The Amateur Chamber Musician: a Field Study

Robert Gardner*

Department of MathematicsUniversity of Massachusetts

Amherst, MA 01003gardner@math.umass.edu

I. Introduction. The amateur chamber musician is not yet extinct despite its continuing presence on the endangered species Liszt. This was clearly established by Schmerzhaftgetöse [1], in a recent article reporting on the sighting of a foolhardy cellist of Russian extraction during the latter's Fauré onto musical turf where wiser men fear to tread:

``The elegiac theme of the cello, framed by the dark dissonance of the piano's opening chords gave way to a courtly though wistful duet. However, further development of the orginal thematic material returned the listener to a palpable sense of foreboding. Certainty of impending disaster found expression in the form of a collective gasp from an astonished audience, as a single missed note during the cellist's wild acceleration towards the very top of his instrument sent him careening over the edge of a musical precipice. Although the twisted metal and smoldering ruins of the resulting train wreck were regrettable, listeners were in unanimous agreement that the spectacle was nevertheless far more entertaining than would have been the case had he been made to walk the Poulenc.”

While some might argue that Schmerzhaftgetöse's penchant for the stilted pomposity of academic prose calls into question his critical pronouncements about an amateur's stylistic execution, his paper nevertheless raises larger and troubling issues concerning the

environmental impact and the evolutionary biology of the amateur chamber musician as a species that warrants further analysis and experimental inquiry. Schmerzhaftgetöse's seminal monogaph on the interspecific dynamics of amateur chamber musicians within their native habitat [1] has clarified the essential desiderata of an emerging field, and is widely credited with having generated the corpus now commonly referred to as muse ecology. We therefore preface this study with a review of this foundational work and an accompanying discussion in which we assess the extent to which Schmerzhaftgetöse theory provides an adequate theoretical foundation for predicting the persistence or extinction of the beleaguered amateur species within the larger musical universe. The principal objective of the present article is the presentation and analysis of data collected during a recent field study of amateurs that cannot be explained by the classical theory, and that calls for the formulation of a new and more robust theoretical paradigm.

II. Schmerzhaftgetöse Theory.

Schmerzhaftgetöse had the grace to note, albeit with scathingly mordant wit, that it's trilling when amateurs turn Bach to Haydn in their living rooms. Such phenomenological inversions are well-known and have been extensively documented in the existing literature [2]. Schmerzhaftgetöse contends that although the mechanisms that pertain to the survival the amateur species are not discussed in any of the standard Buxtehude muse ecologists usually refer to, they can be discerned through the careful analysis of existing data recorded during field observations of amateurs foraging for fresh musical fodder. Schmerzhaftgetöse conjectures that the data demonstrate that during this critical transitional regime, it is crucially important that amateurs confine their foraging activities to the relative safety of an ecological refuge free from the depredations of predatory critics [1]. It is further noted that in this regard, the living room has a long history of providing a nurturing habitat in which dedicated amateurs have been able to explore fantasies of playing Mozart fully while pursuing the answer to a perennial philosophical question: “How can we, Man, Handel a piece that requires consummate technical accomplishment and profound

musical understanding?” However, Schmerzhaftgetöse also claims that even the most Chopin-minded families are presently being stretched beyond the limits of Schumann endurance, and that the rapid diminution of this part of the musical environment presents a significant threat to the persistence of an important, though much-maligned species.

Schmerzhaftgetöse also comments on the aggregative tendency of amateurs to flock in trios and quartets (see e.g. Figure 1(a) below), a trait that has no doubt evolved in response to the need for some form of tangible reward for enduring many years of isolated toil, societal indifference, and the ridicule of teenage relatives. Indeed, chamber ensembles have provided countless amateurs with the opportunity to explore the manifold treasures to be found in the vastness of the chamber literature. In addition, they also provide stronger members of the species with a less commented upon pleasure derived from crushing the egos of less fortunate colleagues born with musical disabilities such as a tin ear, or a strange cognitive impairment making it impossible to count to four without the use of one's fingers. Schmerzhaftgetöse conjectures that in spite of, or perhaps, because of its tendency to generate such musical roadkill, flocking ultimate strengthens the species and is likely to play a decisive role in its long-term survival.

A fundamental conundrum of muse ecology known as the amateur's paradox occurs in connection with the unfortunate amateur whose playing is compromised both by a serious musical disability and an outsized ego. Such singular perturbations of complex musical systems can accelerate and amplify the generation of behavioral instabilities, and can ultimately result in the stochastic attribution of blame. In ensembles afflicted with two or more such players, the resonant nonlinear interaction of delinquent frequency bands has been demonstrated to generically result in a chaotic response of the ensemble dynamics [1]. This phenomenon is illustrated in Figure (1b) where notes dropped by (other) members of the Tua Culpa Trio have brought an ill-fated performance of a certain Mendelssohn piano trio to an earlier-than-expected conclusion, as players stop to help search for missing notes.

(a) (b) Figure 1: (a) A flock of amateurs. (b) Members of the Tua Culpa Trio searching for missing notes.

IV. The field study: new observational data. While the Schmerzhaftgetöse conjecture is based on sound historical evidence, we believe that it is decidedly speculative in regard to the species' ability to persist in future years due to the inevitable appearance of mutant strains and the natural selection of new genotypes in response to evolutionary pressures. For example, although most amateurs prefer the ineffable serenity of the classical repertory, there is mounting evidence of the growth of an aggressively adventurous genotype that has crossed the Bridge to the more recent literature. In this article, we present and analyze data recently collected during a field study of a rogue string quartet from Gary, Indiana, during its musical migration towards the outer boundaries of the avant-garde.

During their initial visit to the site, the observation team commented that innocent bystanders within earshot of the quartet's exploratory chamber Sessions appeared to experience a Schickele, Piston feeling that something truly dreadful was about to unfold. On a subsequent visit, the team took note of a cloying but oddly dissonant acoustic disturbance emanating from a house with the windows left conspicuously ajar, even though the ambient temperature was -2.8o

C. During the next 45 minutes

members of the team became increasingly aware of an uncomfortable and unsightly dermatitis evidently occurring in reaction to the musical proceedings, and which on closer inspection seemed suspiciously similar to Ives. This was indeed cause for alarm, since Ives can be a devastating condition which in its most intractable and virulent form, has been known to afflict entire neighborhoods.

It should be noted that the vectors of this unusually discordant musical epidemic are seldom willing to acknowledge their role in its dispersion. For example, in the case under observation, it was later learned through sources who have asked to remain anonymous, of an exchange between the first violinist of the group and a more conventional-minded colleague who had expressed some concern about the curious red bumps that were seen peeking out from under the cuff of the sleeve of the former's bow arm during a particularly demanding spiccato passage. The violinist was reported to have replied with a flippant though somewhat less than reassuring ``Don't worry Fred, its nothing contagious ... its Shostakovitch.” The violinist's transparently disingenuous assertion is belied by the recorded commentary of the lead investigator: ``Long-suffering neighbors are far less resilient. Most of them eventually succumb to the relentless musical onslaught, even Weil Webern with the fury of enCaged wild animals subjected to the tediously repetitive sounds of broken Glass. The ghastly scene concludes with the mass Berio of the dead and dying, the tragic sequelae of musicians run amok.” Despite the nearly biblical dimensions of the resulting carnage, another member of the observation team noted that the efficacy of the surrounding fauna in the biological control of exotic musical pests presents ample grounds for a more optimistic assessment of the likely resolution of the longer-term evolutionary issues: ``Hope is reborn as the amateurs' musical afternoon continues to Ravel, following a visit from the local constabulary and the polite but irresistible request that they stop disturbing the piece.”

In such situations, most players bow to the inevitable and adjourn to the nearest tavern for a few beers and some idle Bartók. Eventually, the stout-hearted (not to say -filled) players have one last round to drum up

their courage, and in a striking display of unmitigated brass throw caution to the winds by returning to home bass only to discover that the tenor of the neighborhood has cleft towards more serious treble. However, a reinforcement of coaches courageously gallops to the rescue, and through the adroit use of strings, manages to chorale the miscreants in a finale of truly operatic proportions. The closing curtain triumphantly rises once again for an encore of coaches and amateurs alike joining in a rousing oct-Tet Offensive, only to disperse once more following the return of the ever-vigilant constable on patrol. The ensuing dispersion of players towards more adequately soundproofed venues such as basements and attics results in an accordingly bifurcated pattern of musical ensemble formation.

V. Discussion.

Our observations have demonstrated that in addition to preserving and carrying forward a majestic musical tradition, the diaspora of amateurs from the living room to the farthest-flung corners of the house has also put significant downward pressure on the size of indoor rodent populations.The argument can therefore be made that amateur chamber music is a relatively benign vice that has the unexpected ancillary benefit of providing society with a humane form of pest suppression. In fairness, it must be added that the SPCA has been quite Frank about its disapproval of the practice, which it characterizes as a particularly odious form of cruelty to animals. Nevertheless, we maintain that those twits at the SPCA couldn't Telemann from a mouse, and we remain steadfast in our belief that these issues present intriguing lines of investigation for future research.

References

[1] Schemerzthaftgetöse, F. , “Observation of the interspecific dynamics of the mature amateur chamber musician”, J. Pure and

Applied Musicological Perseveration, vol 145, no 3, pp1045-1082, (2004).[2] Schickle, P. The Definitive Biography of P. D. Q. Bach, 1807-172?, Random House, New York (1977).

*Research partially supported by a grant from the National Nonscience Foundation # RD-B 1601.