Celebrating Educating Yorkshire - page 3

A new approach to school crossings - page 6

Le Tour comes to Kirkdale - page 4

Together Together Working Working

July/August 2014 July/August 2014

Our new Super Council

Our new Super Council

Kirklees and Calderdale merger set to transform local services

Contents

Working Together - 2

In: Alan

Out: Wine

2 Welcome 3 Media-led regeneration 4 Le Tour comes to Kirkdale 5 Independence for Yorkshire in 2015? 6 New school crossing

patrol safety measures 7 Improving your health and saving you money 8 The great Kirkdale recycling challenge What’s on in Kirkdale The definitive guide to Council-sponsored fun

Working Together

Since 2014

Bradley Moffat

In July we will put such worries aside as we welcome international athletes to the borough. The énorme specticle of the Tour de France sweeping through Kirkdale (page 4).

We will also be working to position Kirkdale as the premier borough within West Yorkshire, as we push for a vote on independence for Yorkshire in 2015 (page 5).

I hope you enjoy the inaugural copy of Working Together. Only by working together we will create a brighter future for all our residents. Cllr Bradley Moffat, The Leader of Kirkdale Council

Welcome It is my great privilege to be leading the merger of two great Yorkshire local authorities & overseeing a period of transformational change in the provision of local services.

Tight public finances will unfortunately mean staffing levels being reduced further. We will have many difficult choices to make which may see reduced services in some cases.

However these impacts will be minimised through the efficiencies gained through adopting a radical new business models.

Council tax payers will be further protected as we embark on an utterly demoralising process of job evaluation and restructure: as natural wastage rises, our predicted redundancy costs will fall.

Kirkdale is Yorkshire’s new super-council bringing together 622,000 residents from the former boroughs of Calderdale and Kirklees.

The new organisation will see over 20,000 full-time equivalent staff working to benefit the local people, economy and environment.

Our annual budget of over £1 billion will enable us to negotiate strong contracts with faceless uncaring, multi-nationals as we accelerate our programme of outsourcing and privatisation.

Kirkdale set to benefit from media-led regeneration

Regeneration

Working Together - 3

Taking Kirkdale to a Global Audience In 2010 the BBC did significant damage to the local economy when it cancelled the comedy ‘Last of the Summer Wine’. Whilst the show still tops the most-repeated lists on British TV, tourism revenue will never reach the dizzy heights of the late 1990’s. However a Council-sponsored deal has seen

South African TV magnate Willem Coetzee, East-West Capital Management Inc., and The Elland

Sanitary Wares Company, give financial backing to the launch of a new satellite channel to be based in the heart

of Kirkdale.

We’re pleased to announce we’ve helped secure the services of TV and gardening legend Alan Titchmarsh MBE, as prime-anchor for the channel. Fresh from a seven-year stint hosting the nation’s favourite afternoon chat show, TV’s very own Mr Yorkshire will commute three days a week from his Hampshire farmhouse, to broadcast live from Halifax’s forthcoming Piece Hall Media Village. Alan’s business acumen in distilling the essence of Yorkshire-ness and exploiting it for personal profit is hugely inspiring. Marketing such

regional clichés to a gullible nation will be the subject of exploratory talks with the Disney

Company this autumn. Watch this space.

Nurturing Home Grown Talent Our young students and their hard-working teachers were taken to the nation’s hearts in 2013 with Channel 4’s Educating Yorkshire. We’re elevating the stars of this show to become official Kirkdale Educational Ambassadors to help us build strong foundations for future economic growth. With Kirkdale support, Musharaf, the undisputed star of the show, is set to launch his own range of headphones set to rival Beats Audio for sound quality and uber street cred. ‘Mushy P Cans’ will hit the shelves in October. Twenty percent of the profits from sales of Mushy’s designer audio accessory will be donated to the Mr Bennet Charitable Foundation. All funds raised will pay for inspirational skinny black trousers and hair gel for all male teachers, throughout Kirkdale and beyond.

Promoting Kirkdale at a regional, national and global level has been

identified by US consultancy ‘Blue-Sky Regeneration’, as critical to sustained

economic growth.

Francis Strong, CEO of ‘BS Regeneration’, unveils a game-changing approach to

ensure Kirkdale becomes Europe’s investment hub of choice

For full details of all the sporting and cultural activities taking place visit:

www.letour.yorkshire.com

Working Together - 4

Sanity Restored: Pot-holes will be re-instated in

cycle lanes from July 7th

Cllr Reg Scribbard

Tour de France

le Tour de Kirkdale

On the 6th July the eyes of the world will be on Kirkdale as the Tour de France passes through our towns, villages and countryside. Hundreds of volunteers have given their time to line the route and assist the with the influx of thousands of visitors expected.

Businesses across the borough are gearing up for a bumper weekend. Hotels and guesthouses have been booked out for weeks, and our farmers will be opening their fields for campers.

Even irate council tax payers, fed up with the road closures, detours and public money invested in this event, have something to look forward to, according to Cllr David Treble, the new Cabinet Member for Interconnectivity. “Whilst cycling may improve general health, reduce stress & obesity, help reduce CO2 emissions, and provide low-cost transport, we need to face facts: cyclists are a major ball-ache for decent, hard-working car drivers”, explained Cllr Treble, “so from 7th July onwards we’ll go back to largely ignoring the needs of these weirdoes .”

The enduring friendship between the French municipality of Besançon and Kirkdale, will celebrated during le Tour. The newly appointed Mayor of Kirkdale, Cllr Reginald Scribbard, will ride in a cycle rickshaw from Hebden Bridge to Huddersfield, driven by pedal-power supplied by players from Halifax Town and Huddersfield Giants.

The challenge will form part of the final year assessment of students from the University of Huddersfield’s Mechanical Engineering course, who have built the specially reinforced rickshaw.

Cllr Scribbard will end his journey on ‘Besançon Bridge’ (over the ring-road), where he will formally welcome ‘le Tour’ competitors as they fly past en-route to Huddersfield town centre. Fittingly he’ll be enthroned upon a grey concrete block, set into municipal cobbles, which features a 100% stainless steel plaque. This fitting monument epitomises the high regard in which we hold our Gallic cousins.

Ainley Top: The location of choice for a Scottish Embassy

Edinburgh

Ainley Top

Working Together - 5

Independence

It is hoped that this will be the first embassy of many, as Yorkshire itself moves closer independence vote of its own in 2015.

Leader Cllr Bradley Moffat extols the virtues of the Kirkdale offer: “Ainley Top has all the facilities a foreign diplomatic service could wish for”, highlights Cllr Moffat, “the Toby Carvery offers a superb four-roast special for just £5.99, and House of Elliot down the road has a full range of dead-posh frocks for the diplomatic wives; and the connections to the M62 just can’t be beaten. It’s not called Ainley Top for nothing”.

Later this year it is expected that Scotland will vote to become an independent state within the European Union. If Scotland says Yes, the pressure for Yorkshire to be granted its own vote on independence in 2015, will become irresistible.

On 21st July, elected members from across Yorkshire will converge on Kirkdale Town Hall in Huddersfield to formalise an offer to a parliament of an independent Scotland: a site for the Scottish Embassy to the UK.

With Kirkdale Council taking the lead on behalf of Yorkshire, plans are already well advanced to compulsorily purchase the Cedar Court Hotel at Ainley Top, and gift it to a new Scottish nation.

Working Together - 6

TM

Targeting Road Danger

TM

Road Safety

This 25-year contract guarantees Kirkdale residents a profit sufficient to pay for any collateral damage, and hanging baskets on every street. This innovative approach ensures that our children are protected, whilst low taxes are defended. With Kirkdale, everyone's a winner!

In a recent survey, you told us that more should be done to protect children on school crossings.

Kirkdale is always Listening2U

You said, we did!

In a ground-breaking deal with the US company Reasonable Force Solutions, we’ve been able to train and equip all our lollipop men and women with a specially adapted version of their best-selling armour-piercing, hand-held rocket launcher.

All cars failing to stop when they see new-look lollipop in the road will be swiftly and professionally turned to toast*.

Tax payers have been protected from the cost of this scheme with a 144 episode deal signed with the new Freeview Channel ‘Urban War and Explosions’. Our school crossing staff will also be required to donate the summer holidays for deployment overseas with a subsidiary of Reasonable Force Solutions. This career development opportunity may see staff serve with Ukrainian government (or opposition), for President Assad (or the Free Syrian Army), or in defence of the Canadian Tar Sand Industry. All contracts will be subject to Best Value procurement processes and size of the executive benefits package.

*Please note that Kirkdale Council will take legal action against your estate to recover the costs of munitions expended, and the clearing up the charred remains of you and your car.

Listening2U

Working Together - 7

eat what

your body

needs, not

what the

advertisers

tell you

drink tap water - it costs only 0.1 pence per litre

The sugar,

tobacco, d

iet &

gym indust

ries feed o

ff us

the UK diet food industry is worth £2 billion

the UK

gym

industry

is worth

£4 billion

1)

2)

3)

Health

Kirkdale We’ve had enough of working 60-hour weeks to keep your bloated bodies and cancer-ridden lungs functioning.

So we’ve bypassed NHS management’s six-tier advert-approval process and forwarded this direct to the printers.

Here’s our mini guide to healthy living: Stop eating so much processed crap, & cook something for once (& don’t fry it)

Stop smoking George Osborne loves getting your ciggie-tax, and that your early death will mean reduced pension payments. Yes it’s hard, but do it for your family, if not yourself. Or do it just to piss Osborne off!

Move about a bit You don’t need to join a gym that cashes-in on your media-created body issues. Try walking for 20 minutes a few times a week. Use a bike sometimes, and smile as you notice at the price of petrol. Just do frickin’ something!

We’ve been hamstrung by politicians, pressured by big pharma, and are currently fighting a rearguard action against the food, drinks and tobacco industries.

Please help stop this madness before the nation sleep-shuffles towards universal obesity.

Working Together - 8

Recycling

What’s on in Kirkdale?

Recycling Ideas

Summer 2014

Working Together Since 2014 With thanks to all Councillors and Officers of Kirkdale Council. Layout & Design: The Clipart Criminals

Independence Day Festival Saturday, 5th July Celebrations in Huddersfield and Halifax town centres will be linked in a Live Aid style media event, hosted by Alan Titchmarsh. Alan will be entertaining the crowds in both towns thanks to Reasonable Force Solutions’ loan of a Blackhawk helicopter. Fun for all the family. www.kirkdale.gov.uk/4thJuly

le Tour de France Sun, 6th July, Across Kirkdale Welcome athletes from around the world as the Tour de France comes to Kirkdale. Events will be happening throughout the borough. Soak-up the cycling-buzz, before squeezing your belly behind the steering wheel and driving home. www.letour.yorkshire.com

Bricklayers Burly-esque Cabaret, Halifax Town Hall Sat, 12th July, 8pm Back by popular demand - your favourite hairy-arsed men strip-off to their Calvin Kleins, tool belts & hard hats. Will you catch the hod-carrier? Protective footwear required. Box Office: 01422 700000

Slaithwaite Muckraking Festival, Canalside Saturday 19th July, 12-8pm Join in with the traditional village fun as the ‘dirty linen’ of the seven most promiscuous residents is aired in public. Village stocks supplied. Bring your own rotten fruit, eggs and prejudices. www.kirkdale.gov.uk/madeupfun

Summer Fun in the Parks Sundays - Across Kirkdale Calling all parents! Bring your little darlings for a fun-filled day of park-based entertainment. Amusements include: toddlers dropping ice creams, scraping dog-poop off your trainers, & non-intimidating groups of never-be gangstas www.kirkdale.gov.uk/parks

Ropey Williams Dewsbury Town Hall Wed 23rd July, 8pm Fresh from his sell-out tour of the Holme Valley, singing sensation Ropey Williams will be bringing his thrilling tribute act to Dewsbury. Will he be bottled off yet again? Box Office: 01924 800000

Sponsored Pub Crawl Mon 25th August, 11am-11pm Join Mayor Reginald Scribbard on this never-attempted feat of downing half pints of ale in all of Kirkdales’ pubs in just 12 hours. All proceeds will go to the Mayor’s Charity Appeal. Help us reach the £282,000 target to fund a new dialysis machine for Kirkdale Royal Hospital, Halifax. www.justgiving.com/bleaugh

Puppy Party ‘Taste of Hanoi’ Pop-Up Restaurant, Piece Hall, Halifax Fri 5th September, 7.30pm Bring along your cute canine friends for an unforgettable night out on the town. Hosted by Britain’s Got Talent sensations Ashley and Pudsey. Bring your own puppy, chopsticks and doggy bag. Counselling not available. www.kirkdale.gov.uk/pestcontrol

Take the Recycling Challenge and help make Kirkdale cleaner & greener

In a no-nonsense traditional Yorkshire approach to the issue of household waste, Kirkdale Council is launching the Recycling Challenge.

Look out for our new-look refuse collection vehicles and hard-hitting poster campaign.

In our next issue we’ll be updating you on whether the campaign has reduced the amount of nappies, dead-pets and chip-fat we’ve found in the green bins.