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Love in Relationships

CHAPTER 2

“I got within feet of her and I got goofy. I couldn’t talk. She’s sunshine. She sure is. She completes my life like no other woman I’ve met.

– Brad Pitt of his relationship with Gwyneth Paltrow (Before he met Angelina Jolie)

According to the text

51% of undergraduates areEmotionally involved withOne person

Let’s take a poll

DiscussionWhat are some ways we show love?

Ways of Conceptualizing Love

LOVE: is about deep abiding feelingsLUST: is about sexual desireINFATUATION: is about emotional feeling based on little actual exposure to love object

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LudicLove

Juggle partners

Love ‘em and

leave ‘em

“Hook Up”

Manipulative & uncaring

Love Styles

Pragma

Logical

Rational

Economic Security

Love Styles

Patty

Eroslove

Love Styles

rom

ance

Passion

Most common for College Students

Sexual love

Juan

ManiaLove

Love Styles

Posses

sive

Dependent

Out of contr ol

Stalker

Gehring

StorgeLove

Love Styles

Calm

Soothing

Non sexual

Love between persons long married

Agapelove

Love Styles

Love between parent and child

Selfless Love

Giving love

Romantic Love Love at first sight

Infatuation, happy, foolish love

Individuals who fell in love fastHad similar marital happiness asCouples who fell in love gradually.

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Romantic Love?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zmO93kQvtjs

Realistic Love or Conjugal (Married) Love

less emotionalcompanionship calmnesscomfortsecurity

Romantic vs. Realistic love

This photo illustrates • Romantic love (young couple)• Conjugal love(older couple)

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Love Attitude ScalePage 39

On the back write

Do you tend to rule in a relationship with your HEAD or your HEART?Explain Page 67

Personal Choices

Do you make relationship choices with your heart or head?

• 59.6% of 1,319 undergraduates agreed with the statement, “I make decisions more with my heart than my head.

• 12% of those undergraduates reported that they make relationship decisions with their head rather than their heart.

Triangular View of Love by Sternberg 1986

3 basic elements to love:Intimacy, Passion & Commitment.

Nonlove

None of the above

Romantic love

Intimacy & Passion

Conjugal Love

Intimacy & Commitment

Liking

Intimacy only

Fatuous Love

Passion & commitment

Intim

acy

Commitment

Passion

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The Need for Intimacy

Intimacy is experiencing the essence of one’s self in intense intellectual, physical, and/or emotional communion with another human being.

Not in book

Why stay in a relationship

People stay in relationships • Because their needs are being met• They have no other place to go• They have made the investment

Arranged Marriage

40 % of the worlds population arrange marriage (China, India & Indonesia)

The linking of two familiesLove expected to follow95% are the same race.

Love in Medieval Europe

Love in the 1100s was a concept influenced by economic, political, and family structure.Marriages of the sons and daughters of the aristocracy were arranged with the heirs of other states with whom an alliance was sought.

Theories on the Origins of Love

Evolutionary TheoryLove has an evolutionary purpose and creates a bond between parents when their offspring are dependent infants.

Theories on the Origins of Love

Learning TheoryEmphasizes that love feelings develop in response to certain behaviors occurring in certain contexts.

Ex: doing thing for your partner

Holding hands, kissing, texting, buying gifts,

All of these examples can encourage the

development of love.

High & lowSocial Allergy

What are some words of endearment used?

Theories on the Origins of LoveSociological Theory

– love develops in stages, like a wheel

1. rapport: knowing someone, feeling comfortable w/someone

2. self revelation: each partner reveals intimate thought about yourself, partner, the relationship.

3. mutual dependency: partners are happy being together & their happiness depends on the other.

“I’m the happiest when I’m with you!

4. personality need fulfillment: the desire to love and be loved, to trust and be trusted, to support and be supported.

Theories on the Origins of Love

Psychosexual Theory (Freud)Love results from blocked biological sexual desires.

In reverse – once you had sex love dies

Theories on the Origins of Love

Biochemical TheorySuggests that there may be a biochemical basis for love feelings.Oxytocin is a hormone that encourages contractions during childbirth and endears the mother to the suckling infant

Referred to as the ‘cuddle chemical’

Theories on the Origins of LoveAttachment TheoryEmphasizes a primary motivation in life is to be connected with other people.

AND emotional development of infants

Society promotes love through popular music, movies, television, and novels. Probability of being in a relationship is influenced by the cultural ideal of physical appearance.

What are some of today’s standards of beauty for women and men?

Falling in LOVE

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The individual must be physiologically aroused.

Self-esteem and self-disclosure are associated with the development of healthy love relationships.

Falling in LOVE

Benefits of Self-Esteem

1. It allows one to be open and honest about both strengths and weaknesses.

2. It allows one to feel generally equal to others.

3. It allows one to take responsibility for one’s own feelings, ideas, mistakes, and failings.

4. It allows for the acceptance of strengths and weaknesses in one’s self and others.

Benefits of Self-Esteem

5. It allows one to validate one’s self and not to expect the partner to do this.

5. It permits one to feel empathy

5. It allows separateness and interdependence, as opposed to fusion and dependence.

8 dimensions of Self-Disclosure 1. backgrounds and history2. feelings toward the partner3. feelings toward self4. feelings about one’s body5. attitudes toward social issues6. tastes and interests7. money and work8. feelings about friends

Love as a Context for Problems

Destruction of Existing relationshipsSometimes the development of one love relationship is at the expense of another.

Office romanceOlder manFamily disapproval

Simultaneous lovesSome people report being in love with two people at the same time.

Abusive relationshipsSome are in love with someone who is emotionally or physically abusive.

BachelorBachelorette

High hopes it will bet better

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Abusive/Stalking RelationshipA repeated malicious pursuit that

threatens the safety of the victim. It may involve following a victim;

threats of physical harm to the victim, one’s self, or another person; or restricting the behavior of the victim, including kidnapping or home invasion.

Unrequited or Unfulfilling love RelationshipsThe intensity of love may vary between partners.Is it better to be the partner who loves more or less?

Jack Twist in Brokeback Mountain was deeply hurt that his love interest, Ennis Del Mar, would not make time for their covert meetings.

Jealousy Types of Jealousy

An emotional response to a perceived or real threat to an important or valued relationship

• Reactive: coming home late, texting former lover

• Anxious: alleged infidelity – miserable

• Possessive :attack others who is allegedly cheating, or attack the other man /woman

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External Causes of JealousyThe behaviors the partner engages in that are interpreted as:Emotional and/or sexual interest in someone (or something) else.

A lack of emotional and/or sexual interest in the primary partner.

Dancing w/another woman

Talking to a previous partner

Talking about a previous partner

Internal Causes of Jealousy• Mistrust (perceived as cheating)• Low self-esteem (lack self-worth)• Anxiety• Lack of perceived alternatives(will be alone)• Insecurity (length of time)no

commitment from their partner

Desirable consequences of jealousy

Undesirable consequences of jealousy

Signify that partner is cared for

Learn that development of other romantic & sexual relationships is unacceptable

Assess partners commitment

Make individual miserableCause a negative evaluation in the relationship experienceAttacks can cause partner to end relationshipLead to stalking or violence.

Polyamory

A relationship style in which people openly conduct sexual relationships with multiple partners.Polyamory means "many loves," (or one love shared among many people).http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EP_hZBLlTtE&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PK6MUiSmOGU

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