Empathy can also make it easier and more rewarding to engage with people who don’t know us (or love us). A few months ago, my husband was waiting in line when he butted elbows with a pushy woman. First, he snapped at her to stop shoving, then he commiserated and finally he wound up buying her coffee. He was pleased with that outcome, and no wonder: Getting along feels better than fighting, and not only when you’re cooling your heels in a queue. If you’re negotiating with someone—whether with your spouse or a colleague—imagining what that person might be feeling can give you an edge. That can translate into career success, too: Thinking like the people you’re trying to serve can help you come up with creative solutions to sticky problems. “It’s easy to forget what things look like from another person’s point of view,” says Dev Patnaik, author of Wired to Care. “It pays to get up occasionally from your desk, get outside and spend time in the real world. Observe what people do, ask questions, and take lots of notes,” he says. You’ll end up with far more information than you would from the average marketing report.

On a more personal level, empathy can also help you when your boss is in a bad mood. If she snipes at you for no reason, instead of catastrophizing (she’s going to fire me!), stop and think about what might be going on for her that week. Is there a dead-line looming? “By putting yourself in her shoes—how would you

like to be in meetings for six hours straight?—you’ll be able to see the situation more clearly,” Patnaik says. Rather than panicking and avoiding her, which could have a negative impact on your relationship, you’ll have an easier time letting the incident go.

Of course, some bosses are worse than others. Early in my career, I worked at a magazine where I came across someone crying in the bathroom at least once a day. I’ll never forget the afternoon I became one of those people, shortly after I handed in a story that was, admittedly, imperfect. I looked up to see a senior-level editor marching toward my desk, and I could tell from her expression that she was about to repri-mand me. Worse, she waved over a cluster of my colleagues to witness my dressing-down.

For the next 10 minutes, she publicly dissected my extrava-gant failure, oblivious to the fact that my coworkers were not enjoying her performance (possibly because they’d all been publicly chastised themselves). Not surprisingly, most of us had résumés circulating. Also not surprisingly, I wasn’t doing my best work there. “A boss with low empathy makes employees feel threatened, so they’re less productive and creative,” Perry says.

An empathetic boss, on the other hand, is apt to foster an environment where creativity thrives. If she gets her staff’s per-spective, she’ll be able to anticipate and solve problems; employees also will feel freer to take risks.

1 How deep is your concern?l When I see people who aren’t as well off as I am, such as the homeless

guy who’s always on the corner, I feel bad for them. And I worry!

l I can’t stand to think of anyone being taken advantage of; I get so mad, I want to jump in and make things right again somehow.

l I often get emotional unexpectedly. When I read about even a distant tragedy (tsunamis, fires), I need to reach for the tissues.

l Others would describe me as a big softie, and I’d have to agree.

1Doesn’t describe me

2Describes me a tiny bit

3Describes me somewhat

4 Pretty much describes me

5Describes me to a t

click! get more tips! Learn to use empathy for good when your boss (or mate) is in a bad mood at Self.com/health.

 What’s your EQ (empathy quotient)? This quiz, adapted from a common psychological test of empathy, gauges two key empathy types: concern for others and perspective (the ability to imagine someone’s point of view). For each question, pick a number from 1 to 5, then tally your scores.

Your concern

score

What your number means 18 or higher Highly empathetic 16 to 17 Above average 15 Smack in the middle 13 to 14 You may need to focus more on the world around you. 12 and lower You need to increase your EQ.

Your perspective

score

total empathy score

2 Can you see things from another’s eyes?l When I’m bothered by a pal or family member, I try to imagine myself

in her shoes. (“So that’s why she did that!”) It helps calm me down.

l I think it’s fun to occasionally imagine what life would be like if I were someone else, like my boss or a good friend, just out of curiosity.

l I’m not big on yelling or criticism, even when a person deserves it. I can’t help but think how bad she’d feel if I chewed her out.

3 Add your scores for your empathy quotient

What your number means 13 to 14 You’re a pro at imagining what others are feeling. 11 to 12 Better than most 10 About average 9 You find putting yourself in another’s shoes a challenge. 8 or lower You could benefit from practicing your empathy skills.

What your number means 33 or higher Extremely empathetic. 27 to 33 Quite empathetic. 25 or 26 Average. 23 or 24 Below average. 22 and below Low on empathy.

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