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EconomicstraindevastesSammy

JoshTillis’futileactionsareplungingSammyfurtherandfurtherintoheavesofdebt

WhitequailsSoiledDoves

AnallegoryfromMr.RyanMeister

HeyNateStarr!How’slifeinHoustontreatingya??ST:How’syourMPAinternshipNate?NS:Myinternshipisgreat.ImeanI’mlearningalot.Andallmycoworkersaretreatingmeverynice.It’sgreat

ST:Gee,Ican’twaittillmyMPAinternship!NS:(Grab’sSedgwicksfaceandwhispers)Don’tyousaythat,don’tyoueversaythat.Stayhere,stayaslongasyoucan.Yougottocherishit,fortheloveofgodyouhavetocherishit!

HeyNate!

NateStarrmakeshistriumphantreturntotheTribune

TheSammyTribunewillbeseekinginternsfortheSpringof2010

“I’mveryexcitedtomeetthehandsomeeditor‐in‐chiefoftheSammyTribune!” ‐AlexGreenberg

Tillisisagoodfriend,agreatfriend.HellI’dtakeabulletfortheguyinanon‐lethalarea,buthisrecenteconomicpolicyissomethingIcannotstand.

InthepastSammyspendinghasalwaysexceededbudgetintermsofRush.LastyeartheRushcaptainsborrowed$5,000approximatelyfromnextyearsbudget,asthepreviouscaptainsdidtous.JudgingataKeystoneinflationofapproximately$.25percaneachyear,weareborrowingcontinuouslyplungingthefraternityintodebt.Tillis’platformwasmainlyfocusedonsolvingracialdivisionsamongstJewish/Christianmembers,howeverhiseconomicstrategiesareclearlyatthepre‐Cunninghamlevel.

AsmajoroftheprestigiousEconomicprogramhereatTexas,

therearenumerousotherstrategiesinwhichIbelieveSammy’sfinancialcrisiscanbesolved.BysellingoursubprimedebttosuchfraternitiesasKA,SAEandSigEp,wecaninvestandprofitfromastrongerrushbudgetinwhichotherfraternitieswillreceiveayearlydividendof3gueststoAC.Sammythoughwouldstillretainthesamefinancialplatform,butonlyunderthemanagementofabigfourfrat.

Revigoratingoursocialcalendartomorephilanthropicmeanswillimprovethelifequalityofsuchmembers,allowingthemtobemoreopentoduesandassessmentfeesbeingincreased.MixerswithPhiwillberelocatedfromdowntowntolocalretirementhomesandcommunitycenters,allowingforincreased

educationinvariousseniorbeveragesandallowingSammymembershappinesstoincreaseinthedrunkennessandpussysectors.

Afterthe2010‐2011fiscalyearduringTillis’termiffollowingsucheconomicplans,wewillhaveasurpluswhichcanbereinvigoratedtoanewlyreplenishedmealplanincludinglegitimateHeinzKetchupandMustardandHebrewNationalsausagesandFranks.AlsoSammywillbeabletofiscallycontainandreinvestintothedifferentstocks,yieldsanddividendsapparentinDaddy’sretirementandpensionplan.

IthasbeenknownthroughoutSammythroughgenerationsthatneo‐conservativepriorslikeTillishavesomewhatfalteredineconomicpolicy.Howeverifhisactionscontinuealongthesamepath,wewillbelookingtowardsyetanotherZBTbailoutin2010.

“LehmanBrothers’failureisn’tnearlybadasSammy’sbrothers”

WethoughtwehadlearnedfromtheGreatRushDepressionofJohnEpstein’sclass.HoweverunderTillis’hand,Sammyislookingtowardsanotherbuoyantrecession.

ByShaneGrodin

“Adusk,adawn.Forever,toolate”

Fratitude,transgenderness,lovehateandsquandor. ByRyanMeister

PartI:TheAwakeningYoudon'tfeelanythinginstasissleep.Youdon'tdreameither.Evenbasicbodilyfunctionssuddenlyceasetowork.Itisnotuntiloneisbroughtoutintotheblackmorassoflifethatallthoseactionsbegintoreturn.Irememberthemasweawoke,guidingusforwardonsomepredeterminedpath,showingustheproperwaytotravel.MyfirstmemoryisofLieutenantCorporalEpstein,toweringabovealltheothers,laserpulserifleinonehand,hislivingarmorbondeddirectlyontohisskin.AsheglanceddownIrememberfeelingstrangelyawarethatIwasnaked.Ididnotgoinnaked.Thisraisedsomeverytroublingquestions:wheredidmyclothesgo?Itwasofnoconsequencehowever,assufficientcoveringwasprovidedtousbeforeourtrainingcouldproperlybegin.NextcameforthAdvancedTacticalMarineTillis,hissophisticatedarmorobfuscatinghisface.Insteadofeyes,apiercingredlaserboredintomyskull,asamechanicalvoiceproceededbegantogibberincoherently.Hereachedoutaroboticarmthatendednotinproperfingersbutratheramulti‐prongedappendage,inwhichwasclaspedabottleofsomeevillookingliquid.Suddenlythestreamofmechano‐babblewasbrokenandIheardthewords"Drinkthis,"andsoIcomplied.Idonotremembermuchaftertheevent,butIdoremembermycatatonicandatrophiedbodyhadregainedmuchofitslostvigorandvitality.Irememberseeingforthefirsttimeinages,thefacesofmycomrades.Allofuscouldnotwaitforthebondingprocesstobegin,fortheaugmentationofournaturalformsuntilallthatremainedwasafinelyhonedkillingmachine.Soonallthesepathetichumanbodieswouldbelost,replacedwiththoseofstrongsteelandbio‐mechanicalengineering.Yet,onelasttaskmustbeundertakenbeforewewouldreceiveournewperfectforms:thejudgment.AndsowewereleadintothechambersofHighAdjudicatorKobren,asgrotesqueacreatureaswehaveeverseen.Thecreaturewasinfinitesimalinstature,easilysmallenoughtoberegardedasababe.However,unlikeababethis,dareIsay,"person,"wasshoutinganever‐endingriverofgrotesqueness.Heloungedcasuallyuponasortofcouch,yetthecouchseemedtowritheandgaspasthoughitwerebreathing.Onebyoneweapproachedit,anditwouldslowlyriseandthencircleuspurposefully.Afterafewsecondshewouldhaltandscreamanearcurdlingnoiseasthoughheweresufferingsomehorribleagony.ThenwewereshownawaybyLieutenantCorporalEpsteinandAdvancedTacticalMarineTillis.Wewerethentoldtositandwaitasthenextphaseoftheprocesswouldbeginshortly.Aswestood,upapproachedHighGenetiseerMaman,perhapsthemostcuriousofallthosewhoapproachedus.Ratherthanbeingcoveredbyamassivesuitofarmor,hewasinsteadalitheandthinfigure.Asheapproachedwenoticedthathehadanextrasetofelongatedarmssproutingfromhisback,oneofwhichendedinaneedlelikepoint,andtheotherasortofgnarledclaw.Eachofhiseyesweredifferent;neitherwerehuman.Onewasapulsingwhiteorbthatseemedtoboreintoone'sverysoul,whereastheotherwasaninfernalredsphere,smokingfromsomesortofmaliciousinnerheat.Hiswordswerenotsomuchspokenbutinsteadcameoutinanoddlydistortedandelongatedmanner.HighAdjudicatorKobrenslowlyapproachedhim,andbegantowhisperintohisearwhateveritwasthathesawinallofus.HighGenetiseerMamanwouldnodperiodically,andafterthecreaturefinished,hebeckonedusforth.Andsowefollowed.EndofPartI