assertiveness communication

7/28/2019 ASSERTIVENESS Communication

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Program Objectives

Understand the philosophy ofbeing assertive.

Recognize the differences between being

assertive and aggressive throughexploration of personal reactions togiven situations.

Participate in role-playing exercises topractice the tenets of being assertive.

Instill in participants the courage to beassertive -- in the most appropriate and

effective way.


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A Challenge

Please write a One SentenceDefinition of

A S S E R T I V E N E S S.


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Definition of Assertiveness

An honest, direct, and appropriate

expression of one's feelings,

thoughts, and beliefs.


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Test Your Assertiveness (1 of 3)

Can you express negative feelings

about other people and their behaviors

without using abusive language?

Are you able to exercise and express

your strengths?

Can you easily recognize andcompliment other peoples

achievements?


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Do you have the confidence to ask

for what is rightfully yours?

Can you accept criticism without

being defensive?

Do you feel comfortable accepting

compliments?

Are you able to stand up for

your rights?


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Are you able to refuse unreasonable

requests from friends, family, or co-

workers?

Can you comfortably start and carry

on a conversation with others?

Do you ask for assistance whenyou need it ?

A yes response to the questions

indicates an assertive approach.


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Why Assertiveness Is Important?

Effective communication bringsabout the achievement of

individual and/or shared goals.

Assertiveness increases your ability

to reach these goals while

maintaining your rights anddignity.


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The Myths About Assertiveness

Other peoples feelings and rights aremore important than yours.

You are not importantenough to express your

feelings and rights.

You will offend other peopleby being assertive.


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Assertive Rights

You have the right to be assertive.

You have the right to request that otherschange their behavior if they are infringing

on your rights. You have the right to use your own time

to answer questions.

You have the right to express your needseven if they are illogical.

Be aware that there are responsibilitiesattached to all these rights!


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Remember

You do not live in isolation.

Your actions impact everyone.

You are in control of your behavior.

Your response to a situation must be

guided by ascertaining your rights andresponsibilities and following through.


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Whats Keeping You From Being

Assertive? Fear of change.

Refusal to admit their submissiveness.

Fear of ruining relationships if you speak

your mind.

Lack confidence in your ability.


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Have You Ever Felt

guilty about saying no?

that others regard you as a pushover?

that its better to be well liked than wellrespected?

that outbursts of anger are appropriate?

that intimidation is the only way you can

get what you want?


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Sound Familiar?

If any of these things sound likeyou, it means you are probably

exhibiting non-assertive

behavior.

Realize that you are not alone. Non-

assertive behavior is very common

in the workplace.


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A Caution

While assertiveness is a key factorin enhancing quality of work life,

group dynamics, and interpersonal

climate, it is not always appropriate.

Q: How can you tell?

A: Tailor your response

to the situation.


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Wise Words

Ask yourself:1. How important is being assertive in this

particular situation?

2. What will you think of yourself if you arenot assertive now?

3. What are the consequences of assertive

behavior?4. Do the costs of this behavior outweigh the

benefits?


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What Assertiveness Is

Respect for yourself and others.

Honestly expressing yourthoughts, feelings, and beliefs.

Effectively influencing, listening,and negotiating with others.


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What Assertiveness Is Not

It is important to remember thatassertiveness is notaggressiveness or selfishness.

Being assertive does not involvehumiliating or abusing otherpeople and their rights.

Being assertive does not meanviolating the rights of others orgaining at the expense of some

one elses loss.


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Aggressiveness Is

Inappropriately expressing yourthoughts, feelings, and beliefs in a waythat violates other peoples rights.

Achieving your goal by not allowingothers the freedom to choose.

Completely disrespecting otherswhether it be in an active orpassive method.


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Are You Aggressive? (1 of 2)

Do you become abusive, whether itbe verbal or physical, whencriticizing others?

Do you purposely make others feellike they are incompetent orunimportant?

Do you make unreasonabledemands of other people?

A yes answer to any of the questions

may indicate aggressive behavior.


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Are You Aggressive? (2 of 2)

Do you brag or exaggerate yourachievements?

Do you ignore the rights and

feelings of other people? Do you aim to get your way at

all costs?

Do you often dominateconversations with others?


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Acting Unassertiveness Is

Acting in an indirect or passivemanner.

Permitting others to take advantage

of you by violating your rights. Thinking that you and your needs

are inferior to others and theirneeds.


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Are You Unassertive? (1 of 2)

Do you feel guilty standing up foryour fights or expressing yourfeelings?

Are you unable to recognize andacknowledge your strengths?

Are you uncomfortable with startingor carrying on a conversation?

Do you rarely stand up for yourself?


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Are You Unassertive? (2 of 2)

Do you have trouble saying no topeople?

Are you unable to ask other people to

perform reasonable requests for you? Do you feel that you let other people

take advantage of you?

A yes answer to any of the questionsmay indicate unassertive behavior.


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Assertiveness vs. Authority

If you use effective communication

skills, assertiveness and self confidence,most situations may be resolved.

However, using your authority is

legitimate as a secondary option.

Should you pull rank?


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More Words to the Wise

o Dont use these cautionsas an excuse to perpetuate

unassertive behavior.

o More often than not,assertiveness is appropriate

to the situation and you

should not hesitate inapplying it.


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Joan is at a meeting where the topicis the profitability of the project shes

been working on for three months

straight. She has not said a word inthe past hour. Suddenly she jumps

up and accuses the boss of

deliberately canceling the project

based on personal dislike.

What Would You Say?


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The copier has been broken for twodays. Sam asked the secretary to call

in for repairs several times with no

effect. He says nothing and ends upcalling it in himself. After all, he

thinks, shes probably too busy

typing up that memo he gave her this

morning.

What Would You Say?


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Bob is in line at the deli counter waitingto be served. His number is about to be

called next. Suddenly, a woman steps in

front of him and places her order. Bobvociferously complains about the deli

worker and the woman, exclaims he

will never shop there again, tosses his

ticket, and stalks off.

What Would You Say?


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Judys boss asks her to go on animportant business trip which will

carry over into the weekend of her

sisters wedding. Judy feels she cantrefuse her boss and plans on sending

her spouse to the wedding in her

place.

What Would You Say?


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What Would You Say?

George is next in line to buy ticketsin a crowded movie theatre lobby.

Just as his turn comes up, a man cuts

in front of him and requests tickets.George meekly steps back to allow

the man room and hopes he gets

waited on next.


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What Did You Say?

Q: Do you think that thesewere appropriate andeffective ways to

handle the situations?A: The answer is probably

no. Reactions like these

usually cause moreproblems than they solve.


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A Passive Person

Passive people usually:

Speak softly and hesitantly.

Use fillers like uh and um.

Avoid eye contact.

Allow other people in theirpersonal space.


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Should I Use Force?

Passiveness is clearly not conduciveto ascertaining your personal rights,but you dont need to go to the otherextreme to be assertive.

You dont have to be forceful to beassertive.

Soft-spoken people can be assertive

too!There is no one way to be assertivecorrectly, but there are things toavoid.


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An Aggressive Person

Raise their voices when they lose

control.

Shout and use accusatory language like

You should and You must. Stare people down and may invade

other peoples personal space

physically.

Infringes on others rights, using fear andintimidation to get what he or she wants.

Aggressive people often:


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An Assertive Person

Assertive people usually:

Asserts his or her own rights in a positive,open, honest, and self-confident manner.

Speak calmly and confidently.

Notify other people of their feelingswith statements starting with I thinkand I feel.

Maintain eye contact, have goodposture and are poised and in control.


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Several Tips

Be cognizant of your expression.

Do not act hastily or in anger.

Remain calm, cool, courteous &collected.

Avoid making mountains out ofmolehills.

Following these simple suggestions will presentyou as someone who is confident & optimistic --as opposed to someone who is hostile and angry.


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Six Personality Types

Dreamers.

Whiners.

Mutes.

Hamsters.

Invisible Beings.

Pit-bulls.


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Hamsters

Do good work, get respect, BUT getnowhere when it comes to career

advancement. Where do all their

efforts go?

They may be assertivefor the organization they

work for, but fall shortwhen it comes tostanding up forthemselves.


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Invisible Beings

They do good workBUT nobody knows it.

Their unassertivenesslets others take creditfor their achievements

and that leaves themout of the limelight.


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Pit-bulls

Their overly aggressivebehavior gets in the way

of their success at work.

They may be goodworkers, but the

disruption and tensionthey create makes themdisliked and puts them on

the defensive.


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Dreamers

Day-dreamingshows a lack of self control

that keeps them from advancing.

Work that they eventually

turn in is acceptable.This lack of

focus may indicate low self-esteem.


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Whiners

They constantly complainabout exactly what they

dont like, yet expect

others to speak up and

change the situation.

They do nothing to affectthe change themselves, nomatter how much takingdecisive actions would helpremedy their complaints.


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Mutes

They have a problemsaying no and, forthat matter, much ofanything at all.

They take everythingthats given, whetherthey like it or not, andtheir passivity makesthem over-worked andstressed.


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Nine Types Of Assertive Response

Disagree in both a passive and activemanner depending on the situation.

Let other people understand moreabout you let them share yourthoughts and experiences.

Always ask for answers when you

have questions regarding any issueseven when it is with a person ofauthority.


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Be reasonable when you are in adiscussion with others without lettingthem dominate the interaction.

Always look directly into theeyes of the person you aretalking to.

Say no to any requests youare uncomfortable with orfeel is unreasonable.


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Accept compliments graciously withoutfeeling embarrassed or the need todepreciate yourself.

Insist on being treated fairlyand justly never let otherstake advantage of you.

Be friendly and sincere with thepeople you would like to knowbetter; give them a chance to getto know you.


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Are You Assertive at the

Workplace?Then you do your job wellwhile maintaining your rights

and fulfilling yourresponsibilities.

Dont worry if you dont fit intothis category yet Theres stillhope!


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Developing to Your Full

Assertive Potential Inside everyone, theres an

assertive person trying

to get out.

Whats keeping you back?


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Tension at Work


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Relax !

By controllingtension you will

also control thepossibilities ofoutbursts andunnecessary or

unproductiveanger.


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Relaxing Techniques

Remember to keep on breathing!

Inhale, count to 10, exhale, repeat...

Tried and true methods are best


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Heading Tension Off At The Pass

Finding appropriate

ways to deal with:

Conflicts

Grievances


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What To Do When Confronted

With a Problem

Controlling youremotions is the first stepto helping solve, rather

than magnify, thisproblem assertively.

Get a Grip


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With a Problem

Examine the situationcarefully and make sureyou have a handle on all

thefacts. Look to see ifyou are in fact alsocontributing to the

situation.

Reach for Logic


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With a ProblemDont Keep a Lid On It

Procrastination will onlymake it worse. Pent-up

frustrations could lead to

unwanted explosionsthat may be moreproblematic than the

original situation.


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With a ProblemDont Take It So Hard

Remember to keepperspective when things getsticky, and dont take things

personally. It will only

increase your emotionalinvolvement and hamperyour ability to resolve the

situation.


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In Dealing With Conflicts

Deal with the situationimmediately.

Listen carefully.

Sort out the facts from theemotional content.

Avoid being defensive.


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In Dealing With Conflicts

Ask questions.

Compliment the individual/group for

having the courage to bring this toyour attention.

Respond calmly and clearly.

Offer alternatives.


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If You Have A Grievance

Deal with the situationimmediately. Be prepared to listen. Avoid being emotional.

Avoid putting the otherperson on the defensive.

Be prepared and know thefacts.

Remain calm. Have the courage to be

assertive.


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Whos Afraid Of...

The only thingsomeone should

fear is missing

opportunities bycontinuing to

worry and feed

passive attitudes.


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Making the First Move

Overcoming the Fear ofBeing Assertive:

Concentrate.

Remember who youre with

and tailor your discussion.

Be tactful and honest.

Make eye contact.


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Interpersonal Skills at Work

Avoid misunderstandingwhich can lead to frustration.

Being assertive means being

open and direct. Are your requests reasonable?

Are you sure you know whatyou want from other people?

Are your requests easyto understand?


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Keys to More Power!

Increased assertiveness leads toincreased powerful verbal

communication.

The Keys to Communication:

Verbal

Non-verbal

Written


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Verbal Communication

Avoid fillers like uh and umand diminutives like little, onlyand just.

Dont use Im sorry if youre notsincere or if the situation doesnt callfor it.

Always keep in mind your tone andvolume, and how think about howthey may be perceived by others.


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Non-Verbal Communication

Be aware of gestures and bodylanguage.

Make sure to allow for comfortable

personal space between you and theperson youre communicating with.

Always maintain good posture.


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Written Communication

Be concise and clear.

Use the active voice when writing,

and remember to be inclusive and

aware of your audience.

Use specific and simple language.


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Communication is a Goal

Other Aspects of GoodCommunication:

Listening well.

Controlling your emotions.

Letting people know how you feel. Making assertive statements.


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Tips on Listening Well

Paraphrase what the speakerhas said.

Maintain eye contact andverbally encourage the

speaker. Ask informative and

clarifying questions.

Being anActive Listener:


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Controlling Your Emotions (1 of 2)

1. Breathe, relax, and remain

calm.

2. Realize demonstrations ofanger, shouting, and threats

are never appropriate.

3. Use neutral, non-judgmentalstatements.

ll


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Controlling Your Emotions (2 of 2)

4. Consider the other partys

viewpoint and emotions.

5. Dont make accusatorystatements-- blame is usually

a dead-end road.

6. Check yourself before yousay something youll regret

later on.

i


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Four Steps To Saying No (1 of 2)

1. Listen to the request - Make sureyou understand the requestcompletely before coming to ahasty conclusion. Ask questionsif you need any clarification.

2. Say no immediately - You do

not need to justify your decision.If you start doing so, you will beprolonging the conversationunnecessarily.

F S T S i N


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Four Steps To Saying No (2 of 2)

3. Give a reason for your refusal Without giving a reason, you maycome off as uncooperative orhostile. A clear and honest reason

will be sufficient, you do not needto argue with the other party.

4. Offer to find an alternative Letthe other party know that you willtry to help them but you areunable to perform the entire

request.

U I S


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Use I Statements (1 of 4)

Three Parts:

3. Feelings

2. Effect

1. Behavior

U I S


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Use I Statements (2 of 4)

Three Parts:

What it is exactly, that the otherperson has done or is doing.

1. Behavior

U I St t t (3 f 4)


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Use I Statements (3 of 4):

Three Parts:

2. Effect

What it happening because oftheir behavior.

U I St t t (4 f 4)


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Use I Statements (4 of 4):

Three Parts:

3. Feelings

What effect does their behaviorhave on your feelings?

L tti Oth P l K


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Letting Other People KnowHow You Feel

While remaining cooland collected, try to

explain your point ofview.

Use terms like I feel

and I think ratherthan It should be orIt must.


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Describe your wants, needs and

intentions to other people.

Use terms like I want, I

need, and I plan to.

Making Assertive Statements

C i t A ti l / Skill


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Communicate Assertively/ Skills

Empathetic Assertion. Simple Assertion.

Self-Disclosure.

Workable Compromise.

Broken Record. Fogging.

Free Information.

Negative

Assertion.

M Ti


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More Tips

Communicating a request for change toanother person is probably one of thehardest tasks for the newly assertiveperson.

Using the following technique may helpsomeone get through those first tough

spots when it comes to difficultsituations.

R ti Ch F


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Requesting Change FromSomeone Else

1. Describe the situation.

2. Express your feelings on the subject.3. Request a behavior change.

4. State the positive consequences of

changed behavior.

Use this template as your guide when

dealing with sticky situations.

Th C it i f R ti


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The Criteria of RequestingChange

The method you use to request change from

someone else should include the following

six criteria.

o A good chance that the person you arerequesting change from will change.

o You will not be-little otherpeoples self-esteem.

o You will not violate the rights

of others.

Th C it i f R ti


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The Criteria of RequestingChange

o You will not damage your relationshipwith the person you are requesting

change from.

o You will not be defensive.

o You will not lessen the motivation ofthe other person.

D t G t M d


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Dont Get Mad...

Anger mayseem like aquick fix, but itwill get younowhere fast.

Yelling untilyou are blue in

the face willonly comeback to haunt

you later.


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Assertiveness isMore Than

Courage

Assertiveness is Also About


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Assertiveness is Also About

Setting limits.

Expressing your feelings.

No is Not a Dirty Word


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No isNota Dirty Word

If something makes you feel uncomfortableor if you feel the request is unreasonable,

then it is your prerogative to refuse.

Remember: You are not saying no to

the whole person, but only topart of the relationship whichmakes you feel uncomfortable.

No does not require anexplanation.

Dont Go Down the Passive


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Use good communication to

transmit your requests and feelings.

Don t Go Down the Passiveor Aggressive Road

PassiveAssertiveAggressive

First Impressions


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First Impressions

Slouching, avoidingeye contact, andother self-effacingmannerisms canshow a lack of selfconfidence.

This kind of self-presentation canperpetuate a cycle ofnon-assertive behavior.

Keeping Up Appearances


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Keeping Up Appearances

Part of standing up for yourselfis standing up straight!

And remember to look em in the eye!

I T W R d


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Its a Two-Way Road

Also be aware of the physicalresponses of others.

If people areavoiding yourstare or shyingaway, slowdown. You maybe coming ontoo strong.

Taking the First Step


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Taking the First Step

If you dont like the wayyou feel when youbehave a certain way,

know that you have thepower to change it!

Remember, the only

behavior you can controlis your own.

A


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A

journey ofa thousandmiles must

begin witha single

step.Chinese Proverb

Fears Which Block Assertive


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Fears Which Block AssertiveBehavior

1. Fear of making mistakes.

2. Fear of displeasing others.

3. Fear of disapproval.

4. Fear of appearing toomasculine or too feminine.

Fear

Reminder


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Reminder

Assertiveness =

Personal Authority

+ Confidence in Your Skills

+ Sense of Purpose+ Commitment to Goals

Start Out Small


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Start Out SmallMaster what you can manage

comfortably at first, then moveup to greater challenges.

Change is always gradual;its not immediate, but

its not impossibleeither.

You Can Change Your Habits


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You Can Change Your Habits

1. Identify what you want to change aboutyourself.

2. Set a goal.

3. Control your fears and anxieties.

4. Aim for a success that is manageable atfirst.

5. Keep a record to monitor your progress.

6. Practice, practice, practice!

Dont lose sight of your goal, andremember that upkeep is a life-long

commitment.


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Natural abilities are likenatural plants, that need

pruning by study...Francis Bacon

The Plays the Thing


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A good way to enforce what youve

learned is to role-play.

The Play s the Thing

Practice and feedback are essential to

discovering strengths and weaknesses,

as is having a chance to tryout your skills in a

supportive forum.

Tips on Assertiveness


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Here are some communicationskills that will help you convey

an assertive attitude:

Be aware of your facial expression.

Always make eye contact.

Pay attention to what others aresaying and let them know that youare listening.



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Use a pleasant but firm voicewhen communicating.

Be aware of your gestures and howyou hold and present yourself.

Always ask questions when clarificationis needed to avoid misunderstanding.

Look for ways to solve the problem soall parties are satisfied.

Comfort Zone


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Comfort Zone

Comfort level is the degree towhich you feel comfortable withwhat is happening, while takinginto the situation, circumstances

and relationship.

Whenever the comfort levelis exceeded, Speak Up.

Time for the Diagnostic


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Time for the Diagnostic

How do you fare when it comes tobehaving assertively?

Knowing where you are personally

can help gauge how far youvecome and how much fartheryou have to go.

Action Plan


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What are you

going to

take action on?

Start with the

three easiest

items.

Action Plan

Action Steps


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Action Steps

List specific behaviors. Be as systematic as possible.

Rank the behaviors in terms of their

complexity or degree of difficulty. Rank the behaviors in terms of

chronological order.

Begin with the least difficult behavior. Advance to a more difficult behavior.

Break difficult behavior down into

several smaller behaviors.

Action Steps


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Attach time limits to each behavior. Repeat specific behavior until mastered.

Review all previous behaviors.

Advance to next most difficult behavior. Measure and evaluate.

Keep records (preferably visual).

Reinforce through reward and punishment.

Use visual reminders (pictures, charts, etc.).

Action Steps

assertiveness communication

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