joining through the truth - psychotherapy · pdf file" reparenting - pull for, arm,...

1

Copyright © 2007 Relational Life Institute - www.terryreal.com 877-REAL-414

JOINING THROUGH THE TRUTH

Psychotherapy Networker Symposium 2013

1 Copyright © 2007 The Relational Life Institute


=

- FORMING AN ALLIANCE THROUGH TRUTH

- YOU’RE ON THEIR SIDE


STANCE + STANCE

=

DANCE

2



The More He X’s the More She Y’s. And…

The More She Y’s the More He X’s.

The more he controls the more she rebels. And…

The more she rebels, the more he controls.


“BAD DEALS”

SCOLDING FATHER / REBELLIOUS DAUGHTER

PATRONIZING BULLY /

HELPLESS VICTIM


“RELATIONAL DEFORMITIES”

INSIGHTS / CATHARSIS NOT ENOUGH VULNERABILITY NOT ENOUGH

PEOPLE DON’T KNOW HOW TO LIVE RELATIONALLY EDUCATION (MENTORING) > BEHAVIORAL CHANGE

TEACH & PRESCRIBE NEW STANCES

3



YOU ARE A FELLOW TRAVELER

- JUDICIOUS SELF-DISCLOSURE

USE OF SELF


-  TWO TYPES OF TRAUMA

- A LEGACY OF FALSE EMPOWERMENT

(SOCIAL LEARNING; IDENTIFICATION)

e.g. When Beaten… Both Forms of Trauma

GRANDIOSITY IS NOT ALWAYS A

DEFENSE AGAINST SHAME


" FUNCTIONAL ADULT

" WOUNDED CHILD

" ADAPTIVE CHILD

4



Adaptive Child / Functional Adult

 Black & White  Perfectionistic  Relentless  Rigid  Harsh  Hard  Certain  Tight in body

 Nuanced  Realistic  Forgiving  Flexible  Warm  Yielding  Humble  Relaxed in body

Adaptive Child Functional Adult


" REPARENTING

- PULL FOR, ARM, REINFORCE FA

- SCAN FOR STRENGTHS

- SKILL TRANSFER

Bring FA Into Relationship with AC



" Form an alliance with the functional adult part of the client, a coalition against his grandiosity.

" Create cleavage between “I” of client and grandiosity.

" The grandiosity is an oppressive visitation.

" “You are a decent person who’s been behaving indecently.

" Help client develop an allergy to his own grandiosity.

5


1 Section One The Three Rings of Patriarchy


The Great Divide

" Human Characteristics

Are Split

Into 2 Halves.

1


2 The Dance of Contempt

" Those On The “Masculine” Side

Hold Those On The “Feminine” Side In

Contempt.

6



3 The Core Collusion

" The Dance Of Contempt Can Never Be Named.

" The “Feminine” Protects The “Masculine”

2 Section Two Relationship Life Therapy™ or RLT


Traditional Therapy Relational Life Therapy™ (RLT)

Primarily concerned with shame issues Tackles both shame and grandiosity

‘Impartial’ Takes sides - Empowers the ‘Latent’

Alliance based Alliance comes after Leverage

Character is structure - difficult to change.

Character is internalized relationships -

dramatically changeable.

Therapist-as-expert Therapist-as-coach and fellow traveler

Heals through nurturing Heals through equipping client to live relationally

Largely non-directive Explicitly educational

7


The Five Elements of Relational Life Therapy™ Materials and Model of Terrence Real, LICSW All materials copyrighted by Relational Life Institute


We Are Designed To Be Relational

" Intimate connectedness is our birthright and optimal state.

" The cure for addiction and emotional problems is intimacy.

1


2 Relational Practice

" Intimacy isn’t something you have, it’s something you do.

" Intimacy is a minute-by-minute practice.

8



" 1st Consciousness: Knee-jerk response (Adaptive Child)

" 2nd Consciousness: Learned response (Functional Adult)

Second Consciousness


THERAPIST AS COACH

" Practices relational living just like you

" Speaks with authority of own journey: n “I was once where you are”

" Not transference-based - no blank screen n “confrontational,” directive, disclosing

" Therapist is “detached from outcome."

3


CHARACTER IS CHANGEABLE

" Relationship feels impossible because of partner’s character n  “S/he just can’t…” n  This “blaming” perception is usually right! But…

" Character = internalized unhealthy relationships

" Character change = increased relationality & relationality can be taught!

" RLT uses relationship as lab for character change

" Character change is: n  Sudden. Deep. Permanent.

4

9



Focus on Grandiosity

" Grandiosity: - Going “one-up,” looking down your nose,

contempt.

- Being above the rules, “entitled.”

" Working with grandiosity is essential to teaching relationality

" Working with grandiosity is essential to helping men

5

Course of Treatment Teaching People to Live Relationally Materials and Model of Terrence Real, LICSW All materials copyrighted by Relational Life Institute


1 GATHER DATA & DIAGNOSE

2 EMPOWER THE LATENT: (Gain Leverage)

3 RECONNECT THE BLATANT: (Contract for Therapy)

4 TEACH NEW VISION AND SKILLS

5 DEAL WITH RESISTANCE / AMPLIFY PROGRESS

6 SET UP CONDITIONS FOR SUSTAINED PRACTICE

Phases of RET

10


Diagnosis Materials and Model of Terrence Real, LICSW All materials copyrighted by Relational Life Institute


Gathering Data:

" Data comes from three sources: n What they SAY. n What they DO. n How you FEEL sitting with them.


PRECONDITIONS

BLATANT/LATENT

RELATIONAL GRID

LOSING STRATEGIES

FAMILY ROLE

THE MORE-THE MORE

Diagnosis: What’s Going On?

11



" Untreated psychiatric disorders.

" Self-medication issues.

" Acting Out – sexual or aggressive.

Diagnosis Preconditions for Intimacy

Diagnosis: Losing Strategies Materials and Model of Terrence Real, LICSW All materials copyrighted by Relational Life Institute


The Five Losing Strategies

1.   Being Right

2.   Controlling Your Partner

3.  Unbridled Self-Expression

4.   Retaliation

5.  Withdrawal

12


Diagnosis: Three Family Roles Materials and Model of Terrence Real, LICSW All materials copyrighted by Relational Life Institute


THE GOOD ONE

ACHEIVER (The Family Pride)

BUDDY / SURROGATE SPOUSE

PARENT’S PARENT (Comfort, Confident, Caretaker)

PEACEMAKER (Family Therapist / Jokester)

OVERTLY EMPOWERED / COVERTLY SHAMED

Family Role: HERO


THE BAD ONE

THE PROBLEM (The Family Worry)

REBELIOUS (Battles w/ Parents)

SICK (Needs special treatment)

OVERTLY SHAMED / COVERTLY EMPOWERED

Family Role: SCAPEGOAT

13



IRRELEVANT

INDEPENDENT (“He’s fine.”)

BYSTANDER (Neither Compliant Nor Defiant)

ABANDONED (Doesn’t Need Or Doesn’t Deserve Care)

SHAMED (Overtly Or Covertly)

Family Role: LOST CHILD

Diagnosis: Blatants and Latents Materials and Model of Terrence Real, LICSW All materials copyrighted by Relational Life Institute


Not All Problems Are 50/50

1.   Blatant more egregious

2.   Blatant behavior = Grandiose behavior

3.   Latent akin to an enabler

4.   Latent is reactive / Blatant characterological

WE TAKE SIDES!!

14


Diagnosis: THE RELATIONAL GRID Materials and Model of Terrence Real, LICSW All materials copyrighted by Relational Life Institute

SELF-ESTEEM


Self-esteem – Grandiosity and Toxic Shame

One Up - Grandiosity

One Down – Toxic Shame

HEALTH

The Core Energy in Both is Contempt

15



Full-Respect Living

Step Off the contempt "" " "conveyor belt."

Live non-violently."


VIDEO:

SKILL TRANSFER

Boundaries

16



Psychological Boundary (Internal Boundary)

" Your internal boundary is to your psyche like your skin is to your body; It’s a protective layer

" There are two parts: •  Protective: Protects you from the world •  Containing: Protects the world from you


Boundaryless to Walled off

Walled off

Boundaryless

HEALTH

Connected – not Protected Protected – not Connected

Protected and Connected


RELATIONSHIP GRID

Grandiosity

Shame

Boundaryless (love

dependent)

Walled Off (love

avoidant)

Adapted from The New Rules of Marriage by Terry Real

Boundaryless and one up

Boundaryless and one down Walled off and one down

Walled off and one up

17



RELATIONSHIP GRID

Passive-aggression Indifference “You’re not worthy”

Control Anger

Desperation Manipulation

Resignation Withdrawal Depressed


Grandiosity

Shame

Boundaryless (love

dependent)

Walled Off (love

avoidant)




Health


RELATIONSHIP GRID

MEANESS / ENTITLEMENT VIOLENCE

DESPERATION DEPRESSION


Grandiosity

Shame

Boundaryless (love

dependent)

Walled Off (love

avoidant)




Health

Working With Grandiosity: Empowering the Latent Reconnecting the Blatant

18



Grandiosity versus Shame

" Grandiosity feels good.

" Grandiosity impairs judgment.

" Little internal motivation to change.

1


Shame-filled people have pain. Grandiose people have troubles.

They’re not in pain.

The people around them are in pain.


2 Not Alliance - Leverage!

" “Goodwill” is a weak basis for treatment.

" Leverage means: n You have something the client wants. n You stand between the client and

negative consequences.

19



3 Bring the System in!

" R. E. work is not transference-based, but coaching.

" Partner’s give you the data you need.

" Partner’s give you the leverage you need.


Latents and Blatants — amplify negative consequences. When a woman is in trouble — my first move is most often to empower the woman. When a man is in trouble — my first move is most often to empower the woman.


4 Join Through the Truth

" Grandiosity impairs: n  Sensitivity to impact of one’s behavior. n Assessment of negative consequences. n The therapist supplies these deficiencies.

" Therapist must be neither one-up or one-down himself.

" You are a fellow traveler.

20



" Form an alliance with the functional adult part of the client, a coalition against his grandiosity.

" Create cleavage between “I” of client and grandiosity.

" The grandiosity is an oppressive visitation.

" “You are a decent person who’s been behaving indecently.

" Help client develop an allergy to his own grandiosity.


" Help the client see what he’s doing. n  Always use specific data:

1.  From report 2.  From behaviors in the room 3.  From your own reactions

n  Use partner as corroborator.


" DO I GET AWAY WITH IT BECAUSE I’M A MAN?

21



" Six Ways to Ameliorate Shame n  Separate the Decent Person Out n  Use Parts Language n  Use Multigenerational Backdrop n  Use Humor n  Normalize n  Self-Disclose


" The most important thing here is you.

" You must be centered to do this work.

" RLT is a therapeutic form of self-esteem in action.

" RLT is full-respect therapy.


Move Into Family Of Origin

" Identify “relational deformity,” then:

" Who did you see do this?

" Who did it to you?

" Who did you do it to and no one stopped you?

22



Understand Empathic Reversal

" Trauma > Hyper-empathy to perpetrator

Hypo-empathy to self

" YOU are the voice of the Functional Adult: n Reverse the reversal. n  Supply empathy to the child. n Counter minimization / protectiveness n  SUSTAIN your position n AMPLIFY affect


Relational Practice Heals

Real Healing Comes When WE

Take Care Of Our Inner Children

Rather Than Foisting Them Off

On Our Partners To Deal With.

3 Section Three: Appendix

Relational Practice in

Our Lives

23



1 The Nature of Relationships

An endless dance of harmony, disharmony, and repair


2 The Crunch

Most of us do not push through

the crunch to find a solution

because we stop trying!


The Five Losing Strategies

1.   Being Right

2.   Controlling Your Partner

3.  Unbridled Self-Expression

4.   Retaliation

5.  Withdrawal

24



Being Right

" Trying to “resolve” differences by eradicating them.

" Finding out whose view is most “valid” or “accurate.”

" Fuels the psychological violence of self-righteous indignation.

1


2 Controlling Your Partner

" Can be direct or indirect (manipulation).

" Control is an illusion.

" Payback is inevitable.


3 Unbridled Self-Expression

" “Authentic sharing” always furthers closeness.

" Rarely engenders generosity in others.

25



4 Retaliation

" Perverse justice: “Offending from the victim position.”

" Perverse communication: “I’ll make you feel what I feel.”

" Can be explicit or covert (passive aggression).


5 Withdrawal

" Either resignation or retaliation.

" Always entails resentment.


The Five Winning Strategies

1.  Go After What You Want

2.   Complain Constructively

3.   Respond Generously

4.   Empower Your Partner

5.   Cherish What You Have

26



Go After What You Want

" Identify What You Want.

" Get Your Partner’s Attention.

" Break it Down.

1


2 Complain Constructively

Remember Love!


" Tell Your Truth:

" Your Story of: n What Happened n What it Meant n Your Feelings n Your Hopes

27



Stay Humble.

Stay on Your Side of the Line.


3 Listen to Understand

" The Bitter Pill:

Listener Role And Speaker Role are different roles.


You are at the

Customer Service Window.

28



Relationship Ju-jitsu

ACKNOWLEDGE whatever you can.

GIVE as much as you can.

What will this cost me?


4 The Compass:

What Do You Need From Me To

Give Me What I Want?

Empower Your Partner


RELATIONAL EMPOWERMENT Is beyond selfishness or altruism A practical technique & a spiritual

practice: What Does Life Need From Me?

29



5 Cherish What You Have

" Cherish Your Progress.

" Cherish Your Relationship.

" Cherish Your Own Success.

" Cherish Our World.

joining through the truth - psychotherapy · pdf file" reparenting - pull for, arm,...

Documents