opel gazette - gdekalb co

December 5, 2018 Your success. . . . . is our business! Volume 13, Issue 13

“T“THEHE HHOTTESTOTTEST LLITTLEITTLE PPaaPERPER IINN TTOWNOWN!”!”

FREEtAKE oNE

Distributed 1st & 3rd Wednesday of each month by OPG Dekalb, Inc. PO Box 33, Cortland, IL 60112For advertising rates go to www.opgdekalb.com Contact Tim at [email protected] or 815-501-0705

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The Note Pad With four daughters and one son

always dashing to school activitiesand part-time jobs, our schedule washectic. To add to this, we kept run-ning out of household supplies. I in-structed them all to let me knowwhen they used the last of any item by writing itdown on a note pad on the refrigerator. As a re-minder, I wrote at the top: "IF WE ARE OUT OFIT, WRITE IT DOWN."

When I checked the pad a few days later, to mydelight I found the following message: "MOM,YOU MAY BE A BIT OLD-FASHIONED, BUTYOU ARE NOT 'OUT OF IT.'"

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Oil Change instructions for Women:1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches3000 miles since the last oil change.2) Drink a cup of coffee3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with aproperly maintained vehicle.Money spent: Oil Change: $40.00, Coffee: $3.00; Total: $43.00

Oil Change instructions for Men:1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store andbuy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner anda scented tree, write a check for $50.00.2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of energy drink, writea check for $20, drive home.3) Open a drink and drink it.4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jackstands.5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.7) Place drain pan under engine.8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.9) Give up and use crescent wrench.10) Unscrew drain plug.11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oilon you in process. (WOW that’s hot.)

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12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off offace and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screw-driver through oil filter and twist off.16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filtersplashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide oldoil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environ-mental penalties. Drink an energy drink.17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thincoat of oil to gasket surface.18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.19) Remember drain plug from step 11.20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.21) Drink more energy drink.22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on thefloor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill.Drink more.24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipeeyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip withstupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bangknuckles on frame removing any excess skin betweenknuckles and frame.25) Begin hissy fit.26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hitbowling trophy.28) Drink.29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.30) Drink.31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.32) Another drink.33) Lower car from jack stands.34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to freshoil spilled during any missed steps.35) Another drink.36) Test drive car.37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving like a crazedlunatic.38) Car gets impounded.39) Call loving wife, make bail.40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:Parts: $50.00DUI: $2500.00Impound fee: $175.00Bail: $1500.00Drinks: $20.00Total: $4,245.00 ...But you know the job was done right!

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oranGe PeeL GaZeTTe - DeKalb County editionConnecting Customers and Businesses. . .That’s what we Do Best!

The Owl and the Cow An elementary school teacher, it is said, received

this report from one of her young students: The bird I am going to write about is the Owl. The Owl cannot see at all by day and at night is as

blind as a bat. I do not know much about the Owl, so I will go on

to the beast which I have chosen to write about. It isthe Cow.

The Cow is a mammal. It has six sides: right, left,upper, and below. At the back it has a tail on whichhangs a brush. With this it sends the flies away so theydo not fall into the milk.

The head is for the purpose of growing horns andalso so there will be someplace for the mouth to go.The horns are to butt with, and the mouth is to moowith.

Underneath the Cow hangs the milk. It is arrangedfor milking. When people milk, the milk comes, and itnever runs out. How the Cow does this I do not know,but it is true.

The Cow has an excellent sense of smell. It can besmelled from far away. This is the reason why there islots of fresh air in the country.

The Man Cow is called the Ox. The Ox is not amammal.

The Cow does not eat much, but what it eats it eatstwice, so it will get enough to eat. When a Cow ishungry, it moos. When it is quiet, it is because its in-side is all filled up with grass.

The Cow usually sleeps all night, so it never seesthe Owl. I haven't seen one, either. But I have seen aCow.

Penny Scales A husband stepped on one of those penny scales

that tell you your fortune and weight and dropped in acoin.

"Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her asmall, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, re-sourceful and a great person."

"Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weightwrong, too."

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12/12 Kishwaukee Concert Band Holiday PerformanceBoutell Memorial Concert Hall 7pm. Free Admission

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12/13 Christmas Celebration with Santa and Sandy Haynes11:30 a.m. Special lunch with partner Voluntary Action Cen-ter at FVCC 1406 Suydam Rd, Sandwich, Suggested dona-tion $6

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Saturday, December 8th

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oranGe PeeL GaZeTTe - DeKalb County edition“The hoTTesT LiTTLe PaPer in Town”

Non-Renewable Resource The congregation of a small stone church decided

that the stone which formed the step up to the frontdoor had become too worn by its years of use, andwould have to be replaced. Unfortunately, there werehardly any funds available for the replacement. Thensomeone came up with the bright idea that the replace-ment could be postponed for many years by simplyturning the block of stone over.

They discovered that their great-grandparents hadbeaten them to it.

No Talking After my husband and I had a huge argument, we

ended up not talking to each other for days. Finally, on the third day, he asked where one of his

shirts was. "Oh," I said, "So now you're speaking to me." He looked confused. "What are you talking about?" "Haven't you noticed I haven't spoken to you for

three days?" I challenged. "No," he said, "I just thought we were getting

along."

Do you want to give back to you community? DekalbClub 55 Needle-workers invite you to join them for fun,fellowship, community projects and needle working. Allof their efforts go to support local schools, We CarePregnancy Center, and area nursing homes.

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Three Factors to Consider When Making Charitable Gifts

The holiday season is here, which means gift-giv-ing is probably on your mind. In addition to mak-ing gifts to your family and friends, you also maybe interested in contributing to charitable organi-zations. But before you donate financial assets,such as stocks, you will need to consider severalfactors, including taxes, your portfolio balanceand the reputation of the charity. Let’s look atthese areas:

Taxes – Your donations to qualified charities(those that are considered 501(c)(3) organizationsby the Internal Revenue Service) can give you taxdeductions – if you itemize deductions on your taxreturn. However, due to recent tax law changes,the standard deduction for 2018 has almost dou-bled, to $24,000 for married couples, and to$12,000 for single filers. As a result, you may beless likely to itemize deductions, so you couldhave less incentive, at least for tax reasons, tomake charitable gifts. However, if you give appre-ciated stocks, you may be allowed a charitable de-duction for the full fair market value of the gift onthe date of the transfer, even if your original costwas only a fraction of today’s value. Plus, you

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may not be subject to the capital gains tax youmight have to pay if you eventually sold thestocks.

Also, depending on your age, you might be able touse your traditional IRA as a charitable-fundingvehicle. Once you turn 70-1/2, you generally mustbegin taking withdrawals – called required mini-mum distributions or RMDs – from your tradi-tional IRA. (Roth IRAs are not subject to RMDsduring your lifetime.) These RMDs from your tra-ditional IRA are taxable, but you may be able toexclude up to $100,000 of RMDs per year fromyour taxable income if you transfer the funds di-rectly to qualified charitable organizations.

In any case, consult with your tax advisor beforedonating appreciated assets to a charity.

Portfolio balance – When you donate financial as-sets to a charity, you are also taking them awayfrom your portfolio. This could be an issue, espe-cially if you repeatedly donate the same types ofassets. For example, if you’re donating somegrowth-oriented stocks, will you lower the overallgrowth potential of your portfolio?

You may want to consult with a financial profes-sional to ensure your charitable gifts will stillallow you to maintain a portfolio balance appro-priate for your goals and risk tolerance.

Reputation of the charity – You may want to dosome homework to make sure you are giving to areputable charity. Many experts on charitable giv-ing say that a worthwhile charity should spend atleast 75 percent of its income on programs, ratherthan administrative costs. You may be able to findthis type of information on a charitable group’sannual report and its website. You can also browsethe web for the names of agencies that evaluatecharitable groups.

By considering the aspects of charitable givingdescribed above, you can get more satisfactionfrom your generosity – because you’ll know thatyour gift not only supports a good cause, but alsofits well into your overall financial picture.

This article was written by Edward Jones for useby your local Edward Jones Financial Advisor.

MKT-5894I-A

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Come Visit Downtown Dekalb!

Pain This guy goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I ache

all over. Everywhere I touch it hurts." The doctor says, "OK. Touch your elbow." The guy touches his elbow and winces in genuine

pain. The doctor, surprised, says "Touch your head." The guy touches his head and jumps in agony. The

doctor asks him to touch his knee and the same thinghappens. Everywhere the guy touches he hurts likeheck. The doctor is stumped and orders a completeexamination with X-rays, etc. and tells the guy tocome back in two days.

Two days later the guy comes back and the doctorsays "We've found your problem."

"Oh yeah? What is it?" "You've broken your finger!"

PermissionAn Amish man answered a knock on his door one

morning. An electric company worker handed him apiece of paper stating that the electric company hadpermission to run a power line through his pasture.

The Amish man said, "No, you can not.""Legally, that paper says we can." replied the

worker.As he turned and left returning to his co-workers

in the field, the Amish man went to his barn andturned his bull into the pasture.

As the bull rumbled toward the workers in thefield, the Amish man hollered, "Show him yourpaper!"

Passwords for Kids My kids love going to the Web, and they keep

track of their passwords by writing them on Post-itnotes. I noticed their Disney password was "Mick-eyMinnieGoofyPluto," and so I asked why it was solong. "Because,"my son explained, "they say it has tohave at least four characters."

CommonymsA Commonym is a group of three words or

phrases that share a common trait. For example: car - tree - elephant

They all have trunks!

1. help - yesterday - revolution

2. moth - meat - medicine

3. Kennedy - Julius Caesar - Lennon

4. orchestras - ears - brakes

5. cliff - springboard - platform

6. radio - brain - tidal

7. shag - red - magic

8. snow - corn - dandruff

9. tennis - small claims - supreme

10. surprise - search - slumber

Answers on page 15 20

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Heavy-HandedMel and his girlfriend Julie were walking down

Main Street one evening. They stopped at a jewelrystore window. Julie said, "Mel, I'd love those diamondearrings." He said, "No problem," took a brick out ofhis pocket, smashed the window and got the earringsfor her.

They hurried off and soon came upon another jew-elry store. In the window, there was a gorgeous dia-mond ring, and Julie said, "Mel, oh please, please,please, get me that ring." He looked around, saw noone nearby, took out a brick and hurled it at the win-dow. She smiled and put the ring on.

They soon came to yet another jewelry store whichhad a fantastic diamond necklace in the window. Shestarted begging, "Mel, Mel, just look at it. I need it!"

He looks at her and said "Whaddaya think, I'mmade out of bricks?"

The New HunterIt was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter,

woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season.He walked down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee,and to his surprise he found his wife, Alice, sittingthere, fully dressed in camouflage.

Jake asked her, "What are you up to?"Alice smiled. "I'm going hunting with you!"Jake, though he had many reservations about this,

reluctantly agreed to take her along. After they arrivedat the hunting site, Jake set his wife safely up in thetree stand and told her, "If you see a deer, take carefulaim and I'll come running back as soon as I hear theshot."

Jake walked away with a smile on his face know-ing that Alice couldn't hit an elephant, much less adeer. Not 10 minutes passed when he was startled ashe heard several gunshots.

Quickly, Jake ran back. As Jake got closer to herstand, he heard Alice screaming: "Get away from mydeer!"

Confused, Jake raced faster towards his screamingwife. And again he heard her yell: "Get away from mydeer!" followed by another volley of gunfire!

Now within sight of where he had left his wife,Jake was surprised to see a cowboy, with his handshigh in the air. The cowboy, obviously distraught,said, "Okay, lady, okay!!!! You can have your deer!!!Just let me get my saddle off it!"

Expensive"How long will it take to pull my tooth?" The pa-

tient asked the dentist."Only two seconds""How much will it cost?""Fifty dollars.""For only two seconds of work?""Well," The dentist answered coolly, "I can pull it

very slowly if you prefer."

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The RulesA man known for his shady business tactics

was giving advice to his son, who had just gradu-ated from college.

"There are two rules to keep in mind through-out your business career," the man said. The firstis: When you give your word, always keep it."

"Yes, Dad," the young man said. "And what'sthe second rule?"

"Never give your word."

The ShoplifterA shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to

steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store."Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you don't

want any trouble either. What do you say I justbuy the watch and we forget about this?"

The manager agreed and wrote up the salesslip. The crook looked at the slip and said, "This isa little more than I intended to spend. Can youshow me something less expensive?"

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HostagesA group of terrorists burst into the ballroom at the

Marriot Marquis where the American Bar Associationis holding its Annual Convention.

More than 500 lawyers are taken as hostages.After demanding a television camera, the terrorist

leader announces that, until their demands are met,they will release one lawyer every hour.

Life InsuranceA life insurance agent was speaking with a would-

be client.After a long presentation of the risks of not buying

the policy, the man was still hesitant -- and a littleupset. "I feel that you're trying to frighten me into ahasty decision."

"Oh, no, I would never do such a thing!" the agentassured him.

"I'll tell you what," the agent continued. "sleep onit tonight. If you wake up in the morning, give me acall then and let me know your decision."

More Signs That You're a Net Geek- Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse

sends email.- You're amazed to find out spam is a food.- When filling out your driver's license application

you give your IP address.- You no longer ask prospective dates what their

sign is, instead your line is "Hi, what's your URL?"- You "ping" people to see if they're awake, "finger"

them to find out how they are, and "AYT" them tomake sure they're listening to you.

- You search the Net endlessly hoping to win everysilly free T-shirt contest.

- You introduce your wife as "[email protected]" and refer to your children as "clientapplications".

- At social functions you introduce your husband as"my domain server."

WorriedLittle Johnny's mother was becoming worried. She

hadn't seen her neighbor, Mrs. Goldbaum in days.Fearing the old widow may have had an accident,

she decided to send Johnny next door to check up onher.

"Johnny, would you go next door and see how oldMrs. Goldbaum is?"

"Sure Mom" he said running out the door.A few minutes later, Johnny returned."Well," asked Johnny's mom, "is she all right?""She's fine, except that she's mad at you.""At me?" the woman exclaimed. "Whatever for?""She said its none of your business how old she

is."

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A Model in PainThe doctor was examining a young blonde model

who was having terrible pain in her abdomen."My dear, you have acute appendicitis," the doc-

tor said.The woman became quite angry and said, "Don't

try hitting on me doctor, I just want to be examined,not complimented."

The CureA man goes into a drug store and asks the pharma-

cist if he can give him something for the hiccups.The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps theman's face.

"What did you do that for?" the man asks."Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore do

you?"The man says, "No, but my wife out in the car

still does!"

Leaving HomeMr. Jones patted his daughter's hand fondly and

told her, "Your young man told me today he wantedyou as his bride, and I gave my consent."

Oh, Papa," gushed the daughter, "it's going to beso hard leaving mother."

"I understand perfectly, my dear," said Mr. Jones."I know -- why don't you just take her with you?"

(Information gathered herein is from sources considered reliable.Accuracy however cannot be guaranteed. All humorous storiesand jokes appearing here are intended for entertainment purposes only and are not meant to disrespect or harm any groupor individuals. Ads appearing in this paper are not to be considered as an endorsement or validation by Orange PeelGazette for products or services offered.)

Commonym Answers: 1. Beatles songs 2. balls 3. all were assassinated4. they have drums 5. dives 6. waves7. carpets 8. flakes 9. courts 10. parties


Take Your MedicineA doctor told Mrs. Stone to give her husband one

pill and one drink of whiskey a day to improve hisstamina.

A month later, when Mrs. Stone came in for an-other visit, the doctor asked, "How are we doing withthe pill and the whiskey?"

Mrs. Stone answered, "Well, he's a little behindwith the pills, but he's about six months ahead withthe whiskey."

Some of Life's Little Truths•Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they aresticking to their diet.•One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box ofcandy can make you gain five pounds.•I finally got my head together and my body fellapart.•The real art of conversation is not only to say theright thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaidthe wrong thing at the tempting moment.•Brain cells come and go but fat cells live forever.•Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.•Just when I was getting used to yesterday, alongcame today.•If at first you don't succeed, see if the loser gets any-thing.•You don't stop laughing because you grow old; yougrow old because you stop laughing.•I had to give up jogging for my health. My thighskept rubbing together and setting my pants on fire.•Amazing! You just hang something in your closet fora while and it shrinks two sizes.•It is bad to suppress laughter. It goes back down andspreads to your hips.•Age is important only if you're cheese and wine.•Freedom of the press: No-iron clothes.•Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to getout, but they can usually be sedated with a few piecesof chocolate cake.

Opee Gazette says: Let’s Play!Who Wants To Be A Zillionaire?

$632,000 Question...In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowedto do this?A) vote B) readC) answer the phone D) speak $633,000 Question...In every episode of "Seinfeld" there was always thisdisplayed somewhere?A) a Tourist B) a SupermanC) a Cabbie D) a Pizza shop$634,000 Question...In most advertisements, including newspapers, thetime displayed on a watch is usually...?A) 10:10 B) 9:30C) Noon D) 3:00$635,000 Question...In the great fire of London in 1666 half of Londonwas burnt down and this many people were injured?A) 0 B) 6C) 250 D) 1400$636,000 Question...In Tokyo, they sell toupees for these?A) lobsters B) circus workersC) dogs D) babies $637,000 Question...It takes a lobster approximately this many years togrow to be one pound?A) one B) twoC) four D) seven$638,000 Question...It's against the law to catch fish with these in thestate of Kansas?A) fly rods B) hunting dogsC) bare hands D) nets

(Answers below - See you next issue)

Answers: $632 - D $633 - B; $634 - A; $635 - B; $636 - C; $637 - D; $638 - C.

THE “I NEVER

KNEW THAT” QUIZ #16


Password Security Guidelines For immediate issue:Password Security Guidelines V2.2b

Due to new security policies, the followingguidelines have been issued to assist in choosingnew passwords. Please follow them closely.

Passwords must conform to at least 21 of thefollowing attributes.1. Minimum length 8 characters2. Not in any dictionary.3. No word or phrase bearing any connection to

the holder.4. Containing no characters in the ASCII charac-

ter set.5. No characters typeable on a Sun type 5 key-

board6. No subset of one character or more must have

appeared on Usenet news, rand(3), or the KingJames bible (version 0.1 alpha)7. Must be quantum theoretically secure, i.e.

must automatically change if observed (to protectagainst net sniffing).8. Binary representation must not contain any of

the sequences 00 01 10 11, commonly knownabout in hacker circles.9. Be provably different from all other passwords

on the Internet.10. Not be representable in any human language

or written script.11. Color passwords must use a minimum 32 bit

palette.12. Changed prior to every use.13. Resistant to revelation under threat of physi-

cal violence.14. Contain tissue samples of at least 3 vital or-

gans.15. Incontrovertible by OJ Simpson's lawyers.16. Undecodeable by virtue of application of 0-

way hash function.17. Odorless, silent, invisible, tasteless, weight-

less, shapeless, lacking form and inert.18. Contain non-linear random S-boxes (without

a backdoor).19. Self-escrow able to enable authorities to cap-

ture kiddie-porn people and baddies but not thegoodies ("but we'll only decode it with a courtorder, honest").

20. Not decrypt able by exhaustive application ofpossible one-time pads.

Due to the severity of the restrictions, if thepassword is entered incorrectly 3 times at logintime, you will be asked if you would like to pick anew one.

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