Dumbledore once famously said, “To our newcomers, welcome! To our old hands – welcome back! There is a time for speech making, and this is not it. Tuck in!”

Malhar Local greets all, wizard or Muggle, with this sentiment. Our workforce, comprising over twelve hundred people, has been working tirelessly over the past three months to ensure that Malhar Local is as memorable a college fest as you would ever witness. You can read more about Malhar on the facing page, where we break Malhar down for all those who are unfamiliar with how stuff works.Honestly, I’m at quite a loss as to what I should write about in this editorial. Should I bring out the tissues and pour forth the nostalgia or should I regale you all with my wit and humour (yes, you may add modesty to my key traits)? Should I discuss Malhar and its beautiful people, or my city, or how much I hated ‘Dabangg’?

You’re currently at one of the most popular college festivals in the country. Face it, there are going to be times when you’re stuck in long lines, or taking a breather in the Lounge (LR 24, for the uninitiated), or dreading the long and boring train ride home. This is why we bestow upon you the Raga. Why would you read it when you can check out that hottie in the shorts, you ask? I’ll give you a couple of reasons – 1. It’s awesome. Promise.2. It has stories, articles, snippets, and crosswords on topics ranging from superheroes to fashion.3. It works as protection against the rain. It can also be used as a weapon against those who incur your wrath. 4. It has the event schedule for today and a map of St. Xavier’s for those who are new here. 5. The ghost of LR 42 will haunt you if you don’t (St. Xavier’s is like Hogwarts in more ways than one).6. There’s a sixth reason, but it is hidden deep within some page. Read carefully to find it!

I hope that that’s reason enough to delve into the Raga, something we’ve put a lot of love and effort into making. We like to think we have a little something for everybody. And the only thing we can ask you to do now, without mincing any words, is to tuck in.

Aadi VaidyaChairperson

Vishakha Acharya VCP (Management)

Neishaa Kumaar VCP (Events)

Nikita Kohli VCP (Conclave)

Antara Telang OC Raga

Sonakshi Sharma OC Security

Daniel Rose OC Hospitality

Mrunmayee Satam OC Fine Arts

Blossom D’souza OC ETC

Joel RasquinhaOC Technicals

Wanda Quadros OC Workshops.Inc

Nicholas Noronha OC Marketing

Anuja Kamat OC Souvenirs

Pooja Dewoolkar OC Administration

Varun D’souzaOC Logistics

Arundhati SethiOC IPA

Sneha Vaidya OC WPA

Adith Anande OC Public Relations

Shambhavi Priyam OC Computers

Nandan Krishnaswamy OC Literary Arts

Sheldon FernandesOC Assistance

Shannon FernandesOC Graffix

Raoul GeorgeOC Finance

Neha Lakshman OC Conclave

THE MALHAR BRIGADE

© Deepika Padmanabhan

Antara Telang

Editor-in-chief:Antara Telang

Editors:Deepika Padmanabhan

Fabiola MonteiroKadambari ShahPrthvir Solanki

Terence FernandesWayne D’Cruz

Writers:Abisha Fernandes

Alaric Moras Alefyah PotiaDerrek XavierDwisha HathiFawzia KhanHoni Joshi

Neerja DeodharNikita Mitra

Pranav KuttaiahRavi Khemka

Rohan IchhaporiaSanuli Paralkar Shreya Mathur

Siddharth Parambi

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Why read the Raga, you ask?

“...And then, there is Malhar,” said the Principal, “Some people were honest enough to come up to me and say, ‘Father, we joined Xavier’s for Malhar’.” In my school days, we did have fests, but only upon interrogation would the management grudgingly concede that they existed, and I certainly don’t think anyone joined the school for them. I remember sitting in the college hall for my orientation program, rather stunned by the words. I had just flown in from Bangalore, and I’m a little embarrassed to admit that I had no idea what Malhar was. To a large extent, I still don’t.

Over the last few weeks at St. Xavier’s College, I’ve been bombarded left, right and centre with just one word - Malhar.

Perhaps it is an intricate and effective ground-level information web created by the PR department,

or maybe it’s just the natural curiosity and excitement the whole event creates among all those who have heard of it. Malhar seems to be as much a part of Mumbai as Xavier’s itself.

The theme this year is Malhar Local, celebrating Mumbai. As I walk through the college every day, I see posters, signs and boards, all celebrating the spirit of Mumbai - from the children playing cricket in the narrowest of streets, to the taste of cutting-chai, from the congestion of the local trains, to the conversations with a taxi driver on a long drive.

Malhar seems to me like the pivot on which the college calendar revolves. It seems to me like several colleges come to a standstill to pay tribute to Malhar. It seems to me like the greatest platform which showcases what you have to offer. To all those, new and old, I invite you to join me -- Come

experience a little glimpse of Mumbai, come breathe in a bit of Malhar!

The Malhar Page

We’ve all heard of Puddles, the green and yellow frog, the mascot that ends up being the face of Malhar every year. With all the publicity going to Puddles, no one ever looks at Riddles, the invisible Malhar ghost. Dwisha Hathi interviews the poor chap.

What did you think about the atmosphere in college, in the run-up to Malhar?

The atmosphere was definitely infectious, but considering that I’ve been around for decades, I’m kind of bored of it now. Everything works out well during Malhar, but the workforce goes prematurely grey with the stress it puts on itself. *yawns loudly*

We wish we could be as relaxed as you. Do you think that Malhar is one of the biggest fests in Mumbai?

Yes, it very much is! The number of colleges participating in it every year is proof enough.

For a festival as big as Malhar, would you give credit to the workforce, contingent, or both?

Neither. The sole credit goes to me. With the amount of supervising I do, I think that I deserve the most amount of credit.

What kind of a rapport do you share with Puddles?

(gives a displeased look) Well, I don’t understand this fuss about Puddles. People think he’s cute, but I’ve been around longer than he has. How come he steals the limelight and gains all the prominence?

Umm, er... Riddles, wouldn’t that be because of your invisibility?

Oh, yes, yes. Next question, please!

Do you have any fond memories about Malhar that you’d like to share with our readers?

Once a judge went to use the washroom and I had the time of my life scaring him. I made all sorts of strange sounds, and since I’m invisible, the baffled judge broke into a sweat and ran away!

That’s funny. Thank You Riddles!

(Laughs and leaves the room. Or we think he does.)

Malhar: To The Untrained Eye

Pranav Kuttaiah

1. Find a Raga volunteer and give him/her money. Writers are always broke. #TrueStory

2. If you’re broke, find a Hospitality volunteer and beg for food. Always worth a shot.

3. Find an empty classroom and W.Inc. Their workshops are awesome.

4. Cheer for your contingent. If you’re lucky (read: pretty), our volunteers will throw some freebies your way.

5. Find Puddles. Hug him. You’ll thank us.

RIDDLES, YOU SAY?

Fun Things To Do At Malhar

©Wayne D’Cruz

Wayne D’Cruz

Superman should have been Indian. He would have fit in spectacularly in the ‘Horlicks’ generation of today, being taller, stronger, and sharper than all of Bollywood, the Indian cricket team, and the Parliament respectively.

His stature could have found a comfy spot to hide amongst our population of 1.2 billion. Superman’s parents would have been poor village farmers, who like the rest of their village, were yearning for a son. He would grow up amongst buffaloes and balika vadhus only to leave his nest after a dam is built on his farmland.

The trouble would really start when Superman would emerge in bright, nipple-enhancing lycra, ready to save India Shining. In a country where most public phone booths only let you speak to the operator, Superman would have to change in Sulabh Shochalays every time he went to fill up a pothole.

Authorities would deem his outfit inappropriate and claim

that it was corrupting today’s generation. In retaliation, the Superman girls-only fan club would start a campaign called the Red Chaddi campaign. In order to boost his public appeal, Superman would hire Aamir Khan’s PR team and decide to save the falling rupee by swooshing in the skies in a tricolour cape.

Superman’s love life would definitely have been more eventful. Families and girls would excel in detailing his every move, given their ability to spot a Big Bazaar sale and a shirtless Taylor Lautner within the blink of an eye.

Finally, there also exists a plethora of retirement opportunities for Superman. He could work in Bollywood, participate in Big Boss, stand for elections and finally prove his fame by being frisked at US airports.

If Superman was Indian

Shreya Mathur

The Superhero Page

Imagine this. Nobody is plotting world dominance, nobody wants to destroy the earth, and all evil has been gotten rid of. What in the world will our superheroes do then?

They’ll put their super powers to good use… by getting day jobs. It’s definitely not as glamorous as saving the world, but what options do they have? Think about it, Flash would be the perfect pizza delivery guy. Dominos could have a new tagline: “30 seconds, or free.” The Hulk would probably join a demolition crew and put that size to good use. This would be part time, of course. His other day job would be conducting anger management classes. Cyclops could help The Hulk out once in a while by pulverizing rocks on demolition sites by using the optic blast. Wolverine could make a living by using those adamantium claws to chop meat at butcher shops. Good

old Spider-Man would probably start his very own window cleaning service. Catwoman could start a thriving modeling career by modeling for Whiskas ads (it’s cat food). Superman would win ‘Employee of the Month’ every month at FedEx for being the fastest courier ever. Wonder Woman and her Golden Lasso would be a hit at the FBI for being the most efficient polygraph test ever. Aquaman would be a brilliant life guardand later star in the hundredth installment of Baywatch Batman and Ironman don’t REALLY need day jobs because a) they’re billionaire playboys, and b) they’re awesome.

So would you like to see your favorite superheroes doing normal, everyday jobs? At the risk of getting mobbed by superhero fans, I say it’d be pretty fun!

From Superheroes to Working Class Heroes

Fawzia Khan

© Prthvir Solanki

Hello, all you Kooblizoids. You were the ones who never believed I could march out of my door one day, take that spaceship I built and fly away into the interiors of the Universe. While you grew old, I saw the stars collide and the sun so close, I could touch it. As I approach my last day in this ice-cold cell that these Hoomans of Earth have kept me in, I’m going to tell you how to get to Earth and other planets.

Firstly, you’ll need a spaceship, and those brains you keep in your chest to make one.

Secondly, fly away in it. The Great Planet of Huggajugga will loom on your left, but don’t go there. I REPEAT, DO NOT GO THERE. It’s the Forbidden Land of The Universe and I almost died there, as they have always wanted to taste a Kooblizoid. These Hoomans call it Pluto. They even named a kid’s cartoon character (strange beings children laugh at) after it, and they forced me to star in this movie (strange things adults laugh at) called E.T. Then, you fly to the Valley of Diamonds. It’s the brightest galaxy in the Universe, and you need to take a sharp left from the planet of Saturn to get there. Saturn’s actual name is Wikihoomhoom, but these Hoomans are crazy. They never listen to me when I correct them.

My second-last stop was the Sun, who was grandfather’s old friend. I took the Fork of Maya, (one path leads to Mars and Venus, the other to the Sun) and took a left towards the Sun. I spoke to him for a bit but his rays kept interrupting me. A quick goodbye and I was off to Earth.

It was the bluest thing I’d seen. But these Hoomans are so annoying. The only good thing I did here is learn a new language, English. They feed me weird things, and their offspring are even weirder. Don’t act in a movie if you get here.

Oh, and I was going to write this message in Kooblizoi but stopped myself and wrote it in English instead. Have fun figuring this out.

How to get to Earth and Other Planets

Nikita Mitra

It is said that travel opens your eyes and broadens your mind. However, we are in dire need of means of travel that don’t disgust us to our stomachs and fry our brains à la Mohammed Ali Road. In an era where we have taken to naming our kids after fruits, inspiration is hard to find. But remember, we also live in the times of Harry Potter.

The coolest mode of Potter-travel is Apparition. Muggles (non-magical folk) call it teleportation, but who cares about them anyway? Apparition is apt for short distances, and is useful in urgent situations, like the time you really want to pee but the loo is two rooms away. Besides, wouldn’t you rather talk about the time you left your ear in your classroom than when you ran over someone?

Upset teenagers who have been denied the permission to apparate until they turn eighteen can fly away on their broomsticks. Can you imagine

your college grounds choc-a-bloc with broomsticks ready to zoom away as soon as their owners finish their classes?

Portkeys, for all you Muggles out there, are objects which transport you to your destination instantaneously. All you have to do is hold them. Portkeys could replace BEST buses. I can

visualise hapless passengers jumping over their fellow passengers like trained ninjas in

order to catch the portkey before it leaves.Floo powder is a rather messy way of navigation.

It involves throwing powder into a fireplace and simultaneously specifying your destination. However, with the exception of the fireplace at Rashtrapati Bhavan, not

many exist in India. The only other media I can think of are flushes and sinks. You can

dive into your pot and swim through water that has once been drunk by someone else. Now if only BMC would fix the pipes...

Pottering Around

Shreya Mathur

Trains turn ordinary peace-loving civilians into rabid animals. Case in point: one fine day, I catch the 5 p.m. train from Dadar to Malad. Those of you with weak hearts who cannot stand graphic descriptions of vertically challenged people being suffocated to near-death by old lady arm fat, you may now stop reading.

Entering the train jam-packed with women prepared for war is a Herculean task. I wrestle my way in and hang on for dear life, one leg outside the door. Since communication with the train driver is impossible, the train takes off with a cheerful roar.

We speed past miles of scenic slum landscapes and bare hindquarters. All of a sudden, the clouds decide it’s a good time to empty their celestial bladders and within five minutes, I’m drenched. Then, the train comes to a staggering halt in the middle of nowhere. Years pass. The continental drift brings Australia to South America’s neighborhood. Roaches evolve into a more aesthetically appealing species. And I’m still being smothered by ungodly amounts of arm fat. Thankfully, Mystical Lady Voice announces that we’re approaching Malad station.

All hell breaks loose. Everyone suddenly realizes that if they don’t get down at Malad, they will jumpstart the apocalypse. I tumble out with the crowd and land face first on the platform, but hey, at least all my limbs seem to be intact.

The reason people are willing to pay fifteen times the price to travel in an identical cabin labeled “First Class” is crystal clear to me.

Sanuli Paralkar

Second Class Death Wish

© Deepika Padmanabhan

© Antara Telang

Music and I have an interesting relationship. I have always felt that I have an inner Adele that unleashes itself in my shower-stall performances. However, with the common consensus being that I am attempting to murder baby seals, others in my family have not been quite as keen as I about my performances. So with singing no longer being a viable option for me, I turned to the instrumental section of the musical spectrum, hoping that at least here, my innate talent would flourish. Unfortunately, when my violin teacher ran out screaming, “I swear I’ll refund you, please just cut my ears off!” it was decided that my efforts would be b e s t directed at a different field, preferably one which would not cause anyone any physical pain. Hence, music and I parted ways, occasionally meeting again just to remind ourselves it is a service to society for us to stay away from each other. That was that, I thought.

However, recently, an unwary friend asked me whether I would be willing to join her choir. I shook my head sadly and asked her to spare herself while she could. However, feeling upbeat that someone had even thought to ask me to take part in a musical event, I picked up my iPod and selected the most uplifting music to match my mood. I ended up selecting the oddly named playlist ‘Coolio music is da bomb’.

This got me thinking, wouldn’t it be incredible if we could have music to accompany our moods? Imagine eating lunch, or as is often my case, someone else’s lunch, only to turn around and see a thoroughly confused AR Rahman playing some sort of dramatic music. Surely some bored billionaire could start an NGO with such a purpose, and name it something like ‘Idiotic Charity for the Musically Challenged.’ Hopefully, with a proposition like this, my relationship with music will finally take a turn for the better and the two of us can live happily ever after.

Mood Music

Siddharth Parambi

So you’ve tried everything. You’ve read all the ‘Make Your Video Go Viral for Dummies’ manuals and yet your video has only forty hits (don’t deny it, more than half of them are from your mother’s side of the family). It isn’t the end of the world, my friend. Here are five ways to turn that stupid forty into a super four thousand!

1. Start filming a new video, the old one with forty hits is not good enough. Evidently.

2. Be sure to add in those desi beats no matter how angrez your music is! Just Indianize the entire video – right down from the music to the accent. You’re bound to get a few hits from bored firangs.

3. Content is of utmost importance. You want it to be relevant to the masses. You want to touch their hearts and all that mushy stuff. Try and include a little something about petrol prices, there seems to be a general outrage about that topic these days.

4. Blow everything way out of proportion; exaggerate everything – that always works!

5. If all else fails, just throw in a few Disney theme songs or pictures that will probably get you views from pre-pubescent kids and lonely adults.

Note: This author does not take responsibility for any videos that do not go viral.

How To Make Your Video Go Viral

Abisha Fernandes

I remember the first time I heard the song “Paani da Rang.” I wondered if there really is such a thing as the colour of water. Everybody knows that water is colourless; science has proven that on multiple occasions. So why would anyone write a song about it? I went through my own music playlist and realised that several musicians have this kind of attraction to colours. Whether it’s band names like Maroon 5 or artist names like P!nk or songs like ‘Yellow’ by Coldplay, there is more often than not some reference to a colour. Music and colours may seem to be completely unrelated, but is there a deeper meaning to songs like ‘Geek in the Pink’ by Jason Mraz or band names like Green Day?

This connection doesn’t stop at band names and songs. It’s also the combination of colours and moods through which a few genres of music have emerged. Blue as a colour is known to be peaceful, cold, or depressing. ‘Blues’ as

a genre first originated in the USA at the end of the 19th century, sung by African-American communities when they went to

dance, gamble and sing after a hard day’s work. Along the same lines, as black is notoriously associated with fear, the unknown, and death, the genre ‘Black Metal’ is commonly known as satanic metal.

Like every other field, music also has its exceptions. For example, even though the song by The Beatles is titled ‘Yellow Submarine’, the colour yellow has no real significance to the lyrics.

So, the next time you hear a song which has a colour in its title, or a listen to a band which has a colour-inspired name, think about it. There is probably more to it than meets the eye.

Pause - Colour - Play!

Neerja Deodhar

©Fabiola Monteiro

You are in a local train with barely any room to flick a wrist. You are sweating profusely, with smelly armpits stuck to your face and onion-breath fogging up the entire compartment. Suddenly, your phone starts ringing. Your thoughts immediately turn to the possibility of one of your friends dying and leaving all of their material possessions to you but instead, you are rudely greeted with a loud, “Hello Saar, I am calling on behalf of Life Insurance…” Stuffing the phone back into your pocket, you curse all marketing agents on the planet profusely while plotting ways to get back at them. Here’s a list of the things one could say to those time-squanderers that will have them running around in circles.

1. Say you’re a police officer who’s found the phone on a dead body and request the agent’s immediate presence

at the nearest police station.2. Wait for them to pause for breath

and surreptitiously burst into tears, explaining how you are contemplating suicide because no matter how much salt you put in your curries, your in-laws insist that they’re completely tasteless.

3. Impersonate a dog, cat, or any other loud, bizarre-sounding animal you can think of.

4. Ask them in-depth questions about the product or service and after they’re done explaining it in great detail, apologize and ask them to explain it all over again. Keep repeating until they hang up.

5. Pretend that you do not understand the language they’re talking to you in, ask them for another agent who speaks your language and when transferred to the other one, say that you don’t understand him either.

A call from a marketing agent will never be a waste of time ever again.

how To Deal With Marketing Agents

Alaric Moras

Home to All Things Random

“To be, or not to be,That is the question” quoth he,

The man of overwhelming comedyAnd genuine, heart-touching tragedy.

His name is William John Shakespeare,Born in the quaint little town of Warwickshire.

The greatest literary genius of all time,A great personality, a character sublime.

One fine morning, he set off to stroll,Taking with him a pen and an empty scroll.

In a green meadow he sat in deep contemplation,With thoughts intense looking for inspiration.

Behind a bush in the green meadow,He saw a noisy, dancing shadow.

He went to see who caused the mayhem,Alas! That reckless brute was Eminem!

“Know you not my identity?”, S asked Eminem,“The harbinger of knowledge, that is who I am.I wonder why you insist on sounding so mean,

For soliloquy like that, I have never seen!”

“This is the art of rapping!” Eminem proclaimed with a grin,Shakespeare was sure that Eminem was high on gin!

Said he to Eminem, “Let me teach you to write poetry,”Eminem accepted the challenge and said, “Try me!”

Said Shakespeare, “Jack and Jill went to fetch a pail of water”,Eminem replied, “Happily, they came back with a daughter!”

Shakespeare was furious, but attempted one last try,But Eminem was witty and got away on the sly.

Said Shakespeare, “The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain,”Eminem replied, “I really don’t care, you are sick and vain!”

Shakespeare decided that it was time to lay offAnd started walking homeward, past the meadows thereof.

Shakespeare felt tortured, abused and overrun,Though Eminem found it to be absolute fun!Thereafter Shakespeare swore to never write,

While Eminem flourished and became a star, bright!

So this is what happened when the Literati met the Glitterati,Each in their own world, belonging to a different party.And that, my friends, was what caused the mayhem,

When Shakespeare met Eminem.

When Shakespeare Met Eminem

Rohan Ichhaporia

1. In a crowded place, to make way for yourself. Here, the long ones work better.

2. Find another person with an umbrella and break into an umbrella fight in a public place.

3. Dance with it. It may not look as cool as it does on screen, but you will feel like a boss for a while.

4. Use it as a fashion accessory. They are very ‘in’ at the moment and they make you feel like Sherlock Holmes. True story.

5. Protect yourself from the rain. Ultimately, it is what you bought it for.

Top 5 Ways to Use Your Umbrella

Honi Joshi©Antara Telang

The Rant Page

Three Hindi Serial tropes that make you want to set the television on fire and then put it out with your tears of horrified disgust:

1. Camera Panning/Zooming/Disco-dancing during dramatic

scenes: The truly original moment when the camera repeatedly zooms in on everyone’s faces to reveal frozen expressions of horror/grief/possible case of constipation due to consumption of roadside chaat. I suppose it’s vaguely useful to someone writing his doctoral thesis on the epithelial pores of Indian soap actors.

2. Murderous Mother-in-Law: Yes, we get it. Mothers-in-law come in two flavours: a) Blessed angels who you sing you lullabies to sleep, let you soil their expensive saris with your snotty tears and help you deal with unresolved mommy issues/boy trouble or b) Evil crones who will always complain about the number of spots on your face/rotis and will not hesitate to rain holy hellfire

on your sorry hindquarters and smite you with the power of their maternal-love infused glares should you feed their sons daal that is too watery.

3. Female Empowerment Themes: “Oh my God! Women in India are treated worse than cockroaches! I must rid society

of this deplorable mindset by using my godly producer powers to turn scripts written by a drunken monkey tap-dancing on a keyboard into episodes of a daily soap that

make housewives weep tears of acid because of graphic depictions of violence/child abuse. Then, end it with a pointless platitude and solemnly tell the media how vital

female empowerment is, internally smiling as my TRP climbs towards the sun.”

No. Stop. You’re doing it wrong. Allow me to direct you to the nearest NGO. Or a library,

so you can educate yourself. Or, if all else fails, to the Himalayas, so you can meditate on your

poor life choices.

Hindi Serial Horror

Sanuli Paralkar

Let me hit you right on the head with my problem in life. I’m too thin.

There are times in everyone’s life when they look into the mirror and realize they seek solace in friends, ice-cream and embarrassing Facebook pictures of classmates. For me, the path towards happiness is blocked by elephants weighing as much as Sonakshi Sinha. Everywhere I go, cruel adjectives like ‘voluptuous’ and ‘curvy’ mock me while highly anti-feminist and demeaning Facebook groups like ‘Men prefer meat, dogs like bones’ sprinkle salt over my gravy of mortification.

The entire world rejoices in thinking that my life is a symphony of joy. They watch me beadily as I eat, waiting for me to stop after a couple of carrot sticks. Then they hide in loos, eager to catch me when I stick a finger down my throat. I am doomed to shop in the children’s department where chipmunks half

my age don’t shop any longer. All I can do is walk around aimlessly trying to catch tantalizing glimpses of that elusive

women’s department.It doesn’t stop there. Mindless literature also snubs me. You

know what my one constant observation in chick-lit has been? The nasty heroine always dreads losing her man to someone skinny. Our heroine is, of course, dying to drop those two last kilos and learns to embrace her curves only when the hero compliments them. All her fears vanish when her lover dismisses the skinny vamp as a praying mantis.

But you know what really annoys me? That even after reading this article most of you won’t sympathise with me. Because that

would be like admitting your life sucks.

Envy Me

Shreya Mathur

Hello. I’m your toilet paper. And now it’s my turn to give you some crap.

Do you even know how boring it is to sit on a rung all day long, with nothing to do, till one of you disgusting creatures comes and pulls off some of me and… Oh god, I can’t even watch. This is the worst job ever, and I’ve been dying to

get fired for so long now. I hate the guy who even invented my

concept. I know you all love the guy who invented yours. I could have been used as some

awesome parchment with a secret message on it,

or a document that could’ve helped save the world. Nobody even talks to me in this place. The detergents are always having a pool party, soaping up and having fun. The bucket is always asleep, I don’t really know what his deal is. The commode is always depressed. You should ask him how he feels next time. I promise it’ll be a worse rant than this.

I can’t wait for the day I’ll finish off. I want to see the look of horror on your faces, as you sit there and suddenly realize that I’m gone…there’s too little of me left to use. Oh boy, will I have the last laugh! And I will pat the back of the next toilet roll understandingly, while you throw me into a waste paper bin. Then a new adventure will start, but I’m sure anything will be better than this.

Oh, Crap!

Nikita Mitra

© Prthvir Solanki

So long, and thanks for all the fish!

1)What is the length of Harry’s original wand?•11 inches•11.5 inches•12 inches•12.5 inches

2)What type of broomsticks did Fred and George use?•Cleansweep Five•Nimbus 2000•Cleansweep Seven•Comet 260

3)Which dragon did Cedric Diggory fight in the 4th book?•Hungarian Horntail•Chinese Fireball•Common Welsh Green•Swedish Short-Snout

4)What page does Snape ask the students to turn to while covering for Lupin’s class?

•392•249•394•326

5)There is a program designed that is supposedly able to teach squibs how to use magic. What is the name of this program?

•Wizspell•Kwikspell•The Muggle’s Guide to being a Squib•Poof!

HARRY POTTER QUIZ!

GENIUS MUCH? There once was a boy who stared at all the _retty girls he saw. One day he go_ slapped s_ hard he _urned into a walrus. Like, _ really pretty walrus. So then all the b_y walruses stared at him. What a pity. Hint: - - - - - -

Did you get it? Good. Now feel good about yourself.

SOLVE THE MAZE!

Aries: If you value your life, do not enter any elevator today. Seriously.

Capricorn: Your significant other will leave you. Indulge in 4 scoops of chocolate-chip ice cream.

Gemini: Today you shall commit a serious fashion faux pas. Watch a Doctor Who episode to save your social life.

Pisces: Today the assassins are set to succeed. Wear a hat to foil them.

Sagittarius: You are literally the most awesome human being on the entire planet. Good job.

Taurus: You have the desire to beat up an idiot. Don’t be foolish. Correct his grammar instead.

Leo: A long-lost cousin has left you millions in his will. Too bad he isn’t dead yet.

Cancer: Today you will be forced to listen to ‘Baby’ and ‘Friday’ on repeat. My condolences.

Virgo: You will have a bad hair day today. You will also eat a fly. Sucks to be you.

Libra: Virar locals will not be too kind to you on this day. Godspeed.

Aquarius: Your curiosity to know the details of your neighbour’s stormy love affair will lead to your downfall.

Scorpio: Confused is your middle name today. Take the easy way out, just flip a coin.

RAGA FORESEES

©Terence Fernandes

11 inches, Cleansweep 5, Swedish Short- Snout, 394, Kwikspell.

-Abisha Fernandes

-Fawzia Khan-Terence Fernandes