assertiveness & confidence building with young people
TRANSCRIPT
Vanessa Rogers
To identify personal patterns of behaviour and responses to others
To consider the difference between assertive, passive & aggressive
To explore giving and receiving criticism: developing feedback skills
To increase confidence in coping with challenging situations
What is ‘assertive',' aggressive’ and ‘passive’ behaviour?
Give in and say ‘yes’ even when they don’t want to
Put the feelings and concerns of others before their own
Keep their concerns to themselves Go along with the crowd even if they know
it is wrong
Think of themselves first, at the expense of others
Dominate others Use threats or force Don’t respect personal space Get what they want, regardless of the cost
Stand up for their rights without denying
other people theirs Respect themselves as well as others Ask for what they want in a straightforward
manner Express their emotions (both positive and
negative) in a healthy manner
CAN look like CAN sound like
Slapping or hitting Red faced Pointing fingers Body tense Fists clench Closed body language No consideration of
others
Shouting Yelling Angry voice Name calling Threatening Sarcastic comments Mocking or belittling
CAN look like CAN sound like
Shy Hiding face Smiling when you
don’t mean it Nodding Doing things you
know are wrong
Quiet voice Not saying what you
really think or believe in
Not sticking up for yourself
Apologetic
CAN look like CAN sound like
Direct and honest communication
In control Diplomatic Open body language Confident
Saying what you think, respectfully
Calm voice Firm Direct Gets the point across
The ability to; Express your opinion and feelings. Say “no” without feeling guilty. Set your own priorities. Ask for what you want. Take reasonable risks.
‘Being assertive is the art of getting understood by others by being neither aggressive nor passive, but by stating your needs clearly and effectively whilst respecting others right to the same.’
Passive behaviour – I lose, you win
Aggressive behaviour – you lose, I win
Assertive behaviour – I win, you win
Iceberg Model
What are your triggers?
How do you feel?
How do you behave?
TRIGGERS
FEELINGS AFTERWARDS
THOUGHTS AFTERWARDS
FEELINGS
THOUGHTSBEHAVIOUR
What affects the result is our response
REACTIVE Most common form
of aggression Loss of control and
emotional flooding Appears
disorganised, impulsive & loud
PROACTIVE Appears in control
and deliberate Goal orientated Can appear
impassive or even smiling & smirking
Situational External stressful events
Maturational Stress produced from
progression through developmental stages
In small groups draw a gingerbread person
On the inside write down all the maturational stress that a young person might be experiencing
On the outside, all that which might be described as ‘situational’
Why did this happen today, but not yesterday?
Is this typical behaviour for this young person?
Is the young person expressing a need? Is this normal for a young person of this
age? Does this reflect a family or cultural belief?
What am I feeling? What does the young person
feel/need/want? How is the environment affecting the young
person How do I respond?
Avoid conflict – simply withdraw from the situation Smooth it over – pretend there is no conflict and everything is OK Win at all costs – Get what you want; the other person loses Compromise – give up something you want to get something else you want Win / win negotiation – use creative problem solving to give both people what they want or need
Are there some areas that you are more comfortable being assertive in than others?
Consider areas that you feel most assertive
in and areas where you feel least.
Face the other person.
Listen carefully to what they say.
Have a pleasant facial expression.
Keep your voice calm and pleasant.
Make sure that your body language supports what you are saying
7% of message pertaining to feelings and attitudes is in the words that are spoken.
38% of message pertaining to feelings and attitudes is paralinguistic (the way that the words are said).
55% of message pertaining to feelings and attitudes is in facial expression.
Professor Albert Mehrabian (1981) Silent messages: Implicit communication of emotions and attitudes
This approach is particularly useful in:
Situations where you feel your rights are being ignored
Coping with clever, articulate people. Situations where you may lose self-
confidence if you give in
Work out what you want to say and rehearse it. Repeat your reply, using exactly the same words,
over and over again and stick to what you have decided.
Keep repeating your point, using a calm, pleasant voice.
Don't be put off by clever arguments or by what the other person says.
Don't be pulled into an argument or having to explain your decision.
There is nothing that can defeat this tactic.
“I feel / felt.........when........because..............”
Say: 'I feel upset when you interrupt me because I can't finish what I am saying.'
Instead of: 'You're always interrupting me!'
Be straightforward and honest so that you can make your point effectively
Don't feel you have to say 'sorry' or give elaborate reasons for saying "No”
Offer a compromise if you want to It is better in the long run to be honest
rather than feel resentment for not being able to say "No"
Example 1. Say: "Will you please . . . .?" Instead of
"Would you mind . . . . ?”Example 2. Say: "I won't be able to...."instead of 'I'm
not sure if I can...." Example 3. Say: "I've decided not to…” instead of 'I
don't think I can...."
In three’s practice assertiveness techniques Observer to note technique used and
effectiveness
Individual to fit the specific person and situation
Focused on the behavior or action you are concerned with, not on the person or their personality;
Delivered as soon as possible after the positive or negative action and before the next performance.
What is the difference between ‘feedback’ and ‘criticism’
Assume positive intent Listen and make sure you understand
Don’t take it personally or overeact Acknowledge and apologise Clarify and specify Set boundaries
VALID criticism - criticism which we know is true
INVALID criticism - criticism which we know is not true (one mistake doesn’t mean we are incompetent!)
PUT-DOWNS - a word, phrase, look or gesture that feels like a blow.
Tips to use criticism assertively
Face and listen to criticism rather than avoid it.
Don't take it to heart.
React calmly and respect others rights, there is no point attacking the person.
See constructive criticism as useful to everyone concerned.
Make intermittent eye contact
Make sure you’ve been heard
Use "I" statements to express your feelings or make a request
Don't "yes, but" them