Pygmalion

By

GeorgeBernardShaw

PREFACETOPYGMALION.

AProfessorofPhonetics.

As will be seen later on, Pygmalion needs, not a preface, but a sequel,whichIhavesuppliedinitsdueplace.TheEnglishhavenorespectfortheirlanguage, and will not teach their children to speak it. They spell it soabominablythatnomancanteachhimselfwhatitsoundslike.ItisimpossibleforanEnglishmantoopenhismouthwithoutmakingsomeotherEnglishmanhateordespisehim.GermanandSpanishareaccessibletoforeigners:EnglishisnotaccessibleeventoEnglishmen.ThereformerEnglandneedstodayisanenergeticphoneticenthusiast:thatiswhyIhavemadesuchaonetheheroofapopularplay.Therehavebeenheroesofthatkindcryinginthewildernessformanyyearspast.WhenIbecameinterestedinthesubjecttowardstheendoftheeighteen-seventies,MelvilleBellwasdead;butAlexanderJ.Elliswasstilla livingpatriarch,withan impressiveheadalwayscoveredbyavelvet skullcap, for which he would apologize to public meetings in a very courtlymanner.HeandTitoPagliardini,anotherphoneticveteran,weremenwhomitwas impossible to dislike. Henry Sweet, then a young man, lacked theirsweetnessofcharacter:hewasaboutasconciliatory toconventionalmortalsasIbsenorSamuelButler.Hisgreatabilityasaphonetician(hewas,Ithink,the best of them all at his job) would have entitled him to high officialrecognition, and perhaps enabled him to popularize his subject, but for hisSatanic contempt for all academic dignitaries and persons in general whothoughtmoreofGreekthanofphonetics.Once,inthedayswhentheImperialInstituteroseinSouthKensington,andJosephChamberlainwasboomingtheEmpire, I induced the editor of a leadingmonthly review to commission anarticlefromSweetontheimperialimportanceofhissubject.Whenitarrived,itcontainednothingbutasavagelyderisiveattackonaprofessoroflanguageandliteraturewhosechairSweetregardedaspropertoaphoneticexpertonly.The article, being libelous, had to be returned as impossible; and I had torenouncemydreamofdraggingitsauthorintothelimelight.WhenImethimafterwards,forthefirsttimeformanyyears,Ifoundtomyastonishmentthathe, who had been a quite tolerably presentable young man, had actuallymanagedbysheerscorntoalterhispersonalappearanceuntilhehadbecomeasortofwalkingrepudiationofOxfordandallitstraditions.Itmusthavebeenlargely in his own despite that he was squeezed into something called aReadershipofphoneticsthere.Thefutureofphoneticsrestsprobablywithhispupils,whoall sworebyhim;butnothingcouldbring themanhimself intoanysortofcompliancewiththeuniversity,towhichheneverthelessclungbydivine right inan intenselyOxonianway. Idaresayhispapers, ifhehas left

any,includesomesatiresthatmaybepublishedwithouttoodestructiveresultsfiftyyearshence.Hewas,Ibelieve,not intheleastanill-naturedman:verymuchtheopposite,Ishouldsay;buthewouldnotsufferfoolsgladly.

Those who knew himwill recognize inmy third act the allusion to thepatent Shorthand in which he used to write postcards, and which may beacquiredfromafourandsix-pennymanualpublishedbytheClarendonPress.ThepostcardswhichMrs.HigginsdescribesaresuchasIhavereceivedfromSweet. Iwould decipher a soundwhich a cockneywould represent by zerr,andaFrenchmanbyseu,andthenwritedemandingwithsomeheatwhatonearthitmeant.Sweet,withboundlesscontemptformystupidity,wouldreplythat itnotonlymeantbutobviouslywas thewordResult, asnootherWordcontainingthatsound,andcapableofmakingsensewiththecontext,existedinanylanguagespokenonearth.ThatlessexpertmortalsshouldrequirefullerindicationswasbeyondSweet'spatience.Therefore,thoughthewholepointofhis "Current Shorthand" is that it can express every sound in the languageperfectly, vowels aswell as consonants, and that your hand has tomake nostrokeexcepttheeasyandcurrentoneswithwhichyouwritem,n,andu,l,p,andq,scribblingthematwhateveranglecomeseasiesttoyou,hisunfortunatedeterminationtomakethisremarkableandquitelegiblescriptservealsoasaShorthand reduced it in his own practice to the most inscrutable ofcryptograms.His trueobjectivewas theprovisionofa full, accurate, legiblescript forournoblebut ill-dressed language;buthewas ledpast thatbyhiscontempt for the popular Pitman system of Shorthand, which he called thePitfallsystem.ThetriumphofPitmanwasatriumphofbusinessorganization:therewasaweeklypaper topersuadeyouto learnPitman: therewerecheaptextbooksandexercisebooksandtranscriptsofspeechesforyoutocopy,andschools where experienced teachers coached you up to the necessaryproficiency.Sweetcouldnotorganizehismarketinthatfashion.Hemightaswell have been the Sybil who tore up the leaves of prophecy that nobodywould attend to.The four and six-pennymanual,mostly inhis lithographedhandwriting, that was never vulgarly advertized, may perhaps some day betakenupbyasyndicateandpusheduponthepublicasTheTimespushedtheEncyclopaediaBritannica; but until then itwill certainly not prevail againstPitman.Ihaveboughtthreecopiesofitduringmylifetime;andIaminformedbythepublishersthatitscloisteredexistenceisstillasteadyandhealthyone.Iactuallylearnedthesystemtwoseveraltimes;andyettheshorthandinwhichIamwritingtheselinesisPitman's.Andthereasonis,thatmysecretarycannottranscribe Sweet, having been perforce taught in the schools of Pitman.Therefore, Sweet railed at Pitman as vainly as Thersites railed at Ajax: hisraillery,howeveritmayhaveeasedhissoul,gavenopopularvoguetoCurrentShorthand. Pygmalion Higgins is not a portrait of Sweet, to whom theadventureofElizaDoolittlewouldhavebeenimpossible;still,aswillbeseen,

there are touches of Sweet in the play. With Higgins's physique andtemperament Sweet might have set the Thames on fire. As it was, heimpressed himself professionally on Europe to an extent that made hiscomparativepersonalobscurity,andthefailureofOxfordtodojusticetohiseminence,apuzzletoforeignspecialistsinhissubject.IdonotblameOxford,because I thinkOxford is quite right in demanding a certain social amenityfromitsnurslings(heavenknowsitisnotexorbitantinitsrequirements!);foralthough I well know how hard it is for a man of genius with a seriouslyunderratedsubject tomaintainsereneandkindlyrelationswiththemenwhounderrateit,andwhokeepallthebestplacesforlessimportantsubjectswhichthey profess without originality and sometimes without much capacity forthem,still, ifheoverwhelms themwithwrathanddisdain,hecannotexpectthemtoheaphonorsonhim.

OfthelatergenerationsofphoneticiansIknowlittle.Amongthemtowersthe Poet Laureate, to whom perhaps Higgins may owe his Miltonicsympathies, thoughhereagainImustdisclaimallportraiture.Butif theplaymakes the public aware that there are such people as phoneticians, and thattheyareamongthemostimportantpeopleinEnglandatpresent,itwillserveitsturn.

Iwish toboast thatPygmalionhasbeenanextremelysuccessfulplayallover Europe and North America as well as at home. It is so intensely anddeliberately didactic, and its subject is esteemed so dry, that I delight inthrowing it at the heads of thewiseacreswho repeat the parrot cry that artshouldneverbedidactic.Itgoestoprovemycontentionthatartshouldneverbeanythingelse.

Finally,andfortheencouragementofpeopletroubledwithaccentsthatcutthem off from all high employment, Imay add that the changewrought byProfessorHigginsintheflowergirlisneitherimpossiblenoruncommon.Themodernconcierge'sdaughterwhofulfilsherambitionbyplayingtheQueenofSpain inRuyBlasat theTheatreFrancais isonlyoneofmany thousandsofmenandwomenwhohave sloughedoff their nativedialects and acquired anewtongue.Butthethinghastobedonescientifically,orthelaststateoftheaspirantmay beworse than the first. An honest and natural slum dialect ismore tolerable than the attempt of a phonetically untaught person to imitatethevulgardialectof thegolfclub;and Iamsorry to say that in spiteof theeffortsofourAcademyofDramaticArt,thereisstilltoomuchshamgolfingEnglishonourstage,andtoolittleofthenobleEnglishofForbesRobertson.

ACTI

CoventGardenat11.15p.m.Torrentsofheavysummerrain.Cabwhistlesblowing frantically in all directions. Pedestrians running for shelter into themarket and under the portico of St. Paul's Church, where there are alreadyseveral people, among thema lady andherdaughter in eveningdress.Theyareallpeeringoutgloomilyattherain,exceptonemanwithhisbackturnedtothe rest, who seems wholly preoccupied with a notebook in which he iswritingbusily.

Thechurchclockstrikesthefirstquarter.

THEDAUGHTER [in the spacebetween the central pillars, close to theoneonherleft]I'mgettingchilledtothebone.WhatcanFreddybedoingallthistime?He'sbeengonetwentyminutes.

THEMOTHER[onherdaughter'sright]Notsolong.Butheoughttohavegotusacabbythis.

ABYSTANDER[on the lady's right]Hewon'tgetnocabnotuntilhalf-pasteleven,missus,whentheycomebackafterdroppingtheirtheatrefares.

THEMOTHER.Butwemusthaveacab.Wecan't standhereuntilhalf-pasteleven.It'stoobad.

THEBYSTANDER.Well,itain'tmyfault,missus.

THEDAUGHTER. IfFreddyhad a bit of gumption, hewouldhavegotoneatthetheatredoor.

THEMOTHER.Whatcouldhehavedone,poorboy?

THEDAUGHTER.Otherpeoplegotcabs.Whycouldn'the?

Freddy rushes in out of the rain from the Southampton Street side, andcomes between them closing a dripping umbrella. He is a young man oftwenty,ineveningdress,verywetaroundtheankles.

THEDAUGHTER.Well,haven'tyougotacab?

FREDDY.There'snotonetobehadforloveormoney.

THEMOTHER.Oh,Freddy,theremustbeone.Youcan'thavetried.

THEDAUGHTER.It'stootiresome.Doyouexpectustogoandgetoneourselves?

FREDDY.I tellyouthey'reallengaged.Therainwassosudden:nobodywasprepared;andeverybodyhadtotakeacab.I'vebeentoCharingCrossonewayandnearlytoLudgateCircustheother;andtheywereallengaged.

THEMOTHER.DidyoutryTrafalgarSquare?

FREDDY.Therewasn'toneatTrafalgarSquare.

THEDAUGHTER.Didyoutry?

FREDDY. I tried as far asCharingCrossStation.Did you expectme towalktoHammersmith?

THEDAUGHTER.Youhaven'ttriedatall.

THEMOTHER.Youreallyareveryhelpless,Freddy.Goagain;anddon'tcomebackuntilyouhavefoundacab.

FREDDY.Ishallsimplygetsoakedfornothing.

THEDAUGHTER.Andwhataboutus?Arewe tostayhereallnight inthisdraught,withnexttonothingon.Youselfishpig—

FREDDY.Oh,verywell:I'llgo,I'llgo.[HeopenshisumbrellaanddashesoffStrandwards,butcomesintocollisionwithaflowergirl,whoishurryinginforshelter,knockingherbasketoutofherhands.Ablindingflashoflightning,followedinstantlybyarattlingpealofthunder,orchestratestheincident]

THEFLOWERGIRL.Nahthen,Freddy:lookwh'y'gowin,deah.

FREDDY.Sorry[herushesoff].

THEFLOWERGIRL[pickingupherscatteredflowersandreplacingthemin the basket]There'smenners f' yer!Te-oo banches o voylets trod into themad.[Shesitsdownon theplinthof thecolumn,sortingherflowers,on thelady's right. She is not at all an attractive person. She is perhaps eighteen,perhaps twenty,hardlyolder.Shewearsa littlesailorhatofblackstrawthathaslongbeenexposedtothedustandsootofLondonandhasseldomifeverbeenbrushed.Herhairneedswashingratherbadly:itsmousycolorcanhardlybenatural.Shewearsashoddyblackcoatthatreachesnearlytoherkneesandisshapedtoherwaist.Shehasabrownskirtwithacoarseapron.Herbootsaremuchtheworseforwear.Sheisnodoubtascleanasshecanaffordtobe;but compared to the ladies she is verydirty.Her features arenoworse thantheirs;but their condition leaves something tobedesired; and sheneeds theservicesofadentist].

THEMOTHER.Howdoyouknowthatmyson'snameisFreddy,pray?

THEFLOWERGIRL.Ow,eezye-ooasan,ise?Wal,fewddany'de-ootybawmzamathershould,eednowbetterntospawlaporegel'sflahrznthanranawy atbaht pyin. Will ye-oo py me f'them? [Here, with apologies, thisdesperateattempttorepresentherdialectwithoutaphoneticalphabetmustbeabandonedasunintelligibleoutsideLondon.]

THEDAUGHTER.Donothingofthesort,mother.Theidea!

THEMOTHER.Pleaseallowme,Clara.Haveyouanypennies?

THEDAUGHTER.No.I'venothingsmallerthansixpence.

THEFLOWERGIRL[hopefully]Icangiveyouchangeforatanner,kindlady.

THEMOTHER[toClara]Giveittome.[Clarapartsreluctantly].Now[tothegirl]Thisisforyourflowers.

THEFLOWERGIRL.Thankyoukindly,lady.

THEDAUGHTER.Makehergiveyouthechange.Thesethingsareonlyapennyabunch.

THEMOTHER.Doholdyour tongue,Clara.[Tothegirl].Youcankeepthechange.

THEFLOWERGIRL.Oh,thankyou,lady.

THE MOTHER. Now tell me how you know that young gentleman'sname.

THEFLOWERGIRL.Ididn't.

THEMOTHER.Iheardyoucallhimbyit.Don'ttrytodeceiveme.

THEFLOWERGIRL [protesting]Who's trying to deceive you? I calledhim Freddy or Charlie same as youmight yourself if youwas talking to astrangerandwishedtobepleasant.[Shesitsdownbesideherbasket].

THE DAUGHTER. Sixpence thrown away! Really, mamma, you mighthavesparedFreddythat.[Sheretreatsindisgustbehindthepillar].

Anelderlygentlemanoftheamiablemilitarytyperushesintoshelter,andclosesadrippingumbrella.HeisinthesameplightasFreddy,verywetabouttheankles.Heisineveningdress,withalightovercoat.Hetakestheplaceleftvacantbythedaughter'sretirement.

THEGENTLEMAN.Phew!

THE MOTHER [to the gentleman] Oh, sir, is there any sign of itsstopping?

THEGENTLEMAN.I'mafraidnot. Itstartedworse thaneverabout twominutesago.[Hegoestotheplinthbesidetheflowergirl;putsuphisfootonit;andstoopstoturndownhistrouserends].

THEMOTHER.Oh,dear![Sheretiressadlyandjoinsherdaughter].

THE FLOWER GIRL [taking advantage of the military gentleman'sproximitytoestablishfriendlyrelationswithhim].Ifit'sworseit'sasignit's

nearlyover.Socheerup,Captain;andbuyafloweroffapoorgirl.

THEGENTLEMAN.I'msorry,Ihaven'tanychange.

THEFLOWERGIRL.Icangiveyouchange,Captain,

THEGENTLEMEN.Forasovereign?I'venothingless.

THEFLOWERGIRL.Garn!Ohdobuya floweroffme,Captain. I canchangehalf-a-crown.Takethisfortuppence.

THE GENTLEMAN. Now don't be troublesome: there's a good girl.[Tryinghispockets]Ireallyhaven'tanychange—Stop:here'sthreehapence,ifthat'sanyusetoyou[heretreatstotheotherpillar].

THE FLOWERGIRL [disappointed, but thinking three halfpence betterthannothing]Thankyou,sir.

THEBYSTANDER[tothegirl]Youbecareful:givehimaflowerforit.There's a bloke here behind taking down every blessedword you're saying.[Allturntothemanwhoistakingnotes].

THEFLOWERGIRL[springingup terrified] I ain'tdonenothingwrongbyspeakingtothegentleman.I'vearighttosellflowersifIkeepoffthekerb.[Hysterically]I'marespectablegirl:sohelpme,Ineverspoketohimexcepttoaskhimtobuyafloweroffme.[Generalhubbub,mostlysympathetictotheflower girl, but deprecating her excessive sensibility. Cries of Don't starthollerin.Who'shurtingyou?Nobody'sgoingtotouchyou.What'sthegoodoffussing? Steady on. Easy, easy, etc., come from the elderly staid spectators,whopathercomfortingly.Lesspatientonesbidhershutherhead,oraskherroughly what is wrong with her. A remoter group, not knowing what thematter is, crowd inand increase thenoisewithquestionandanswer:What'stherow?Whatshedo?Whereishe?Atectakingherdown.What!him?Yes:himoverthere:Tookmoneyoffthegentleman,etc.Theflowergirl,distraughtandmobbed, breaks through them to the gentleman, cryingmildly]Oh, sir,don't lethimchargeme.Youdunnowhat itmeans tome.They'll takeawaymycharacteranddrivemeonthestreetsforspeakingtogentlemen.They—

THENOTETAKER[comingforwardonherright,therestcrowdingafterhim]There,there,there,there!Who'shurtingyou,yousillygirl?Whatdoyoutakemefor?

THE BYSTANDER. It's all right: he's a gentleman: look at his boots.[Explainingtothenotetaker]Shethoughtyouwasacopper'snark,sir.

THENOTETAKER[withquickinterest]What'sacopper'snark?

THEBYSTANDER[ineptatdefinition] It'sa—well, it'sacopper'snark,asyoumightsay.Whatelsewouldyoucallit?Asortofinformer.

THEFLOWERGIRL[stillhysterical]ItakemyBibleoathIneversaidaword—

THENOTETAKER [overbearing but good-humored]Oh, shut up, shutup.DoIlooklikeapoliceman?

THEFLOWERGIRL[farfromreassured]Thenwhatdidyoutakedownmywords for?Howdo I knowwhether you tookme down right?You justshowmewhat you'vewrote aboutme. [The note taker opens his book andholdsitsteadilyunderhernose,thoughthepressureofthemobtryingtoreadit over his shoulders would upset a weaker man]. What's that? That ain'tproperwriting.Ican'treadthat.

THE NOTE TAKER. I can. [Reads, reproducing her pronunciationexactly]"Cheerap,Keptin;n'hawyaflahrorfaporegel."

THEFLOWERGIRL[muchdistressed]It'sbecauseIcalledhimCaptain.Imeantnoharm.[Tothegentleman]Oh,sir,don't lethimlayachargeagenmeforawordlikethat.You—

THE GENTLEMAN. Charge! I make no charge. [To the note taker]Really, sir, if you are a detective, you need not begin protectingme againstmolestationbyyoungwomenuntilIaskyou.Anybodycouldseethatthegirlmeantnoharm.

THE BYSTANDERS GENERALLY [demonstrating against policeespionage]Course they could.Whatbusiness is it ofyours?Youmindyourownaffairs.Hewantspromotion,hedoes.Takingdownpeople'swords!Girlneversaidawordtohim.Whatharmifshedid?Nicethingagirlcan'tshelterfromthe rainwithoutbeing insulted,etc.,etc.,etc. [She isconductedby themore sympathetic demonstrators back to her plinth, where she resumes herseatandstruggleswithheremotion].

THEBYSTANDER.Heain'tatec.He'sabloomingbusybody:that'swhatheis.Itellyou,lookathisboots.

THE NOTE TAKER [turning on him genially] And how are all yourpeopledownatSelsey?

THEBYSTANDER [suspiciously]Who told youmy people come fromSelsey?

THENOTETAKER.Neveryoumind.Theydid.[Tothegirl]Howdoyoucometobeupsofareast?YouwereborninLissonGrove.

THE FLOWERGIRL [appalled] Oh, what harm is there in my leavingLissonGrove?Itwasn'tfitforapigtolivein;andIhadtopayfour-and-sixaweek.[Intears]Oh,boo—hoo—oo—

THENOTETAKER.Livewhereyoulike;butstopthatnoise.

THEGENTLEMAN [to the girl] Come, come! he can't touch you: youhavearighttolivewhereyouplease.

ASARCASTICBYSTANDER [thrustinghimselfbetween thenote takerand the gentleman] Park Lane, for instance. I'd like to go into theHousingQuestionwithyou,Iwould.

THE FLOWER GIRL [subsiding into a brooding melancholy over herbasket,andtalkingverylow-spiritedlytoherself]I'magoodgirl,Iam.

THE SARCASTIC BYSTANDER [not attending to her] Do you knowwhereIcomefrom?

THENOTETAKER[promptly]Hoxton.

Titterings.Popularinterestinthenotetaker'sperformanceincreases.

THESARCASTICONE[amazed]Well,whosaid Ididn't?Blyme!Youknoweverything,youdo.

THE FLOWERGIRL [still nursing her sense of injury]Ain't no call tomeddlewithme,heain't.

THEBYSTANDER [to her]Of course he ain't. Don't you stand it fromhim. [To thenote taker]Seehere:whatcallhaveyou toknowaboutpeoplewhatneverofferedtomeddlewithyou?Where'syourwarrant?

SEVERAL BYSTANDERS [encouraged by this seeming point of law]Yes:where'syourwarrant?

THEFLOWERGIRL.Lethimsaywhathelikes.Idon'twanttohavenotruckwithhim.

THEBYSTANDER.Youtakeusfordirtunderyourfeet,don'tyou?Catchyoutakinglibertieswithagentleman!

THESARCASTICBYSTANDER.Yes: tellHIMwherehecomefromifyouwanttogofortune-telling.

THENOTETAKER.Cheltenham,Harrow,Cambridge,andIndia.

THE GENTLEMAN. Quite right. [Great laughter. Reaction in the notetaker's favor.ExclamationsofHeknows all about it.Toldhimproper.Hearhimtellthetoffwherehecomefrom?etc.].MayIask,sir,doyoudothisforyourlivingatamusichall?

THENOTETAKER.I'vethoughtofthat.PerhapsIshallsomeday.

Therainhasstopped;andthepersonsontheoutsideofthecrowdbegintodropoff.

THEFLOWERGIRL[resentingthereaction]He'snogentleman,heain't,tointerferewithapoorgirl.

THEDAUGHTER [out of patience, pushingherway rudely to the frontand displacing the gentleman, who politely retires to the other side of thepillar]WhatonearthisFreddydoing?IshallgetpneumoniaifIstayinthisdraughtanylonger.

THE NOTE TAKER [to himself, hastily making a note of herpronunciationof"monia"]Earlscourt.

THE DAUGHTER [violently] Will you please keep your impertinentremarkstoyourself?

THENOTETAKER.DidIsaythatoutloud?Ididn'tmeanto.Ibegyourpardon.Yourmother'sEpsom,unmistakeably.

THEMOTHER[advancingbetweenherdaughterandthenotetaker]Howverycurious!IwasbroughtupinLargeladyPark,nearEpsom.

THE NOTE TAKER [uproariously amused] Ha! ha! What a devil of aname!Excuseme.[Tothedaughter]Youwantacab,doyou?

THEDAUGHTER.Don'tdarespeaktome.

THEMOTHER. Oh, please, please Clara. [Her daughter repudiates herwithanangry shrugand retireshaughtily.]Weshouldbe sograteful toyou,sir,ifyoufoundusacab.[Thenotetakerproducesawhistle].Oh,thankyou.[Shejoinsherdaughter].Thenotetakerblowsapiercingblast.

THESARCASTICBYSTANDER.There!Iknowedhewasaplain-clothescopper.

THEBYSTANDER.Thatain'tapolicewhistle:that'sasportingwhistle.

THEFLOWERGIRL[stillpreoccupiedwithherwoundedfeelings]He'sno right to take awaymy character.My character is the same tome as anylady's.

THENOTETAKER.Idon'tknowwhetheryou'venoticedit;buttherainstoppedabouttwominutesago.

THE BYSTANDER. So it has. Why didn't you say so before? and uslosingourtimelisteningtoyoursilliness.[HewalksofftowardstheStrand].

THESARCASTICBYSTANDER. I can tellwhereyoucome from.YoucomefromAnwell.Gobackthere.

THENOTETAKER[helpfully]Hanwell.

THE SARCASTICBYSTANDER [affecting great distinction of speech]

Thenkyou,teacher.Hawhaw!Solong[hetoucheshishatwithmockrespectandstrollsoff].

THEFLOWERGIRL.Frighteningpeoplelikethat!Howwouldhelikeithimself.

THEMOTHER. It's quite finenow,Clara.Wecanwalk to amotor bus.Come. [She gathers her skirts above her ankles and hurries off towards theStrand].

THEDAUGHTER.Butthecab—[hermotherisoutofhearing].Oh,howtiresome![Shefollowsangrily].

Alltheresthavegoneexceptthenotetaker,thegentleman,andtheflowergirl,whositsarrangingherbasket,andstillpityingherselfinmurmurs.

THEFLOWERGIRL.Poorgirl!Hardenoughforhertolivewithoutbeingworritedandchivied.

THEGENTLEMAN[returningtohisformerplaceonthenotetaker'sleft]Howdoyoudoit,ifImayask?

THENOTETAKER.Simplyphonetics.Thescienceofspeech.That'smyprofession;alsomyhobby.Happy is themanwhocanmakea livingbyhishobby!YoucanspotanIrishmanoraYorkshiremanbyhisbrogue.Icanplaceany man within six miles. I can place him within two miles in London.Sometimeswithintwostreets.

THEFLOWERGIRL.Oughttobeashamedofhimself,unmanlycoward!

THEGENTLEMAN.Butistherealivinginthat?

THENOTETAKER.Ohyes.Quitea fatone.This isanageofupstarts.MenbegininKentishTownwith80poundsayear,andendinParkLanewitha hundred thousand. They want to drop Kentish Town; but they givethemselvesawayeverytimetheyopentheirmouths.NowIcanteachthem—

THEFLOWERGIRL.Let himmindhis ownbusiness and leave a poorgirl—

THE NOTE TAKER [explosively] Woman: cease this detestableboohooinginstantly;orelseseektheshelterofsomeotherplaceofworship.

THEFLOWERGIRL[withfeebledefiance]I'vearighttobehereifIlike,sameasyou.

THENOTETAKER.Awomanwhoutterssuchdepressinganddisgustingsoundshasnorighttobeanywhere—norighttolive.Rememberthatyouareahuman beingwith a soul and the divine gift of articulate speech: that yournativelanguageisthelanguageofShakespearandMiltonandTheBible;and

don'tsittherecrooninglikeabiliouspigeon.

THE FLOWER GIRL [quite overwhelmed, and looking up at him inmingledwonderanddeprecationwithoutdaringtoraiseherhead]Ah—ah—ah—ow—ow—oo!

THENOTETAKER[whippingouthisbook]Heavens!whatasound![Hewrites;thenholdsoutthebookandreads,reproducinghervowelsexactly]Ah—ah—ah—ow—ow—ow—oo!

THEFLOWERGIRL[tickledbytheperformance,andlaughinginspiteofherself]Garn!

THENOTETAKER.YouseethiscreaturewithherkerbstoneEnglish:theEnglishthatwillkeepherintheguttertotheendofherdays.Well,sir,inthreemonthsIcouldpassthatgirloffasaduchessatanambassador'sgardenparty.Icouldevengetheraplaceas lady'smaidorshopassistant,which requiresbetterEnglish.That's thesortofthingIdoforcommercialmillionaires.AndontheprofitsofitIdogenuinescientificworkinphonetics,andalittleasapoetonMiltoniclines.

THEGENTLEMAN.IammyselfastudentofIndiandialects;and—

THENOTETAKER[eagerly]Areyou?DoyouknowColonelPickering,theauthorofSpokenSanscrit?

THEGENTLEMAN.IamColonelPickering.Whoareyou?

THE NOTE TAKER. Henry Higgins, author of Higgins's UniversalAlphabet.

PICKERING[withenthusiasm]IcamefromIndiatomeetyou.

HIGGINS.IwasgoingtoIndiatomeetyou.

PICKERING.Wheredoyoulive?

HIGGINS.27AWimpoleStreet.Comeandseemetomorrow.

PICKERING.I'mattheCarlton.Comewithmenowandlet'shaveajawoversomesupper.

HIGGINS.Rightyouare.

THEFLOWERGIRL[toPickering,ashepassesher]Buyaflower,kindgentleman.I'mshortformylodging.

PICKERING.Ireallyhaven'tanychange.I'msorry[hegoesaway].

HIGGINS [shockedatgirl'smendacity]Liar.You saidyoucouldchangehalf-a-crown.

THEFLOWERGIRL[risingindesperation]Yououghttobestuffedwithnails, you ought. [Flinging the basket at his feet] Take thewhole bloomingbasketforsixpence.

Thechurchclockstrikesthesecondquarter.

HIGGINS[hearingin it thevoiceofGod,rebukinghimforhisPharisaicwantofcharitytothepoorgirl]Areminder.[Heraiseshishatsolemnly;thenthrowsahandfulofmoneyintothebasketandfollowsPickering].

THEFLOWERGIRL[pickingupahalf-crown]Ah—ow—ooh![Pickingupacoupleofflorins]Aaah—ow—ooh![Pickingupseveralcoins]Aaaaaah—ow—ooh![Pickingupahalf-sovereign]Aasaaaaaaaaah—ow—ooh!!!

FREDDY[springingoutofataxicab]Gotoneatlast.Hallo![Tothegirl]Wherearethetwoladiesthatwerehere?

THEFLOWERGIRL.Theywalkedtothebuswhentherainstopped.

FREDDY.Andleftmewithacabonmyhands.Damnation!

THEFLOWERGIRL [with grandeur]Never youmind, youngman. I'mgoinghomeinataxi.[Shesailsofftothecab.Thedriverputshishandbehindhim and holds the door firmly shut against her. Quite understanding hismistrust,sheshowshimherhandfulofmoney].Eightpenceain'tnoobjecttome,Charlie.[Hegrinsandopensthedoor].AngelCourt,DruryLane,roundthecornerofMicklejohn'soilshop.Let'sseehowfastyoucanmakeherhopit.[Shegetsinandpullsthedoortowithaslamasthetaxicabstarts].

FREDDY.Well,I'mdashed!

ACTII

Nextdayat11a.m.Higgins'slaboratoryinWimpoleStreet.Itisaroomonthefirstfloor,lookingonthestreet,andwasmeantforthedrawing-room.Thedoubledoorsareinthemiddleof thebackhall;andpersonsenteringfindinthe corner to their right two tall file cabinets at right angles to one anotheragainst the walls. In this corner stands a flat writing-table, on which are aphonograph,alaryngoscope,arowoftinyorganpipeswithabellows,asetoflampchimneysforsingingflameswithburnersattached toagasplug in thewallbyanindiarubbertube,severaltuning-forksofdifferentsizes,alife-sizeimageofhalfahumanhead,showinginsectionthevocalorgans,andaboxcontainingasupplyofwaxcylindersforthephonograph.

Furtherdowntheroom,onthesameside,isafireplace,withacomfortable

leather-covered easy-chair at the side of the hearth nearest the door, and acoal-scuttle.There is a clockon themantelpiece.Between the fireplace andthephonographtableisastandfornewspapers.

Ontheothersideofthecentraldoor,totheleftofthevisitor,isacabinetofshallowdrawers.Onitisatelephoneandthetelephonedirectory.Thecornerbeyond, and most of the side wall, is occupied by a grand piano, with thekeyboard at the end furthest from the door, and a bench for the playerextending the full length of the keyboard. On the piano is a dessert dishheapedwithfruitandsweets,mostlychocolates.

Themiddleof theroomisclear.Besides theeasychair, thepianobench,andtwochairsatthephonographtable,thereisonestraychair.Itstandsnearthe fireplace. On the walls, engravings; mostly Piranesis and mezzotintportraits.Nopaintings.

Pickeringisseatedatthetable,puttingdownsomecardsandatuning-forkwhichhehasbeenusing.Higginsisstandingupnearhim,closingtwoorthreefile drawers which are hanging out. He appears in the morning light as arobust, vital, appetizing sort of man of forty or thereabouts, dressed in aprofessional-lookingblackfrock-coatwithawhitelinencollarandblacksilktie.Heisoftheenergetic,scientifictype,heartily,evenviolentlyinterestedineverything that can be studied as a scientific subject, and careless abouthimself and other people, including their feelings.He is, in fact, but for hisyearsandsize,ratherlikeaveryimpetuousbaby"takingnotice"eagerlyandloudly,andrequiringalmostasmuchwatchingtokeephimoutofunintendedmischief.Hismannervariesfromgenialbullyingwhenheisinagoodhumortostormypetulancewhenanythinggoeswrong;butheissoentirelyfrankandvoidofmalicethatheremainslikeableeveninhisleastreasonablemoments.

HIGGINS[asheshutsthelastdrawer]Well,Ithinkthat'sthewholeshow.

PICKERING.It'sreallyamazing.Ihaven'ttakenhalfofitin,youknow.

HIGGINS.Wouldyouliketogooveranyofitagain?

PICKERING[risingandcomingtothefireplace,whereheplantshimselfwithhisback to thefire]No, thankyou;notnow.I'mquitedoneupfor thismorning.

HIGGINS [following him, and standing beside him on his left] Tired oflisteningtosounds?

PICKERING.Yes. It's a fearful strain. I rather fanciedmyself because Icanpronouncetwenty-fourdistinctvowelsounds;butyourhundredandthirtybeatme.Ican'thearabitofdifferencebetweenmostofthem.

HIGGINS[chuckling,andgoingovertothepianotoeatsweets]Oh,that

comeswithpractice.Youhearnodifferenceatfirst;butyoukeeponlistening,andpresentlyyoufindthey'reallasdifferentasAfromB.[Mrs.Pearcelooksin:sheisHiggins'shousekeeper]What'sthematter?

MRS.PEARCE[hesitating,evidentlyperplexed]Ayoungwomanwantstoseeyou,sir.

HIGGINS.Ayoungwoman!Whatdoesshewant?

MRS. PEARCE.Well, sir, she says you'll be glad to see her when youknowwhat she's come about. She's quite a common girl, sir.Very commonindeed.Ishouldhavesentheraway,onlyIthoughtperhapsyouwantedhertotalkintoyourmachines.IhopeI'venotdonewrong;butreallyyouseesuchqueerpeoplesometimes—you'llexcuseme,I'msure,sir—

HIGGINS.Oh,that'sallright,Mrs.Pearce.Hassheaninterestingaccent?

MRS.PEARCE.Oh,somethingdreadful,sir,really.Idon'tknowhowyoucantakeaninterestinit.

HIGGINS[toPickering]Let'shaveherup.Showherup,Mrs.Pearce[herushes across to his working table and picks out a cylinder to use on thephonograph].

MRS.PEARCE[onlyhalfresignedtoit]Verywell,sir.It'sforyoutosay.[Shegoesdownstairs].

HIGGINS.Thisisratherabitofluck.I'llshowyouhowImakerecords.We'llsethertalking;andI'lltakeitdownfirstinBell'svisibleSpeech;theninbroadRomic;and thenwe'llgetheron thephonographso thatyoucan turnheronasoftenasyoulikewiththewrittentranscriptbeforeyou.

MRS.PEARCE[returning]Thisistheyoungwoman,sir.

The flower girl enters in state. She has a hatwith three ostrich feathers,orange,sky-blue,andred.Shehasanearlycleanapron,andtheshoddycoathasbeentidiedalittle.Thepathosofthisdeplorablefigure,withitsinnocentvanityandconsequentialair,touchesPickering,whohasalreadystraightenedhimselfinthepresenceofMrs.Pearce.ButastoHiggins,theonlydistinctionhemakes betweenmen andwomen is that when he is neither bullying norexclaimingtotheheavensagainstsomefeatherweightcross,hecoaxeswomenasachildcoaxesitsnursewhenitwantstogetanythingoutofher.

HIGGINS [brusquely, recognizing herwith unconcealed disappointment,andatonce,baby-like,makinganintolerablegrievanceofit]Why,thisisthegirlIjotteddownlastnight.She'snouse:I'vegotalltherecordsIwantoftheLissonGrovelingo;andI'mnotgoingtowasteanothercylinderonit.[Tothegirl]Beoffwithyou:Idon'twantyou.

THEFLOWERGIRL.Don'tyoubesosaucy.Youain'theardwhatIcomeforyet.[ToMrs.Pearce,whoiswaitingatthedoorforfurtherinstruction]DidyoutellhimIcomeinataxi?

MRS.PEARCE.Nonsense,girl!whatdoyou thinkagentleman likeMr.Higginscareswhatyoucamein?

THEFLOWERGIRL.Oh,we areproud!He ain't abovegiving lessons,nothim:Iheardhimsayso.Well,Iain'tcomeheretoaskforanycompliment;andifmymoney'snotgoodenoughIcangoelsewhere.

HIGGINS.Goodenoughforwhat?

THE FLOWERGIRL. Good enough for ye—oo. Now you know, don'tyou?I'mcometohavelessons,Iam.Andtopayforemtoo:makenomistake.

HIGGINS[stupent]WELL!!![Recoveringhisbreathwithagasp]Whatdoyouexpectmetosaytoyou?

THEFLOWERGIRL.Well,ifyouwasagentleman,youmightaskmetositdown,Ithink.Don'tItellyouI'mbringingyoubusiness?

HIGGINS. Pickering: shallwe ask this baggage to sit down or shallwethrowheroutofthewindow?

THEFLOWERGIRL[runningawayinterrortothepiano,wheresheturnsat bay] Ah—ah—ah—ow—ow—ow—oo! [Wounded and whimpering] Iwon'tbecalledabaggagewhenI'veofferedtopaylikeanylady.

Motionless, the two men stare at her from the other side of the room,amazed.

PICKERING[gently]Whatisityouwant,mygirl?

THEFLOWERGIRL.Iwanttobealadyinaflowershopsteadofsellingat thecornerofTottenhamCourtRoad.But theywon't takemeunless Icantalkmoregenteel.Hesaidhecouldteachme.Well,hereIamreadytopayhim—notaskinganyfavor—andhetreatsmeasifIwasdirt.

MRS.PEARCE.Howcanyoubesuchafoolish ignorantgirlas to thinkyoucouldaffordtopayMr.Higgins?

THEFLOWERGIRL.Whyshouldn'tI?Iknowwhatlessonscostaswellasyoudo;andI'mreadytopay.

HIGGINS.Howmuch?

THE FLOWER GIRL [coming back to him, triumphant] Now you'retalking!Ithoughtyou'dcomeoffitwhenyousawachanceofgettingbackabitofwhatyouchuckedatmelastnight.[Confidentially]You'dhadadropin,hadn'tyou?

HIGGINS[peremptorily]Sitdown.

THEFLOWERGIRL.Oh,ifyou'regoingtomakeacomplimentofit—

HIGGINS[thunderingather]Sitdown.

MRS.PEARCE [severely]Sit down,girl.Do asyou're told. [SheplacesthestraychairnearthehearthrugbetweenHigginsandPickering,andstandsbehinditwaitingforthegirltositdown].

THE FLOWER GIRL. Ah—ah—ah—ow—ow—oo! [She stands, halfrebellious,halfbewildered].

PICKERING[verycourteous]Won'tyousitdown?

LIZA[coyly]Don'tmindifIdo.[Shesitsdown.Pickeringreturnstothehearthrug].

HIGGINS.What'syourname?

THEFLOWERGIRL.LizaDoolittle.

HIGGINS [declaiming gravely] Eliza, Elizabeth, Betsy and Bess, Theywenttothewoodstogetabird'snes':

PICKERING.Theyfoundanestwithfoureggsinit:

HIGGINS.Theytookoneapiece,andleftthreeinit.

Theylaughheartilyattheirownwit.

LIZA.Oh,don'tbesilly.

MRS.PEARCE.Youmustn'tspeaktothegentlemanlikethat.

LIZA.Well,whywon'thespeaksensibletome?

HIGGINS.Comebacktobusiness.Howmuchdoyouproposetopaymeforthelessons?

LIZA.Oh,Iknowwhat'sright.AladyfriendofminegetsFrenchlessonsforeighteenpenceanhourfromarealFrenchgentleman.Well,youwouldn'thave the face to askme the same for teachingmemyown languageasyouwouldforFrench;soIwon'tgivemorethanashilling.Takeitorleaveit.

HIGGINS[walkingupanddowntheroom,rattlinghiskeysandhiscashinhispockets]Youknow,Pickering,ifyouconsiderashilling,notasasimpleshilling, but as a percentage of this girl's income, it works out as fullyequivalenttosixtyorseventyguineasfromamillionaire.

PICKERING.Howso?

HIGGINS.Figure it out.Amillionaire has about 150 pounds a day. Sheearnsabouthalf-a-crown.

LIZA[haughtily]WhotoldyouIonly—

HIGGINS[continuing]Sheoffersmetwo-fifthsofherday'sincomeforalesson. Two-fifths of amillionaire's income for a daywould be somewhereabout 60 pounds. It's handsome. By George, it's enormous! it's the biggestofferIeverhad.

LIZA[rising,terrified]Sixtypounds!Whatareyoutalkingabout?Ineverofferedyousixtypounds.WherewouldIget—

HIGGINS.Holdyourtongue.

LIZA[weeping]ButIain'tgotsixtypounds.Oh—

MRS. PEARCE.Don't cry, you silly girl. Sit down.Nobody is going totouchyourmoney.

HIGGINS. Somebody is going to touch you, with a broomstick, if youdon'tstopsnivelling.Sitdown.

LIZA[obeyingslowly]Ah—ah—ah—ow—oo—o!Onewould thinkyouwasmyfather.

HIGGINS.IfIdecidetoteachyou,I'llbeworsethantwofatherstoyou.Here[heoffersherhissilkhandkerchief]!

LIZA.What'sthisfor?

HIGGINS. Towipe your eyes. Towipe any part of your face that feelsmoist. Remember: that's your handkerchief; and that's your sleeve. Don'tmistaketheonefortheotherifyouwishtobecomealadyinashop.

Liza,utterlybewildered,stareshelplesslyathim.

MRS. PEARCE. It's no use talking to her like that, Mr. Higgins: shedoesn'tunderstandyou.Besides,you'requitewrong:shedoesn'tdoitthatwayatall[shetakesthehandkerchief].

LIZA[snatchingit]Here!Yougivemethathandkerchief.Hegiveittome,nottoyou.

PICKERING [laughing] He did. I think it must be regarded as herproperty,Mrs.Pearce.

MRS.PEARCE[resigningherself]Serveyouright,Mr.Higgins.

PICKERING.Higgins:I'minterested.Whatabouttheambassador'sgardenparty?I'llsayyou're thegreatest teacheraliveifyoumakethatgood.I'llbetyou all the expenses of the experiment you can't do it.And I'll pay for thelessons.

LIZA.Oh,youarerealgood.Thankyou,Captain.

HIGGINS [tempted, looking at her] It's almost irresistible. She's sodeliciouslylow—sohorriblydirty—

LIZA[protestingextremely]Ah—ah—ah—ah—ow—ow—oooo!!! I ain'tdirty:IwashedmyfaceandhandsaforeIcome,Idid.

PICKERING. You're certainly not going to turn her head with flattery,Higgins.

MRS. PEARCE [uneasy]Oh, don't say that, sir: there'smoreways thanone of turning a girl's head; and nobody can do it better thanMr.Higgins,thoughhemaynotalwaysmeanit.Idohope,sir,youwon'tencouragehimtodoanythingfoolish.

HIGGINS[becomingexcitedastheideagrowsonhim]Whatislifebutaseries of inspired follies?The difficulty is to find them to do.Never lose achance:itdoesn'tcomeeveryday.Ishallmakeaduchessofthisdraggletailedguttersnipe.

LIZA[stronglydeprecatingthisviewofher]Ah—ah—ah—ow—ow—oo!

HIGGINS [carriedaway]Yes: in sixmonths—in three if shehas agoodearandaquicktongue—I'll takeheranywhereandpassheroffasanything.We'll start today: now! this moment! Take her away and clean her, Mrs.Pearce.MonkeyBrand,ifitwon'tcomeoffanyotherway.Isthereagoodfireinthekitchen?

MRS.PEARCE[protesting].Yes;but—

HIGGINS[stormingon]Takeallherclothesoffandburn them.RingupWhiteley or somebody for new ones.Wrap her up in brown paper till theycome.

LIZA.You'renogentleman,you'renot,totalkofsuchthings.I'magoodgirl,Iam;andIknowwhatthelikeofyouare,Ido.

HIGGINS. We want none of your Lisson Grove prudery here, youngwoman.You've got to learn to behave like a duchess. Take her away,Mrs.Pearce.Ifshegivesyouanytroublewallopher.

LIZA [springing up and running between Pickering andMrs. Pearce forprotection]No!I'llcallthepolice,Iwill.

MRS.PEARCE.ButI'venoplacetoputher.

HIGGINS.Putherinthedustbin.

LIZA.Ah—ah—ah—ow—ow—oo!

PICKERING.Ohcome,Higgins!bereasonable.

MRS.PEARCE[resolutely]Youmustbe reasonable,Mr.Higgins: reallyyoumust.Youcan'twalkovereverybodylikethis.

Higgins,thusscolded,subsides.Thehurricaneissucceededbyazephyrofamiablesurprise.

HIGGINS [with professional exquisiteness of modulation] I walk overeverybody!MydearMrs.Pearce,mydearPickering,Ineverhadtheslightestintentionofwalkingoveranyone.AllIproposeis thatweshouldbekindtothispoorgirl.Wemusthelphertoprepareandfitherselfforhernewstationinlife.IfIdidnotexpressmyselfclearlyitwasbecauseIdidnotwishtohurtherdelicacy,oryours.

Liza,reassured,stealsbacktoherchair.

MRS.PEARCE[toPickering]Well,didyoueverhearanythinglikethat,sir?

PICKERING[laughingheartily]Never,Mrs.Pearce:never.

HIGGINS[patiently]What'sthematter?

MRS.PEARCE.Well, thematter is, sir, thatyoucan't takeagirlup likethatasifyouwerepickingupapebbleonthebeach.

HIGGINS.Whynot?

MRS.PEARCE.Whynot!Butyoudon'tknowanythingabouther.Whataboutherparents?Shemaybemarried.

LIZA.Garn!

HIGGINS.There!As thegirl veryproperly says,Garn!Married indeed!Don'tyouknowthatawomanofthatclasslooksawornoutdrudgeoffiftyayearaftershe'smarried.

LIZA.Who'dmarryme?

HIGGINS[suddenlyresortingtothemostthrillinglybeautifullowtonesinhisbestelocutionarystyle]ByGeorge,Eliza, thestreetswillbestrewnwiththe bodies ofmen shooting themselves for your sake before I've donewithyou.

MRS.PEARCE.Nonsense,sir.Youmustn'ttalklikethattoher.

LIZA[risingandsquaringherselfdeterminedly]I'mgoingaway.He'soffhischump,heis.Idon'twantnobalmiesteachingme.

HIGGINS [wounded in his tenderest point by her insensibility to hiselocution]Oh, indeed! I'mmad, am I?Verywell,Mrs. Pearce: you needn'torderthenewclothesforher.Throwherout.

LIZA[whimpering]Nah—ow.Yougotnorighttotouchme.

MRS.PEARCE.Youseenowwhatcomesofbeingsaucy.[Indicatingthedoor]Thisway,please.

LIZA[almostintears]Ididn'twantnoclothes.Iwouldn'thavetakenthem[shethrowsawaythehandkerchief].Icanbuymyownclothes.

HIGGINS [deftly retrieving thehandkerchief and interceptingheronherreluctantwaytothedoor]You'reanungratefulwickedgirl.Thisismyreturnforofferingtotakeyououtofthegutteranddressyoubeautifullyandmakealadyofyou.

MRS. PEARCE. Stop, Mr. Higgins. I won't allow it. It's you that arewicked.Gohometoyourparents,girl;andtellthemtotakebettercareofyou.

LIZA. I ain't gotnoparents.They toldme Iwasbigenough to earnmyownlivingandturnedmeout.

MRS.PEARCE.Where'syourmother?

LIZA. I ain't got no mother. Her that turned me out was my sixthstepmother.ButIdonewithoutthem.AndI'magoodgirl,Iam.

HIGGINS.Verywell, then,whatonearth is all this fussabout?Thegirldoesn't belong to anybody—isnouse to anybodybutme. [Hegoes toMrs.Pearce and begins coaxing]. You can adopt her, Mrs. Pearce: I'm sure adaughterwouldbeagreatamusementtoyou.Nowdon'tmakeanymorefuss.Takeherdownstairs;and—

MRS.PEARCE.Butwhat'stobecomeofher?Isshetobepaidanything?Dobesensible,sir.

HIGGINS. Oh, pay her whatever is necessary: put it down in thehousekeepingbook. [Impatiently]Whatonearthwill shewantwithmoney?She'llhaveherfoodandherclothes.She'llonlydrinkifyougivehermoney.

LIZA[turningonhim]Ohyouareabrute.It'salie:nobodyeversawthesign of liquor on me. [She goes back to her chair and plants herself theredefiantly].

PICKERING [in good-humored remonstrance] Does it occur to you,Higgins,thatthegirlhassomefeelings?

HIGGINS [looking critically at her] Oh no, I don't think so. Not anyfeelingsthatweneedbotherabout.[Cheerily]Haveyou,Eliza?

LIZA.Igotmyfeelingssameasanyoneelse.

HIGGINS[toPickering,reflectively]Youseethedifficulty?

PICKERING.Eh?Whatdifficulty?

HIGGINS. To get her to talk grammar. The mere pronunciation is easyenough.

LIZA.Idon'twanttotalkgrammar.Iwanttotalklikealady.

MRS.PEARCE.Willyoupleasekeeptothepoint,Mr.Higgins.Iwanttoknowonwhattermsthegirlistobehere.Isshetohaveanywages?Andwhatistobecomeofherwhenyou'vefinishedyourteaching?Youmustlookaheadalittle.

HIGGINS [impatiently] What's to become of her if I leave her in thegutter?Tellmethat,Mrs.Pearce.

MRS.PEARCE.That'sherownbusiness,notyours,Mr.Higgins.

HIGGINS.Well,whenI'vedonewithher,wecanthrowherbackintothegutter;andthenitwillbeherownbusinessagain;sothat'sallright.

LIZA.Oh,you'veno feelingheart inyou:youdon'tcare fornothingbutyourself [she rises and takes the floor resolutely].Here! I've had enough ofthis. I'mgoing [making for thedoor].Youought tobeashamedofyourself,youought.

HIGGINS[snatchingachocolatecreamfromthepiano,hiseyessuddenlybeginningtotwinklewithmischief]Havesomechocolates,Eliza.

LIZA[halting,tempted]HowdoIknowwhatmightbeinthem?I'veheardofgirlsbeingdruggedbythelikeofyou.

Higginswhipsouthispenknife;cutsachocolateintwo;putsonehalfintohismouthandboltsit;andoffershertheotherhalf.

HIGGINS.Pledgeofgoodfaith,Eliza.Ieatonehalfyoueattheother.

[Liza opens hermouth to retort: he pops the half chocolate into it].Youshallhaveboxesofthem,barrelsofthem,everyday.Youshallliveonthem.Eh?

LIZA[whohasdisposedofthechocolateafterbeingnearlychokedbyit]Iwouldn'thaveateit,onlyI'mtooladyliketotakeitoutofmymouth.

HIGGINS.Listen,Eliza.Ithinkyousaidyoucameinataxi.

LIZA.Well,whatifIdid?I'veasgoodarighttotakeataxiasanyoneelse.

HIGGINS.Youhave,Eliza;andinfutureyoushallhaveasmanytaxisasyouwant.Youshallgoupanddownandroundthetowninataxieveryday.Thinkofthat,Eliza.

MRS.PEARCE.Mr.Higgins:you're tempting thegirl. It'snot right.She

shouldthinkofthefuture.

HIGGINS.Atherage!Nonsense!Timeenoughtothinkofthefuturewhenyouhaven't any future to think of.No,Eliza: do as this lady does: think ofotherpeople'sfutures;butneverthinkofyourown.Thinkofchocolates,andtaxis,andgold,anddiamonds.

LIZA.No: Idon'twantnogoldandnodiamonds. I'magoodgirl, I am.[Shesitsdownagain,withanattemptatdignity].

HIGGINS.Youshallremainso,Eliza,underthecareofMrs.Pearce.AndyoushallmarryanofficerintheGuards,withabeautifulmoustache:thesonofamarquis,whowilldisinherithimformarryingyou,butwillrelentwhenheseesyourbeautyandgoodness—

PICKERING.Excuseme,Higgins;butIreallymustinterfere.Mrs.Pearceisquiteright.Ifthisgirlistoputherselfinyourhandsforsixmonthsforanexperimentinteaching,shemustunderstandthoroughlywhatshe'sdoing.

HIGGINS. How can she? She's incapable of understanding anything.Besides,doanyofusunderstandwhatwearedoing?Ifwedid,wouldweeverdoit?

PICKERING.Veryclever,Higgins;butnot soundsense. [ToEliza]MissDoolittle—

LIZA[overwhelmed]Ah—ah—ow—oo!

HIGGINS.There!That's all yougetoutofEliza.Ah—ah—ow—oo!Nouseexplaining.Asamilitarymanyououghttoknowthat.Giveherherorders:that's what she wants. Eliza: you are to live here for the next six months,learninghowtospeakbeautifully,likealadyinaflorist'sshop.Ifyou'regoodanddowhateveryou're told, you shall sleep in aproperbedroom, andhavelots to eat, and money to buy chocolates and take rides in taxis. If you'renaughtyandidleyouwillsleepinthebackkitchenamongtheblackbeetles,andbewallopedbyMrs.Pearcewithabroomstick.Attheendofsixmonthsyou shall go toBuckinghamPalace in a carriage, beautifully dressed. If theKingfindsoutyou'renotalady,youwillbetakenbythepolicetotheTowerof London, where your head will be cut off as a warning to otherpresumptuousflowergirls.Ifyouarenotfoundout,youshallhaveapresentofseven-and-sixpencetostartlifewithasaladyinashop.Ifyourefusethisofferyouwillbeamostungratefulandwickedgirl;andtheangelswillweepfor you. [To Pickering]Now are you satisfied, Pickering? [ToMrs. Pearce]CanIputitmoreplainlyandfairly,Mrs.Pearce?

MRS. PEARCE [patiently] I think you'd better let me speak to the girlproperlyinprivate.Idon'tknowthatIcantakechargeofherorconsenttothe

arrangementatall.OfcourseIknowyoudon'tmeanheranyharm;butwhenyougetwhatyoucall interested inpeople'saccents,younever thinkorcarewhatmayhappentothemoryou.Comewithme,Eliza.

HIGGINS.That'sallright.Thankyou,Mrs.Pearce.Bundleherofftothebath-room.

LIZA[risingreluctantlyandsuspiciously]You'reagreatbully,youare. Iwon'tstayhereifIdon'tlike.Iwon'tletnobodywallopme.IneveraskedtogotoBucknamPalace,Ididn't.Iwasneverintroublewiththepolice,notme.I'magoodgirl—

MRS. PEARCE. Don't answer back, girl. You don't understand thegentleman.Comewithme.[Sheleadsthewaytothedoor,andholdsitopenforEliza].

LIZA[asshegoesout]Well,whatIsayisright.Iwon'tgoneartheking,not if I'm going to have my head cut off. If I'd known what I was lettingmyself in for, Iwouldn't have come here. I always been a good girl; and Ineverofferedtosayawordtohim;andIdon'towehimnothing;andIdon'tcare;andIwon'tbeputupon;andIhavemyfeelingsthesameasanyoneelse—

Mrs. Pearce shuts the door; and Eliza's plaints are no longer audible.Pickeringcomesfromthehearthtothechairandsitsastrideitwithhisarmsontheback.

PICKERING. Excuse the straight question, Higgins. Are you a man ofgoodcharacterwherewomenareconcerned?

HIGGINS [moodily]Haveyou evermet amanof good characterwherewomenareconcerned?

PICKERING.Yes:veryfrequently.

HIGGINS [dogmatically, lifting himself on his hands to the level of thepiano,andsittingonitwithabounce]Well,Ihaven't.IfindthatthemomentIletawomanmakefriendswithme,shebecomesjealous,exacting,suspicious,andadamnednuisance.IfindthatthemomentIletmyselfmakefriendswithawoman, I become selfish and tyrannical.Women upset everything.Whenyouletthemintoyourlife,youfindthatthewomanisdrivingatonethingandyou'redrivingatanother.

PICKERING.Atwhat,forexample?

HIGGINS[comingoffthepianorestlessly]Oh,Lordknows!Isupposethewomanwantstoliveherownlife;andthemanwantstolivehis;andeachtriestodragtheotherontothewrongtrack.Onewantstogonorthandtheothersouth;andtheresultisthatbothhavetogoeast,thoughtheybothhatetheeast

wind.[Hesitsdownonthebenchatthekeyboard].SohereIam,aconfirmedoldbachelor,andlikelytoremainso.

PICKERING[risingandstandingoverhimgravely]Come,Higgins!YouknowwhatImean.IfI'mtobeinthisbusinessIshallfeelresponsibleforthatgirl.Ihopeit'sunderstoodthatnoadvantageistobetakenofherposition.

HIGGINS.What!Thatthing!Sacred,Iassureyou.[Risingtoexplain]Yousee, she'll be a pupil; and teachingwould be impossible unless pupilsweresacred.I've taughtscoresofAmericanmillionairesseshowtospeakEnglish:the best lookingwomen in theworld. I'm seasoned. Theymight aswell beblocksofwood.Imightaswellbeablockofwood.It's—

Mrs. Pearce opens the door. She has Eliza's hat in her hand. Pickeringretirestotheeasy-chairatthehearthandsitsdown.

HIGGINS[eagerly]Well,Mrs.Pearce:isitallright?

MRS.PEARCE[at thedoor] I justwish to troubleyouwithaword, if Imay,Mr.Higgins.

HIGGINS.Yes,certainly.Comein.[Shecomesforward].Don'tburnthat,Mrs.Pearce.I'llkeepitasacuriosity.[Hetakesthehat].

MRS.PEARCE.Handleitcarefully,sir,please.Ihadtopromisehernottoburnit;butIhadbetterputitintheovenforawhile.

HIGGINS[puttingitdownhastilyonthepiano]Oh!thankyou.Well,whathaveyoutosaytome?

PICKERING.AmIintheway?

MRS. PEARCE. Not at all, sir. Mr. Higgins: will you please be veryparticularwhatyousaybeforethegirl?

HIGGINS[sternly]Ofcourse.I'malwaysparticularaboutwhatIsay.Whydoyousaythistome?

MRS.PEARCE[unmoved]No,sir:you'renotatallparticularwhenyou'vemislaid anything or when you get a little impatient. Now it doesn't matterbeforeme:I'musedtoit.Butyoureallymustnotswearbeforethegirl.

HIGGINS [indignantly] I swear! [Most emphatically] I never swear. Idetestthehabit.Whatthedevildoyoumean?

MRS.PEARCE[stolidly]That'swhatImean,sir.Youswearagreatdealtoomuch. I don'tmind your damning and blasting, andwhat the devil andwherethedevilandwhothedevil—

HIGGINS.Really!Mrs.Pearce:thislanguagefromyourlips!

MRS.PEARCE[nottobeputoff]—butthereisacertainwordImustaskyounottouse.Thegirlhasjustuseditherselfbecausethebathwastoohot.Itbeginswith thesame letterasbath.Sheknowsnobetter:she learnt itathermother'sknee.Butshemustnothearitfromyourlips.

HIGGINS[loftily]Icannotchargemyselfwithhavingeverutteredit,Mrs.Pearce. [She looksathimsteadfastly.Headds,hidinganuneasyconsciencewith a judicial air] Except perhaps in a moment of extreme and justifiableexcitement.

MRS.PEARCE.Onlythismorning,sir,youappliedittoyourboots,tothebutter,andtothebrownbread.

HIGGINS.Oh,that!Merealliteration,Mrs.Pearce,naturaltoapoet.

MRS.PEARCE.Well,sir,whateveryouchoosetocallit,Ibegyounottoletthegirlhearyourepeatit.

HIGGINS.Oh,verywell,verywell.Isthatall?

MRS.PEARCE.No,sir.Weshallhavetobeveryparticularwiththisgirlastopersonalcleanliness.

HIGGINS.Certainly.Quiteright.Mostimportant.

MRS. PEARCE. Imean not to be slovenly about her dress or untidy inleavingthingsabout.

HIGGINS[goingtohersolemnly]Justso.Iintendedtocallyourattentionto that [He passes on to Pickering, who is enjoying the conversationimmensely]. It is these little things that matter, Pickering. Take care of thepenceandthepoundswilltakecareofthemselvesisastrueofpersonalhabitsasofmoney.[Hecomestoanchoronthehearthrug,withtheairofamaninanunassailableposition].

MRS. PEARCE. Yes, sir. Then might I ask you not to come down tobreakfastinyourdressing-gown,oratanyratenottouseitasanapkintotheextentyoudo,sir.Andifyouwouldbesogoodasnottoeateverythingoffthesameplate,andtoremembernottoputtheporridgesaucepanoutofyourhandonthecleantablecloth,itwouldbeabetterexampletothegirl.Youknowyounearlychokedyourselfwithafishboneinthejamonlylastweek.

HIGGINS[routedfromthehearthruganddriftingbacktothepiano]Imaydo these things sometimes in absence of mind; but surely I don't do themhabitually.[Angrily]Bytheway:mydressing-gownsmellsmostdamnablyofbenzine.

MRS.PEARCE.Nodoubtitdoes,Mr.Higgins.Butifyouwillwipeyourfingers—

HIGGINS[yelling]Ohverywell,verywell: I'llwipe theminmyhair infuture.

MRS.PEARCE.Ihopeyou'renotoffended,Mr.Higgins.

HIGGINS [shocked at finding himself thought capable of an unamiablesentiment] Not at all, not at all. You're quite right,Mrs. Pearce: I shall beparticularlycarefulbeforethegirl.Isthatall?

MRS. PEARCE.No, sir.Might she use some of those Japanese dressesyoubroughtfromabroad?Ireallycan'tputherbackintoheroldthings.

HIGGINS.Certainly.Anythingyoulike.Isthatall?

MRS.PEARCE.Thankyou,sir.That'sall.[Shegoesout].

HIGGINS.Youknow,Pickering, thatwomanhas themost extraordinaryideasaboutme.HereIam,ashy,diffidentsortofman.I'veneverbeenabletofeel really grown-up and tremendous, like other chaps.Andyet she's firmlypersuaded that I'm an arbitrary overbearing bossing kind of person. I can'taccountforit.

Mrs.Pearcereturns.

MRS.PEARCE.Ifyouplease,sir,thetrouble'sbeginningalready.There'sadustmandownstairs,AlfredDoolittle,wants to seeyou.Hesaysyouhavehisdaughterhere.

PICKERING[rising]Phew!Isay![Heretreatstothehearthrug].

HIGGINS[promptly]Sendtheblackguardup.

MRS.PEARCE.Oh,verywell,sir.[Shegoesout].

PICKERING.Hemaynotbeablackguard,Higgins.

HIGGINS.Nonsense.Ofcoursehe'sablackguard.

PICKERING.Whetherheisornot,I'mafraidweshallhavesometroublewithhim.

HIGGINS[confidently]Ohno:I thinknot.If there'sanytroubleheshallhaveitwithme,notIwithhim.Andwearesuretogetsomethinginterestingoutofhim.

PICKERING.Aboutthegirl?

HIGGINS.No.Imeanhisdialect.

PICKERING.Oh!

MRS. PEARCE [at the door] Doolittle, sir. [She admits Doolittle andretires].

AlfredDoolittleisanelderlybutvigorousdustman,cladinthecostumeofhis profession, including a hat with a back brim covering his neck andshoulders. He has well marked and rather interesting features, and seemsequallyfreefromfearandconscience.Hehasaremarkablyexpressivevoice,theresultofahabitofgivingventtohisfeelingswithoutreserve.Hispresentposeisthatofwoundedhonorandsternresolution.

DOOLITTLE [at the door, uncertain which of the two gentlemen is hisman]ProfessorHiggins?

HIGGINS.Here.Goodmorning.Sitdown.

DOOLITTLE. Morning, Governor. [He sits down magisterially] I comeaboutaveryseriousmatter,Governor.

HIGGINS[toPickering]BroughtupinHounslow.MotherWelsh,Ishouldthink. [Doolittle opens hismouth, amazed.Higgins continues]What do youwant,Doolittle?

DOOLITTLE[menacingly]Iwantmydaughter:that'swhatIwant.See?

HIGGINS. Of course you do. You're her father, aren't you? You don'tsupposeanyoneelsewantsher,doyou?I'mgladtoseeyouhavesomesparkoffamilyfeelingleft.She'supstairs.Takeherawayatonce.

DOOLITTLE[rising,fearfullytakenaback]What!

HIGGINS. Take her away. Do you suppose I'm going to keep yourdaughterforyou?

DOOLITTLE [remonstrating] Now, now, look here, Governor. Is thisreasonable?Isitfairtotakeadvantageofamanlikethis?Thegirlbelongstome.Yougother.WheredoIcomein?[Hesitsdownagain].

HIGGINS.Yourdaughterhad theaudacity tocometomyhouseandaskme to teach her how to speak properly so that she could get a place in aflower-shop.Thisgentlemanandmyhousekeeperhavebeenhereallthetime.[Bullyinghim]Howdareyoucomehereandattempt toblackmailme?Yousentherhereonpurpose.

DOOLITTLE[protesting]No,Governor.

HIGGINS.Youmusthave.Howelsecouldyoupossiblyknowthatsheishere?

DOOLITTLE.Don'ttakeamanuplikethat,Governor.

HIGGINS.Thepoliceshall takeyouup.This isaplant—aplot toextortmoney by threats. I shall telephone for the police [he goes resolutely to thetelephoneandopensthedirectory].

DOOLITTLE. Have I asked you for a brass farthing? I leave it to thegentlemanhere:haveIsaidawordaboutmoney?

HIGGINS[throwingthebookasideandmarchingdownonDoolittlewithaposer]Whatelsedidyoucomefor?

DOOLITTLE [sweetly]Well, what would a man come for? Be human,governor.

HIGGINS[disarmed]Alfred:didyouputheruptoit?

DOOLITTLE.Sohelpme,Governor, Ineverdid. I takemyBibleoathIain'tseenthegirlthesetwomonthspast.

HIGGINS.Thenhowdidyouknowshewashere?

DOOLITTLE["mostmusical,mostmelancholy"]I'lltellyou,Governor,ifyou'llonlyletmegetawordin.I'mwillingtotellyou.I'mwantingtotellyou.I'mwaitingtotellyou.

HIGGINS. Pickering: this chap has a certain natural gift of rhetoric.Observetherhythmofhisnativewoodnoteswild."I'mwillingtotellyou:I'mwanting to tellyou: I'mwaiting to tellyou."Sentimental rhetoric!That's theWelshstraininhim.Italsoaccountsforhismendacityanddishonesty.

PICKERING. Oh, PLEASE, Higgins: I'm west country myself. [ToDoolittle]Howdidyouknowthegirlwashereifyoudidn'tsendher?

DOOLITTLE.Itwaslikethis,Governor.Thegirltookaboyinthetaxitogivehimajaunt.Sonofherlandlady,heis.Hehungaboutonthechanceofher giving him another ride home.Well, she sent him back for her luggagewhen she heard youwas willing for her to stop here. I met the boy at thecornerofLongAcreandEndellStreet.

HIGGINS.Publichouse.Yes?

DOOLITTLE.Thepoorman'sclub,Governor:whyshouldn'tI?

PICKERING.Dolethimtellhisstory,Higgins.

DOOLITTLE. He told me what was up. And I ask you, what was myfeelings and my duty as a father? I says to the boy, "You bring me theluggage,"Isays—

PICKERING.Whydidn'tyougoforityourself?

DOOLITTLE.Landladywouldn'thavetrustedmewithit,Governor.She'sthatkindofwoman:youknow.Ihadtogivetheboyapennyaforehetrustedmewithit,thelittleswine.Ibroughtittoherjusttoobligeyoulike,andmakemyselfagreeable.That'sall.

HIGGINS.Howmuchluggage?

DOOLITTLE.Musical instrument, Governor. A few pictures, a trifle ofjewelry,andabird-cage.Shesaidshedidn'twantnoclothes.Whatwas I tothinkfromthat,Governor?IaskyouasaparentwhatwasItothink?

HIGGINS.Soyoucametorescueherfromworsethandeath,eh?

DOOLITTLE [appreciatively: relieved at being understood] Just so,Governor.That'sright.

PICKERING.Butwhydidyoubringher luggageifyouintendedto takeheraway?

DOOLITTLE.HaveIsaidawordabouttakingheraway?HaveInow?

HIGGINS[determinedly]You'regoingtotakeheraway,doublequick.[Hecrossestothehearthandringsthebell].

DOOLITTLE [rising] No, Governor. Don't say that. I'm not the man tostandinmygirl'slight.Here'sacareeropeningforher,asyoumightsay;and—

Mrs.Pearceopensthedoorandawaitsorders.

HIGGINS. Mrs. Pearce: this is Eliza's father. He has come to take heraway.Givehertohim.[Hegoesbacktothepiano,withanairofwashinghishandsofthewholeaffair].

DOOLITTLE.No.Thisisamisunderstanding.Listenhere—

MRS.PEARCE.He can't takeher away,Mr.Higgins: howcanhe?Youtoldmetoburnherclothes.

DOOLITTLE.That's right. Ican'tcarry thegirl throughthestreets likeabloomingmonkey,canI?Iputittoyou.

HIGGINS.Youhaveputittomethatyouwantyourdaughter.Takeyourdaughter.Ifshehasnoclothesgooutandbuyhersome.

DOOLITTLE [desperate] Where's the clothes she come in? Did I burnthemordidyourmissushere?

MRS.PEARCE.Iamthehousekeeper,ifyouplease.Ihavesentforsomeclothesforyourgirl.Whentheycomeyoucantakeheraway.Youcanwaitinthekitchen.Thisway,please.

Doolittle, much troubled, accompanies her to the door; then hesitates;finallyturnsconfidentiallytoHiggins.

DOOLITTLE. Listen here, Governor. You andme is men of the world,ain'twe?

HIGGINS.Oh!Menoftheworld,arewe?You'dbettergo,Mrs.Pearce.

MRS.PEARCE.Ithinkso,indeed,sir.[Shegoes,withdignity].

PICKERING.Thefloorisyours,Mr.Doolittle.

DOOLITTLE [to Pickering] I thank you, Governor. [To Higgins, whotakesrefugeonthepianobench,alittleoverwhelmedbytheproximityofhisvisitor; forDoolittle has a professional flavor of dust about him].Well, thetruthis,I'vetakenasortoffancytoyou,Governor;andifyouwantthegirl,I'mnotsosetonhavingherbackhomeagainbutwhatImightbeopentoanarrangement.Regardedinthelightofayoungwoman,she'safinehandsomegirl.Asadaughtershe'snotworthherkeep;andsoItellyoustraight.AllIaskismyrightsasafather;andyou'rethelastmanalivetoexpectmetolethergofornothing;forIcanseeyou'reoneofthestraightsort,Governor.Well,what'safivepoundnotetoyou?Andwhat'sElizatome?[Hereturnstohischairandsitsdownjudicially].

PICKERING. I think you ought to know, Doolittle, that Mr. Higgins'sintentionsareentirelyhonorable.

DOOLITTLE.Coursetheyare,Governor.IfIthoughttheywasn't,I'daskfifty.

HIGGINS [revolted] Do you mean to say, you callous rascal, that youwouldsellyourdaughterfor50pounds?

DOOLITTLE.NotinageneralwayIwouldn't;buttoobligeagentlemanlikeyouI'ddoagooddeal,Idoassureyou.

PICKERING.Haveyounomorals,man?

DOOLITTLE[unabashed]Can'taffordthem,Governor.Neithercouldyouifyouwasaspoorasme.NotthatImeananyharm,youknow.ButifLizaisgoingtohaveabitoutofthis,whynotmetoo?

HIGGINS[troubled]Idon'tknowwhattodo,Pickering.Therecanbenoquestion that as amatter ofmorals it's a positive crime to give this chap afarthing.AndyetIfeelasortofroughjusticeinhisclaim.

DOOLITTLE.That's it,Governor. That's all I say.A father's heart, as itwere.

PICKERING.Well,Iknowthefeeling;butreallyitseemshardlyright—

DOOLITTLE.Don'tsaythat,Governor.Don'tlookatitthatway.WhatamI,Governors both? I ask you,what am I? I'm one of the undeserving poor:that'swhatIam.Thinkofwhatthatmeanstoaman.Itmeansthathe'supagenmiddleclassmoralityallthetime.Ifthere'sanythinggoing,andIputinforabitofit,it'salwaysthesamestory:"You'reundeserving;soyoucan'thaveit."

Butmyneedsisasgreatasthemostdeservingwidow'sthatevergotmoneyoutofsixdifferentcharitiesinoneweekforthedeathofthesamehusband.Idon'tneedlessthanadeservingman:Ineedmore.Idon'teatlessheartythanhim;andIdrinkalotmore.Iwantabitofamusement,causeI'mathinkingman.IwantcheerfulnessandasongandabandwhenI feel low.Well, theychargemejustthesameforeverythingastheychargethedeserving.Whatismiddle class morality? Just an excuse for never giving me anything.Therefore, I ask you, as two gentlemen, not to play that game on me. I'mplayingstraightwithyou.Iain'tpretendingtobedeserving.I'mundeserving;andImeantogoonbeingundeserving.Ilikeit;andthat'sthetruth.Willyoutake advantage of a man's nature to do him out of the price of his owndaughterwhathe'sbroughtupandfedandclothedby thesweatofhisbrowuntilshe'sgrowedbigenoughtobeinterestingtoyoutwogentlemen?Isfivepoundsunreasonable?Iputittoyou;andIleaveittoyou.

HIGGINS [rising, andgoingover toPickering]Pickering: ifwewere totakethismaninhandforthreemonths,hecouldchoosebetweenaseatintheCabinetandapopularpulpitinWales.

PICKERING.Whatdoyousaytothat,Doolittle?

DOOLITTLE. Not me, Governor, thank you kindly. I've heard all thepreachersandall theprimeministers—for I'ma thinkingmanandgame forpoliticsorreligionorsocialreformsameasalltheotheramusements—andItellyouit'sadog'slifeanywayyoulookatit.Undeservingpovertyismyline.Taking one station in societywith another, it's—it's—well, it's the only onethathasanygingerinit,tomytaste.

HIGGINS.Isupposewemustgivehimafiver.

PICKERING.He'llmakeabaduseofit,I'mafraid.

DOOLITTLE.Notme,Governor,sohelpmeIwon't.Don'tyoubeafraidthatI'llsaveitandspareitandliveidleonit.Therewon'tbeapennyofitleftby Monday: I'll have to go to work same as if I'd never had it. It won'tpauperizeme,youbet.Justonegoodspreeformyselfandthemissus,givingpleasure to ourselves and employment to others, and satisfaction to you tothinkit'snotbeenthrowedaway.Youcouldn'tspenditbetter.

HIGGINS[takingouthispocketbookandcomingbetweenDoolittleandthepiano]This is irresistible.Let'sgivehimten.[Heoffers twonotes to thedustman].

DOOLITTLE.No,Governor.Shewouldn'thavethehearttospendten;andperhapsIshouldn'tneither.Tenpoundsisalotofmoney:itmakesamanfeelprudent like; and then goodbye to happiness. You givemewhat I ask you,Governor:notapennymore,andnotapennyless.

PICKERING.Whydon'tyoumarrythatmissusofyours?Iratherdrawthelineatencouragingthatsortofimmorality.

DOOLITTLE.Tellher so,Governor: tellher so. I'mwilling. It'sme thatsuffersbyit.I'venoholdonher.Igottobeagreeabletoher.Igottogiveherpresents.Igottobuyherclothessomethingsinful.I'maslavetothatwoman,Governor, just because I'm not her lawful husband. And she knows it too.Catchhermarryingme!Takemyadvice,Governor:marryElizawhile she'syounganddon'tknownobetter.Ifyoudon'tyou'llbesorryforitafter.Ifyoudo,she'llbesorryfor itafter;butbetteryouthanher,becauseyou'reaman,andshe'sonlyawomananddon'tknowhowtobehappyanyhow.

HIGGINS. Pickering: if we listen to this man another minute, we shallhavenoconvictionsleft.[ToDoolittle]FivepoundsIthinkyousaid.

DOOLITTLE.Thankyoukindly,Governor.

HIGGINS.You'resureyouwon'ttaketen?

DOOLITTLE.Notnow.Anothertime,Governor.

HIGGINS[handinghimafive-poundnote]Hereyouare.

DOOLITTLE.Thankyou,Governor.Goodmorning.

[Hehurriestothedoor,anxioustogetawaywithhisbooty.WhenheopensitheisconfrontedwithadaintyandexquisitelycleanyoungJapaneseladyina simple blue cotton kimono printed cunningly with small white jasmineblossoms.Mrs.Pearce iswithher.Hegets out of herwaydeferentially andapologizes].Begpardon,miss.

THEJAPANESELADY.Garn!Don'tyouknowyourowndaughter?

DOOLITTLE{exclaimingBlyme!it'sEliza!

HIGGINS{simul-What'sthat!This!

PICKERING{taneouslyByJove!

LIZA.Don'tIlooksilly?

HIGGINS.Silly?

MRS.PEARCE[atthedoor]Now,Mr.Higgins,pleasedon'tsayanythingtomakethegirlconceitedaboutherself.

HIGGINS[conscientiously]Oh!Quiteright,Mrs.Pearce.[ToEliza]Yes:damnedsilly.

MRS.PEARCE.Please,sir.

HIGGINS[correctinghimself]Imeanextremelysilly.

LIZA.Ishouldlookallrightwithmyhaton.[Shetakesupherhat;putsiton;andwalksacrosstheroomtothefireplacewithafashionableair].

HIGGINS.Anewfashion,byGeorge!Anditoughttolookhorrible!

DOOLITTLE[withfatherlypride]Well,Ineverthoughtshe'dcleanupasgoodlookingasthat,Governor.She'sacredittome,ain'tshe?

LIZA.Itellyou,it'seasytocleanuphere.Hotandcoldwaterontap,justasmuchasyoulike,thereis.Woollytowels,thereis;andatowelhorsesohot,it burnsyour fingers.Soft brushes to scrubyourself, and awoodenbowlofsoapsmellinglikeprimroses.NowIknowwhyladiesissoclean.Washing'satreatforthem.Wishtheysawwhatitisforthelikeofme!

HIGGINS.I'mgladthebath-roommetwithyourapproval.

LIZA. It didn't: not all of it; and I don't carewho hearsme say it.Mrs.Pearceknows.

HIGGINS.Whatwaswrong,Mrs.Pearce?

MRS.PEARCE[blandly]Oh,nothing,sir.Itdoesn'tmatter.

LIZA.Ihadagoodmindtobreakit.Ididn'tknowwhichwaytolook.ButIhungatoweloverit,Idid.

HIGGINS.Overwhat?

MRS.PEARCE.Overthelooking-glass,sir.

HIGGINS.Doolittle:youhavebroughtyourdaughteruptoostrictly.

DOOLITTLE.Me!Ineverbroughtherupatall,excepttogiveheralickofastrapnowandagain.Don'tputitonme,Governor.Sheain'taccustomedtoit,yousee:that'sall.Butshe'llsoonpickupyourfree-and-easyways.

LIZA.I'magoodgirl,Iam;andIwon'tpickupnofreeandeasyways.

HIGGINS.Eliza:ifyousayagainthatyou'reagoodgirl,yourfathershalltakeyouhome.

LIZA.Nothim.Youdon't knowmy father.Allhe comehere forwas totouchyouforsomemoneytogetdrunkon.

DOOLITTLE.Well,what elsewould Iwantmoney for?Toput into theplateinchurch,Isuppose.[Sheputsouthertongueathim.HeissoincensedbythisthatPickeringpresentlyfindsitnecessarytostepbetweenthem].Don'tyougivemenoneofyourlip;anddon'tletmehearyougivingthisgentlemananyofitneither,oryou'llhearfrommeaboutit.See?

HIGGINS. Have you any further advice to give her before you go,Doolittle?Yourblessing,forinstance.

DOOLITTLE.No,Governor:Iain'tsuchamugastoputupmychildrentoall I knowmyself. Hard enough to hold them in without that. If you wantEliza's mind improved, Governor, you do it yourself with a strap. So long,gentlemen.[Heturnstogo].

HIGGINS[impressively]Stop.You'llcomeregularlytoseeyourdaughter.It'syourduty,youknow.Mybrotherisaclergyman;andhecouldhelpyouinyourtalkswithher.

DOOLITTLE [evasively] Certainly. I'll come, Governor. Not just thisweek,becauseIhaveajobatadistance.Butlateronyoumaydependonme.Afternoon,gentlemen.Afternoon,ma'am.[HetakesoffhishattoMrs.Pearce,whodisdains thesalutationandgoesout.HewinksatHiggins, thinkinghimprobablyafellowsuffererfromMrs.Pearce'sdifficultdisposition,andfollowsher].

LIZA.Don'tyoubelieve theold liar.He'das soonyousetabull-dogonhimasaclergyman.Youwon'tseehimagaininahurry.

HIGGINS.Idon'twantto,Eliza.Doyou?

LIZA.Notme.Idon'twantnevertoseehimagain,Idon't.He'sadisgracetome,heis,collectingdust,insteadofworkingathistrade.

PICKERING.Whatishistrade,Eliza?

LIZA. Talking money out of other people's pockets into his own. Hispropertrade'sanavvy;andheworksat itsometimestoo—forexercise—andearnsgoodmoneyatit.Ain'tyougoingtocallmeMissDoolittleanymore?

PICKERING. I beg your pardon, Miss Doolittle. It was a slip of thetongue.

LIZA.Oh, Idon'tmind;only it sounded sogenteel. I should just like totakeataxitothecornerofTottenhamCourtRoadandgetoutthereandtellittowait forme, just to put the girls in their place a bit. Iwouldn't speak tothem,youknow.

PICKERING.Betterwaittilwegetyousomethingreallyfashionable.

HIGGINS.Besides,youshouldn'tcutyouroldfriendsnowthatyouhaverisenintheworld.That'swhatwecallsnobbery.

LIZA. You don't call the like of them my friends now, I should hope.They'vetookitoutofmeoftenenoughwiththeirridiculewhentheyhadthechance; and now I mean to get a bit of my own back. But if I'm to havefashionable clothes, I'll wait. I should like to have some.Mrs. Pearce saysyou'regoingtogivemesometowearinbedatnightdifferenttowhatIwearin the daytime; but it do seem a waste of money when you could get

somethingtoshow.Besides,Inevercouldfancychangingintocoldthingsonawinternight.

MRS.PEARCE[comingback]Now,Eliza.Thenewthingshavecomeforyoutotryon.

LIZA.Ah—ow—oo—ooh![Sherushesout].

MRS. PEARCE [following her]Oh, don't rush about like that, girl [Sheshutsthedoorbehindher].

HIGGINS.Pickering:wehavetakenonastiffjob.

PICKERING[withconviction]Higgins:wehave.

ACTIII

It isMrs. Higgins's at-home day.Nobody has yet arrived. Her drawing-room, in a flat on Chelsea embankment, has threewindows looking on theriver; and the ceiling is not so lofty as itwouldbe in anolderhouseof thesame pretension. The windows are open, giving access to a balcony withflowers in pots. If you stand with your face to the windows, you have thefireplaceonyour leftand thedoor in the right-handwallclose to thecornernearestthewindows.

Mrs.HigginswasbroughtuponMorrisandBurneJones;andher room,which isveryunlikeher son's room inWimpoleStreet, isnotcrowdedwithfurnitureandlittletablesandnicknacks.Inthemiddleoftheroomthereisabigottoman;andthis,withthecarpet,theMorriswall-papers,andtheMorrischintzwindowcurtains andbrocadecoversof theottomanand its cushions,supplyalltheornament,andaremuchtoohandsometobehiddenbyoddsandends of useless things.A fewgoodoil-paintings from the exhibitions in theGrosvenorGallerythirtyyearsago(theBurneJones,nottheWhistlersideofthem)areonthewalls.TheonlylandscapeisaCecilLawsononthescaleofaRubens. There is a portrait of Mrs. Higgins as she was when she defiedfashioninheryouthinoneofthebeautifulRossettiancostumeswhich,whencaricaturedbypeoplewhodidnotunderstand,ledtotheabsurditiesofpopularestheticismintheeighteen-seventies.

In the corner diagonally opposite the doorMrs.Higgins, nowover sixtyandlongpasttakingthetroubletodressoutofthefashion,sitswritingatanelegantly simple writing-table with a bell button within reach of her hand.There is aChippendale chair further back in the room between her and thewindownearestherside.Attheothersideoftheroom,furtherforward,isan

ElizabethanchairroughlycarvedinthetasteofInigoJones.Onthesamesideapianoinadecoratedcase.ThecornerbetweenthefireplaceandthewindowisoccupiedbyadivancushionedinMorrischintz.

Itisbetweenfourandfiveintheafternoon.

Thedoorisopenedviolently;andHigginsenterswithhishaton.

MRS.HIGGINS [dismayed]Henry! [scolding him]What are you doinghereto-day?Itismyathomeday:youpromisednottocome.[Ashebendstokissher,shetakeshishatoff,andpresentsittohim].

HIGGINS.Ohbother![Hethrowsthehatdownonthetable].

MRS.HIGGINS.Gohomeatonce.

HIGGINS[kissingher]Iknow,mother.Icameonpurpose.

MRS.HIGGINS.Butyoumustn't. I'mserious,Henry.Youoffendallmyfriends:theystopcomingwhenevertheymeetyou.

HIGGINS.Nonsense!IknowIhavenosmalltalk;butpeopledon'tmind.[Hesitsonthesettee].

MRS.HIGGINS.Oh!don'tthey?Smalltalkindeed!Whataboutyourlargetalk?Really,dear,youmustn'tstay.

HIGGINS.Imust.I'veajobforyou.Aphoneticjob.

MRS. HIGGINS. No use, dear. I'm sorry; but I can't get round yourvowels; and though I like togetprettypostcards inyourpatent shorthand, Ialwayshave to read thecopies inordinarywritingyou so thoughtfully sendme.

HIGGINS.Well,thisisn'taphoneticjob.

MRS.HIGGINS.Yousaiditwas.

HIGGINS.Notyourpartofit.I'vepickedupagirl.

MRS.HIGGINS.Doesthatmeanthatsomegirlhaspickedyouup?

HIGGINS.Notatall.Idon'tmeanaloveaffair.

MRS.HIGGINS.Whatapity!

HIGGINS.Why?

MRS.HIGGINS.Well,youneverfallinlovewithanyoneunderforty-five.Whenwillyoudiscoverthattherearesomerathernice-lookingyoungwomenabout?

HIGGINS. Oh, I can't be bothered with young women. My idea of aloveablewomanissomethingaslikeyouaspossible.Ishallnevergetintothe

wayofseriouslylikingyoungwomen:somehabitslietoodeeptobechanged.[Rising abruptly andwalking about, jingling hismoney and his keys in histrouserpockets]Besides,they'reallidiots.

MRS.HIGGINS.Doyouknowwhatyouwoulddoifyoureallylovedme,Henry?

HIGGINS.Ohbother!What?Marry,Isuppose?

MRS. HIGGINS. No. Stop fidgeting and take your hands out of yourpockets. [With agestureof despair, heobeys and sits downagain].That's agoodboy.Nowtellmeaboutthegirl.

HIGGINS.She'scomingtoseeyou.

MRS.HIGGINS.Idon'trememberaskingher.

HIGGINS.Youdidn't.Iaskedher.Ifyou'dknownheryouwouldn'thaveaskedher.

MRS.HIGGINS.Indeed!Why?

HIGGINS.Well,it'slikethis.She'sacommonflowergirl.Ipickedheroffthekerbstone.

MRS.HIGGINS.Andinvitedhertomyat-home!

HIGGINS [rising and coming to her to coaxher]Oh, that'll be all right.I'vetaughthertospeakproperly;andshehasstrictordersastoherbehavior.She's tokeepto twosubjects: theweatherandeverybody'shealth—FinedayandHowdoyoudo,youknow—andnottoletherselfgoonthingsingeneral.Thatwillbesafe.

MRS. HIGGINS. Safe! To talk about our health! about our insides!perhapsaboutouroutsides!Howcouldyoubesosilly,Henry?

HIGGINS[impatiently]Well,shemusttalkaboutsomething.[Hecontrolshimselfandsitsdownagain].Oh,she'llbeallright:don'tyoufuss.Pickeringis initwithme.I'veasortofbetonthatI'llpassheroffasaduchessinsixmonths.Istartedonhersomemonthsago;andshe'sgettingonlikeahouseonfire.Ishallwinmybet.Shehasaquickear;andshe'sbeeneasiertoteachthanmymiddle-classpupilsbecauseshe'shad to learnacompletenew language.ShetalksEnglishalmostasyoutalkFrench.

MRS.HIGGINS.That'ssatisfactory,atallevents.

HIGGINS.Well,itisanditisn't.

MRS.HIGGINS.Whatdoesthatmean?

HIGGINS.You see, I've got her pronunciation all right; but youhave to

considernotonlyhowagirlpronounces,butwhatshepronounces;andthat'swhere—

Theyareinterruptedbytheparlor-maid,announcingguests.

THEPARLOR-MAID.Mrs.andMissEynsfordHill.[Shewithdraws].

HIGGINS.OhLord![Herises;snatcheshishatfromthetable;andmakesforthedoor;butbeforehereachesithismotherintroduceshim].

Mrs. andMissEynsfordHill are themother anddaughterwho shelteredfromthe rain inCoventGarden.Themother iswellbred,quiet,andhas thehabitualanxietyof straitenedmeans.Thedaughterhasacquiredagayairofbeingverymuchathomeinsociety:thebravadoofgenteelpoverty.

MRS.EYNSFORDHILL[toMrs.Higgins]Howdoyoudo?[Theyshakehands].

MISSEYNSFORDHILL.Howd'youdo?[Sheshakes].

MRS.HIGGINS[introducing]MysonHenry.

MRS.EYNSFORDHILL.Yourcelebratedson!Ihavesolongedtomeetyou,ProfessorHiggins.

HIGGINS[glumly,makingnomovementinherdirection]Delighted.[Hebacksagainstthepianoandbowsbrusquely].

MissEYNSFORDHILL[goingtohimwithconfidentfamiliarity]Howdoyoudo?

HIGGINS [staring at her] I've seen you before somewhere. I haven't theghostofanotionwhere;butI'veheardyourvoice.[Drearily]Itdoesn'tmatter.You'dbettersitdown.

MRS.HIGGINS.I'msorrytosaythatmycelebratedsonhasnomanners.Youmustn'tmindhim.

MISS EYNSFORD HILL [gaily] I don't. [She sits in the Elizabethanchair].

MRS.EYNSFORDHILL[alittlebewildered]Notatall.[Shesitsontheottoman between her daughter andMrs. Higgins, who has turned her chairawayfromthewriting-table].

HIGGINS. Oh, have I been rude? I didn't mean to be. [He goes to thecentralwindow,throughwhich,withhisbacktothecompany,hecontemplatestheriverandtheflowersinBatterseaParkontheoppositebankasiftheywereafrozendessert.]

Theparlor-maidreturns,usheringinPickering.

THEPARLOR-MAID.ColonelPickering[Shewithdraws].

PICKERING.Howdoyoudo,Mrs.Higgins?

MRS.HIGGINS.Sogladyou'vecome.DoyouknowMrs.EynsfordHill—Miss Eynsford Hill? [Exchange of bows. The Colonel brings theChippendale chair a little forward betweenMrs.Hill andMrs.Higgins, andsitsdown].

PICKERING.HasHenrytoldyouwhatwe'vecomefor?

HIGGINS[overhisshoulder]Wewereinterrupted:damnit!

MRS.HIGGINS.OhHenry,Henry,really!

MRS.EYNSFORDHILL[halfrising]Areweintheway?

MRS. HIGGINS [rising and making her sit down again] No, no. Youcouldn'thavecomemorefortunately:wewantyoutomeetafriendofours.

HIGGINS [turning hopefully] Yes, by George! We want two or threepeople.You'lldoaswellasanybodyelse.

Theparlor-maidreturns,usheringFreddy.

THEPARLOR-MAID.Mr.EynsfordHill.

HIGGINS [almost audibly, past endurance] God of Heaven! another ofthem.

FREDDY[shakinghandswithMrs.Higgins]Ahdedo?

MRS. HIGGINS. Very good of you to come. [Introducing] ColonelPickering.

FREDDY[bowing]Ahdedo?

MRS.HIGGINS.Idon'tthinkyouknowmyson,ProfessorHiggins.

FREDDY[goingtoHiggins]Ahdedo?

HIGGINS[lookingathimmuchas ifhewereapickpocket] I'll takemyoathI'vemetyoubeforesomewhere.Wherewasit?

FREDDY.Idon'tthinkso.

HIGGINS [resignedly] It don't matter, anyhow. Sit down. He shakesFreddy's hand, and almost slings him on the ottoman with his face to thewindows;thencomesroundtotheothersideofit.

HIGGINS.Well,hereweare,anyhow![HesitsdownontheottomannextMrs.EynsfordHill,onherleft.]Andnow,whatthedevilarewegoingtotalkaboutuntilElizacomes?

MRS.HIGGINS.Henry:youare the lifeandsoulof theRoyalSociety'ssoirees;butreallyyou'rerathertryingonmorecommonplaceoccasions.

HIGGINS. Am I? Very sorry. [Beaming suddenly] I suppose I am, youknow.[Uproariously]Ha,ha!

MISS EYNSFORD HILL [who considers Higgins quite eligiblematrimonially]Isympathize.Ihaven'tanysmalltalk.Ifpeoplewouldonlybefrankandsaywhattheyreallythink!

HIGGINS[relapsingintogloom]Lordforbid!

MRS.EYNSFORDHILL[takingupherdaughter'scue]Butwhy?

HIGGINS. What they think they ought to think is bad enough, Lordknows; butwhat they really thinkwould break up thewhole show.Do yousuppose itwouldbe reallyagreeable if Iwere tocomeoutnowwithwhat Ireallythink?

MISSEYNSFORDHILL[gaily]Isitsoverycynical?

HIGGINS. Cynical! Who the dickens said it was cynical? I mean itwouldn'tbedecent.

MRS. EYNSFORDHILL [seriously] Oh! I'm sure you don't mean that,Mr.Higgins.

HIGGINS.Yousee,we'reallsavages,moreorless.We'resupposedtobecivilizedandcultured—toknowallaboutpoetryandphilosophyandartandscience, and so on; but howmany of us know even themeanings of thesenames?[ToMissHill]Whatdoyouknowofpoetry?[ToMrs.Hill]Whatdoyouknowofscience?[IndicatingFreddy]Whatdoesheknowofartorscienceoranythingelse?WhatthedevildoyouimagineIknowofphilosophy?

MRS.HIGGINS[warningly]Orofmanners,Henry?

THEPARLOR-MAID[openingthedoor]MissDoolittle.[Shewithdraws].

HIGGINS[risinghastilyandrunningtoMrs.Higgins]Heresheis,mother.[He stands on tiptoe and makes signs over his mother's head to Eliza toindicatetoherwhichladyisherhostess].

Eliza, who is exquisitely dressed, produces an impression of suchremarkable distinction and beauty as she enters that they all rise, quiteflustered.GuidedbyHiggins'ssignals,shecomestoMrs.Higginswithstudiedgrace.

LIZA [speaking with pedantic correctness of pronunciation and greatbeautyoftone]Howdoyoudo,Mrs.Higgins?[ShegaspsslightlyinmakingsureoftheHinHiggins,butisquitesuccessful].Mr.HigginstoldmeImight

come.

MRS.HIGGINS[cordially]Quiteright:I'mverygladindeedtoseeyou.

PICKERING.Howdoyoudo,MissDoolittle?

LIZA[shakinghandswithhim]ColonelPickering,isitnot?

MRS.EYNSFORDHILL.Ifeelsurewehavemetbefore,MissDoolittle.Irememberyoureyes.

LIZA.Howdoyoudo? [She sits downon theottomangracefully in theplacejustleftvacantbyHiggins].

MRS.EYNSFORDHILL[introducing]MydaughterClara.

LIZA.Howdoyoudo?

CLARA [impulsively] How do you do? [She sits down on the ottomanbesideEliza,devouringherwithhereyes].

FREDDY [coming to their side of the ottoman] I've certainly had thepleasure.

MRS.EYNSFORDHILL[introducing]MysonFreddy.

LIZA.Howdoyoudo?

FreddybowsandsitsdownintheElizabethanchair,infatuated.

HIGGINS[suddenly]ByGeorge,yes:itallcomesbacktome![Theystareathim].CoventGarden![Lamentably]Whatadamnedthing!

MRS. HIGGINS. Henry, please! [He is about to sit on the edge of thetable].Don'tsitonmywriting-table:you'llbreakit.

HIGGINS[sulkily]Sorry.

Hegoestothedivan,stumblingintothefenderandoverthefire-ironsonhis way; extricating himself with muttered imprecations; and finishing hisdisastrous journey by throwing himself so impatiently on the divan that healmost breaks it. Mrs. Higgins looks at him, but controls herself and saysnothing.

Alongandpainfulpauseensues.

MRS.HIGGINS[atlast,conversationally]Willitrain,doyouthink?

LIZA.Theshallowdepressioninthewestoftheseislandsislikelytomoveslowlyinaneasterlydirection.Therearenoindicationsofanygreatchangeinthebarometricalsituation.

FREDDY.Ha!ha!howawfullyfunny!

LIZA.Whatiswrongwiththat,youngman?IbetIgotitright.

FREDDY.Killing!

MRS.EYNSFORDHILL. I'm sure I hope itwon't turn cold. There's somuchinfluenzaabout.Itrunsrightthroughourwholefamilyregularlyeveryspring.

LIZA[darkly]Myauntdiedofinfluenza:sotheysaid.

MRS.EYNSFORDHILL[clickshertonguesympathetically]!!!

LIZA[inthesametragictone]Butit'smybelieftheydonetheoldwomanin.

MRS.HIGGINS[puzzled]Doneherin?

LIZA.Y-e-e-e-es,Lord loveyou!Why should she die of influenza?Shecomethroughdiphtheriarightenoughtheyearbefore.Isawherwithmyowneyes. Fairly blue with it, she was. They all thought she was dead; but myfatherhekeptladlinggindownherthroattilshecametososuddenthatshebitthebowloffthespoon.

MRS.EYNSFORDHILL[startled]Dearme!

LIZA [piling up the indictment] What call would a woman with thatstrength inherhave todieof influenza?Whatbecomeofhernewstrawhatthatshouldhavecometome?Somebodypinchedit;andwhatIsayis,themaspincheditdoneherin.

MRS.EYNSFORDHILL.Whatdoesdoingherinmean?

HIGGINS[hastily]Oh,that'sthenewsmalltalk.Todoapersoninmeanstokillthem.

MRS.EYNSFORDHILL[toEliza,horrified]Yousurelydon'tbelievethatyourauntwaskilled?

LIZA.DoInot!Themshelivedwithwouldhavekilledherforahat-pin,letaloneahat.

MRS.EYNSFORDHILL.But it can't havebeen right foryour father topourspiritsdownherthroatlikethat.Itmighthavekilledher.

LIZA.Nother.Ginwasmother'smilktoher.Besides,he'dpouredsomuchdownhisownthroatthatheknewthegoodofit.

MRS.EYNSFORDHILL.Doyoumeanthathedrank?

LIZA.Drank!Myword!Somethingchronic.

MRS.EYNSFORDHILL.Howdreadfulforyou!

LIZA.Notabit.ItneverdidhimnoharmwhatIcouldsee.Butthenhedidnotkeepitupregular.[Cheerfully]Ontheburst,asyoumightsay,fromtimetotime.Andalwaysmoreagreeablewhenhehadadropin.Whenhewasoutofwork,mymotherusedtogivehimfourpenceandtellhimtogooutandnotcomeback until he'd drunk himself cheerful and loving-like.There's lots ofwomenhastomaketheirhusbandsdrunktomakethemfittolivewith.[Nowquiteatherease]Yousee,it'slikethis.Ifamanhasabitofaconscience,italwaystakeshimwhenhe'ssober;andthenitmakeshimlow-spirited.Adropof booze just takes that off and makes him happy. [To Freddy, who is inconvulsionsofsuppressedlaughter]Here!whatareyousniggeringat?

FREDDY.Thenewsmalltalk.Youdoitsoawfullywell.

LIZA. If Iwas doing it proper,whatwas you laughing at? [ToHiggins]HaveIsaidanythingIoughtn't?

MRS.HIGGINS[interposing]Notatall,MissDoolittle.

LIZA.Well,that'samercy,anyhow.[Expansively]WhatIalwayssayis—

HIGGINS[risingandlookingathiswatch]Ahem!

LIZA[lookingroundathim;takingthehint;andrising]Well:Imustgo.[Theyall rise.Freddygoes to thedoor].Sopleased tohavemetyou.Good-bye.[SheshakeshandswithMrs.Higgins].

MRS.HIGGINS.Good-bye.

LIZA.Good-bye,ColonelPickering.

PICKERING.Good-bye,MissDoolittle.[Theyshakehands].

LIZA[noddingtotheothers]Good-bye,all.

FREDDY [opening the door for her] Are you walking across the Park,MissDoolittle?Ifso—

LIZA.Walk! Not bloody likely. [Sensation]. I am going in a taxi. [Shegoesout].

Pickering gasps and sits down. Freddy goes out on the balcony to catchanotherglimpseofEliza.

MRS. EYNSFORDHILL [suffering from shock]Well, I really can't getusedtothenewways.

CLARA[throwingherselfdiscontentedly into theElizabethanchair].Oh,it'sallright,mamma,quiteright.Peoplewillthinkwenevergoanywhereorseeanybodyifyouaresoold-fashioned.

MRS. EYNSFORD HILL. I daresay I am very old-fashioned; but I do

hopeyouwon'tbeginusing thatexpression,Clara. Ihavegotaccustomedtohear you talking about men as rotters, and calling everything filthy andbeastly;thoughIdothinkithorribleandunladylike.Butthislastisreallytoomuch.Don'tyouthinkso,ColonelPickering?

PICKERING.Don'taskme.I'vebeenawayinIndiaforseveralyears;andmannershavechangedsomuchthatIsometimesdon'tknowwhetherI'matarespectabledinner-tableorinaship'sforecastle.

CLARA.It'sallamatterofhabit.There'snorightorwronginit.Nobodymeansanythingbyit.Andit'ssoquaint,andgivessuchasmartemphasistothingsthatarenotinthemselvesverywitty.Ifindthenewsmalltalkdelightfulandquiteinnocent.

MRS.EYNSFORDHILL[rising]Well,afterthat,Ithinkit'stimeforustogo.

PickeringandHigginsrise.

CLARA[rising]Ohyes:wehavethreeathomestogotostill.Good-bye,Mrs.Higgins.Good-bye,ColonelPickering.Good-bye,ProfessorHiggins.

HIGGINS[cominggrimlyatherfromthedivan,andaccompanyinghertothedoor]Good-bye.Besureyoutryonthatsmalltalkatthethreeat-homes.Don'tbenervousaboutit.Pitchitinstrong.

CLARA [all smiles] I will. Good-bye. Such nonsense, all this earlyVictorianprudery!

HIGGINS[temptingher]Suchdamnednonsense!

CLARA.Suchbloodynonsense!

MRS.EYNSFORDHILL[convulsively]Clara!

CLARA.Ha!ha![Shegoesoutradiant,consciousofbeingthoroughlyuptodate,andishearddescendingthestairsinastreamofsilverylaughter].

FREDDY [to the heavens at large]Well, I ask you [He gives it up, andcomestoMrs.Higgins].Good-bye.

MRS.HIGGINS[shakinghands]Good-bye.WouldyouliketomeetMissDoolittleagain?

FREDDY[eagerly]Yes,Ishould,mostawfully.

MRS.HIGGINS.Well,youknowmydays.

FREDDY.Yes.Thanksawfully.Good-bye.[Hegoesout].

MRS.EYNSFORDHILL.Good-bye,Mr.Higgins.

HIGGINS.Good-bye.Good-bye.

MRS.EYNSFORDHILL[toPickering]It'snouse.Ishallneverbeabletobringmyselftousethatword.

PICKERING. Don't. It's not compulsory, you know. You'll get on quitewellwithoutit.

MRS. EYNSFORD HILL. Only, Clara is so down on me if I am notpositivelyreekingwiththelatestslang.Good-bye.

PICKERING.Good-bye[Theyshakehands].

MRS. EYNSFORD HILL [to Mrs. Higgins] You mustn't mind Clara.[Pickering, catching fromher lowered tone that this is notmeant forhim tohear,discreetlyjoinsHigginsatthewindow].We'resopoor!andshegetssofewparties,poorchild!Shedoesn'tquiteknow.[Mrs.Higgins,seeingthathereyesaremoist,takesherhandsympatheticallyandgoeswithhertothedoor].Buttheboyisnice.Don'tyouthinkso?

MRS.HIGGINS.Oh,quitenice.Ishallalwaysbedelightedtoseehim.

MRS.EYNSFORDHILL.Thankyou,dear.Good-bye.[Shegoesout].

HIGGINS[eagerly]Well? IsElizapresentable [heswoopsonhismotheranddragshertotheottoman,whereshesitsdowninEliza'splacewithhersononherleft]?

Pickeringreturnstohischaironherright.

MRS.HIGGINS. You silly boy, of course she's not presentable. She's atriumphofyourartandofherdressmaker's;butifyousupposeforamomentthat shedoesn'tgiveherself away inevery sentence sheutters,youmustbeperfectlycrackedabouther.

PICKERING. But don't you think something might be done? I meansomethingtoeliminatethesanguinaryelementfromherconversation.

MRS.HIGGINS.NotaslongassheisinHenry'shands.

HIGGINS[aggrieved]Doyoumeanthatmylanguageisimproper?

MRS.HIGGINS.No, dearest: it would be quite proper—say on a canalbarge;butitwouldnotbeproperforheratagardenparty.

HIGGINS[deeplyinjured]WellImustsay—

PICKERING [interrupting him]Come,Higgins: youmust learn to knowyourself.Ihaven'theardsuchlanguageasyourssinceweusedtoreviewthevolunteersinHydeParktwentyyearsago.

HIGGINS[sulkily]Oh,well, ifyousayso, IsupposeIdon'talways talk

likeabishop.

MRS.HIGGINS[quietingHenrywithatouch]ColonelPickering:willyoutellmewhatistheexactstateofthingsinWimpoleStreet?

PICKERING[cheerfully:asifthiscompletelychangedthesubject]Well,IhavecometolivetherewithHenry.WeworktogetheratmyIndianDialects;andwethinkitmoreconvenient—

MRS. HIGGINS. Quite so. I know all about that: it's an excellentarrangement.Butwheredoesthisgirllive?

HIGGINS.Withus,ofcourse.Wherewouldshelive?

MRS.HIGGINS.Butonwhatterms?Issheaservant?Ifnot,whatisshe?

PICKERING[slowly]IthinkIknowwhatyoumean,Mrs.Higgins.

HIGGINS.Well,dashmeifIdo!I'vehadtoworkatthegirleverydayformonthstogethertoherpresentpitch.Besides,she'suseful.Sheknowswheremythingsare,andremembersmyappointmentsandsoforth.

MRS.HIGGINS.Howdoesyourhousekeepergetonwithher?

HIGGINS.Mrs.Pearce?Oh,she'sjollygladtogetsomuchtakenoffherhands;forbeforeElizacame,shehadtohavetofindthingsandremindmeofmyappointments.Butshe'sgotsomesillybeeinherbonnetaboutEliza.Shekeepssaying"Youdon'tthink,sir":doesn'tshe,Pick?

PICKERING.Yes:that'stheformula."Youdon'tthink,sir."That'stheendofeveryconversationaboutEliza.

HIGGINS.As if I ever stop thinking about the girl and her confoundedvowels and consonants. I'mworn out, thinking about her, andwatching herlips and her teeth and her tongue, not to mention her soul, which is thequaintestofthelot.

MRS.HIGGINS.You certainly are a pretty pair of babies, playingwithyourlivedoll.

HIGGINS.Playing!ThehardestjobIevertackled:makenomistakeaboutthat,mother.Butyouhaveno ideahow frightfully interesting it is to takeahumanbeingandchangeherintoaquitedifferenthumanbeingbycreatinganew speech for her. It's filling up the deepest gulf that separates class fromclassandsoulfromsoul.

PICKERING[drawinghischaircloser toMrs.Higginsandbendingovertohereagerly]Yes:it'senormouslyinteresting.Iassureyou,Mrs.Higgins,wetakeElizaveryseriously.Everyweek—everydayalmost—thereissomenewchange. [Closer again] We keep records of every stage—dozens of

gramophonedisksandphotographs—

HIGGINS [assailing her at the other ear] Yes, by George: it's the mostabsorbingexperiment I ever tackled.She regularly fillsour livesup;doesn'tshe,Pick?

PICKERING.We'realwaystalkingEliza.

HIGGINS.TeachingEliza.

PICKERING.DressingEliza.

MRS.HIGGINS.What!

HIGGINS.InventingnewElizas.

HigginsandPickering,speakingtogether:

HIGGINS.Youknow,shehasthemostextraordinaryquicknessofear:

PICKERING.Iassureyou,mydearMrs.Higgins,thatgirl

HIGGINS.justlikeaparrot.I'vetriedherwithevery

PICKERING.isagenius.Shecanplaythepianoquitebeautifully

HIGGINS.possiblesortofsoundthatahumanbeingcanmake—

PICKERING.Wehavetakenhertoclassicalconcertsandtomusic

HIGGINS.Continentaldialects,Africandialects,Hottentot

PICKERING.halls;andit'sallthesametoher:sheplayseverything

HIGGINS.clicks,thingsittookmeyearstogetholdof;and

PICKERING.shehearsrightoffwhenshecomeshome,whetherit's

HIGGINS.shepicksthemuplikeashot,rightaway,asifshehad

PICKERING.BeethovenandBrahmsorLeharandLionelMorickton;

HIGGINS.beenatitallherlife.

PICKERING.thoughsixmonthsago,she'dneverasmuchastouchedapiano.

MRS.HIGGINS[puttingher fingers inherears,as theyareby this timeshoutingoneanotherdownwithanintolerablenoise]Sh—sh—sh—sh![Theystop].

PICKERING.Ibegyourpardon.[Hedrawshischairbackapologetically].

HIGGINS.Sorry.WhenPickeringstartsshoutingnobodycangetawordinedgeways.

MRS.HIGGINS.Bequiet,Henry.ColonelPickering:don'tyourealizethatwhenElizawalkedintoWimpoleStreet,somethingwalkedinwithher?

PICKERING.Herfatherdid.ButHenrysoongotridofhim.

MRS.HIGGINS.Itwouldhavebeenmoretothepointifhermotherhad.Butashermotherdidn'tsomethingelsedid.

PICKERING.Butwhat?

MRS.HIGGINS[unconsciouslydatingherselfbytheword]Aproblem.

PICKERING.Oh,Isee.Theproblemofhowtopassheroffasalady.

HIGGINS.I'llsolvethatproblem.I'vehalfsolveditalready.

MRS.HIGGINS.No,youtwoinfinitelystupidmalecreatures:theproblemofwhatistobedonewithherafterwards.

HIGGINS.Idon'tseeanythinginthat.Shecangoherownway,withalltheadvantagesIhavegivenher.

MRS.HIGGINS.Theadvantagesof thatpoorwomanwhowashere justnow!Themannersandhabitsthatdisqualifyafineladyfromearningherownlivingwithoutgivingherafinelady'sincome!Isthatwhatyoumean?

PICKERING [indulgently, being rather bored]Oh, thatwill be all right,Mrs.Higgins.[Herisestogo].

HIGGINS[risingalso]We'llfindhersomelightemployment.

PICKERING.She'shappyenough.Don'tyouworryabouther.Good-bye.[Heshakeshandsasifhewereconsolingafrightenedchild,andmakesforthedoor].

HIGGINS. Anyhow, there's no good bothering now. The thing's done.Good-bye,mother.[Hekissesher,andfollowsPickering].

PICKERING[turningforafinalconsolation]Thereareplentyofopenings.We'lldowhat'sright.Good-bye.

HIGGINS [to Pickering as they go out together] Let's take her to theShakespearexhibitionatEarlsCourt.

PICKERING.Yes:let's.Herremarkswillbedelicious.

HIGGINS.She'llmimicallthepeopleforuswhenwegethome.

PICKERING.Ripping.[Bothareheardlaughingastheygodownstairs].

MRS.HIGGINS[riseswithanimpatientbounce,andreturnstoherworkatthewriting-table.Shesweepsalitterofdisarrangedpapersoutofherway;snatchesasheetofpaperfromherstationerycase;andtriesresolutelytowrite.

Atthe third lineshegives itup; flingsdownherpen;grips the tableangrilyandexclaims]Oh,men!men!!men!!!

ACTIV

TheWimpoleStreetlaboratory.Midnight.Nobodyintheroom.Theclockonthemantelpiecestrikestwelve.Thefireisnotalight:itisasummernight.

PresentlyHigginsandPickeringareheardonthestairs.

HIGGINS [calling down to Pickering] I say, Pick: lock up, will you. Ishan'tbegoingoutagain.

PICKERING.Right.CanMrs.Pearcegotobed?Wedon'twantanythingmore,dowe?

HIGGINS.Lord,no!

Eliza opens the door and is seen on the lighted landing in opera cloak,brillianteveningdress, anddiamonds,with fan, flowers, andall accessories.Shecomestothehearth,andswitchesontheelectriclightsthere.Sheistired:herpallorcontrastsstronglywithherdarkeyesandhair;andherexpressionisalmosttragic.Shetakesoffhercloak;putsherfanandflowersonthepiano;and sits downon the bench, brooding and silent.Higgins, in evening dress,with overcoat and hat, comes in, carrying a smoking jacket which he haspicked up downstairs. He takes off the hat and overcoat; throws themcarelesslyonthenewspaperstand;disposesofhiscoatinthesameway;putson thesmoking jacket;and throwshimselfwearily into theeasy-chairat thehearth. Pickering, similarly attired, comes in. He also takes off his hat andovercoat,andisabouttothrowthemonHiggins'swhenhehesitates.

PICKERING. I say:Mrs. Pearcewill row ifwe leave these things lyingaboutinthedrawing-room.

HIGGINS. Oh, chuck them over the bannisters into the hall. She'll findthemthere in themorningandput themawayall right.She'll thinkweweredrunk.

PICKERING.Weare,slightly.Arethereanyletters?

HIGGINS.Ididn'tlook.[Pickeringtakestheovercoatsandhatsandgoesdownstairs.HigginsbeginshalfsinginghalfyawninganairfromLaFanciulladelGoldenWest.Suddenlyhestopsandexclaims]Iwonderwherethedevilmyslippersare!

Elizalooksathimdarkly;thenleavestheroom.

Higgins yawns again, and resumes his song. Pickering returns, with thecontentsoftheletter-boxinhishand.

PICKERING.Onlycirculars, and this coronetedbillet-doux foryou. [Hethrowsthecirculars into thefender,andpostshimselfonthehearthrug,withhisbacktothegrate].

HIGGINS[glancingatthebillet-doux]Money-lender.[Hethrowstheletterafterthecirculars].

Elizareturnswithapairoflargedown-at-heelslippers.SheplacesthemonthecarpetbeforeHiggins,andsitsasbeforewithoutaword.

HIGGINS [yawning again] Oh Lord! What an evening! What a crew!Whatasillytomfoollery![Heraiseshisshoetounlaceit,andcatchessightoftheslippers.Hestopsunlacingandlooksatthemasiftheyhadappearedthereoftheirownaccord].Oh!they'rethere,arethey?

PICKERING [stretchinghimself]Well, I feel abit tired. It's been a longday. The garden party, a dinner party, and the opera!Rather toomuch of agood thing. But you've won your bet, Higgins. Eliza did the trick, andsomethingtospare,eh?

HIGGINS[fervently]ThankGodit'sover!

Eliza flinchesviolently; but they takenonoticeofher; and she recoversherselfandsitsstonilyasbefore.

PICKERING.Were you nervous at the garden party? Iwas. Eliza didn'tseemabitnervous.

HIGGINS.Oh, shewasn'tnervous. Iknewshe'dbeall right.No, it's thestrainofputtingthejobthroughall thesemonthsthathastoldonme.Itwasinterestingenoughatfirst,whilewewereatthephonetics;butafterthatIgotdeadlysickofit.IfIhadn'tbackedmyselftodoitIshouldhavechuckedthewholethinguptwomonthsago.Itwasasillynotion:thewholethinghasbeenabore.

PICKERING. Oh come! the garden party was frightfully exciting. Myheartbeganbeatinglikeanything.

HIGGINS.Yes,forthefirstthreeminutes.ButwhenIsawweweregoingtowinhandsdown,Ifeltlikeabearinacage,hangingaboutdoingnothing.Thedinnerwasworse:sittinggorgingthereforoveranhour,withnobodybutadamnedfoolofafashionablewomantotalkto!Itellyou,Pickering,neveragainforme.Nomoreartificialduchesses.Thewholethinghasbeensimplepurgatory.

PICKERING.You'veneverbeenbrokeninproperlytothesocialroutine.

[Strollingovertothepiano]Iratherenjoydippingintoitoccasionallymyself:itmakesme feel young again.Anyhow, itwas a great success: an immensesuccess. Iwas quite frightened once or twice becauseElizawas doing it sowell.Yousee, lotsoftherealpeoplecan'tdoitatall: they'resuchfoolsthattheythinkstylecomesbynaturetopeopleintheirposition;andsotheyneverlearn.There'salwayssomethingprofessionalaboutdoingathingsuperlativelywell.

HIGGINS. Yes: that's what drives memad: the silly people don't knowtheirownsillybusiness.[Rising]However,it'soveranddonewith;andnowIcangotobedatlastwithoutdreadingtomorrow.

Eliza'sbeautybecomesmurderous.

PICKERING.IthinkIshallturnintoo.Still,it'sbeenagreatoccasion:atriumphforyou.Good-night.[Hegoes].

HIGGINS[followinghim]Good-night.[Overhisshoulder,atthedoor]Putout the lights, Eliza; and tellMrs. Pearce not tomake coffee forme in themorning:I'lltaketea.[Hegoesout].

Eliza tries to control herself and feel indifferent as she rises and walksacrosstothehearthtoswitchoffthelights.Bythetimeshegetstheresheisonthepointofscreaming.ShesitsdowninHiggins'schairandholdsonhardtothe arms. Finally she gives way and flings herself furiously on the floorraging.

HIGGINS[indespairingwrathoutside]What thedevilhave Idonewithmyslippers?[Heappearsatthedoor].

LIZA [snatching up the slippers, and hurling them at him one after theother with all her force] There are your slippers. And there. Take yourslippers;andmayyouneverhaveaday'sluckwiththem!

HIGGINS [astounded]What on earth—! [He comes to her].What's thematter?Getup.[Hepullsherup].Anythingwrong?

LIZA[breathless]Nothingwrong—withYOU.I'vewonyourbetforyou,haven'tI?That'senoughforyou.Idon'tmatter,Isuppose.

HIGGINS.YOUwonmybet!You!Presumptuous insect! Iwonit.Whatdidyouthrowthoseslippersatmefor?

LIZA.BecauseIwantedtosmashyourface.I'dliketokillyou,youselfishbrute.Whydidn'tyou leavemewhereyoupickedmeoutof—in thegutter?YouthankGodit'sallover,andthatnowyoucanthrowmebackagainthere,doyou?[Shecrispsherfingers,frantically].

HIGGINS[lookingather incoolwonder]Thecreature ISnervous,after

all.

LIZA[givesasuffocatedscreamoffury,andinstinctivelydartshernailsathisface]!!

HIGGINS[catchingherwrists]Ah!wouldyou?Claws in,youcat.Howdare you show your temper tome? Sit down and be quiet. [He throws herroughlyintotheeasy-chair].

LIZA[crushedbysuperiorstrengthandweight]What'stobecomeofme?What'stobecomeofme?

HIGGINS.HowthedevildoIknowwhat'stobecomeofyou?Whatdoesitmatterwhatbecomesofyou?

LIZA.Youdon'tcare. Iknowyoudon'tcare.Youwouldn'tcare if Iwasdead.I'mnothingtoyou—notsomuchasthemslippers.

HIGGINS[thundering]THOSEslippers.

LIZA [with bitter submission] Those slippers. I didn't think itmade anydifferencenow.

Apause.Elizahopelessandcrushed.Higginsalittleuneasy.

HIGGINS[inhisloftiestmanner]Whyhaveyoubegungoingonlikethis?MayIaskwhetheryoucomplainofyourtreatmenthere?

LIZA.No.

HIGGINS.Hasanybodybehavedbadly toyou?ColonelPickering?Mrs.Pearce?Anyoftheservants?

LIZA.No.

HIGGINS.Ipresumeyoudon'tpretendthatIhavetreatedyoubadly.

LIZA.No.

HIGGINS. I amglad to hear it. [Hemoderates his tone]. Perhaps you'retired after the strain of the day.Will you have a glass of champagne? [Hemovestowardsthedoor].

LIZA.No.[Recollectinghermanners]Thankyou.

HIGGINS[good-humoredagain]Thishasbeencomingonyou for somedays. I suppose itwasnatural foryou tobe anxious about thegardenparty.But that's all over now. [He pats her kindly on the shoulder. She writhes].There'snothingmoretoworryabout.

LIZA.No.Nothingmoreforyoutoworryabout.[Shesuddenlyrisesandgetsawayfromhimbygoingtothepianobench,whereshesitsandhidesher

face].OhGod!IwishIwasdead.

HIGGINS [staring after her in sincere surprise]Why? in heaven's name,why? [Reasonably, going to her] Listen to me, Eliza. All this irritation ispurelysubjective.

LIZA.Idon'tunderstand.I'mtooignorant.

HIGGINS. It's only imagination.Low spirits and nothing else.Nobody'shurtingyou.Nothing'swrong.Yougotobedlikeagoodgirlandsleepitoff.Havealittlecryandsayyourprayers:thatwillmakeyoucomfortable.

LIZA.IheardYOURprayers."ThankGodit'sallover!"

HIGGINS[impatiently]Well,don'tyouthankGodit'sallover?Nowyouarefreeandcandowhatyoulike.

LIZA [pulling herself together in desperation]What am I fit for?Whathave you left me fit for?Where am I to go?What am I to do?What's tobecomeofme?

HIGGINS [enlightened, but not at all impressed] Oh, that's what'sworryingyou,isit?[Hethrustshishandsintohispockets,andwalksaboutinhisusualmanner,rattlingthecontentsofhispockets,asifcondescendingtoatrivialsubjectoutofpurekindness].Ishouldn'tbotheraboutitifIwereyou.Ishould imagine you won't have much difficulty in settling yourself,somewhereorother,thoughIhadn'tquiterealizedthatyouweregoingaway.[She looksquicklyathim:hedoesnot lookather,butexamines thedessertstandon thepiano anddecides that hewill eat an apple].Youmightmarry,youknow. [Hebites a largepieceoutof the apple, andmunches it noisily].You see, Eliza, all men are not confirmed old bachelors like me and theColonel.Mostmenare themarrying sort (poordevils!); andyou'renotbad-looking; it'squite apleasure to lookatyou sometimes—notnow,of course,becauseyou'recryingandlookingasuglyastheverydevil;butwhenyou'reallrightandquiteyourself,you'rewhatIshouldcallattractive.Thatis,tothepeopleinthemarryingline,youunderstand.Yougotobedandhaveagoodnicerest;andthengetupandlookatyourselfintheglass;andyouwon'tfeelsocheap.

Elizaagainlooksathim,speechless,anddoesnotstir.

Thelookisquitelostonhim:heeatshisapplewithadreamyexpressionofhappiness,asitisquiteagoodone.

HIGGINS [a genial afterthought occurring to him] I daresaymymothercouldfindsomechaporotherwhowoulddoverywell—

LIZA.WewereabovethatatthecornerofTottenhamCourtRoad.

HIGGINS[wakingup]Whatdoyoumean?

LIZA.Isoldflowers.Ididn'tsellmyself.Nowyou'vemadealadyofmeI'mnotfittosellanythingelse.Iwishyou'dleftmewhereyoufoundme.

HIGGINS [slinging thecoreof theappledecisively into thegrate]Tosh,Eliza.Don'tyouinsulthumanrelationsbydraggingallthiscantaboutbuyingandsellingintoit.Youneedn'tmarrythefellowifyoudon'tlikehim.

LIZA.WhatelseamItodo?

HIGGINS.Oh,lotsofthings.Whataboutyouroldideaofaflorist'sshop?Pickeringcouldsetyouupinone:he'slotsofmoney.[Chuckling]He'llhavetopayforallthosetogsyouhavebeenwearingtoday;andthat,withthehireofthejewellery,willmakeabigholeintwohundredpounds.Why,sixmonthsagoyouwouldhavethoughtitthemillenniumtohaveaflowershopofyourown.Come!you'llbeallright.Imustclearofftobed:I'mdevilishsleepy.Bytheway,Icamedownforsomething:Iforgetwhatitwas.

LIZA.Yourslippers.

HIGGINS.Ohyes,ofcourse.Youshied thematme. [Hepicks themup,andisgoingoutwhensherisesandspeakstohim].

LIZA.Beforeyougo,sir—

HIGGINS[droppingtheslippersinhissurpriseathercallinghimsir]Eh?

LIZA.DomyclothesbelongtomeortoColonelPickering?

HIGGINS [coming back into the room as if her questionwere the veryclimaxofunreason]WhatthedevilusewouldtheybetoPickering?

LIZA.Hemightwantthemforthenextgirlyoupickuptoexperimenton.

HIGGINS[shockedandhurt]IsTHATthewayyoufeeltowardsus?

LIZA.Idon'twanttohearanythingmoreaboutthat.AllIwanttoknowiswhetheranythingbelongstome.Myownclotheswereburnt.

HIGGINS.Butwhatdoes itmatter?Whyneedyoustartbotheringaboutthatinthemiddleofthenight?

LIZA.IwanttoknowwhatImaytakeawaywithme.Idon'twanttobeaccusedofstealing.

HIGGINS[nowdeeplywounded]Stealing!Youshouldn'thave said that,Eliza.Thatshowsawantoffeeling.

LIZA.I'msorry.I'monlyacommonignorantgirl;andinmystationIhavetobecareful.Therecan'tbeanyfeelingsbetweenthelikeofyouandthelikeofme.Pleasewillyoutellmewhatbelongstomeandwhatdoesn't?

HIGGINS [very sulky]Youmay take thewholedamnedhouseful if youlike.Exceptthejewels.They'rehired.Willthatsatisfyyou?[Heturnsonhisheelandisabouttogoinextremedudgeon].

LIZA[drinking inhisemotion likenectar,andnagginghimtoprovokeafurthersupply]Stop,please.[Shetakesoffherjewels].Willyoutakethesetoyour room and keep them safe? I don't want to run the risk of their beingmissing.

HIGGINS [furious] Hand them over. [She puts them into his hands]. Ifthese belonged to me instead of to the jeweler, I'd ram them down yourungrateful throat. [He perfunctorily thrusts them into his pockets,unconsciouslydecoratinghimselfwiththeprotrudingendsofthechains].

LIZA[takingaringoff]Thisringisn'tthejeweler's:it'stheoneyouboughtmeinBrighton.Idon'twantitnow.[Higginsdashestheringviolentlyintothefireplace, and turnsonher so threateningly that shecrouchesover thepianowithherhandsoverherface,andexclaims]Don'tyouhitme.

HIGGINS.Hit you!You infamous creature, howdare you accuseme ofsuchathing?Itisyouwhohavehitme.Youhavewoundedmetotheheart.

LIZA[thrillingwithhiddenjoy]I'mglad.I'vegotalittleofmyownback,anyhow.

HIGGINS[withdignity, inhisfinestprofessionalstyle]Youhavecausedmetolosemytemper:athingthathashardlyeverhappenedtomebefore.Iprefertosaynothingmoretonight.Iamgoingtobed.

LIZA[pertly]You'dbetter leaveanote forMrs.Pearceabout thecoffee;forshewon'tbetoldbyme.

HIGGINS[formally]DamnMrs.Pearce;anddamnthecoffee;anddamnyou;anddamnmyownfollyinhavinglavishedMYhard-earnedknowledgeand the treasure of my regard and intimacy on a heartless guttersnipe. [Hegoes out with impressive decorum, and spoils it by slamming the doorsavagely].

Elizasmilesforthefirsttime;expressesherfeelingsbyawildpantomimeinwhichanimitationofHiggins'sexitisconfusedwithherowntriumph;andfinallygoesdownonherkneesonthehearthrugtolookforthering.

ACTV

Mrs. Higgins's drawing-room. She is at her writing-table as before. The

parlor-maidcomesin.

THEPARLOR-MAID [at the door]Mr.Henry,mam, is downstairswithColonelPickering.

MRS.HIGGINS.Well,showthemup.

THEPARLOR-MAID.They'reusingthetelephone,mam.Telephoningtothepolice,Ithink.

MRS.HIGGINS.What!

THE PARLOR-MAID [coming further in and lowering her voice] Mr.Henry'sinastate,mam.IthoughtI'dbettertellyou.

MRS.HIGGINS.Ifyouhad toldmethatMr.Henrywasnot inastate itwouldhavebeenmoresurprising.Tellthemtocomeupwhenthey'vefinishedwiththepolice.Isupposehe'slostsomething.

THEPARLOR-MAID.Yes,maam[going].

MRS.HIGGINS.Goupstairs and tellMissDoolittle thatMr.HenryandtheColonelarehere.AskhernottocomedowntillIsendforher.

THEPARLOR-MAID.Yes,mam.

Higginsburstsin.Heis,astheparlor-maidhassaid,inastate.

HIGGINS.Lookhere,mother:here'saconfoundedthing!

MRS.HIGGINS.Yes,dear.Good-morning.[Hecheckshisimpatienceandkissesher,whilsttheparlor-maidgoesout].Whatisit?

HIGGINS.Eliza'sbolted.

MRS.HIGGINS[calmlycontinuingherwriting]Youmusthavefrightenedher.

HIGGINS.Frightenedher!nonsense!Shewas left lastnight,asusual, toturnout the lights andall that; and insteadofgoing tobed shechangedherclothesandwentrightoff:herbedwasn'tsleptin.Shecameinacabforherthingsbeforeseventhismorning;andthatfoolMrs.Pearceletherhavethemwithouttellingmeawordaboutit.WhatamItodo?

MRS.HIGGINS.Dowithout,I'mafraid,Henry.Thegirlhasaperfectrighttoleaveifshechooses.

HIGGINS [wandering distractedly across the room] But I can't findanything.Idon'tknowwhatappointmentsI'vegot.I'm—[Pickeringcomesin.Mrs.Higginsputsdownherpenandturnsawayfromthewriting-table].

PICKERING [shaking hands] Good-morning, Mrs. Higgins. Has Henry

toldyou?[Hesitsdownontheottoman].

HIGGINS.What does that ass of an inspector say? Have you offered areward?

MRS.HIGGINS [rising in indignant amazement]Youdon'tmean to sayyouhavesetthepoliceafterEliza?

HIGGINS.Of course.What are the police for?What else couldwe do?[HesitsintheElizabethanchair].

PICKERING. The inspector made a lot of difficulties. I really think hesuspectedusofsomeimproperpurpose.

MRS.HIGGINS.Well,ofcoursehedid.Whatrighthaveyoutogotothepolice andgive the girl's name as if shewere a thief, or a lost umbrella, orsomething?Really![Shesitsdownagain,deeplyvexed].

HIGGINS.Butwewanttofindher.

PICKERING.Wecan'tlethergolikethis,youknow,Mrs.Higgins.Whatwerewetodo?

MRS. HIGGINS. You have no more sense, either of you, than twochildren.Why—

Theparlor-maidcomesinandbreaksofftheconversation.

THE PARLOR-MAID. Mr. Henry: a gentleman wants to see you veryparticular.He'sbeensentonfromWimpoleStreet.

HIGGINS.Oh,bother!Ican'tseeanyonenow.Whoisit?

THEPARLOR-MAID.AMr.Doolittle,Sir.

PICKERING.Doolittle!Doyoumeanthedustman?

THEPARLOR-MAID.Dustman!Ohno,sir:agentleman.

HIGGINS[springingupexcitedly]ByGeorge,Pick, it's somerelativeofhers that she's gone to. Somebody we know nothing about. [To the parlor-maid]Sendhimup,quick.

THEPARLOR-MAID.Yes,Sir.[Shegoes].

HIGGINS[eagerly,going tohismother]Genteel relatives!nowweshallhearsomething.[HesitsdownintheChippendalechair].

MRS.HIGGINS.Doyouknowanyofherpeople?

PICKERING.Onlyherfather:thefellowwetoldyouabout.

THEPARLOR-MAID[announcing]Mr.Doolittle.[Shewithdraws].

Doolittleenters.Heisbrilliantlydressedinanewfashionablefrock-coat,withwhitewaistcoatandgreytrousers.Aflowerinhisbuttonhole,adazzlingsilkhat,andpatentleathershoescompletetheeffect.Heistooconcernedwiththe business he has come on to notice Mrs. Higgins. He walks straight toHiggins,andaccostshimwithvehementreproach.

DOOLITTLE[indicatinghisownperson]Seehere!Doyouseethis?Youdonethis.

HIGGINS.Donewhat,man?

DOOLITTLE.This, I tell you.Look at it. Look at this hat.Look at thiscoat.

PICKERING.HasElizabeenbuyingyouclothes?

DOOLITTLE.Eliza!notshe.Nothalf.Whywouldshebuymeclothes?

MRS.HIGGINS.Good-morning,Mr.Doolittle.Won'tyousitdown?

DOOLITTLE[takenabackashebecomesconsciousthathehasforgottenhishostess]Askingyourpardon,ma'am. [Heapproachesherandshakesherproffered hand]. Thank you. [He sits down on the ottoman, on Pickering'sright].IamthatfullofwhathashappenedtomethatIcan'tthinkofanythingelse.

HIGGINS.Whatthedickenshashappenedtoyou?

DOOLITTLE. I shouldn'tmind if it had only happened tome: anythingmighthappentoanybodyandnobodytoblamebutProvidence,asyoumightsay.Butthisissomethingthatyoudonetome:yes,you,HenryHiggins.

HIGGINS.HaveyoufoundEliza?That'sthepoint.

DOOLITTLE.Haveyoulosther?

HIGGINS.Yes.

DOOLITTLE.Youhavealltheluck,youhave.Iain'tfoundher;butshe'llfindmequickenoughnowafterwhatyoudonetome.

MRS.HIGGINS.Butwhathasmysondonetoyou,Mr.Doolittle?

DOOLITTLE.Donetome!Ruinedme.Destroyedmyhappiness.Tiedmeupanddeliveredmeintothehandsofmiddleclassmorality.

HIGGINS [rising intolerantly and standingoverDoolittle]You're raving.You're drunk. You're mad. I gave you five pounds. After that I had twoconversationswithyou,athalf-a-crownanhour.I'veneverseenyousince.

DOOLITTLE.Oh!Drunk!amI?Mad!amI?Tellmethis.Didyouordidyou not write a letter to an old blighter in America that was giving five

millionstofoundMoralReformSocietiesallovertheworld,andthatwantedyoutoinventauniversallanguageforhim?

HIGGINS.What! Ezra D.Wannafeller! He's dead. [He sits down againcarelessly].

DOOLITTLE.Yes:he'sdead;and I'mdone for.Nowdidyouordidyounotwrite a letter to him to say that themost originalmoralist at present inEngland, to the best of your knowledge, was Alfred Doolittle, a commondustman.

HIGGINS.Oh,afteryourlastvisitIremembermakingsomesillyjokeofthekind.

DOOLITTLE.Ah!youmaywellcall it a silly joke. Itput the lidonmerightenough.JustgivehimthechancehewantedtoshowthatAmericans isnot like us: that they recognize and respect merit in every class of life,however humble. Them words is in his blooming will, in which, HenryHiggins,thankstoyoursillyjoking,heleavesmeashareinhisPre-digestedCheeseTrustworth three thousand ayear on condition that I lecture for hisWannafellerMoralReformWorldLeague asoften as they askmeup to sixtimesayear.

HIGGINS.Thedevilhedoes!Whew![Brighteningsuddenly]Whatalark!

PICKERING.Asafethingforyou,Doolittle.Theywon'taskyoutwice.

DOOLITTLE.Itain'tthelecturingImind.I'lllecturethemblueintheface,Iwill,andnotturnahair.It'smakingagentlemanofmethatIobjectto.Whoasked him tomake a gentleman ofme? Iwas happy. Iwas free. I touchedpretty nigh everybody formoneywhen Iwanted it, same as I touched you,Henry Higgins. Now I am worrited; tied neck and heels; and everybodytouchesmeformoney.It'safinethingforyou,saysmysolicitor.Isit?saysI.Youmeanit'sagoodthingforyou,Isays.WhenIwasapoormanandhadasolicitoroncewhentheyfoundapraminthedustcart,hegotmeoff,andgotshut of me and got me shut of him as quick as he could. Same with thedoctors:used toshovemeoutof thehospitalbefore Icouldhardlystandonmylegs,andnothingtopay.NowtheyfindsoutthatI'mnotahealthymanandcan'tliveunlesstheylooksaftermetwiceaday.InthehouseI'mnotletdoahand'sturnformyself:somebodyelsemustdoitandtouchmeforit.AyearagoIhadn'tarelativeintheworldexcepttwoorthreethatwouldn'tspeaktome.NowI've fifty, andnot adecentweek'swagesamong the lotof them. Ihave to live for others and not formyself: that'smiddle classmorality.YoutalkoflosingEliza.Don'tyoubeanxious:Ibetshe'sonmydoorstepbythis:she thatcouldsupportherselfeasybysellingflowers if Iwasn't respectable.Andthenextonetotouchmewillbeyou,HenryHiggins.I'llhavetolearnto

speakmiddle class language from you, instead of speaking proper English.That'swhereyou'llcomein;andIdaresaythat'swhatyoudoneitfor.

MRS.HIGGINS.But,mydearMr.Doolittle,youneednotsufferallthisifyou are really in earnest.Nobody can forceyou to accept this bequest.Youcanrepudiateit.Isn'tthatso,ColonelPickering?

PICKERING.Ibelieveso.

DOOLITTLE [softening his manner in deference to her sex] That's thetragedyofit,ma'am.It'seasytosaychuckit;butIhaven'tthenerve.Whichoneofushas?We'reall intimidated. Intimidated,ma'am: that'swhatweare.WhatisthereformeifIchuckitbuttheworkhouseinmyoldage?Ihavetodyemyhairalreadytokeepmyjobasadustman.IfIwasoneofthedeservingpoor,andhadputbyabit,Icouldchuckit;butthenwhyshouldI,acausethedeservingpoormight aswell bemillionaires for all the happiness they everhas.Theydon'tknowwhathappinessis.ButI,asoneoftheundeservingpoor,havenothingbetweenmeandthepauper'suniformbutthishereblastedthreethousandayearthatshovesmeintothemiddleclass.(Excusetheexpression,ma'am: you'd use it yourself if you had my provocation). They've got youeverywayyouturn:it'sachoicebetweentheSkillyoftheworkhouseandtheCharBydis of themiddle class; and I haven't the nerve for theworkhouse.Intimidated: that'swhat I am.Broke.Bought up.Happiermen thanmewillcallformydust,andtouchmefortheirtip;andI'lllookonhelpless,andenvythem. And that's what your son has brought me to. [He is overcome byemotion].

MRS. HIGGINS. Well, I'm very glad you're not going to do anythingfoolish,Mr.Doolittle.For this solves theproblemofEliza's future.Youcanprovideforhernow.

DOOLITTLE[withmelancholy resignation]Yes,ma'am; I'mexpected toprovideforeveryonenow,outofthreethousandayear.

HIGGINS [jumping up] Nonsense! he can't provide for her. He shan'tprovide for her. She doesn't belong to him. I paid him five pounds for her.Doolittle:eitheryou'reanhonestmanorarogue.

DOOLITTLE[tolerantly]Alittleofboth,Henry,liketherestofus:alittleofboth.

HIGGINS.Well,youtookthatmoneyforthegirl;andyouhavenorighttotakeheraswell.

MRS.HIGGINS.Henry:don'tbeabsurd.IfyoureallywanttoknowwhereElizais,sheisupstairs.

HIGGINS [amazed] Upstairs!!! Then I shall jolly soon fetch her

downstairs.[Hemakesresolutelyforthedoor].

MRS.HIGGINS[risingandfollowinghim]Bequiet,Henry.Sitdown.

HIGGINS.I—

MRS.HIGGINS.Sitdown,dear;andlistentome.

HIGGINS. Oh very well, very well, very well. [He throws himselfungraciouslyontheottoman,withhisfacetowardsthewindows].ButIthinkyoumighthavetoldmethishalfanhourago.

MRS. HIGGINS. Eliza came to me this morning. She passed the nightpartlywalkingaboutinarage,partlytryingtothrowherselfintotheriverandbeingafraidto,andpartlyintheCarltonHotel.Shetoldmeofthebrutalwayyoutwotreatedher.

HIGGINS[boundingupagain]What!

PICKERING [rising also]My dearMrs. Higgins, she's been telling youstories.We didn't treat her brutally.We hardly said a word to her; and weparted on particularly good terms. [Turning on Higgins]. Higgins: did youbullyherafterIwenttobed?

HIGGINS. Just the otherway about. She threwmy slippers inmy face.She behaved in the most outrageous way. I never gave her the slightestprovocation.The slipperscamebang intomy face themoment I entered theroom—beforeIhadutteredaword.Andusedperfectlyawfullanguage.

PICKERING[astonished]Butwhy?Whatdidwedotoher?

MRS. HIGGINS. I think I know pretty well what you did. The girl isnaturallyratheraffectionate,Ithink.Isn'tshe,Mr.Doolittle?

DOOLITTLE.Verytender-hearted,ma'am.Takesafterme.

MRS. HIGGINS. Just so. She had become attached to you both. Sheworkedveryhardforyou,Henry!Idon'tthinkyouquiterealizewhatanythinginthenatureofbrainworkmeanstoagirllikethat.Well,itseemsthatwhenthegreatdayof trialcame,andshedidthiswonderful thingforyouwithoutmakingasinglemistake,youtwosatthereandneversaidawordtoher,buttalked together of howgladyouwere that itwas all over andhowyouhadbeen boredwith thewhole thing.And then youwere surprised because shethrewyourslippersatyou!Ishouldhavethrownthefire-ironsatyou.

HIGGINS.Wesaidnothingexceptthatweweretiredandwantedtogotobed.Didwe,Pick?

PICKERING[shrugginghisshoulders]Thatwasall.

MRS.HIGGINS[ironically]Quitesure?

PICKERING.Absolutely.Really,thatwasall.

MRS.HIGGINS.Youdidn'tthankher,orpether,oradmireher,ortellherhowsplendidshe'dbeen.

HIGGINS [impatiently] But she knew all about that. We didn't makespeechestoher,ifthat'swhatyoumean.

PICKERING[consciencestricken]Perhapswewerealittleinconsiderate.Issheveryangry?

MRS. HIGGINS [returning to her place at the writing-table] Well, I'mafraidshewon'tgobacktoWimpoleStreet,especiallynowthatMr.Doolittleisabletokeepupthepositionyouhavethrustonher;butshesayssheisquitewillingtomeetyouonfriendlytermsandtoletbygonesbebygones.

HIGGINS[furious]Isshe,byGeorge?Ho!

MRS.HIGGINS.Ifyoupromisetobehaveyourself,Henry,I'llaskhertocomedown.Ifnot,gohome;foryouhavetakenupquiteenoughofmytime.

HIGGINS.Oh,allright.Verywell.Pick:youbehaveyourself.LetusputonourbestSundaymannersfor thiscreaturethatwepickedoutof themud.[HeflingshimselfsulkilyintotheElizabethanchair].

DOOLITTLE [remonstrating] Now, now, Henry Higgins! have someconsiderationformyfeelingsasamiddleclassman.

MRS.HIGGINS.Rememberyourpromise,Henry. [Shepresses thebell-buttononthewriting-table].Mr.Doolittle:willyoubesogoodastostepouton the balcony for amoment. I don'twant Eliza to have the shock of yournewsuntilshehasmadeitupwiththesetwogentlemen.Wouldyoumind?

DOOLITTLE.Asyouwish,lady.AnythingtohelpHenrytokeepheroffmyhands.[Hedisappearsthroughthewindow].

Theparlor-maidanswersthebell.PickeringsitsdowninDoolittle'splace.

MRS.HIGGINS.AskMissDoolittletocomedown,please.

THEPARLOR-MAID.Yes,mam.[Shegoesout].

MRS.HIGGINS.Now,Henry:begood.

HIGGINS.Iambehavingmyselfperfectly.

PICKERING.Heisdoinghisbest,Mrs.Higgins.

Apause.Higginsthrowsbackhishead;stretchesouthislegs;andbeginstowhistle.

MRS.HIGGINS.Henry,dearest,youdon'tlookatallniceinthatattitude.

HIGGINS[pullinghimselftogether]Iwasnottryingtolooknice,mother.

MRS.HIGGINS.Itdoesn'tmatter,dear.Ionlywantedtomakeyouspeak.

HIGGINS.Why?

MRS.HIGGINS.Becauseyoucan'tspeakandwhistleatthesametime.

Higginsgroans.Anotherverytryingpause.

HIGGINS[springingup,outofpatience]Wherethedevilisthatgirl?Arewetowaithereallday?

Eliza enters, sunny, self-possessed, and giving a staggeringly convincingexhibition of ease of manner. She carries a little work-basket, and is verymuchathome.Pickeringistoomuchtakenabacktorise.

LIZA.Howdoyoudo,ProfessorHiggins?Areyouquitewell?

HIGGINS[choking]AmI—[Hecansaynomore].

LIZA.Butofcourseyouare:youareneverill.Sogladtoseeyouagain,ColonelPickering.[Heriseshastily;andtheyshakehands].Quitechilly thismorning,isn'tit?[Shesitsdownonhisleft.Hesitsbesideher].

HIGGINS.Don'tyoudare try thisgameonme. I taught it toyou;and itdoesn'ttakemein.Getupandcomehome;anddon'tbeafool.

Elizatakesapieceofneedleworkfromherbasket,andbeginstostitchatit,withouttakingtheleastnoticeofthisoutburst.

MRS.HIGGINS.Verynicelyput, indeed,Henry.Nowomancouldresistsuchaninvitation.

HIGGINS.You letheralone,mother.Lether speak forherself.Youwilljolly soon seewhether she has an idea that I haven't put into her head or awordthatIhaven'tputintohermouth.ItellyouIhavecreatedthisthingoutof the squashed cabbage leavesofCoventGarden; andnow shepretends toplaythefineladywithme.

MRS.HIGGINS[placidly]Yes,dear;butyou'llsitdown,won'tyou?

Higginssitsdownagain,savagely.

LIZA [to Pickering, taking no apparent notice of Higgins, and workingaway deftly]Will you dropme altogether now that the experiment is over,ColonelPickering?

PICKERING.Ohdon't.Youmustn'tthinkofitasanexperiment.Itshocksme,somehow.

LIZA.Oh,I'monlyasquashedcabbageleaf.

PICKERING[impulsively]No.

LIZA[continuingquietly]—butIowesomuchtoyouthatIshouldbeveryunhappyifyouforgotme.

PICKERING.It'sverykindofyoutosayso,MissDoolittle.

LIZA.It'snotbecauseyoupaidformydresses.Iknowyouaregeneroustoeverybodywithmoney.ButitwasfromyouthatIlearntreallynicemanners;andthatiswhatmakesonealady,isn'tit?YouseeitwassoverydifficultformewiththeexampleofProfessorHigginsalwaysbeforeme.Iwasbroughtuptobe just likehim,unable tocontrolmyself,andusingbad languageon theslightest provocation. And I should never have known that ladies andgentlemendidn'tbehavelikethatifyouhadn'tbeenthere.

HIGGINS.Well!!

PICKERING.Oh,that'sonlyhisway,youknow.Hedoesn'tmeanit.

LIZA.Oh,Ididn'tmeaniteither,whenIwasaflowergirl.Itwasonlymyway.ButyouseeIdidit;andthat'swhatmakesthedifferenceafterall.

PICKERING.Nodoubt.Still,hetaughtyoutospeak;andIcouldn'thavedonethat,youknow.

LIZA[trivially]Ofcourse:thatishisprofession.

HIGGINS.Damnation!

LIZA [continuing] It was just like learning to dance in the fashionableway:therewasnothingmorethanthatinit.Butdoyouknowwhatbeganmyrealeducation?

PICKERING.What?

LIZA [stopping herwork for amoment]Your callingmeMissDoolittlethatdaywhenIfirstcametoWimpoleStreet.Thatwasthebeginningofself-respect forme. [She resumesher stitching].And therewere a hundred littlethings younever noticed, because they camenaturally to you.Things aboutstandingupandtakingoffyourhatandopeningdoors—

PICKERING.Oh,thatwasnothing.

LIZA.Yes:thingsthatshowedyouthoughtandfeltaboutmeasifIweresomething better than a scullerymaid; though of course I know you wouldhavebeenjustthesametoascullery-maidifshehadbeenletinthedrawing-room.YounevertookoffyourbootsinthediningroomwhenIwasthere.

PICKERING.Youmustn'tmindthat.Higgins takesoffhisbootsallovertheplace.

LIZA. Iknow. I amnotblaminghim. It is hisway, isn't it?But itmadesuchadifference tome thatyoudidn'tdo it.Yousee, reallyand truly,apartfrom the things anyone can pick up (the dressing and the proper way ofspeaking, and so on), the difference between a lady and a flower girl is nothow she behaves, but how she's treated. I shall always be a flower girl toProfessorHiggins,becausehealways treatsmeasa flowergirl, andalwayswill;butIknowIcanbealadytoyou,becauseyoualwaystreatmeasalady,andalwayswill.

MRS.HIGGINS.Pleasedon'tgrindyourteeth,Henry.

PICKERING.Well,thisisreallyveryniceofyou,MissDoolittle.

LIZA.IshouldlikeyoutocallmeEliza,now,ifyouwould.

PICKERING.Thankyou.Eliza,ofcourse.

LIZA.AndIshouldlikeProfessorHigginstocallmeMissDoolittle.

HIGGINS.I'llseeyoudamnedfirst.

MRS.HIGGINS.Henry!Henry!

PICKERING[laughing]Whydon'tyouslangbackathim?Don'tstandit.Itwoulddohimalotofgood.

LIZA.Ican't.Icouldhavedoneitonce;butnowIcan'tgobacktoit.Lastnight,whenIwaswanderingabout,agirlspoketome;andItriedtogetbackintotheoldwaywithher;butitwasnouse.Youtoldme,youknow,thatwhenachildisbroughttoaforeigncountry,itpicksupthelanguageinafewweeks,and forgets itsown.Well, Iamachild inyourcountry. Ihave forgottenmyownlanguage,andcanspeaknothingbutyours.That'stherealbreak-offwiththecornerofTottenhamCourtRoad.LeavingWimpoleStreetfinishesit.

PICKERING [much alarmed] Oh! but you're coming back to WimpoleStreet,aren'tyou?You'llforgiveHiggins?

HIGGINS[rising]Forgive!Willshe,byGeorge!Lethergo.Letherfindout how she can get onwithout us. Shewill relapse into the gutter in threeweekswithoutmeatherelbow.

Doolittleappearsatthecentrewindow.WithalookofdignifiedreproachatHiggins,hecomesslowlyandsilentlytohisdaughter,who,withherbacktothewindow,isunconsciousofhisapproach.

PICKERING.He'sincorrigible,Eliza.Youwon'trelapse,willyou?

LIZA.No:Notnow.Neveragain.Ihavelearntmylesson.Idon'tbelieveIcouldutteroneof theoldsoundsifI tried.[Doolittle touchesheronher leftshoulder. She drops her work, losing her self-possession utterly at the

spectacleofherfather'ssplendor]A—a—a—a—a—ah—ow—ooh!

HIGGINS[withacrowoftriumph]Aha!Justso.A—a—a—a—ahowooh!A—a—a—a—ahowooh ! A—a—a—a—ahowooh! Victory! Victory! [Hethrowshimselfonthedivan,foldinghisarms,andspraddlingarrogantly].

DOOLITTLE.Canyoublamethegirl?Don'tlookatmelikethat,Eliza.Itain'tmyfault.I'vecomeintomoney.

LIZA.Youmusthavetouchedamillionairethistime,dad.

DOOLITTLE.Ihave.ButI'mdressedsomethingspecialtoday.I'mgoingtoSt.George's,HanoverSquare.Yourstepmotherisgoingtomarryme.

LIZA [angrily] You're going to let yourself down to marry that lowcommonwoman!

PICKERING [quietly] He ought to, Eliza. [To Doolittle] Why has shechangedhermind?

DOOLITTLE [sadly] Intimidated, Governor. Intimidated. Middle classmoralityclaimsitsvictim.Won'tyouputonyourhat,Liza,andcomeandseemeturnedoff?

LIZA. If the Colonel says I must, I—I'll [almost sobbing] I'll demeanmyself.Andgetinsultedformypains,likeenough.

DOOLITTLE.Don'tbeafraid:shenevercomestowordswithanyonenow,poorwoman!respectabilityhasbrokeallthespiritoutofher.

PICKERING [squeezing Eliza's elbow gently] Be kind to them, Eliza.Makethebestofit.

LIZA[forcingalittlesmileforhimthroughhervexation]Ohwell,justtoshowthere'snoillfeeling.I'llbebackinamoment.[Shegoesout].

DOOLITTLE [sitting down beside Pickering] I feel uncommon nervousabouttheceremony,Colonel.Iwishyou'dcomeandseemethroughit.

PICKERING.Butyou'vebeenthroughitbefore,man.YouweremarriedtoEliza'smother.

DOOLITTLE.Whotoldyouthat,Colonel?

PICKERING.Well,nobodytoldme.ButIconcludednaturally—

DOOLITTLE.No:thatain'tthenaturalway,Colonel:it'sonlythemiddleclassway.Mywaywasalwaystheundeservingway.Butdon'tsaynothingtoEliza.Shedon'tknow:Ialwayshadadelicacyabouttellingher.

PICKERING.Quiteright.We'llleaveitso,ifyoudon'tmind.

DOOLITTLE.Andyou'llcometothechurch,Colonel,andputmethroughstraight?

PICKERING.Withpleasure.Asfarasabachelorcan.

MRS.HIGGINS.May I come,Mr. Doolittle? I should be very sorry tomissyourwedding.

DOOLITTLE.Ishouldindeedbehonoredbyyourcondescension,ma'am;andmypooroldwomanwouldtakeitasatremenjouscompliment.She'sbeenverylow,thinkingofthehappydaysthatarenomore.

MRS.HIGGINS [rising] I'll order the carriage and get ready. [Themenrise,exceptHiggins].Ishan'tbemorethanfifteenminutes.[AsshegoestothedoorElizacomesin,hattedandbuttoninghergloves].I'mgoingtothechurchtoseeyourfathermarried,Eliza.Youhadbettercomeinthebroughamwithme.ColonelPickeringcangoonwiththebridegroom.

Mrs.Higginsgoesout.Elizacomestothemiddleoftheroombetweenthecentrewindowandtheottoman.Pickeringjoinsher.

DOOLITTLE. Bridegroom! What a word! It makes a man realize hisposition,somehow.[Hetakesuphishatandgoestowardsthedoor].

PICKERING.BeforeIgo,Eliza,doforgivehimandcomebacktous.

LIZA.Idon'tthinkpapawouldallowme.Wouldyou,dad?

DOOLITTLE[sadbutmagnanimous]Theyplayedyouoffverycunning,Eliza, themtwosportsmen. If ithadbeenonlyoneof them,youcouldhavenailedhim.Butyousee,therewastwo;andoneofthemchaperonedtheother,asyoumightsay.[ToPickering]Itwasartfulofyou,Colonel;butIbearnomalice:Ishouldhavedonethesamemyself.Ibeenthevictimofonewomanafteranotherallmylife;andIdon'tgrudgeyoutwogettingthebetterofEliza.Ishan'tinterfere.It'stimeforustogo,Colonel.Solong,Henry.SeeyouinSt.George's,Eliza.[Hegoesout].

PICKERING[coaxing]Dostaywithus,Eliza.[HefollowsDoolittle].

ElizagoesoutonthebalconytoavoidbeingalonewithHiggins.Herisesandjoinsherthere.Sheimmediatelycomesbackintotheroomandmakesforthedoor;buthegoesalongthebalconyquicklyandgetshisbacktothedoorbeforeshereachesit.

HIGGINS.Well,Eliza,you'vehadabitofyourownback,asyoucall it.Haveyouhadenough?andareyougoingtobereasonable?Ordoyouwantanymore?

LIZA.Youwantmebackonly to pickupyour slippers andput upwithyourtempersandfetchandcarryforyou.

HIGGINS.Ihaven'tsaidIwantedyoubackatall.

LIZA.Oh,indeed.Thenwhatarewetalkingabout?

HIGGINS.About you, not aboutme. If you comeback I shall treat youjustasIhavealwaystreatedyou.Ican'tchangemynature;andIdon'tintendto change my manners. My manners are exactly the same as ColonelPickering's.

LIZA.That'snottrue.Hetreatsaflowergirlasifshewasaduchess.

HIGGINS.AndItreataduchessasifshewasaflowergirl.

LIZA.Isee.[Sheturnsawaycomposedly,andsitsontheottoman,facingthewindow].Thesametoeverybody.

HIGGINS.Justso.

LIZA.Likefather.

HIGGINS [grinning, a little taken down] Without accepting thecomparisonatallpoints,Eliza,it'squitetruethatyourfatherisnotasnob,andthat he will be quite at home in any station of life to which his eccentricdestinymay call him. [Seriously] The great secret, Eliza, is not having badmannersorgoodmannersoranyotherparticularsortofmanners,buthavingthe samemanner for all human souls: in short, behaving as if youwere inHeaven,where thereareno third-classcarriages, andonesoul is asgoodasanother.

LIZA.Amen.Youareabornpreacher.

HIGGINS [irritated] The question is not whether I treat you rudely, butwhetheryoueverheardmetreatanyoneelsebetter.

LIZA[withsuddensincerity]Idon'tcarehowyoutreatme.Idon'tmindyourswearingatme. Idon'tmindablackeye: I'vehadonebefore this.But[standingupandfacinghim]Iwon'tbepassedover.

HIGGINS. Then get out of my way; for I won't stop for you. You talkaboutmeasifIwereamotorbus.

LIZA.Soyouareamotorbus:allbounceandgo,andnoconsiderationforanyone.ButIcandowithoutyou:don'tthinkIcan't.

HIGGINS.Iknowyoucan.Itoldyouyoucould.

LIZA[wounded,gettingaway fromhim to theother sideof theottomanwithherfacetothehearth]Iknowyoudid,youbrute.Youwantedtogetridofme.

HIGGINS.Liar.

LIZA.Thankyou.[Shesitsdownwithdignity].

HIGGINS. You never asked yourself, I suppose, whether I could dowithoutYOU.

LIZA[earnestly]Don'tyoutrytogetroundme.You'llHAVEtodowithoutme.

HIGGINS[arrogant] Icandowithoutanybody. Ihavemyownsoul:myownsparkofdivinefire.But[withsuddenhumility]Ishallmissyou,Eliza.[He sits downnear her on the ottoman]. I have learnt something fromyouridiotic notions: I confess that humbly and gratefully. And I have grownaccustomedtoyourvoiceandappearance.Ilikethem,rather.

LIZA.Well,youhavebothofthemonyourgramophoneandinyourbookofphotographs.Whenyoufeel lonelywithoutme,youcanturnthemachineon.It'sgotnofeelingstohurt.

HIGGINS.Ican'tturnyoursoulon.Leavemethosefeelings;andyoucantakeawaythevoiceandtheface.Theyarenotyou.

LIZA.Oh,youAREadevil.Youcan twist theheart inagirl aseasyassomecouldtwistherarmstohurther.Mrs.Pearcewarnedme.Timeandagainshehaswantedtoleaveyou;andyoualwaysgotroundheratthelastminute.Andyoudon'tcareabitforher.Andyoudon'tcareabitforme.

HIGGINS. I care for life, forhumanity; andyouareapartof it thathascomemywayandbeenbuilt intomyhouse.Whatmorecanyouoranyoneask?

LIZA.Iwon'tcareforanybodythatdoesn'tcareforme.

HIGGINS. Commercial principles, Eliza. Like [reproducing her CoventGarden pronunciation with professional exactness] s'yollin voylets [sellingviolets],isn'tit?

LIZA.Don'tsneeratme.It'smeantosneeratme.

HIGGINS.Ihaveneversneeredinmylife.Sneeringdoesn'tbecomeeitherthehumanfaceorthehumansoul.IamexpressingmyrighteouscontemptforCommercialism. I don't and won't trade in affection. You call me a brutebecauseyoucouldn'tbuyaclaimonmebyfetchingmyslippersandfindingmyspectacles.Youwereafool:Ithinkawomanfetchingaman'sslippersisadisgustingsight:didIeverfetchYOURslippers?Ithinkagooddealmoreofyouforthrowingtheminmyface.Nouseslavingformeandthensayingyouwanttobecaredfor:whocaresforaslave?Ifyoucomeback,comebackforthesakeofgoodfellowship;foryou'llgetnothingelse.You'vehadathousandtimesasmuchoutofmeasIhaveoutofyou;andifyoudaretosetupyourlittle dog's tricks of fetching and carrying slippers againstmy creation of a

DuchessEliza,I'llslamthedoorinyoursillyface.

LIZA.Whatdidyoudoitforifyoudidn'tcareforme?

HIGGINS[heartily]Why,becauseitwasmyjob.

LIZA.Youneverthoughtofthetroubleitwouldmakeforme.

HIGGINS.Would theworld ever have beenmade if itsmaker had beenafraidofmakingtrouble?Makinglifemeansmakingtrouble.There'sonlyoneway of escaping trouble; and that's killing things. Cowards, you notice, arealwaysshriekingtohavetroublesomepeoplekilled.

LIZA. I'm no preacher: I don't notice things like that. I notice that youdon'tnoticeme.

HIGGINS [jumping up and walking about intolerantly] Eliza: you're anidiot.IwastethetreasuresofmyMiltonicmindbyspreadingthembeforeyou.Once for all, understand that I gomyway and domyworkwithout caringtwopencewhathappenstoeitherofus.Iamnotintimidated,likeyourfatherand your stepmother. So you can come back or go to the devil: which youplease.

LIZA.WhatamItocomebackfor?

HIGGINS[bouncinguponhiskneesontheottomanandleaningoverittoher]Forthefunofit.That'swhyItookyouon.

LIZA[withavertedface]AndyoumaythrowmeouttomorrowifIdon'tdoeverythingyouwantmeto?

HIGGINS.Yes;andyoumaywalkout tomorrowifIdon'tdoeverythingYOUwantmeto.

LIZA.Andlivewithmystepmother?

HIGGINS.Yes,orsellflowers.

LIZA.Oh! if I onlyCOULD go back tomy flower basket! I should beindependentofbothyouandfatherandall theworld!Whydidyoutakemyindependencefromme?WhydidIgiveitup?I'maslavenow,forallmyfineclothes.

HIGGINS.Not a bit. I'll adopt you asmydaughter and settlemoneyonyouifyoulike.OrwouldyourathermarryPickering?

LIZA[lookingfiercelyroundathim]Iwouldn'tmarryYOUifyouaskedme;andyou'renearermyagethanwhatheis.

HIGGINS[gently]Thanheis:not"thanwhatheis."

LIZA[losinghertemperandrising]I'lltalkasIlike.You'renotmyteacher

now.

HIGGINS[reflectively] Idon't supposePickeringwould, though.He'sasconfirmedanoldbachelorasIam.

LIZA.That'snotwhatIwant;anddon'tyouthinkit.I'vealwayshadchapsenoughwantingmethatway.FreddyHillwritestometwiceandthreetimesaday,sheetsandsheets.

HIGGINS[disagreeablysurprised]Damnhis impudence![Herecoilsandfindshimselfsittingonhisheels].

LIZA.Hehasarighttoifhelikes,poorlad.Andhedoesloveme.

HIGGINS[gettingofftheottoman]Youhavenorighttoencouragehim.

LIZA.Everygirlhasarighttobeloved.

HIGGINS.What!Byfoolslikethat?

LIZA.Freddy'snotafool.Andifhe'sweakandpoorandwantsme,maybehe'dmakemehappierthanmybettersthatbullymeanddon'twantme.

HIGGINS.CanheMAKEanythingofyou?That'sthepoint.

LIZA.PerhapsIcouldmakesomethingofhim.ButIneverthoughtofusmakinganythingofoneanother;andyouneverthinkofanythingelse.Ionlywanttobenatural.

HIGGINS.Inshort,youwantmetobeasinfatuatedaboutyouasFreddy?Isthatit?

LIZA.NoIdon't.That'snotthesortoffeelingIwantfromyou.Anddon'tyoubetoosureofyourselforofme.IcouldhavebeenabadgirlifI'dliked.I'veseenmoreofsomethingsthanyou,forallyourlearning.Girlslikemecandraggentlemendowntomakelovetothemeasyenough.Andtheywisheachotherdeadthenextminute.

HIGGINS. Of course they do. Then what in thunder are we quarrellingabout?

LIZA [much troubled] I want a little kindness. I know I'm a commonignorantgirl,andyouabook-learnedgentleman;butI'mnotdirtunderyourfeet.WhatIdone[correctingherself]what Ididwasnotfor thedressesandthe taxis: I did it becausewewerepleasant together and I come—came—tocare for you; not to want you to make love to me, and not forgetting thedifferencebetweenus,butmorefriendlylike.

HIGGINS. Well, of course. That's just how I feel. And how Pickeringfeels.Eliza:you'reafool.

LIZA.That'snotaproperanswertogiveme[shesinksonthechairatthewriting-tableintears].

HIGGINS.It'sallyou'llgetuntilyoustopbeingacommonidiot.Ifyou'regoing to be a lady, you'll have to give up feeling neglected if themen youknowdon'tspendhalftheirtimesnivellingoveryouandtheotherhalfgivingyoublackeyes.Ifyoucan'tstandthecoldnessofmysortoflife,andthestrainofit,gobacktothegutter.Worktilyouaremoreabrutethanahumanbeing;andthencuddleandsquabbleanddrinktilyoufallasleep.Oh,it'safinelife,thelifeofthegutter.It'sreal:it'swarm:it'sviolent:youcanfeelitthroughthethickestskin:youcan taste itandsmell itwithoutany trainingoranywork.NotlikeScienceandLiteratureandClassicalMusicandPhilosophyandArt.Youfindmecold,unfeeling,selfish,don'tyou?Verywell:beoffwithyoutothesortofpeopleyoulike.Marrysomesentimentalhogorotherwithlotsofmoney,anda thickpairof lips tokissyouwithanda thickpairofboots tokickyouwith. Ifyoucan'tappreciatewhatyou'vegot,you'dbettergetwhatyoucanappreciate.

LIZA[desperate]Oh,youareacruel tyrant. Ican't talk toyou:you turneverythingagainstme:I'malwaysin thewrong.Butyouknowverywellallthetimethatyou'renothingbutabully.YouknowIcan'tgobacktothegutter,as you call it, and that I have no real friends in theworld but you and theColonel.YouknowwellIcouldn'tbeartolivewithalowcommonmanafteryoutwo;andit'swickedandcruelofyoutoinsultmebypretendingIcould.YouthinkImustgobacktoWimpoleStreetbecauseIhavenowhereelsetogobutfather's.Butdon'tyoubetoosurethatyouhavemeunderyourfeettobetrampledonandtalkeddown.I'llmarryFreddy,Iwill,assoonashe'sabletosupportme.

HIGGINS [sitting down beside her] Rubbish! you shall marry anambassador. You shall marry the Governor-General of India or the Lord-LieutenantofIreland,orsomebodywhowantsadeputy-queen.I'mnotgoingtohavemymasterpiecethrownawayonFreddy.

LIZA.YouthinkIlikeyoutosaythat.ButIhaven'tforgotwhatyousaidaminuteago;andIwon'tbecoaxedroundas if Iwasababyorapuppy. If Ican'thavekindness,I'llhaveindependence.

HIGGINS. Independence? That's middle class blasphemy. We are alldependentononeanother,everysoulofusonearth.

LIZA[risingdeterminedly]I'llletyouseewhetherI'mdependentonyou.Ifyoucanpreach,Icanteach.I'llgoandbeateacher.

HIGGINS.What'llyouteach,inheaven'sname?

LIZA.Whatyoutaughtme.I'llteachphonetics.

HIGGINS.Ha!Ha!Ha!

LIZA.I'lloffermyselfasanassistanttoProfessorNepean.

HIGGINS [rising in a fury] What! That impostor! that humbug! thattoadying ignoramus!Teachhimmymethods!mydiscoveries!You takeonestepinhisdirectionandI'llwringyourneck.[Helayshandsonher].Doyouhear?

LIZA[defiantlynon-resistant]Wringaway.WhatdoIcare?Iknewyou'dstrikeme someday. [He letshergo, stampingwith rageathaving forgottenhimself, and recoils so hastily that he stumbles back into his seat on theottoman].Aha!NowIknowhowtodealwithyou.WhatafoolIwasnottothinkofitbefore!Youcan'ttakeawaytheknowledgeyougaveme.YousaidIhadafinerearthanyou.AndIcanbecivilandkindtopeople,whichismorethanyoucan.Aha!That'sdoneyou,HenryHiggins, ithas.NowIdon'tcarethat[snappingherfingers]foryourbullyingandyourbigtalk.I'lladvertizeitinthepapersthatyourduchessisonlyaflowergirlthatyoutaught,andthatshe'llteachanybodytobeaduchessjustthesameinsixmonthsforathousandguineas. Oh, when I think of myself crawling under your feet and beingtrampledonandcallednames,whenallthetimeIhadonlytoliftupmyfingertobeasgoodasyou,Icouldjustkickmyself.

HIGGINS [wondering at her] You damned impudent slut, you! But it'sbetterthansnivelling;betterthanfetchingslippersandfindingspectacles,isn'tit?[Rising]ByGeorge,Eliza,IsaidI'dmakeawomanofyou;andIhave.Ilikeyoulikethis.

LIZA.Yes:youturnroundandmakeuptomenowthatI'mnotafraidofyou,andcandowithoutyou.

HIGGINS.OfcourseIdo,youlittlefool.Fiveminutesagoyouwerelikeamillstoneroundmyneck.Nowyou'reatowerofstrength:aconsortbattleship.YouandIandPickeringwillbe threeoldbachelors together insteadofonlytwomenandasillygirl.

Mrs. Higgins returns, dressed for the wedding. Eliza instantly becomescoolandelegant.

MRS.HIGGINS.Thecarriageiswaiting,Eliza.Areyouready?

LIZA.Quite.IstheProfessorcoming?

MRS. HIGGINS. Certainly not. He can't behave himself in church. Hemakesremarksoutloudallthetimeontheclergyman'spronunciation.

LIZA.ThenI shallnotseeyouagain,Professor.Goodbye. [Shegoes tothedoor].

MRS.HIGGINS[comingtoHiggins]Good-bye,dear.

HIGGINS.Good-bye,mother.[Heisabouttokissher,whenherecollectssomething].Oh,bytheway,Eliza,orderahamandaStiltoncheese,willyou?Andbuymeapairofreindeergloves,numbereights,andatietomatchthatnewsuitofmine,atEale&Binman's.Youcanchoosethecolor.[Hischeerful,careless,vigorousvoiceshowsthatheisincorrigible].

LIZA[disdainfully]Buythemyourself.[Shesweepsout].

MRS. HIGGINS. I'm afraid you've spoiled that girl, Henry. But nevermind,dear:I'llbuyyouthetieandgloves.

HIGGINS [sunnily] Oh, don't bother. She'll buy em all right enough.Good-bye.

Theykiss.Mrs.Higginsrunsout.Higgins,leftalone,rattleshiscashinhispocket;chuckles;anddisportshimselfinahighlyself-satisfiedmanner.

**

Therestofthestoryneednotbeshowninaction,andindeed,wouldhardlyneed telling if our imaginations were not so enfeebled by their lazydependenceontheready-makesandreach-me-downsoftheragshopinwhichRomance keeps its stock of "happy endings" tomisfit all stories. Now, thehistory of Eliza Doolittle, though called a romance because of thetransfigurationit recordsseemsexceedingly improbable, iscommonenough.SuchtransfigurationshavebeenachievedbyhundredsofresolutelyambitiousyoungwomensinceNellGwynnesetthemtheexamplebyplayingqueensandfascinating kings in the theatre in which she began by selling oranges.Nevertheless,peopleinalldirectionshaveassumed,fornootherreasonthanthatshebecametheheroineofaromance,thatshemusthavemarriedtheheroofit.Thisisunbearable,notonlybecauseherlittledrama,ifactedonsuchathoughtlessassumption,mustbespoiled,butbecausethetruesequelispatenttoanyonewithasenseofhumannatureingeneral,andoffeminineinstinctinparticular.

Eliza,intellingHigginsshewouldnotmarryhimifheaskedher,wasnotcoquetting:shewasannouncingawell-considereddecision.Whenabachelorinterests,anddominates,andteaches,andbecomesimportanttoaspinster,asHigginswithEliza,shealways,ifshehascharacterenoughtobecapableofit,considers very seriously indeed whether she will play for becoming thatbachelor's wife, especially if he is so little interested in marriage that adeterminedanddevotedwomanmightcapturehimifshesetherselfresolutelytodoit.Herdecisionwilldependagooddealonwhethersheisreallyfreetochoose;andthat,again,willdependonherageandincome.Ifsheisattheendof her youth, and has no security for her livelihood, she will marry him

becauseshemustmarryanybodywhowillprovideforher.ButatEliza'sageagood-lookinggirldoesnotfeelthatpressure;shefeelsfreetopickandchoose.She is thereforeguidedbyher instinct in thematter.Eliza's instinct tellshernot to marry Higgins. It does not tell her to give him up. It is not in theslightestdoubtastohisremainingoneofthestrongestpersonalinterestsinherlife. It would be very sorely strained if there was another woman likely tosupplantherwithhim.Butasshefeelssureofhimonthatlastpoint,shehasnodoubtatallastohercourse,andwouldnothaveany,evenifthedifferenceoftwentyyearsinage,whichseemssogreattoyouth,didnotexistbetweenthem.

As our own instincts are not appealed to by her conclusion, let us seewhether we cannot discover some reason in it. When Higgins excused hisindifferencetoyoungwomenonthegroundthattheyhadanirresistiblerivalinhismother,hegavethecluetohisinveterateold-bachelordom.Thecaseisuncommononly to the extent that remarkablemothers areuncommon. If animaginativeboyhasasufficientlyrichmotherwhohasintelligence,personalgrace,dignityofcharacterwithoutharshness,andacultivatedsenseofthebestartofhertimetoenablehertomakeherhousebeautiful,shesetsastandardforhimagainstwhichveryfewwomencanstruggle,besideseffectingforhimadisengagementofhisaffections,hissenseofbeauty,andhisidealismfromhisspecificallysexualimpulses.Thismakeshimastandingpuzzletothehugenumberofuncultivatedpeoplewhohavebeenbroughtupintastelesshomesby commonplace or disagreeable parents, and to whom, consequently,literature,painting,sculpture,music,andaffectionatepersonalrelationscomeasmodesofsexiftheycomeatall.Thewordpassionmeansnothingelsetothem; and that Higgins could have a passion for phonetics and idealize hismother instead of Eliza, would seem to them absurd and unnatural.Nevertheless,whenwelookroundandsee thathardlyanyone is toouglyordisagreeabletofindawifeorahusbandifheorshewantsone,whilstmanyold maids and bachelors are above the average in quality and culture, wecannothelpsuspecting that thedisentanglementofsex fromtheassociationswithwhich it issocommonlyconfused,adisentanglementwhichpersonsofgeniusachievebysheerintellectualanalysis,issometimesproducedoraidedbyparentalfascination.

Now, thoughElizawas incapable of thus explaining to herselfHiggins'sformidablepowersofresistancetothecharmthatprostratedFreddyatthefirstglance,shewasinstinctivelyawarethatshecouldneverobtainacompletegripofhim,orcomebetweenhimandhismother(thefirstnecessityofthemarriedwoman).Toput it shortly,sheknewthat forsomemysteriousreasonhehadnot themakings of amarriedman in him, according to her conception of ahusbandasone towhomshewouldbehisnearest and fondestandwarmestinterest.Evenhadtherebeennomother-rival,shewouldstillhaverefusedto

acceptan interest inherself thatwassecondary tophilosophic interests.HadMrs. Higgins died, there would still have been Milton and the UniversalAlphabet. Landor's remark that to those who have the greatest power ofloving, love is a secondary affair, would not have recommended Landor toEliza.PutthatalongwithherresentmentofHiggins'sdomineeringsuperiority,andhermistrustofhiscoaxingclevernessingettingroundherandevadingherwrathwhenhehadgonetoofarwithhisimpetuousbullying,andyouwillseethat Eliza's instinct had good grounds for warning her not to marry herPygmalion.

And now,whomdidElizamarry?For ifHigginswas a predestinate oldbachelor,shewasmostcertainlynotapredestinateoldmaid.Well,thatcanbetoldveryshortlytothosewhohavenotguesseditfromtheindicationsshehasherselfgiventhem.

Almost immediately after Eliza is stung into proclaiming her considereddetermination not to marry Higgins, she mentions the fact that young Mr.FrederickEynsfordHillispouringouthisloveforherdailythroughthepost.NowFreddyisyoung,practicallytwentyyearsyoungerthanHiggins:heisagentleman(or,asElizawouldqualifyhim,atoff),andspeakslikeone;heisnicelydressed, is treatedby theColonelasanequal, lovesherunaffectedly,andisnothermaster,noreverlikelytodominateherinspiteofhisadvantageofsocialstanding.Elizahasnousefor thefoolishromantic traditionthatallwomenlovetobemastered,ifnotactuallybulliedandbeaten."Whenyougotowomen,"saysNietzsche,"takeyourwhipwithyou."Sensibledespotshavenever confined that precaution towomen: they have taken theirwhipswiththemwhentheyhavedealtwithmen,andbeenslavishlyidealizedbythemenover whom they have flourished the whipmuchmore than by women. Nodoubtthereareslavishwomenaswellasslavishmen;andwomen,likemen,admirethosethatarestrongerthanthemselves.Buttoadmireastrongpersonandtoliveunderthatstrongperson'sthumbaretwodifferentthings.Theweakmaynotbeadmiredandhero-worshipped;buttheyarebynomeansdislikedor shunned; and they never seem to have the least difficulty in marryingpeoplewhoare toogoodfor them.Theymayfail inemergencies;but life isnot one long emergency: it is mostly a string of situations for which noexceptional strength isneeded,andwithwhicheven ratherweakpeoplecancopeiftheyhaveastrongerpartnertohelpthemout.Accordingly,itisatrutheverywhereinevidencethatstrongpeople,masculineorfeminine,notonlydonot marry stronger people, but do not show any preference for them inselectingtheirfriends.Whenalionmeetsanotherwithalouderroar"thefirstlionthinks the lastabore."Themanorwomanwhofeelsstrongenoughfortwo,seeksforeveryotherqualityinapartnerthanstrength.

Theconverseisalsotrue.Weakpeoplewant tomarrystrongpeoplewho

donotfrightenthemtoomuch;andthisoftenleadsthemtomakethemistakewe describe metaphorically as "biting off more than they can chew." Theywanttoomuchfortoolittle;andwhenthebargainisunreasonablebeyondallbearing, the union becomes impossible: it ends in the weaker party beingeitherdiscardedorborneasacross,whichisworse.Peoplewhoarenotonlyweak,butsillyorobtuseaswell,areofteninthesedifficulties.

Thisbeingthestateofhumanaffairs,whatisElizafairlysuretodowhensheisplacedbetweenFreddyandHiggins?WillshelookforwardtoalifetimeoffetchingHiggins'sslippersor toa lifetimeofFreddyfetchinghers?Therecanbenodoubtabouttheanswer.UnlessFreddyisbiologicallyrepulsivetoher, andHiggins biologically attractive to a degree that overwhelms all herotherinstincts,shewill,ifshemarrieseitherofthem,marryFreddy.

AndthatisjustwhatElizadid.

Complicationsensued;buttheywereeconomic,notromantic.Freddyhadnomoneyandnooccupation.Hismother'sjointure,alastrelicoftheopulenceofLargeladyPark,hadenabledhertostrugglealonginEarlscourtwithanairof gentility, but not to procure any serious secondary education for herchildren,muchlessgivetheboyaprofession.AclerkshipatthirtyshillingsaweekwasbeneathFreddy'sdignity,andextremelydistastefultohimbesides.His prospects consisted of a hope that if he kept up appearances somebodywould do something for him. The something appeared vaguely to hisimagination as a private secretaryship or a sinecure of some sort. To hismother itperhapsappearedasamarriage to some ladyofmeanswhocouldnotresistherboy'sniceness.Fancyherfeelingswhenhemarriedaflowergirlwho had become declassee under extraordinary circumstances which werenownotorious!

It is true thatEliza's situationdidnot seemwholly ineligible.Her father,though formerly a dustman, and now fantastically disclassed, had becomeextremelypopular in thesmartestsocietybyasocial talentwhich triumphedover every prejudice and every disadvantage. Rejected by themiddle class,whichheloathed,hehadshotupatonceintothehighestcirclesbyhiswit,hisdustmanship (which he carried like a banner), and his Nietzscheantranscendenceofgoodandevil.AtintimateducaldinnershesatontherighthandoftheDuchess;andincountryhouseshesmokedinthepantryandwasmademuchofbythebutlerwhenhewasnotfeedinginthedining-roomandbeingconsultedbycabinetministers.ButhefounditalmostashardtodoallthisonfourthousandayearasMrs.EynsfordHilltoliveinEarlscourtonanincomesopitiablysmallerthatIhavenotthehearttodiscloseitsexactfigure.He absolutely refused to add the last straw to his burden by contributing toEliza'ssupport.

ThusFreddyandEliza,nowMr.andMrs.EynsfordHill,wouldhavespenta penniless honeymoon but for a wedding present of 500 pounds from theColonel toEliza. It lasteda long timebecauseFreddydidnotknowhow tospendmoney,neverhavinghadanytospend,andEliza,sociallytrainedbyapair of old bachelors, wore her clothes as long as they held together andlooked pretty, without the least regard to their being many months out offashion.Still, 500poundswill not last twoyoungpeople for ever; and theybothknew, andEliza felt aswell, that theymust shift for themselves in theend.ShecouldquarterherselfonWimpoleStreetbecause ithadcometobeherhome;butshewasquiteawarethatsheoughtnottoquarterFreddythere,andthatitwouldnotbegoodforhischaracterifshedid.

NotthattheWimpoleStreetbachelorsobjected.Whensheconsultedthem,Higginsdeclinedtobebotheredaboutherhousingproblemwhenthatsolutionwassosimple.Eliza'sdesiretohaveFreddyinthehousewithherseemedofno more importance than if she had wanted an extra piece of bedroomfurniture.Pleas as toFreddy's character, and themoralobligationonhim toearn his own living, were lost on Higgins. He denied that Freddy had anycharacter,anddeclaredthatifhetriedtodoanyusefulworksomecompetentpersonwouldhavethetroubleofundoingit:aprocedureinvolvinganetlossto the community, and great unhappiness to Freddy himself, who wasobviously intended byNature for such lightwork as amusingEliza,which,Higgins declared, was a much more useful and honorable occupation thanworking in the city. When Eliza referred again to her project of teachingphonetics,Higginsabatednotajotofhisviolentoppositiontoit.Hesaidshewasnotwithintenyearsofbeingqualifiedtomeddlewithhispetsubject;andasitwasevidentthat theColonelagreedwithhim,shefeltshecouldnotgoagainsttheminthisgravematter,andthatshehadnoright,withoutHiggins'sconsent,toexploittheknowledgehehadgivenher;forhisknowledgeseemedto her asmuch his private property as hiswatch: Elizawas no communist.Besides, she was superstitiously devoted to them both, more entirely andfranklyafterhermarriagethanbeforeit.

It was the Colonelwho finally solved the problem,which had cost himmuchperplexedcogitation.HeonedayaskedEliza,rathershyly,whethershehadquitegivenuphernotionofkeepingaflowershop.Sherepliedthatshehadthoughtofit,buthadputitoutofherhead,becausetheColonelhadsaid,thatdayatMrs.Higgins's,thatitwouldneverdo.TheColonelconfessedthatwhenhesaidthat,hehadnotquiterecoveredfromthedazzlingimpressionofthe day before. They broke the matter to Higgins that evening. The solecommentvouchsafedbyhimverynearlyledtoaseriousquarrelwithEliza.ItwastotheeffectthatshewouldhaveinFreddyanidealerrandboy.

Freddy himself was next sounded on the subject. He said he had been

thinkingofashophimself;thoughithadpresenteditselftohispennilessnessasa smallplace inwhichEliza shouldsell tobaccoatonecounterwhilsthesold newspapers at the opposite one. But he agreed that it would beextraordinarily jolly togoearlyeverymorningwithEliza toCoventGardenandbuyflowersonthesceneoftheirfirstmeeting:asentimentwhichearnedhimmanykisses fromhiswife.Headded thathehadalwaysbeenafraid toproposeanythingofthesort,becauseClarawouldmakeanawfulrowaboutastepthatmustdamagehermatrimonialchances,andhismothercouldnotbeexpected to like it after clinging for somanyyears to that stepof the socialladderonwhichretailtradeisimpossible.

This difficultywas removed by an event highly unexpected by Freddy'smother.Clara,inthecourseofherincursionsintothoseartisticcircleswhichwere the highest within her reach, discovered that her conversationalqualificationswereexpectedtoincludeagroundinginthenovelsofMr.H.G.Wells. She borrowed them in various directions so energetically that sheswallowedthemallwithintwomonths.Theresultwasaconversionofakindquite common today.AmodernActs of theApostleswould fill fiftywholeBiblesifanyonewerecapableofwritingit.

PoorClara,whoappearedtoHigginsandhismotherasadisagreeableandridiculousperson,andtoherownmotherasinsomeinexplicablewayasocialfailure, had never seen herself in either light; for, though to some extentridiculedandmimickedinWestKensingtonlikeeverybodyelsethere,shewasacceptedasarationalandnormal—orshallwesayinevitable?—sortofhumanbeing. At worst they called her The Pusher; but to them no more than toherselfhad iteveroccurred thatshewaspushing theair,andpushing it inawrongdirection.Still,shewasnothappy.Shewasgrowingdesperate.Heroneasset, the fact that her mother was what the Epsom greengrocer called acarriage lady had no exchange value, apparently. It had prevented her fromgetting educated, because the only education she could have afforded waseducationwith theEarlscourt greengrocer's daughter. It had ledher to seekthe society of hermother's class; and that class simplywould not have her,becauseshewasmuchpoorerthanthegreengrocer,and,farfrombeingabletoaffordamaid,couldnotaffordevenahousemaid,andhadtoscrapealongathome with an illiberally treated general servant. Under such circumstancesnothingcouldgiveheranairofbeingagenuineproductofLargeladyPark.Andyetitstraditionmadeherregardamarriagewithanyonewithinherreachasanunbearablehumiliation.Commercialpeopleandprofessionalpeopleinasmallwaywereodioustoher.Sheranafterpaintersandnovelists;butshedidnot charm them; and her bold attempts to pick up and practise artistic andliterary talk irritated them. She was, in short, an utter failure, an ignorant,incompetent, pretentious, unwelcome, penniless, useless little snob; andthough she did not admit these disqualifications (for nobody ever faces

unpleasanttruthsofthiskinduntilthepossibilityofawayoutdawnsonthem)shefelttheireffectstookeenlytobesatisfiedwithherposition.

Clara had a startling eyeopener when, on being suddenly wakened toenthusiasmbyagirlofherownagewhodazzledherandproduced inheragushingdesiretotakeherforamodel,andgainherfriendship,shediscoveredthat thisexquisiteapparitionhadgraduated fromthegutter ina fewmonths'time. It shook her so violently, thatwhenMr.H.G.Wells lifted her on thepointofhispuissantpen,andplacedherattheangleofviewfromwhichthelife shewas leading and the society towhich she clung appeared in its truerelation to real human needs and worthy social structure, he effected aconversionandaconvictionofsincomparabletothemostsensationalfeatsofGeneral Booth or Gypsy Smith. Clara's snobberywent bang. Life suddenlybegan tomovewith her.Without knowing how orwhy, she began tomakefriends and enemies. Some of the acquaintances to whom she had been atedious or indifferent or ridiculous affliction, dropped her: others becamecordial. To her amazement she found that some "quite nice" people weresaturatedwithWells,andthatthisaccessibilitytoideaswasthesecretoftheirniceness.Peopleshehadthoughtdeeplyreligious,andhadtriedtoconciliateon that tack with disastrous results, suddenly took an interest in her, andrevealed a hostility to conventional religionwhich she had never conceivedpossible except among the most desperate characters. They made her readGalsworthy; and Galsworthy exposed the vanity of Largelady Park andfinished her. It exasperated her to think that the dungeon inwhich she hadlanguishedforsomanyunhappyyearshadbeenunlockedallthetime,andthatthe impulses she had so carefully struggledwith and stifled for the sake ofkeepingwellwithsociety,werepreciselythosebywhichaloneshecouldhavecome into any sort of sincere human contact. In the radiance of thesediscoveries, and the tumult of their reaction, she made a fool of herself asfreely and conspicuously aswhen she so rashly adoptedEliza's expletive inMrs. Higgins's drawing-room; for the new-born Wellsian had to find herbearings almost as ridiculously as a baby; but nobody hates a baby for itsineptitudes,or thinks theworseof it for tryingtoeat thematches;andClaralostnofriendsbyherfollies.Theylaughedathertoherfacethistime;andshehadtodefendherselfandfightitoutasbestshecould.

WhenFreddypaidavisittoEarlscourt(whichheneverdidwhenhecouldpossiblyhelp it) tomake thedesolating announcement that he andhisElizawere thinkingof blackening theLargelady scutcheonbyopening a shop, hefound the little household already convulsed by a prior announcement fromClarathatshealsowasgoingtoworkinanoldfurnitureshopinDoverStreet,whichhadbeen startedbya fellowWellsian.This appointmentClaraowed,afterall,toheroldsocialaccomplishmentofPush.Shehadmadeuphermindthat, costwhat itmight, shewould seeMr.Wells in the flesh; and she had

achieved her end at a garden party. She had better luck than so rash anenterprise deserved. Mr. Wells came up to her expectations. Age had notwitheredhim,norcouldcustomstalehis infinitevariety inhalfanhour.Hispleasant neatness and compactness, his small hands and feet, his teemingreadybrain, his unaffected accessibility, and a certain fine apprehensivenesswhich stamped him as susceptible fromhis topmost hair to his tipmost toe,proved irresistible. Clara talked of nothing else for weeks and weeksafterwards.Andasshehappenedtotalktotheladyofthefurnitureshop,andthatladyalsodesiredaboveallthingstoknowMr.Wellsandsellprettythingstohim, sheofferedClara a jobon the chanceof achieving that end throughher.

AndsoitcameaboutthatEliza'sluckheld,andtheexpectedoppositiontotheflowershopmeltedaway.Theshopisinthearcadeofarailwaystationnotvery far from the Victoria and Albert Museum; and if you live in thatneighborhoodyoumaygothereanydayandbuyabuttonholefromEliza.

Now here is a last opportunity for romance. Would you not like to beassured that theshopwasan immensesuccess, thanks toEliza'scharmsandherearlybusinessexperience inCoventGarden?Alas! the truth is the truth:theshopdidnotpayforalongtime,simplybecauseElizaandherFreddydidnotknowhowtokeepit.True,Elizahadnottobeginattheverybeginning:she knew the names and prices of the cheaper flowers; and her elationwasunbounded when she found that Freddy, like all youths educated at cheap,pretentious,andthoroughlyinefficientschools,knewalittleLatin.Itwasverylittle,butenoughtomakehimappear toheraPorsonorBentley,and toputhimathiseasewithbotanicalnomenclature.Unfortunatelyheknewnothingelse;andEliza,thoughshecouldcountmoneyuptoeighteenshillingsorso,andhad acquired a certain familiaritywith the languageofMilton fromherstrugglestoqualifyherselfforwinningHiggins'sbet,couldnotwriteoutabillwithoututterlydisgracingtheestablishment.Freddy'spowerofstatinginLatinthatBalbusbuiltawallandthatGaulwasdividedintothreepartsdidnotcarrywithittheslightestknowledgeofaccountsorbusiness:ColonelPickeringhadtoexplaintohimwhatachequebookandabankaccountmeant.Andthepairwerebynomeanseasily teachable.FreddybackedupEliza inherobstinaterefusaltobelievethattheycouldsavemoneybyengagingabookkeeperwithsomeknowledgeof thebusiness.How,theyargued,couldyoupossiblysavemoneybygoingtoextraexpensewhenyoualreadycouldnotmakebothendsmeet?ButtheColonel,aftermakingtheendsmeetoverandoveragain,atlastgentlyinsisted;andEliza,humbledtothedustbyhavingtobegfromhimsooften,andstungbytheuproariousderisionofHiggins,towhomthenotionofFreddysucceedingatanythingwasa jokethatneverpalled,graspedthefactthatbusiness,likephonetics,hastobelearned.

Onthepiteousspectacleof thepairspending theirevenings inshorthandschools and polytechnic classes, learning bookkeeping and typewritingwithincipientjuniorclerks,maleandfemale,fromtheelementaryschools,letmenotdwell.TherewereevenclassesattheLondonSchoolofEconomics,andahumble personal appeal to the director of that institution to recommend acourse bearing on the flower business. He, being a humorist, explained tothemthemethodofthecelebratedDickensianessayonChineseMetaphysicsbythegentlemanwhoreadanarticleonChinaandanarticleonMetaphysicsand combined the information. He suggested that they should combine theLondon School with Kew Gardens. Eliza, to whom the procedure of theDickensiangentlemanseemedperfectlycorrect (as in fact itwas)andnot inthe least funny (which was only her ignorance) took his advice with entiregravity.But the effort that costher thedeepesthumiliationwas a request toHiggins,whosepetartisticfancy,nexttoMilton'sverse,wascalligraphy,andwhohimselfwrote amostbeautiful Italianhand, thathewould teachher towrite. He declared that she was congenitally incapable of forming a singleletterworthy of the least ofMilton'swords; but she persisted; and again hesuddenly threw himself into the task of teaching herwith a combination ofstormy intensity, concentrated patience, and occasional bursts of interestingdisquisition on the beauty and nobility, the august mission and destiny, ofhuman handwriting. Eliza ended by acquiring an extremely uncommercialscript whichwas a positive extension of her personal beauty, and spendingthreetimesasmuchonstationeryasanyoneelsebecausecertainqualitiesandshapesofpaperbecame indispensable toher.Shecouldnotevenaddressanenvelopeintheusualwaybecauseitmadethemarginsallwrong.

Theircommercialschooldayswereaperiodofdisgraceanddespairfortheyoungcouple.Theyseemedtobelearningnothingaboutflowershops.Atlasttheygaveitupashopeless,andshookthedustoftheshorthandschools,andthe polytechnics, and the London School of Economics from their feet forever.Besides,thebusinesswasinsomemysteriouswaybeginningtotakecareof itself. They had somehow forgotten their objections to employing otherpeople.Theycametotheconclusionthattheirownwaywasthebest,andthattheyhadreallyaremarkable talent forbusiness.TheColonel,whohadbeencompelled for someyears tokeepasufficient sumoncurrentaccountathisbankers tomakeup theirdeficits, found that theprovisionwasunnecessary:theyoungpeoplewereprospering.Itistruethattherewasnotquitefairplaybetweenthemandtheircompetitors in trade.Theirweek-endsinthecountrycost themnothing,andsavedthemthepriceof theirSundaydinners;for themotor carwas theColonel's; andheandHigginspaid thehotelbills.Mr.F.Hill, florist and greengrocer (they soon discovered that therewasmoney inasparagus;andasparagus led toothervegetables),hadanairwhichstampedthebusinessasclassy;andinprivatelifehewasstillFrederickEynsfordHill,

Esquire.Notthattherewasanyswankabouthim:nobodybutElizaknewthathe had been christened Frederick Challoner. Eliza herself swanked likeanything.

Thatisall.Thatishowithasturnedout.ItisastonishinghowmuchElizastillmanagestomeddleinthehousekeepingatWimpoleStreetinspiteoftheshop and her own family. And it is notable that though she never nags herhusband, and frankly loves theColonel as if shewerehis favoritedaughter,shehasnevergotoutofthehabitofnaggingHigginsthatwasestablishedonthe fatalnightwhenshewonhisbet forhim.She snapshisheadoffon thefaintestprovocation,oronnone.HenolongerdarestoteaseherbyassuminganabysmalinferiorityofFreddy'smindtohisown.Hestormsandbulliesandderides;butshestandsuptohimsoruthlesslythattheColonelhastoaskherfromtimetotimetobekindertoHiggins;anditistheonlyrequestofhisthatbrings a mulish expression into her face. Nothing but some emergency orcalamity great enough to break down all likes and dislikes, and throw thembothbackontheircommonhumanity—andmaytheybesparedanysuchtrial!—willeveralter this.Sheknows thatHigginsdoesnotneedher, justasherfatherdidnotneedher.Theveryscrupulousnesswithwhichhetoldher thatdaythathehadbecomeusedtohavingherthere,anddependentonherforallsortsoflittleservices,andthatheshouldmissherifshewentaway(itwouldnever have occurred to Freddy or the Colonel to say anything of the sort)deepensherinnercertaintythatsheis"nomoretohimthanthemslippers",yetshe has a sense, too, that his indifference is deeper than the infatuation ofcommoner souls. She is immensely interested in him. She has even secretmischievous moments in which she wishes she could get him alone, on adesertisland,awayfromalltiesandwithnobodyelseintheworldtoconsider,andjustdraghimoffhispedestalandseehimmakinglovelikeanycommonman. We all have private imaginations of that sort. But when it comes tobusiness, to the life that she really leads as distinguished from the life ofdreamsandfancies,shelikesFreddyandshelikestheColonel;andshedoesnot likeHigginsandMr.Doolittle.Galateaneverdoesquite likePygmalion:hisrelationtoheristoogodliketobealtogetheragreeable.