Chapter 9

Personal Relationships

Personal Relationships Three basic characteristics

Frequent interaction over a long period of time

Many different kinds of activities Strong mutual influence

Interdependence Theory Analyzes the exchange and

coordination of outcomes between interdependent partners

Interdependence Theory A reward is anything a person

gains from an interaction Particular or universal, symbolic or

concrete Basic types of rewards:

Love Information Money Goods Status Services

Interdependence Theory A cost is any negative

consequence that occurs in an interaction or relationship Time Energy Conflict Others’ Disapproval Opportunity Cost

Interdependence Theory Outcome = Rewards – Costs We evaluate outcomes with standards

Profitability Comparison level

Based on past experience Comparison level of alternatives

Based on other currently available relationships

Interdependence Theory In relationships, we need to

coordinate outcomes to maximize benefits to both partners Easier to do when partners are similar In case of conflicts of interest,

partners must negotiate a settlement Social norms and social roles help provide

solutions to some coordination problems

Interdependence Theory People are most content when they

perceive their relationships to be fair Rules for Fairness

Equality Rule “To Each According to Need” Equity Rule: profits proportional to inputs

P’s outcome = O’s outcome

P’s contributions O’s contributions

Interdependence Theory Basic Assumptions of Equity theory

Individuals try to maximize their outcomes in a relationship.

Rewards can be maximized by evolving rules or norms about fairness.

Perceived inequity fosters distress. For both the under-benefited and the over-benefited

People who perceive inequity will try to restore equity.

Either actual or perceived equity may be restored.

Interdependence Theory Research on Equity Theory

Concerns with fairness may be highest at the beginning of a relationship, and in a long-term relationship when it encounters stressful changes

Equity is less important to happiness than the absolute level of rewards

Interdependence Theory Exchange Relationships People give benefits

expecting a return of benefits soon after

Strangers & Casual Acquaintances

Clark & Mills (1979)

Communal Relationships People feel responsible

for meeting their partner’s needs

Family, Friends, Romantic Partners

Including other in self means that benefiting partner benefits self too

Self-Disclosure Self-disclosure is a special

type of conversation in which we share intimate information and feelings with another person.

Self-Disclosure Reasons we disclose

Social Approval Relationship Development Self-Expression Self-Clarification Social Control

Self-Disclosure Liking

Self-Disclosure In general, we most like people whose

self-disclosure is reciprocal and gradual. The impact of self-disclosure on liking

depends on the nature of the relationship. E.g., an intimate self-disclosure by one’s roommate

may be received very differently than an intimate self-disclosure by a random stranger in a lecture hall.

Self-Disclosure Self-disclosure also entails risks:

Indifference Rejection Loss of Control Betrayal

Because of the risks of self-disclosure, we sometimes conceal our deepest feelings and keep secrets

Self-Disclosure Self-disclosure varies by culture and by

gender E.g., Japanese are less self-disclosing than

Americans across relationships Women reveal somewhat more than men,

particularly in same-sex relationships in the U.S.

Men may be more revealing in same-sex relationships in cultures that encourage this

Intimacy Intimacy results not just from self-

disclosure, but when self-disclosure evokes a response that makes a person feel understood, validated, and care for.

Gender and Intimacy Men and women do not define

intimacy differently. However, men experience less

intimacy than women in their same-sex interactions (there are no difference in cross-sex interactions) Cultural norms may explain this.

The Balance of Power Social power = a person’s ability

to influence deliberately the behavior, thoughts, or feelings of another. In some relationships, power is

balanced, in others, one person has more power than the other.

The Balance of Power Heterosexual couples in the U.S.:

Equal power 64% Male-dominant 27% Female-dominant 9%

Blumstein & Schwartz, 1983

Equal power can mean shared or “separate but equal” decision-making

Consensus between partners is generally the key to happiness

However, female-dominant relationships are less satisfying

The Balance of Power Three things determine whether

a relationship is equal in power: Social Norms and Attitudes Relative Resources

Especially if the one with greater resources is a man

The Principle of Least Interest The person who is least dependent on the

relationship has the most power (Waller, 1938)

Conflict The process that occurs when the

actions of one person interfere with the actions of another The potential for conflict increases as

interdependence increases

Conflict Three types of problems

specific behaviors norms and roles personal dispositions

Conflict Conflict can help or hurt a relationship,

depending on how it is resolved. On the one hand, it can lead to

defensiveness, withdrawal, even threats and violence.

On the other, it can provide opportunity for clarification of agreements, to discover their depth of feeling for each other, and renew efforts to create a satisfying relationship.

Satisfaction & Commitment Satisfaction = an individual’s subjective

evaluation of the quality of a relationship. Better when: Rewards > Costs Outcome > C.L. Happy couples spend more time in joint

activities, use more humor, engage in more affectionate touching, and in less criticism, hostility, & arguing

Satisfaction & Commitment Commitment = all the forces, positive &

negative, that act to keep a person in a relationship. Increased by

Satisfaction Values & morals Barriers that make it costly to leave Investments

Decreased by C.L. alt (available alternatives)

Satisfaction & Commitment Generally, there is a close relationship

between satisfaction & commitment However, sometimes couples stay

together despite low satisfaction. Why? Higher investments Lack of alternatives Moral commitments Low feelings of personal control

Satisfaction & Commitment Factors that help in understanding

commitment in heterosexual relationships are generally useful in understanding homosexual relationships as well.

The major difference is fewer barriers to breaking up for homosexual relationships.

Satisfaction & Commitment Factors that increase commitment:

Positive Illusions about Relationships Misremembering the Past Forgoing Tempting Alternative

Partners Explaining a Partner’s Behavior in a

charitable fashion Willingness to Sacrifice Accommodation & Forgiveness

Satisfaction & Commitment Reactions to Dissatisfaction:

Voice Loyalty Neglect Exit

Rusbult, 1987