ane & k endall counties amusing stories • jokes • puzzles ... · 4/3/2019 · amusing...

April 3, 2019 Volume 13, Issue 14

Amusing Stories • Jokes • Puzzles • TriviaCommunity Events and Coupons

Distribution on the 1st & 3rd Wednesday of each monthFor Advertising: Michelle Brokop (815)751-1286 Email: [email protected]

If you are age 7 - 107. . . Enjoy Your FREE Copy Of The Orange Peel Gazette

Download your FREE copy today at: www.OrangePeelGazetteKaneCo.com

FREETAKE ONE

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Clunker As the owner of an old clunker,

I was used to dealing with a variety of car breakdowns. One day at the supermarket, just after I had filled my trunk with groceries, I noticed a stream of fluid leaking out of the bottom of the car. I knew I had to get home before the car was once again out of action.

When I arrived I asked my husband to take a look at the problem. Expecting the worst, I braced myselffor his diagnosis.

When he came back in, he was smiling. "It's applejuice," he said.

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ORANGE PEEL GAZETTE - KANE & NORTHERN KENDALL COUNTIESCHECK OUT OUR WEBSITE... WWW.ORANGEPEELGAZETTEKANECO.COM • PAGE 2

Dear Neighbor:I have great news for your wallet if your furnace is over 12years old. Allow me to explain...Every year, the months ofJanuary, February, & March can be slow for my business. Iemploy great people and want to keep them working duringthese long, slow months. That is why I’ve come up with aWin Win Situation for both of us.

Every year, the big manufacturers of furnaces & air conditioners guess how many to build to meet the demand.Of course, they’re never exactly right. So, they always havesome inventory that they must hold over until the next summer season. I went to one of these companies andcontracted for the purchase of twenty-two Deluxe furnacesand air conditioners in the four most popular sizes used inKane County. And, because of the quantity and time ofyear, I was able to buy them at drastically reduced prices.

They are brand-new Deluxe Models. They are NOT the seconds or “blems” or standard “builder” models. They arefactory-fresh furnaces and air conditioners and have a full10-year factory warranty.

How To Get A Furnace For PeanutsIf you are interested in a new heating/cooling system (butonly if one of the four sizes I have will fit your house, ofcourse), I am “giving” you the furnace and all I ask for is the $941 in labor & material costs for instalation.

Perfect Fit For Your HomeI will come out and measure your home (and determinethe availability of the proper size). Don’t forget, I only have

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Warmly,

22 matched Deluxe Systems in four sizes. When they aregone, this remarkable offer ends also. Just call 630-262-8484.

Absolutely No ObligationAfter I completely explain the installation, there is absolutelyno obligation. If you decide you don’t want to take advantage of the spectacular savings... That’s OK.

You Can Buy With NO Cash*You don’t even have to pay me right away. I have set up a terrific 0%* payment plan.

Fuel Efficiency Guarantee**I’m so confident that you will save at least 25% on your heating and cooling bills (I’m projecting more like 30%), that I will pay you the difference for a year if you don’t! I’llshow you exactly how this works. If these heating and air conditioning systems were not among the best on themarket, I couldn’t afford to make such a promise.

Why This Offer Can’t LastI only have a few of each of the four sizes. When all of the airconditioners are sold and all the furnaces are “given” away,that’s it. There are no more at this price. Call Bree now at(630)262-8484 to set up an appointment for your no-obligation survey.

Warmly,

ATTENTION: Kane County Homeowners, we are doing it again this year!Great opportunity with only 22 units available in 2019Quality, American Made HVAC Systems:SERVICE NOW HEATING Helping 22 Homeowners by “Giving Away”

Furnaces for $941.With Off-Season Air ConditioningIf you qualify, local utilities may offer up to $550 in rebates towards your new system.

9

9

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Painted Shut?

Weights Dropped?

(847)697-1974

Call Mark

WINDOWROPER R

opes Torn?

Pulle

y’s

Stu

ck?

How Much? Two elderly gents met up on the way to the funeral

of one of their longtime buddies. The deceased wasthought to have accumulated much wealth. On the wayto the cemetery, one old fellow asked the other, "Howmuch did he leave?"

The other old fellow replied, "All of it."

Indecipherable This software engineer is on vacation in the western

U.S. when he stops to use an ATM to get some cash."I'm accustomed to being prompted for my language of choice, and this particular ATM had a nice list tochoose from," says the engineer. "But after I selected'English,' the next screen said: 'You have selected English for your language. Please press Enter to confirm your selection.' Gee, if I'd actually made amistake and this was in a foreign language, how would I know what to do?"

Neutered? My friend Allison adopted a stray cat and took

him to the vet to be neutered. "I'm about 90 percent certain he's been fixed," the

vet said. "How can I be 100 percent sure?" Allison asked. "Watch to see if he does any 'male' things." "He already lies on the couch all day," she said.

"If he starts hogging the remote, I'll bring him in."

Not For Lunch My husband retired, and for the first time in over

40 years I had to think about preparing midday meals. Tired of it after several months, I said, "I married

you for better or worse, but not for lunch." "Fair enough. From now on I'll make my own,"

he replied. A few weeks later he had to go downtown on

business and invited me to join him afterwards. "We could have lunch at that Chinese place we

both like," he suggested. I happily agreed. At the restaurant the next day we

were seated, and the waiter came to take our order. My husband looked up, a twinkle in his eyes and

said, "Separate checks, please..."

ORANGE PEEL GAZETTE - KANE & NORTHERN KENDALL COUNTIESLike us on Facebook for past issues & more fun stories...OrangePeelGazetteKaneCo • PAGE 4


to purchase tickets, contact:▪ kane County 4-H Families▪ U of I Extension office, 535 S. randall rd, St. Charles▪ Call Bill (630)484-6852 or karen (815)784-2955

Silent Auction bidding until 7pmLive Auction Starts at 7pm

All proceeds will support University of Illinois Extension programs in kane Countywhich include: 4-H, Master Gardeners, Family nutrition Program, School Enrichment,Home & Community Education Association. For more information on Extension visit:

http://go.illinois.edu/extensiondkk

Limited supply at the door for $1 extra

Pulled Pork Sandwich Dinner - $81 Pork Chop Dinner - $12

2 Pork Chop Dinner - $14

Grilling done by: Elburn Lion’s ClubAll dinners include coleslaw, applesauce,

baked beans, roll, cookies & drink.

AdvancedTickets available

through March 27

Kane County 4-H Foundation

PORK CHOP DINNERSaturday, April 13 ▪ 4:30 - 7pm

Kane County Fairgrounds

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Sign Language for the Dentist You know how hard it is to talk to your dentist

when your teeth are being cleaned or you are getting a filling? Well, I decided I would make up a sort ofsign language that you could use to express yourselfwithout having to mumble.

Below are 10 common things you might wish tosay, numbered 1-10. These would be printed on aposter and mounted on the ceiling above the dentistchair.

It would give you something to read since procedures can be boring. When a phrase seems appropriate, you would just hold up the correspondingnumber of fingers to express yourself. The dentistwould not need to stop to ask you to repeat yourselfand could fix the problem right away.

1. Everything is fine, but my nose itches. 2. When you get a chance, there seems to be spit

running down my neck. 3. So, I guess you had garlic again for lunch today? 4. You realize that wasn't my tooth that you just

poked with that incredibly sharp tool. 5. I would REALLY prefer you didn't do that again. 6. Could you please suction the chunk of debris that

you missed before I gag? 7. Remember how I said I was numb? I think I may

have been mistaken. 8. Wait a minute -- maybe I am allergic to latex. 9. Just so you know, if I don't get to take a break

soon, I may bite you. 10. Please stop asking me stupid questions about

myself or I will take that paper mask off your face.



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Deer Crossing A crew of highway maintenance workers was sent to

repair some road signs that vandals had knocked downin a forested area. The first one they put back up was asymbol warning of a deer crossing.

As they moved down the road to repair the nextsign, one crew member looked back and spotted a deerrunning across the highway.

Turning to a co-worker he said, "I wonder how longhe's been waiting to cross?"

Forgive and Forget Once upon a time in their marriage, my Dad did

something really stupid. Mom chewed him out for it.He apologized and they made up. However, from timeto time, my mom mentions what he had done.

"Honey," my Dad finally said one day, "why do youkeep bringing that up? I thought your policy was 'forgive and forget.'"

"It is," she said. "I just don't want you to forget thatI've forgiven and forgotten."

New Model!A new car has been designed for LA rush hour

traffic is called the Stationary wagon.

Waiter Feedback The diner was furious when his steak arrived too

rare. "Waiter," he barked, "didn't you hear me say 'welldone'?

"I can't thank you enough, sir," replied the waiter. "I hardly ever get a compliment."

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Appearing In This Issue Of The ORANGE PEEL GAZETTE

The Orange Peel Gazette is distributed by over 400 businesses throughoutKane & Kendall Counties including various...


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Cow on the TrackA passenger train is creeping along slowly. Finally

it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees the conductorwalking by outside.

"What's going on?" she yells out the window."Cow on the track." replies the conductor. A few minutes later the train starts up, moving

along slowly. Five minutes later it stops again. Thewoman sees the conductor walk by.

"What happened?" she yells out the window. "Didwe catch up with the cow again?"

School DaysA police protection officer was visiting a primary

school in a particularly rough area of Manchester, England.

'Why shouldn't you touch the oven door or the kettle?' he asked the assembled class.

A young girls hand shot into the air. 'Because youmight leave fingerprints,' she answered.

Why We Split UpMy new wife Jenny told me we couldn't afford beer

anymore and I'd have to quit. Then I caught her spending $75 on makeup. So I asked, how come I hadto give up stuff and not her.

She said she needed the makeup to look pretty forme.

I told her that was what the beer was for. I don't think Jenny's coming back.



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Smart Crooks?Some small-time crooks decided that people were

so stupid that they would accept 18 dollar bills ifsomebody gave them any. So they carefully madesome plates and printed some up, and went to a smalltown to try them out. They got up to a shopkeeper and talked for awhile, then casually said "Say, can you give me change for an 18 dollar bill?"

"Sure" said the old shopkeeper. "What would youlike, three 6's or two 9's?"

Just for Fun• Two atoms are sitting next to each other and one

says, "I lost an electron."The other asks, "Are you sure?" "Yeah," the first replies. "I'm positive."

• Judge: "Do you wish to challenge any of the jury?"Prisoner: "Well, I think I can lick that little fellow on this end..."

• It is better to have loved a short man than never to have loved a tall.

• Prunes give you a run for your money.• I'm so broke, I can't even afford to pay attention.• I don't eat snails - I only eat fast food.• My brother is so stupid he thinks that aroma is

someone who travels a lot.

The Science TeacherMr. Anderson came to school one day and told

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ORANGE PEEL GAZETTE - KANE & NORTHERN KENDALL COUNTIESCONNECTING CUSTOMERS AND BUSINESSES. . .THAT’S WHAT WE DO BEST! • PAGE 9

815-756-9438WWW.HOLIDAYHOUR.COMWWW.HOLIDAYHOUR.COM

CLOSEOUT PRICING

350 W. Lincoln Hwy • Cortland, IL Visit ourWebsite

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2018 Jayco Hummingbird 16MRB

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2019 Jayco Jay Flight SLX 245RLS

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2018 Jayco White Hawk 25FK

MSRP: 35,501 You Save $12,590 Sales Price $22,9112018 Jayco Octane SL 312 Toyhauler


911M[n^itorym[n[g_r

M[rk Downs!!

C[ll for B_st Pri]ing!! whil_ inv_ntory l[sts


Opee Gazette says: Let’s Play!Who Wants To Be A Zillionaire?


Not the Real Bunny At the mall, my five-year-old grandson joined the

other children in line waiting to sit on the EasterBunny’s lap. When it was his turn, Jake didn’t move;he just stared. “Don’t you want to sit on the bunny’slap?” I asked.

“No!” he shouted. “There’s a man in his mouth!”

The Perfect ShotA guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an

eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed... driving his partner nuts.

Finally his exasperated partner says, "What theheck is taking so long? Hit the ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching mefrom the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Give me a break! You don't stand a snowball'schance of hitting her from here."

Is he Ill?A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's

cross eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he

picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checkshis teeth.

Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put himdown."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."

The Elgin Partnership for Early Learning (EPEL) recognizes that kids learn a lot in the 2000 days between birth and the first day of kindergarten!

Visit us at WWW.ELGINPARTNERSHIP.ORGto help your child/grandchild-- and every child

in Elgin-- to be ready for Kindergarten and ready for life!

$688,000 Question...How many feet are in a fathom?A) 2 B) 3C) 6 D) 9$689,000 Question...What did Jack Horner pull from his pie?A) Plum B) CherryC) Ring D) A nut

$690,000 Question...Many celebrities are better known by their stage name.What was Erich Weiss better known as?A) Lone Ranger B) TontoC) Mickey Mouse D) Harry Houdini

$691,000 Question...Who sailed in the Nina, Pinta and Santa Maria?A) Magellan B) ColumbusC) Drake D) Jefferson$692,000 Question...Whose nose grew when he told a lie? A) Pinocchio B) GoofyC) Elmo D) Minnie Mouse$693,000 Question...What would a Scotsman do with a spurtle?A) Golf B) FishC) Eat D) Sew$694,000 Question...If you had developed pogonophobia, what would you be afraid of?A) Beards B) ChickensC) Pigs D) Water$695,000 Question...Which country grows the most fruit?A) USA B) ChinaC) Brazil D) Argentina

(Answers below - See you next issue)

Answers: $688 - B; $689 - A; $690 - D; $691 - B; $692 - A; $693 - C; $694 - A; $695 - B.

The General Knowledge Quiz 7

PINBALL MACHINESCOIN OPERATEDARCADE GAMESDART MACHINES

IN HOME REPAIRSBUY & SELL

HOME AMUSEMENTS(630)742-2472



Glass Repair and Replacement

• Foggy or cracked glass replacement• Broken window and door repair

www.ClassicGlassAndGlazing.com

Classic Glass and Glazing 224-228-1000

CURTISTOWING INC.

WE PAY CASHON THE SPO

T!

7 DAYS AWEEK

24 Hrs 24 Hrs

WE BUY JUNK CARS WE BUY JUNK CARS FOR CASHFOR CASH

Any Condition • Running or Not • No Title - No ProblemAny Condition • Running or Not • No Title - No ProblemWe Come to You • Free Towing • Same Day Pick-upWe Come to You • Free Towing • Same Day Pick-up

(630)817-3577(630)817-3577

CCUURRTTIISS

Naperville www.CurtisTowingAndSalvage.com Aurora

Angela DavisNMLS# 138342 | IL

630-248-6078www.ModernDayMortgage.com

oned companies are not affiliated. Caliber Home Loans, Inc., 1525 S. Belt Line Rd, Coppell, TX 75019. NMLS ID#15622 (http://www.nmlsconsumeraccess.org/EntityDetails.aspx/COMPANY/15622). 1-800-401-6587. Copyright © 2019. All is is not an offer to enter into an agreement. Not all customers will qualify. Information, rates, and programs are subject to change without prior notice. All products are subject to credit and property approval. Not all products are

unts. If you are refinancing your existing loan, your total finance charges may be higher over the life of the loan. Other restrictions and limitations apply. NMLS ID #15622 (www.nmlsconsumeraccess.org).

Looking for a new Home? I can help.



Caliber Home Loans and any above mentioned companies are not affiliated. Caliber Home Loans, Inc., 1525 S. Belt Line Rd, Coppell, TX 75019. NMLS ID#15622 (http://www.nmlsconsumeraccess.org/EntityDetails.aspx/COMPANY/15622). 1-800-401-6587. Copyright © 2019. AllRights Reserved. Equal Housing Lender. This is not an offer to enter into an agreement. Not all customers will qualify. Information, rates, and programs are subject to change without prior notice. All products are subject to credit and property approval. Not all products areavailable in all states or for all dollar amounts. If you are refinancing your existing loan, your total finance charges may be higher over the life of the loan. Other restrictions and limitations apply. NMLS ID #15622 (www.nmlsconsumeraccess.org).

Angela DavisNMLS# 138342 I IL

630-248-6078

www.ModernDayMortgage.com



Caliber Home Loans and any above mentioned companies are not affiliated. Caliber Home Loans, Inc., 1525 S. Belt Line Rd, Coppell, TX 75019. NMLS ID#15622 (http://www.nmlsconsumeraccess.org/EntityDetails.aspx/COMPANY/15622). 1-800-401-6587. Copyright © 2019. AllRights Reserved. Equal Housing Lender. This is not an offer to enter into an agreement. Not all customers will qualify. Information, rates, and programs are subject to change without prior notice. All products are subject to credit and property approval. Not all products areavailable in all states or for all dollar amounts. If you are refinancing your existing loan, your total finance charges may be higher over the life of the loan. Other restrictions and limitations apply. NMLS ID #15622 (www.nmlsconsumeraccess.org).

[email protected]

17 years Experience

HANDYMAN SERVICES

Call Sonnie630-465-4437

FrEE EStIMAtES • rEFErEnCES UPon rEqUESt

Experienced in all Home Improvements

No Job Too Small

www.pinnobuildings.com

Are You Thinking of a Building for 2019?Think Pinno Buildings!

Sales Sta Throughout Illinois & Wisconsin

Quality PostFrame Buildings

888-567-7166Bill Cleveland • 815-751-1156

Premium Buildings at an A ordable Price!

• Residential• Agricultural• Shop• Equine• Commercial• Mini Storage

Found on Employment Applications• I have a graduate degree in unclear physics. • My hobbies include raising long-eared rabbis as pets. • My last job was as a plumbing and hating specialists. • I worked for 6 years as an uninformed security

guard. • The academic scholarship I earned came with a

plague. • Most of my experience to this point has been as a blue-color worker.

• As part of the city maintenance crew, I repaired bad roads and defective brides.

• My career goal is to shave my talents with a growing company.

• This has reference to your advertisement calling for a ‘typist And an accountant - Male or Female’… As I am both for the past Several years and I can handle both; I am applying for the post.

• As my mother-in-law has expired and I am responsible for it, Please grant me 10 days leave.

• Retirement is wonderful. It's doing nothing without worrying about getting

caught at it - Gene Perret • 'There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit...retire!' Groucho Marx



Angvick Antique Motors

PO Box 7 • Burlington, IL 60109

(847)287-4413 oldmotorsguy.com [email protected]

Specializing in vehicles manufactured prior to 1940BUY • SELL • RESTORE • REPAIR

www.reelprovideo.com

REEL PRO VIDEOREEL PRO VIDEORestoring your past to preserve the future

630-879-8900

Photos? Home Movies? Slides?

TRANSFER TO DVD

111 N. Main Street

Federally Licensed Firearm Dealer • transfers with Ease

We Buy & Sell FirearmsSafe • Discreet • Convenient • Fair

Free Appraisals

Route 47 • Elburn • www.kanecountycoins.com

Kane County Coins

630-365-9700630-365-9700Inherited an old gun &

not sure what to do with it . . Let Us Help!

On th_ Fl[m\_[u Riv_r15 mil_s W. of Fifi_l^, WI off Hwy 70

• Bar • restaurant• Cabin rentals • Shower House

• Canoe rentals • Shuttle Service• AtV/Snowmobile trail Access

WE SELL non-EtHAnoLPrEMIUM GASoLInE

(715) 762-4786 • 6275 n oxbo Dr • Park Falls, WI RESORT www.theoxboresort.com

Animal Humor•A city slicker drives through a little town, and

stops at a gas station to fill up. Going into the station to pay he sees a man playing checkers with a dog. "Utterly fantastic," he gasps, "a dog who plays checkers. You could take him to the city and makepiles of money with him." After his next move the manlooks up and says , “Awh, he ain't so smart. I can beathim two times out of three."

•A man is driving his car along a lonely countryroad when suddenly grinds to a halt. The driver tries to restart it but to no avail. So he gets out and opensthe bonnet and starts fiddling with the plugs. Suddenlyhe hears a voice. "The left hand carburetor is blocked,why don't you drain it and the muck should come outtoo." He turns round and can see no one, so he shrugsand goes back to what he was doing.

"Drain the muck out of the left hand carburetor",says the voice again, and when he turns round all hecan see is a black horse with its head over the hedge looking at him. Again the voice tells him what to doand he suddenly realizes that the horse is giving himinstructions. Too shocked to argue, he does as he istold, starts the car and sure enough it works. He drivesdown to the nearest pub and, rushing in like a madman, has a stiff drink. Then he says to the barman,

"My car broke down up there and a horse told mehow to repair it".

The barman looks at him and says, "Was it a blackone?"

"Yes.""I thought so, the white one knows nothing about

cars."•A woman seated at the movies was surprised to

find, sitting in the two adjacent seats, a man with hisarm around a sheep dog. All through the movie, shenoticed the dog watching the picture with apparent understanding snarling when the villain appeared,yelping happily at the funny parts. At the end of themovie, she tapped the man on the shoulder. "I just can't get over how much your dog enjoyed the movie,"she said. "It surprises me too," the man answered, "He absolutely despised the book."



Welcome Home provides people who have moved with useful community information and FREE gifts from localmerchants: all to help you become familiar with the area.

Call or Text For a Visit -Batavia • North Aurora • Batavia/Mill Creek

Jennifer Zack • 630-229-2001

Moved Recently?We would enjoy meeting you!

- www.welcomehomebatavia.com -

SPRING IS HERE!Time to blind everyone with your pasty winter white legs.

Family Restaurant

With a minimumpurchase of $10

(before taxes) receive

$1 OFF* $10 order$2 OFF* $20 order$5 OFF* $35 order$10 OFF* $50 order

*Not to be used with any other offer.

(630)892-11001700 S. Douglas Rd

Montgomery

VIDEo GAMInG rooMnew Back Entrance with more Games & Bar Area

Come Play atGrandma’s! Open

‘til Midnight

=9 =4 =1 Answer from Front Cover

35 Unique ShopsUnder One RoofHOURS: Tues - Sat 10-5Thurs 10-8, Sunday 11-5701 N. State St. (Rt 31) Elgin, IL 60123

1 mile S. of I-90 (847)695-3066www.StateStreetMarketShops.com

Enjoy the day at theLARGEST

GIFT & ANTIQUEShop in The Fox Valley

Matt Gavin16119 Chicago Road Sandwich, IL 60548

Phone (815) 786-2242Cel (815) 405-9988Fax (815) 786-2296

Gavin Woodworking, Inc.Furniture Refinishing - Repairing

Special Wood Products - Chair CaningGeneral Machining - General Painting

Useful Work Phrases1. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by

your unique point of view. 2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's

hard to pronounce. 3. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't

care. 4. I like you. You remind me of when I was young

and stupid. 5. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant. 6. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I

had about you. 7. How about never? Is never good for you? 8. I'm really easy to get along with once you people

learn to worship me. 9. You sound reasonable...Time to up my

medication. 10. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter. 11. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a

message. 12. I don't work here. I'm a consultant. 13. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the

cellular level I'm really quite busy. 14. I see you've set aside this special time to

humiliate yourself in public.

Complete Junk Removal Complete Junk Removal & Light Demolition Services& Light Demolition Services

WE’LL REMOVE ANYTHING!WE’LL REMOVE ANYTHING!Basements • Entire Estates Garages • Attics • Sheds

Furniture • Appliances • PoolsConstruction Debris

877-545-0710877-545-0710www.AAAAmericanCleanouts.com

10% OFFNew Customers

www.ClaessonCarpetCleaning.comInsured/Bonded • Elburn, IL • Family Owned/Operated

Residential - Commercial

Serving Kane & DeKalb counties for over 24 years!

Yes, we can CLEAN that for you! Carpet • Furniture • Area Rugs

Water in the Basement

ClaessonCarpet Cleaning

Easter is right around the corner

(630) 365-2099

Your AdHere!Call Today!

815-751-1286

Signs of SpringIn Ohio, spring is always eagerly awaited after the

long, cold winters. When I arrived at work one day inmid-March, I noticed a sign gaily decorated with flowers and butterflies. It read: "Think Spring."

The first day of spring blew in with a snowstormand freezing temperatures, however, and another flowery sign was posted. This time the message read:"Forget Spring. Think Summer."


Hetts Auto SalesLooking for a quality used

vehicle? All our vehicles aresafety inspected, have a

carfax report and many arepriced in the

$3000 - $9000 range. View our inventory at

www.hettsautosales.comHetts Auto Sales is located

in downtown Oswego by theR/R tracks, “Our mission is

to give you a pleasurablebuying experience” and

remember owner, Ed and son, Matt are your friends

in the car business.Hetts Auto Sales

69 W. Washington St. (Rt 34)Oswego, IL 60543630-554-9339

www.hettsautosales.com

CASH PAIDWWII, WWI

Military uniforms,photos, weapons, medals,patches, helmets, posters,

souvenirs, & older firearms.630-215-3664

Garage Doors by CurtSales and Service

We Sell CHI DoorsLift Master Openers(630)276-3453

BUYING

AUTOMOTIVE The Right GuyCarpet Cleaning, Inc

Certified Cleaning for CarpetTile/Grout, Area Rugs,

Upholstery, RV’sResidential/Business/Rentals

www.TRGCarpetCleaning.comFor Reviews & Pics • 19yrs Exp.630-264-4369 Free Estimates

CARPET CLEANING

GARAGE DOORS

EGGS FOR SALE

AL’S ELECTRIC(Semi Retired, but not Tired)

Licensed • 45 yrs ExpJust Call Al (630)514-6569

ELECTRICAL

Ed & Judie’s Chicken EggFarm: Self Service6S260 Hankes Rd

Aurora (630)907-0775

$125 Mixed Face Cord$150 Oak Face Cord

Free Delivery/Stacked630-907-0775 Ed

FIREWOOD

ASPHALTDRIVEWAY REPAIR

INSTALL & PATCHINGASPHALT SEAL

COATING & STRIPINGANDEL SERVICES, INC

Hand Applied Se Habla Español

Office: 630 566 0210Cell: 630 675 7102


HANDYMAN-NAILS-ITHome Improve/Rpr/Maint

handyman-nails-it.com(630) 360-3039

Glass Repair & ReplacementBroken window/door Repair

224-228-1000Classic Glass and Glazing

GLASS REPAIR

Ready For The Future?Unlimited Income/We TrainTravel Agents/Reps/FT/PTWORK HOME 888-648-3030

Gary’s Painting & Handyman (630)409-1701$25/hour local

$27/hour long distance

HANDYMAN

HOME TYPISTS NEEDEDTyping court transcripts

from recorded audio. 35 pgs./day min., paid/pageMSWord/WP, no data entry

RECORDING REPORTERSPersons to record Hearings/Depositions in Chicago &

Suburbs paid per assignment

SPECIFIC POSITION ANDSEND RESUME TO:

LeGrand Court ReportingFax: (630) [email protected] For Sale

Excellent ConditionNew, was $425, Now $225

Call 847-741-0555

FOR SALE

BASEMENT WINDOWS

We provide & installbasement fire escape

windows & window wells.815-757-5853

CEMETERY2 cemetery lots 1 & 2

w/memorials.River Hills Memorial Park

Batavia 630-553-5503

Santa’s Village is Hiring!Age 16-99+, a job for anyone! Apply online

www.santasvillagedundee.com

HELP WANTED

For Sale - 2008 John Deere1050J 14,700 hours.

Maintained and serviced bylocal JD Dealer.

Undercarriage 95%. Hydraulics freshly serviced.Documentation of all repairs.Starts easily even when cold.

$150,000 open to offers.Call Scott (224)325-0844

CONSTRUCTIONEQUIPMENT

Cash for Record AlbumsRock • Jazz • Blues

St. Charles 206-432-1682

BUYING

Batavia, Sugar Grove, St. Charles & Woodridge office & warehouse space for lease, from 1,500sq ft to 12,000sq ft. For info Call Don 630-330-7637or Sarah 630-318-2341

INDUSTRIALSPACE FOR RENT

HOUSE CLEANING

Veronica & Audelia’sHouse Cleaning Services

630-506-2895630-935-5287

WANTED

RON’S QUALITY PAINTINGInterior - Exterior

Affordable & CleanOver 25 years experienceFree Estimates - Insured

(847)489-9907 Band Instruments: Cellos Open Hole Flutes, Trumpets

Double French Horns, Saxophones (847)951-7098

AGUAS REMODELINGAll Kinds of Repairs;

Electrical - WallsBathrooms - Kitchens

PaintingHabla Espanol

(847)809-1102 Jesus

J & L BUILDERSHandyman ServiceBasement Finishing

Kitchen & Bath RemodelingYour Complete Remodeling

Service. Free Estimates(630)334-1322

J-LBUILDERS/facebook

Sleeping Room $90/weeklyClean/Quiet, Non-smoking

Refrigerator accessAurora 630-247-1031

Two Men and A TrailerSmall to Medium MovesTVs, Dressers, Beds, CouchesReasonable Rates - Elburn630-918-5554 Big Ken

MOVING

Wiltse’s Landscaping &Lawn Care

Lawns, cleanups & mulchingfertilizing & weed control,

pruning, plantingresidential & commercial

hardscapes - (815) 508-7502


Bill’s Custom ServicesInterior/Exterior

Painting & Drywall Etc.Wallpaper hanging/removalOver 20 Years Experience

Free Estimates/Insured Now Offering Carpet Cleaning

(815)482-4155

TREE SERVICES &BOOM TRUCK SERVICES

ANDEL SERVICES, INCTree Cutting, Trimming,

Stump Grinding, Chipping,Haul Away

Call the office or text my cell for estimate

Se Habla EspañolOffice: 630 566 0210Cell: 630 675 7102

LAWN CARE SPECIALAerate $35 (48”Gate)

Fertilizer $59 (0-10,000)Overseed Free with A & F

Beautiful Lawn & Tree Care630-585-0221

LAWN CAREROOM FOR RENT

Next Issue Ad DeadlineApril 17 April 5

to appear in the next issue of the orAnGE PEEL GAzEttEcontact Michelle at (815)751-1286

Information gathered herein is from sources considered reliable. Accuracy however cannot be guaranteed. All humorous stories and

jokes appearing here are intended for entertainment purposes only andare not meant to disrespect or harm any group or individuals. Ads appearing in this paper are not to considered as an endorsement or validation by Orange Peel Gazette for products or services offered.


INVESTING

BORING LIFE???Do you want to make your

life more interesting?Learn to invest in Real

Estate and have the freedomand time you Deserve!Text “interesting” to:

630-675-7102 along withyour name and e-mail.

Blown in Attic Insulationand removal + other services

Insured; 25 years Exp.Floyd (224)218-1116

(331)228-0191

INSULATION

Tree Pruning & RemovalCall ISA Certified Arborist

Joe (224) 789 - 8773Northern Kane & Dupage Co

www.ArborJoe.com

Sleeping Room Availablefor Female; $125 weekly

Clean & quiet near bike trail331-250-6311

1995 Dakota V8, Ext Cab,Bed liner, 150K miles

Mechanically sound, usedbut not abused $1500

630-892-4411

TRUCK FOR SALE

BELLO PAINTERSInterior/Exterior painting

Drywall Rpr • Deck RestoFree Est. • Aurora Area331-262-3743

PAINTER

Lanza Masonry Inc.Brick, Stone, BlocksTuck Pointing847-833-3384

MASONRYTREE SERVICE

WELLNESSAroma Therapy,

Reflexology, Healing Touchfor People and AnimalsDenise (630)310-4504

Baker’s Window CleaningResidential/Commercial

(630)854-7716(630)859-7716

WINDOW CLEANING

REMODELING

TREE SERVICE

Crazy Bumper StickersI'm NOT speeding, I'm qualifing!

If this car was a horse I'd have to shoot it.Warning: Driver only carries $20

worth of ammunition!If I go any faster I'll burn out my hamster!

I support the legal system: the faster I drive the more money they get!

Don't follow me, I'm lost too.

LOOK FOR OUR NEXT ISSUE ON APRIL 17, 2019


AcceptingE SCRAP

• Aluminum • Brass • Copper • Stainless Steel • Steel • Iron• Insulated Wire • Batteries • Aluminum Cans• Siding 336 East Sullivan •Aurora

M - F 7:30 - 4:30Sat 7:00 - 12:30

STATE CERTIFIED SCALESCONTAINER & TRUCKING SERVICES

TOP CASH PAID

forFerrous &

non-Ferrous Metals

Ecology Tech Inc

630-844-3344www.ssmetalrecyclers2.com

1 Block E. of Rt 25 on Sullivan

Since 1988

1-800-TEC-CITY1-800-TEC-CITY

• Automotive - Import & Domestic• Heavy Duty Industrial• Agricultural Equipment• Construction Equipment• High Amp Alternators• Hot-Rods & Classic Cars• Recreational Vehicles• Lawn Equipment• Motorcycles • Snow Plows• Race Cars

M.A.R.S, Inc.Starters • Alternators • Generators

www.MarsStarters.comCall For

Business to Business Pickup & Delivery

Don’t have time to wait? We offer 100% NEW units!

- - Call us First - - SS ttaarr tteerr ss••AA lltteerr nnaa ttoorr ss••GGee nneerr aattoorr ssRebuilt to SAVE you Money!

WBEnC CErtIFICAtIon# - WBE17013991-800-832-2489 • 815-756-9019

Performance Reviews•"Since my last report, this employee has reached

rock bottom.....and has started to dig."•"His men would follow him anywhere...but only out

of morbid curiosity."•"This employee is really not so much of a 'has-

been', but more of a definite 'won't be'."•"Works well when under constant supervision and

cornered like a rat in a trap."•"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot pud-

dle."

An Uncle died and left several hundred clocks to his niece,

she's busy winding up the estate.

630-262-8484 • servicenowhomeservices.com

Expires 5/31/19Exp 5/31/19

Exp 5/31/19

Exp 5/31/19

ane & k endall counties amusing stories • jokes • puzzles ... · 4/3/2019 · amusing...

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