Assertiveness in the workplace

David Winter C2, The Careers Group, University of London

In what situations would you like to be more assertive?

Important questions

• What is appropriate assertive behaviour?

• What prevents you from expressing yourself?

• How do you articulate your needs and opinions clearly and coherently?

• Can you reduce unhelpful reactions?

When do you need to be assertive?

• Dealing with unwelcome requests • Giving praise or critical feedback to others • Receiving praise or critical feedback from others • Expressing your opinions or preferences • Disagreeing with others • Asking for things from other people • Expressing your emotional state to others • Stating your needs and claiming your rights

Assertiveness and needs

Your needs Their needs

Assertiveness and needs

Assertiveness and needs

I value my needs I value your needs

ASSERTIVE

Assertiveness and needs

I value my needs I value your needs

ASSERTIVE

I value my needs I don’t value your needs

AGGRESSIVE

Assertiveness and needs

I value my needs I value your needs

ASSERTIVE

I value your needs I don’t value my needs

PASSIVE

I value my needs I don’t value your needs

AGGRESSIVE

Assertiveness and needs

I value my needs I value your needs

ASSERTIVE

I value your needs I don’t value my needs

PASSIVE

I value my needs I don’t value your needs

AGGRESSIVE

I don’t value my needs I don’t value your needs

INDIRECT AGGRESSIVE

Behaviours

• AGGRESSIVE AGNES – demanding, bullying, blaming, controlling, coercing, dominating, belittling

• PASSIVE PERCY – complying, adapting, submitting, conceding, staying silent, hesitating, self-deprecating

• INDIRECT IVY – manipulating, disguising, hinting, wheedling, sulking, resisting, disrupting

• ASSERTIVE AMOS – stating, listening, understanding, explaining, expressing, appreciating

Assertiveness techniques

• Basic assertions (“I” statements) – want , need, think, believe, feel

• Empathic assertions (“I understand, but...”)

• Consequence assertions (“If... then”)

• Repeated assertions (broken record)

• Refusals (not saying “yes”)

What stops you being assertive?

Not saying “yes”

• Not now – explain that you might be able to say “yes” in the future but not now

• Not unless – make clear what conditions would make it possible for you to say “yes”

• Not that, but this – offer an alternative that you can say “yes” to

What stops you being assertive?

How do you feel?

• Angry, outraged, annoyed

• Anxious, apprehensive, afraid

• Powerless, overwhelmed, dismissive

• Suspicious, offended, resentful

• Embarrassed, guilty, self-conscious

Social threats

• Status – position, identity, respect, authority

• Certainty – understanding, predictability, truth

• Autonomy – freedom, choice, control

• Relatedness – belonging, acceptance, inclusion

• Fairness – equity, impartiality, unselfishness

Responses to threat

Avoid

• Disregard – ignore it and hope it disappears

• Defer – put off dealing with it

• Dodge – let someone else deal with it

• Distract – try to focus attention elsewhere

Over-compensate

• Dominate – quash the source of the threat

• Devote – work even harder to please

Unhelpful thought patterns

• Compulsion – should, ought, must

• Barrier – can’t, impossible, hopeless

• Generalisation – always, never

• Exclusion – just, only

• Labelling – unfair, stupid, obstructive, etc. (plus the verb to be)

Re-collect yourself

• Remind yourself of your core values and strengths

• Commit to principles of positive action – I will value myself and others

– I will be aware of my reactions and my choices

– I will focus on solutions and learning

Managing the risk of conflict

• Objective descriptions – You said... You did... (NOT You are... You

were...)

• Own your reactions – I felt... (NOT You made me feel...)

• Questions – Could you help me understand...?

• Affirmation – I can see why...

• Solution focus – How could we move forward?

What are you going to try?

• When and how are you going to do it?

• Why is it important?

• How will you know you have been successful?

• What could prevent you and how will you deal with it?

• Who could help?

• When and how will you review progress?

Resources

• The Assertiveness Workbook – Randy J. Paterson

• Face to Face in the Workplace – Julie Cooper

• Your Brain at Work – David Rock

• Mindfulness –Mark Williams & Danny Penman