confidentiality narcissistic traits and ground rules ......respect the content others share only...

20/01/2020

www.liberationtherapy.co.uk www.facebook.com/liberationtherapyuk 1

Narcissistic Traits and

Emotional AbuseHelen Villiers MA

Liberation Therapy

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Ground Rules

Please turn off phones where possible

Confidentiality

Respect the content others share

Only share what you feel safe sharing – Trigger warning.

If you need to leave, please alert me, but do not leave the building. I will come and find you when I can.

Fire Safety

Time keeping.

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Welcome. Take a moment…

For those who like it, we will do a brief grounding exercise.

For those who don’t, please use the next slide….!

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Workshop Overview

• A bit of history – how did we get to the understanding we have now?

• What makes a narcissist? - Looking at Narcissistic traits.

• The different presentations of narcissism – Covert, Overt or Something else?

• The different forms of Emotional Abuse. • How the Emotional Abuse plays out interpersonally.• Working therapeutically with the survivor of a

narcissistic relationship.

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Say Hello!

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A little bit of History

Otto Rank, then Freud. Then Kohut and Kernberg (at a similar time)

Kohut – Attachment Disorder/Developmental Arrest

Kernberg – Pathological condition

Kohut – others are extensions of the self and only exist to glorify the narcissist

Kernberg – more internalized, a system to defend a crippled ego

Both agreed on a personality that was grandiose, exploitative and entitled

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Introduced into the DSM 3 in 1980

The different measuring tools were developed.

Overt v Covert narcissism was established/discovered

Developed further into a less binary understanding

All traits serve the same purpose.

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Narcissistic Traits.

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What words spring to mind when you hear the word ‘narcissist’?

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Traits associated with Narcissism

Overt

• Grandiosity• Entitlement• Lack of Self

Awareness• Motivational Empathy• Manipulation• Exploitation• Critical/Devaluing• Arrogance

Covert

• Interpersonal Domination

• Less sensitive to criticism• Externalising behaviours• Need for admiration• Lack of Remorse• Self Inflation• Self Dramatization

• Hidden Grandiosity• Hidden Entitlement• Lack of Self Awareness• Motivational Empathy• Exploitation• Lack of Self Awareness• Hidden need for

admiration• Defensiveness• Hostility

• Critical/Devaluing• Envious• Hypersensitive• Cynical• Introversion• Anxiety• Helplessness• Present as self

confident and secure• Insecure

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The paint pallet idea

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Using the post it notes provided, attribute any of the aforementioned traits to the fictional character.

Identifying Traits

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Coffee Break!

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How do traits affect the interpersonal relationship?

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Grandiosity

• More intrapersonal than interpersonal.• Unrealistic sense of superiority.• Unrealistic expectations.• Present differently depending on how covert or overt the trait is.• Used to regulate self esteem – devaluing others to feel better about themselves.• Perceived attack on the sense of superiority will result in the narcissistic rage. – AKA the

smear campaign.

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Entitlement

• Somewhat interlinked with grandiosity but is interpersonal.

• Belief that their need is more important than anyone else.

• Demand undeserved special treatment, resources and promotions.

• Parents take their children’s money.

• Partners cheat.

• The difference between healthy and unhealthy = cost.

• Supports the self esteem through getting special treatment etc.

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Exploitation

• Intertwined with Entitlement.• Meeting their own needs before anyone else's.• Horror stories

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Empathy

• Common belief that there’s a lack of empathy• Elsa Ronningstam established that there’s motivational empathy• This concept is vital to understand from a therapeutic point of view.

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Self Awareness

• Unable to accept or process criticism• Overt – Deflect and devalue• Covert – hypersensitive and dismissive/externalising• Do they know? • Can be used to facilitate motivational empathy

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Exercise

In your group, come up with an interpersonal description

of the trait on your sheet.

E.g. For Grandiosity, you might suggest that the

person might be described as having the latest phone, talking about the awards

they’ve been given, or their big house. You might talk

about a quiet Mrs Bouquet type who dislikes anyone

who has more than her, and feels quietly superior to

anyone who has less.

None of you have Grandiosity

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Lunch!

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Any Questions?

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Emotional Abuse

What do you think of when you hear the term ‘emotional abuse’?

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So what is Emotional abuse?A huge subject!

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Narcissistic Supply

• With narcissism, emotional abuse is all about the narcissistic supply

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The Cycle of Narcissistic

Abuse

Love Bombing: Idealisation on and epic

scale.

Bread-crumbing: Withdrawal of affection,

with intermittent contact. Leads to trauma

bonding.

Devaluing: Discrediting and gaslighting, usually

in response to a challenge or perceived

threat.

Discard: Total abandonment. Aka

Stonewalling.

Hoovering: Testing whether you will still provide narcissistic

supply.

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Love Bombing, bread-

crumbing & Trauma

Bonding

• First indicator of a narcissist• Intense emotional response• Only works on those ‘at risk’• Creates the ‘trauma bond’.

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Devaluing

• Opposite to Love Bombing• Defence mechanism• Control mechanism• Projects all that is flawed onto the other person• Usually associated with BPD but is a quicker

subconscious behaviour than with narcissism

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Gaslighting

• Used to create confusion and self doubt.• Comes from the play/film ‘gaslight’.• Psychologically crippling• Drip fed over time. • Consists of minimising, denial, deflection,

dismissal.• Not sex specific.

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Gaslighting Phrases

• It didn’t happen that way • You’re imagining things • I was joking.• You’re overreacting • You’re paranoid. • I’m sorry you feel like that, it wasn’t my intention

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Deflection & Projection

• Aligned with gaslighting• Diverts attention away from the original topic• Controls and manipulates scenarios• Defends the narcissists ego.

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Triangulation

• The Flying Monkey• Splitting• Un-boundaried communication• Un-boundaried behaviour• Enablers

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Stonewalling/Discard

• The Silent Treatment• Total Abandonment

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Hoovering

• Flowers• Texts• Anger• Love bombing• All just testing the waters

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The Cycle of Narcissistic

Abuse

Love Bombing: Idealisation on and epic

scale.

Bread-crumbing: Withdrawal of affection,

with intermittent contact. Leads to trauma

bonding.

Devaluing: Discrediting and gaslighting, usually

in response to a challenge or perceived

threat.

Discard: Total abandonment. Aka

Stonewalling.

Hoovering: Testing whether you will still provide narcissistic

supply.

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The Smear Campaign

• When you disengage, you risk the smear campaign• Different for overt and covert• Relies on the drama triangle• No holds barred

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Dealing with the narcissist – The Grey Rock Method

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Coffee Break!

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Therapeutic Considerations

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Client Presentation

Learned Behaviours - 'Fleas'

PTSD.

CPTSD.

Hypervigilance.

Fybromyalgia.

M.E.

Autoimmune Conditions.

Shrinkage of the Hippocampus = Short term memory issues.

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Attachment Relationship

Unconditional Positive Regard

Boundaries

Validation

Acceptance

Reframing

Autonomy

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Self Awareness for effective Bracketing

Know what you’re bringing into the room

What preconceptions?

What prejudices?

Your own relationship trauma?

Your feelings around forgiveness.

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Exercise

Using the paper provided, write down at least one thing to consider in terms of your self awareness with relation to this client group.

This will be confidential and not to be shared unless you would like it to be.

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Understanding Why –Relational Patterns

Exploring the ‘fossilised patterns’

Reframing previous relationships

Timing is Everything

Leads to autonomy

Helps establish and hold boundaries

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Exercise

Client has come to see you about a colleague they are struggling with at work. They talk about the story of the colleague and how frustrating they find their behaviour. You ask which bit they find frustrating? They respond with ‘the unfairness of their behaviour’. You :‘it sounds like injustice is something that you struggle with’.Client: ‘Yes, my brother always got away with murder when we were little, my mother never told him off, don’t get me wrong, she was great, but he was perfect as far as she was concerned, and I couldn’t do anything right ’.

How might you reply?

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Gestalt Techniques

Empty Chair

Embodied emotion

Tons of phenomenology

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ACT & CBT Techniques

Challenging thoughts – how do I know what I know?

Challenging core beliefs

Using value cards

Mindfulness (Active and Passive)

Introducing the shades of grey

Removing ‘shoulds’

Emotional Word Wheel

Psychoeducation

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Value Cards

• Go with your gut

• Nothing is set in stone

• Avoid the ‘shoulds’

• Go quickly, don’t overthink.

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Transference and Counter Transference.

Sit in it.

Repairing the attachment relationship.

It’s vital we be what is needed.

But notice it to them if needed

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Case studies exercise

• In your groups of 4 or 5, have a look at the case study in front of you. Try and identify some examples of traits, or emotional abuse, and suggest what you might thing about offering therapeutically.

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Any final Questions?Please fill out your feedback forms! If anyone would like to talk to me privately, I will be here for 15 minutes packing up. Thank you for coming!

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confidentiality narcissistic traits and ground rules ......respect the content others share only...

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