Volume 11 - Issue #1 - 2020

Uber’s Stock Price and Future in General Collapse

by Anita G. D. Ryde

Social distancing has affected a great many jobs and industries across this great nation, but none more so than drunken logistics titan Uber.

Starting March 2020, bars and restaurants were shuttered and people have taken to get-ting fall-down drunk at home as many days in row as they see fit.

Positive that the closures wouldn’t last, Uber burned through cash waiting for their last great hope at recovery: Mustache Season in Omaha.

No Berkshire Convention? Big deal, Berkies take limos everywhere. No CWS? A blip on the radar at best.

But with no Clean Shave to recoup 1Q losses, no Magnum PI night to build a cash reserve, and no Stache Bash to pay millions in execu-tive bonuses, the future looks bleak for Uber.

When told about the impending collapse, Boss Lady Val Pope threw her hands up in frustra-tion. “JFC! I just got my rating back up above 4 after you idiots puked in all the Ubers I ordered for you last year!” Tough times indeed.

Knowin’ Who’s Growin’

Patrick WymanYears growing = 5Fun fact = Didn’t know a pandemic was happening - been asleep since January until this interview.

Chris ProulxYears growing = 1Fun fact = Owns two chest freezers - one holds weekly bacon rations and the other holds “the emergency stash.”

Zach JohnsonYears growing = 2Fun fact = Been in countless scientific studies due to actually getting hydrated from beer.

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Say you planned poorly and somehow you and your boyfriend/girl-friend have been separated by the Coronavirus for a couple months. Today, you’ve got all kinds of ways to stay together – Facebook, Twitter, TikTok, FaceTime, Myspace(I’m hip),but what if something like this hap-pened in say, 1988. Outside of a phone call (and if it was long distance, you would wait until after 9:00 P.M. so it was cheaper) – you were both screwed and not screwed. There was only one sure fire way to prove your love for someone…the Mix Tape.

Mix Tapes were a brilliant way to express yourself. A Mix Tape pro would take hours and hours to set up the perfect mix. The balance had to be perfect. Not too many slow songs in a row, don’t drop Mega-death between Lionel Richie and more Lionel Ritchie. If you were really bold, you would plug the mic in and drop a quick line, outlining your love. Better be careful though, the wrong song can have devastating consequences. It’s easy to do – Trust me, I’ve been there. I accidentally added a song that was “The Song’ of my GF and her Ex and 2 weeks later, dumped me for him.

So take a trip back in time this quarantine and send off a mix tape. Here are a few considerations to get you started.

Corona – Minutemen: You may not recognize this song name or band. You can look it up, or just take it from me that this is the theme song to ‘Jackass’. While it does mention Corona – it’s just a funny little song.

Head Full of Doubt/Road Full of Promises – The Avett Brothers: Just the thought of ‘Road Full of Promises’ – is so…..promising.

Rock ‘N’ Roll Party in the Streets – Axe: Once we kick this things ***, we need to have a party in the streets like Nobody has ever seen.

Stayin’ Alive – The Bee Gees: That’s what it’s about now – stayin’ alive!

The House is a Rockin’ – Stevie Ray Vaughan: Damn right we’re gonna give this Virus a swirlie and have a old fashion house party!

Alive and Kicking – Simple Minds: Give them a reminder of how you’re holding up.

Tell Me Something Good – Rufus ft. Chaka Kahn. Just give us some good news.

Kiss Off – The Violent Femmes: If only for the first lines. “I need some-one, a person to talk to, someone who’d care to love. Could it be you.”

All You Need is Love – The Beatles: Like Tele Sevalas said…”Who loves ya, baby?”

CLEAN SHAVE RECAP

Rock and ‘Rona, Hoochie Kooby DJ Bart Tech

Total $$$ raised without a single whisker grown - $45,000

# of registered growers - 360

# of new mustache names read aloud - 30

# of guests that tuned in live - 160 Zoom log-ins and 60 FB views

duration of screen time for Shirtless George - 45 glorious seconds......just enough to keep you wanting more.

Milestone Sellecks awarded:

10th Year: Jon Meyers and John Weremy

5th Year - Dustin Johnson, Bern Mendick, and Brian Moore

1st Year - Jaymes Sime, Matt Holmes, Cory Erkes, Chris Proulx, and Brian Coady

Solid work gentlemen. 2020 fundraising efforts are officially a-go! Dream big. Grow bigger. Keep yearnin’ & earnin’ to make that cheddar!

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Welcome to all those M4K newbies and welcome back for all those returning growers! The best time of the year is upon us once again!

I hope you all have been training and preparing for the next four weeks, but if you haven’t, here are a few tips and ideas to get yourself and your ‘stache ready.

Tip#1 Take your pre-workout supplements. M4K ran into a kerfuffle with a former sponsor (rhymes with mudweiser) and will not recommend any particular supplements but there are a lot of great ones out there to take advantage of.

Tip #2: Always do a warm-up. My preferred warm-up is to mow the lawn. Pretty self-explanatory here but the mixture of gasoline, horse-power and sweat really gets the testosterone flowing.

Tip #3 Incorporate lip raises. Made famous by the King of Rock and Roll, alternating lip raises will really help to elevate your mustache’s profile amongst your worthy brethren.

Tip #4 Make sure to do daily razor curls. As they always say razor curls to get the girls. Caution with this one. You do not want to go too far up the face to the philtrum (upper lip for you newbies) with this motion. Make sure you are only hitting the other portions of the face with your razor to protect your splendid ‘stache. This is considered one of the show exercises because it will really help your ‘stache to pop.

As a reminder *** NO JUICING!*** It’s tempting but the M4K board does random testing for HGH and Just For Men. Stay clean and stay classy!

POSTS FROM THE WEEK

Send other posts you think are cute to monitor@m4komaha.com

Pump Up The Stache by Hanz Und Franz