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(306) 825-5694 or e-mail:labean@sasktel.net

January 19, 2015

MAN’S OTHER BEST FRIENDS

People’s love for their pets reached a new high in December when a British man paid a veterinarian the equivalent of $500 to perform delicate surgery on a sick office goldfish (typical pet store “replacement” price: $1 to $5). Vet Faye Bethell of North Walsham, England, told the Eastern Daily Press in December that there was “nothing special” about the fish, but that the customer “just liked it a lot.” In fact, the goldfish likely did not even have a pet name -- as Bethell in an interview spoke intimately of another patient by name (Cadbury, the skunk). (Bethell’s procedure involved removing the patient from the bowl, flooding its gills with anesthetic-fortified water, and using a tiny scalpel to remove lumps that were causing it constipation, with the surgery guided by a miniature heart-rate monitor.)

IRAQI TV GOES “JERRY SPRINGER”

Iraq’s government-run channel, Iraqiyya TV, has a reality show reminiscent of American confrontational programs, but is designed to force captured ISIS fight-ers to acknowledge the pain they have created. One episode of “In the Grip of the Law” (described in a December Associated Press dispatch) showed family members of car-bombing victims on a street corner in Baghdad ha-ranguing one of the men convicted of the crime. A young man in a wheelchair, having lost his father in the attack, faced off against the convict, screaming until the jihadist “began weeping, as the cameras rolled.” [Associated Press via New York Daily News, 12-22-2014]

My son, age 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he’d

dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. He stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my

bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming

little smile, “We better throw this one out too then, ‘cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.”

--------------------------------------------------------------- On the first day of school, a first grader

handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, “The opinions expressed by this child are

not necessarily those of his parents.”

Lloydminster Concert Series Association presents Memory Lane: Tribute to 40s, 50s, and 60s on Wednesday, January 28, at 7:30 pm at Vic Juba Community Theatre.

Memory Lane gets audiences dancin’ in their seats and singing along to all the classics they know and love from artists such as Buddy Holly, Dean Martin, Bing Crosby and many more. This 8-piece band includes some of Saskatchewan’s finest mu-sicians and is fronted by the Irish-born and now Saskatche-wan-based Stephen Maguire.

Stephen was named one of CBC Saskatchewan’s Future 40 and is known for his storytelling and friendly banter with the crowd. Maguire has been compared to Johnny Reid time after time with his edgy vocals, thought-provoking songwriting and commanding stage presence. Stephen is a two-time Saskatchewan Country Music Association award winner. He is the 2014 Country Music Person of the Year and SCMA Humanitarian Award winner.

Tickets are $38 regular or $5 for students. Tickets may be ordered via phone at 780-872-7400, online at vicjubatheatre.ca or in person at the Box Office, Monday to Friday, 9:30 am to 3:30 pm.

Limited Edition Wines Now Available!!!

THOUGHTS ON EXERCISE

You know you’ve reached your fitness goal when you’re strong enough to pick up your exercise equipment and throw it out the window.

The only exercise device I ever use is my Clapper.

I use a bicycle now for short errands. Instead of putting the pedal to the metal, I straddle the saddle.

If God had wanted us to run, instead of a belly button, He’d have given us a Fast-Forward button.

Most people are out of shape because the only thing they ever exercise is their rights.

I don’t think jogging is helping me to get in shape. Last night I was huffing and puffing so hard when I got to the Dairy Queen, I could hardly eat my Blizzard.

I don’t work out because all the exercise programs start out by saying, “Wear loose-fitting clothes.” I don’t have any loose-fitting clothes!

Remember, before beginning any exercise program, check with your doctor to make sure your heart can take the shock of the price of exercise equipment.

Baby Bean19.01.14

Wednesday

Mar. 19

January at The Village Pregnancy to Parenting

4702 56th Ave LloydminsterPrograms and groups

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The MotherHood: Wed. 7th & 21stBirth Cafe: Thurs. 8th & 22ndNursing Moms: Wed. 14thFoodVille: Tues. 20thHealing Mama’s: Wed. 21st

Check out our website for more resources and information

www.thevillagepregnancytoparenting.com

Connecting with Kids20 questions. Here are some great conversation starters with your kids. Put them on seperate pieces of paper and put them in a jar. Pull one out at meal time and let the talking begin. You never know what you will learn about each other.What was the neatest birthday present you ever received?What makes you laugh?What is your favourite food?Where would you like to go for a vacation if you could go anyplace in the whole world?If you had to move and could take only three things with you, what would you take?How would you describe the “ideal” mother or father?What is something you can do pretty well?What is your favourite song?What is your best friend like?How would you describe yourself to someone how does not know you? Has there been a time when you felt proud of yourself?What kind of store would you like to own and operate?If you recieved $5,000 as a gift- how would you spend it?What is your favourite room in our house? Why?What kind of a job do you want to have in twenty years?What talent do you wish you had?If someone could give you anything in the world for your birthday- what would you like it to be?What woudl you like to invent ot make life better?What is something that bugs you?What kind of trophy would you like to win?

Family team building. Here is some ways to connect and encourage your family as a team.1. Great Goals: Promote activities in which siblings must work together to reach a goal2. Games: During family time, join the chirldren as a team3. Working Together: Assign chores that must be completed with cooperation4. Charity Work: Unite your children to reach out to the less fortunate5. Fun Projects: Promote sibling activities such as large puzzles, birdhouses, or craft kits to developa sense of teamwork. Use limited supplies such as glue and markers, so children will have to share6. An offering for every occassion: Unite forces to create gifts, such as cookies, for neighbors orpresents for grandparents7. Book time: Have children read to each other, or have an older child read to a younger sibling. Also,make up your own “sibling” stories for your children8. King or Queen for the day: Have one day a week be “royal kid day”. One child is the king or queen and will recieve special treatment. the other ‘servant’ children will also enjoy themselves as they prepare food and games for the queen or king of the day.9. Special parent day: siblings will have tons of fun working together to fulfill the neeeds of the chosen adult ( this is great for the adults too !)10. Family Talent night: Encourage each child to shine like a star in front of the family. Tumbling acts, singing, specials, or the presentation of school projects will bring claps and support from other siblings.

MARCH 13TH - 14THLLOYDMINSTER EXHIBITION GROUNDS2015

LLOYDMINSTER & AREA’S PRENATAL AND FAMILY TRADESHOW

Wanted: Vendors, Sponsors, Local talent, Advertisers

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WHO ARE THE PEOPLE IN YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD?

Tickets on sale soon !Watch for the kids colouring contest

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A lady came to the hospital to visit a friend. She had not been in a hospital for several years and felt very ignorant about all the

new technology. A technician followed her onto the elevator, wheeling a large,

intimidating looking machine with tubes and wires and dials. “Boy, would I hate to be

hooked up to that thing,” she said. “So would I,” replied the technician.

“It’s a floor-cleaning machine.”-------------------------------------------------------------------------

The minister called on a seldom-seen parishioner, asking if she was in good health, and generally enquiring why she rarely attended services. “Oh,” she said, “it’s difficult to get out of the

house these days, but, reverend, I still keep up my bible study and prayers, don’t I darling?” she said, turning to her five-year-old daughter - who looked rather blankly at her. “Darling,” she went

on, “Run and fetch mummy’s favorite book, there’s a good girl.” A few moments

later her daughter returned holding out a fashion magazine.

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IF YOU…. IF YOU have hair growing out of your armpit, you’ve got hirci. That is the fancy word for armpit hair.

IF YOU sneeze your most powerful sneeze, it’ll come flying out of your face at a little more than 100 mph.

IF YOU weigh 120 lbs on Earth, you’d weigh about 20 lbs on the moon.

IF YOU are brushing your hair, its best to stop after about the 25th stroke, because that is the right number for the best distribution of your hair’s natural oils.

IF YOU are stuck in the grip of a crocodile’s jaw, jam your thumbs in its eyeballs.

IF YOU can’t stop the hiccups, try swallowing sugar dry; some say take a teaspoon others a tablespoon, white or brown sugar.

IF YOU are stuck in a snowstorm tie a bright cloth to your antennae, stay with your car and run the motor every ten minutes for heat.

If YOU ARE suffering insomnia drink warm milk or hot water before you go to bed.

RIDICULOUS RAMBLINGS…Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking?

Two wrongs do not make a right.... but three lefts do.

Endless love (def’n): Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis.

Two can live as cheaply as one ... for half as long.

Debate (def’n): What worms are to a fisherman.

Mischief (def’n): Sitting Bull’s daughter.

Liability (def’n): A talent for fibbing.

Alien (def’n): What Mom would suspect had invaded her house if she spotted a child-sized creature cleaning up after itself.

Bathroom (def’n): A room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning.

Handi-wipes (def’n): Pants, shirt-sleeves, drapes, tablecloths, etc.

Overstuffed recliner (def’n): Dad.

5405 44 StreetWayside Plaza

I’VE LEARNED…..I’ve learned that my daddy can say a lot of words I can’t. - Jeff, age 8. I’ve learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, my Mom makes me clean it up. - Cassandra, age 13. I’ve learned that you can be in love with four girls at the same time. - Brad, age 9. I’ve learned that you can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. - Steven, age 7. I’ve learned that if you laugh and drink soda pop at the same time, it will come out your nose. - Freddy, age 7.

Funny Letters to Government Agencies

1. Dear Sirs, please stop my assistance since I got a job begging in October

2. I am writing the Welfare Dept. to say that my baby was born 2 years old. When do I get my money?

3. Mrs. Jones has not had any clothing for a year and has been visitedregularly by the clergy.

4. I cannot get sick pay. I have had 6 children. Can you tell me why?

5. I am glad to report that my husband who was reported missing is dead.

6. This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it?

7. Please find for certain if my husband is dead, as the man I am living with can’t do a thing until he knows.

8. I am very much annoyed to find you have branded my boy as illiterate. This is a dirty lie. I was married to his father a week before he was born.

9. In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a boy weighing 10 pounds. I hope this is satisfactory.

10. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my 3 children, one of which was a mistake as you can see.

1. What wild animal is also called the Cape Hunting Dog?a) The Wild Dog of Africab) Brown Hyenac) St. Bernardd) Golden Jackal

2. What is the only marsupial in North America?a) Squirrelb) Opossumc) Raccoond) Black Rat

3. What is the largest breed of domesticated cats?a) Maine Coon b) Cymricc) Persian d) Norwegian Forest Cat

4. Which breed of dog was original-ly bred for hunting lions?a) Rhodesian Ridgebackb) Rottweilerc) Giant Schnauzerd) Pitbull

5. What can’t a Collie be trained to do (we are talking about the breed, not the one exception out of a hundred)?a) Seriously attack a humanb) Steal from a humanc) Beg from a humand) Jump on a human 6. On which island did the Manx cat come from?a) Palmyra Islandb) Christmas Islandc) Isle of Man d) Fiji Island

1. a, 2. b, 3. a, 4. a, 5. a, 6. c

w Molecularly speaking, water is actually much drier than sand. wHuman tonsils can bounce higher than a rubber ball of similar weight and size, but only for the first 30 minutes after they’vebeen removed.wRubbing Tabasco on one’s upper lip before bedtime is an effective temporary cure for sleep apnea.wScientists estimate that sleep lost due to daylight saving time reduces the average lifespan by nearly two full months.w The top three names for female babies born in China last year were Huan Yue, Jia Li and -- unlikely as it seems -- Buffy.wThere have been four documented cases of humans who have hibernated through an entire winter.w Anyone convicted of animal cruelty in Sedalia, Missouri, is sentenced to a month’s confinement in the county animal shelter.

You might be underqualified for a fast-food job if...

* Someone orders a pepperoni pizza and you charge them for two toppings: the pepperoni and the cheese.

* Someone asks for a drink refill and you tell them to get it themselves.

*When your customer asks for his change, you reply “Would you like fries with that?” every time.

*You eat more food than you sell.

* When someone asks your name you HAVE to check your name tag.

* Your body has more grease than the fryer does

* You can’t count to twenty with your shoes off.

Michelle HamiltonREGISTERED PSYCHOLOGIST

Professional Counselling Services, EMDR

780.808.1593www.beyond-balance.com

michelle@beyond-balance.com

 

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