Healing Wounded HealersVulnerability, Boundaries,

And Resilience

Melanie Childers, MA, MDiv, BCC, LPC

Healthy Boundaries

Non-Anxiously AbsentAnxiously Present

Non-Anxiously Present

ANXIETY

·Separating from tension·Zoning out / numbing out·Depersonalizing

·Loss of appropriate connection

·Arguing, Criticizing ·Panicking ·Absorbing others’ problem (“bleeding heart”)·Loss of appropriate distance·Impaired judgment and performance

•Present in the moment•Healthy distance and connection

Anxiously Present

Arguing, Criticizing

Panicking

Absorbing others’

problemsLoss of appropriate distance

Impaired judgment and performance

Becomes the center

of attention

Non-Anxiously Absent

Loss of appropriate connection

Depersonalizing

Zoning out / numbing out

Separating from tension

Emotionless, robotic

Non-Anxiously Present

Present in the moment

Healthy distance and connection

Appropriately vulnerable

Attentive

What is Vulnerability?“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything

and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.” C.S. Lewis

What is Vulnerability?Vulnerability: uncertainty, risk, and emotional

exposure.  Vulnerability is about sharing our feelings

and our experiences with people who have earned the right to hear them.

Vulnerability is the core, the heart, the center, of meaningful human experiences.

The definition includes “capable of being wounded” and “open to attack or damage”

• From Brene Brown

Examples of VulnerabilityThink about personal encounters with shame or vulnerability

that you have dealt with during your interpersonal life and professional career. Identify which of the following activities you would consider to be vulnerable:

 

Telling my CEO that we won’t make payroll next month Laying off employees Presenting my ideas to the world and getting no response Standing up for myself and for friends when someone else is critical or

gossiping Being accountable Asking for forgiveness Having faith Waiting for the biopsy to come back Saying no Calling a friend whose child just died First date after my divorce Getting fired Trying something new Sharing an unpopular opinion

“Vulnerability is the core, the heart, the center, of meaningful human

experiences.”

Do you agree or disagree with this statement? Why?

How would you fill in these blanks?

Vulnerability looks like _______________________________________________.

Vulnerability feels like _______________________________________________.

Vulnerability MythsVulnerability is weakness.

Vulnerability is optional / avoidable.

Vulnerability is letting it all hang out.

We can go it alone.

Vulnerability Shields / AntidotesForeboding Joy // practicing gratitudePerfectionism // mindfulness and self-

compassionNumbing // finding real comfortsViking/Victim Mentality // redefining

success“Telling All” // questioning intentionsCynicism, Criticism, Cool & Cruelty //

balancing

Think about the ways you shield yourself from vulnerability. How would you fill in these blanks?

My first instinct is to _______________________________, but that rarely works, so now I ______________________________________, and that’s improved my life.

I spent years ___________________________________________ until one day I tried __________________________________, and it made my relationship stronger.

An example of a time I have felt vulnerable is: __________________ _________________________________________________________

Developing Resilience through Vulnerability

Speak from your scars, not from fresh wounds (Nadia Bolz-Webber)

Choose wisely who to be vulnerable with; practice with your trusted few

Let go of worrying about what others will thinkEmbrace “dark” emotions as teachers and healersAsk for what you want State your internal emotionsShare from your heart, not your headShine light on shameLet yourself be messy Practice compassion toward yourself

Power and Vulnerability

Power and VulnerabilityTypes of Power

Physical power Legitimate power (designated or legal)Expert-knowledge power (knowledge is power)Professionalism power (influence or aura of powerPositional or role power (setting time, place, stage, ask

the questions, maintain anonymity, name/label/diagnose, determine parameters of relationship)

Imbalance of knowledge power (knowledge of the other is power)

Coercive power (forcing against one's will)Reward power (power to reward or withhold)Referent power (the power of admiration)Manipulative power (the power to control in a devious

way)

Power-Over vs Power-WithGoal of therapy: maintaining status quo vs

developing stronger, more autonomous, self-empowered clients?

Evolution of therapy demands an evolution of the therapy relationship and a shared sense of power

How might our own vulnerability model growth and development for our clients?

Self-awareness about our own sense of powerlessness (balanced with recognition of our effectiveness) models a realistic picture of life and growth for clients

from Brene Brown:

“In a world where scarcity and shame dominate and feeling afraid has become second nature, vulnerability is subversive. Uncomfortable. It’s even a little dangerous at times. And, without question, putting ourselves out there means there’s a far greater risk of feeling hurt. But as I look back on my own life and what daring greatly has meant to me, I can honestly say that nothing is as uncomfortable, dangerous, and hurtful as believing that I’m standing on the outside of my life looking in and wondering what it would be like if I had the courage to show up and let myself be seen” (p. 249).

 

Questions and Comments

Resources:The Authority of Those Who Have Suffered, by Richard RohrThe Wounded Healer, Henri NouwenThe Nature of Suffering and the Goals of Medicine, Eric CassellDaring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms

the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead, Brene Brown“Power in Psychotherapy and Counseling,” Ofer Zur, Ph.D.

Online publication by the Zur Institute, downloaded May 2015 from http://www.zurinstitute.com/power_in_therapy.html