stoffragette newsletter, issue 25 - july 2013

7/28/2019 Stoffragette Newsletter, Issue 25 - July 2013

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This story isa lovestory. Itsnot a storyof any

unusuallove, or aparticularlyinteresting

love; but to understand theactions undertaken by the lovers,one has to understand the lovethat they shared. It starts rathersimply, one sad and angry cat,feeling cheated and alone, ran

into another cat of a similaremotional state, love at first sight.They talked for a while and eachrealised that the other couldrelieve the anger and the sadnessfrom their lives and therefore saveeach other. So they made a plan,and this is where the storybecomes important. Up till nowIm sure that you, reader, arebored, uninterested by the anticsof cats, but if I were to tell youthat one of our lover cats wasBiscuit, competitor in the Quad-Kitty Cup, and the other wasFelimort, archenemy of Stoff andHairy Plotter, Im sure that youwould lose all sympathy for thelovers. But I think that it is

necessary to see the story from adifferent point of view, although Iwould like to state for the recordthat I am a devout Stoffragette to

my core, I feel that before one can judge the actions of Biscuit, onemust know the events leading upto his actions.After his defeat in the second task,

Biscuit was furious; he was sureHairy had cheated and theStoffragettes had set up the entirething so that Hairy would win. Hesloped off to the North Side of theWoods, where he knew the thirdtask was being set up he feltthat if Hairy was getting the upperhand, he deserved to get a peekso that he too, knew what to

prepare for. He rounded anenormous tree and came face toface with the maze: a great,looming maze, towering overBiscuit and seeming utterlyimpossible to negotiate. Hestaggered backwards and fellthrough a concealed hole at thebase of the tree, landing on a pileof leaves. He got up, shook off theleaves and walked up a slopegoing into the tree itself, itseemed that it was hollow (LT oninvestigation, I believe this tree tobe the Chamber of Fud-Fud, theplace where Hairy defeated

Felimort for the second time nowturned int o Felimorts lair) andprovided a huge chamber on theinside. He walked in cautiously,gazing at everything around him,this was truly amazing! At first he

didnt see the tortoiseshell cat inthe shadows; in fact, he only sawher when she came lungingtowards him, claws and teethbared. She pinned Biscuit to theground and spat at him,What are you doing here? shesnarled, No cat can enter herewithout my express permissionand I dont believe that I would

ever give a moggy like you mypermission! At this Biscuit began to sob, hisworld was falling apart: hed lostyet another task in the Cup andsuffered a huge let down aftergaining an amazing, secret placeand hed been beaten up andshouted at by a girl. But as helooked into her eyes, a strangething began to happen; his worldsuddenly felt a lot better for herhaving been in it. As he looked ather tricolour face, he felt all thepieces of the puzzle of his life falltogether; there was nothing hecould do about it. He realised thatshe was in the right and he hadtrespassed on her property and

he knew that upsetting the love of his life was hardly going toimprove her opinion of him. So hesaid I am terribly sorry, madam, I

July 2013 Issue 25

SPECIAL EDITION

STOFFRAGETTE NEWSLETTER

HAIRY PLOTTER AND THE GOBLET OFMILK Part 8By Lancastria Theodora


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Email address [email protected] Please Visit our Facebook page! RSPCA Cruelty Hotline -0300 1234 999

STOFFRAGETTE NEWSLETTER July 2013 Issue 25

did not mean to trespass, I shallleave you in peace. I was onlylooking at the monstrosity of amaze outside your tree. Heturned and began to walk away.As his tail flicked out of the door,

he heard the beautiful cat cry,Wait! Do you know what that isall about? She looked frightened.Lets look at Felimorts story from the beginning: she had been outwalking when a rather annoyingfat, black cat began to pester herabout joining his club. She lost hertemper and lashed out, scratchinghim on the leg. He, quite fairly,took offence and tried to getrevenge for what he perceived tobe an unprovoked attack. And sothe feud began. This fat, black catsent out another to take his place,this cat stole Felimorts furrystone and defeated her again inthe Chamber of Fud-Fud, leavingher feeling quite disgraced. Her

friends left her after her seconddefeat, calling her a humiliation tothe name of cat. So she had lainlow in the Chamber of Fud-Fud,slowly eating her way through thevast amount of delicious cat foodwhen someone had the audacityto grow a dirty great hedge nextto her house. And then, the strawthat broke the camels back, a

gorgeous (not that shed admit it)

white, fluffy cat walked into herhouse and with the feelings thathe ignited which were veryunfamiliar to Felimort, she simplydidnt know what to do. Turning around, Biscuit replied,Its for the Quad -Kitty Cup, thethird task in which the cheatingStoffragettes competitor HairyPlotter will be sure to win. I wasonly trying to see if I could get theupper paw for a change, becomelevel with Hairy and have a verygood chance of winning. Did you say The Stoffragettesand Hairy Plotter? I hate thatstupid Stoff and his ridiculous fanclub. Plus his silly little mascot. Iwill help you, little moggy, I would

like nothing better than to exposethem all for what they truly are. And so their plan was ignited;Biscuit would plant one of Felimorts old allegiance coins inthe maze and make sure thatHairy found it, he would also leadHairy into danger wheneverpossible. He did not wish to harmthe other cats, in his eyes, theyhad lost the last tasks whichproved their innocence. He wouldallow Hairy to get to the centre of the maze first it was Felimortthat thought of this, Biscuit didntagree but Felimort insisted that if Biscuit won and Hairy fell, it wouldlook very suspicious. In addition tothis, Felimort planted X-Ray

glasses in the hedge near Biscuitsentrance to the maze, so that hecould know exactly where Hairywas in the maze which would aid

greatly in his plan. As the plangrew, Biscuit a nd Felimortsaffection for each other grew also,they decided that after this plothad been executed and theStoffragettes had fallen once and

for all they would run awaytogether. And, indeed, this planwent very well, Hairy found thecoin and, ignorant of itsimplications, kept it with him untilhe won, which he did. I would liketo add at this point that, later on,Biscuit said that he had beengreatly upset when Dasher wasdefeated in the maze, and as hebelieved this to be another set upby the Stoffragettes to bring downthe competition so Hairy couldwin, this spurred him on evenmore to defeat the Stoffragettes.He also said that he did not wantto sully the name of the BlueCross; the organisation for whichhe was competing had absolutely

no idea o f Biscuits plans. Back tothe story, the coin was found inHairys paw and Hairy wasimprisoned for working forFelimort to destroy theStoffragettes. The otherorganisations competing in theCup were furious with Stoff, forthey too believed foul-play wasinvolved and that they had been

in alliance with Felimort all alongand had used Felimorts genius towin the competition. Biscuit wasawarded the Goblet of Milk, beingthe cat closest to the centre whenHairy won, and Dasher wasrevived with Tiny by his side. Stoff was imprisoned with Hairy until hecould prove that the Stoffragetteshadnt cheated (which happenedreasonably quickly in all the timethat Stoff wasnt with theorganising committee withrepresentatives from the other


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organisations he had witnessesproving that he was eithersleeping or eating.) It was whenthe cleaner-cats found the X-Rayglasses in the hedge (thrown inwhen the kites had come to

collect Biscuit) that it all fell apart.Fur that was undoubtedly Biscuitswas on the glasses and a notefrom Felimort herself was pinnedon the strap Good luck, mydarling, I know you can succeedFxx proved that it was really aset up by Biscuit. Whenconfronted, he admitted toeverything, hed always been a

terrible liar and now he neverbothered trying to lie. He told thepolice-cats that he did it for love,and as he was arrested fortreason, he shouted that Felimortwould find him whatever

happened. The tree that Biscuithad told the officials about wasfound, abandoned, with a noteaddressed to Stoff in the centre Now its personal , be afraid, F . And now I ask you, dear reader, tonot feel too sorry for Biscuit, hislife is very pleasant if notunrestricted, he lives as a farm catin Stoffs local farm, catching mice

and sleeping in a warm barn.Although he is constantly watchedby diligent Stoffragettes so that hecant escape and he misses hislove, he is quite content.

a dog like that deserves a medal(or a treat!)

Do you suffer from boredom in the holidays? Well, just follow this simple guide andyour days will brighten up!

Watch a good movie (We recommend Underdog, Alpha and Omega or Beverley HillsChihuahua) (Or Eight below if you feel like crying!)Save some of your dinner from last night and then bury it in the garden. Then wait a dayand see if you can find it again! ( !Caution! It gets messy!)See how many pigeons you can surprise and chase out of your garden. If you do manageto catch it then its an added bonus! See if you can catch your tail. Its a fun for all game and its really addicting! Plus if youhave just eaten....well then its dinner 2 is served!

Pretend to be an archaeologist! Dig round your garden to look for bones!Be an artist. Find a mud puddle of your chosen colour, dip your paws in it and voila! Walk around the house

(beds give the best effect!) and create beautiful patternsSee how many treats you can get from your owner by performing

little tricks like puppy -dog eyes (that one always gets the treats!) Curl up in front of the fire in the evening and just chillax!

Simba and Tims Guide to the Summer Yourpets boredom busters!

By Simba and Tim


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Brace yourselves, summer iscoming! And that means youhave finished your menial

examinations and revision, andare left with plenty of time onyour hands. You may or may nothave noticed, but we pets do likethe affection and fun which canbe derived from slaves, as well astheir primary function asproviders of food. So it is onlylogical that you use yournewfound leisure to make up forthe time you wasted on work,

when you could have beenserving us! Here are some ideasas to how you could spend yoursummer with your beloved pets:

1) If your pet likes to go forwalkies (primarily dogs; we catsgenerally do not concernourselves with roaming landother than our own), then takeus to the local park, recreation

ground, or hill and give us thatfreedom to run wild you knowwe so love.

2) While youre in the park withyour pet, you have the perfect

opportunity to get some exercisein for both of you! Take aFrisbee, ball, or other retrievable

object, and throw it for us tofetch. And NO, this is not an actof obedience. But catching anobject weve thrown ourselves isboring. And impossible. So weneed our slaves to obey andthrow them on our behalf.

3) We dont only love to play inparks its just as fun at home.My personal favourite way of

playing at home is to chase thosepesky Nerf bullets my slavesthrow and shoot just how dothey travel so far when theyre sosmall? As a slave, you shouldknow how your pet likes to play,so if for example they like topractise their hunting skills on aball of yarn, ensure they haveyarn available to them at alltimes!

4) Summer brings long, hot daysperfect for lazing in the sun. If you see your pet soaking in theheated rays of the sun, jointhem! Youll provide your pet

with the company of their slave,and you will have the benefit of gaining a tan. Win-win situation.

5) If you are a goodphotographer, make use of thenaturally good lighting and havea pet photo-shoot! We petsKNOW we look good, and ourattitudes make us bigger divas bynature than human top models.Were purrfect.

These are just a few ideas of things you could do with yourpets over summer that are sureto be fun for you and yourcherished pet. However youdecide to spend your summer,spend it wisely. As a slave. Withus.

Farewell!

Your roving reporter....TheVelvet Paw Reports for thisMonths Magazine..... The Velvet Paw investigates..The Secret Life of The Cat The Velvet Paw was very curiousto hear about a programmededicated to the Cat made by theBBC. So decided to watch it,hoping that the Cat would beshown as the wonderful, purrfectcreature that we all know the Catto be.However, imagine the VelvetPaw s shock to discover that thisprogramme was all about the

human perceived superiorityover the Cat!Cats were put forward by theirSlaves for this humiliation. EachCat had a large GPS (I think thismeans Global Purring System)attached to them by some formof collar, this was designed tofollow the Cats purrs round thearea in which they lived. Whatinsolence! What interference,what about Civil Liberties forCats! Disgusting! Would humanslike us to attach a GPS (in theircase Global Person System) tofind out where they were at alltimes? Then on top of this

humiliation they attached acamera to some poorunfortunates! These cats really

sufferedthe cameras attachedto them were HUGE. Thisallowed us to see really purrsonalspace whiskers, bath time, andsome poor soul being chased!

Wombles Guide to the Summer Your boredombusters!

By the Velvet Paworizon Kitties Caught on Camera

By Womble


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This was not fair and reallycannot be condoned. Then, as if not content with this, there wasa competition for which Catcould get the best catch of theday! Not to be toleratedwe,each, in our own way catch what

we like and it should not bepublicised. I was very happy tohear that one Cat sicked up hiscatch all over the neighboursgarden to show his contempt forthis! Go CAT! I think the Cat thatbrought in the single large eyefailed in their attempt to get themessage over of We areWatching YOU! as this catchwas treated with utter distain by

the Slaves.I am now trying to get the sametreatment given out to ourSlaves, I want to know what theydo when they leave the houseevery day. I want to know whathouses they go into, what theycatch and I would love to seethem at bath time as I do notunderstand why any Slave wouldwant to get wet, but am

interested to watch.

I have just visited the web siteand found this disturbing CV of Kato a beautiful black and whiteCat who was made to undertakethis terrible fate. I havesuggested a possible CV for thehumans. (See below)

Name: KatoAge: Five to 10 years Sex: MaleBreed/colour: Long-haired, fluffyblack and white moggieCharacter: Tolerant, calm,friendly and trainable, but alsobold and stubborn. Regularlyfights with Phoebe, atortoiseshell femaleRoaming: Roams up to 93m fromhome and covers about a hectare

(2.7 acres)Prey: Brings birds or smallmammals home a couple of times a week.Expert view: "Kato appears totimeshare territory with Phoebe,a cat who lives on the oppositeside of the road. They appear toavoid being out at the same timeas one another," say researchers.

Name : Stephen

Age: 50 Years Sex : MaleBreed: Balding, grey hair, whitehumanCharacter : Tolerant, calm,friendly and trainable, but alsobold and stubborn. Regularlyfights with Jane a female.

Roaming : Roams up to 12 milesfrom home for work, can alsoroam further at the weekend up to 50 miles on any givenSaturday or Sunday.Prey : Brings plastic bags full of food home once or twice a week.(Occasionally remembering theFud Fud.)Expert View : Stephen appears totimeshare territory with Jane, a

female Slave who lives in thesame house. They do livetogether, although there can beterritorial fights over thetelevision remote control and thebathroom. They try to be outtogether at the weekends andseparately during the week whenthey go to work. I leave this as a thought for thefuture. I think that action needs

to be taken and fast.

We all know that dogs are supercute! (I mean just look at me andSimba, what more evidence doyou need?) Not only are theycute, but they truly are a faithfulcompanion to humans. Here aresome stories to convince youguys just in case our owncuteness isnt convincingenough!One day Yolanda Sevogiareceived a knock at her door

from her neighbour. It turns outthat the neighbour had found alost terrier and was wonderingwhether Yolanda could look afterit for the day. The women wentand put up flyers to try and helpthe dogs owner find it again.Yolanda also went to the petstore to buy supplies and told hertwo sons, Christian, who suffersfrom Downs syndrome, andAzaiah who was just ten at thetime, not to fall in love with thedog (now named RaeLee).Four days later Yolanda was stilllooking after RaeLee and whenshe arrived home from work, shesaw that RaeLee was flinginghimself up against the screendoor and as soon as she openedthe door he sprinted into a room

where Yolanda found her sonChristian in the middle of aviolent seizure. RaeLee ran overto Christian and as soon asYolanda went to her son, RaeLeegrew quiet.Yolanda told that the neurologisthad said that if RaeLee hadntreported to her then her sonChristian wouldve been dead. Her son made a recovery butsadly the next day RaeLeesowner phoned her neighbourand was going to come and pickhis dog up. The neighbour(Stacey) cried and told him thatthe dog had saved her friendsson. The man arrived atYolandas door the next day butsaw her two sons crying violentlyso he told Yolanda: "Maybe Odie

Heart-warming Dog Tails B Simba and Tim


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was supposed to find you, maybeyou should keep him."Not only are us dogs lifesaversbut we are also faithful to theend;The bond between dog andmaster goes beyond the grave.

Capitns owner, Miguel, died inhospital and was thentransferred to a funeral home. He

was then later buried in acemetery. Capitn went missingfor a few days but was thenfound lying next to his ownersgrave in a cemetery where hehad never been before.The first time the funeral director

saw Capitn, he arrived at thecemetery alone. The dog did afew laps through the tombstones

before finding his master's grave all on his own. Capitncontinues to visit his old masterevery single day, at 6:00 p.m.,like clockwork.Now that is true devotion! Meand Simba thoroughly agree that

a dog like that deserves a medal(or a treat!)

We have found that over the past two easters, two different, beautiful hamstershave amazing stories to tell. This year, beloved hamster, Tink , was discovered tobe apparently dead while under the car e of his normal slaves neighbour. Shewas wrapped in kitchen paper and buried a foot underground. But a few dayslater, on Good Friday, she was found in the back garden, alive and healthy, givingher her nickname Jesus. The V -E-Ts think that she was probably hibernating,

although they cannot explain how she came to be revived in the cold soil.Another miracle would be that of Rhino, the four-year old hamster, whowas thought to be dead at Easter-time last year. He was found dead andleft for several hours but remained motionless, his owner then did thehonourable thing and laid Rhino to rest two-feet below the ground.Therefore the astonishment of the owners neighbours can beunderstood as they saw little Rhino scampering around their garden!Rhino seems to be unaffected by the ordeal and his family were verygrateful to have him back in their lives again.

Photobombing Cats!Sent in by Prized Slave to Marmite and Twiglet!

Find more at http://keep0smiling.blogspot.co.uk/2013/07/15-outstanding-cat-photobombs.html !

Easter MiraclesCo-written by Prized Slave to Stoff, Catkin and Bilbo and Prized Slave to Simba, Tim, Mollie, Luna,Trudy, Rita, Muriel and Bernadette

Tink

Rhino
http://keep0smiling.blogspot.co.uk/2013/07/15-outstanding-cat-photobombs.htmlhttp://keep0smiling.blogspot.co.uk/2013/07/15-outstanding-cat-photobombs.htmlhttp://keep0smiling.blogspot.co.uk/2013/07/15-outstanding-cat-photobombs.htmlhttp://keep0smiling.blogspot.co.uk/2013/07/15-outstanding-cat-photobombs.htmlhttp://keep0smiling.blogspot.co.uk/2013/07/15-outstanding-cat-photobombs.htmlhttp://keep0smiling.blogspot.co.uk/2013/07/15-outstanding-cat-photobombs.html

stoffragette newsletter, issue 25 - july 2013

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