Whether it be a crying clown or happy clown, I do not trust

their faces. Knowing about John Wayne Gacy Jr. and “It”, has

made me want to kick any clown I see in the shin.This abnormal

fear I have is called coulrophobia. It is estimated that 18.1%

of Americans suffer from phobias. In other words, 81.9% of

Americans are nuts because the rest of us can see through that big

nose, white make up and fake hair. What is so scary about these

faces is that the real face and personality are disguised.

Most of us know about Manson but in case you are not up on your psychopaths, this man is the conspirator of the Tate and LaBianca murders. Somehow he misconstrued the Beatles’ song “Helter Skelter” as the coming of an apocalyptic race war. Manson thought that maliciously killing a pregnant lady, her friends and a normal couple residing in a Hollywood would start the coming apocalypse. Because when you think that the apocalypse is coming you want it to come as fast as possible right? In actuality, the song was about a slide in Britain. Needless to say, the Beatles are not the four horsemen of the Apocalypse. This face is a symbolic culmination of all that is completely crazy and unremorseful. It has been a reminder that some people are absolutely bat shit nuts. In a highly popular Youtube video, Charles Manson sits in a courtroom and questions his audience, “Do you feel blame? Are you mad? Uh, do you feel like wolf kabob Roth vantage? Gefrannis booj pooch boo jujube; bear-ramage. Jigiji geeji geeja geeble Google. Begep flagaggle vaggle veditch-waggle bagga?” I asked myself that everyday.

Also known as the Smoke Free Lady with a hole in her neck.

So her face isn’t necessarily scary, it is more the gaping hole in her

neck which she smokes a cigarette with. When these commercials

first appeared in 1997, I could never watch it until the end. I think

the scary part about this video is that you don’t notice the hole until

it is too late.

You always hear about people that yell at the TV screen when the main characters go into the scary house or opens the sketchy closet. Yeah, I am one of them. Never am I more conversational as when I watch the Child Eater scene of Pan’s Labyrinth. In order to help her mother and unborn baby brother, Ofelia must do mystical tasks including facing the Child Eater. Once in its lair, the little girl must unlock a door without eating any of the delicious food on the Child Eater’s table. It sits at the head of the table, frozen until a child takes a bite of the food. As long as you don’t get the munchies, you’re fine but Ofelia was denied dinner by her tyrant like stepfather. In other words, suspense and terror ensue. This monster can only see you when its eyeballs are in its hands. Moral of the story when a giant Pan, a magical half man-half goat, tells you not to drink the baby devourer’s kool aid you should listen.

The Child Eater

I can’t tell if it is more perverse that leprechauns

intimidate me or that there is a movie called,”Leprechaun in the

Hood”. There is nothing magical, delicious, lucky or charming

about demonic Leprechauns.

LepreCHauns

One of the most famous scary movie faces of all time

is Linda Blair’s portrayal of Regan MacNeil in The Exorcist.

Although her mug was scary in the movie, it’s even worse when

your “friend” decides to forward you the “Scary Maze Game”. In

what you think is a harmless 3 level maze game made in Microsoft

Paint is someone’s idea of a hilarious prank.

Spoiler alert for those who haven’t played it yet, on the

third and hardest level you are focused on winning but when you

reach a certain point in the maze, MacNeil/Blair’s demonic face

pops up with a scream. Don’t trust your friends when they email

something with the subject line of “Just a fun thing to do!” or “Cool

game I found”. They are liars.

Regan MACNeil

It was 2002 when Gore Verbinski directed the remake of

Koji Suzuki’s novel and adapted movie in Japanese. It was the year

that we all feared a ringing telephone because the person on the

other end might tell us we had seven days to It was the Ring. The

movie is awful like most horror movies are but you couldn’t help

being terrified of the Samara, the little girl in a hospital gown that

kills people for watching a videotape. Another movie like this is the

Grudge, in which a woman seeking revenge on the world kills all

that enter the house where she and her son were murdered. Enter

Sarah Michelle Gellar’s character, Karen (see front as to why I

am creeped out). Coincidence? You decide! The biggest difference

between her and I is that I would never walk into a house where an

adulterous lady and her son were killed by their husband/father.

And I never will ever watch an unlabeled video tape because it’s

2011. No one owns a VCR. Both of the evil antagonists have hair in

their faces and both make me want to pee myself, clutching a pair

of haircutting scissors.

Little Girls with Hair In their Faces

Known also as Stalking Cat, the Cat Man or my invented

third grade insult, Tiger Face. He currently lives in Nevada and

makes appearances on various events and talk shows. Avner holds

the record for most body modifications. He has spent his life try-

ing to make himself like his animal totem, the tiger. I’m sure he’s a

nice guy despite his face is offputting. Yet I can’t look away.

The campy, classic book “Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark”

is hardly creepy. Okay that song about the Hearse is spine tingly

but for the most part the book is a collection of mild horror. The

terrifying part are the illustrations. They are created with pencil

and I can’t look at them any longer than two seconds. Not only

are the images themselves slightly horrific, but the way they are

drawn was as if the sinewy pencil lines could be pulled off the

page. The book and the series it belongs to are some of the most

challenged books by the American Library Association, satanic

or occult references and the surreal, nightmarish depictions by

Stephen Gammell. The ALA has a hard time agreeing with it being

a children’s book and I must agree because it scared the crap out of

me as a kid.

Illustrations From

Scary StorIes to TEll in THe Dark

Robert is the childhood doll of painter Robert “Gene”

Eugene Otto and the inspiration of the movie, Child’s Play. The

doll was given to them by his doting nanny who wasn’t treated very

well by the the elder Ottos. Did I mention she practiced voodoo?

Nanny dearest made the doll in Robert’s likeness and it is supposed

that it was her revenge on the parents. The doll was said to be

heard at night humming and running around. He would appear

in different spots of the house on his own. Gene would seemed

to broken things and misbehave only to say “Robert did it.” Gene

would have conversations with the doll and the doll’s voice was

different. His parents thought at first Gene was answering himself

but they began to believe that the doll spoke on its own. You’d think

that would be a good time to get rid of him.

Eventually, Gene outgrows the doll and abandons him in

the attic of the house he resided in until his death. Robert was

recovered by a new family and he was given to the daughter as a

housewarming gift. The girl suffered nightmares and wakes one

night with Robert on her face as though he was trying to suffocate

her. Can I get an “Oh hell no”? Apparently he was still bitter about

Gene leaving. Robert now resides in a glass box at the Fort East

Martello Museum in Key West. He also rampages the museum and

it is said that you must ask to be taken pictures with him. If he does

not tilt his head, it’s a no. If you take a picture anyway, he curse

your whole family. To keep Robert in the glass box, the museum

staff puts peppermint candies(his favorite) along the side at night.

Every morning at open the candies are all gone. The best thing to

take from this are:

don’t take strange looking dolls from women who

practice voodoo.

don’t let your children play with the doll.

don’t go up into the fucking attic of a house built in the

1800’s or any other time period for that matter.

dolls like peppermint candies.

Robert the Doll