aug 20, Sep 19, Oct 23; 9am-5pm 1005 York St, 720-865-3500 www.botanicgardens.orgDenver Museum of Nature & Science - 2009 Free days: Sun Sep 13, Sun Oct 4, Mon Nov 2, Sun Nov 22. 2001 Colorado Boulevard, 303-322-7009 www.dmns.orgFirehouse Tales For Tots- Denver Firefighters Museum 1356 Tremont Pl, (303) 892-1436. First Wednesday of each month 10:00 am - 10:30 am. Ages 2-6Museum of Contemporary Art - First Saturday of every month - Admission: 1 penny 1275 19th St, Denver 303-298-7554 www.mcartdenver.orgU.S. Mint - Free: Mon - Fri; 8am - 3pm; reservations encouraged 320 West Colfax Ave., 303-405-4761 www.usmint.gov

SportsColorado Rockies - MLB

Nationals host Rockies: Tue Aug 18, 5:05 • pm, Wed Aug 19, 5:05 pm, Thu Aug 20, 5:05 pmRockies host Giants: Fri Aug 21, 7:10 pm, • Sat Aug 22, 6:10 pm, Sun Aug 23, 1:10 pm, Mon Aug 24, 6:40 pmRockies host Dodgers: Tue Aug 25, 6:40 • pm, Wed Aug 26, 6:40 pm, Thu Aug 27, 1:10 pmGiants host Rockies: Fri Aug 28, 8:15 pm, • Sat Aug 29, 7:05 pm, Sun Aug 30 2:05Rockies host Mets: Tue Sep 1, 6:40 pm, • Wed Sept 2, 6:40 pm, Thu Sep 3, 1:10 pmRockies host Diamonbacks: Fri Sep 4, • 7:10 pm, Sat Sep 5, 6:10 pm, Sun Sep 6, 1:10 pmRockies host Reds: Mon Sep 7, 1:10 pm, • Tue Sep 8, 6:40 pm, Wed Sep 9, 6:40 pm, Thu Sep 10, 1:10 pm

Colorado Rapids - Major League SoccerChicago hosts Rapids: Sun Aug 23, 4:00 • Rapids host Houston: Sun Aug 30, 1:00 •

Colorado Avalanche - NHLAvalanche host Sharks; Thus Oct 1, 7:30 • pm TICKETS ON SALE NOW

Denver Broncos - NFLPRESEASON Broncos at Seattle; Sat • Aug 22, 7:30 pm

Colorado Mammoth - Natl Lacrosse LeaguePRESEASON Mammoth hosts San • Jose, Sat Dec 20 7:00 pm

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Aurora Business and Professional Women

On August 26, 1920, the 19th Amendment to the United States Constitution was passed. The 19th Amendment gave the right to vote to over 50% of the population of this country – women. One of the factors in getting this amendment to pass was the National Federation of Business and Professional Women’s Club (BPW) founded in July 1919. Three major issues shaped BPW’s legislative agenda; elimination of sex discrimination in employment, the principle of equal pay, and the right to vote for women. While the passage of the 19th amendment granted women the right to vote, the BPW is still working hard for equal pay for equal work and the elimination of sex discrimination in employment.During the 1930’s, the BPW worked to prohibit legislation or directives denying jobs to married women. BPW lobbied successfully to legislatively end the legal practice of workplace preference for unmarried persons and, in the case of married persons, preference for males. During the 1940’s and the start of World War II, BPW developed a classification system for women with specialized skills critical to the war effort and supported the formation of women’s branches of the Armed Forces. Immediately following he war, the Women’s Pay Act of 1945, the first ever legislation to require equal pay, was introduced in the U.S.

Congress. It would take another 18 years before an equal pay bill would make it to the President’s desk to be signed into law. The BPW Foundation was incorporated in 1956, creating a branch to provide research information, career development programs, and scholarships to disadvantaged women, workshops and other training opportunities. The establishment of “Status of Women” commissions in the US in 1963 was due largely to BPW efforts. President Kennedy recognized BPW’s leading role in securing passage of the Equal Pay Act by giving BPW’s National President the first pen he used when signing the Act into law. BPW intensified efforts to eliminate discrimination based on sex and marital status in credit, capital, and insurance practices during the 1970’s. A legislative strategy was developed to achieve the Congressional votes needed and the BPW Political Action Committee was formed in 1979 to endorse federal candidates. During the ‘80’s, the BPW tackled “comparable worth” by calling for newspapers to stop the occupational segregation in classified ads. Numerous state and municipal governments revamped their pay scales, recognizing dissimilar jobs may not be identical, but may be comprised of tasks, educational requirements, experience and other characteristics that are equivalent or comparable. In 1986, San Francisco became the first in the nation to approve a

pay equity referendum, implementing $34 million in increases for employees in female and minority-dominated jobs.Continuing with BPW’s focus on workplace issues, BPW lobbied Congress for passage of the Family and Medical Leave Act. After nearly a decade, the FMLA passed in 1993. Social Security Reform became a front-burner issue for BPW in 1999 and continues to be an issue BPW follows closely. The wage gap contributes to a $200,000 loss in social security benefits to the average woman. BPW continues to be branded as the premiere grassroots organization addressing the wage gap.The Aurora BPW presents “Aurora City Council Up Close and Personal” on September 3, 2009, at St. Andrew’s Village, 13801 E Yale Ave in Aurora. This event begins at 5:30 pm for 30 minutes of networking followed by a dinner and a round table discussion by current City Council members and Candidates. Each participant will have 3 minutes. It is up to each participant to determine how they would like to use their time. The object is to inform the voters about Aurora City Council - what it is and how it works as well as informing citizens about what issues are facing each Ward and that all comes together at Council meetings. The cost is $20 per person – to RSVP contact Aurora BPW President Felicia Stanton at (303) 807-4973 or send an email to [email protected]

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It was American humorist, writer and tele-• vision host Sam Levenson who related the following remembrance: “It was on my fifth birthday that Papa put his hand on my shoulder and said, ‘Remember, my son, if you ever need a helping hand, you’ll find one at the end of your arm.’”The Associated Press recently reported • on a kind act gone terribly awry. An Is-raeli woman surprised her mother by having her old mattress hauled away and replacing it with a brand-new one. When the mother returned home and discov-ered what had happened, she was ter-ribly distraught. It seems the woman had been hiding money in the old mattress for years -- about $1 million. According to a survey conducted in 2008, • 15 percent of American men spend more than an hour in the bathroom every day. Unsurprisingly, the number of women who spend that long in the bathroom is much higher, at 38 percent.It’s been reported that whenever he trav-• eled, French philosopher, mathemati-cian, scientist and writer Rene Descartes brought with him a doll named after his daughter, Francine.The most common surname in the Unit-• ed States is Smith, followed, in order, by Johnson, Williams and Jones.A man in Sandusky, Ohio, evidently had • a rat problem in his home -- and had a novel way of dealing with it. It seems that whenever he saw -- or thought he saw -- a rat, he would shoot it. This method didn’t always work the way he planned, however. He once shot himself in the foot. On another occasion, he mistook his wife’s hat for one of the pesky rodents and shot it. Unfortunately, the hat was on her head at the time, and the man was charged with negligent assault.

Thought for the Day: “Almost all our faults are more pardonable than the methods we resort to to hide them.”

-- Francois de La Rochefoucauld

WEEKLY ANSWERS

A man visits his aunt in the nursing home. It turns out that she is taking a nap, so he just sits down in a chair in her room, flips through a few magazines, and munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table. Eventually, the aunt wakes up, and her nephew realizes he’s absentmindedly finished the entire bowl. “I’m so sorry, aun-tie, I’ve eaten all of your peanuts!” “That’s okay, dearie,” the aunt replied. “After I’ve sucked the chocolate off, I don’t care for them anyway.”

The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson. “Is the word spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t?’’ she asked the instructor. “P-u-t-t is correct,’’ he replied. “Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means mere-ly a vain attempt to do the same thing.”

It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty. A General stepped out tak-ing his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a per-fect salute, and snapped out “Sir, Good Evening, Sir!” The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said “Good evening soldier, nice night, isn’t it?” Well it wasn’t a nice night, but the Private wasn’t going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied “Sir, Yes Sir!”. The General continued, “You know there’s something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it’s really relax-ing. Don’t you agree?” The Private didn’t agree, but them the private was just a pri-vate, and responded “Sir, Yes Sir!” The General, pointing at the dog, “This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train.” The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said “Sir, Yes Sir!” The General continued “I got this dog for my wife.” The Private replied, “Good trade sir!”

It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom: “Will the students who are parked on Uni-versity Drive please move their cars so that we may being plowing.” Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: “Will the nine hundred students who went to move fourteen cars return to class.”

A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave,

and walked out together. One said to the other three, “People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems.” The others agreed. Then one said, “Since we are all professionals, why don’t we take some time right now to hear each other out?” The other three agreed. The first then confessed, “I have an un-controllable desire to kill my patients.” The second psychiatrist said, “I love ex-pensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want.” The third followed with, “I’m involved with sell-ing drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me.” The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, “I know I’m not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can’t keep a secret...”

Manager: “Thank you for your interest, but we’ve decided to give the American the job” Murphy: “And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct. This being Ireland and me be-ing Irish I should get the job!” Manager: “We have made our decisions not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed.” Murphy: “And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?” Manager: “Simple, the American put down on question #5, “I don’t know.”, You put down “Neither do I.”

This guy is walking with his friend, who happens to be a psychologist. He says to this friend, “I’m a walking economy.” The friend asks, “How so?” “My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of infla-tion, and both of these together are put-ting me into a deep depression!”

A guy goes to a psychiatrist. “Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I’m a teepee; then I’m a wig-wam; then I’m a teepee; then I’m a wig-wam. It’s driving me crazy. What’s wrong with me?” The doctor replies: “It’s very simple. You’re two tents.”

By Samantha Weaver


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Actual School Excuses...Dear School: Please excuse John • from being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.Please excuse Dianne from being • absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.Please excuse Johnnie for being. It • was his father’s fault.Chris will not be in school because he • has an acre in his side.John has been absent because he • had two teeth taken off his face.Excuse Gloria. She has been under • the doctor.Lillie was absent from school • yesterday because she had a going over.My son is under the doctor’s care • and should not take fizical ed. Please execute him.Carlos was absent yesterday because • he was playing football. He was hit in the growing part.

My daughter • was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent this weekend with the Marines.

Please excuse • Joyce from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday she fell off a tree and misplaced her hip.

Please excuse Ray Friday from • school. He has very loose vowels.Maryann was absent Dec. 11-16, • because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low-grade fever. There must be the flu going around, her father even got hot last night.Please excuse Blanche from jim • today.Ralph was absent yesterday because • he had a sore trout.Please excuse Sara for being absent. • She was sick and I had her shot.Please excuse Lupe. She is having • problems with her ovals. My son is under a doctor’s care and • shouldn’t take PE today. Please execute him.Amy did not do her homework last • night because we went out to a party and did not get home until late. If she is tired, please let her sleep during recess time. Diane was late on Wednesday. She • fell asleep on the bus and was taken back to the bus yard.

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tidbits - denver metro area - issue #1100

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