the road to right here - amanda paul - uoit m.ed...

Amanda Paul (100264782) Reflective Case Study April 2011

The Road to Right Here:

A Reflective Case Study

By Amanda Paul

April 26, 2011

As I reflect on my personal journey thus far, I share with you my personal story. My path has

taken many unexpected twists and turns; I am truly thankful to tell you that the “me” who shares

this tale with you is still on the journey. The story you are about to read is a snapshot, a mere

window into the life of a work in progress.

The reason I am choosing to tell this particular story is because I can honestly say that I feel as if

my life has just happened to unfold. As one door would close I was fortunate another was soon

to open. I have never truly reflected on this journey or taken the time to think about, or

“appreciate” the trials in my life. Through this reflective experience I have started to understand

how the difficulties and circumstances in my have encouraged me to take new paths, to

essentially step outside my comfort zone. The combination of these experiences and my own

goals and desires for the future have brought me to the place I am right now; sitting on my bed

staring out the window on a rainy Sunday afternoon and appreciating my experiences for what

they are.

The first significant event that shapes my reflective past occurred when I was in grade 9. At the

tender age of 14 I was already a headstrong young lady and determined to take my own path in

life. My parents had strongly suggested that my solitaire first elective in high school be grade 9

business however; I was determined that I knew better so I pursued the dramatic arts. The weeks

leading up to that first week of school, I remember the great amounts of anticipation that

surrounded my choice of elective. However life is never what we expect it to be and


unfortunately my drama class did not come close to living up to my anticipated hype. My teacher

“Tony” was a free spirit he believed very much in all forms of alternative lifestyle and instead of

teaching drama used his power as a teacher to spread influence. Each class we would start with

meditation and pray to our inner spirits and then no matter how inappropriate express ourselves

on the stage. I went along with it at first however; I was so uncomfortable with what was

happening I had to get out of there. Ironically the only elective left open during that particular

time slot was grade 9 Business.

When this experience transpired in my life my overall emotion was frustration. I recall at the

time being extremely frustrated with the situation. Looking back I can understand firsthand

Watson and Wilcox theory of zooming in vs. zooming out (Watson, 2000). At the time I was too

close to the situation as an insider my perspective was skewed and I could not see past my

immediate needs and perceive the big picture. Now that 10 years and so much of my life has

been shaped as a result of this experience I can perceive and be thankful for the experience in a

new way.

Despite my original resistance to business, I quickly learned to enjoy the unique culture and

learning opportunities that were afforded to me through my business classes. I found that not

only was the subject matter immediately applicable I had a tendency to excel within my new

environment. My success did not go unnoticed. The head of the business department and my

grade 10 business teacher came along side me as a mentor and coach. He was someone who

knew the system and what it took to be successful and was more than willing to pass along his

insights.

Midway though my grade 10 year my teacher (Mr. Pownall) came me to with an amazing

opportunity. He informed me that he had nominated me for a prestigious summer program

designed for high school sophomores. I was to attended a college in Ohio and participate in a

week long leadership and economics training program sponsored by the Foundation for Teaching

Economics. This organization looks for new and interesting ways to get students involved and


excited about learning commerce and economics. I had been chosen based on both my aptitude

and my attitude towards learning and the subject area.

I was shocked and flattered. Prior to this I had never seen myself as “academically inclined”. I

knew I was not stupid; however in my mind I had never crossed the threshold into the area of

“smart”. Attending that program gave me so much confidence. I actually had fun and learned a

lot in the process. I found that the skills they were teaching came to me naturally and I was able

to bring deeper meaning and understanding to a subject area many of my peers found difficult

and boring.

Mr. Pownall truly was a gifted mentor. His wisdom and knowledge translated into my own

success during high school. Whenever struggle or challenge or dissonance took place in my

academic life I knew I had a mentor who cared about me and wanted to ensure I was successful.

If not for his leadership and guidance I am not sure if I would have maintained my enthusiasm for

business and allowed my life to take its assumed path.

When reading about mentorship and coming to terms with the importance of having a strong

and wise mentor Mr. Pownall came to my mind. In fact after that class I made a trip over to

Markham District High School and thank him for having such a significant influence on my life. He

was surprised yet pleased to see me. He was proud of my accomplishments and told me yet

again that he knew I had everything I needed to be successful. The combination of the Hines

article and our class discussion on mentorship brought life into perspective for me. It is not that I

ever took my mentors for granted, it was just that during my state of life where they help meet

my needs I was not in a place where I could truly appreciate the magnitude of their contributions

(Hines, 2000). I suppose Watson and Wilcox also play a slight role in this aspect of my reflection

because zooming out I can now better see the big picture of my life as opposed to overly fixating

on the “in the moment” details (Watson, 2000).

While in high school Mr. Pownall would often refer to me as the big fish in a small pond. He

would overly boost my ego when he told me that the competition in high school was not intense


enough for me to truly understand how gifted I really was. I was flattered however I never took

him too seriously. When it came time to select universities I knew exactly what I wanted. I loved

business and wanted to continue to pursue my passion. Selecting between business

administration and commerce was also an easy (yet naïve) choice for me. I like the sound of

B.Com (Be Calm…) better then I liked B.Ba; for me the B.Com sounded relaxing… I truly was a

fool.

As my environment and context in life changed so did the way I made decisions. I found a good

group of friends who came beside me in life. We shared similar goals and interests; we were able

to relate to one another in a way that outsides did not understand. The more time I spent with

my friends the more like them I became. My changes were subtle however, I knew I was

changing. When I made decisions or reflected on my options in order to come to conclusions

regarding my future I found that I would hear their voices and ideas in my head as well as my

own. I can share with you an example. At the time I did not think much about this; however now I

can see how influenced I really was. During second year university my friend Stephanie bought a

beta fish, two weeks later Ryan bought a beta fish. I never really thought or cared for beta fish in

the past however, when so much of our group conversations surrounded fish milestones I longed

to be involved. Within a few days guess who was the proud owner of a blue male beta fish?

Looking at how I reflected on my life then vs. now I can see striking differences. For me this

comes down to context. In my reflective practitioner class more than many of my other course

each week became at least a small epiphany of sorts. The week we discussed Boud and Walker’s

theory of contextualization I was the seminar leader in my group, so I had the opportunity to go

deeper in my understanding. Changing our context often time leads to change in perspective.

The people we choose to align ourselves with and the way we contextualize the circumstances

has significantly more to do with the situation then I had ever before given credit to (Boud,

1998). I will give a brief example of what I mean. When I was in China during 3rd year university I

volunteered in a small village school where the kids truly had nothing. My boss Prof. Patrick Hung

suggested that we take some small gifts for the children and so I purchased a package of pencils.

Handing out those simple pencils to the children the reaction was as if I had handed them gold.


The appreciation and gratitude for my small gesture meant the world to these children. In my

prize box during practicum I kept a package of similar pencils. When I suggested to the kids in my

practicum classes they select a pencil the response was scoffing and indignity. I would often be

asked if they got only one, or if I had anything better. Context for me has been clearly

demonstrated for me through the aid of a simple pencil.

During University, the person in my social group that had the most significant influence over me

was Dan. I met Dan during orientation week, he was shy and awkward but he had such a sweet

spirit about him and good sense of humour. As our group of friends grew closer together I found I

was inexplicably drawn to Dan. We started to spend more time together whenever we got a

chance, before class, after class even over MSN during class. Pretty soon we started making time

for each other. I was in Love.

I was happy and life was good. My marks were far lower then I knew I was capable of however I

had priorities and Dan was central to my life. His family adopted me as one of their own and my

family embraced him completely. By the end of second year we knew that forever was just not

long enough for us to be together. One winter’s day during a hike in the forest behind campus

Dan asked me to be his wife and I said yes. Life was perfect bliss I could not be happier. Dan had

even gained my parents’ permission and we started to plan a thanksgiving wedding. I knew that

being married and finishing our final year of school would be hard; however with my best friend

beside me nothing in my life seemed impossible.

The more that Dan and I became an US the less I was a ME. I really felt during my time with Dan I

lost sight of who I was. I became so focused on our needs as a couple I dishonoured myself by not

striving to be my individual best. My marks were barely scraping past, my friendships suffered

and I lost sight of life beyond our union.

If things had of worked out with Dan it is possible that this could be the end of my story.

However, the story by no means ends at this point. To make a long story short, Dan and I both

had a lot of growing up left to do. Sometimes in life we find our forever someone, and sometimes


we travel together for just a season. My relationship with Dan was the latter. I was devastated by

the circumstances surrounding our breakup. I was confused and angry; I mourned for the

relationship for with it I felt my future had died.

The theory that applied most to my then situation was Zakin (Zakin, 2007). I did not realize at the

time however inner speech played a huge role in how I dealt with and recovered from that

situation. I must admit I did not at all do well. My inner speech was exceedingly negative. I

constantly belittled myself and told myself everything I was my fault. Negativity and self loathing

inflicted every aspect of my thinking. My current knowledge as a result of this class had the

potential to save me needless pain. If I had of known just how powerful the effects of self-talk

were I would have made every effort to veer my thinking towards the positive.

It was a harsh reality however one that I had to face, I was alone. My negative self talk slowly

began to alter my perspective and my attitude towards life. Life became dull and meaningless.

Friendships slipped away and I became the self fulfilling villain in my own story of loneliness.

Something needed to change. The answer to my desperate pleas for survival came in the most

unlikely of circumstances. Two of my closest university friends Stephanie and Ryan began

working for a professor. Each day after class they would enthusiastically share their tales of work

and the amazing opportunities that had been afforded to them as a result of their employment. I

wanted to be happy, I wanted what they had.

I soon started to spend more time learning about their research and becoming involved in their

projects. Their boss took notice of my interests and began giving me small tasks and including me

in his research efforts. At the beginning of the winter semester I was officially hired; however I

had of a lot of catching up to do. I was strong willed and determined to succeed. My boss Prof.

Patrick Hung was an absolutely amazing man, he threw me to the sharks and I loved it. There was

no warm up, no real training I just had to jump right in and be a productive member of the team.

The difficulty of my tasks and my challenge to succeed prevailed I soon became successful and

learned I was passionate for research.


Patrick’s research takes him all over the world. He is involved in many different projects and lived

a busy and exciting life. Each week at our meetings we were presented with new ideas and

opportunities to become more involved in privacy technology and computer science. Working for

Patrick meant endless opportunities. My professor was constantly on the move and once I

mastered the theory and subject matter I was invited to go on research trips with him. My friends

Ryan, Stephanie and I travelled all over the world with Patrick meeting new people and

experiencing all life had to offer.

Our first research trip took us to the IEEE conference in Utah followed by an additional 10 days

researching hospitals and healthcare systems throughout the south western United States and

northern Mexico. The following month we left for China. My time in China was truly the turning

point that changed my life forever. Through hard work, late night proofreading and countless

hours poring over computer science textbooks I earned my way to China.

Our trip was a month long, Patrick and his Asian contacts had everything planned out for us

before we even arrived. We landed in Hong Kong the first week of August 2007. Our first task was

to set up the international exchange program for UOITs faculty of business and IT studies with

the University of Hong Kong - Science and Technology (UHKST). It was a humbling experience to

reconcile the old with the new; the delicate balance between the newest technologies amongst

one of the world’s oldest civilizations. Our next stop was Shanghai; we participated in an

international symposium on healthcare technology hosted by Boeing Phantom. The goal was to

determine if any of our research in healthcare privacy technology was transferable to airline and

TSA customs safety.

Following Shanghai we spent four days of our trip volunteering in a small village. I had the

opportunity to interact with the children and witness a way of life that I did not even know

existed. Patrick shared with us the importance of what we were doing. It had nothing to do with

research; it had to do with building character and relationships. We slept on bamboo mats on dirt

floors we ate what the locals ate and during the day worked for the greater good of the village. I

was inspired by the hard working people whose wellbeing on a daily basis was dictated directly

by how hard they work on any particular day.


I knew from the moment was offered the position with Patrick I was exceedingly fortunate.

Despite my skills and talents that had afforded me this position, I was still not deserving of the

opportunities I received. This stage of my journey is best reflected on with the assistance of

Watson and Wilcox theories regarding storytelling (Watson, 2000). I was in disbelief over the

circumstances of my life and in order to come to terms with of opportunities had to articulate

them out load and hear them spoken to myself and others. I kept a journal of experiences and

narrated my life in the third person. Amanda went to China, not me! Each night I would go back

to the place we were staying and write story. Sometimes I would share my story with friends and

family through email, other times the stories were just for me to make sense of my life. I wanted

to savour every last second of this once in a lifetime opportunity and writing my story allowed

me to recall and linger on every detail. Last week I had the opportunity once again to share just a

glimpse of my story. I volunteer in a kindergarten class, the teacher asked me to bring some

artefacts for show and tell and share just a bit of my story.

My time working for Patrick went too fast; I felt as if no sooner had life gotten normal again when

all of the sudden change was upon me. I have always struggled with change especially when

change means embracing the unknown. Since my breakup with Dan life had become wonderful;

my grades were up at least a 20% in each of my classes, I had good friends and had the

opportunity to experience the world. I did not want this stage of life to end. I was afraid with

everything in me to move on.

Part of my anxiety came from the fact that I did not have a mentor or a road map for this stage of

life; however, more then that I looked at where I was at the time vs. the potential for where I

could possibly end up and I saw a mundane future. I desperately did not want to become

complacent in life; the idea of settling churned my stomach. I recall a Friday afternoon after class

in the February of my final year. Ryan and I were hungry so we headed out to grab a bite at

Wendy’s. While we were their sitting in the restaurant eating our French fries all of my fears and

anxieties about the future poured out. Ryan has always been an amazing friend and we had

already been through so much of life together he was fully able to empathize and listen to my


concerns. His solution came in the form of his brother Richard. Richard was teaching ESL in South

Korea and absolutely loving the experience. I considered everything Ryan was telling me and

infused my own thinking and ideas into the situation. In the end I made the decision to go to

South Korea.

In my mind the decision I made regard my choice of going to South Korea was a perfect example

of what Loughren meant when discussing his theory of dissonance. I had to make a difficult

choice and I struggled to come to terms with the alternatives (Lorghren, 2002). If I was not for

graduating and being “forced” to embrace the next phase of my life I never would have

considered going to Korea. I can say from personal experience that dissonance is awful; I felt

trapped in a perpetual state of flux with no means of escape. I needed to make a change, I had to

move forward.

When making my decision I without even being aware utilized many of Hines strategies for

reducing dissonance (Hines, 2000). I found I was considering the future and where I wanted to

end up through visualization and then attempting to create the best possible route possible to

achieve these goals. I am now so much more aware of how interconnected both the past and

future are to the idea of reflection. I can see know that we are the summation of our experiences

from the past and our goals for the future. Reflection is the means that we use to analyze and

come to terms with these events; in our own small way we are coming to terms with the

circumstances of our lives.

My time in Korea was not at all what I expected it to be. I thought that based on my past

experiences in Asia I would be fine and fit right in. I can tell you now I was ignorant and

uneducated at best. After an 18 hour plane ride to Korea I found myself in a culture and place

that was foreign to anything I had ever imagined before. There was no one to meet me at the

airport and so I had to find a bus and ride for 4 hours into the heart of nowhere. On the bus ride I

never felt more alone in my life. For four hours straight I sat in the back of the bus crying my eyes

out thinking that this was the worst decision I had ever made. With each passing km I felt further


away and more disconnected from everyone I loved back home. When I arrived in the late

evening to the city where I was to stay everything was dark and gray; I knew I had made a

horrible decision.

Things went from bad to worse when I met my roommate. She lived with a completely different

set of values and seemed to hate everyone. Being around her was difficult for me because it

seemed as if she never had anything nice to say about anyone. She also had no respect for me.

She would entertain at all hours and no matter how nicely or politely I would ask she never would

turn down her music or turn off lights at night. In Korea it is considered very rude to beg and so

those who panhandle always cover their faces. I recall one night walking home from work at

11pm and being accosted by two masked men who spoke no English at all. I was so scared I could

barely breathe.

Asides from everything else that seemed to go wrong in Korea the event that truly changed my

mind and made me want to come home happened one Saturday on a bus ride to the west coast.

Everything in Korea is within a few hours, the country is very small. I had a day planned of

shopping and sightseeing in the coastal city of Gunsan. My co-worker Loreen and I left early in

the morning in order to catch the 8am bus. Koreans are fairly new drivers cars were not

commercially introduced to the mass market until after the Korean War. This meant that the

majority of the drivers on the road did not grow up with vehicles. Road laws in South Korea are

also very lacks, I have seen firsthand parents on mope heads without helmets with small children

tucked under their arm. There are few consequences for poor driving and accidents are very

common. On this particular Saturday morning the bus terminal was busy with many buses

coming and going. My bus was lined up behind two others to pull out and merge into traffic.

Within seconds of merging the bus in front of us had jumped the median and hit a jaywalking

pedestrian crossing the road. I saw this beautiful Korea woman no more than 5 years my senior

lying motionless on the road. As I sat there is stunned disbelief the unimaginable happened

another car driving well over the speed limit didn’t stop ran over this woman again. I knew from

the bloody mess lying on the cold concrete that she was gone. This image is burned eternally into

my soul each time I see someone cross the street now I cannot help but think about this young


lady who never stood a chance. At the time I recall in additional to all my other overwhelming

feelings was the desperation and need to help. No one stopped no one tried to save her. I

remember my distain for the entire culture when they saw death they saw need and no one

could be bothered to do anything about it. I knew at that moment I needed out.

The rest of the day was a blur I remember crying a lot and still crying when no tears were left. I

hated the 14 hour time difference because in those few hours after this occurred all I wanted was

my mom. Finally when it was 5 in the morning our time I could not wait any longer I needed to

share my heart with someone. Within 5 minutes of getting on the phone we had already started

to make arrangements for my return home. I was devastated and angry at myself for not being

able to fulfil my commitment however I needed out of there and the sooner the better.

During this stage of my journey my decisions and thoughts were not rational they were dictated

entirely by emotion. When deciding to come home I did not do any form of thinking or conscious

reflection, I just wanted out of there. Thinking back now I can see Donald Shoun’s theory of

reflection in action here more clearly than any other. In his theory Shoun speaks at great lengths

about reflection in action vs. reflection on action (Shoun, 1987). In my haste to leave Korea I

continued to think on my toes and while still inside the situation make the necessary changes

required to get out and get home. I was not proud of myself for leaving when things became

difficult however; that reflective thinking had much more to do with the reflection on action I

experienced later.

On my way home from Korea only a few short months after I had arrived I was overcome by two

key emotions on the plane. First relief, I was finally going home, I was going to get to see my

family, my friends and my dog, I was safe at last. More pressing I recall was again the persistent

voice of self hatred and failure that had plagued me now for much of my adult life. I continued to

play the factor leading to my decision over and over again in my mind. I thought about why I was

coming home and questioned myself as to whether I was making the right choice. Shoun would

have referred to my thought pattern as reflection on action. Outside of the situation after the

fact I was now looking back at event after they had occurred. I knew I could not change the

situation; however I wondered if coming home was the right choice. I was reflection on the


situation however not in a way that was healthy or productive. Instead of learning from the

events and moving forward I took every opportunity to remind myself I was not good enough and

I was a perpetual failure. In retrospect I would still have utilized Shoun during this timeframe to

reflect however I would have done so in a way that was much healthier and more productive.

The next chapter of my life that brought me to where I am right now came approximately 10

weeks after I had returned home from Korea. During those lonely dismal weeks battling

depression and my own mind at its worst I recall praying for any opportunity anything to

challenge my mind and break the monotony that had became my life. I recall waking up each

morning knowing there was no purpose to get out of bed. I had no job, no money and all of my

friends had moved onto productive lives. It was during this time that my parents booked a cruise

for themselves. They said they would nominally pay me if I would agree to look after my autistic

brother and ensure that his daily needs were met. I wanted and needed purpose in my life and

my parents deserved the opportunity to get away, so I gladly agreed.

My brother David is an amazing young man however coupled with his autism is high levels of

anxiety. Several times a day he would persistently ask where is mom? Princess Cruise Line had a

website set up where we could go on and track the ships progress. It was during this time that I

just happened to wander over to the employment section and submit a general application. I

must tell you when things are meant to happen; they have a tendency to happen quickly. I

submitted my resume of the Sunday, Tuesday I had an interview and Friday I was offered the

position. I got my paper work in order and shipped out only 3 weeks later.

My position on the ship was youth programming. I had a 6 week contract on the Eastern

Caribbean island run. Being on the ship was the ground breaking experience that I needed to

rediscover my passion and reconnect with life. Working with the kids in Korea enlightened my

passion for teaching, and working with the kids of the ship proved to me I had a gift and purpose

for teaching. I managed to quickly get my application in order and applied to teachers college in

Ontario only mere days before the deadline.


All my life I have struggled with Zakin’s theory of inner speech however now instead of the voice

telling me I can’t do it, I actually believed things were possible (Zakin, 2002). The negative voice in

my Head was being replaced by an attitude of potential and excitement for the future. Reflecting

back of this change in thought process has been a pivotal epiphany in my journey of self

discovery. Nothing about my physical situation had actually changed. I was still me, still struggling

to find my way in life however; the way I perceived my journey and my final destination was now

being shaped in a much more positive light. This change in inner thought and inner voice is

critical for me to understand because directing my thoughts is still an area of significant struggle.

I am trying to figure out not just how to control my inner thoughts however also why they have

so much power over me. If you asked me before this course if attitude played a role in shaping

our success I would have said most likely yes; however now I am beyond a shadow of a doubt

certain of its powers. I have learned that despite the fact attitude is not the solitaire factor in

determining our success it is a critical component.

In September 2009 I once again found myself in the classroom environment however this time I

was one of 500 teacher candidates in York University’s consecutive education program. I had

beat out over 7000 other applicants to receive my spot in the program. During my academic year

only 7% of those who applied to York’s teachers program received a spot. I love school, and it has

always been something I have been good at and so I fully embraced the challenge.

I could share with you many experiences surrounding my teachers college year however the

experiences themselves are not as relevant as to the way I thought about them and how they

have shaped me into the teacher and person I am today. My life’s experiences have made me

wiser and having the vast and meaningful experiences that I had moulded me thus far played a

significant role in creating my success.

Starting out in teachers college I may have just been 1 of 500 by the time I finished I was just #1. I

am proud to tell you that I rose to the challenges presented to me took my learning opportunities

seriously and supported and cared for both my peers and service. At graduation last June I was


awarded the Faculty of Education Book Award for exceptional leadership for a pre-service

teacher. I worked hard; I had a good attitude and always did my best work.

The road was not at all smooth in fact my teachers college year was littered with bumps and road

blocks however; it was through these occurrences that I was able to exemplify my true character.

I recall one time a classless principal at a principal at a practicum placement asked me if I took my

social cues from my autistic brother. I was mortified, angry and upset beyond words however;

through all of my experiences I was prepared to handle this situation with grace and maturity.

Debriefing later with my course director I was able to tell my supervisor that despite the fact her

comment was insulting at best I was not angry with her, she was obviously miss informed and I

was able to sort out her reality from my own. I also confided in my director that this principal did

not know me or my experiences and as such she did not deserve my anger or wrath instead I

would continue to be myself and exemplify all of my positive qualities. I was offered the

opportunity to switch schools however I decided to stand my ground and repay harshness and

ignorance with respect and decorum. I am proud of my decision and I am happy my character

was positively noticed.

This aspect of my story allows me the opportunity to take Dyer and Fountaine out of context

(slightly). I was thinking about Zebras and idea of changing their stripes and as ridiculous as this

concept seems I feel as if I had accomplished just that. Instead of being mortified by the situation

and allowing it to negatively shape my entire teaching experience I overcame myself in order to

become a better version of me. My positive transformation came about from a variety of

experiences and the combination of both the positive and negative encounters on my past. Now

that I am better able to use Dyer and Fontaines theory in context perhaps I can find better ways

of cognitively coaching myself or finding a caring mentor who is able to support my journey

(Dryer, 1995).

Entering into the graduate program has afforded me many new opportunities. Despite the fact

that my journey has not led me where I originally expected I cannot say I am upset by this


outcome. Reflecting on my transformative experiences has given me the opportunity to actively

reengage with my past and come to terms with what seemed to be the random occurrences that

have brought me to right here. In the past especially through what I considered to be my life’s

disasters I did not actively engage in reflective practices. I reflected and thought about my

situation however, not in a way that was always meaningful or even healthy. By going through

this exercise I have learned a lot about myself, some of the aspect I am very proud of others are a

call to action for what I can do better on in the future. I think that being aware of how to reflect

and the different methods of reflection have made more inclined to actively use my reflective

skills. I have come to an epiphany for many this may seem obvious however it has taken this

classes learning process for me to become aware. All thought is a form of reflection. We cannot

separate thinking of the past or even considering the future without infusing some form of

reflection into the process. For myself I became aware of how often my reflection involved

inappropriate use of inner voice. I belittled myself and spoke harshly against everything that I

was and wanted to be. Instead of learning from experiences I turned on myself and blamed me

for everything I perceived to be going wrong in my life. Now that I am keenly aware of this factor

I can pre-emptively do much more to curtail the process and find a positive inner voice.

Something new that I have learned in this class that I absolutely have taken into my own practice

is this idea that reflection is a form of self research. Teachers college for me ruined my view of

reflection. The process became phony and artificial and I essentially faked my way through the

process. In our final class reading by Heron and Reason we were introduced to the idea of

researching our own reflections (Herron, 2001). This idea just seemed to click; instead of feeling

that reflection was a mere extension of discussing our feelings I could really see myself imperially

going through the process of indentifying a research issue and taking imperial steps to solve the

problem.

I love this idea because it rectifies my own dissonance towards reflective practices. Naturally I

would think about my situation however I would be quick to scoff at a formal process of

reflection. I am a natural researcher I have a curious mind that loves to learn. In class when we


discussed the potential of creating a research question to approach our reflective thinking my

ears perked right up and my mind started to soar with possibilities. I am now at a state of life yet

again where my M.Ed program will be ending by the end of the summer and I will be facing yet

another forced transition. In the past this has meant high levels of anxiety and uncertainly

however, now I am choosing to approach the possibilities of the future the same way I would a

research question. I have already started to collect data based on the recesses of my own mind

and the support of close mentors and friends. From there I am using a grounded theoretical

approach to determine what my next desired step in life should be. I am still a work in progress

however at least now I have hope and am optimistic about what lies ahead.

As a teacher I have found so much of what I do in life brings me back to the classroom. My

reflective case study is no different. My transformative experiences have brought me to a place

in life where I am prepared to be the best teacher I can possibly be however, by no means do I

feel that my learning process is complete. In fact I feel the opposite is still quite true; the more I

learn the more I realize I really do not know that much at all.

As a teacher I want to instil in all my students confidence and the abilities to make good choices. I

have always felt that as teachers the most crucial skill we can give our students is the ability to

think critically and properly access and utilize knowledge. The truth is that for a majority of our

students their future vocation does not yet exist because of the rapid growth and changes in

technology. Throughout my teachers college year I struggled with the idea of how we can

empower our students and best prepare them for the future when we as teachers do not fully

understand what all the future has to offer. I have come to the conclusion that I can teach my

students HOW to think as opposed to WHAT to think. Knowledge is in a state of flux what is

proven fact one day has been all but discredited the next. Reflection is a significant component of

understanding. I desire to pass on my students confidence and clarity of thought. By

understanding how to reflect and how to make good decisions I really do feel I have done just

that much more to inspire the future and the next generation .


Works Cited Boud, D. & Walker, D. (1998). Promoting reflection in professional courses: The challenge of

context. Studies in Higher Education, 23 (2), 191-207. Dyer, J. & Fontaine, O. (1995). Can a Zebra Change Its Spots? Some Reflections on Cognitive

Coaching. Education Canada, 35 (1), 28-32. Heron, J. & Reason, P. (2001). The Practice of Co-operative Inquiry: Research with rather than on

people. In P. Reason & H. Bradbury (Eds.), Handbook of Action Research: Participative

Inquiry and Practice, (pp. 179-188).

Hine, A. (2000). Mirroring effective education through mentoring, metacognition, and self-reflection. Retrieved April 22, 2011, from http://www.aare.edu.au/00pap/hin00017.htm

Loughren, J. (2002). Researching Teaching about Teaching: Self-Study of Teacher Education

Practices. Studying Teacher Education, 1(1), 5–16.

Schon, D. (1987). Donald Schon's Presentation "Educating the Reflective Practitioner" to the 1987 meeting of the American Educational Research Association Washington, DC. Retrieved April 24, 2011, from http://resources.educ.queensu.ca/ar/schon87.htm

Watson, J.S. & Wilcox, S. (2000). Reading for Understanding: Methods of Reflecting on Practice.

Reflective Practice, 1(1), 57-67. Zakin, A. (2007). Metacognition and the Use of Inner Speech in Children’s Thinking: A Tool

Teachers Can Use. http://www.scientificjournals.org/journals2007/articles/1179.pdf

http://www.bath.ac.uk/~mnspwr/Papers/Heron&Reason%20.htm

http://www.bath.ac.uk/~mnspwr/Papers/Heron&Reason%20.htm

http://www.scientificjournals.org/journals2007/articles/1179.pdf

the road to right here - amanda paul - uoit m.ed...

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