THE PAMPERED CHILD SYNDROME

Maggie Mamen, Ph.D.Psychologist

REQUIREMENTS FOR PHYSICAL AND MENTAL

HEALTHSleep

Good nutrition

Exercise/fresh air

Attachment/nurturing

Safety and security

PARENTAL RESPONSES But we can’t get her to go to bed …

But he’s a very picky eater …

But she doesn’t like sports …

But he just won’t switch off the TV/video games/ computer/MSN …

But we don’t like to say “no,” because she gets SO upset …

But if he doesn’t get what he wants, he hits me …

PARENTAL GOALS …to raise children who are comfortable and happy are stimulated and enriched have fun can make their own choices and be independent are included in family decisions are given reasons for what they are asked to do are treated equally and fairly can express their feelings and be heard feel loved and appreciated have positive self-esteem

MESSAGES RECEIVED … I should never be unhappy

I should never be bored

If it’s not fun, I won’t do it

No one can tell me what to do

Adults should always consult me I won’t do anything unless there’s a good reason

I should be treated the same as adults

I should only do things I feel like doing

If I want it, I should have it, and if you love me, you should give it to me

I should always feel good about myself

WHY WE PAMPER …

Backlash from authoritarian parenting, parent “blaming”

Political events in 60s and 70s “Love is enough” Children’s rights Legacy of “abuse”; focus on self-esteem Child-centred parenting/teaching

philosophies “It takes a village …”; parenting “experts” Marketing, advertising, “nag” factor

HOW WE PAMPER . . .

spend money, give material goods

do everything for our children

try to compensate with extra attention

make excuses for poor behaviour and protect them from the consequences of their choices

give in; say “no” but do “yes”

try to be their friend

PAMPERED CHILD SYNDROME Exaggerated sense of entitlement Self-focussed; demanding of adult attention No recognition of authority, boundaries Difficulty with impulse control Lack of self-discipline Low threshold for discomfort No resources for dealing with

disappointment, failure, loss Little guilt, remorse, empathy Signs/symptoms of major psychiatric or

psychological disorder

“DIFFERENTIAL DIAGNOSES”

Behaviour Disorders Oppositional Defiant Disorder Conduct Disorder

Attention Deficit Disorder

Depression/Bipolar Disorder

Anxiety Disorder, School Refusal

Childhood Obesity

Learning Disabilities

BALANCING THE MESSAGES … Short-term pain for long-term gain “Out of boredom comes creativity” Some issues are not negotiable; sometimes

there is no choice There are times when children should be seen

and not heard Rights, privileges … and responsibilities Life is not a democracy Who said life is fair? “Because I said so”

means “You can trust me”

WHAT ELSE WE CAN DO …

Be careful not to judge; there but for fortune …

DARE TO PARENT! Take back our families

Decide what our values are and teach them strive for fairness, not necessarily equality teach altruism, empathy and compassion - yes,

you can! remember that saying “no” will not damage self-

worth

Set boundaries so that children are safe say what we mean, mean what we say – builds

trust allow chosen and promised consequences to

happen

Be on the same team – parents, teachers, caregivers, professionals; UNITE THE “RIGHT”!

Stop being afraid of our children even if we are, we pretend we are not trust children to handle their negative feelings

Be a parent, not a friend; parenting is a vocation, not a popularity contest

So that our children can …

“Know their faculties”

“Test their strengths”

“Train for real life”

Alfred Adler

AND REMEMBER ... when it comes to making a difference

whether you think you can or

whether you think you can’t

YOU’RE RIGHT!