“we’d do the weird stuff”: joss whedon’s naughty side david lavery “we’d do the weird...

“We’d do the weird stuff”:Joss Whedon’s Naughty Side

David Lavery


David Lavery

Thanks to

http://davidlavery.net/weird_stuff


Rated: XXXLegend of Deceny Rating:Go Directly to Hell


Rated: XXXLegend of Deceny Rating:Go Directly to Hell

The Pledge of the Legion of Decency“In the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Ghost. Amen. I condemn all indecent and immoral motion pictures, and those which glorify crime or criminals. I promise to do all that I can to strengthen public opinion against the production of indecent and immoral films, and to unite with all who protest against them. I acknowledge my obligation to form a right conscience about pictures that are dangerous to my moral life. I pledge myself to remain away from them. I promise, further, to stay away altogether from places of amusement which show them as a matter of policy.”

WILLOW: Buffy! Oh god.BUFFY: Come on.(Buffy helps her up and through the curtain. They're in a Sunnydale High classroom.)BUFFY: Stay low. What did it look like?WILLOW: I don't know. I--I don't know what's after me.BUFFY: Well, you must have done something.WILLOW: No. I never do anything. I'm very seldom naughty. “Restless” (4.22)

Very Often Naughty

“We'd do the weird stuff”“We'd do the weird stuff”

Dealing with Censors

Self-CensorshipDeclining NumbersGaming the Refs (Larry David—right)Outwitting the Gatekeeeper



David Franken: Programmer for Australia's Seven Network for twenty five years

Buffy: Not a Teen Drama

“Rat Saw God” (Veronica Mars 2.6)

Joss the Naughty

Joss the Naughty

A Tour of the Naughty Whedonverse


British Profanity

wanker bugger bint shag sod ponce bollocks


Giles: We few, we happy few.Spike: We band of buggered (“The Gift,” 5.22)

Giles: We few, we happy few.Spike: We band of buggered (“The Gift,” 5.22)

SPIKE: Oh, poor Watcher. Did your life pass before your eyes? Cuppa tea, cuppa tea, almost got shagged, cuppa tea? (”Bargaining,” Part 1, 6.1)

SPIKE: Oh, poor Watcher. Did your life pass before your eyes? Cuppa tea, cuppa tea, almost got shagged, cuppa tea? (”Bargaining,” Part 1, 6.1)

In “Amends” (3.10), Buffy finds her mother putting up the family Christmas tree. When Joyce asks for quite natural decorating advice—“So, angel's on top again?”—Buffy, her mind on a different kind of Angel, is startled by the question and suggests going with a star instead.


FAITH: Hold me. (uses him for leverage while popping her shoulder back in) That's better. She got me really wound up. A fight like that and... no kill... I'm about ready to pop. XANDER: (nervously) Really? Pop?! FAITH: (smiles sexily) You up for it?


XANDER: (nods) Oh, I'm up. I'm suddenly *very* up. It's just, um... I've never been up with people before. FAITH: Just relax... And take your pants off. XANDER: Those two concepts are antithetical. FAITH: Don't worry. I'll steer you around the curves. XANDER: Did I mention that I'm having a very strange night?

“The Zeppo” (3.13)

In “The Freshman” (4.1), the first episode of Buffy’s college years, Willow enthuses about the academic possibilities of university life:

It's just in High School, knowledge was pretty much frowned upon. You really had to work to learn anything. But here, the energy, the collective intelligence, it's like this force, this penetrating force, and I can just feel my mind opening up—you know?—and letting this place thrust into and spurt knowledge into ... that sentence ended up in a different place than it started out in.


In Season Four’s Emmy-nominated “Hush” (4.10), Xander mistakes Buffy’s pantomimed staking of The Gentlemen until she adds an actual stake to the demonstration.


Later, Anya shows her appreciation for Xander’s “bravery” against Spike by inserting her right index finger in and out of the circle formed by her left thumb and index finger.


In “Who Are You” (4.16), Faith-in-Buffy encounters the Vampire Spike, whom she has never met, who picks a verbal fight with his nemesis—and looses badly:


Spike: You know why I really hate you, Summers?Faith: (cheerfully) 'Cause I'm a stuck-up tight-ass with no sense of fun?Spike: Well . . . Yeah, that covers a lot of it.Faith: 'Cause I could do anything I want, and instead I choose to pout and whine and feel the burden of Slayerness? I mean, I could be rich. I could be famous. I could have anything. Anyone. Even you, Spike. I could ride you at a gallop until your legs buckled and your eyes rolled up. I've got muscles you've never even dreamed of. I could squeeze you until you pop like warm champagne and you'd beg me to hurt you just a little bit more. And you know why I don't? Because it's wrong.


In the same episode, Faith-in Buffy deduces, in conversation with Tara, that Willow is now gay,

So Willow's not driving stick anymore. Who would have thought? I guess you never really know someone until you've been inside their skin.


In the same season’s “Restless” (4.22), Xander and Oz talk to their witch friend (and Oz’s former lover) and about her new love Tara:

Xander: So whatcha been doin'? Doing spells? (To Oz) She does spells with Tara.Oz: Yeah, I heard about that.Willow: (anxious) I'm gonna be late. (Walks off)Xander: Sometimes I think about two women doing a spell ... and then I do a spell by myself. (Oz looks at him. Xander looks at Oz, then quickly away.)


In “Family” (5.6) Spike baits the Slayer to “Come and get it,” and she responds “I’m coming right now”—all of which turns out to be the vampire’s fantasizing while he has sex with Harmony.


In “The Gift” (5.22), Spike answers Xander’s question why dark rituals always involve blood:

'Cause it's always gotta be blood. Blood is life, lackbrain. Why do you think we eat it? It's what keeps you going, makes you warm, makes you hard, makes you other than dead.


In the famous musical episode of Buffy, Season Six’s “Once More with Feeling” (6.7), Tara levitates from her bed in response to Willow’s out-of-frame ministrations as she sings “You make me complete. You make me com . . .”


In “Smashed” (6.9), Spike and Buffy’s torrid hate sex literally brings the house down.


And in “Gone” (6.11) an invisible Buffy is very busy both beneath the sheets . . .


. . . and below the frame.


In the teaser of “Chosen” (7.22), the final, 144th episode of Buffy, the Slayer and Caleb, The First’s chief minion, do battle, a clash continued from “End of Days” the previous week. Facing Buffy as she wields her magic scythe, he taunts her that “she doesn’t have the . . .” to battle him (the last word inaudible/censored). She responds by slicing him in two—from the groin up. “Who does these days,” she quips in classic Slayer style, referring, of course, to the “balls” Caleb had been unable to pronounce. “I've always been amazed with how Buffy fought,” Xander observes in “Anne” (3.1), “but . . . in a way, I feel like we took her punning for granted.”


Moments later in “Chosen,” Buffy tries to explain to Angel her growth—and her unfinishedness—with a baking metaphor:

Because—OK, I'm cookie dough. I'm not done baking. I'm not finished becoming whoever the hell it is I'm gonna turn out to be. I make it through this, and the next thing, and the next thing, and maybe one day I turn around and realize I'm ready. I'm cookies. And then, you know, if I want someone to eat— (eyes go wide as she catches herself) or enjoy warm, delicious cookie me, then . . . that's fine. That'll be then. When I'm done.


In the same episode, Willow worries aloud about the “Beacoup d’mojo” she is being asked to perform (transferring the power of The Slayer to all potential slayers everywhere), and 16 year old Dawn is a bit slow to fathom her metaphor:

Willow: Whoa, hey! Not to poop on the party here but I’m the guy who’s going to have to pull this thing off. . . . This goes beyond anything I’ve ever done. It’s a total loss of control and not in a nice, wholesome, “my girlfriend has a pierced tongue” kind of way.Buffy: I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t think you could do it. WILLOW: I’m not sure that I’m stable enough. . . .Dawn: (realizes) Oh! Pierced tongue!


In the first episode of Angel (“City of,” 1.1), Doyle refers to newly employed Cordelia as a “stiffener.”


In “Waiting in the Wings,” Cordelia and Angel, under the spell of the magic theatre, kiss and almost make love. When Cordelia comments that “it's a good thing it wears off right away," Angel readily agrees, while at the same time removing his tux jacket and strategically placing it over his genitals.


In “Spin the Bottle,” a Season Four episode of Angel (4.6) in which Lorne’s magic spell goes awry causes all the members of Angel Investigations to revert to their teen selves, we find this exchange between Cordelia and Wesley as he introduces himself:

Wesley: It's Wesley, thank you. Wyndham-Pryce. (grabs his lapels, puffs up with pride) I am from the Watcher's Academy in southern Hampshire. In fact, I happen to be head boy. Cordelia: Gee, I wonder how you earned that nickname. Wesley: A lot of effort, I don't mind saying.


Later in the same episode, wooden stakes, fitted before Wesley and the others lose their memory, inadvertently, embarrassingly erupt from his sleeves.


In “Serenity,” Firefly’s intended first episode, Jayne, after being castigated by Mal for his remark that Kaylee wishes Simon was a gynecologist, responds “Just because Kaylee gets herself all lubed up over . . .” before the Captain silences him and banishes him from the table.


In “Our Mrs. Reynolds,” after Jayne seeks to trade Vera, his prized weapon, for Mal’s unsought “bride” Saffron, the Captain rejects his offer and send him to his room with “Go play with your rainstick.” Moments later Mal tells “a naked and all articulate” Saffron that “it’s been a while . . . a long damn while since anybody but me took a hold a’ my plow.”


In Serenity, Kaylee utters a similar complaint—that it has been a year since she has had anything “twixt her nethers weren’t run on batteries.”


KAYLEE: Oh, I didn't plan on going out like this. I think we did right, but . . .

SIMON: I never planned . . . anything. I just wanted to keep River safe. Spent so much time on Serenity trying to find us a home I never realized I already had. She looks at him with soft surprise.

SIMON: My one true regret in all this is never being with you.

KAYLEE: With me? You mean to say, as, sex?

SIMON: (smiles) I mean to say.


Kaylee snaps her cartridge home with way more precision than we might expect from her, takes steady aim at the door.

KAYLEE: Hell with this. I'm gonna live.

Dr. Horrible: Well, this is great. I wish I could stay and chit-chat.Captain Hammer: Well it sure was nice to meet you… Doctor… You got a little crush, don’t you Doc? Well that’s gonna make this hard to hear. See, later I’m gonna take little Penny back to my place, show her the Command Center, Hammer Cycle, maybe even the Ham-Jet. You think she likes me now? I’m gonna give Penny the night of her life. Just because you want her, and I get what you want. See, Penny’s giving it up. She’s givin it up hard, cause she’s with Captain Hammer. and THESE are not the hammer. The hammer is my penis.


In Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog, Captain Hammer sings of his “love” for new girlfriend Penny:

This is so niceI just might sleep with the same girl twiceThey say it's better the second timeThey say you get to do the weird stuff

From left of the frame his stalkerish fans, two females, one male, pop in to announce, hopefully, “We'd do the weird stuff.”



A viewer with a dirty mind might be tempted to find something profane in such language—might assume the speaker in indiginous meanings in mind . . .

wanker: someone who engages in perpetual masturbationbugger: to engage in “sodomy”bint: roughly equivalent to “bitch”shag: have sex withsod: frakponce: a pejorative term for gaybollocks: testicles

A viewer with a dirty mind might be tempted to find something profane in such language—might assume the speaker in indiginous meanings in mind . . .

wanker: someone who engages in perpetual masturbationbugger: to engage in “sodomy”bint: roughly equivalent to “bitch”shag: have sex withsod: frakponce: a pejorative term for gaybollocks: testicles

British Profanity

wanker bugger bint shag sod ponce bollocks

In “Amends” (3.10), Buffy finds her mother putting up the family Christmas tree. When Joyce asks for quite natural decorating advice—“So, angel's on top again?”—Buffy, her mind on a different kind of Angel, is startled by the question and suggests going with a star instead.


A viewer with a dirty mind might be tempted to find something naughty in such a scene—might assume . . .

Buffy thought her mother was asking her if she was having missionary position sex with Angel . . .


Buffy thought her mother was asking her if she was having missionary position sex with Angel . . .

In “The Zeppo” (3.13)XANDER: (nods) Oh, I'm up. I'm suddenly *very* up. It's just, um... I've never been up with people before. FAITH: Just relax... And take your pants off. XANDER: Those two concepts are antithetical. FAITH: Don't worry. I'll steer you around the curves. XANDER: Did I mention that I'm having a very strange night?



Xander admits that, though he has often masturbated, he has never had sex—and that he is equating his state of arousal with a smaltzy Christian singing group.


Xander admits that, though he has often masturbated, he has never had sex—and that he is equating his state of arousal with a smaltzy Christian singing group.

In “The Freshman” (4.1), the first episode of Buffy’s college years, Willow enthuses about the academic possibilities of university life:

It's just in High School, knowledge was pretty much frowned upon. You really had to work to learn anything. But here, the energy, the collective intelligence, it's like this force, this penetrating force, and I can just feel my mind opening up—you know?—and letting this place thrust into and spurt knowledge into ... that sentence ended up in a different place than it started out in.



Willow confused the acquisition of knowledge with the male orgasm . . .


Willow confused the acquisition of knowledge with the male orgasm . . .

In Season Four’s Emmy-nominated “Hush” (4.10), Xander mistakes Buffy’s pantomimed staking of The Gentlemen until she adds an actual stake to the demonstration.



that Xander thought Buffy was miming a masturbatory act . . .


that Xander thought Buffy was miming a masturbatory act . . .

Later, Anya shows her appreciation for Xander’s “bravery” against Spike by inserting her right index finger in and out of the circle formed by her left thumb and index finger.



that Anya was suggesting Xander insert his penis inside her . . .


that Anya was suggesting Xander insert his penis inside her . . .

In “Who Are You” (4.16), Faith (in Buffy’s body) deduces, in conversation with Tara, that Willow is now gay,

So Willow's not driving stick anymore. Who would have thought? I guess you never really know someone until you've been inside their skin.



that Faith-in-Buffy had identified Willow as someone no longer interested in the phallus . . .


that Faith-in-Buffy had identified Willow as someone no longer interested in the phallus . . .

In the same episode, Faith-in-Buffy encounters the Vampire Spike, whom she has never met, who picks a verbal fight with his nemesis—and looses badly:

Spike: You know why I really hate you, Summers?Faith: (cheerfully) 'Cause I'm a stuck-up tight-ass with no sense of fun?Spike: Well . . . Yeah, that covers a lot of it.Faith: 'Cause I could do anything I want, and instead I choose to pout and whine and feel the burden of Slayerness? I mean, I could be rich. I could be famous. I could have anything. Anyone. Even you, Spike. I could ride you at a gallop until your legs buckled and your eyes rolled up. I've got muscles you've never even dreamed of. I could squeeze you until you pop like warm champagne and you'd beg me to hurt you just a little bit more. And you know why I don't? Because it's wrong.



that Faith-in-Buffy was suggesting she could bring Spike to an orgasm . . .


that Faith-in-Buffy was suggesting she could bring Spike to an orgasm . . .

In the same season’s “Restless” (4.22), Xander and Oz talk of their witch friend and her new love Tara:

Xander: So whatcha been doin'? Doing spells? (To Oz) She does spells with Tara.Oz: Yeah, I heard about that.Willow: (anxious) I'm gonna be late. (Walks off)Xander: Sometimes I think about two women doing a spell ... and then I do a spell by myself. (Oz looks at him. Xander looks at Oz, then quickly away.)



that Xander admitted that the thought of two women having lesbian sex inspired him to masturbate . . .


that Xander admitted that the thought of two women having lesbian sex inspired him to masturbate . . .

In “Family” (5.6) Spike baits the Slayer to “Come and get it,” and she responds “I’m coming right now”—all of which turns out to be the vampire’s fantasizing while he has sex with Harmony.



that these are references to sexual climax . . .


that these are references to sexual climax . . .

In “The Gift” (5.22), Spike answers Xander’s question why dark rituals always involve blood:

'Cause it's always gotta be blood. Blood is life, lackbrain. Why do you think we eat it? It's what keeps you going, makes you warm, makes you hard, makes you other than dead.



that Spike made reference to the engorgement with blood that causes a male erection . . .


that Spike made reference to the engorgement with blood that causes a male erection . . .

In the famous musical episode of Buffy, Season Six’s “Once More with Feeling” (6.7), Tara levitates from her bed in response to Willow’s out-of-frame ministrations as she sings “You make me complete. You make me com . . .”



that Willow was performing cunnilingus on Tara, resulting in orgasm . . .


that Willow was performing cunnilingus on Tara, resulting in orgasm . . .

In the teaser of “Chosen” (7.22), the final, 144th episode of Buffy, the Slayer and Caleb, The First’s chief minion, do battle, a clash continued from “End of Days” the previous week. Facing Buffy as she wields her magic scythe, he taunts her that “she doesn’t have the . . .” to battle him (the last word inaudible/censored). She responds by slicing him in two—from the groin up. “Who does these days,” she quips in classic Slayer style, referring, of course, to the “balls” Caleb had been unable to pronounce. “I've always been amazed with how Buffy fought,” Xander observes in “Anne” (3.1), “but . . . in a way, I feel like we took her punning for granted.”


A viewer with a dirty mind might be tempted to find something naughty in such a scene--might assume . . .

that Buffy was joking about her castration of Caleb . . .


that Buffy was joking about her castration of Caleb . . .

Moments later in “Chosen,” Buffy tries to explain to Angel her growth—and her unfinishedness—with a baking metaphor:

Because—OK, I'm cookie dough. I'm not done baking. I'm not finished becoming whoever the hell it is I'm gonna turn out to be. I make it through this, and the next thing, and the next thing, and maybe one day I turn around and realize I'm ready. I'm cookies. And then, you know, if I want someone to eat— (eyes go wide as she catches herself) or enjoy warm, delicious cookie me, then . . . that's fine. That'll be then. When I'm done.



that Buffy was suggesting that someone should perform cunnilingus on her . . .


that Buffy was suggesting that someone should perform cunnilingus on her . . .

In the same episode, Willow worries aloud about the “Beacoup d’mojo” she is being asked to perform (transferring the power of The Slayer to all potential slayers everywhere), and 16 year old Dawn is a bit slow to fathom her metaphor:

Willow: Whoa, hey! Not to poop on the party here but I’m the guy who’s going to have to pull this thing off. . . . This goes beyond anything I’ve ever done. It’s a total loss of control and not in a nice, wholesome, “my girlfriend has a pierced tongue” kind of way.Buffy: I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t think you could do it.WILLOW: I’m not sure that I’m stable enough. . . .Dawn: (realizes) Oh! Pierced tongue!



that Willow’s new lover Kennedy was using her pierced tongue in sexual ways . . .


that Willow’s new lover Kennedy was using her pierced tongue in sexual ways . . .

In the first episode of Angel (“City of,” 1.1), Doyle refers to newly employed Cordelia as a “stiffener.”



that Doyle was referring to Cordelia’s ability to cause an erection . . .


that Doyle was referring to Cordelia’s ability to cause an erection . . .

In “Waiting in the Wings,” Cordelia and Angel, under the spell of the magic theatre, kiss and almost make love. When Cordelia comments that “it's a good thing it wears off right away," Angel readily agrees, while at the same time removing his tux jacket and strategically placing it over his genitals.



that Angel was trying to hide his arousal . . .


that Angel was trying to hide his arousal . . .

In “Spin the Bottle,” a Season Four episode of Angel (4.6) in which Lorne’s magic spell goes awry causes all the members of Angel Investigations to revert to their teen selves, we find this exchange between Cordelia and Wesley as he introduces himself:

Wesley: It's Wesley, thank you. Wyndham-Pryce. (grabs his lapels, puffs up with pride) I am from the Watcher's Academy in southern Hampshire. In fact, I happen to be head boy. Cordelia: Gee, I wonder how you earned that nickname. Wesley: A lot of effort, I don't mind saying.



that Cordelia was implying that Wesley had earned his title by administrating fellatio on his school chums . . .


that Cordelia was implying that Wesley had earned his title by administrating fellatio on his school chums . . .

Later in the same episode, wooden stakes, fitted before Wesley and the others lose their memory, inadvertently, embarrassingly erupt from his sleeves.



that Wesley’s emerging projectiles stand in for unsought male arousal . . .


that Wesley’s emerging projectiles stand in for unsought male arousal . . .

In “Serenity,” Firefly’s intended first episode, Jayne, after being castigated by Mal for his remark that Kaylee wishes Simon was a gynecologist, responds “Just because Kaylee gets herself all lubed up over . . .” before the Captain silences him and banishes him from the table.



that Jayne is suggesting that Simon causes Kaylee to . . . (you know) . . .


that Jayne is suggesting that Simon causes Kaylee to . . . (you know) . . .

In “Our Mrs. Reynolds,” after Jayne seeks to trade Vera, his prized weapon, for Mal’s unsought “bride” Saffron, the Captain rejects his offer and send him to his room with “Go play with your rainstick.” Moments later Mal tells “a naked and all articulate” Saffron that “it’s been a while . . . a long damn while since anybody but me took a hold a’ my plow.”



that Mal instructed Jayne to masturbate (in lieu of acquiring “Our Mrs. Reynolds”) and confessed that he was the only one of late who had touched his penis . . .


that Mal instructed Jayne to masturbate (in lieu of acquiring “Our Mrs. Reynolds”) and confessed that he was the only one of late who had touched his penis . . .

In Serenity, Kaylee utters a similar complaint—that it has been a year since she has had anything “twixt her nethers weren’t run on batteries.”



that Kaylee’s only lover in recent memory has been a battery-powered vibrator . . .


that Kaylee’s only lover in recent memory has been a battery-powered vibrator . . .

In Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog, Captain Hammer sings of his “love” for new girlfriend Penny:

This is so niceI just might sleep with the same girl twiceThey say it's better the second timeThey say you get to do the weird stuff

From left of the frame his stalkerish fans, two females, one male, pop in to announce, hopefully, “We'd do the weird stuff.”



that Captain Hammer is anticipating engaging in sexual perversions with his new lover—a dream of kinkiness his groupies, both male and female, would gladly make real . . .


that Captain Hammer is anticipating engaging in sexual perversions with his new lover—a dream of kinkiness his groupies, both male and female, would gladly make real . . .


BowdlerizingBowdlerizing

Mixing Pathos,Laughter, . . . and the Naughty


Whedon’s Emotional Realism


SwingingEasyinHarness


Robert Frost

“we’d do the weird stuff”: joss whedon’s naughty side david lavery “we’d do the weird...

Documents

naughty slide

weird stuff xander

weird stuff giles

joss whedons naughty

teen drama slide

years buffy

naughty whedonverse

cuppa tea