Wise words

were shared with me

recently, “I would rather be poor

and live in the sun than poor back in blighty!!

We can just drink our way through it..........”

Well, I'll drink to that!

Despite these hard times, life goes on and there's

always positives to take. Last month Alhaurin Auctions

raised 1,875€ at their Charity Auction – a superb effort,

well done guys! On a sporting side, Malaga F.C are

climbing high in La Primera in their first season back in

the top flight. If you haven't been to watch Malaga play

I would recommend it, it's a good venue and excellent

atmosphere. With teams like Real and Barcelona

visiting the city, it's an opportunity to see some top

names play some top football!

So, what's new this month, TC fotografia is offering a

photoshoot (& print) by simply answering one question.

See page 22 for details. If you are not familiar with her

work, Toni has travelled the world with her camera on

her shoulder and after 10 years of working freelance,

Toni has now settled in Andalucia working with young

and old alike. View her galleries: www.tcfotografia.com.

Country Farmers are launching their NEW market in

Alora from Thursday 19th March. See Advert page 29.

Jk's have a double whammy this month with a Neil

Diamond experience (Fri 13th March) and Costa Rock

night (Fri 27th March). Finally, The Rat Pack is back!

Every Tuesday from March 17th The Rat Pack will be

performing at the Hotel Sol Don Marco in Torremolinos.

Cover Photo: ‘Kite Surfers’ - Los Alamos, 2008

March ‘09Issue 24

What’s Inside

06 Enter the weird world of Strange News

08 Release cash lump sums with Lifetime Mortgages

10 We investigate to discover who really is Jack Schitt

12 They’re back! It’s the Rat Pack

14 Can’t get enough of them? Useless Facts

16 Moroccan stew (try it Louise), Food For Thought

18 Are you in the 2% or 98%, find out in Think Now!

20 Opening the pool for the season... Deep Blue Pools

24 Expats rally for local children... Latest News

28 Tips to keep them moths away, Rosies Patch

32 Is it your lucky month? Find out in your Horoscopes

34 Kids have it all to say in Eezy-peezy!

36 Back in La Primera and flying high, Malaga F.C.

40 Got a minute, you’ll need it! Puzzle Page

44 What are retired people getting up to these days? Jokes

47 Avoid commissions, Businesses For Sale

48 Services for the Costa del Sol, Business Directory

Lovers' Island discovered

on Google Earth

A tiny heart-shaped island in the Adriatic has

become a holiday hit for St Valentine's Day

after being discovered on Google Earth.

Even the island's owner didn't realise how

perfectly heart-shaped the island off the

Croatian coast was until he was swamped

with requests from lovers to stay there.

"It has been incredible. We think it is the most

perfect heart-shaped island in the world,"

said Vlado Juresko whose family owns the

130,000 square yard islet of Galesnjak,

hastily redubbed Lovers' Island.

"Nobody lives there so if lovers really do want

to spend time alone it's the perfect deserted

island.

"We always thought it looked a bit like a heart

but since it's been on Google Earth everyone

else has seen it too and the whole world

seems to want to stay here."

Pig burns down house

A pet pig saved its own bacon by jumping in

the bath after it burned its owner's house

down in Sweden. The Vietnamese pot

bellied porker had knocked over a table lamp

setting fire to curtains and was trapped in the

house in Lulea.

But as firefighters searched the property they

discovered the terrified, singed pig cowering

in the bath. Fireman Peter Frykman said:

"We initially thought it was arson as no-one

was home but then we found the scorched

but still alive pig and the broken lamp and

realised what had happened."

Lifetime Mortgages

Lifetime Mortgages are exactly that,

for life. You never make a repayment

and the debt is only cleared when the

property is sold or the last registered

owner has died!

The advantages are that a cash lump

sum can be released from the property

and used however the property owner

wishes, investment to produce additional

income, holiday, new car, reformation,

etc. etc.

Being a ‘non-status’ mortgage no

income paperwork is required and the

property acts as the security. The

mortgage can be secured on any type of

registered property, including rustic.

Sounds good…but:

‘Lifetime’ mortgages are only available

for property owners over the age of 65

and the funds released start at 20% of

the valuation. Fees, taxes and charges

are deducted from the advance.

The Lifetime Mortgage receives no

repayments and being a capital and

interest mortgage the debt increases

over time. The interest rate is currently

fixed at 7.25%.

This type of mortgage could reduce the

equity received by your beneficiaries but

will reduce the amount of inheritance tax

to pay as IHT is net of debt.

An independent lawyer is instructed, by

the lender, to speak to ALL applicants in

order that they understand the mortgage

terms BEFORE the lender will go ahead

with any borrowing. This confirms that

you understand the product, the

conditions, benefits and downfalls and

has not been miss sold.

For further information please contact

Atkinson Spanish Mortgages.

See Advert pg 14

WHO IS

JACK SCHITT?

For some time many of us have

wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when

someone says, 'You don't know Jack

Schitt'! Well, thanks to my genealogy

efforts, you can now respond in an

intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.

Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, who

married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep

N. Schitt, Inc.

They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack

Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply

religious couple produced six children:

Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull

Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip

Schitt.

Against her parents’ objections, Deep

Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school

dropout. After being married 15 years,

Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt

later married Ted Sherlock, and because

her kids were living with them, she

wanted to keep her previous name. She

was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda

Schitt, and they produced a son with a

rather nervous disposition named

Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six

children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt,

were inseparable throughout childhood

and subsequently married the Happens

brothers in a dual ceremony. The

wedding announcement in the

newspaper announced the Schitt-Hap-

pens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens

children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to

tour the world. He recently returned from

Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't

know Jack Schitt', you can correct them.

Sincerely, Crock O. Schitt

PRESS RELEASE!THE RAT PACK IS BACK!

Ian Green’s immensely popular and

widely-acclaimed production of “The Rat

Pack” will be premiering at the Hotel Sol

Don Marco in Torremolinos on Tuesday

17th March, with performances every

Tuesday thereafter.

This exciting and extremely professional

show stars 3 very talented and

accomplished singers playing Frank

Sinatra (Martin Joseph), Dean Martin

(Dave Lee) & Sammy Davis Jr, (Thomas

Henry), 3 beautiful, elegant and

professional “Las Vegas” dancers (with

14 costume changes), backed by the

Marbella Big Band. The production

includes over 30 famous and well-loved

classic songs (including “My Way”, “New

York, New York”, “Mr Bojangles”,

“Volare”, “I Left My Heart In San

Francisco” etc.

The show perfectly captures not only the

wonderful music and comedy of the

original legends, but also the remarkable

personalities of the stars who truly ruled

the entertainment world.

The stylish show starts at 9.30pm (doors

open 8.45pm) and runs for 2½ hours

(including a 15-minute interval).

Tickets for “The Rat Pack” are only €25

each (with discounts offered for group

bookings) and can be reserved by

calling The Ticket Hotline on 952 574

052

Alternatively, bookings can be made by

credit card through the Tick Tack Ticket

Booking Hotline on 902 150 025, or

online at www.ticktackticket.com.

Months that

begin on a Sunday

will always have a "Friday

the 13th." As is the case this year

in February, March & November.

Any month that has a Friday the 13th also

has a Wednesday the 25th.

Triskaidekaphobia means fear of the number

13. Paraskevidekatriaphobia means fear of

Friday the 13th.

It is documented that this fear of Friday the

13th costs millions of dollars a year in

business loss due absenteeism and

cancelled appointments.

In many hotels and skyscrapers, there is no

13th floor. Most airplanes have no seat 13.

In Italy, it is usual to leave out 13 in

numbering the lottery tickets.

The very first St. Patrick's Day parade was

not in Ireland. It was in Boston in 1737.

Many cities dye their local rivers green in

celebration of Saint Patrick's Day.

Bailey's Irish Cream which was launched in

Ireland in the early seventies is now the most

popular liqueur in the world.

According to the Guinness Book of World

Records, the highest number of leaves found

on a clover is 14!

One estimate suggests that there are about

10,000 regular three-leaf clovers for every

lucky four-leaf clover.

Legend says that each leaf of the clover

means something: the first is for hope, the

second for faith, the third for love and the

fourth for luck.

34 million Americans have Irish ancestry,

according to the 2003 US Census. That’s

almost nine times the population of Ireland,

which has 4.1 million people.

2 Onions

1 Garlic clove finely chopped

1 Red pepper

1 Celery stick

1 tsp Turmeric

1 tsp Cumin

1 tsp Coriander (ground)

Chilli Powder (to taste depending on how hot

you like it)

1 Aubergine

1 Courgette

2 medium size Potatoes

3 Carrots

300g jar of Chickpeas (Garbanzos)

400g tinned tomatoes

500 ml vegetable stock

Lightly fry garlic, onion celery and peppers in

a big casserole dish in a little oil. Once

softened add spices and stir through. Throw

all the vege’s in to the pot and add stock &

tinned toms. Give a good stir, bring to the

boil then cover with lid and simmer for about

an hour.

Serve hot with couscous and/or crusty bread.

Enjoy!

Ingredients:

Method:

For die hard

meat eaters, add

in some diced

lamb and you’re

sorted!

Moroccan Vegetable StewThis deliciously hearty stew is perfect when you have very little

time to get dinner together taking only 10 mins to prepare. Even if you are

not a vegetarian you’ll be sure to enjoy this one too!

Are you in the 2% or 98% of

the Population?

Just follow these instructions, and answer

the questions one at a time and as quickly

as you can!

Again, as quickly as you can but don't

advance until you've done each of them.

THINK of a number from 1 to 10

MULTIPLY that number by 9

If the number is a 2-digit number, ADD the

digits together

Now SUBTRACT 5

DETERMINE which letter in the alphabet

corresponds to the number you ended up

with (example: 1=a, 2=b, 3=c,etc.)

THINK of a country that starts with that

letter

REMEMBER the last letter of the name of

that country

THINK of the name of an animal that starts

with that letter

REMEMBER the last letter in the name of

that animal

THINK of the name of a fruit that starts with

that letter

Are you thinking of a Kangaroo in Denmark

eating an Orange?

Isn't that FREAKY!! If not for you, you're

among the 2% of the population whose

minds are different enough to think of

something else. However, 98% of people

will answer with Kangaroos in Denmark

eating oranges when given this exercise.

Perfect Pools

- Opening the pool for the season

Around this time of year your thoughts may

be turning towards the impending opening of

the pool. If you have a dirty pool, or allowed

yours to turn sour over the winter, you will

have a lot to do before you can swim. Don’t

put it off too long – it will only get worse. If

you have not opened up your own pool

before, and you are in any doubt as what to

do, our advice is to call in your local pool

centre/service engineer to do the job for you.

If you want to do the work yourself, the

following should be helpful.

Remove surface water and debris from the

winter cover before taking it off. Clean and

thoroughly dry it, ready for storage. A

cleaning mixture can be made from 100cc of

liquid chlorine in 10 litres of water – scrub it

onto the top and underside of the cover to kill

off algae and mould spores.

Using a leaf net, remove as much rubbish

and debris from the pool as possible. Clean

tide marks from the pool walls with a 50/50

mix of hydrochloric acid and water. This mix

is also good for cleaning the white

‘Coronation Stone’ surround to pools. Apply

to the surround with a broom and scrub away

to remove staining and embedded dust.

Work quickly to minimise the effects of the

acid and rinse off into the pool water. (Any

acid that is still active after cleaning the

surround will help to reduce the pH of the

pool water.)

Make sure all electrical connections are free

from damp or condensation - call in an

electrician if you are in any doubt about what

you are doing. Replace the fuses or reset the

circuit breakers. Set the timer clock to the

correct time of day and correct operating

period – 4 hours in each 12.

Check that there are no obstructions to

drains, outlets and the pump strainer basket.

Top up the water to 75mm (3”) above normal

level; bleed the air from the filter, pipes and

pump. Replace skimmer baskets if they were

removed for the winter.

Set the rotary valve to ‘Filter’. Turn on the

pump and check that the filter, skimmers and

drains are all working. Don’t worry if the

water from the circulation is initially

discoloured.

Vacuum the bottom and steps to ‘Waste’.

Then run the pump on ‘Circulate’ for 4 hours;

this will collect any remaining debris in a few

spots on the pool-bottom. Vacuum the

clusters of debris to ‘Waste’. Check and

empty the pump strainer basket again.

Check the pH and get it as near as possible

to 7.4. Superchlorinate to10 ppm with liquid

chlorine to kill any algae that may be present

- dosage rate is 2.1 litres per 50 cu m. Place

1 crushed and 1 whole Tricloro tablet per 50

cu m of pool water in the skimmer basket.

Set the Rotary Valve to ‘Filter’ and run the

pump for 24 hours. Thoroughly scrub all

surfaces with the pool-brush. This may turn

the water cloudy; if so the filter will clear it but

you may have to backwash a couple of times

during the 24 hour period of filtration.

If you notice any spots of black algae on the

grout-lines, add 3 grams per cubic metre of

Copper Sulphate crystals and scrub the

algae daily until it disappears. Do not

overdose with Copper Sulphate, or you may

get green hair when you swim!

Backwash the filter and top up with fresh

water. Remove the filter lid and examine the

sand. If it is still dirty after the backwash, or

lumpy, it may need to be changed. Zeolite is

a far better filter media than sand; see our

website, page http://www.deep-blue-

pools.com/zeolite.htm for fuller details.

Check the chlorine and pH. Get pH as near

as possible to 7.4 as soon as you can. If your

main sanitiser is unstabilised chlorine, such

as calcium hypochlorite, add stabiliser

(cyanuric acid), to prevent loss of chlorine to

sunlight, at a rate of 250 grams per 50 cu m

of pool water. If you use Tricloro tablets this

will not be necessary. Fit a pool-cover to

warm the water more swiftly. Last one in’s a

wimp!

If you would like to receive our free Monthly

Email Newsletter, offering seasonal advice

on pools, and tips on how to run your pool at

minimum expense, please send an email,

with the word ‘Subscribe’ as the subject, to

info@poolschool.eu

Copyright remains with the author.

Charity Auction

Last months Charity Auction

at Alhaurin Auctions was a

huge success, raising €1,875 which will be

presented to the local centre for disabled &

handicapped children in Alhaurin el Grande.

Mandy & Jess would like to thank everone

who took part in the day and also those who

offered vouchers and items for auction.

Time on your hands?

LIVE, the ex pat charity supporting the

children’s home in Malaga, is looking for

volunteer drivers and helpers.

Since its inception in 2004, LIVE has raised

funds, organised Christmas parties and

presents, collected jumble and treated the

children from the home to fun days out. But

with only five committee members the LIVE

team need help to carry on their work for the

Home.

Situated on the outskirts of Malaga and

flanked by shanty towns, La Ciudad de Los

Niños is home to children taken into care and

also a haven for the street children of the

nearby “chabolas” – shanty towns.

We are looking for supporters willing to do

collections and deliveries to the Home and

generally help out when we get to overload.

Anyone with a car willing to give a couple of

hours each month to help us. It may be there

are people who do a regular run to suppliers

in Malaga who could make a short detour to

the Home to deliver items we’ve collected for

them. We would love to hear from people

who would be prepared to act as

co-ordinators for items donated.

Please contact Brian Marsh on 620 791 441

Your call will be much appreciated.

Or visit www.live-spain.org

March

– Spring clean pots,

window boxes and any other

plant containers internally and

externally. A thorough clean is necessary to

prevent pests or disease to plants and also

to improve and maintain the quality and

fertility of the compost. Plus the appearance

in your garden & pots looks much more

attractive when clean and maybe hand

painted for added color.

So thoroughly wash pots and drip trays in

soapy water and then rinse in a vinegar

solution for reuse. Pots which are being used

should be washed outside to remove dirt.

Any algae can be removed from terracotta

pots using a diluted bleach solution or

vinegar and water, leave to dry and then wipe

with a cloth using a little olive oil. Be careful

to protect the plants whilst cleaning. Plants

which have been in the same pot and

compost for several years and probably root

bound should be replanted in a clean pot with

new compost. Shrubs can be pruned to tidy

the shape and plants with dead flowers and

leaves removed, also tidying any mulch.

Finally when the spring cleaning task has

been completed feed with a solution of flower

plant fertilizer. A job well done!

During the month of March, start to spray

geraniums against the geranium moth, take

cuttings and pot up using good compost.

Continue to take cuttings of perennial plants

like the margaritas and remove dead heads

as they flower. Remove frost protection from

any delicate plants in the garden, hopefully

spring is here, after all the daffodils are

flowering again.

Summer corns such as the lily and gladioli

can now be planted but do remember to plant

the gladioli corns in a sheltered spot from

winds. Til next month.... Rosie

CAPRICORN - Brainstorming about finances and how to increase your position

becomes a strong focus. Ideas abound and it would be useful to network and literally

‘get out there’ into the marketplace so that you are seen and not forgotten. Family or

close friends could use some tender, loving care around mid month and they will

appreciate the attention that you give them. Plans that you finally decide upon could

come to fruition very quickly and by the end of the month a new path awaits you.

AQUARIUS - Unanticipated events concerning your personal finances are likely and

become hard to ignore. Others turn to you for advice now as they may relate to what

you are dealing with and going through, sharing similar experiences. There is a certain

element of comfort in this as friends and acquaintances will gather around you making

an awkward transition a pleasant one. An admirer may make themselves known to you

around 10th and this will give you the boost you need.

TAURUS - Retrograding Venus, your ruler, means that this is now a time for reflection.

The dramas of the past two months are coming to a close and March for you is all about

starting the month how you mean to go on. Solving old problems and laying them to

rest is your mission, although you may think it is all dealt with, only to find more that

needs sorting, so keep your wits about you. By 28th you will be taking it to the next level

with a romantic partner.

CANCER - A new game plan will have to be formulated with regard to income and

expenditure and this could involve much of your time. Finances are the major core of

your activities right now. There could be a legal issue, or travel involved at some point

in March that will bring opportunities for new beginnings and advancement in some

area. By the end of the month you are ready to party and have a good time, life is settling

down to some kind of order and you feel you can relax a bit.

GEMINI - Career issues provide you with a host of activity - there is a lot of

responsibility on this level to deal with and sort out. It could feel as though you are

struggling to stay on top of things as you are not sure how the tide is turning and what

to do for the best. There could be some disagreements with family and friends who don’t

share you point of view. Some brand new idea could spring up from nowhere but getting

others opinions at this point in time may cloud the issue. Take time out for you.

ARIES - It is time to revise your plans and put off all new initiatives until you have more

confidence in their sustainability, a period of introspection is needed. You will tend to

want to retreat from the world and yet others are vying for your attention. Use the time

to budget, revise plans and rest as much as possible. By 25th a new energy enters into

your sign and you see things from a different angle and that new outlook could change

everything as you know it.

PISCES - Hold onto your purse strings this is not a time to splash out. It is a month

for romance though and you could find you are getting a lot of attention; in fact someone

is hard to ignore around 10th. Communication with someone close to you is extra special

and bonds deepen and barriers are taken down to reveal a different vista. You could be

lending a helping hand around 21st to someone who is struggling to cope. Take time

for relaxation yourself and enjoy a hot soak in a bubble bath.

LEO - A relationship can seem a little mysterious and will be taking centre stage in your

life; you may be intrigued by what is going on. Money that is shared or borrowed, pos-

sessions and funds are likely to be under discussion and ideas set down as to how to

deal with it all. Tightening the belt is the main focus it seems. Amongst it all this is a

great time to get fit and join a gym or go jogging. Take time out to enjoy yourself – you

deserve it.

LIBRA - Work matters may make you feel a little introspective; it isn’t anything to dowith confidence, but more that you recognise a need to re-evaluate where you fit into itall. You may be questioning your plans and need to discuss things with your partnerwhom may also be pre-occupied or hard to read. By 28th all will fall into place and youwill be ready to enjoy yourself, relationships become more intimate, and your sense ofoptimism returns.

SCORPIO - A force to be reckoned with this month and your strength seems to gain

in momentum as March progresses, just be careful not to trample upon the innocent as

you go for gold. Romance blossoms and a surprise could await you mid-month. Around

the 20th children and family matters pick up pace and you feel more playful and in a fun

frame of mind. Your creativity is at an all time high so by finding an outlet where you

can express this side of yourself will be beneficial.

SAGITTARIUS - The end is in sight with regard to a work project that you were

undertaking when all settles to its satisfactory conclusion by mid month. Speak up if an

authority figure seeks to undermine you – they need to hear your side of the story. Make

sure you are getting enough sleep or rest as all this mind activity will take its toll. A

romantic interest may seem a bit distant and you may have to clear up

misunderstandings before they roll out of control.

VIRGO - Is there someone who has caught your eye? Whether it is a long term partner,

new love interest, friend or sibling you should make time to spend with this person, you

may be surprised at how well you get on. Health issues could crop up and you need to

make sure that you are eating well and looking after your self. Forget about making big

purchases this just isn’t the right time but instead look at ways to save for the future.

Children's Answers

to Science Exam Question’s

Q: Name the four seasons.

A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which

water can be made safe to drink.

A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink

because it removes large pollutants like grit,

sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches

puberty?

A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and

looks forward to his adultery.

Q: What is artificial insemination?

A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead

of the cow.

Q: What is the Fibula?

A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?

A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth

control?

A: Most people prevent contraception by

wearing a condominium.

Q: Explain the term "Caesarean Section"

A: The caesarean section is a district in

Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?

A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?

A: When you are sick at the airport.

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a

characteristic feature?

A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp

places and so they look like umbrellas.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?

A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Playing at home in front of 22,000 fans

MALAGA took the lead (22mins) against a

very good ATHLETICO MADRID side. It was

not to the last however as ATHLETICO

equalised almost on the stroke of half time

(44mins). In a tough game there were no

more goals 1-1 being the final score. A long

journey North to ATHLETIC BILBAO came

next and MALAGA twice took the lead (2 &

63mins) in a pulsating end to end game.

ATHLETIC twice equalised (36 & 71 mins)

and with MALAGA down to 10 men went on

to score a late winner (86mins) for a 3-2 win.

The next match home to ALMERIA saw the

fans stunned to silence as the away team

took a 2-0 lead into the half time break. They

had plenty to shout about in the 2nd half

however as MALAGA fired in three goals to

claim a 3-2 victory. A long away trip to top

four VALENCIA did not phase MALAGA

despite going behind to a DAVID VILLA

"special" (53mins). Only six minutes later a

strong attack down the right wing saw

MALAGA force an own goal from the

accurate crossed ball. A 1-1 draw was a

justified result from a strong defiant MALAGA

team. Another away game and great win 3-1

to complete the double over VALADOLID

pushed MALAGA into the top six and EUFA

contention.

Malaga Fixtures: 01/03 Recreativo de

Huelva (home), 08/03 Getafe (away), 15/03

Sevilla (home), 22/03 Barcelona (away).

1. D.Day in 1971 introduced what to

Britain?

2. The airline Iberia is from what

country?

3. What is the maximum break in

snooker?

4. How many metres are there in 4

kilometres?

5. In Greek mythology who was the god

of the sun?

6. Andorra lies between which two

countries?

7. How is Peking now more commonly

known?

8. In which city is Bizet's "Carmen" set?

9. What is Brighton Pier called?

10. In pottery what is a slip?

11. How many eyes does a bee have?

12. What does Ghengis Khan mean?

13. Who was Inspector Clouseau's

manservant?

14. What was Tonto's horse called?

15. What does an ungulate animal

have?

16. What are the oldest Royal

Bodyguards called?

17. Which drink has 7x as a secret

formula?

18. What is the capital of Morocco?

19. What is the inscription on the Victoria

Cross?

20. How many lines are there in a

sonnet?

21. The bite of which insect can cause

sleeping sickness?

22. If you were eating fish 'a la

Normande', how would the fish be

cooked?

23. Orpheus went down to Hades to

rescue his wife. What was her name?

Answers on page 50

Luke had it before. Paul had it behind. Ladies

have it at the beginning, but only once. A

braham Lincoln had it twice. Boys cannot

have it at all. Doctor Lowell had it before and

behind. He actually had it twice as bad

behind as he had it in front.

What is it?

Make this goat out of 5 toothpicks.

Now move just one toothpick to make a goat

that faces in a different direction.

Answers on page 50

Make this triangle out of ten pennies.

Now, moving only three pennies, can you

make a triangle that points down instead of

up? The new triangle should look just like the

one below only flipped upside down.

ACROSS1 Treatise (5)

4 European capital

(5)

7 Assistance (3)

9 Position (6)

11 Jetty (4)

12 Drinking vessel

(3)

13 Card game (7)

15 Northern country

(7)

18 Animal’s foot (3)

19 Avid (4)

20 Assimilate (6)

23 Age (3)

24 Sum (5)

25 More old (5)

DOWN1 Team sport (4,7)

2 Container (3)

3 Spasm (3)

5 Large mammal (5)

6 Natural drink (6,5)

8 Public protest (4)

10 Unit of current

(3)

13 Vegetable (3)

14 Signal assent (3)

16 Vote (5)

17 Naked (4)

18 Pastry item (3)

21 Anger (3)

22 Young woman

(3)

Discover how to break a code:

Every number in the codeword grid is 'code' for a letter of the alphabet.

Thus the number '2' may correspond to the letter 'L', for instance.

We have given you the first letter, I = 1 HINT: Letters not used: B, F, J, Q, W, X

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Answers on page 50

What do retired

people do all day?

Working people frequently ask

retired people what they do to make their

days interesting. Well, for example, the other

day my wife and I went into town and went

into a shop. We were only in there for about

5 minutes. When we came out, there was a

cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and said, 'Come on man,

how about giving a senior citizen a break?'

He ignored us and continued writing the

ticket. I called him a turd. He glared at me

and started writing another ticket for having

worn tyres. So my wife called him a

s***-head. He finished the second ticket and

put it on the windshield with the first. Then he

started writing a third ticket. This went on for

about 20 minutes.

The more we abused him, the more tickets

he wrote. Personally, we didn't care – we

came into town by bus. We try to have a

little fun each day now that we're retired. It's

important at our age.

Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert,

wandering aimlessly and close to death.

They are close to just lying down and waiting

for the inevitable,when all of a

sudden.......'Hey Pepe, do you smell what I

smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet.''

Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee.'

So, with renewed strength, they struggle up

the next sand dune, and there,in the

distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.There's

raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's

fried bacon, back bacon,double smoked

bacon... every imaginable kind of cured pig

meat.

'Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. 'Eees a bacon

tree.'

'Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We

ees in the Desert don't forget.'

'Pepe when deed you ever hear of a

meerage that smell like bacon... ees no

meerage, ees a bacon tree'.

And with that... Luis Races towards the tree.

He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following

closely behind, when all of a sudden, a

machine gun opens up,and Luis is cut down

in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally

wounded but, a true friend that he is, he

manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.

'Pepe... go back man, you was right ees not

a bacon tree.'

'Luis Luis mi amigo... what ees it?'

'Pepe... ees not a bacon tree...

Ees...........Ees............Ees............Ees............

Ees........Eees a Ham Bush.

Warning to Golfers

A professor at the University of Canberra was

giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular

Contractions' to his first year medical

students.

Realising this was not the most riveting

subject, the professor decided to lighten the

mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman

in the front row and said,

'Do you know what your arse hole is doing

while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably playing golf with his

mates.'

Sign of the times?

A little boy goes to his father and asks

"Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers: "Well son, I guess one

day you will need to find out anyway! Your

Mum and I first got together in a chat room

on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail

with your Mum and we met at a cyber-cafe.

We sneaked into a secluded room, where

your mother agreed to a download from my

hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload,

we discovered that neither one of us had

used a firewall, and since it was too late to

hit the delete button, nine months later a little

Pop-Up appeared that said:

'You got Male!

Tea Anyone?

One day my mother was out and my dad was

in charge of me. I was maybe 2 1/2 years old

and had just recovered from an accident.

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a

get-well gift and it was one of my favourite

toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed

in the evening news when I brought Daddy a

little cup of 'tea', which was just water.

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for

such yummy tea, my Mum came home. My

Dad made her wait in the living room to

watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it

was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mum waited,

and sure enough, here I come down the hall

with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches

him drink it up. Then she says, (as only a

mother would know.. :)

"Did it ever occur to you that the only place

she can reach to get water is the toilet?"

A couple of Paddys

Paddy & Mick go to London to donate sperm.

It was a disaster! Paddy missed the tube &

Mick came on the bus!!

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a

plane. Paddy odered a whiskey. The

stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a

drink.

He replied in disgust 'I'd rather be raped by a

dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!'

Paddy handed his drink back & said 'Me too,

I didnt know we had a choice!'

Aquabeds, Tel: 952 112 563, 636 648 173

www.thesentinellamalaga.com/Aquabeds.html

Email: mavis_spears@yahoo.co.uk

Seconds R Us, Second Hand Furniture,

Parque recinto ferial 7 (Feria Ground)

Alhaurin el Grande. Tel: 952 112 563

'Yoga, Health & Beauty Centre' -Campillos.

Residenital & non-residential courses offered

plus large range of other services. Tel 952

725 425 / 678 117 894

Web: www.wildman-chard-centre.es

Email:dr-suzanne@wildman-chard-centre.es

Inner Yoga - Classes, meditation, retreats,

therapies, healing. Alhaurín de la Torre.

www.inner-yoga.co.uk

info@inner-yoga.co.uk

Tel: 952 649 266 / Mov: 663 179 518

Riosat SL, No landline required. Internet and

telephone services. Some areas free

installation. Covering Andalucia.

Call 951 239 310 / 626 679 018

Email:info@riosat.com Website:www.riosat.com

Buggies, car seats, travel cots, highchairs

and more from as little as €1 per day. Based

in Alhaurin el Grande. Can deliver.

Tel: 600 609 129.

Accommodation.com

50,000 Cheap Hotels Online.

www.accommodation.com

Now available the 'import your own car guide'

69 euros. With this guide you will be able to

re-register your own car yourself. No Gestor

fees. No import duty to pay. For full details

visit www.carimportinspain.com or call

Chris on 606 554 048

Rent a car 3000, delivery to & from airport

/ accommodation free of charge,

Tel: 952 490 692, 639 682 081

Website: www.rentacar3000.com

Email: info@rentacar3000.com

Euro drain services, cctv surveys, drain

jetting, septic tanks, soakaway installations

fast and efective. 24hr blocked drain

clearance. Call Darren 629 640 754 all areas.

Alterations, curtains, soft furnishings & made

to measure. 20 years experience.

Tel: 952 758 577 (Tanya)

Apprentice Trained Electrician, 25 years

Experience, Fault Finding, Maintenance,

Rewires etc. Tel: 650 151 569 - Electric Ian

KIDDIE HIRE

HEALTH & BEAUTY

ELECTRICIANS

DRESSMAKER

CAR HIRE

CAR GUIDE

FURNITUREACCOMMODATION

DRAIN SERVICES

INTERNET SERVICES

BED & BREAKFAST

Casa 65 B&B, Heart of Andalucia.

Weekend Breaks (Fri/Sat/Sun Nights) 120€

Includes Sunday Lunch

Midweek Break (Mon/Tue/Wed/Thur) 120€

Prices or Per Room For 2.

Tel: 953 570 089

NOTICE THIS?You're Not The Only One!

BOX IT IN !!FOR ONLY 95€

(12 ISSUES)

Specialist in ceilings, walls and floors.

25 Years experience. For price and advice,

call Frank at Casabermeja. Tel: 618 597 364

Or Email: frankinesp@hotmail.com

CPS, Professional & reliable maintenance

for your pool & garden.

Tel: 699 244 822 / 686 438 925

Rental, Key holding, Changeovers &

Cleans.

A Taylor made Service to suit your needs.

Tel: (0034) 664 455 389 or 651 594 382

Email: info@costa-direct.com

Website: www.costa-direct.com

Electric Ian - All Satellite Installations, All

Areas Covered, Free Quotes.

Telephone Ian on 650 151 569

Man with Van & Trailer. € 20 p/h No job too

small, Local & International. Call Dave

665 034 005 or 695 888 870

Web Design Malaga - Get your business a

website from just € 150. Plus 6 months free

web hosting.

For details call Simon on 653 437 416

www.webdesignmalaga.es

VAN HIRE

SATELLITE TV / INSTALLATIONS

PROPERTY SERVICES

WEB DESIGN

POOL & GARDEN MAINTENANCE

PLASTERER / BUILDER

VETERINARY SURGEONS

BRITISH VETERINARY SURGEON

Home visits at no extra cost . First and

second opinion work, vaccines, Id chip,

blood analysis etc. Consultations in the

comfort of your own home.

Tel: 652 302 985

Mr Wayne Hockenhull BVMS MRCVS

ANSWERS (from pages 40-42)

Get Quizzical:

1) Decimal coins

2) Spain

3) 147

4) 4,000

5) Apollo

6) France & Spain 7)

Bejing

8) Seville

9) Polace Pier

10) Liquid clay

11) 5

12) Universal Ruler

13) Cato

14) Scout

15) Hooves

16) The Yeoman of

the Guard

17) Coca Cola

18) Rabat

19) For Valor

20) 14

21) Tsetse Fly

22) Braised in white

wine

23) Eurydice

Riddle: The letter L

Codeword:

1=I, 2=R, 3=L, 4=O, 5=G, 6=P, 7=K, 8=A,

9=H, 10=M, 11=S, 12=V, 13=Z, 14=D,

15=Y, 16=N, 17=E, 18=C, 19=U, 20=T

Brain Teasers:

Face in a crowd, Once in a blue moon,

Reduction, Pace back & forth

Retired

Blues

My nookie days are over

My pilot light is out

What used to be my sex appeal

Is now my water spout

Time was when, of it’s own accords

From my trousers it would spring

But now I have a full time job

Just to find the blasted thing

It used to be embarrassing

The way it would behave

For every single morning

It would stand and watch me shave

But now as old age approaches

It sure gives me the blues

To see it hang its withered head

And watch me tie my shoes

The Rose

Take a moment

To smell the rose

Breathe in the essence

Of the Earth which it grows

Don´t pass it by

Without a thought

Such simple beauty

That nature has brought

The perfectness of

This delicate flower

The essence of pure love

In all its glory and power

The earth is so beautiful

Too perfect to miss

But sometimes we walk on

In ignorant bliss

If only we stopped

And took a moment

Listening to nature

We´d feel more content

And understand more

About life and love

And feel free and in peace

Just like a dove

Next time you see a rose

Don´t take nature for granted

Smell this amazing example

Of life, God has planted

Allison from Cartama

Brain Benders: