Welcome to the World of Relational Welcome to the World of Relational Aggression…Aggression…

“FEMALE BULLYING”“FEMALE BULLYING”

Jewel E. Hairston, Ph.D.4-H Specialist

Virginia State University(804) 524-5965

jhairsto@vsu.edu

What is Relational Aggression?What is Relational Aggression?

Also known as “female bullying”

It includes acts that harm others through damage to relationships or to feelings of

acceptance, friendship, or group inclusion.

What causes it to occur?What causes it to occur?

We live in a culture of indirection

“The good girl is nice first, even before she is honest.”

Sarah Michelle Gellar as Kathryn in “Cruel Intentions”

What causes it to occur?What causes it to occur? Because girls in our society are not allowed to

have conflict openly and act aggressively, they aggress covertly.

For girls, conflict = loss Notions of the “rite of passage” According to society, girl/girl relationships are

insignificant.

Why do we need to discuss it?Why do we need to discuss it? Female relationships

become the weapon when there are no tools to negotiate conflict.

Schools and organizations lack consistent public strategies for dealing with girl bullying.

It attacks the self-esteem of girls and often effects them for the rest of their lives.

It is mostly important to discuss this It is mostly important to discuss this because…because…

It typically happens beneath the radar of of niceness…and goes undetected.

…Ultimately, it is ignored

How do girls bully different from boys?How do girls bully different from boys?

Boy bullying = Inflicting physical pain and verbally articulating anger. When in danger boys opt for “fight or flight.”

Girl bullying = Inflicting psychological pain through body language. When in danger girls “tend and befriend.”

How do girls bully different from How do girls bully different from boys? (cont.)boys? (cont.)

Boys tend to either bully people they know of or strangers; however, girls attack within tightly knit friendships.

Girls’ aggression is more difficult to identify than boys’ aggression.

Why do girls bully?Why do girls bully? THE QUEST FOR…THE QUEST FOR…

POPULARITY and SOCIAL POPULARITY and SOCIAL STATUSSTATUS

Characteristics of girl bulliesCharacteristics of girl bullies

Desires to control friends to stay popular or to seek a rise in social status

Seeks a sense of security from a friend or a group

May feel threatened by a group and feels there is no other choice but to bully others

May have been a former victim of bullying

Fears isolation

Characteristics of victimsCharacteristics of victims

Fearful of losing a relationship

May be less popular than other girls

May be shy, insecure, or lack self-esteem

May be extremely confident or successful in something

The girl who thinks she’s “all that” is The girl who thinks she’s “all that” is a definite target for bullyinga definite target for bullying

“All That” – Confident, Competitive and Assertive

Bullying techniquesBullying techniques

The silent treatment Name callingAlliance buildingExclusionBackbiting & backstabbingGritting

Aggression in girls of color…a little Aggression in girls of color…a little different perceptiondifferent perception

Conflict is an essential part of maintaining dignity

Girls of color learn from their mothers to confront others

Girls are socialized for independence

Clear lines of demarcation between friends

Avoiding conflict leads to confrontations (being labeled weak or “hit.”

What can the volunteer leader do?What can the volunteer leader do?

Ban these behaviors and socialize girls away from them.

Empathize!Encourage health

truth telling and conflict.

What can the volunteer leader What can the volunteer leader do?do?

Talking with kids about alternative aggressions is absolutely necessary.

What is wrong with this statement?What is wrong with this statement?

Wrong - “It’s just a phase” or “It happens to everyone.”

Better - “Oh that is terrible. I’m sorry…It happened to me too.”

Wrong - “What could you be doing to cause this?”

Better - Do you want to brainstorm together about how we got there?

What is wrong with this statement?What is wrong with this statement?

Wrong - “You’re being too sensitive. They don’t really mean it!”

Better – “How can you tell their not joking? Are you sure they really mean to make you feel bad?”

Wrong - “This is the way girls are. You may as well get used to it.”

Better – “Did you know there are some answers about why some girls act in these ways when they get angry?”

What to tell the girls to do to find What to tell the girls to do to find relief…relief…

Get help Lose them Get it out Do something It will end – One day

you will wake up and not have to go to school with these people!

Girls need to be given the Girls need to be given the opportunity to…opportunity to…

Admit jealousy, anger & frustrationBecome your own personStop concentrating on “making

friends.”Understand that the pain of bullying

can and will eventually stop!

Denying girls the right to be Denying girls the right to be angry leads them to cruel and angry leads them to cruel and

inappropriate acts…inappropriate acts…

Empowering them to be true Empowering them to be true to their feelings and their to their feelings and their

emotions helps them soar!emotions helps them soar!