founder leadership workshop sept 2015 ycs15
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Founder Communication
InnerSpaceJoe Greenstein & Semira Rahemtulla
Sept 18, 2015
Why am I doing this? (Part 1)
One Big Idea
INTENTNeeds
MotivesStories
Reality #1
BEHAVIORVerbal
Non-Verbal
Reality #2Common
IMPACTAssumptions
FeelingsResponsesReality #3
The Net
3 Realities (The “Net” Model)
Feelings & Emotions – Why??
Everyone feels them; we just pretend we
don’t.
Convey crucial information; absence of emotion leaves out
half the story.
Emotions indicate importance. Most
powerful motivator?
They are an early warning
system
Feelings & Emotions – Why??
Self-Disclosure
Will I be less liked,
respected, influential
(leader-like)?
Is it relevant? Will it further the discussion – the
relationship?
Will others use this
information against me?
How will others
see/assess/ judge me?
“What in my ‘bubble’
should I share?”
Self-Disclosure
Vulnerability
“I define vulnerability as
the expression of
uncertainty, risk, and
emotional exposure.”
Vulnerability
Authentic Leaders
“The single factor distinguishing the top
managers from bottom managers was
strength of affection”
--“Encouraging the Heart: A Leader’s Guide to Recognizing and Rewarding Others”, Kouzes & Barry
Authentic Leaders
Authentic Leaders
You prefer to look strong rather than “weak.”Problem: Everyone knows that.
Result: Willingness to show (some)“weakness” is perceived as sign of strength.
Paradox of Trust?
Benefits of Self-Disclosure / Vulnerability
• Build connection, trust• Repair distortions• Avoid “progressive impoverishment”
Benefits of Self-Disclosure / Vulnerability
If You Really Knew me…
Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]
Effective Teams
1. Participation2. Collaboration3. Cooperation (Commitment)
Research: All of these are correlated to Group EQ
“Building Emotional Intelligence”, Wolfe & Druskat, Harvard Business Review, 2004
Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]
“I’m starting to feel defensive”
Inward (my emotions)
Outward(others’ emotions)
Emotional Awareness
Emotional Management
(“Regulation”)
“He seems to begetting agitated”
• Take a deep breath• “Could you give me a sec?”• Take a walk
“Are you ok?”
EQ (Individual)
Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]
Inward (Our Team)
Outward(Other Teams)
Emotional Awareness
EQ (Group)
Emotional Management
(“Regulation”)
High EQ individuals ≠ High EQ group
Group norms determine group EQ
Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]
Group EQ
Working AgreementsJohari Window
OPEN/PUBLIC
PRIVATE UNKNOWN
I know I don’t know
You know
You don’t know
Reactions/Feedback
Disclosure
BLIND
Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityWhy is Feedback Important?
1. Personal Development2. Team Effectiveness3. Stronger Relationships
Bottom Line: Feedback is how we grow
Photo: Robbie Grubbs
Can I give you some feedback?
Photo by State Farm [link]Social situations ≈ Physical threats
Threat Response
Photo by Andrew Vargas [link]
David RockWhat social situations triggera threat response?
StatusCertaintyAutonomyRelatednessFairness
SCARF Model
So… how do we communicate feedback while minimizing defensiveness?
INTENTNeeds
MotivesStories
Reality #1
BEHAVIORVerbal
Non-Verbal
Reality #2Common
IMPACTFeelings
ReactionsResponsesReality #3
The Net
The Net (again)
Feedback
Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityHow to Give Effective Feedback
1. Focus on specific, observable behavior2. Describe the impact of that behavior on you3. Do not address the other person’s motives or
intentions (Do ask about them & listen actively if they choose to
share.)
Stay on your side of the net!
Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityThe Simplest Feedback Model
When you do [x], I feel [y].
(and optionally)
The story in my head is… (z)
Can you tell me what’s going on for you?
Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityLet’s try some examples…
1. Semira, you clearly don’t care about this presentation.
2. Semira, I noticed that you are looking at your phone. You are clearly bored with this presentation.
3. Semira, I noticed that you are looking at your phone. I am feeling anxious about what message that might send to others in the room.
Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityTips for Receiving Feedback
• Look for “Grains of Truth”– Learning is better than being right– Goal is understanding, not winning
• Listen and ask clarifying questions• Acknowledge your feelings• Gift mentality
– Say “Thank you!”
Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityTips for Complimentary Feedback
• Give more!!!• Do not praise to buffer criticism
– Avoid “The Sandwich”• Do not praise to overcome resistance• Avoid platitudes. Be specific:
– Weak: “Joe, you’re killing it.”– Strong: “Joe, I’ve noticed you’ve been on time to almost
every meeting this week. I feel grateful for the extra effort.”
Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityTips for Constructive Feedback
• Use a soft start– Emphasize mutual goals & positive intent:My intention is… / This matters to me because…When you do [x], I feel [y].
• Be aware of your own stress• Goal is joint problem solving
Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityLast Reminder
Stay on your side of the net
When you do [x], I feel [y].
Use the Vocabulary of Emotions.
Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilitySuggested Topics For Feedback
Work Product– Timeliness, quality, quantity, focus
area
Communication & Management– Too much/little– Choice of format– Email etiquette
– Language choices, communication style with others
– Transparency of project status, hiring/firing/promotions
Role Modeling & Presence– What energy do you feel from
this person?
– How do they impact others?
– What do they model well?
– Anything you worry about?
– Arrival/departure times
– How they speak/listen/act/dress
Fostering a feedback-rich culture
• Train your team on giving/receiving feedback• Schedule feedback-focused 1:1s (or begin
1:1s with two-way feedback)– And set expectations of managers/leaders to do
the same
Thanks, good-bye, and stay on your side of the net
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